The Friendship Express Dilemma

by hamster wizard

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death
Length: 2376

Is it morally correct to let Pinkie Pie get hit by a trolley? Maybe.

Rated T for being run over by a hypothetical trolley.

Everyone hates thought experiments. They're confusing, time consuming, and there's usually no way out without making you look like a jerk.

Today, Twilight tries to explain to her friends why letting them die is technically the correct choice.

Published 2022-02-13 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-13 07:50:01 UTC

Training montage

“The exact nature of the situation is irrelevant. The problem seeks to answer a moral quandary.”

Rainbow Dash raised a hoof once more.

Twilight flicked her pointer in her friend’s direction. “No, for the last time. There is no way to stop the trolley.”

Rainbow Dash slowly lowered her hoof. Twilight then flicked her pointer back toward her chalkboard, tapping on her rudimentary drawing. It depicted a trolley approaching a fork in the tracks, with five ponies on the straightway and a single pony on the alternate path. Off the side there was a drawing of who appeared to be Trixie standing beside a lever.

Applejack then spoke up. “Well, ain’t much of a question if’n yall ask me. Savin’ five ponies is a heck of a lot better than savin’ one.”

“Yes, but you are doing so at the cost of another pony’s life. A death which you are responsible for,” Twilight rebutted.

Fluttershy spoke next, “Um, aren’t you responsible for the death of the other five if you do nothing?”

Twilight leaned in, uncomfortably close to Fluttershy’s face. “Are you?” she whispered.

“That’s tha way I figure it. Somepony dies whichever way ya slice it, so ya may as well save as many ponies as ya can,” Applejack nodded.

“Yes dear, but how could you live with yourself after causing the death of another pony?” Rarity asked.

Applejack pulled her hat down. “We all must live with our sins Rarity. Trudging ever forward through this cruel joke we call life.”

An awkward silence fell over the room.

“I mean, aw shucks, ah sure love apples.”

“...Right. What about you Starlight? You’ve been awfully quiet,” Twilight said.

Starlight Glimmer, who had been leaning back in her chair nonchalantly, snapped her attention back to the topic. “Oh! Well, I wouldn’t pull the lever.”

“Because you couldn’t hurt another pony, right?” Fluttershy asked.

“Huh? No, if the five ponies are too stupid to get out of the way then they deserve to die,” Starlight answered.

Everypony was silent for a moment before Rainbow Dash spoke up. “Starlight, they’re tied to the tracks.”

“How can you know that for sure? How do you know they’re tied to the tracks?” Starlight asked.

Twilight facehooved. “Starlight, the semantics don’t matter. The point is that if you do nothing, five ponies die, but if you pull the lever then one pony dies.”

Starlight tilted her head. “And I know that because..?”

“It doesn’t matter! For the sake of hypothetical argument, you just know! It doesn’t even need to be a trolley!” Twilight shouted.

Starlight pouted. “Okay, jeez. I’d pull the lever then.”

“And kill the other pony?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah sure, whatever.”

“But how can you be sure that’s the morally correct choice?” Twilight asked.

Starlight shrugged. “If I do nothing, I kill the other five through my inaction.”

Applejack nodded. “Yep, that’s what ah figured.”

“But like, what if I could outfly the trolley?”

“Oh for the love of- Rainbow, for the sake of argument, the trolley is moving infinitely fast. You cannot outfly it,” Twilight groaned.

“Um, if it’s moving infinitely fast, then shouldn’t we not have time to pull the lever?” Fluttershy asked.

Starlight piped up. “Actually, an object’s mass increases the closer it approaches the speed of light. Anything moving at ‘infinite’ speed would theoretically destroy the entire planet, making the entire exercise meaningless.”

“What if I stopped the pony who tied them to the tracks before they did it?” Rainbow sounded smug.

Twilight’s eye twitched. “You can’t.”

“Why not?” Rainbow asked.

Starlight smirked. “Yeah, why not Twi?”

“You just. Can’t. Okay?”

Dash opened her mouth once more. “But what if-”

“It’s hypothetical Dash! We are just assuming that all you may do in the situation is pull the lever or not pull the lever. That is all,” Twilight said, sounding rather irate.

Rainbow put a hoof to her chin in thought for a moment, and did indeed manifest a thought. “What if I ‘hypothetically’ could outfly the ‘hypothetical’ trolley?” she said, making air quotes with her hooves.

