Shame

Ruiz opened his eyes. He was home again, in his own bed, his brothers still asleep in the bunkbeds across the room. It was as barren as he remembered it: a hovel for sleeping, added haphazardly onto the side of the house when they needed more room. He'd made the walls himself.

He opted to let his brothers sleep. He wasn't one to rely on their help, if he could avoid it. He slipped his poncho over his chest, covering the white star that marked him, and walked outside.

"Good morning, Ruiz," came a masculine voice. "Sleep well?"

Ruiz slowly turned to face the older goat sitting on the bench on the porch. He was mostly white, with large red splotches covering his shoulder and back. From his own poncho, tan, dark green and rust red, he pulled a pipe, which he promptly filled and lit, sucking in the smoke and letting it billow out of his nose. "Raul? What are you doing here?"

Raul shrugged. "I payed for the place. Don't I deserve to be in my own home?"

Ruiz shook his head. "You've been dead for years. How are you here?"

Raul took another drag from his pipe. "Perhaps I'm not. Or maybe I was always here, and you never took the time to see me. You certainly haven't looked around."

Ruiz turned out to the fields. He couldn't see more than a few metres away, as everything was covered in a thick fog. "What am I supposed to be looking for?"

"That's up to you. What do you want to see?"

Ruiz looked again, and a small section of fog cleared away, just enough to show a shadowy figure, but as soon as he looked closer, it vanished. "Did you see that?"

"Is that what you expected?"

"I don't know, I didn't see it very well."

"Then you must not have wanted to see it that badly."

Ruiz stared at the spot, but couldn't see anything, even taking a step closer.

"Careful, now," warned Raul. "If you're not sure what it is you're going after, every step has a chance of sealing your doom."

Ruiz stilled his hooves and took another look around, not seeing anything else in the fog. "I don't see anything out there."

Raul blew a smoke ring in front of him. "That means you don't want to see it."

"But I do," argued Ruiz. "I need to know what's out there. What if it's something dangerous?"

"What if it's something good?" asked Raul. "I can see a few things in the clouds." He pointed to a wispy tuft. "There's your mother." He pointed to another. "Your sister's over there," he turned to a third location, "And there you are, settling down with Maria."

Ruiz frantically turned to the third location he'd indicated, and for a moment, he could see a mare, but he couldn't tell who she was, as she vanished back into the fog. "How did you... How do you know Maria?"

"I don't. We've never met."

"Then how do you know her name?"

"I don't."

"You just said it!"

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did!"

Ruiz was starting to feel his temper rise, made even worse by his stepfather's dismissive chuckling. He took a deep breath and ran his hoof over his head. Both horns were there, at full length and sharp. He looked up at Raul, still having all four of his own horns, though with chips and chunks missing. Finally, it sunk in.

"This isn't real, is it?"

"Only as real as you want it to be," nodded Raul.

Ruiz closed his eyes, turned around, and took another look. Rather than being on his own porch, he was on Jed's, and the fog had cleared away, though there was still a patch remaining, right next to the windmill.

"So, what, this is paradise or something?"

"Or something."

"Is it hell?"

"Perhaps. Is that what you wanted?"

Ruiz sat down and rubbed his face. "I don't know what I want."

Raul took another drag from his pipe and coughed up some of the smoke. "I don't think that's true at all. You know what you want. The question that always holds you back has never been what you wanted, but what you needed to give in order to have it."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

Jed walked out of the house and sat down next to Raul. "Think back on what I said when I was drunk, Ruiz. You were an idiot for taking the deal, and I stand by that statement. You could have lived here for free, at least for a little while, and you refused until I mentioned that you could work for me in order to pay it off."

"Nothing is free, señor."

"And there it is, kid," chuckled Raul. "That's your problem. You put in the work, but you never let yourself have what you want. You're afraid that you don't deserve it. And given your upbringing, it's not hard to see why. You even told Maria that the star on your chest was a mark of shame that labeled you as the very worst creature to have ever existed."

"That's what that was for?" asked Jed. "I thought it was just the way his coat was coloured."

"It is," answered Raul. "It's been there since he was born."

Ruiz shook his head. "I told her why I shouldn't exist. I never should have been conceived, much less born."

"And she didn't listen, did she? You were so convinced that you were a mistake, that the only way to atone for what you'd taken was to act as a shield. And she gave you doubt."

Ruiz fell silent and stared at the ground. "So this place really is hell. I'm being torn apart on all sides, and those I had come to consider dependable are talking down to me."

"It's not hell," answered Raul, taking another puff of his pipe. "You can easily reach there from this point, though."

Ruiz looked up. "Can you stop talking in circles? It's very confusing."

Raul nodded. "You want clarity?" He gestured all around him. "This is a near-death experience. You're dying right now. That wisp of fog that still remains is the one thing that can save you. But it's not yours. If you take it, you will be performing a selfish act. You will be doing it because you want to. Such may not translate to real life, but you may be able to make it work. The only way to find out is to proclaim what you want and try to claim it."

Ruiz gazed into the tuft of fog and stood up. It blew away to form a beautiful palomino mare, looking back at him with an encouraging smile. He took a few steps forward, then turned back. Jed was gone, and Raul had returned to his own porch, and was looking at Ruiz with a raised eyebrow. This wasn't his decision to make, it was up to Ruiz. With a nod, he walked up to Maria, took her hoof in his, and looked up into her eyes.

"I want you," he said, squeezing her hoof. "If you'll have me, I want to return to you."