These roads go on forever
A blank piece of paper sat on the oak-wood desk, where it had remained untouched for the better part of an hour.
The empty page stared back at Rainbow Dash, mocking her. A pencil was nestled between her lips, the lead scraping against the desk whenever her head moved. It fell out of her mouth before she got to write anything.
She knew what she wanted to say— well, not entirely —but the page remained wordless all the same. This was the same ritual that she went through every night. She would get out a pencil and some paper, sit at a desk, and try desperately to put her garbled thoughts into words.
Trying to find the best way to describe her emotions was like wading through a sea of black tar, being pulled down more than pulled forward. Whenever she felt she was close to getting things just right, her mind would shift to something else and whatever she wanted to write would get lost in the sea.
She looked to the unopened letter that sat next to her failed attempt at a response. She couldn't read it. She didn't want to feel even worse about how she was incapable of writing back.
When Rainbow told Applejack that her first tour as part of the Wonderbolts would bring her all over Equestria, the farmer had been ecstatic. She was the proudest that Rainbow had ever seen her. The gleam in her eye was brighter that day.
Rainbow Dash never would've expected Applejack to be as affectionate as she was. Before they started dating, the farmer was the most stoic of their friend group by far. Rainbow was worried that Applejack wouldn't be able to express her feelings to her, letting down those walls and letting her in.
The opposite was true.
Rainbow was the one who had trouble being intimate, unable to show much affection. She never understood why, but she just couldn't be as emotional as she wanted to be. The words didn't come out right, her mind becoming a whirlpool whenever she tried to show her love. She just settled for the three words that were always there for her to fall back on.
Applejack still loved her, though. She didn't care about how tongue-tied Rainbow got when she tried to tell her how much she cared. She just knew. She could see how much love was inside Rainbow's heart, even if it wasn't as visible on the outside.
The only thing that she had asked of Rainbow before the pegasus left was for them to exchange letters. Having pre-booked the hotels in each different city, they knew when and where to write to eachother.
Rainbow had gotten a letter at every single show. Applejack got one.
All it read was, "I'm sorry that I can't write back, I'm super busy. I love you, AJ," with a poorly drawn heart next to Rainbow's signature.
That was a month ago. She hadn't written back since. Whenever she tried she would just end up staring at a blank piece of paper before throwing it away. Then she would get another, then another. Sometimes she would write something, then toss it when she realized it was incomprehensible garbage that meant nothing.
The bruise on her forehead from hitting it against a table the day prior was still faintly visible.
A sigh. A flick of the tail. A readjustment of her legs into an equally uncomfortable position. A broken up melody hummed in a vain attempt to get her creative juices flowing so she could write something, anything.
Applejack probably assumed she was dead. The only evidence to the contrary was her picture occasionally showing up in newspaper coverage. Maybe-
The words that Spitfire had once told her, while they were sitting in the back of a Manehattan bar after a show, rang in her ears.
"The first tour is always the hardest, y'know."
She didn't remember the reply she gave, but she remembered watching one of the ice cubes in her drink slowly melt away. It was probably some stupid overconfident remark, some lie about how it wasn't hard and she was perfectly capable of expressing her emotions and didn't hide behind her cocky attitude as a way to avoid being affectionate, obviously.
Or she just nodded along and said nothing. That was the more likely option. That's what she hoped had happened.
The further that Rainbow traveled, the more she felt seperated from Applejack. The letters were starting to get shorter, at least up until Rainbow had stopped reading them. It was too hard, being reminded of the mare she was so far away from.
Everytime Applejack mentioned the distance, or how she didn't get responses, Rainbow would feel a tear at her heart. Applejack never sounded upset about either of them, but that didn't mean Rainbow wasn't. It was all too much for her.
So she stopped reading them. She felt guilty at first, but it replaced the guilt that ate away at her for not writing back. She didn't feel as bad, so it was a good decision, right?
Rainbow knew that wasn't true. She knew that she was doing nothing but hurting Applejack whenever she tossed the latest letter to the side, or pretended not to see it when it arrived at the hotel.
Each letter ended up in her saddlebags, though. She would read them eventually. Just not now, not until she could feel Applejack's arms around her.
Rainbow was disappointed with herself. She should've been stronger than this. She was a Wonderbolt, not a loser who couldn't handle being away from her marefriend.
