It was too damn cold.
He was used to the cold; no stranger to it by any means, but it didn't mean that he had to like it. He had been walking for what felt like hours, but he didn't quite know how long he had been walking for. All he knew was that the further he walked, the colder it seemed to get. With every step he took he could feel his muscles bunching up and wearing down as he trudged through the ever-rising snow. But throughout it all there was one question that played on repeat in his mind:
How did I get here?
For some reason there was this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he knew exactly where he was, but it all felt so foreign. To his left and right, forward and back, he was surrounded by snow amidst a heavy snowfall in the dead of night; there was absolutely nothing that he could look at as a clue to reveal where he might be. The minimal amount of light that allowed him to see where he was going felt like the world's most dim spotlight focusing on him. There may not have been a soul in sight, but he felt this odd sense of unease and... pressure; like the world was watching his every move.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Time and space blended together into an unrecognizable mess to the point that he felt he had been walking for an eternity. Slowly, yet steadily, he was going mad. The stinging sensation of the snow and ice pelting his face and hooves wasn't helping either. Each flake managed to bore into him further and further; he was quite sure that he could feel his bones beginning to freeze. Any rational pony would turn back now, but there was nowhere to go back to. Hell, he could very well just give up. Given the circumstances he was sure no one would blame him. He could just take a little lie down in the snow. Maybe it would feel like a cold blanket that would just give way to his body; a cold, yet equally warm embrace. He remembered hearing from someone that if it was cold enough you'd eventually get warm and tired enough that you'd fall asleep; you'd be at peace. For a brief moment, he really gave it some thought.
But, it was a thought. And nothing more. He couldn't stop. Not now. Giving up wasn't worth it out here; wherever here was. Eventually the uncertainty of his place frustrated him to the point that he stopped dead in his tracks. Teeth grit, eyes slammed shut and body quivering, he raised his head to the sky and let loose an angry howl that came straight from the diaphragm. He cried and cried, letting loose the frustration and the anger that he'd kept bottled up inside for so long. And when the air from his lungs had escaped him, he breathed in and cried out once more, but from his throat now. It was painful. The bitter cold did more than strain his vocal chords. The moisture in his mouth, his throat and his lungs evaporated almost instantly, joining the cloud of mist that escaped his mouth and disappeared into the freezing winter night. He tried to hold it a little longer; to get all the rage and frustration in his body to leave him. But, something had to give, and his lungs were the first to do just that before his throat did. He stood there, eyes still closed as he found himself searching for his breath again.
And then he felt the wind die down. The cold became almost... bearable. He'd finally open his eyes only to wince and nearly close them again. There was a light. It was neither sun nor moonlight; not natural by any means. It looked like a streetlamp, but brighter. His eyes finally adjusted to the light and he was able to open them again. What perplexed him was that it wasn't like any type of streetlamp he'd ever seen before. It almost looked like it was made from wrought iron, but not nearly as stylized, unique or even sturdy; if anything it looked sterile. The pole stretched upwards toward the blackened sky before halting abruptly and reaching back out to hold onto the source of light that illuminated the area below. And the light. It wasn't a flame or anything he'd ever seen. What in the world was it? Eventually he decided to give his neck a rest and bring it level again, and he was faced with another oddity: a fence.
He was once again met by the same wrought iron-like construction he'd seen while observing the lamp post. Thin bars protruded from a concrete base that rested neatly amidst the snow-covered ground, rising and joining the wall of metal that stood before him that seemed to stretch on well toward the horizon to his left and right, disappearing into the dark. And at the top rested a crude crown of twisted wires, leaning out over him in a lines of three that spanned across the wall before him. The blizzard that had now since subsided for now had left its mark on the cold metal with a layer of white covering the front side of the bars and resting atop the wire. And on the other side was... Nothing; another barren landscape covered in a blanket of white. Were he not so uncomfortable by the sight alone, he would've thought it looked rather nice; almost like an artist's display. But the wall only served to make him feel even more trapped than he was, despite the fact that the wall itself wasn't that high. He could just as easily take to the skies and pass over this barely-daunting obstacle without so much as breaking a sweat...
