Strong to the Finnich
by Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
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Another world…
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There was a battle between two invincible titans. They both had forgotten the original reason for the fight, the two of them simply enjoying themselves too much to stop, until finally, one of them emerged victorious, the blast from his final punch knocking him into another reality, his opponent’s body raining down around him, having been warped into a bunch of eggs.
“Shame about that bald feller,” Popeye said in his gravelly voice, the firm, misshapen-jawed sailor dusting himself as he tossed the egg he was holding over his shoulder. “He seemed like a nice guy, in the end.” Putting more tobacco in his corncob pipe and lighting it, he looked around. “Now, where in the heck am I, and how do I get back home? Hm…” The squinty-eyed man with the huge, anchor-tattooed forearms looked around, spotting a town in the distance. “Hm… Suppose I could ask for help there.” He trotted off, humming to himself as he made his way to the town.
As he approached the town, he realized something unusual – there were no people. Just colorful ponies. “Hm… Seems there’s a lot of horsin’ around in this here town…” he said, mainly to himself. “Maybe the locals here can help me.” Confidently, he walked up to the nearest one of them, a zebra with golden rings around her neck gathering herbs near the forest. “Excuse me, Miss Stripey Ma’am. I-”
“GAH!” the zebra said, jumping back, startled by Popeye’s sudden appearance.
“Whoa! I come in peace, I swears it!” Popeye said, holding up his hands placatingly. “I won’t hurts ya, honest!”
The zebra, still wary, took a deep breath to calm herself. She spoke briefly in a language Popeye didn’t understand, and smiled weakly. “Forgive me good sir, you gave me a fright. I was not expecting company this night,” she said. “But for this brief fear, I do not give you blame. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Zecora’s my name.”
“Huh. Constant rhymin’ type, eh?” Popeye muttered. “Well, it’s nice ta meetcha, Miss Zecora. I’m Popeye the Sailor, and I’m a little lost at the moment. Can ya helps me find a way back home?”
Zecora looked thoughtful. “...To be far from home, its a terrible yoke. But you remind me of creatures of which a friend spoke. Perhaps you can find your way back this night, in the castle of my comrade, the Princess Twilight.”
Popeye’s one open eye widened. “Blow me down! An actual princess?” he said, removing his cap and dusting it off. “And here I am without me dress fatigues,” he muttered. “Well, lead on then. You know this place better than me.”
Zecora nodded, motioning for Popeye to follow. “I will show you the way,” she said, “It’s just over this hill. Twilight lives there, in Ponyville.”
Popeye snorted, holding in his laughter at the pun to be polite. He nodded, humming quietly to himself as he followed Zecora into town. As they passed through, Popeye took note of the various ponies reactions, mildly surprised to see pegasi and unicorns roving about, along with griffons, yaks, changelings, and various other creatures. They seemed uneasy with Popeye’s presence, although not as disturbed as he expected them to be.
“Huh. Right menagerie yah gots here,” Popeye muttered. “Not many bipedal types though, uph, nevermind, there’s a minotaur…”
Iron Will gave the anchor-tattooed sailor an appraising look, stroking his chin as he ate the cupcake he had bought. Zecora led Popeye up to the castle gate, where a pegasus stallion with a yellowish-orange coat looked at him warily.
“This man is a traveler from from a far-off land,” Zecora said. “He wishes help to go home. At least that is the plan.”
Popeye nodded in agreement, and saluted the guard. “I’m Popeye the Sailor! You won’t have to worry about trouble from me, sir. I always obey the law!” he said.
The pegasus smiled at that. “...Well, that is nice to hear,” he said. “I’m Flash Sentry, by the way. The Princess and her friends are in an emergency conference, so it may be a bit before they can see you though…”
“Emergency conference, eh?” Popeye asked. “What’s wrong?”
Flash Sentry sighed. “We’ve had a long string of monster attacks coming from the nearby Everfree Forest. Normally, they stay in the forest, but lately they keep coming into Ponyville and no one knows why.”
Popeye puffed his pipe, his eye widening. “Whoa. Well blow me down, that sounds bad,” he said. “Maybe I can help ya in some way.”
Flash Sentry smiled weakly. “Well, if you can find the source of the monsters, that’d be helpfu-”
“GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” came a deep, thundering howl, followed soon after by several other similar howls.
Zecora and Flash Sentry both paled, terrified looks coming to their faces. “A Timberwolf pack…” Flash said softly.
“That sounded a little on the big side for wolves,” Popeye said, his pipe twirling uneasily in his mouth.
