Dear Princess Celestia,
I would like to thank you for your interest in our organisation and as per your request I will attempt to describe the arrival of MGP-001.
While I wasn't present for the following events, Miss Pie assures me that her memory is very comprehensive and she has taken time out of her busy schedule to 'supervise' me while I recover. I have made sure to check Miss Pie's account with accounts given by other witnesses but in some cases this was impossible.
By all accounts it was a sunny day in Ponyville the day the first subject arrived. My mistake, "It was a very sunny day in Ponyville. It was so hot that [Miss Pie's] ice cream was all melty before [she] could finish it." I have been assured that while the ponies of Ponyville were quite lethargic that day, the bees were buzzing, the crickets were chirping and the birds were singing. Pinkie Pie was seemingly untouched by the heat and felt the need to join in with the most annoying noise I have ever heard. She was merrily bouncing to Sweet Apple Acres, on her way to see Applejack.
Suddenly Pinkie's tail began to twitch. This was a surprisingly common occurrence for Pinkie that warned her of a worryingly common situation: something was about to fall. She whipped her head up and searched the empty sky, seeing only the sun lazily making its way west. The orchard was similarly empty of falling objects. At least that's what she thought until she remembered where she was. “Apples! Of course!” thought Pinkie, “Apples tend to fall from trees when you buck them.” Naturally, she completely forgot about the incident and continued to bounce her merry way through the trees. Her thoughts dominated by important issues like 'What games could we play while working?' I Spy, Twenty Questions and Who Can Get The Most Apples were the obvious choices.
Pinkies train of thought was derailed when a loud crack echoed through the surrounding hills. “Applejack must really be working hard if she's making this much noise” thought the pink mare. A brief cry of fear echoed through the hills and Pinkie rose to a gallop. It was the right thing to do. Applejack might have hurt herself.
Pinkie didn't have time to react when an orange blur came out from behind a tree. They collided head-on. Pinkie and Applejack tumbled onto the soft grass, AJ's hat knocked clear off her head. While neither pony was hurt they were both startled by what they say when they looked up.
Standing over them was a huge, two-legged thing that seemed to stare down at them. It didn't move, it just reached out with its two arms. It was mostly a tan coloured stone except on what was unmistakably supposed to be a face. It's staring eyes were just green rings. Its nose, mouth, cheeks and chin were painted on in black. All of this was emphasised by the crude red lines that ran between its features and continued on past the eyes and nose in a broad, off-putting smear.
Pinkie could only stare back at it until Applejack finally spoke.
"Come on Pinkie. Just back away and don't blink. If you blink, it... well, it moves."
Pinkie stared up at the big statue-thing, "Don't be silly Applejack. Statues can't move." Applejack just watched, frozen, as pinkie walked up to the thing and sniffed it. "Is this some kind of prank AJ? 'Cause you're doing it all wrong."
The orange mare took Pinkie's tail in her mouth and forcibly pulled her away from the statue. "Ahm sherious Pinhih! We neeh do geh awah!"
Boring things like teeth could do nothing to sate the pink mare's curiosity and she was soon free. "Where do you think it came from AJ? The Everfree?"
"I was applebucking when I heard this loud noise and then a crash." said Applejack hurriedly, now backing away without Pinkie, "It hit the tree behind me. Pinkie we-"
"What kind of a loud noise? Did it sound like a bang or a thump? Kapow? Ptaang? Was it the same loud noise I heard?"
"Pinkie! If you're going to stay I need you to keep staring at it! I'm going to get help." said Applejack, as she reluctantly turned her back on the statue and galloped off towards home.
Pinkie was now quite alone with the statue. She wasn't scared. There was no reason to be scared. She just closed one eye at a time. "Simple!" thought the pink pony, "AJ is so silly." It took a few trips around the statue to convince Pinkie that there was nothing particularly special about it. Except it's weird shape. Oh, and the fact that it could apparently move. Having never learned the meaning of 'self-preservation', it wasn't long before Pinkie decided to see what happened when she blinked. She walked backwards, keeping an eye on the thing the entire time and when she was almost over the hill, she blinked and something scraped across the ground.
