Professional's Standards

by KAMAKAZE

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4362

A story about how The Sniper came to Equestria

'Ello mate. I'm a professional. A professional with standards, just like other professionals. Although I'm different. I'm a Professional Professional. Anyway, enough of that, onto the real stuff.

My name is Mundy, but call me The Sniper. I'm about to tell you all about a town, a country.... heck, it could even have been a planet!

All I know is I wasn't wearing Pyrovision Goggles, I wasn't insane, and the population was made up of PONIES. TALKING PONIES. AND MYTHICAL CREATURES.

And by the way, I'm not lying. There was your old run-of-the-mill ponies, but then there was unicorns and pegasus everywhere, and I saw 2 unicorn pegasus things, too.

Anyway, enough with the chit chat, onto what happened.

Published 2012-09-15 09:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-28 10:41:35 UTC

How I got there

'Ello mate. I'm a professional. A professional with standards, just like other professionals. Although I'm different. I'm a Professional Professional. Anyway, enough of that, onto the real stuff.
My name is Mundy, but call me The Sniper. I'm about to tell you all about a town, a country.... heck, it could even have been a planet!
All I know is I wasn't wearing Pyrovision Goggles, I wasn't insane,
and the population was made up of PONIES. TALKING PONIES. AND MYTHICAL CREATURES.
And by the way, I'm not lying. There was your old run-of-the-mill ponies, but then there was unicorns and pegasus everywhere, and I saw 2 unicorn pegasus things, too. And a weird tall thing with different body parts of different animals. What was it's name again? Eh, I'll probably remember later in this story.
Anyway, enough with the chit chat, onto what happened.

It was quiet.

Unusually quiet. Usually, the sound of war echoed through the building, but today, it did not.

I was on the top floor, and I was on the lookout for stupid BLU members. I knew they wouldn't show their ugly faces for a long time.

I had guessed they were planning something, something that might give them a better advantage in the war, and because my team was plotting something, I decided that this was going to be a long war.

But I was soon going to find out the truth.

Were they planning a sinister plot? One that would involve a dangerous device that could destroy us RED team members? One that could-

My thoughts were cut off by the sound of running, stomping and Minigun revving. I knew they were coming. I also knew my teammates were coming, too. I could hear the Scout running up some steps shouting stuff like

"I'll have captured their intel three times before they manage to hit me!"

And then he soon appeared running towards the gap in between the 2 walls, then he jumped, and before I saw where he was going he had captured the enemy's intelligence.

I decided I was going to have to attack from inside the enemy base to get a better chance of killing somebody. So I ran towards a Teleporter one of my fellow Engineers had built, and I hoped the end was in the BLU team's base, which it was. So I stepped into the Teleporter, not noticing the enemy Spy had just backstabbed the friendly Engineer, and as soon as I entered the Teleporter, the cheeky Spy sapped it. Oh, and did I mention that by this time an enemy Demoman had found the Teleporter exit, and put Stickybombs around it? No? Well he did. And before I knew it the Spy had sapped the Teleporter, and the Demoman had blew up the other end. That did stuff, like maybe it ripped a hole in the fabric of the space time continuum or whatever it is, and soon I saw something far off in the distance, in between a crack in the wall of the pitch black room I was standing in.

I slowly walked towards it, but soon found out I couldn't get through it. I started pushing against the crack, and I tried pulling it apart, but nothing worked. Except one thing.

Doing nothing.

You read that right. I soon found out that all I had to do was stand still, and the crack just got bigger and bigger, until...

I saw the light. The horrifying pastel-colored light. A land full of talking creatures, and some creatures that didn't talk. Though I didn't see much of the latter.

In the distance I saw a small town full of these creatures. And farther off into the distance I saw a mountain. I think I saw a castle, too. And, to my amazement, I saw a small cloud place far off into the distance. It looked solid, too. And I also saw creatures, and creatures, and did I forget to say I saw talking creatures?

Anyway, you know what I did?

