It all happened about 10 years ago. My parents were divorced, and I had to go back and forth between my parents houses, and frankly, I disliked this situation. For one, I don't like having to move from place to place. More than anything else, it lacked consistency. Second, my dad was... kind of a jerk. At least I didn't have to be with my dad as much, though. My brother and I both had to put up with this for a while, and I was very surprised that my brother had stopped seeing my dad before I made the choice to stop. Well, it wasn't completely his fault... He got very sick at one point and had to be put in the hospital for about half a year. After that, he just stopped going back and forth and decided to permanently stay with my mom.
My brothers decision me depressed, because now I would be the only one when I was at my dads house. I remember asking my brother almost everyday after school if we had to go to dads house, even though it was a schedule of Mondays and Thursdays as well as every other weekend. I dreaded those weekends. Sometimes, my dad would schedule some 'vacations' where I would stay with him for one whole week. He did this a few times, and after they ended, I would be silently crying every time. The only thing to look forward to was being back with my mom. Of course, I had eventually left my dad.
Near the time when I had seen my dad for the last time, he got married. And today, I somehow miss him. If I could just catch a glimpse of him one more time, even that would suffice. I don't even remember what he really looks or sounds like, except he has red hair, orange fur, and needs glasses. For three years, I didn't seem to care and forgot a lot more about him, even where he lived. Trial and error eventually led me to back to his house, where I found out that he moved to who knows where. The scenario was a bit awkward when the 'new' owner of the house answered the door to find me, in tears. Still, it was worth a shot, but I should have known he would had moved by now to get a new life. Surprisingly, my mom had a court date with him more recently. I couldn't go, I was in school and the court date didn't even have to do anything with me. It was just a bunch of finance discussion. You know... stuff I don't even understand. Anyway, I'd heard that he got two more kids. Apparently, I have two more step-brothers, and I've never met them. It's just odd to think that I have two brothers that I've never met. Anyway, the first time I ever saw his wife was when she and my dad trotted up to our house to walk me home with them for the weekend. I didn't even know she had even existed before that. She was actually pretty nice, but it seemed that my dad didn't even like it when she was nice to me. Not to far after that followed my dad scheduling another vacation, except this time, it was two weeks long. My dad trotted up to my house for the vacation, and I told him I wouldn't do it. Note here that I can be pushed around easily, and I absolutely hate making others feel bad. After I told him I wouldn't go, he was obviously, not happy about this and chose to just go back home until the time that was actually scheduled for me to go with him. That time, I had to go or I would feel like as much of a jerk as him. I closed the door behind me, and slowly trotted up to my dad without a word.
“Do you actually love me?” were the first words that came out of his mouth after a few minutes of walking. How could I answer that? If I said no, he would be angry, and I would have obviously made him feel bad, which, as I said before, hate doing. If I had said yes, he probably would have known I was lying, because at this point, I was practically in tears.
“I dunno...” Why did I say that? Maybe because I didn't know what to say, or I was telling the truth. After all... he was my dad. I should have sucked up my tears and said yes so that we could go on like normal, but I just had to say “I dunno.” He stopped, and it took me a moment to realize he did, because I was even closer to crying then before. I don't really like talking about this much, and usually just laugh about how mean my dad was with friends, but really, this haunts me every single day. Is it regret, or am I happy to have said that I didn't know if I loved my own dad?
“Go home.” I was in shock. I had always wanted to stop seeing my dad, but now that he told me to, I didn't know what to think. I hadn't moved since I stopped after my dad stopped walking, but I couldn't hear any movement, or any sort of feelings from behind me. My dad started to walk again, but I didn't. I watched him leave me in the distance, and all I could do was stand there. Did he decide to do this so that he could get rid of me? Maybe he did this because he was running out of money. Was he doing this for me? Did he know that he wasn't as nice as he thought he was and did what was best for me? I still don't even know. I haven't seen or heard from him since, except that part about hearing that I have two brothers.
