The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree
The sun beat down hard upon Sweet Apple Acres as Applejack hoisted several bushels of apples into the wagon.
It seemed like just a moment ago she’d woken at the crow of the cockerel and shaken Apple Bloom and Babs from their restful slumber, marching both fillies down the stairs while they begged for just five more minutes of sleep.
Now, the afternoon was all but over and Applejack would have to leave post haste if she wanted to get to Appaloosa before sundown.
The days flashed by when they were filled with hard work, she often found, and with her niece there to triple the workforce they’d already cleared all of the East Orchard and a third of the South.
Two hours had also been spent searching the house for Applejack’s trusty lasso—she’d lost sight of it the day before. None of them were able to find it, though.
But Applejack was fair as well as firm. Bloom and Babs were let free for the rest of the day, with her and Big Mac hauling the delivery off themselves.
Babs had arrived just a couple days ago, turning up at Ponyville station out of the blue with a note from her Mom asking if Applejack could “get her out of her hair” for a weekend.
For Apple Bloom, this was a wonderful surprise. While her and Babs’ first encounter had been a little… rocky, they’d more than patched up since then.
But despite that, Apple Bloom did notice something off about her cousin the past two days. It was subtle; blink-and-you’ll-miss it, but she'd been acting strange. Every now and then she’d shove Bloom a little harder than expected, glare at her when she thought she wasn’t looking, and even seemed to giggle at her behind her back. As soon as Apple Bloom glared at her she shut up, of course, acting like there was nothing going on.
Of course all of this had to be her a imagination, right? Babs had always been a strange filly, after all. It was probably all part of her bizarre big city personality.
Apple Bloom pigeonholed those suspicions about her cousin for now, but little did she know she was about to find out she was right to be so wary.
Bloom and Babs waved the older Apples off, watching the wagon lurch and bounce over the dirt track as it dwindled into the distance.
“Phew! I tell ya, I’m bushed!” Apple Bloom flicked her sweaty brow before collapsing into the shade of an apple tree.
“Watcha wanna do, Babs? I was thinkin’ we could go get some candy from Sugarcube Corner and…”
But something was off about Babs. The instant Applejack and Big Mac were well out of view, her grin and her brightness just vanished. Now she was smirking down at Apple Bloom with a thoroughly vicious aura.
“Cut da bullcrap!” She barked.
“Huh?”
“We’re gonna have some fun alright, but it ain’t gonna be the namby-pamby kind you wuz expectin’!”
Her voice, too, was far meaner than it had been all weekend. Babs snickered at her cousin and dipped her snout into her saddlebag.
What she pulled out, clenched between her teeth was… Applejack’s lasso? So that’s where it had gotten to!
She whirled it above her head and flung the loop at her cousin with an accuracy that suggested she’d been practicing.
Apple Bloom, of course, couldn’t possibly have seen this coming. Before she knew what was what the rope coiled around her limbs and pulled them tight.
She’d been trussed up like a prize Turkey! Even her ample earth pony strength was no match for the binds of the coarse rope. She turned her head up to her cousin with a startled, “Babs! What the hay!?”
And Babs was already over her, sneering down at the filly like she was trying to cut her with her glare.
“Shut ya piehole or I’ll shuddit for yaz!” She cracked. Apple Bloom held her tongue.
“It’s like I said, cuz, we’re gonna have some fun! Some good ol’ fashioned horseplay!”
Well, that really didn’t clarify much for Apple Bloom. The filly struggled against her ropes another time before deciding it was futile.
Babs Seed lowered her head to the level of her cousin’s. Bloom could feel her breath rolling across her face as she spoke:
“It’s pretty simple, Apple Bloom. I don’t like ya. I don’t like the way ya walk, the way ya talk… shoot! Ya whole family’s a pain in the plot!”
“H-Hey! Don’t talk about mah family like-“
“Shuddup! Geez! I’ve been puttin’ up with ya nasty hick voice all weekend and it’s drivin’ me up da wall! Y’know I never forgot about dat time you sabotaged my float. Humiliated me in front of the entire town! Us city ponies don’t forget easy…”
Babs’ chilling tone (and horrid breath) had Apple Bloom visibly shaking. What was she going to do? Beat her up? Give her a wet willie?
As she’d soon find out, what Babs did have in store was a sight worse than that.
The bully withdrew, standing tall above her cousin for just a moment before slowly turning around. Apple Bloom was forced to stare up at her cousin’s flanks; the freckled buns were soaking as a result of the cruel summer heat. She lifted her tail and sweat droplets showered the dirt below.