It was right there. Its arms only inches from her face.
"That's. So. Cool!" beamed Pinkie as she practically shook with excitement. "I barely heard you move! And you're so fast! You could probably beat Dashie in a race." She pulled herself into a conspiratorial huddle with the tan statue, whispering a quick: "Don't tell her I said that." before she pulled away again. "Are you an alien? Like in one of Twilight's stories? Oh ooh! Why are you here? Do you want to plunder our natural resources? Do you want to speak to Mayor Mare, or Celestia, to discuss the terms of our surrender? Are you here to find the secret of friendship? Is this about that message in a bottle that I threw into the sky?"
There was half an hour of blissful, yet eerie, silence as the cotton candy pony waited for the answers. Half an hour. This event would later be demonstrated to an inquisitive fool, who was tricked into playing the statue, and would probably have nightmares about that silent, winking, stare for days afterwards.
It finally dawned on Pinkie that the statue wasn't going to answer her many questions and it wasn't long before she came to her own conclusion. The outstretched arms. Those big, green eyes. It was so obvious! Against all common sense, Pinkie wrapped her forelegs around the big tan statue and closed her eyes.
It's an unusual feeling. The rough concrete begins to move as if it were some kind of organic tissue and when it does move, it moves fast. Pinkie felt the things arms wrap around her but quickly pulled herself out of the embrace when they began to tighten.
“You have to be careful you silly filly. Somepony could get hurt if you squeezed them like that. Not everyone's as flexible as me.” Animals may learn but Pinkie Pie doesn't have to. She wormed her way back into its embrace and closed her eyes once more.
I only have Miss Pie's account to verify how she was able to pacify 'The Statue'. I still find it difficult to believe tthat this dangerous and undeniably lethal anomaly was almost completely pacified following a brief tutorial on hugging from a hyperactive, irri- funny and super-fun pink pony named Pinkie Pie.
I have spared you the full account of what happened during that time but I will say that Miss Pie was very thorough with her instructions and I have to admire anything that can face a potentially deadly creature/object and come to the conclusion that it wants “hugs”.
That is to say, I'm impressed she got it right.
She is yet to provide a logical explanation for what followed.
Pinkie sighed as she flew through the air. The trip hadn't gone for as long as she thought it would and it had ended so suddenly. The wind in her hair, the roar in her ears. The darkness flying by. Well it wasn't really darkness; she had just had her eyes closed.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she landed on all four hooves, her face pressed against something soft and yellow.
“Pinkie?” said Applejack's voice.
“Yes, Applejack's voice?” replied Pinkie.
Applejack sighed, “Would you kindly take a step back.”
Thankfully, Applejack's mane didn't follow Pinkie as she stepped back and she could finally see where she was. She was back at Sweet Apple Acres tough there was no sign of Applebloom, Big Mac or Granny Smith. In front of her stood three surprised, confused and scared mares. Applejack, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. Applejack froze and Pinkie watched as her pupils quickly shrank to pinpricks.
“Pinkie.” Applejack said softly.
“What is it AJ?” Pinkie said, concerned by how serious her friend was acting.
Applejack shifted herself to the right and kept staring at something behind Pinkie, “Don't panic but the... thing is right behind you.”
“Oh. Is that all?” Pinkie brushed a hoof across her forehead. “I thought I still had apple on my face.” She ran to Rainbow Dash and shook her, “Quick Dashie! I need you to go find a blindfold.”
Rainbow put a hoof to her head before she replied to the Pinkie on the left, “Why do we need a blindfold?”
Pinkie just shook her again, “There's no time to explain. It's urgent.”