So why did it feel like such an impossible task?
He felt the sudden desire to turn around then, looking back at the snow-covered expanse of nothing from which he'd just came. He found himself perplexed yet again as he saw multiple lamp posts stretching across the horizon over the path he'd left behind with almost no end in-sight. Even with the light illuminating the darkness before him, he still couldn't see anything that tipped off where he might be. No buildings, roads, landmarks; not even a hill or a slight rise in the terrain. It truly was just an expanse of nothing. He took in another deep breath and let out an exhausted sigh, watching his breath cloud up and rise into the night sky once more-
KLACK!
A deep, subtle sound resonated through the air as he saw the furthest light from him suddenly shut off, inviting the darkness back in-force.
KLACK!
Again, another light extinguished. A feeling of dread quickly rose into his chest as he slowly backed up toward the fence behind him.
KLACK! KLACK! KLACK!
One after the other, the lights before him suddenly stopped shining, and the darkness approached him ever so quickly and quietly.
"No..."
He felt his voice tremble from fear and the cold. He didn't know what was in that darkness, and he didn't want to know. For all he knew, the darkness would swallow him whole; never to be seen again. He didn't want to go; not now. He stopped as he felt the cold of the fence behind him. He had nowhere left to go.
KLACK! KLACK!
The light continued to fade, leaving the lights behind and in front of him to illuminate the cold land around him. In a desperate attempt to escape he turned on the spot and tried to climb the fence. The gap between each bar was too small to fit his hooves through, and the slick and cold exterior of the metal made his hooves slip, refusing his retreat.
KLACK!
There was only the one light on the other side of the fence now; the only thing keeping him from being swallowed up in the void that surrounded him now threatening to catapult him into it. A million thoughts raced through his mind all at once and his heart pounded in his chest.
"Please!"
KLACK!
As the final light went out, the wall disappeared as he fell face first into what felt like concrete, smacking his nose straight into the cold, hard ground. He immediately held his nose in his hooves and groaned as pain shot up his muzzle with his eyes closed. He stayed on the ground for a while, nursing his wounds. And then, he realized something: the snow was gone. He still felt cold, but nearly as cold as he did only moments ago. He slowly opened his eyes, and he was immediately greeted by darkness that surrounded him at every turn. And yet, without fail, that dim light from above greeted him once more, illuminating just a couple meters of space around him. He could see the smooth grey of the ground he'd fallen into and only found himself more perplexed than before. That same feeling of unease returned as he carefully got back onto his hooves. He turned to look all around. Nothing. There was absolutely nothing. Despite his throat still feeling that ache from screaming into the cold winter night, he mustered up the ability to say:
"Hello?"
His voice carried into the void, echoing as though he were standing in an empty atrium before quietly fading into the distance. He waited for a voice to call back out to him, but none were there to greet him. He let out a frustrated huff as he sat down and rummaged through the breast pocket of his red flannel shirt. With any luck the snow hadn't ruined his-
"I trusted you."
A voice from behind sent him scurrying back onto his hooves once again, turning on the spot to confront whoever had shouted. Standing before him was the silhouette of a stallion; an Earth Pony. He couldn't see any other distinct features or coat colors, but the voice...
"I stood up for you. I was willing to give you the clothes off my back because I thought you'd do the same. And then you just turn your back on me and forget I exist?" Oh, that voice. It was his friend; a friend he'd betrayed long ago. He could feel his heart grow heavy as he straightened his posture and relaxed, opening his mouth as if to say something. But his friend was the first to break the silence, saying: "Save it. There's nothing you can say now that can fix what you've done."
Panic washed over him as he watched the silhouette fade back into darkness. He stepped forward, hoping that he'd still be there and listen to what he had to say.