As she looked closer she could even see… flies hovering about the plump orange patootie. Now she thought on it, Babs hadn’t showered or bathed once since her arrival. Bloom had just chalked it up to her being nervous away from home, but now she knew it was all very deliberate.
But there was something else. Not something she could see, but something she could hear. A low groan; a rumbling that lasted only a couple seconds before it was gone. It was Babs’ stomach.
“Sheesh, dat garbage you call food in this hayseed town ain’t sittin’ well! You only got yaself to blame for dis one, cuz…”
Babs clenched her eyes shut, and at first Apple Bloom wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing.
When she cocked a leg and flipped up her tail it all became clear, as the hefty filly let loose a vile, crackling fart that was loud enough to echo around the orchard.
PPFFRRTTTKKLE
“Ahhh! I’d say excuse me but it ain’t like you yokels care about manners anyways!”
Apple Bloom was no stranger to flatulence, of course. Her and Applejack had always had a “better out than in” mindset, but with Babs it was different. Already over the past couple of days she’d been burping and farting at any given opportunity, whether it was incredibly rude or not, and the one takeaway Apple Bloom had was that Babs’ farts STUNK.
She had only smelled them once, when she’d tried to shake Babs out of bed one morning only to receive a faceful of hot filly fart for her troubles. That one encounter was enough to give her a deep-rooted fear of anything that came out of her cousin’s tush.
Apple Bloom held her breath and waited for the wind to carry the stench away. Fortunately the winds were high and she didn’t need to endure a single whiff of it.
However, avoiding Babs Seed’s butt was about to get a whole lot harder. The filly suspended her rear above Apple Bloom, giving it a wiggle and watching through her legs as the droplets of spicy sweat landed on her face.
“Watch out below!” Babs snickered, and then she sat right down on her cousin.
And it wasn’t a careful, graceful, respectful sit either. She threw herself up in the air, just so that gravity could provide an extra wallop when her rump finally came down upon Apple Bloom’s defenseless body.
That impact was hard enough that Babs could swear she heard something crack. She had always been a bit of a chunky filly, and as Bloom was now finding out, she was heavy too. Very, very heavy.
It was like having a whole sack full of apples pressing her into the dirt. She'd give Bulk Biceps a run for his money. Apple Bloom winced and tried to throw Babs off with a buck, but she stayed put.
“Ahh! You’re a real comfy seat, cuz!” Babs twisted her ripe butt into Bloom’s back, drenching her coat with a grind of plentiful sweat. “Maybe dats what ya special talent is all along!”
Roused by the excitement, her stomach gurgled and she loosed another rumbling rip over her cousin’s back. Apple Bloom could feel it shaking her insides like a massage chair.
“N’aaah! Ain’t dis da life?”
This time it wasn’t so easy to avoid the scent of Babsfart that promptly washed over Apple Bloom’s face. She just had to lie there and take it. Her eyes were already watering after the first sniff of the caustic fumes.
She’d be under here all night. Or at least until Applejack returned from her delivery. Apple Bloom was just coming to terms with her new role as buttstool when Babs stood up off her again.
Huh? Could the torment be over so quickly?
She turned onto her back and gazed up at Babs, her face muddy and grass-stained. The sly smile on Babs’ face told her this was far from over, though.
Oh no, it was about to get even worse.
“Hey!” Babs called off to the side, “I got her right where we want her!”
There came a rustle from the shrubbery to Apple Bloom’s left, and out stepped the one pony she REALLY didn’t want to see right now.
Diamond Tiara.
The filly spat out a twig and shook another out of her mane.
“Ugh! This had better be worth it, I was in that disgusting bush for an hour!”
As soon as she saw Apple Bloom all wrapped up like a Hearth’s Warming present, a sinister smile gathered on her face like an impending storm. It was worth it indeed.
“Hey! You told me to tie her up, an’ dats exactly what I did! Now, you ready to watch da show or not? I already gotta fart again!”
Diamond Tiara winced at the very mention of the word.
“Yes, yes, go ahead! But I’m going to keep my distance, this place already smells bad enough as it is!”
“D-Diamond Tiara! You an’ Babs… together? Why, you little-“
WHUMP!
Babs silenced her cuz by dropping that heavy duty filly booty right onto her face.
“Dats enough outta you!”
It was absolutely atrocious under there. Warm, muggy… Apple Bloom wasn’t able to react fast enough to prevent a mouthful of grimy sweat entering her lips and branding her tastebuds.