But the more dates that passed, the more flips and corkscrews and flashy tricks that she did, the less she enjoyed being a Wonderbolt. It was physically and mentally draining, a constant weight on her shoulders that brought her down. It took such a toll on her that she could barely move her wings after some shows.
She kept pushing ahead, though. Because she couldn't show signs of weakness, just like how she couldn't show signs of affection.
Rainbow stared at the piece of paper in front of her. Her gaze was burning as she tried to pull anything out of her mind, anything she could say to Applejack. But there was nothing, only a hole where her brain should have been.
Her head fell to the desk before she could stop it. She winced, grinding her teeth together as she sat up and rubbed at the fresh wound. Great. Another night wasted. Another night she could've spent writing, or even out getting drunk with her teammates, instead passed by sitting on her hooves and having a staring contest with a white sheet.
What was that sticking out of her saddlebag?
She reached over, her muscles groaning in protest as she grabbed it. A photograph fell out and onto the floor, landing face down.
Rainbow picked it up and flipped it over, placing it on the desk. It was a photo of her and Applejack. They were sitting in the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, right after the zap apples had appeared for that season. Applejack had the biggest grin that Rainbow had ever seen on her. Her sun-kissed fur was pressed against Rainbow as they held eachother in a side hug. Rainbow held a zap apple in her mouth, her expression frozen in mid-laugh.
She could hear what Applejack had said to her right after the photo was taken.
"I think that zap apples might be m' new favorite kind!"
"Why?" Rainbow had asked.
"Well, cause they look just like you."
Rainbow smiled the same way she had on that day, her cheeks heating up. She stared into the photo, absorbing every detail of it. The way the sun hit the side of Applejack's head, the grass stains on their coats from a wrestling match they'd had earlier in the day, the bright gleam in her eye.
The gleam in her eye..
In a single moment, everything became clear. The fog that was hanging in Rainbow's mind dissipated, replaced with the memories of every moment she had ever shared with Applejack. She remembered every feeling the farmer had made her feel, every breath they had taken together as one. All of it was coming back to her and it put her in a euphoric state.
It was intense, and she felt lightheaded afterwards, but it was oh so worth it.
Rainbow soon picked up the pencil and began to write, her emotions pouring out like a cascading waterfall onto the page. The letter.
There'll always be a place for you in my heart
Hey, AJ.
I'm really sorry that I haven't been writing you back. Things have been.. tough.
The tour hasn't been the greatest so far. Maybe expecting it to be the best three months of my life was a bad idea. I never thought it would be so physically taxing. My wings feel so numb after shows sometimes. Can you believe it? World's greatest flier can't even handle a Wonderbolts tour. Ha. I have to preen myself everyday now. It kinda sucks doing it myself again.
It's hard, not being able to see you all the time. I expected to be fine on my own, but I guess my expectations are never true to reality. I don't like waking up in a fine enough hotel bed every morning, alone and uncomfortable. I miss waking up next to you, seeing you breathe softly and watching your chest rising and falling with your mane everywhere. I miss the way you held me while we slept, so close and comforting.
What I'm trying to say is, I miss you, Applejack.
I don't care if that sounds lame but it's the truth
I wish I could be more open with you. I know I'm not the best with words. I never have been and I'm sorry. That's another reason why I haven't been writing you back. I just.. don't know what to say to you.
There are only so many ways to say I love you before it stops meaning anything.
I'm gonna try to tell you in my own way.
You mean the world to me, AJ. I don't know where I'd be without you. Just thinking about you brightens up my day. I felt so awful before writing this, but I saw a picture of you and now I feel like I'm walking on clouds (not literally).
Sometimes I wonder, is the Wonderbolts really where I'm meant to be? Am I going to be with them my whole life? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it if I can't be with you. I've been working towards getting here my whole life, and now that I'm a member, I'm sure that I would give them up for you in a heartbeat. No questions asked.
When I was accepted in, I saw the look on your face, that smile filled with pride and congratulations and pure joy. And I knew that I would give up anything for you. I was on top of the world already, but seeing you made me feel like I could be everything.
But you already are my everything.
That was stupidly sappy what does "be everything" even mean
Thank you, Applejack. You are the anchor that keeps my hooves on the ground and makes every day worth living. Knowing that I'm yours makes my heart soar higher than my wings could ever dream of taking me.
I love you. Always and forever. Never forget that.
Signed,
Rainbow Dash
Author's Note
