Is the Moon Really Made of Cheese?
Nightmare Moon sighed as she gazed upon the lifeless body of Luna. “Okay, so, we need to make it so that they don’t know I killed Luna. How do I—” She grinned. “I shall pretend to be her evil side! Easy! So if they do defeat me, I can just use transformation spells to make me look like her! They’ll believe it!”
“First of all,” Discord drawled as he suddenly appeared. “That’s a horrible idea. Second of all, Luna’s still alive.”
“Discord?!” Nightmare Moon growled. “How are you-?”
“Future and time shenanigans,” Discord grinned. “You just came back dead from the moon. I wanted to see what the Celestia happened back here.”
“I return from what now-?” Nightmare Moon’s head whipped to the door as Celestia blasted through it with a cry of ‘Sister!’.
Discord shrugged. “Anyways, that’s my cue. Have fun on the moon with Loony!” He popped out of existence.
Nightmare Moon cursed as she used illusion magic to turn herself into Luna. That stupid draconequus. I just have to play the part well. Then when she uses the Elements, I can just switch to Luna. Easy. Luna shifted on the ground, groaning.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” Nightmare Moon fired a blast at Luna, knocking her unconscious again. “I’m doing this properly. I’ll kill you later when I become you. Have fun!” She stepped up to the balcony, awaiting Celestia.
Of course, we all know what actually happened, didn’t we?
Princess Luna Kills Nightmare Moon
By iAmSiNnEr
Celestia gawped as she stood over the corpse of Nightmare Moon.
“Wait, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go,” she stammered. “She just returned from the moon! I waited for a thousand years for you, sister! No! Who did this to you? I shall avenge your death—”
A loud slurping noise. Celestia turned around, and her jaw literally hit the ground.
“Hey, sis,” Luna slurped from her drink. “Oh, have I missed caffeine. The moon doesn’t have caffeine at all.”
“Lu—luna?” Celestia spluttered.
Luna snorted. “No, not LuLuna. Just plain Luna. I know it’s been a thousand years, but that’s not an excuse to forget my name.”
Celestia looked at the corpse of Nightmare Moon, before looking at Luna. “But you’re—”
“Going to clean that up?” Luna finished. “Yeah, I probably should.”
“...I do not know what is going on here, and I need some alcohol. Then you’re going to explain to me everything.”
“Storytime?” Luna looked eager. “I like telling stories!”
“Not a storytime, Luna! Explanation-”
“HUZZAH!” Luna threw her drink aside. “LET US PARTAKE IN THE ALCOHOL AND STORYTIME!”
Celestia slammed her head into a wall.
“HOW DID WE BOTH GET BANISHED TO THE MOON?!” Luna bellowed as she swung her sword at Nightmare Moon. “I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!”
“YOU WERE NEXT TO ME!” Nightmare Moon shouted back. “WE GOT BANISHED TOGETHER, YOU IIJIT!”
“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!” Luna bellowed. “YOU WILL DIE! AND THE THRONE WILL BE MINE!”
“MINE!”
“NO, MINE!” Luna fired a blast of magic at Nightmare Moon, but missed and created yet another crater on the moon.
“Wait, the craters were created by you?” Celestia interrupted.
“Yep!” Luna downed another bottle of wine. “ANOTHER, SERVANT!”
The quivering butler quickly set down a whole bucket filled with bottles, before fleeing.
“Anyways,” Luna grinned a wild grin. “I used my favorite tactic! I told her the moon was cheese—”
“HEY LOOK, CHEESE!” Luna shouted as she dived aside from Nightmare Moon’s blast.
“Where?!” Nightmare Moon whirled around. “I love cheese!”
“HERE!” Luna smacked Nightmare Moon on the head with a giant wedge of cheese.
“Let me get this straight,” Celestia leaned forward. “You smacked her over the head with cheese.”
“Yep! I then—”
“BING BONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!” Luna whooped. “HUZZAH!”
“NOT DEAD!” Nightmare Moon charged into Luna.
“WHA—” Luna wheezed as the air was knocked out of her.
“AND NOW,” Nightmare Moon lifted up a rolled up newspaper. “PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM!”
“Wait, you thought cheese killed her?” Celestia demanded.
“Yeah! Isn’t cheese supposed to melt witches or something?” Luna protested.
“IT’S WATER, LUNA! AND THAT’S FROM TWOROTHY AND THE FAUSTIZARD OF QUESTRIA!”
“...oh. ANYWAYS—”
Nightmare Moon slammed the newspaper on Luna’s head. “And your doom has come!”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Wait, where did my sword—”
“CHEESE!” Luna slammed her in the head with cheese again.
“You did it again?!”
“WHAT?! CHEESE WAS GOOD!” Luna protested. “Especially since I turned the moon to cheese!”
“YOU DID WHAT NOW?!”
“BACK TO THE STORY! MORE ALCOHOL, SERVANT!”
“LUNA! ANSWER MY QUESTION—”
“AND THEN WE FOUGHT! ON THE SURFACE OF THE MOON—”
“IN THE NAME OF CHEESE, I SHALL KILL YOU, IMPOSTER!” Luna slammed Nightmare Moon in the head with cheese again.
“IN THE NAME OF CONQUERING THE WORLD, I SHALL STAB YOU WITH A KNIFE!” Nightmare Moon lunged forward with a cheese knife.
“Wait.” Luna held up a hoof. “Time out.”
Nightmare Moon froze mid-lunge. “What?”
“You had a cheese knife this entire time?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” Luna demanded.
“Wait,” Nightmare Moon swiveled her head to the knife. “Where did I get the cheese knife?”
“Let me see that.” Luna stepped forward.
“Here,” Nightmare Moon hoofed it over.
Luna examined the knife. “Looks like a version one cheese knife. We can use it to cut the cheese and partake in a cheese meal.”
“Truly, it shall be our salvation. A truce as we try to survive the thousand years?” Nightmare Moon asked.
“Of course. Both of us know only a cheese knife can cut cheese. And the moon is cheese, our only source of food.” Luna nodded.
“And so it shall be.”
“Wait, so how did she die?” Celestia tilted her head.
“Wait for the end of the story, sister! It’s rude to interrupt the storyteller!”
“So,” Luna said as she cut the cheese for the thousandth time. “Our last meal.”
“Our last meal,” Nightmare Moon agreed gravely. “Then we go back to Equestria.”
“And with this cheese, I declare our truce over.”
“Wait, Luna, what—”
Luna lunged forward with the knife and held it to Nightmare Moon’s throat. “The throne will be mine, dear Nightmare,” she whispered, almost lovingly. “Goodbye.”
“Luna, NO! WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESE WE SHARED? WHAT ABOUT THE YEARS WE SPENT TOGETHER?!”
“Any cheese connoisseur would know that this was Fauwiss Cheese. You told me it was Tirek Cheese. You’re a fake cheese enjoyer. That means your death.”
“NO—”
“And thus, Nightmare Moon was killed by Princess Luna,” Luna finished. “A truly riveting tale, is it not?”
“Luna, you just killed her for identifying the cheese wrong.” Celestia deadpanned. “She was ready to be your friend.”
“But cheese is holy.”
“Cheese is what now?”
“CHEESE IS HOLY!” Luna raised her glass to the sky. “FOR THE GLORY OF CHEESE, I SHALL MAKE MY FIRST DECREE OF MY RETURN TO EQUESTRIA! CHEESE IS NOW A NATIONAL FOOD!”
Celestia slammed her head into the wall.
Boy, was her head suffering much.
Not like it suffered much in other universes too.
…right?
Author's Note
Sometimes a story can truly be requested by a friend. And it's 100% Sunlight's fault.
