Screw Subtlety. This is Gilda Vore.

"Ah-!"

The bartender rose an eyebrow, impatiently tapping his hindhoof. "What's wrong with you? Are you going to clean up your drink or not?"

Gilda tensed, squinting her eyes shut and flexing her talons to regain her bearings after the sudden sensation that entered her in a rather sensitive position. Sat on something? She had stood up. "Y-yeah, I got it, just give me a break."

Gilda grabbed her napkin, and trying not to wince, sat back down slowly and experimentally.

"Oghf..."

Yep. That was definitely a moving object in her pussy.

That wasn't there before.

Fast and loose was the only valid way to play for Dash. It got her to the best part more often than not, and it didn't leave her enough time to think over her actions- actions like punching through someone else's love tunnel with only her head, and then worming the rest of the way inside with her arms at her side, grappling with the slick surfaces inside to try and get any sort of leeway before her gracious host caught on. Unfortunately, catching on was one thing Dash herself wasn't doing well with her hands, instantly caking themselves in streams of thick and sticky liquid that stuck fast but gave her no rock to sink her grip into. Instead, half of her body was still outside, awkwardly upside down and sticking partly out from under Gilda's jeans. Her hindlegs kicked in the air as she started panicking, with just enough air in the pocket her muzzle and arms were wedged into to consider how best to push the rest of the way in.

The antidote must be a small fucker even at her old size. This was gonna be a needle in a haystack now especially. But the only option was to push forward, bunch and coil her leg muscles and kick out at the inside of Gilda's jeans to shove herself forward through the slick tunnel contracting against her upper half wildly. It felt like she was reaching through a solid wall of jell-o, compounded now that her head was slipping deeper while her legs were still kicking outside. Then, a sudden force at her legs, and she slipped in entirely, crumpling like an accordion into an uncomfortable position as something she reckoned she knew all too well slammed into her from the outside.

Gilda reached for her pants discretely at first, then slapping her own ass full force without thinking as she realized whatever it was was starting to sink. Ignoring the bartender's clearly flummoxed glance, she tried desperately to imagine what it could be; particularly pervy changeling? Actually, she couldn't even finish the law of three, because there were no other options she could think of, no matter how absurd she went. This was her absolute epitome of absurdism- and for a resident of Equestria, that said something.

Gilda delicately set her hand on the table again, not even caring that it was in a puddle of ice water. "I'm... going to the restroom."

"Hold on a fuckin second, this is a dine and dash." The bartender snorted. "You spill water all over my nice counter, you get the fuck out before cleaning it- you don't care about the counter, you don't care about me, you just want the food."

"It's a- augh- a fuckin counter." Gilda growled back, leaning to the side at a sudden pinch from within and trying to stealthily rub her legs together.

"It's a goddamn principle is what it is, alright? This is an independent business, you people come in here because the goddamn Specs is closed, or the McDonalds as it were-" He glanced down at Gilda's barely touched fries. "You spill your shit, you duck out the window-"

"There's a window in the bathroom?"

"People were complaining about the lack of light. You duck out the window, you've taken a shit over my establishment! Celestia, what's caught up your cooch?"

Spasms of pleasure were rocking Gilda's body from her thighs, and sitting still was becoming more of a challenge- clearly noticed by the Keep. Mustering the last of her restraint to not dine and dash for real, she stood leaned forward as close to the bartender's face as she could, doing her best to flash a menacing sneer despite the blush on her face.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out."

To his credit, he kept his gaze set for an impressive set of seconds. Gilda looked away first, actually- via an involuntary closing of her legs and seething stifled moan.

"Alright, go get it out. Keep me posted. If you don't come back within ten minutes, I'm calling the Guard."

Gilda pushed off from the counter. "On who?"

"You're a female gryphon. Can't take that long to run down the list of G names."

"Ha, well..." Loins aching. Nethers moistening. Comeback faltering. "...Eat a dick." Was all she got out before rushing to the bathroom.

"Hey, I was gonna use that stall-"

"Get out!"

After slamming the door on the earth pony she had cut in front of, Gilda quickly dropped her pants and sized up the damage.

(Anthros don't wear underwear. That's what the fur is for.)

Whatever it was was completely vanished up her by now, and she wasn't particularly up for keeping it in- but Celestia, now that she was alone she couldn't deny how good it felt. She could certainly deny that same feeling to this asshole, though.

Taking a deep breath, Gilda worked her finger around her outer lips to loosen herself from her tight clenching, finding little resistence before plunging it in with her thumb to pry around for the little nuisance, doubling over from the sensation of spreading her own cooch wider than she was used to. Her body felt like it could give out now, and she must be seconds from climaxing, which couldn't be great if this really was a living organism and not- again, very hard to consider what else it could possibly be. Really tiny Hexbug?

It at least seemed cooperative, ceasing movement when she seized its damp form in her claws and delicately dragging it out, clenching her teeth and shivering as what felt like tiny hairs dragged along her clit, and finally popped it out the rest of the way, followed shortly by a small climax that only dampened her fur more. Getting the last of the electricity out of her nerves, Gilda's vision restabilized where it had been darkening, and she held the foreign invader up to the dim light of the window outside.

She pursed her beak. It may seem hard, but there's a trick to it.

"You better have one damn good explanation for this, because I was all ready to eat you if you were a pony. It's times like this I wish I didn't care about you so damn much."