coward

by applejackofalltrades

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Suicide / Self Harm, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1048

I am a coward. I am a wimp. She was everything, and I am nothing.

I wish I could say I was a brave pony.

vent from last april. strangely relevant again

Published 2022-02-09 15:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-09 15:00:00 UTC

in another life

I wish I could say I was a brave pony.

Maybe others saw me that way. Maybe I did a good job of hiding the fear that was always there, crawling inside my body and through my veins, making my wings shiver, even on the warmest days. But, as time would tell, I was afraid. Always afraid.

Let me try something. Rainbow Dash.

What did you think of? A smoking hot blue pony who would show you a thing or two about loyalty, right? Maybe you even thought of words like confident, adventurous, competitive, athletic, fast, and perhaps even brave. For the most part, you’d be right. I am all those things, but as I said before, I’m not brave. I never was. I just did a great job at pretending.

I think Applejack knew all along. I was never able to hide anything from her. For all her talk about honesty, she was really good at enforcing it. I dunno if it was because it was me specifically, but she always seemed to be able to read me like Twilight reads books. A scrutinizing look, a raise of an eyebrow, and a snort. “You’re lyin’, Dash” she’d always say. She was always right. When was she ever not?

Oh Celestia, how I loved that pony. I’d rather be caught dead than admit it outright. I loved her. Love her. I still do. I was too afraid to tell her, so I never did. I… hope she knew, though. Although, for as much praise as I give her for being so good at calling my bluffs, that girl’s really freaking dense. Maybe I should have told her. Why didn’t I tell her? It would have been so easy. I think she loved me too.

Damn it, I was just so scared. So freaking scared. I wanted her to know, I wanted her to tell me that she loved me too. I wanted her. I wanted her to want me. But I never told her, and now I never will. Every time I ask what happened to her, the ponies… my friends… they just shake their heads. I don’t know why. Nopony will tell me anything.

She always seemed so sad, in a way that wasn’t obvious. We had a lot in common. I was pretending to be brave; she was pretending to be happy. We both saw through each other. I was made of ice, and she was made of glass. I think she shattered. She broke, and I wasn’t there to help like I should have been. She was alone, and I was afraid. And now she’s gone and I don’t even know what happened to her.

I’m still afraid. Afraid that whatever happened was my fault. I heard her crying, you know. I flew by her house and I saw her sitting outside behind the barn, crying in the middle of the day. I never went to help, I never asked if she was okay. I flew away, my heart racing. I should have done something, that was the last time I ever saw her. Maybe if I hadn’t been so cowardly, I could have helped.

I say that I don’t know what happened, but I do know what happened. If Applejack was here, she’d call me out on that bluff. If I deny it, then I don’t have to face it. Applejack is gone. She’s gone and I did nothing to prevent it. I don’t want to say it, but I know what happened. Did I mention that already?

I am a coward. I am a wimp. She was everything, and I am nothing. I am still nothing without her. Even now, I know this is a fact. I’m sorry if you can’t read this very well. My hooves are shaking, and it’s so cold. I’m so cold. I’m so scared.

Please, you have to forgive me when this is all over, okay? I never meant for all this to happen. I thought that if I flew away that night, I wouldn’t make it worse. I think... I think I did make it worse. I made it worse and now she’s gone.

It really is an awesome view. I wish that Applejack could have seen it, at least once. Earth ponies can’t walk on clouds, and while there are spells to allow them to, she never liked all that weird, funky magic business. Can’t say I blame her though. One wrong move and she’d fall through the clouds. Would I even be able to save her? Would she have even wanted me to?

I loved her. I would have saved her.

It really is a great view. Maybe someday, I’ll see it with her. At least once.

I’m so sorry. I’m a coward. I know what she did. I know I could have stopped it. I could’ve tried. But I flew away. I’m so scatterbrained. Does this make any sense? Nothing is making sense anymore. Everything is so fuzzy. I loved her. This is a great view. I loved her.

I love her. I want to see her again. Let her know I’m sorry for being so weak. I could’ve saved her. I should have saved her. I should have told her. I should have done more. But now, the only thing left to do is be with her again.

Am I brave? No. This is… This is the coward’s way out. I know I should have done more. I should do more, but I can’t. All I can do is this.

It’s getting so cold. I really picked the perfect spot, huh? At least it’ll be like falling asleep on a cloud. A nice, relaxing nap. Hey, who knows? Maybe once I get up, I’ll be able to tell her how sorry I am and how much I loved her.

Love her.

If you’re reading this, forgive me. I’m sorry. I can’t keep being a coward.

It really is a great view.

See you soon.