"Wait," he said. "I didn't mean to-"
"Disappointing."
Another voice from behind, this one just as familiar as the last. The only difference is that the one word spoken caused him to wince and shrivel up on the spot. Still, he managed to force himself to turn and face the one pony that could make him feel this way. This time the one standing before him was barely visible, but he could still see enough to make out the details that mattered. A white stallion, a Pegasus, stood tall above him, his white coat almost glowing in the dim light from above with only the small tuft of grey hair on his chest almost disappearing into the dark. Two features stood out the most, however, and seemed to shine in the light: his messy silver mane and his piercing golden eyes. He knew this stallion well.
"I wanted you to succeed, and here you are wasting your damn life away. Do you know how much I sacrificed for you? All the years I wasted on you, Silver?" The stallion slowly approached, causing Silver to cower and back away. "When are you going to stop acting like a colt and grow the hell up?"
His words cut deep. He'd normally take these words in stride and push on, but not here; not with the stallion that raised him. But why was he so cruel? He didn't remember him being like this.
"Dad, I-"
"Don't you dare tell me 'you've been trying'. If you were actually trying, you wouldn't be in this position, would you?" Silver felt himself curling up. He wasn't a colt anymore, but his words made him feel like one. All he wanted to do now was put his face in his hooves and just disappear. He couldn't face him; not like this. Especially not since he was-
He barely had time to finish that thought before the elder stallion's figure practically disintegrated before his eyes. And replacing him was yet another voice to his rear:
"All that talent. Squandered. Wasted."
No. Not him too. Turning his head slowly, he was greeted by the figure of a lanky unicorn stallion. Unlike his father, he could barely make out his features in the darkness. This one stood far enough away so that the dark had masked his appearance, but his voice still echoed in the void; drilling into his mind.
"How many years have you wasted chasing frivolous things and putting your ambitions on the backburner?" He slowly approached, the subtle color of his green coat now barely visible in the light. His black and white mane was arranged in an orderly, professional manner, tied off in a ponytail with a frayed rubber band. "You had the world in your hooves. You could've done so many things, and you wasted every opportunity presented to you on a silver. Platter."
Dread and panic set in as the spectre of his former mentor finally revealed itself, but the image was twisted and wrong. His coat was matted and ruined in places. His eyes were hollowed out, revealing only empty sockets; unseeing, yet able to bear into his soul. And then there was the gaping wound in his chest, a knife lodged deep inside. And to add to the horror, Silver heard the voice of his mentor and his father blend together and say:
"Did we die for nothing?"
Unlike the last two, the form of his mentor appeared to crumble into literal dust, his remains carried away in a nonexistent wind. Silver closed his eyes, trying desperately to control his breathing and the steadily rising beat of his heart. He started counting backwards from ten, then counting back to ten.
"Why?"
His breath caught in his throat and his eyes opened once more. This voice wasn't as cruel and harsh as the ones before hers, but it still hurt so much worse than theirs had. He didn't want to look her in the eye, but he had to. Slowly, almost painfully so, he turned his head to face her.
He could barely see her, but oh he knew who she was. Those wings, that beautiful mane. The gentle features of her face that normally would be lit up by a smile; a smile he couldn't see. But he could hear the gentle falling of tears; the sound they made as they hit the cold floor beneath her was the loudest thing echoing in the void. His heart simultaneously skipped a beat and broke as he listened to her quivering voice.
"I gave you my heart. Trusted you with it. You told me that I'd never have to worry about somepony hurting me ever again." She was barely keeping it together. He didn't blame her. He could feel his breath catch in his throat as he felt tears forming in his eyes. "I... loved you. Was that not enough?"
Silver finally found his voice again. "No!" His voice strained and he could barely form words. "It wasn't you! None of it was your fault!" He meant it. But no matter the sincerity behind his words, he could still see the pain on her shadowed features as she turned away from him, walking into the inky black void behind her. He scrambled to his hooves in a panic and tried galloping after her. But the distance between them only grew larger and larger. Despite his efforts, he was merely running in place as she disappeared. Gone. He stopped in place, and he finally felt himself falling apart. "No! Don't leave! I can..." His hooves trembled beneath him as he felt onto his haunches. "I can be better... I promise."
