It’s Almost Like We Learned Nothing the First Time
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It’s Almost Like We Learned Nothing the First Time
Twilight sipped on the straw jutting out of the lightbulb contraption cradled in her hands. “The weekly all-hands Beanis Entertainment bad ideas meeting has to be one of my favorite parts of working here,” she said as thick, wispy clouds of smoke oozed from mouth.
Sunset grunted. “I don’t understand why you kept the Beanis name after that whole fracas.” She shot a glare at Twilight, who resumed sipping on the straw. “Or why you started smoking meth.”
Another thick mass of smoke shot out of Twilight’s mouth. “I kept the Beanis name because even though the value of it plummeted after I was possessed by a being whose only purpose was legumes fused with the physical representation of my insecurities, it’s still valuated above the gross domestic product of most developed nations and I’d have to be insane to let go of that.” Another sip.
“And the meth?”
Another exhale. “I like it.” Another sip. “And it helps me focus.”
Sunset took a breath. “You do know they enslave people to make that, right?”
Another exhale. Twilight shook her head. “Not mine. Mine is artisanally crafted, homemade organic methamphetamine.”
“…how is your meth organic?” Sunset asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose and grimaced, the alien scents of chemical smoke assaulting her.
Twilight chortled as she gently placed the vaguely steampunk-accessoried lightbulb down on the table. “Because it has carbon in it, of course.”
“But then all meth would be organic.” Sunset exhaled as she felt a Twigrane coming on.
“Yes,” Twilight said as she stood up in an eerily smooth fashion, “but they don’t call it that.” She sauntered over to Sunset and offered a hand. “Shall we greet our coworkers?”
“Point made,” Sunset said as she grasped Twilight’s hand and used the leverage to stand herself up, “but you’re not selling meth.”
“You’re right!” She said as she let go of Sunset. “But I’m selling them culture, and in the culture business, presentation is everything!”
They made their way to the meeting room at which juncture she opened the door for Sunset, inviting her in. Sunset glared at her, then proceeded to slam the door shut and open it herself, casually waving to her friends and Adagio Dazzle as she entered and found her seat, silently bracing herself. Twilight followed in after, adjusting her glasses as she took her own seat, a pronounced moue decorating her face.
Applejack shuffled some papers and looked up. “Alright, since we’re all here, I’m going to take an attendance call.”
“Why do we require an attendance call if we all know we’re all here?” Adagio asked while idly filing her nails.
Pinkie slammed her hands on the table, startling no one but Gloriosa who wasn’t really used to that level of exuberance. “Paper trail, silly!” she said as she tapped the desk and lifted a finger towards Adagio. “Can’t get paid if we’re not on paper!”
Adagio looked up, then shifted her focus back to her nails. “Fair enough, I suppose.” She shot a saucy smirk at Applejack. “Present.”
“Uh, okay,” Applejack said as she blinked and shook her head. “Well, I know Pinkie’s here, and… Gloriosa?”
“Present!” she beamed, using a visual verb to depict her manner of speech.
Applejack nodded and scribbled. She then looked around and scribbled more. “Well, this is cutting into our bad idea time, so I’m going to just check y’all are here because I can see you. Lemme see, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Wallflower, Tempest, and… Chrysalis.” Applejack then scanned the room with a giddy look in her eyes. “Who’s first?”
Adagio opened her mouth, to which Sunset interjected with, “No, Adagio, we are not doing murder insurance, stop bringing it up,” to which Adagio closed her mouth. Sunset forced a smile and said, “how about we kill Adagio?”
Wallflower shook her head. “Won’t work. She offered herself up for testing during her depressive phase after the unfortunate loss of her sister, and I ran a battery of tests on her that would probably take out a moon.” Wallflower grinned as she touched her fingers to themselves, then sat bolt upright at the disbelieving glares directed at her. “N-not, uh, the Moon.” She gesticulated with a hand. “One of the smaller ones, like Phobos.”
Rainbow Dash slowly blinked. “That’s where Hell comes from.”
Adagio snickered. “What can I say? They don’t make ’em like they used to.”
A brief silence made itself present before Gloriosa spoke up. “How about we start initiatives to help the homeless get back on their feet and into stable labor conditions using evidence-based methods?”
Fluttershy raised her hand. “I, uh, uh, don’t see how that’s a bad idea.”