I crawled through the crack, into the weird place. But as soon as I did climb into the cartoonish world of many colors, I felt a horrible stinging pain in my forehead, and as I stood there, grasping my head in pain, the sting grew to all of my body. I felt a weird tingling sensation, too. By this point I knew I had to get back to my world. I tried moving towards the crack, but I saw it had disappeared, and as I moved, the pain grew worse. Then I felt something weird, like some kind of a silky substance was climbing up my body, and before I knew it, I couldn't see anything but white. When I tried to move, I didn't, so I figured I had been paralyzed, and then I felt myself shrinking, growing smaller and smaller. I felt my hands changing shape, and I also felt my head changing shape too. I started trying to move, but I could only move my hand around in circles. and I didn't think that was going to be helpful. Then, as soon as I thought that being here was a bad idea, I started to see things, and as I started to see things, I started to move more, and as I started to move more, I started to see things. After some time trying to move completely, I could finally see everything clearly, and all of the pain had stopped. But as soon as all that stopped, I fell to the ground in a collapsed heap.

It was going to take a while before I woke up.

In that while, I dreamt about killing robots and Spies, and also Engineers and Medics, too. I also dreamt about throwing Jarate everywhere, and laughing in the faces of Spies who decided to be stupid enough to backstab me when I had the Razorback on. It seemed all too real, and yet all too fake. I mean, none of this happened in reality. Yes, I did kill lots of people in reality, but I was almost constantly being backstabbed by Spies, and I kept my Razorback in an Iron Crate that was locked up really tight. I also had the key to that crate locked up tighter in a bigger, tougher Iron Crate and I usually kept the key to that crate locked up in a secret basement, which is located in a place only I know about. And no, I'm not telling you what that place is.

Not a crazed gunman

I was running, well, sort of running. It was running, but it felt different. Anyway, I was running through a marketplace when I started bumping into ponies, finally ending up dizzy, then finally tripping over something big.

I started to wonder what I tripped over when some pink pony with a pink frizzy mane looked over me. I rolled over to look at her when she started talking.

"HiI'mPinkiePieandIhaveneverseenyouinPonyvillebeforesothatmustmeanyou'renewheresoIshouldthrowapartytowelcomeyoutothisgreattown!!!" She quickly said. I was amazed she didn't even have to stop to breath once. Anyway, after a while, I began to understand what she was trying to say, so I simply got up and walked off.

"Oh, and I want to the party to be a surprise, so forget all about it so it will be a surprise!" She shouted after me, as if she felt like I NEEDED to have a welcome party. I thought about how weird that pony's life was.

"Oh, I will forget about it all right!" I replied sarcastically.

I don't think she picked up on the sarcasm, though.

"Thanks for being a kind friend!" She replied as I turned around a corner.

FRIEND??? Seriously, FRIEND??? I was the kind of guy who hated people who had friends. I was the lonely type. The one that has no friends, and never will.

Unfortunately, that would change. But those events will unfold later in this story.

So I ran, and oh how weird it felt when I ran. So I decided to just take one second to look at myself.

And I was completely stunned by what I saw. I can't put how confused I was into words.

I saw that, like the ponies, I had hooves. I hadn't really stopped to think about the size of all the ponies, so the next thing I saw was a surprise to me. I had changed size. Completely. I thought about it more and came to the conclusion that somehow I had turned into a pony. I don't know how.

Then I remembered that all the ponies had some drawing on their flank, so I looked over to my flank. And there it was. My flank had my crosshair logo on it. I then found a mirror and looked in it. I was a tan pony, with my signature hat on and my brown jacket on and my red shirt on. And also my signature glasses, too. And a horn. I figured I was a Unicorn. Eventually, I decided I needed to go meet more ponies, since I wasn't going to leave everybody confused whenever I did something heroic. I thought that would be hard.

Luckily, all I had to do was show up at the party later on.

You see, when the pink pony said party, she meant it. Also, she meant that it was big, too. Because nearly every pony in the whole town seemed to have shown up. I was amazed when, minutes after I found out I was a MALE unicorn (Which was shocking to me, because every unicorn I had seen so far were mares), I walked past her and saw she was inviting some pony she didn't even know to the party. Which is why I think "Pinkie Pie" is the craziest person, or pony, or whatever I have ever met.

So, that night I decided to plan out my amazing entrance to the party. But when I was done....

Something trapped me in a large bag and carried me somewhere. I can tell you it was a bumpy ride.

