Hunter Killer 141

by SoarinSoren

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 3727

One helluva merc is dropped in to kick some ass.

In the year 2255, mercenary groups are sent out to repair breaches in the space time continuim. One such merc from Griffin Legion finds himself caught in one of these "reality tears" and is quickly caught up in a web of deception. Can he use his wit and charm (with a pinch of badassery) to go back home? Probably not. Will he be able to withstand the extreme bitchiness that is Gilda? Highly unlikely. Will it be funny as hell? I'm coming up with a 32.33 repeating chance. Strap on your funny hats, shits about to get good.

Human in Equestria, written from the perspective of a non-brony badass mercenary. There will be killing, perhaps torture, but I will break it up with my usual humor. Going for a darker tone than my last fic, tell me how it goes.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-20 02:56:57 UTC

Slip of the Drive

2255, and humanity is doing great. We figrued space travel out a while ago, and have started using alternate realities to travel even faster. I can't say I really understand it, but the essence is that we "phase" out of this dimensiln and into another, and then phase back into our normal reality. Pretty genius if you ask me. Well, as long as nothing goes wrong.

When something goes wrong, they call in me. Well, they call me in for a lot of things, but that's one of them. See, a slipspace drive (the object that lets us slip in and out of these spaces, hence the name slipspace) can explode, and when it explodes it explodes violently. Even worse, it leaves reality tears. Now any sort of nasty creature from an alternate dimension can go through these. It's my job to make sure they don't, or if the do that they don't get far.

See, the United Planets of Space don't send military for that kind of stuff. So, mercenaries go instead. We guns for hire kick the interdimensional nasties back to their own hellhole of a reality. Then, we close the hole be blowing the hell out of it with a BHB. These things kick ass. Basically, they're manufactured stars on the brink of supernova, and when we activate them the cross that threshold. Suddenly, you have a helluva explosion, and then a black hole. This normally will close the rift up nice and tight.

That's my job in a nutshell. Kick some ass, and then blow shit up. Pretty badass eh? Well, that's only my day job. Here's what I do on the side.

"Shit, shit, shit, shiiiiit!" Yep. That's me. I don't know how these things work, so you may or may not be able to see the situation. I'm that really sexy guy with a bag on his back currently sliding down the side of the collapsing building. You see the one right? Tall, black hair, lightly armored? I'm supposing you do. That is me, Hunter. Proud leader of Talon Company of the Griffin Legion. I know, horrible name. But you should hear what the Hydra guys have.

See, Griffin is a little different then most merc legions. We all do mythological creatures yes, but most of them only seal up those tears. However, Griffin also does war. Right now, I just took down the capital building on the planet Harvest. It's a simple farming area, but their capital building was housing a few powerful political leaders. To be honest, I didn't really listen. Actually, listening isn't even in my job description. Talon Company are the weapons of Griffin. If you want something to go boom, or don't need a stealthy kill, we drop in guns blazing. Like I said, total badass.

Downside of being in Talon? The people are usually idiots. Take our Demo for instance. He blew up the building while we were inside. Granted, it was a good escape, but I'm pretty damn sure it killed everyone in Talon Company. Well, everyone but me, as I had jumped out the window and started sliding down the collapsing building. Thus bringing us to where we are now...

"Son of a biiiiiiitch! Reaper! Get me the hell out of here!" Reaper is our smartass pilot.

"No, I'm just gonna float around orbit and smoke a cigarette." Like I said. Smartass. Wasn't any better that I had to hear him all the time. Our headsets weren't exactly the best.

"Just hurry the hell up! I do NOT want to be a Huntercake."

"Wait. Where are the others?"

"There are no others now get me the hell out of here!" Was that selfish? No, because all the others were dead. That's what I still tell myself.

Now Reaper was the pilot because he was insane. See, if you ask a pilot to land a spaceship he'll probably go down a bit and open up the hatch to catch you. Reaper flew over me with the hatch open, then continued flying down the falling skyscraper, angling himself to make sure he didn't crash into the building. He slowed down just enough to get me in before shutting the back and flying off into space. He quickly blasted out of the atmosphere of Harvest and we were well into the next system before anyone realized someone had attacked.

Reaper walked into the back.

"I started up the slipspace drive. We should be back to the main ship in 15 minutes."

I nodded my head, content in the silence. Reaper decided to continue on though.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Did I mention Reaper is also a total idiot?

"I just lost the only family I've ever liked, and you want to me to talk about it?"

"Hey! You haven't lost all of us. I'm still here!"

I turned away from him. "I said family I liked." I walked away from him into the small area that counted as my quarters. He walked back into the cockpit and checked on the slipspace drive sequence. Not a word was said.