Twilight ignored her, turning back to her friends. “Rarity? How about you then?”

“The train is not destroying the entire planet then?” Rarity asked cautiously.

“No.”

“But it is still moving too fast to stop, or untie the ponies from the tracks?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my, this is quite a conundrum.” Rarity pondered the question for a moment before speaking, “I believe I would pull the lever, and simply bear the guilt myself.”

Twilight nodded. “Most ponies say that they would pull the lever, reasoning that they’re responsible for the death of the five if they do nothing, and that five lives are worth more than one. However…”

Twilight flipped her chalkboard over, revealing a similar drawing, only this time the pony beside the lever was Applejack, and the single pony on the branching path was Apple Bloom. Twilight smiled at the gathered ponies. “Who would pull the lever now?”

Starlight raised her hoof, and everypony glared at her.

“What?” she asked.

“Starlight, that’s Apple Bloom!” Applejack shouted.

“Who?”

“Mah sister!”

“Oh!” Starlight lowered her hoof.

Twilight nodded to herself. “Applejack, would you care to explain your change of heart?”

“Well, family comes first after all.” Applejack nodded.

“But are you not then responsible for the deaths of the five ponies on the other track?” Twilight asked.

“Naw, not like ah tied em up.”

“Right then. Starlight, earlier you said that if you do nothing then the other five die through your inaction.” Twilight said.

“Yeah, true,” Starlight responded.

“And you would let the other five die to save a pony you know?”

“Yep.” Starlight leaned back in her chair.

“Wow, that’s cold,” Rainbow said.

“I think it’s rather touching, that Starlight would kill five ponies to save Apple Bloom.” Rarity said.

Twilight shuffled uncomfortably a bit as she spoke, “Anyway, most ponies, even after saying they would pull the lever and let one stranger die, wouldn’t pull the lever if somepony they know would die. This is because the life of a friend or family member is worth more to them than the five strangers, even though five lives is worth more than one."

“What about you Twilight?” Starlight asked.

Twilight straightened her posture. “I have actually given this some thought. As princess, it’s my duty to remain impartial, and no matter who was on the other track, it is my obligation to save as many ponies as possible.”

“Wow, okay then.” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

Looking around, Twilight could see the disappointment on her friend’s faces.

“Really Twilight?” Fluttershy deadpanned at her.

“What?” Twilight asked.

“Ah mean, ah woulda left that lever alone if’n it was you on that other track Twi, but now ah ain’t so sure.” Applejack sounded disappointed.

“Some princess of friendship,” Starlight said disapprovingly.

“And here I thought we were friends darling.” Rarity flicked her head away from Twilight.

“We are friends! And as my friends I would expect any of you to do the same to me!” Twilight retorted.

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t kill five ponies to save me,” Fluttershy sounded on the verge of tears as she spoke.

“What- I can’t believe we’re even discussing this! Of course I wouldn’t kill five innocent ponies to save you!” Twilight yelled in disbelief.

Fluttershy then actually began crying, and Rainbow had to put a hoof around her in comfort.

Twilight reached out a hoof. “Fluttershy I-”

Rarity slapped Twilight across the cheek, but since she has hooves instead of hands she basically just punched her in the face. Then she shouted, “I think you’ve done enough!”

“Yeah!” Rainbow added helpfully.

“What the- I don’t- It’s hypothetical!”

The next day

“And now they’re all ignoring me! Over a stupid thought experiment! Can you believe that!”

Derpy nodded her head. “I really do sympathize with you Twilight, but I actually deliver mail to the entire town and I’m running really late because of this.” She made a move to step out of the castle doorway, but Twilight kept talking.

“Everypony agreed that it’s morally correct to pull the lever! But when I want to pull the lever they’re all ‘oh Twilight, how can you be so cruel’. The hypocrisy!”

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie dropped in from the ceiling, scaring the daylights out of both ponies, and giving Derpy the perfect excuse to flee at high speeds.

“Pinkie! I’m so glad to see you!” Twilght sounded relieved.

“There’s no time Twilight! Quick, teleport us to longitude 27.56, latitude -69.28!”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“What part of ‘no time’ was unclear!?”

Twilight lit her horn, and with a pop, the two of them reappeared in the middle of nowhere. There was a grassy field around them on all sides, and the two of them were standing beside a railroad track.

And right beside them was a lever.

“There’s a train coming down the tracks Twilight! And there’s five ponies tied to the rails! What do we do?!” Pinkie shouted directly in Twilight’s face.