Was he? He struggled to really answer that as he shakily extracted a crushed paper package from the pocket of his flannel. And yet again, before he could completely pull it out, he was interrupted by a voice. No, multiple voices. And all of them were familiar.
"Liar. Cheater. Failure. Lazy. Incompetent." Their voices all sounded as one, their words cutting into him like dull knives. He'd heard that hurt worse than the sharpest blades. Guess they were right. His head hung low as he let their voices grow louder and louder, not even bothering to challenge their claims. He could feel eyes bearing into him, their gazes burning into his skin. He'd let them.
Suddenly, the voices ceased in an instant. There was no echo; just silence. He lifted his head up and looked all around. There was no there, save for... A mirror? He tilted his head and stood before carefully approaching it. Standing before it, he noticed there was no reflection. He could see the expanse of concrete behind him and the dim glow of a light above, but his own reflection was absent. Maybe it was a window and not a mirror? He stepped to the side and looked at the back to see if he could see through it, but all he saw was the solid back of the odd piece before him. Curiously, it wasn't held up by anything; somehow standing on its own. He stepped back in front of the mirror and promptly jumped back in surprise.
There was his reflection. Despite the distance between himself and it, the figure in the mirror remained still. It was him; a literal mirror image. His silver mane was still just as messy, and his flannel shirt was frayed at the sleeves with his pack of cigarettes barely peaking from the pocket. Everything was the same, but those electric blue eyes looked... cold. Mean. He recognized everything except that gaze staring back at him. And that lopsided, arrogant grin.
"Man, you really know how to screw over everyone that cares about you, huh?" Silver scowled at his reflection.
"I never meant to hurt anyone."
"You don't mean to do anything. And yet..." The mirrored version of himself looked around and gestured to the open expanse with his wings. "Here we are! Where we deserve to be." He then chuckled and pointed to Silver through the mirror. "Where you deserve to be."
"Shut up..." That miserable sorrow began to wash away, replaced by a bubbling feeling of anger.
"Awww. Can't handle the truth, ya selfish prick?" That same grin remained on the reflections face as he plucked a cigarette from his pocket with the tips of his left wing, placing it between his lips. "Let's face it. You deserve to be alone. Because everything you touch, you ruin it. That fine piece of flank got hurt just being around yo-"
"Don't talk about her like that!" Silver's wings flared out and he stared hard into his own reflection. He could take anything thrown at him, but he refused to listen to this twisted version of himself talk down on the mare he'd wronged. She didn't deserve that.
Meanwhile, his reflection tilted his head back and laughed before meeting his gaze again. "Oh please! If you were so quick to defend her before then she'd still be around!" The mean look in his eyes grew more wild with each passing moment. The form in the mirror started to transform before his very eyes into something far more twisted. The colors of his mane and coat grew darker, his wings stretching out and losing their feather to reveal more leathery, monstrous appendages. "You go around acting like this goody two-hooves stallion, but you use folk for your own selfish gain! No wonder why they left you! It's no wonder she left you! You will die alone and it's exactly what you deserve! You'll rot in the darkest pits of Tartarus with only yourself to blame!"
"SHUT UP!" Silver rushed forward and slammed his full weight into the mirror. It gave way without much resistance, the wood and glass shattering loudly in the void. He grunted as he smacked into the floor. Pieces of the treated glass were poking him in the side, and some of the more jagged shards had cut his forehooves and face. Thankfully they weren't deep cuts, but damnit if they didn't sting. He didn't bother getting up though. He just laid there, wallowing in his own self-pity.