Now I kinda want to take that back.

_______

Sure enough, in ten minutes the slipspace engaged. It would take us five minutes to drop out of slipspace. I was going to deliver a report on how my entire company died, and I was preparing myself for one helluva reprimandation. And by prepare I mean drinking. So when the warning sirens went off, I was almost too wasted to care. Almost. I quickly rushed to the cockpit and slammed on the door. I opened it to find...oh holy hell.

Reaper had shot himself. He had carved on his chest the words "I miss them too." using his knife, which was now on the side. Oh, and more importantly, the screens were screaming "Slipspace drive overheat imminent. All personell evacuate immediately."

Those were the last things that I remembered before my ship exploded and opened a tear in reality. And to be honest, I'm impressed at what happened. I expected a reality tear to be painful. I expected a giant explosion. What actually happened was a small little boom, and then my ship was crashing. For the second time that day, I bailed. This time it was out the hatch. To some this may seem counterintuitive, but I was still wearing Talon armor. Built in jetpacks is just one of the perks of being Griffin. And then I blacked out.

_______________

I don't know how long I was out for, but when I woke up the first sight I saw was my ship. MY SHIP!!! MY BROKEN ASS SHIP HELD TOGETHER BY A HOPE AND A PRAYER!!! I'M MORE AMAZED IT TOOK THIS LONG! The wreckage was all around me. Nothing appeared salvageable besides metal. Oh, and the navi-com board. Those things could really withstand anything.

I then took a look around. There didn't seem to be any major differences between this and the human home world of Earth. The only noticeable difference was that everything was more colorful here. That's nice. I half expected to go to some hellhole that was full of demons, or worse, spiders. I definitely would have deserved it. However, I was in a forest. Tree's all around. Birds were chirping. Butterflies were eveywhere. It kinda looked like one of those Disney films. I hate Disney movies. I wish those had stopped a long time ago. So obviously, my first thought was to ruin this picture with some good ol fashioned violence. I grabbed my weapon and pulled it out infront of me, ready to fire at the nearest bird. That's when I noticed the talons.

I'll admit, I dropped the gun. And screamed a little. But you'd be scared too if your hand were suddenly claws! I had talons! Then, I started laughing. Of course I have talons! I'm in Talon company! God you wonderful bastard. You have a fantastic sense of humor. It was by this reasoning that I wasn't surprised at all when I saw my reflection in a jagged piece of metal. I was a griffin. An honest to god griffin. A griffin, from Griffin Legion. I swear God's sense of humor just cracks me up.

I was however quite surprised when the muzzle of a gun was pushed into my back. I was even more surprised to hear "You are hereby a prisoner of the Equestrian Empire. You're coming with me griffin!" I was even more surprised when I flipped the gun out of my attackers hands and spun around to see a unicorn.

Equestria? Can I Google Map that?

Y'know, some peoples reaction to a unicorn would be to fall to the ground twitching due to the impossibility. Others would be to squee at the top of their lungs. Some would laugh. I picked up my gun and attempted to shoot it in the face. Sadly, the unicorn had set up a protected shield around herself. Well, I'm pretty sure it was herself. The voice sounded female. As soon as I stopped to reload, she took back her pistol and shot my gun out of my hand. Then she grabbed my gun with magic and pointed it at me after she finished reloading it.

"Well. That failed. Badly."

"You're coming with me griffin. Celestia's gonna want to hear about this."

"Woah hold up! Who? What? Where?" The three most important questions when you've crash landed on an unknown planet. The unicorn answered back with military precision.

"Don't play dumb with me asshole. You know damn well your in Equestria."

"Equestria?" The word sounded funny to say. "Uh. Can I go over to my Navi-Com and Google Map that?" Yes, our Navi-Com uses Google Maps. Talon isn't exactly the most supplied group in Griffin.

The pony didn't even give a response. She just jabbed me with the gun and made me start walking. And walk we did! For a very, very long time. I'd like to say I spent the hours formulating an escape plan. In truth, I spent most of the time playing with my tail. It was very interesting. Sometimes it acted like it had a mind of it's own. I like my tail. Then, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I quickly took off my armor and took a look. When I did, huge wings flew out. I did a slightly girly squee. Then I got poked in the ass by my gun and continued walking. I started carving through my armor with my talons about where my wings sprouted out. When I was finally happy with it, I put the jacket back on (seriously, that's my armor. A leather jacket laced with kevlar on the inside. Like I said, not very supplied.) and was delighted to see it fit over my wings perfectly. Even better, I didn't cut the jetpack off. Should be interesting to see what I can do with that.

Heh hey jackass! Come in jackass!

Reaper? Is that you?