It's a good thing that happened, because I was trying to not let Pinkie Pie down by remembering all about the party and ruining the surprise. The sudden shock of it all made me forget all about the party, so when I was dropped off inside what I thought was an abandoned house, I nearly jumped out of my clothes when I climbed out and the lights turned on and every pony in the room shouted "SURPRISE!!!!!!!". It was very surprising. Last thing I can remember from that party is me eating cake and telling jokes to a yellow pegasus pony with a pink mane and tail called Fluttershy. Then I think I blacked out, and then I awoke in a sleeping bag in some massive pile of confetti, then being fired out of a so called "Party Cannon" which I eventually went on to use it as a sort of transport that could get me to where I was needed in 10 seconds flat.

And while all of this was happening, something made of stone was beginning to crumble.

Professionals have standards

I was walking through the stone cold street at midnight. I was waiting for something for me to kill with my Sniper Rifle. I wasn't going to be happy here if there wasn't a fight. Luckily, something was happening that would soon turn the world upside down.... literally.

I didn't know that there was a special way physics worked here, you see. I was shocked when I ended up learning the sun and the moon revolved around the world instead of vice-versa. Oh, and after that, ten things and some Jarate happened. Don't ask me about the Jarate, though. It was embarrassing when I had to explain what Jarate was. So here is a list of the ingredients needed to make Jarate:

Jar
Secret Ingredient

Once Medic tried to made a Jarategun. He got his famous Medigun, then got Jarate and Reclaimed Metal and crafted it all together. Here is the failed result that got us all screaming "MEDIC!" just so we could check his Medigun to see if he didn't do it again:

He wanted to use it to reveal enemy Spies, but he ended up covering us all with.... ugh. It makes me feel sick, thinking about MY OWN WEAPON. Anyway, off topic, so I will "Be Polite" and go back on topic and say sorry.

Sorry.

Anyway, I went outside after that and saw 2 princesses doing things to pass the time while they waited to go inside. When they noticed me, they followed me back inside when I went to ask if they were the princesses. They immediately began asking me questions about my life.

"Are you actually an assassin?"

"Yes."

"Are you really a professional?"

"Yes."

"Do professionals really have standards?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have feelings?"

"..."

"Uh... hello?"

"Feelings."

"Yeah... I said feelings..."

"Look mate. You know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes who bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy."

"Ooookaayyy....."

"Yeah."

"We will be off now."

"M-kay."

And when they left the door, the one called Luna collapsed onto the floor, twitching like crazy.

"What's happening?"

I suddenly felt the urge to remember the Medic and say "I have no idea!" out loud. And you know what happened?

"I have no idea!"

Yep. I did it. I feel like an idiot for doing it, since it doesn't sound right in my accent, but who cares? Anyway, Luna was bought inside and put in a bed, and left there while we all discussed what had happened.

"I think she has an illness. Just so you know."

"Maybe she just ate too much stuff. She does look fat, you know. And don't have a go at me for being honest."

"Grrr.... actually, it does make sense. She has been eating a lot lately, and she has been claiming she has been feeling a bit sick too. Maybe she-"

CRASH!

Our conversation was interrupted and we had to go upstairs to see if anything bad had happened. And then I got really excited because I would finally get to use my sniper rifle.

"Oh de-"

"Wooooo-WEE!"

"What are you so happy about? This is serious, you know."

"I know it is serious, but I finally get to use mah sniper rifle! WOO!"

"Sniper rif- Oh no."

"What?"

"He's planning on killing her."

"What??? But we only want her beaten!"

"Yeah, and he's an assassin, and assassins use violence as a way of defeating bad guys."

"Which means we have to do something. Quick."

And they flew off through the massive alicorn shaped hole in the wall. Then, I went downstairs and got my sniper rifle, which I had taken with me, and some Jarate to scare the villain before ending their despair.

Adventures of the RED team

Meanwhile, in 2Fort, at 5:00 PM

"Get on ze point! Get on ze point! GET ON ZE POINT DUMMKOPFS!"

"Geez, doc! Give us a break!"

"And there ain't no point here. Your thinking of the last mission in Dustbowl."

"You are right. I guess zat vas unnecessary."

"Anyway, we need to go get that intel. Those BLUs are going to leave us in ze dust if we don't."

The Spy, Medic, Scout and Engineer were discussing their battle plans since the Sniper had disappeared. The Demoman and Soldier were talking about the latest episode of "Grenades and Rockets" and the upcoming Gun Show. Pyro was roasting marshmallows and Heavy was making a Sandvich. Oh, and they were all in their base, with all possible entrances boarded up.

Then the alarms went off.