As much as he wanted to disagree with the thing he saw in that mirror, he was right. He deserved to lose everything. For all his efforts, all his good intentions, he still found a way to buck everything up. He let his best friend down. His father. His mentor. The love of his life. One way or another, he'd let them all down. The reflection was right. He deserved this. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his wing.
It was then that he heard the sound of someone approaching. He didn't bother to look up to see who it was. Step by step he heard them come until they stopped just a few hoof lengths away. He waited for their words to come and tear him apart; to reinforce the belief that he deserved to die. But, they didn't come. There was only silence and the occasional sound of shuffling along the floor. Then, after what felt like an eternity, he heard a male voice finally break the silence.
"It gets easier."
Silver opened his eyes. He didn't recognize this voice. He looked up a bit, but he didn't see hooves. Rather, two odd pieces of leather and cotton woven together and covering two short appendages, which were connected to two long... legs? He followed them up to see a being unfamiliar to him. Two more long appendages connected to a torso. He couldn't make out any fine details; like the shadows hid almost everything but the shape of the figure towering over him. Everything about him was so foreign, so why wasn't he terrified? If anything, he felt more at ease by this unfamiliar... creature? What was he?
"The voices, I mean. They get easier with..." The creature took in a deep breath and sighed. "Time." Silver found strength in his hooves and managed to pull himself up into a seated position, looking up at him curiously.
"Yeah?" He said with a weak chuckle. "You familiar with 'em?"
"All too well." The creature kneeled down on one knee and reached down with a... hoof? Talons? He reached out with an appendage with five smaller digital attached and picked up his pack of cigarettes. They must've fallen out after he tried fighting the mirror. The creature pulled two cigarettes from the pack and offered one to him. "You mind if I...?"
"By all means." Silver took the little death stick and put it between his lips, extracting his lighter from his pocket and deftly lighting the end and extinguishing the flame. The creature did the same. Looking up, he expected to see the light of the flame illuminate his face. Instead, all he saw was a shadow. "So... Who are you?"
There was silence; like the stranger was contemplating his answer. "Someone who knows this pain quite well." He took a deep pull of his cigarette before blowing the smoke away from Silver. "You can call me Jay."
Another small chuckle from the Pegasus. "Like a Blue Jay?"
"I've heard that one before." He heard Jay chuckle as well.
Then, silence again. The two of them sat there without exchanging a word. Just smoking in the dark. It was a while before Silver spoke up, breaking the silence.
"You said it gets easier with time?" He asked in a sullen voice.
Jay contemplated his answer yet again, but his answer was delivered with certainty. "It does. Sometimes there's days that're harder than others. But ya just gotta push through."
He'd been doing that for a quite a while. Whenever stress or hardship reared its ugly head, Silver pushed on. He had to, lest nothing got done and he simply let his life fall apart. But after this? After finally facing the voices of those he'd wronged? What was the point? "I don't know if I can, Jay..."
"You have to." He was surprised to hear Jay reply with such authority. "It's easy to give up. It's harder to persevere. Life may not be easy, but do you really want to miss out on all the beautiful things that this life has to offer?"
"But all the ponies I've wronged. The things I've done and failed..." Silver took another pull and sighed. "I don't know what to do about them."
"Be better." Once again, Jay replied with a cool voice, dripping with certainty.
"What do you mean?"
"If you just wallow in all the what-ifs and the what-coulda-beens, nothing will get done. There will be opportunities for you to do right by the people you've hurt. But before you can do that..." With his cigarette held between two pointed digits, he reached in and poked his chest gently, but with just enough force to emphasize the point. "You have to be better for you. You got an issue with yourself? Fix it. Improve yourself. Do everything you can to be a better man than you were yesterday.
"Life is hard, but that's what makes it exciting. That's what makes it such a wonderful adventure." Jay stood up and outstretched his long appendages, turning away to face the void before him. The void that terrified Silver. "Ya see all this around us? This darkness? It has to give way eventually to that light at the end of the tunnel." He looked back at the Pegasus still sitting on his haunches. Even though he couldn't see his face, he could somehow tell that he was smiling. "Folks like us push on not because we have to keep going, but because we have to see what's beyond. There's always something better. You know it, and I know it."