She yelped and wriggled in protest, but Babs’ big round butt absorbed every last one of her screams.
“G-Go on, then! Break wind on her! C-Cut one loose!”
Babs nodded to Diamond Tiara and pushed as hard as she could.
After just a second of anticipation she pounded the poor filly’s face with a quick, muddy bomb. The wretched gas was forced into her tiny nostrils and down her throat, ripe with the stench of eggs and bacon with an undercurrent of pure gasoline.
Bloom’s struggles increased tenfold, but Babs swiftly smothered them with another ripple from her tush.
“Ahh! Eat dat, ya good-fa-nuffin rube!”
Diamond Tiara would have given the display a round of applause if she didn’t have one hoof pressed to her snoot.
“Oh, that’s revolting… I love it! Just what the little bumpkin needs, wouldn’t you say?”
“Hah! A taste of my big city additood!”
She bent forward and let rip again. It was almost impressive how much this filly had in the tank.
To keep her butt occupied during the downtime, Babs just shifted herself left to right, squishing and squeezing Apple Bloom’s face between her chubby cheeks. Her chubby, sweaty, cheeks.
Apple Bloom could hardly decide if the sweat was that much better than the farts. It soaked every inch of her face, and if she didn’t keep her lips pursed tight it’d infiltrate her mouth, too.
The worst part of it all though wasn’t even the fact that her schoolyard bully was watching the entire humiliating display. It was that up until five minutes ago she genuinely believed Babs had changed. The two had been laughing together, staying up late, telling ghost stories and playing truth or dare. If Babs had been faking all of that, she was nothing short of evil.
“Alright, lemme give ya some air, hillbilly.” Babs let her ass up, but not before muddying any potential fresh air with another booming blast.
Both Babs and Diamond loomed over Apple Bloom, those horrendous grins still pasted to their faces.
“Eugh! She really does smell like she was raised in a barn!”
“Yeah, and she stunk dat bad even before I farted on her dumb little face!”
“So… what do ya wanna do next? Ooh! Maybe you could make her kiss your butt! How about it, blankflank?”
“Oh!” Babs exclaimed, “I got it!” She ushered Diamond Tiara out of Bloom’s earshot and huddled in close. All Apple Bloom could hear was whispering and giggling. Whatever they were scheming up couldn’t be good.
But as she rolled over onto her side, resigned to lay there like a sad sack and buffet more bully poots, she noticed something. The ropes around her hooves were a little looser now. She jostled them and, sure enough, they slipped free!
Babs and Diamond Tiara were too busy plotting to notice. Apple Bloom leapt to her hooves, blew a raspberry at the two fillies and then ran for the hills.
However… she barely got as far as the carrot patch before a pile of mud slipped underhoof and threw her into the air. She spun around a whole 360 degrees before landing in the soil with a SPLUT! When she opened her eyes again, Babs and Diamond Tiara were glaring down at her.
“And just where do ya think you’re goin’, ya dumb mook?”
“My my, you’re quite nimble on those hooves, blankflank! Shame that you’re too stupid to look where you’re putting ‘em!”
Without a word Babs flipped her fanny around and forced Apple Bloom’s bow back with a violently powerful gust. It put even Big Mac’s blasters to shame, and the smell ensured she didn't have the strength to try and escape again. This time that hint of gasoline was overwhelming, mingling with the rotten meatiness and sulfur to absolutely pulverize Apple Bloom's senses. Diamond Tiara looked less than impressed to be in the vicinity of such a raunchy rip, but nonetheless pleased to see Apple Bloom wince in response to it.
The plump filly groaned and wiggled her soggy plot in Bloom's face, just to taunt her, before once again landing it right on her stomach, knocking the wind out of her. She wasn't going anywhere.
"Y'all ain't gonna get away with this!" Apple Bloom yelled as she beat against the mud. At this point what did she even have to lose? "As soon as Applejack gets back you two are gonna be in big trouble!"
Babs and Diamond just scoffed. "Yeah, I don't think so, cuz. You try and snitch on me and I'll tell Applejack it was youze who was pickin' on us! Two against one, who ya think she's gonna believe?"
"And I might just have to have a little word with my daddy." Diamond Tiara added, "Wouldn't it be such a shame if he decided to stop buying apples from your crummy old farm? He's one of your biggest customers, right?"
Apple Bloom slowly shrunk back into herself.
The two bullies relished in their superiority and guffawed, quite proud of their handiwork. Both were silently trying to decide on how best to mete out their punishment next. There was so much on offer. A multitude of ways they could humiliate the hell out of this backwards little hayseed.