As Dash flew into the barn Twilight turned to look at Applejack, who nodded reluctantly. Then she turned to speak to Pinkie who was now behind the group. “Why do we need a blindfold Pinkie? Applejack told us that it can't move if we can see it. Does it need to see us?”
“Don't be silly Twilight,” said Pinkie, stating what she felt was obvious, “the blindfold isn't for the statue. Why would we want to blindfold it anyway? It's so cool! It carried me all the way here and-”
Twilight cut her off, “It carried you here? Applejack said it attacked her!”
“It didn't want to hurt her, Twilight. It was trying to give her a hug. Though now that I think of it, Applejack isn't very flexible so one of those hugs might have really hurt her but don't worry, I fixed that. Anyway, being carried is so fun. It's all 'whoosh' and 'swish'. It feels just like the time Dashie gave me a ride.”
“Pinkie!” shouted Dash as she came gliding down from the hayloft with a bandanna wrapped around her forehoof, “You said you'd never tell anypony about that!”
“Are you sure it's not dangerous?” asked Applejack, risking a look back.
Pinkie Pie put on a smile that split her face, “Of course I'm sure. Nopony is looking at it now and it hasn't done anything.”
Applejack and Twilight whipped around to see that the big, tan statue was still where they had last seen it. Standing in the grass by the side of the road. Arms at its sides.
Well, it wasn't exactly the same. Now it was wearing Applejack's hat.
“Pinkie.” said Applejack as reluctantly turned away from the statue once more, “Why do we need a blindfold?”
Pinkie's smile somehow managed to grow bigger, “For the race of course.”
Needless to say, there was no race that afternoon. While Miss Pie did manage to calm them down eventually, they faced some difficult questions. Where did it come from? Why was it here? What do you do with a moving statue that had only just learned how to hug something without killing it? The answers to these questions aren't going to be answered in this letter as it is already far too late.
Sincerely, Blue Shift
Co-Director of the MGP Foundation.
Pinkie Pie stood by Applejack as the Cutie Mark Crusaders secured the perimeter. It was clear to her that after Applejack's overreaction to the statue's appearance she just couldn't rely on anypony else to give a strange creature a proper welcome. That was a super important job and required somepony who was calm, collected and, most of all, responsible. Pinkie was all three of these things, obviously.
She took the lollipop out of her mouth, "What's the situation AJ?"
"Like I said when I came and got you, I fell out of the sky, I hasn't moved and I haven't tried to attack me. Now are you gonna tell me why you insisted on changing into that costume?"
Pinkie looked over her sunglasses at the orange mare in worry. Normally AJ's so smart. "It's not a costume, silly. It's a uniform. Lots of jobs have a uniform." Then, of course, she worried about the way AJ was speaking.
"I thought you worked for the Cakes?"
"Nope," said Pinkie as she turned to face the three approaching fillies, "it's just a hobby I get paid to do."
"We made that circle you wanted Pinkie." said Scootaloo tiredly as they arrived. Both of the older mares could clearly see the pink tape stretched haphazardly between the apple trees and when Applejack caught sight of some tape on the far side of the ring she nodded to Pinkie. "Can you tell us why we did it now. We know you said it was a secret but it might be easier to get our cutie-marks if we knew what we were doing."
"Sorry girls. That's a super-duper-double-secret. Actually, that's so secret that I want you all to pinky promise me that you won't tell anypony else. Cross your heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye." After the fillies did the actions to match the oath, Pinkie pulled three cupcakes from her jacket pockets. "Just like I promised, here's your cupcakes. Now I want you to go play in the clubhouse."
The Crusaders all pouted and Apple Bloom said "You mean we can't even play in the same field as you?"
"Of course you can but who will eat all the cupcakes I left back at the homestead?"
Upon bearing the words 'cupcake' and 'homestead' their minds were made up and the three, suddenly more energetic, fillies galloped off towards the farm.