“If you spend any time on the internet,” Gloriosa said with a smirk, “corporations are unable to provide any benefit to humanity due to their amoral nature as entities designed to extract as much wealth as possible, so we’ll get bad press in several demographics!”
Twilight clapped her hands together. “I like it! Outside of the box thinking!” she said before she shifted her gaze around the room. “Anyone else?”
Chrysalis cradled her jaw in her hand. “What if we spike random peoples’ drinks with hallucinogenic chemicals and tie it into an ARG for our next production?”
“That’s not bad,” Sunset said as she jotted a few notes down. “I mean, it’s a terrible idea and would probably finally get us arrested, but it’s a salable idea in the current paradigm.”
“You’ve never been arrested?” Adagio murmured.
“Not all of us are degenerates,” Sunset snapped.
Tempest hummed. “I would argue that categorically we’re all degenerates except for you.”
Rainbow Dash stole a kiss from Fluttershy. “She gets that from you.”
Fluttershy stole the kiss back. “She certainly doesn’t get it from you.”
“What unusual flirting,” Twilight said as she raised an eyebrow and patted around her outfit.
Sunset glared at Twilight for a few moments. “You left your meth pipe in the other room.”
Twilight blushed, then giggled. “Oh, silly me.” She looked around the room. “Anyone else?”
Adagio opened her mouth before Sunset cut her off. “Does no one care that she’s smoking meth?”
A wave of silence assaulted her.
“Anyone?”
“Honestly,” Pinkie said as she rested her elbow on the table, “that’s one of the more normal things she’s done. Do you remember the thing with the bulldozer?”
Sunset gritted her teeth. “Yes I remember the thing with the bulldozer. I was given a land mine as compensation.”
Twilight pursed her lips and waved her finger in the air. “If my back of the envelope calculations are correct, that Pinto I gifted you had a higher yield than your standard issue landmine.”
“Not the point.” Sunset attempted to compose herself. “The point is, I did some research on this “meth” when she first told me about it, and although I respect her autonomy, I’m just afraid she’s going to end up desperate in an alleyway sucking dick or having a bunch of guys run a train on her or—”
Adagio snorted. “Twilight and I did both of those things last weekend without a hint of desperation.”
Sunset shot Adagio a glare that could collapse mountains.
“Well, maybe sexual despera—”
She was cut off by Sunset’s phone ricocheting off of her forehead as the latter stormed out of the conference room.
All present shared silent glances with each other, except Adagio, who took the phone out of her lap and looked it over. “Well, if she isn’t coming back, I’m keeping it.”
Applejack stood up, walked over to Adagio and twisted the phone out of her grip. “No you ain’t. I’mma talk to her.” She got to the door, then looked over her shoulder. “Keep going, meetin’s still on,” she said before leaving the room.
Rainbow Dash inhaled, the ghost of an idea dancing around her eyes as it formed in her skull.
“What if… what if we made dildos out of bean paste?”
The entire space inside of the room ejected any semblance of thought for an eternal moment.
“Honey,” Gloriosa said as she clasped her hands together, “you do, realize, that we just—”
“Fluttershy,” Chrysalis interjected, “what did we tell you about jerking off Rainbow during meetings?”
Fluttershy’s cheeks turned roseate as she giggled and brought both of her hands resting on the table. “S-sorry, it’s just a force of habit.”
Rainbow Dash shook the fuck cobwebs out of her head. “Why don’t we order takeout using company funds?”
“Dad, that’s a terrible idea,” Tempest said.
Gloriosa nodded as she pulled out her phone. “Oh yes, just dreadful.” She smiled and winked. “So where are we ordering from?”
Applejack looked around the complex, poking her head into doors until she found Sunset in her office, trembling and staring at the screen of her workstation. Applejack strode in and offered her her phone, which Sunset accepted and put on the table as she kept her eyes on the screen. She took one of the seats on the other side of the desk from Sunset, taking in the atmosphere of the room.
“Sunset?” Applejack asked.
“Yes?” Sunset responded listlessly as she typed out a few emails.
“This ain’t about the meth, is it?”
“No.” Sunset bit her lip. “Yes.” She fired off another email. “Maybe. Both?”
Applejack took a breath. “What d’you mean?”