A rainbow-colored streak burst through one of the windows of the castle. “Stay here,” he said. “It’s the safest place in town.” With a flap of his wings, Flash took to the air and headed off towards the sound of the growling and howling.
Zecora motioned for Popeye to follow her inside. “Come, I will-”
“No offense, ma’am,” Popeye said, looking towards the sound of the fighting, “but I ain’t never runned from a fight and I ain’t about to start!” And with that, he charged towards the sound of the battle.
“No you fool, you will be killed!” Zecora called out. “Don’t risk your life for combat’s thrill!”
Popeye ignored her, dashing into town, skidding to a halt when he saw giant wolves made of wood, their eyes glowing with an ethereal green light. Pegasi, including the one that had made the rainbow streak, were dueling with some of them, regular ponies leading civilians away, while unicorns, apparently led by a large mulberry-colored one with a broken horn, were shooting lightning at the wolves to get them to back off.
“Oh. OH!” Popeye said, realizing. “Timber wolves. Wolves made out of timber. That’s actually clever! Agahgahgahgahgah!” he laughed… at which point a seventh one he hadn’t noticed snatched him up in his jaws. Grunting, Popeye forced the beast’s jaws open, flipping up on top of the creature’s head. “That ain’t no way for a dog to behave! SIT!” he shouted, punching the timberwolf right between the eyes, shattering it, its remains turning into a wooden dog kennel and dog house, what was left intact of the timberwolf turning into a surprisingly adorable timber puppy. “That’s a good poochy,” Popeye said. “You stay and your Uncle Popeye will brings ya a snack later.”
The Timberpuppy just nodded, too confused to protest.
Popeye then turned his attention to the remaining members of the pack. He debated on pulling out his secret weapon… and decided he didn’t need it. Charging in, he lunged at the first two Timberwolves, grabbing them both and flinging them into far into the air.
They would land, unfortunately for them, in the Dragonlands, where Ember and a visiting Spike would shrug and use them to toast marshmallows.
As the rest of the pack (and gathered ponies) stared in confusion, Popeye leaped up and decked the lead Timberwolf, which exploded into wood chips that spread out over every playground in Ponyville. The Timberwolf’s ghost just stared helplessly for a moment, a second uppercut from Popeye sending it over the horizon. Another pair of Timberwolves tried to attack Popeye, but he just grabbed them by their chins and slammed them down, reducing their wood bodies to splinters as a pair of actual normal timberwolves rolled out of the remains.
The two stared at each other in confusion, looked back at Popeye, who was beating two more Timberwolves into splinters, and ran off into the distance.
The final Timberwolf just shook in fear for a long moment, and ran off into the forest as Popeye glared at it. Satisfied, Popeye adjusted his cap and tooted his pipe, dusting off his hands.
“Guess they couldn’t ‘stick’ around, ‘wooden’cha know. Agahgahgahgahgah!” he said, chuckling at his own puns. He turned… and saw every creature in Ponyville staring at him in mute shock. “...What?”
The broken-horned mulberry pony was gaining an almost lustful smile as she looked at Popeye, while the other gathered ponies, including a lavender winged unicorn and her friends, just stared in outright shock. Zecora had come to investigate when she saw the Timberwolves go flying, and was just as dumbstruck as the others, while Iron Will looked even more interested.
“I… what… you… HOW…” the winged unicorn sputtered.
Popeye shrugged. “They needed a wallopin. Sos I gave it to them,” he said.
“I… can’t… PACK… punched GHOSTS…” the winged unicorn sputtered.
“What Twilight here is trying to say, stud,” the broken-horned unicorn said, “is who are you and how in the world did you get so… so…”
“AWESOME!!” the rainbow-maned pegasus said excitedly, grinning widely. A pink pony with a picture of balloons on her butt jumped up and down in excited agreement. The crowd began to relax and applaud
The broken-horned unicorn chuckled. “Was gonna say something different, but sure.”
Popeye thought for a moment, and decided to sing his answer, doing a short, hopping dance back and forth. “I’m Popeye the Sailor Man!” he said, tooting his pipe. “I’m Popeye the Sailor Man!” Another toot, and then he finished his quick little song. “I’m strong to the finnich, ‘cause I eats me spinach, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man!” A final toot ended the song, as the crowd of very relieved ponies cheered him.
Save for Twilight, who was still sputtering. “I… impossible… SPINACH! Just… SPINACH!?” she stammered.