"What are you gonna do now?" said Applejack as she watched them go. Pinkie just raised her forehooves to her mouth and gave a long, piercing whistle and Applejack looked around in confusion, trying to see who the pink mare had called. She couldn't help but jump in fright when she finally spotted the statue standing directly beside her with a big pink box balanced on its arms. "I didn't even hear it that time." she said shakily.
"Yep, we've been working on that. How else will I sneak him into town?" Pinkie pulled the box off of the statue, pulled the lid off and checked it's contents. Tools, check. First-aid stuff, check. Baked goods, check. She was ready. "AJ. If anything happens," Pinkie wheeled her party cannon out from behind a tree, "you know what to do." And with that she was off, merrily trotting to the centre of the ring.
Applejack looked at the note attached to the cannon. "What the hay is a 'laughter shell'?"
Pinkie watched me from behind a nearby apple tree, trying to see if there was anything dangerous about me. "Take notes, Stony." she said to the statue as it stood in the open right next to her. "I appear to be a regular toaster. I'm a dull gray colour, like a really dull gray. I appear to be broken somehow. I don't look nasty right now."
She turned to Stony the statue, "How are you going?" The pink mare pulled the scroll from its arm, ignoring the fact that it could hold both a scroll and a quill without hooves or fingers, and looked at the formless scribble that now adorned the page. She shrugged, he'd caught the gist of it.
"I'm moving in." She slowly crept towards me. I really did look just like an ordinary toaster. A splitting image of Toasty Warm's cutie mark. I couldn't be a normal toaster, of course. Normal toasters don't fall out of the sky and startle farmponies, they just sit there and toast things. She lightly prodded me with her hoof. I'd lost a few parts on impact but the pieces looked like they'd still fit together well enough.
"Screwdriver."
The screwdriver flew through the air and embedded itself up to the handle in the soil. She'd often had to repair mechanical things back at Sugarcube Corner, the oven, the taffy maker, the flying machine. She'd actually built that last one while sleepwalking. Fixing me should be easy. She looked at the pieces on the ground. To any other mind it would have been the least intuitive puzzle ever. This didn't bother Pinkie. She didn't even know the meaning of the word 'intuitive'.
She picked up the sparky bit and held it against the shiny thing, twisting two pretty coloured wires together as she did. It was prettier that way. Then she continued sticking parts into places based on convenience and colour until finally she was screwing my side casing on with the four remaining screws. Now was the moment of truth.
"Bread".
This time Pinkie caught the loaf of bread with an outstretched hoof. She pulled two slices from the bag and slowly eased the slices into my slots. The way she pushed the plunger down was delicate, as if she were making confetti charges and not making toast with a possibly alien toaster.
The good news was that my hot bits didn't burst into flames, rip a hole in time or not work at all. The bad news was that Pinky still hadn't found a reason why I had fallen out of the sky. Had a pegasus just dropped me into the middle of the field? Derpy didn't even do deliveries this far from town.
Back at the perimeter, Applejack was still preparing for the worst. "...and then you determine the trajectory-"
"Hey Applejack!"
Applejack's head whipped around and she saw Pinkie and the statue standing behind her.
"Turns out I was just a broken toaster," said the pink mare, "nothing to worry about."
Now, Applejack was used to Pinkie being Pinkie but saying that she was a toaster was completely unexpected. "Whaddaya mean you're a toaster, Pinkie."
"Not me, silly." she giggled as she turned to reveal me balanced on her back, "Me."
"Now listen here Pinkie. I'm a toaster. You're not a toaster."
"Silly Applejack. You're not a toaster and-"
Applejack cut Pinkie off with a hoof and looked cautiously at me. "I am a toaster. Tell me exactly what I just said Pinkie."
"'I am a toaster' but what does that..." she followed Applejack's gaze to me, "Oh. I'm causing some kind of weird mind things that make us say I instead of me. Ohmygosh! Do you think I'm dangerous?"
Applejack just leaned against the cannon and rubbed her temples. "No matter who you're talking about the answer is maybe. Any idea how we're gonna deal with this."