Bit by bit, his words were starting to eat away at the sorrow in his heart, and a small smile graced his features. "Maybe I do." But he did know. Before all of this, that was exactly what he strived for. That adventure on the horizon. Maybe he just lost sight of it? Those thoughts were interrupted as Jay gave Silver's head a firm pat.
"You'll be alright, lil buddy. You're not gonna survive. You'll thrive. You just have to keep going to see where the road goes." Once again, he couldn't see it, but he could feel that smile. And Silver couldn't help but smile back.
"Thank you." He managed to reply meekly.
"Ain't gotta thank no one but yourself." Jay took another pull of his cigarette and turned around. Then, he started walking away, flicking the little stick of tobacco away into the darkness. Silver could only think of one thing to say.
"Where you goin'?" He took another drag before also discarding his cigarette. He only got one word back from Jay as he disappeared into the void.
"Forward."
Silver Chord slowly opened his eyes as he stirred from his slumber. Immediately he was greeted by the sight of his disheveled and unorganized workbench. He'd fallen asleep here again. He said he would stop doing that and actually sleep in his own bed. He groaned rather loudly as he straightened his posture and stretched his back and wings. Goddesses', he was stiff. The numerous little pops and cracks were evidence enough of that. And, almost without fail, someone was alerted to his presence as he heard the telltale sound of jingling metal. He looked over to see a white and black Appleloosa Heeler stand from her bed, stretching out and yawning as she woke up from her own nap. The moment she was done she trotted right up to Silver and propped herself up on the edge of his bench.
"Heh. Hey there, Loony." He made sure to give his companion's head a good rubbing before he finally slipped away from his workbench. He still had a schedule to keep up.
He got started on his morning routine. Brushing his teeth, eating breakfast and feeding Loony. Coming back downstairs, he was greeted by his little music store. The shelves were well-stocked with different types of instruments, primarily of the string family. Guitars, violins, cellos and dulcimers. It wasn't a very profitable business, but he loved it. Helping ponies discover music was what he lived for.
He stepped up to the display window by the door and stared outside. It was almost seven o'clock now. Some ponies were on their way to work. Young fillies and colts were on their way to school, laughing and talking loudly about their schoolwork and school yard gossip. The local mailmare was making her rounds, dropping off a variety of letters, newspapers and packages. And here he was, watching it all happen before his eyes. He smiled.
That dream. While the voices of his doubts and uncertainties still plagued him, he still lingered on Jay's words. "Folks like us push on not because we have to keep going, but because we have to see what's beyond. There's always something better. He chuckled and walked to the door. Yesterday may not have been great. But today can be better.
He flipped the sign on the door from CLOSED to OPEN.
Author's Note
Hi there.
If you've been following me for long enough then you may know that I've been promising new stories for quite a while. Had a lot on the backburner and some were mostly written out. But, throughout everything, I couldn't bring myself to finish them over one reason or another.
I think the biggest thing was just my own doubt. The little voices in my head telling me it wasn't going to be good enough. So, I put everything down for a while. I focused on myself for a bit. But unfortunately, things didn't work out to well, and I got worse.
I started writing this story in 2021 as a bit of a coping mechanism. I was stressed out of my mind and working myself ragged. Everytime I wrote a paragraph, I set this story down and walked away. I couldn't bring myself to finish this story. But, that was a long time ago. Things are different now though.
I said to myself that I wouldn't write or publish another story until I finished this one right here. And now, it's finished. It's rough, it's not much to look at and it's definitely not my best work. But, it's something I had to write.
For anyone who's been following me a while or doesn't know me at all, I want you to know that tomorrow is always better. It has to be. There's a lot more to life than we realize and, to quote my own words, this life is a wonderful adventure. We just have to see it through. And if you made it this far, thank you for listening to my rambling.