The elegant looking white unicorn with the purple mane looked at her friend, and whispered something to the pink one. She nodded, and called up to Twilight, who looked to be on the verge of an apoplectic fit. “Hey Twilight?” she said.
“WHAT?!” she snapped, immediately wincing and apologizing. “Sorry. What?”
“Remember when you tried to analyze me? I think this is the same kinda situation,” the pink one said.
Twilight blinked, and took a deep breath, visibly forcing herself to calm down. “Okay… Okay. No logic situation. I… I can accept that… Mr. Popeye, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. Thank you for saving Ponyville from that Timberwolf pack. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you some questions at the castle. Would you be willing to accompany us there?”
“Please say yes,” the broken-horned unicorn said, grinning eagerly.
Popeye nodded. “Lose the Mister, though. Just Popeye is fine,” he said. “I was lookin’ for youse anyway. I kinda wanna get back to me world, and especially back to me goil.”
The broken-horned unicorn looked suddenly crestfallen. “Of course he has a girlfriend… The best stallions always do…” she muttered.
Twilight frowned. “You’re far from home?”
Popeye nodded. “I was in a scrap with this bald-headed palooka… Best I’ve had in a while… I think we broke reality a few times. But I won, and now I wanna head back home. Can yas help me?”
Twilight’s eyebrow twitched at the mention of breaking reality. “We’ll try,” she said. “Normally, we’d be able to help you immediately, but our best option for that is… well, you’ll see.”
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Later, at the castle…
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“AAAACHOO!” Discord, one of the weirdest-looking critters Popeye had ever seen, sneezed, turning a random lampshade into a jar of pickles. Twilight caught the jar and set it aside. Discord just groaned, the draconequus an ugly shade of green, a cloth wrapped around his head and a cup of soup in his hands.
“Yeah…” Applejack said (Twilight had made introductions to all of her friends on the way to the castle), “Discord here’s been down with a cosmic flu for a couple weeks now. Celestia says he should be fine by the end of the month, but until then…” She shrugged, the farmer idly opening the jar to eat some of the pickles.
“Naw, I can understand,” Popeye said. “I been sick before and it ain’t fun.”
“Ugggh…” Discord groaned, blowing his nose with the sound of a jazz band. “Thank you for understanding. And I do apologize. You haven’t caught me at my best…”
Popeye just nodded. Rarity, the elegant unicorn, stood with Pinkie Pie, while Rainbow Dash hovered overhead. Tempest, the broken-horned unicorn, stood beside Twilight as she looked through a book. “I can research a way to send you home, but until then, I’m afraid you’re stuck here,” Twilight said apologetically. “And with my luck lately, Discord will recover and be able to send you home long before I figure something out.”
“Trixie and Starlight are gonna be mad that they missed that awesome fight while still in Sunset’s world,” Rainbow Dash said, pantomiming Popeye’s punches as she flew back and forth, seemingly unable to sit still.
Popeye frowned, and pulled out a picture from his pocket of an impossibly skinny woman. He sighed wistfully. “Guess its a waitin’ game, Olive…” she said.
Rarity sidled over to Popeye, looking at the picture. She frowned a little at the choice of dress and her overall appearance, but she wasn’t about to insult the love of Popeye’s life to his face. That would be rude. “Is that your dearest love?” she asked.
Popeye nodded, removing his cap and running a hand through his light dusting of hair. “Yup. That’s me goil, Olive Oyl. We’ve been together for years now,” he said, proudly showing off the ring on his finger.
Every pony in the room could have sworn that wedding band hadn’t been there a moment ago. Discord just chuckled wheezingly, having already figured out Popeye.
Popeye smiled, showing everyone in the room the picture. “Ain’t she just the greatest?” he said, sighing. Everypony gave a vague non-answer, while Tempest Shadow just fumed that she had been beaten to the mightiest stallion she’d ever met by that TWIG of a woman.
Pinkie Pie bounced up to Popeye. “It won’t be too bad!” she said. “We can throw you a party for helping save Ponyville! With cake, and balloons...”
“And spinach puffs!” said Fluttershy, re-entering the room with a tray of the aforementioned snacks. The shy pegasus blushed when everyone turned to her. “Sorry. I remember from your song earlier that you said you eat spinach, so I figured you’d enjoy some! I just needed to reheat them, since they were leftover from yesterday.”
Popeye smiled. “I’ll never say no to something with spinach in it,” he said. He thanked Fluttershy politely and accepted a puff, popping it into his mouth and chewing noisily. He gulped it down and smirked, flexing his muscles as they suddenly bulged out. (And for some reason, everypony thought they heard a trumpet fanfare as he muscled up.)
