A Human Lawyer in Equestria
"There's a lot I don't understand about Equestria," Mila said, standing on the platform that supported Celestia's throne.
Celestia wriggled her wings. That signaled she felt restless. Mila was careful not to step too close, lest she get some feathers in the face. Again.
Celestia finally spoke. "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"The first shock was when I asked how to be licensed as a lawyer in Equestria. Nopony here seems to even know what a lawyer is! How is that possible? Your society looks civilized, or at least I thought it was. But if you don't have a proper way of settling serious conflicts without violence, or of trying accused criminals to find out whether they're guilty or innocent--"
The alicorn blinked. "Is that what lawyers do? Find out whether a creature is guilty or innocent?" She raised an eyebrow as she glanced at Mila's manner of dress...or odd compromise between dress and undress. "Which of those two options are you?"
"It's not my fault! I went to a local custom clothing shop...Carry-Sell Boutique, or something like that..."
"Do you mean Rarity's?"
"Yes, that was the pony's name. Rarity. She didn't know how to make clothes for humans, so I took my clothes off, and let her measure them and make patterns. Really, she should be grateful to me for letting her investigate my clothing. I'm opening up a whole new market for her."
Celestia blinked twice. "But who would buy human style clothing, except for you?"
"She can adapt the designs for ponies. New designs, new fabrics...she can learn from them, and make a fortune!"
Celestia snorted softly. "Let's leave that issue aside for now, of whether she can make any bits at all from having seen your clothing. It doesn't seem relevant."
"But it's every kind of relevant! Because when I told her the next day I didn't expect to ever pay her for sewing me some new sets of clothes, when really I was bringing HER such wonderful opportunities..."
Celestia's eyebrows both rose.
"She said that she'd only sewn the smaller garments, not the larger ones, and if I wouldn't pay she wouldn't do the rest. And THAT'S why I'm walking around wearing just underwear and damaged hose with a flour sack dress over them. Do you know what it's like going out and having to be dressed like this?"
Celestia shrugged. "Many ponies don't get to be dressed at all."
"But I'm not a pony! I need to dress professionally!"
"To work as a lawyer?" Celestia asked.
"Exactly!"
"But what is a lawyer?"
"A lawyer...gives people legal advice, and represents people in their legal matters. Some lawyers argue for people in court."
"Your...'people' don't have enough arguments already, so you have to pay people to make more arguments for you?" Celestia smiled. "That sounds lovely. To have so few arguments in your world, you actually want to PAY people to make up the shortage." She smiled. "I take back everything negative I said about your world before. It sounds like a wonderful place. I really have no idea why you ever left."
"I didn't CHOOSE to come here. I had an accident with a mirror, while I was being hit by a truck. And they didn't even step on the brakes! If only I could go back there and sue that son of a...never mind. It's too late, and worlds away."
Celestia shrugged. "Aside from being paid to argue in court...like some kind of jester, I suppose...what is legal advice?"
"It's a very important service. People need to know whether a course of action is legal or not, and what the likely outcome would be if it went to court. Would it be a crime or a misdemeanor? Would they be cheating on their taxes, or excessively polluting in a way that would cost them more in fines than they would make in extra profits? Or would they be merely taking a proactive position to assert and protect their rights? That sort of question."
"Hmm," Celestia replied. "How very odd."
Rarity rushed into the Day Court. "Am I interrupting anything? I'm sorry if I am. I simply wanted to share the good news!"
"Hello, Rarity!" Celestia welcomed her. "I'm so happy to see you. Mila here tells me that she owes you some money."
"Rrrrgh!" Mila clenched her fists. "That is NOT what I said."
"But you told me, you asked Rarity's shop to sew some clothes for you, and partway through the job you said you wouldn't pay for them. And somehow you have the clothes anyway." Celestia bent her neck to look more closely at the human. "Did you STEAL them? Because if you did, I will be somewhat peeved at you."
"I didn't--how can I be losing in court so hard when nobody's even filed a suit?"
Rarity interrupted. "Mila, I'm not here to ask you to pay me. I'm here to tell you that you were right."
Mila asked incredulously, "How's that?" One of her hands rubbed her flour sack dress. "Right about what?"
"About us making a fortune together!" Rarity enthused. "You said I could copy your garment designs if I paid you royalties. And it worked! All across Equestria, so many ponies want to get into your clothes!" Rarity pursed her lips. "Of course, I had to change things a little to account for anatomical differences. And I substituted a different, much thicker and cozier fabric to increase durability." Rarity sniffed. "I simply cannot imagine what the original manufacturers in your home world were thinking, selling a garment that would wear out so quickly." She shook her head. "Twilight! You can come in now!"
A little purple unicorn with wings on her back strolled into the Day Court.
Mila stared. "That's not proper professional dress. That's...you've made..."
Twilight raised a leg, waving it about. "These keep my tootsies so warm on a cold evening, I find I'm more comfortable and less distracted. When I'm working on new spells...writing the instruction sets and making diagrams...I can get my work done faster than ever before!"
Glaring at Rarity, Mila shouted, "You crude, tasteless bastard of a seamstress! I showed you perfectly elegant, professional style sheer hose, and you invented...you created...PROGRAMMER SOCKS!"
Twilight looked back and forth between Rarity and Mila. "Did somepony do something wrong?" She shook her head. "I sure hope it wasn't me."
"It's not your fault, Twilight," Rarity reassured her. She sighed. "But I'm very sad I have to ask all my customers to return all their new hosieries. And refund all their money." She sighed again. "So much work. But I have to respect your aesthetic integrity, Miss Mila. I really do."
Mila's mouth bent a little. "How much money are we talking about?"
"Would you like to be able to afford a little home to live in? And to make sure you get plenty of groceries? A night out on the town now and then? Buy clothes that don't have bits of flour still in them?" Rarity smiled. "That much, in royalties."
"I suppose...I should respect what the customers want." Mila nodded. "Yes, I should be gracious, and let you pay me all that money."
Rarity nodded decisively. "I'm glad you're so understanding. Meet me at my boutique later today, and we'll discuss the details. In fact, if you go there early, my assistant Coco can pay you the first installment."
"What if I go there right now?" Mila asked.
"I'm sure she has it ready for you."
Mila said, "You haven't seen the last of me. I expect you to make terrible, tasteless, ruined versions of the rest of my garments, too, and pay me even more royalties. Good day." She hurried out the door, presumably towards the boutique.
Celestia watched Mila go. When the human seemed far enough not to overhear, the alicorn asked, "Was it worth it?"
Rarity answered, "Her garments really were an inspiration. Also, she was so desperate for bits, she was trying to get everypony in town to pay her to start arguments. Can you imagine such a thing?"
Celestia's lips quirked. "I've heard some faraway lands DO have very strange customs. I suppose the compensated arguing must be one of them."
Twilight chimed in, "I hope she'll be less desperate now. Maybe she'll either take the time to look for a nicer kind of work than arguing, or at least hide away from decent, nice ponies in the new home she buys, counting her bits."
Celestia said doubtfully, "A pony can hope."
From somewhere outside, the ponies heard a terrible, anguished, angry scream.
"What was that, do you suppose?" Celestia asked. "What could have made her even angrier than your 'spellwriter socks' did?"
Rarity smiled proudly. "It turns out, with the right marketing, I can make twenty-five percent more money from stallions than from mares!"
Epilogue, Definitely Not an Author's Note
On their large snouts, of course. Where did you think I meant?