How'd you guess?

Your the only asshole I know.

I feel unloved.

Well, you tried to kill me you. You may have even succeeded. This could be hell. Wait, you're here. This is definitely hell!

Oh shut up. This isn't hell. i just came from there. I've been assigned to you.

Any chance I can get rid of you?

None. Unless you can guess the password.

DevilMaster666

...How'd you guess that?

I play poker with Satan on Sunday. Now I'm going to dismiss you soon, but first...why?

Why? Because I had just received a call to make your death look like an accident. Griffin was going to wipe out ALL of Talon and replace everyone. I realized they meant me as well, and decided to do the job before they got a hold of me.

Well then...I guess you saved my life. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Well it's worth nothing.

Oh right. You're an asshole. I dismiss you.

A gun jabbed me in the ass. At this point I snapped. I flipped around, grabbed my gun, slammed the butt of it into the pony's face, then flipped the gun so it was pointing at the unicorn. This is the first time I got a good look at her. She was pink, with red hair. She had a tattoo of two footprints on her ass. I'm guessing the tattoo meant what she did, so she was a scout. Good.

"Now listen up. You're going to take me to your leader, or I'm going to shoot you. I don't know what's going on, but I'm guessing this Celestia does. If you so much as breathe the wrong way I will shoot you.And you are DEFINITELY going to stop bloody poking me! Savvy?"

"What are you, a pirate?" Okay. I'll give the unicorn a point, that was funny.

"No, I'm a mercenary trained in badassery, and I now have a body with natural weapons. To be honest, I could've killed you at any point in time during this trip. Now then. Your leader"

And so our walk continued, but with me poking HER in the ass. Which was waaaay more enjoyable then her poking me.

_________

After a long amount of walking, I decided to test out my wings. And by that, I mean I flipped onto my back and started chilling while holding myself aloft with my wing. I figured out that I could use a combination of my jetpack and my wings to stay in this awesome position and continue to jab my prisoner in the ass.

"Know what? I'm just gonna rock out."

"You are insufferable. Will you stop jabbing me in the flank?"

"Bitch fuck yo couch! You jabbed me in the ass! Fair's fair!"

"Bitch fuck yo couch? What are you a colt?" I casually put a round in her leg, effectively crippling it.

"Nope, I'm your captor. Don't forget it. Now then, how much farther are we?" I ignored her screams of pain. Turns out it took a bullet to get her to drop the military act. Who'da guessed? I whacked her with my gun. "I said how much farther!"

"You shot me! In the knee! I'll never be able to be a scout again! I'll no longer get to go on scouting parties or other adventures!"

"You could always be a guard! Now then. How much farther?"

"The mountain up there. Our capitol is on the other side." Fantastic.

"Awesome. Right then. I'll get you medical attention, and meet your leader." What? I'm not a heartless bastard! I'm not just gonna let someone loose their leg. Especially not a pony! They need four of those things!

"How do you expect to do thaaaaaaaaaat!" In mid-speech I picked up the pony like a puppy and started flying towards the mountain. Once I cleared the treeline, I decided to find out what wings plus jetpack could really do.

I positioned my wings so I looked like an arrow, then activated my jetpack. With the signature Talon battle cry of "LEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIIINS" we flew at ludicrous speeds towards the mountain. Seriously, we covered at least 10 miles in ten seconds flat. Do the math. That's fast. Problem was, we couldn't really pull out. We could not stop in time. We could not pull up, and if we stayed on this course we would become a multicolored paincake. So I did the only logical thing.

I did a barrel roll.

All Hail Ra!

It was at that point that Reaper decided to make his appearance. Remember his message earlier? Here's what it says decoded.

Heh Hey jackass!

What's our current situation?

The unicorn in front of you has the ability of telepathy.

So continue the code?

Yes. Alright, I'm following along.

Code word?

DevilMaster666

Same as usual then.

Yea. I'm going to the crash site to hide what we can salvage, meet up with you soon.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

It's worth nothing.

Oh right. You're an asshole. Dismissed.

Also, by make appearance, I mean slam me into the ground at speeds of Mach 1.

"Son of a biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"

"Sorry, but there wasn't a better way."

"Oh fuck you Reaper."

"Good to see your still the same."

I cracked my neck and pulled myself off the ground. I'll admit, Reaper already looked like a badass. He had black feathers, and already had picked up a few scars. I then turned to the pony, who was still clutching her leg.

"Oh right! We have to get her up to that castle! Some queen, princess, god, ruler pony is up there. Since we already kinda fucked up first contact protocol-"

"You mean YOU fucked up first contact protocol."