Tempest made a frustrated whimpering noise at the sight of those muscles. Rainbow Dash snickered and patted the lovesick warrior condescendingly.
Discord chuckled weakly. “I wish I could have seen your earlier feats,” he said. “I bet they were spectacular.”
“Eh,” Popeye said, popping another spinach puff in his mouth. No dramatic effect this time. “Not by my standards. Now, that fight with the bald guy, that was a scrap!” He chuckled softly. “I…”
“Hello, my little ponies,” said an elegant, regal voice. Everypony and Popeye turned, seeing a large, white winged unicorn with a sun design on her flanks, her mane and tail a sunset-colored aurora.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said, immediately bowing, everyone else except Popeye and Discord doing the same.
“Huh,” Popeye said. “Well, best to respect the authority.” He took off his cap and went to one knee.
Celestia chuckled, a warm, elegant sound. “Rise, rise… While our charming new friend is a newcomer, I think the rest of us know each other well enough by now to dispense with the formalities, hm?” The various ponies in the room stood up, giggling, as Popeye put his cap back on.
Discord frowned at her. Something felt off, but with his magical senses all kurfuffled by his illness he couldn’t be sure.
“I have come to check on the status of your hunt for the source of the attacks,” Celestia said. “But I find that one was averted today with almost no damage. Do we have you to thank for that, sir?”
Popeye chuckled. “Just helpin’ out,” he said.
Celestia smiled, taking a step towards him. “You are a stallion of remarkable strength. To what do you credit your incredible power?”
Popeye smiled proudly. “I eats me spinach!” he said simply.
“...I see,” Celestia said, deciding to just roll with it. “Is it a special kind of spinach?”
“Nope! Just plain old ordinary spinach! It’s healthy and full of eye-rin!” Popeye said. He picked up a spinach puff from Fluttershy’s tray and offered it to Celestia. “Here! Try some!”
Celestia nodded amiably and ate the puff. “Mmf. Most delightful,” she said as she chewed it. “I will have to ask for the recipe later.”
Fluttershy grinned happily, while Rarity nudged her affectionately.
Celestia swallowed the puff, licking her lips. “At any rate, if you’ll come with me, Mister Popeye? I’d like to talk to you in private about the current situation, and a possible reward.”
“Mostly, I’d just like to go home,” Popeye said. “I’ll help while I’m here, but I’ve got a goil I want to get back to.”
Celestia smiled widely. “Ah, love,” she said. “A wondrous thing. Well, I’m sure Twilight will figure something out. I trust her completely after all.”
Twilight fluttered her wings excitedly at the praise.
“Now, I still would like to speak with you privately, so…” Celestia started.
Discord sneezed again. In a puff of green smoke, Celestia turned into the insectoid form of Queen Chrysalis, her cheeks puffing out with nervousness. “Uh…” she stammered in her real voice, looking around the room at all the shocked faces. “Oh no! I’ve been changed so I resemble that dread villainess, Queen Chrysalis! I have to find a way to change back, and-”
Discord blew his nose to the sound of an overtaxed computer fan. “Save it. I sensed something was off from the moment you came in,” he said, snorting. “Dumb luck that my sneeze dispelled your disguise.”
“ATTACK!” Tempest ordered. The gathered ponies, save for Fluttershy, who Discord grabbed and coiled protectively around, lunged at Chrysalis, who blasted them all away with a green energy blast.
“Even with that illness I injected you with, you still manage to get in my way!” Chrysalis snarled.
“Wait,” Twilight said. “That you injected him with!?”
Chrysalis snorted. “There is a lab studying rare diseases not far from Manehattan,” she said. “I stole a sample of Cosmic Flu, one of the few things that can get creatures like Discord, Luna, and Celestia ill, and hit him with a blowdart. With him out of the way, I could drive every monster in Everfree into town and make you ponies SUFFER for what you’ve done to me!”
Popeye groaned inwardly. He didn’t like where this was going…
“So you’re behind the attacks!” Tempest snarled.
“I am!” Chrysalis said proudly. “And I won’t let ANY of you interfere!”
“HA!” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, you just met your match! This guy just scrambled a whole Timberwolf pack in seconds! Show her, Popeye!”
Chrysalis looked at the newcomer worriedly. Popeye looked away nervously, sweating and fidgeting.