Sunset exhaled deeply and leaned back in her chair. “We’ve seen this before. Twilight has a really bad idea, goes through with it, and who stops her?” She stood up. “No one.” She hurriedly paced around her office. “You know what’s going to happen? She’s going to get caught by a journalist smoking meth somewhere, and it’s going to become the next big thing.” She looked up at the ceiling and waved her hands this way and that. “Meth’s going to become the next fad diet, the next fashion style, they’ll, uh, I dunno, make microchips out of it and it’ll be faster because it’s made of meth but that’s not how electronics work until it does.” Her breathing became more ragged with each passing step. “Everyone’s going to fucking do meth because Twilight likes it and it’s the stupidest thing ever and she’ll say something dumb like ‘meth is organic’ and it’s going to launch a fucking warhead into reality and reinvent culture!”
Sunset paused as she gained control of her breathing. “And I will be there, every step of the way supporting my friend even though the entire thing is goddamned insane until I can’t handle it anymore and leave.” Sunset exhaled. “But then no one will rein her in and fucking Midnight Sparkle will come out and do some bullshit like fuse with methamphetamine and it’ll summon some dumb astral being that hides within the gaps in existence and it’ll call itself something like Methseid and it’ll rob free will from everyone until their souls are intertwined with Twilight—Twilight herself, not Twilight’s soul—and then we’ll have to do something equally dumb to stop her like I don’t know sing and I don’t know if I can take it again.”
Sunset looked at Applejack, gleams forming in her eyes. “I have been here before and I don’t know if I can handle where it goes.” She sniffed. “I cannot leave her and I cannot stay with her.” She stomped over behind her desk and sat down, arms crossed and a pensive gaze. “I very briefly considered suicide but I don’t want to give Adagio the satisfaction.”
Applejack looked at Sunset for a good minute, her shivering form and erratic sniffles alien to the former farmhand’s perception of her.
“Ya know,” Applejack said, “that has got to be the pettiest reason to not kill yourself I ever heard.”
A chuckle escaped from Sunset’s mouth. “I know, right? An easy out but I can’t do it because I just fucking hate that pompus bitch so much.”
“Yeah, well you ain’t alone.” Applejack crossed her legs. “I was right there with you, watching the whole thing go down.” She chortled. “Even got to pilot a giant robot.”
Sunset smirked. “Yeah, that was pretty awesome.”
“Even got to work on some unique bean cultivars.” Applejack whistled. “Still making bank on those.”
“I even sorted out my sexuality, which has taken a weight off of me.” Sunset pursed her lips. “I see what you’re saying.” Sunset sat up and started typing again. “It wasn’t all bad.” She moved her mouse and clicked. “But you are aware that literally everything that I said has a very real chance of happening.”
Applejack nodded. “Mhm.” She pursed her lips. “You know what? I got a bad idea.”
“Lay it on me.”
“You do know that Adagio was being honest about the fuck party her and Twilight had.”
Sunset’s typing slowed. “… what are you suggesting?”
“You could try asking her for help.”
“I would rather set myself on fire.”
Applejack reached into her pocket. “Y’know, I got a lighter right here.”
Sunset swiftly stood up. “I’ll think about it.” She looked at Applejack. “You wanna see what terrible ideas they came up with?”
“Absolutely,” Applejack said as she herself stood up, the both of them heading back to the conference room where they were greeted by a veritable feast sprawled out on the table.
“What’s this?” Sunset asked as she sat down.
Chrysalis pointed at Rainbow Dash with her chopsticks before navigating a morsel of chicken into her mouth. “Her idea.” Chrysalis swallowed. “Company funds.” She held out a container, which Sunset grabbed and looked inside.
“Oh, beef and broccoli, my favorite!” Sunset grabbed a pair of chopsticks and extracted the top from her meal before a white sack landed by her. She blinked in confusion before an eternally sultry voice piped up.
“Egg roll,” Adagio said as she worked out something long from her to go box. “Saved it for you.” She side-eyed Twilight before taking a bite out of her food. “Under extreme duress.”
Sunset looked between Adagio and Twilight as she picked up a chunk of broccoli and placed it into her mouth. Maybe this angle isn’t so bad at all.
“You know,” Twilight said as she drank her soup from the container like an animal, “Adagio ordered frog casserole and pig intestines. I think that’s really brave.”
Sunset felt something come up from her stomach before she grabbed an errant can of soda and chugged it to keep that something down.