"We'll need to learn what the hell is going on. So you look for a cross and drop her off there, I'll find the entrance to the giant ass castle, and we'll meet at an ice cream shop. Sound good?"

"What is it with you and ice cream?"

"Don't judge me, I didn't have a childhood. Now then. Esperanto!"

"You totally bastardized that." And with that, Reaper took the pony and flew off. I let my wings pop out to their full length before taking to the skies.

_________

4 hours later...

"What? I they had a whole bunch of murals of the sun and shit. I thought they liked the sun god Ra!"

"So you publicly shouted out 'ALL HAIL RA THE TRUE GOD OF THE SUN' right in front of the castle where the SUN goddess lives?"

"It was an honest mistake."

So now I was in a jail cell. I'll be honest, I don't like jail cells. However, either I stay in this nice little jail cell, or I most likely die. Take a guess which one I'll pick.

Luckily, a guard came to save me from boredom and Reaper's monologue.

"You two are to report to Princess Celestia. In her presence, if you make a move, I will execute you myself."

"Uh, guardsman...pony...thing. What exactly are we under arrest for?"

He put on a very bored face as he listed off the crimes. "Attempted murder-" I cut him off right there

"Hold up! I had her as a captive, much as you had me. I simply used tactics I learned to keep her restrained. As soon as we got here, I sent Reaper to bring her to the nearest medical facility, which I trust that he did. On another note, I don't 'attempt' murder." For my efforts, I recieved a glare.

"Heresy."

"That was an honest mistake. We're not from these parts. Where we are from, the sun is normally a sign of Ra. We had thought we were in the midst of Ra worshippers." Now the guard was looking up in thought, trying to find a way to condemn them.

"You're griffin."

"YOU RACIST BASTARD!" Okay, I'll admit, it was hard not to laugh at his reaction. "I COME IN HERE, HELP HEAL YOUR SOLDIER, AND TRY TO BE FRIENDLY WITH YOU AND YOU WANT TO CONVICT ME BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT? MAY YOUR SOUL BURN IN THE FIRES OF THE TARTARUS!" I heard Reaper supress a snicker. The guard was on the verge of shitting himself.

"NOW TAKE ME TO YOUR RULER! I AM IN NEED OF ANSWERS!"

To his credit, the guard tried not to look scared. He failed, but at least he tried. He calmly said "Yes. Come with me." then opened our cell. He moved at a brisk trot, leading us up stairs and into the middle of the castle. Apperently, we had been in a dungeon. How...primitive. Eventually, we reached what I assumed to be the royal throne room. Take I guess why?

An alabaster unicorn/winged pony who stood about my height was sitting in it. She wore a crown, and other regalia. Around her were multiple...ponies. That looked important. Really, that's all I got. Hey! Don't judge me, I'm Talon! We aren't exactly known for being geniuses.

"So these are the griffins that shot one of my little ponies." The voice wasn't angry, nor remorseful. I couldn't actually detect any emotion. It was simply a statement.

"Actually ma'am. HE shot one of your ponies." Aaaaand there's the asshat known as Reaper! It must be a skill to be *that* much of a dbag all the time. To my surprise, the unicorn...wingy...thing didn't even acknowledge his presence. I wish I could do that.

"However, you have redeemed yourselves by making sure she got to a medical facility. For that, I thank you." Was that...sincerity? Was she letting us off the hook?

"You have questions I hear. Now, I know you are not of this world. Sadly, I can not tell you how you got here, nor how you'll get back."

"Well, that answers one question. I have a few more though."

"Please, ask away. Know however, that I'll be requiring your assistance after you have finished." Ah! There's the twist. I can already guess what we'll be doing. Two allies disguised perfectly as the enemy? It'd be too easy.

"Alright. First up, where are we. Second off, where are your guns. Third off, why is everyone so racist? Fourth off...where are your guns? Seriously?"

"Well you see, currently we are at war with-" A giant smash interrupted our conversation as multiple feathery figures smashed through a giant sun stained glass window that was behind the throne.

"Nobody move!" One of the figures started firing small arms. Celestia ducked down behind her throne. I ran forward towards the scene of destruction. Somehow, I knew this was a rescue mission. I jumped out the window and started flying away, with Reaper hot on my heels. We hightailed it out of the airspace surrounding the mountain, dodging bolts of various elements being shot at us. The team that had busted us flew a little bit behind us. The leader caught up to me.

"Nice job getting captured dumbass. Next time, have a plan. I haven't seen you before, so I'll be bringing you before the council. Try not to fuck up dumbass."

"Can I have the pleasure of learning the name of the bitchiest griffin I've ever seen?"

"Sure dick-for-brains. Names Gilda. Don't forget it, cause next time I'll shove my claw up your ass."