“...Show her, Popeye!” Rainbow Dash said instantly.
“Um…” Popeye stammered, twiddling his fingers sheepishly. A slow smile spread over Chrysalis’ face.
“Oh come on!” Discord said.
“Don’t tell me…” Rainbow Dash said, facehooving.
“Oh mah gosh,” Applejack said, shocked.
“It ain’t right for a man to hits a woman!” Popeye said defensively.
“Darling, there’s a time for chivalry and this is not it!” Rarity said, alarmed.
Chrysalis cackled, and fired another massive blast of energy, one that knocked Discord and the ponies through the walls of the castle and too far away to help. Chrysalis tackled the unresistant Popeye to the ground, the sailor glaring up at her. “FOOL! Now, I shall feast on your love, and gain your invincible might for myself!”
Popeye struggled, trying to find a way to free himself without actually hurting Chrysalis. Chrysalis lowered her horn to him, and he screamed in agony as he felt the love energy being ripped from his body, Chrysalis drinking it down like wine.
“Delicious!” Chrysalis said. “Such a pure, unyielding love for…” She started to get an image of Popeye’s love in her head, and she gagged, repulsed. “For such an ugly woman!”
An utterly outraged look crossed his face. “WHAT?!”
Chrysalis shook her head, unconsciously loosening her grip on Popeye. “Seriously, sailor, you HAVE to be able to do better than that… that TWIG…” she said. “You’re an ugly species as it is, but I’ve seen prettier CHILDREN’S DRAWINGS! She-”
“That is IT!” Popeye declared angrily. “I’ve had all I can stands, and I CAN’T STANDS NO MORE!!” He uppercutted Chrysalis, sending her sprawling. “You can say whatever you want about me! I know I ain’t got the prettiest of mugs! But NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY says anything bad about me Olive Oyl!”
Chrysalis, stunned by the blow, shook her head to clear it. She heard a trumpet fanfare as Popeye pulled a can of spinach out of his shirt. But before he could pop it open, she flared her horn and incinerated the can, melting it and its contents into inedible slag. “HA!”
Popeye checked his pockets for more spinach, and realized he was out. “Aw crud,” he said, turning to the audience. “If any of youse in the comments section have a can of spinach to spare for your old pal Popeye, I’d appreciate it!”
And sure enough, out of nowhere (for Chrysalis), several cans appeared as if thrown to the sailor. The fanfare began again as he grabbed two of the cans and squeezed them, a leafy vegetable popping out of both and flying into Popeye’s mouth, Chrysalis too confused to react properly. He chomped it up eagerly, the fanfare swelling along with his muscles, his chest bulging out of his shirt to show his hairy pecs. And strangely, the symbols of the Elements of Harmony flashed on them briefly.
And then he started beating the utter crap out of Chrysalis.
It couldn’t even be properly called a fight. Chrysalis had no chance to mount a counterattack, Popeye’s blows seemingly coming from everywhere at once. The Changeling Queen ended up being pinballed around by the irate sailor, so hard that pinball sound effects started playing out of nowhere.
As Popeye beat the tar out of Chrysalis, the Elements, Tempest, and Discord all gathered to watch as one of their most dangerous enemies was reduced to a punching bag by Popeye. None of them knew what came over the sailor, but they did know this-
-the beating Chrysalis was getting was GLORIOUS.
A massive roundhouse punch literally knocked the evil out of Chrysalis, leaving a dark green, Thorax-style changeling with white highlights and a smooth, curved horn instead of a twisted one. As good Chrysalis collapsed unconscious, Chrysalis’s evil, now reduced to a shadowy energy form, roared in feral fury.
Popeye, fortunately, picked up on what was happening quickly. “Gonna end this with me Twister Punch,” he said, twisting one of his forearms like he was wringing out a dishcloth. One he had finished winding it, his fist began spinning like a top, creating a massive vortex as he decked Chrysalis’s evil in the chin as it lunged for him.
The shadowy embodiment of everything evil in Chrysalis flew up into the sky, trailing rainbows behind it as it flew up into the darkness and exploded in a spray of color, the symbols of the elements forming in the lights.
Popeye nodded, satisfied. “She insulted my goil now she ain’t in the world, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man!” he sang, tooting his pipe twice.
“...I don’t know what’s going on, but I love it,” Pinkie Pie said.
THE END
Author's Note
All characters are copyrighted to their original owners. If you like what you see, support me on Patreon or with a one-time Paypal donation! Every little bit helps keep a roof over my head and keeps me writing!