Dizzy Twister lay peacefully on her couch, enjoying her day off. With not a single noise to be heard in the house, aside from the occasional hoofsteps from upstairs, it was easy for her to just slip in and out of sleep as she read her book and basked in the sunlight that was flooding through the living room window. It was difficult working as a delivery mare, especially working the express jobs. And then there were the packages she delivered on the side to some less than reputable customers. Not that she'd been doing much of that lately. Not since-
There was a knock on the door.
The surprised pegasus fell to the floor, sending her copy of Corona's Journey flying. She wasn't expecting anypony. The hoofsteps upstairs had stopped, no doubt she was thinking the same thing. Dizzy quickly recovered and cautiously opened the door. She definitely was not expecting to see Applejack and Pinkie Pie. The latter looked as serious as Dizzy had ever seen her. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and tie, black sunglasses and her poofy mane was tied back in a ponytail.
"Heya Dizzy." said Pinkie, her happy nature conflicting with her attire.
"Hi Pinky. Uh, would you like to come in?"
The three mares moved into the living room. It was only after they had all taken a seat that Dizzy realised what a mess it was. The other mares didn't seem to notice though.
"Pinkie and I were really hoping we could speak to your sister about a problem of ours." said Applejack with a seemingly friendly smile.
Dizzy began to sweat as she thought of the earth pony upstairs. "I don't know what you're talking about. Last I heard, Toasty was running from the Manehattan Hearts."
Pinkie giggled at the ill-advised name of the Manehattan Police Department. "Don't be silly Dizzy. I know she's been staying with you for the past month. Wait, she's not in any trouble is she?"
"Um. Of course not Pinkie. It's just..." she trailed off when she saw the way Applejack was scrutinising her. There was no way the Element of Honesty would believe one of her lies. "What exactly do you need her help with?"
"I can't tell you," said Pinkie, speaking around her lollipop, "it's super secret."
Could pinkie really be a G-Mare? The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. Her ambiguous relation to the Cakes. Her secret caches. Her in-depth knowledge of everypony, right down to their birthdays. But what did that make Applejack? Was she connected to the Appleoosa Rangers like her cousin? What was his name? Rug Burn? Why was she working with-
Dizzy mentally facehooved.
The pieces were all falling into place. All of the elements worked for Celestia. The G-Mare, the ranger, the forester, the spy, overwatch and, last of all, their direct line to the princess.
"Are you sure you can't tell me anything?"
Pinkie Pie, who had been noisily adjusting her lollipop throughout Dizzy's internal monologue, snapped to attention. "Okay, I'll tell you. We just want Toasty to look at me and see what she says. She could make my job much easier."
There was only one thing to do, "I'll, um, I'll go get her then."
As Dizzy turned the corner she tipped the bookcase across the hallway and galloped up the stairs. She didn't stop until she reached the other side of the house and opened the window. When she turned around she was faced with her twin.
"Toasty, we're compromised! Grab the bits! Forget your bags!"
"What about the razzleberries?"
"Leave them! We can always get more!"
When Applejack and Pinkie Pie finally reached the second floor, all they saw was an amber earth pony riding an amber pegasus into the sunset.
"I just don't understand, Twilight." said Pinkie before taking another bite of her sandwich "All I wanted was chat to Toasty about me."
After Dizzy and Toasty's sudden and mysterious flight from Ponyville, the two mares had come to the library for advice. Where else would you take a seemingly magical toaster.
Twilight levitated some drinks over to Pinkie and Applejack as she left the kitchen. "I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding"
Applejack was about to say something when her ears pricked at the sound of the library's front door unlocking. The door burst inwards as a crazed blue pony ran in, snatched me from Pinkie's grasp and continued into Twilight's basement. The three mares had only begun to react as the basement door locked from the inside.
They all got up and ran to the basement door and Pinkie rattled the doorknob.
From the basement they heard a sudden, strange exclamation. "BueNO!"