"The enemy has stolen our intelligence!"

Then the front entrance blew up.

And the enemy Engineer ran out of the base, carrying the intelligence.

"Oh man. I can't believe how stupid you all are!"

"I can't believe ve let a man of science steal ze papers!"

"Wait.... Soldier, did ya board up the Sniper's usual spot?"

"Oops."

"SOLDIER!!!"Screamed everybody else.

Then they all ran out, chased the Engineer, then killed him.

Before being killed by a Spy.

Who captured the intelligence...

And caused the RED team to lose that day.

Another day, at Viaduct

"Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here!"

The Scout was running around, bugging the Engineer as usual. Engineer, however, just ignored him and tried to look for a good place to make an "Engineer Nest".

An Engineer Nest is like a bird nest. There is the mother and her babies in a safe place.

In this case, it's an Engineer and his buildings:

A Sentry:

(Need) A Dispenser (Here!):

And A Teleporter (Entrance or Exit):

Anyway, Engineer decided to annoy Scout back, so he didn't build a dispenser.

But the plan backfired, and Scout carried on asking Engineer for a dispenser.

And Engineer gave up and said

"Nope."

Then the BLU team came into sight. The Sentries started shooting, the Miniguns started shredding through people and the explosive-related weapons started blowing up anything that looked like a BLU member.

Which is why the Sentries got sapped, the Medics and Demomen and Soldiers got backstabbed and the whole plan went to waste.

So RED, yet again, lost.

The next week, at Well (Capture Points)

"Let's go, mag-"

"What? Dude, you know we're gonna lose. Just face the facts."

"Scout's right. Ya can't go runnin' around just shooting everything BLU. That's just gonna end up with you missing every shot, and us getting killed. We need a proper plan this time."

"The small lad's right. Ya gotta think of a plan. Use it. If anything goes wrong, just remember to keep a backup plan."

"Wow... all right. I got a backup plan for you ladies. If anything goes wrong in the main plan, I will use my Buff Banner to keep us going, and the Spy will be in enemy lines, as he always is, only he will just sneak around to find out the enemy plans, then he will return to us, tell us the enemy plans, then we find a way to counter it."

"That's... actually pretty good, Solly. Let's go and use that as the main plan, and the backup plan will be... I dunno, we go make it seem like we are running away, then when they least suspect it, we ambush them."

"Pretty good, if ya ask me."

"Let's go!"

And RED managed to... well... almost win. They ended up having to use the backup plan, but the BLUs knew what they were doing, because of a Spy, and they won.

Badwater Basin

"Pyro, you need to start Spy-Checking."

"Mph mphity mph."

"Seriously."

"Hudda hudda huh."

"That's great."

"Mph MPHHH!!!!!!"

"SPY!"

"I AM FULLY CHARGED!!!"

"CHARGE ME DOCTOR!!!"

"CHARGE ACTIVATED!"

"HAHAHAHA! I AM BULL-"

Finish it!

Oh, hey. You may be wondering why I've been absent. Well, first it was because of Christmas. Then I completely forgot about the story all together. Then, I tried to upload a chapter but I got lazy, so I quit. Now, I'm thinking maybe this story shouldn't have been started, and I might actually do another story when I bother to do one.

Anyway, to put it short, I'm gonna end the story.

So, uh, yeah...

*Cough*

That's it.

It's over.

Oh fine. The story ends with Sniper fighting some villain, Sniper fails because Discord steps in, he tries to fight both but he is badly injured, so he goes off and tells the "Mane Six" (Finally, I said it.) that he needs assistance. They help him, blah blah blah and in the end some super powerful Jedi-like sentient being appears and fights Discord with some crazy peace-light-friendship magic and Discord uses his chaos stuff, the sentient being defeats Discord and finally pulls the villains out of existence. Then, that evening, Sniper is using his Sniper Rifle to look at stars when he sees 2 giant comets on a collision course towards the Everfree Forest. At midnight, the comets finally crash land, and they are scorchingly hot. At dawn, the comets have cooled down enough for Sniper and the "Mane Six" to break the comets into pieces, and inside is Engineer and Scout in the other comet, and both have just done an experiment for Medic, and have been sent there to find out where Sniper is, and also to bring back one of any living being there, so that leads into the sequel, which I've decided to call "Scout and Hardhat: Adventures In Equestria".

Now are you happy? Okay, goodbye.