Twilight frowned. “Is this a prank? Is that what this is?”

“No! Look!” Pinkie passed Twilight a pair of binoculars she just sort of had, and Twilight took a look down the track.

Sure enough, tied to the track were five ponies, all struggling to break loose.

“Now look on the other track!” Pinkie almost screamed.

Twilight looked, and to her horror, she could see Spike all alone, tied to the other track.

“Right now, the train is on course to run over those five ponies! But if we pull that lever there, then it will change course and run over Spike! Oh Twilight, this is horrible!” Pinkie dramatically fell over.

Twilight began sweating. “Okay okay, this is fine. Pinkie, you pull the lever, I’ll fly over there and untie Spike.”

“You can’t! There’s some sort of wall of psychic energy keeping us away!”

“I’ll teleport!”

“You can’t teleport past it!”

“I’ll go stop the train then!”

“You need to pass the barrier to do that!

“I’ll make a spell to destroy the barrier!”

“There’s no time Twilight! The train will be here in 30 seconds!” Pinkie screamed.

Sure enough, Twilight could feel the rumble as the train drew nearer to the fork. She could see it now, plumes of smoke billowing from the locomotive.

Twilight was pretty much having a panic attack. She was hyperventilating and fanning her face with her wings trying to calm down. “I can do this. I can do this. I can’t do this! Pinkie, you decide!”

She turned to find Pinkie attempting to tie herself to the tracks

“Pinkie!”

A giant timer appeared in the sky, slowly counting down from ten.

“Oh no oh no oh no oh no-”

And then everything was suddenly on fire.

“I can’t!” Twilight shut her eyes and huddled up on the floor.

Suddenly everything stopped. Twilight cracked open an eye to find Princess Luna standing over her.

“Oh, this is a dream. That makes sense.” Twilight chuckled, but Luna didn’t seem nearly as amused. The field they were in slowly faded away until the two of them were alone in an endless white expanse.

“Twilight Sparkle, We are not too proud to admit that We have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Wouldst thou kindly explain the nature this nightmare?” Luna calmly asked.

Twilight then spent some time explaining the details of her thought experiment, followed by yesterday’s events, which of course had led to her current distress, and her friend’s irritation with her. Luna followed along as best she could, saving most of her questions until the end.

When Twilight’s story was finished, Luna pondered all she had heard, and asked a simple question.

“Is there any reason why We cannot stop the trolley?”

Several hours later

(in dream time, so about three minutes of real time)

“We understand now. It would seem that you owe thine friends an apology, Twilight Sparkle.”

“I know I upset them, but how is it unreasonable to say you wouldn’t let five innocent ponies die to save them?” Twilight grumbled.

“Indeed, it is only five, after all. A small price to pay. It may be difficult, but in the past, We have slain countless innocents to protect those dear to Us.”

“Wait what?”

“It was more socially acceptable at the time.”

Twilight scratched her head. “So, you’re saying I should be willing to let innocent ponies die to save my friends?”

“Yes.”

“That’s sort of messed up.”

“It is, although perhaps thou should not have breached the topic to begin with if ye were not prepared for the consequences. Also, you could have just lied. You know, to not sound like a tool.” Luna stood up and stretched. “Our work here is done! Fare thee well Twilight Sparkle!” She then turned around and walked away, eventually fading out of sight.

“I think I know how to fix this now!” Twilight exclaimed to herself, alone, within the endless expanse of her own mind.

The next day

(for real this time)

Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity and Starlight Glimmer had all received a correspondence early in the morning, requesting their presence on the train platform at 9:15. They had all arrived at relatively the same time to find Twilight Sparkle waiting there, standing in front of a curtain with a sheepish grin on her face.

“Everypony, thanks for coming here. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, and that I was wrong. I hurt all of you with what I said, and I really shouldn’t have. You all mean more to me than the entire world, and I should have made that clear. So, let me prove it to you.”

Twilight finished her introduction and turned around, pulling away the curtain to reveal that off in the distance, five ponies were tied to the railroad track. Branching off on another track, the group could see Pinkie Pie, also tied up, waving at them enthusiastically, and with a big grin on her face.

Twilight turned back to the group with an eerie smile. The five of them then suddenly became acutely aware of the broken lever beside Twilight.

“Now, at 9:20, the Friendship Express is scheduled to arrive at the station…”