"What the hay does that mean?" said Applejack as she attempted to buck the thick, wooden door open.
"Finally! Someone whO KNOWS HOw to properly repair a to- to- toaster." The unknown voice sounded metallic and somehow artificial, like a recording.
"Twilight," Pinkie said, "is there somepony in your basement we should know about?"
"What? No. Applejack, move out of the way. I've got an idea."
Twilight's horn lit up as Applejack stepped aside. The purple mare didn't even blink as she prepared her spell. This had to be precise. There was no room for error. Her horn grew brighter as she struggled to focus entirely on what she had to do.
"WHEre are you sti-i-i-cking that screwdriver?" said the mystery voice.
Twilight braced herself as two spots of magic appeared on the side on the door and two more in front of her face. As she finally dropped the spell, two hinges clattered to the floor and the basement door fell towards them with an almighty crash.
Pinkie was the first inside. Now, there were many blue ponies Pinkie would have expected to see down there, Pokey Pierce or Trixie for example, but the pony she found was completely unexpected.
The pink mare racked her brain, trying to remember everything she could about a mare she hadn't seen in a very long time. "Screwloose?"
Screwloose barked.
"Is that a dog! G-g-g-get it away frOM ME!"
Pinkie looked around the room for the source of the phantom voice as both Twilight and Applejack entered, with similar reactions. Screwloose, however, just went back to working on the toaster and, after she made a few adjustments, she screwed the cover back on.
"Ah, good as new. You've done well, whoever you are."
There was no mistaking it now. The toaster was speaking.
Twilight stepped forward, "Hello, uh, Mr. Toaster-"
"Twilight!" interrupted Pinkie, "You said 'toaster'!"
The toaster spoke up before Twilight could continue, "I can understand why that would surprise you. Let me begin by apologising for my abuse of my compulsion systems and the effects that may have had on your minds. I can assure you that won't happen again now that I have been fixed."
None of the mares could speak at that moment as their mouths were frozen in disbelief.
"Is that dog still here?" it added.
Twilight gathered her wits. "That wasn't a dog, that was your... technician."
It was the toaster's turn to be silent for a moment. "Stranger things have happened."
Pinkie Pie snapped out of it and bounced up to the workbench, "Excuse me Mr. Toaster but how are you thinking and speaking and making us say silly things?"
"Well, Miss uh..."
"Call me Pinkie."
Well, Pinkie. What do you do for a man who can't be bothered to make breakfast in the morning?"
Applejack turned to Twilight and quietly said "What's a man?"
"You build him a toaster that makes him have breakfast. You make it tell him to have something to eat when he walks in. If he isn't in the mood for toast, change his mood with highly experimental, possibly dangerous, technology. I am the Experimental Emotion Toaster, or EET. Well, I'm the prototype and I can really only project one emotion. 'Toast bread'."
"But what's with all the 'me' stuff?" Pinkie asked, still confused.
"I was trying to get someone's attention. Think about it. 'Hey, I can't talk about the toaster without using the first person and I have a sudden craving for toast. Maybe we should get a professional to take a look at it and maybe fix it up.'"
Dear Princess,
Twilight said I should write a letter to you about the weird things that have been happening lately and because I'm sooo responsible I wrote it myself. A couple of days ago a big statue fell into Sweet Apple Acres and really spooked Applejack but that's okay because he just wanted to hug her. We named him Stony Gaze. Today we found out that it might not be a one-time-deal because a psychic, talking toaster called Mr. Toaster fell out of the sky and startled Applejack. Twilight thinks they might have come from another world because Mr. Toaster keeps mentioning 'men' and we've never heard of them. I was kinda hoping you'd know what to do about this.
From the Ponyville party pony, Pinkie Pie
P.S. Don't worry. We've been keeping them a secret.
P.P.S. Don't be angry but we had to say we were doing Crown business so that we could keep Mr. Toaster's technician in Twilight's guest room.