Author's Note

... Wait, this is a feature? Huh. Well, uh, expect to see some of these in the next story, if this doesn't die out and be removed... I guess.

Gap filler!

I woke up.

I was in a plain white bed in a plain white room. There was one single light in the room, and it was hanging just above me. I had no idea where I was. Was I dreaming, or was all of it real?

I looked around me. I saw a strange looking brown stallion peering through the only window in the room, and as soon as I saw him, he ran off.

"He's awake!" I heard. I only heard it faintly through the walls, though. Then, a doctor came through the doors in the room. Well, he looked like a doctor, at least. He was wearing all of the clothes, but he looked like a horse.

"Where am I?" I moaned.

"You are in a hospital." The doctor-horse replied.

"No, I mean, where am I?" I said.

"Wait, you don't know where this is? Actually, maybe that would make sense since you probably didn't get to read the sign." The horse-doctor said with a grin.

"So, uhhh.... can you answer my question.... please?" I asked.

"Oh! Sure. You are in Ponyville." The doctor replied.

"Wait, what?"

"Ponyville hospital. You are in the Ponyville hospital, in Ponyville."

"Sir, is this some kind of joke? Because it isn't working on me."

"... Oh. You probably have severe brain damage. Let me-"

"NO! I'm not gonna let anybody touch me. I gotta go home"

"Anybody?"

"It's a figure of speech where I am from."

"Oh-"

I didn't waste any more time. I quickly ran off, and after asking people for directions, I ended up in some place called "Sugarcube Corner".

That's where my direction asking temporarily grinded to a halt. It would take a long time to get a hold on some more directions again, and even then I ended up not going to where I wanted to go.....

This is a small filler to explain what happens in between chapter 1 and chapter 2.

Sneak peek chapter!

Here you go.

A chapter, which isn't really a chapter.

It's a sneak peek.

Enjoy!

I checked up on Fimfiction to see my favourites, and then...

On the first day of Christmas, Fimfiction brought to me a sequel to a story I liked and it had little Scouty!

Now, I was thinking: "Hang on, I should do a sequel myself!"

And what lies on your computer screen is EXACTLY that. So enjoy the story, as it has Scout in, and Engineer, and probably the most humor a human could possibly cram into a story like this!

Now wait until the eventual new story, called "Game Over", okay?

Here lies Scout (Part 1)

"He ran fast, and died a virgin."

A small cigarette landed on the Scout's body as a certain someone pulled out a new one. If you haven't figured out who it is yet, then a big clue is a butterfly knife had been embedded deep into the Scout's back, and he was now lying dead on the ground, gravel to be seen for miles.

Yes, it is the Spy who was standing tall, the Spy who was hidden by shadow, the Spy who killed Scout. He laughed like a french man, a few snorts sprinkled in. Yes, it was a very good day to be Spy. Unfortunately, we must leave the Spy at the point where he asks for a lighter, for we can return to him later. After all, he is important to this chapter!

We now come back to the Sniper, who had recently prepared to go stop evil. Well, in the events following, he received something in the mail, and when he opened the parcel, stuff happened, he locked himself in his bedroom (Which is actually a closet with a pillow and a sleeping bag) and did something he hadn't done since the day when he was 5 and punched in the face by a bully: He cried.

And it was loud and a horrifying sound.

You see, the object inside the parcel was a "Fourteen-inch tall embarrassment to professionals everywhere". That translates to "Fourteen-inch tall plastic statue of Sniper" and it all started 2 months before the events of this story. Saxton Hale had come to Sniper's house with a young girl he claimed to be his nephew, a pen and a clipboard. Saxton asked Sniper to pledge five dollars for a charity walk, and Sniper actually gave Mann Co. his likeness rights until the year 7039.

Now, we come back to the present day. Sniper cried himself to sleep, and the next day he woke up to find it was night. It was 10:00 AM. He then looked around and saw everything had been transformed. His pillow was now a marshmallow, and his sleeping bag was a giant, harmless caterpillar. To give you a better idea of what everything looked like, imagine Pyroland. Yes, it was sort of that. There was chocolate rain, and other crazy things.

Now, let's get back to Spy. He had been killed by a Pyro, and as soon as he respawned...

"Spy, vould you pass the screwdriver?"

Spy did as told, and Medic continued working on a strange device. Now, I will continue later.