But a light suddenly flicked on in Babs's head and a broad smile spread across her lips. Diamond Tiara must have noticed this because she started to grin too.
"Ooh! I know that look! You got an idea, Babs?"
"Sure do. Dis one's real steamy too!" She jiggled her butt on Bloom's belly.
"Well don't leave me waiting! What is it?"
Babs swivelled around on her makeshift seat and pointed a hoof at Diamond Tiara. "You're gonna toot on 'er!"
For the first time that afternoon Apple Bloom wasn't the one looking the most mortified. Diamond Tiara scowled as if Babs had just insulted her mother.
"M-Me!? I hope you're joking."
"Naw, I'm dead serious. I'm tellin ya, it's fun! An' what's more humiliatin' than gettin' beefed on by yah worst enemy?"
The outrage in Diamond Tiara's face abated somewhat. It looked like she was actually considering it.
"B-But I don't... do that! I'm not a peasant like you two!"
A weaker filly might have taken offence to that. Babs just brushed it off with a snicker. "Sure ya do. Everypony farts! Even Princess Celestia, for pony's sake!"
Well now that HAD to be a lie, but Diamond Tiara couldn't deny there was a certain vulgar allure to passing gas right in Apple Bloom's face. Her face flushed deep red. She turned her gaze to the side but eked out,
"Alright. You get her in position and I'll try."
"Alright! Miss Prissy Pants finally gonna have some fun!"
Babs threw herself on top of her cousin and started to wrestle her. With her heft and body weight Bloom didn't stand a chance. The fatter cousin pulled her body through the wet bud, getting plenty of it on her coat at the same time, and threw her over onto her front, both hooves wrapped around her head to force it outwards. Every one of her movements was just a little bit too rough, prodding and poking Apple Bloom and likely bruising a couple ribs in the process.
In this new position Bloom's face was on offer for Diamond Tiara to do whatever she wanted, and Babs had such a tight hold on her body that she could barley even wiggle.
"Ugh. Babs, that hurts!"
"Shut ya face!"
Diamond Tiara swaggered over, doing her best to avoid getting muddy hooves. She glared down at poor Apple Bloom and scoffed before turning to introduce her soft, well-manicured tush to her face.
She got it in close enough that Bloom could already smell it. The worst part of all this was her plot actually smelled incredible. Like coconut enriched with fresh raspberries. Clearly she used only the finest shampoos and took great care when washing her coat. It was almost a shame that she was about to mar that delectable scent with something so beastly.
"Um, I think I'm having second thoughts..."
“C’mon! It feels great, let ‘er rip!”
“Hmph. Fine, but nopony hears about this. Ever. Understood?”
“You got my word! And if Apple Bloom here says a word to anypony I'll load up on hoagies and gas her to kingdom come!"
Diamond Tiara started shaking, summoning every bit of force into her bowels. All she could manage was a short, airy squeak that Apple Bloom could barely feel against her face.
What it lacked in gravitas, though, was outweighed by the smell.
Diamond Tiara’s flatus was a whole different beast. It was like a compost heap covered in mouldy camambert and rotten fruit that had been left to ferment in the sun for a week. It was so rotten that even Babs was having a hard time with it.
“Geez Louise, Mack! I swear, it’s always the snooty broads who got the stinkiest farts!”
“H-Haah, how was that?”
“Perfectly rank! C’mon, give her one more!”
Diamond Tiara barely had to squeeze this time to douse Apple Bloom’s face with a sharp hiss. That hellish odor poisoned her nostrils yet again, it was enough that she actually retched and fought against Babs’ grip.
The stench hung around them in an acrid cloud. Diamond Tiara caught wind of it and stifled a gag herself. As uncouth as it was, she couldn’t deny that she was a little proud of raising such a stink all by herself.
“Th-There! Now do you understand how worthless you are, blankflank? You’re so low that you’re only good enough to sniff my stinky f…”
She trailed off. She couldn’t say that word, her upbringing simply forbade it.
Babs cocked a brow as if to call her a wuss, and she cleared her throat and boldly said “My farts! That’s right! I said it! Fart fart fart! Oh! If mother found out she’d ground me for a week!”
“Ayy, dass more like it! I’ll make a city slicker outta you yet!”
Diamond Tiara struck an elegant pose and squeezed off a rasping torrent of vile wind. Apple Bloom's eyes were watering from the exposure. Even Babs had crinkled her nose, turning her head away to avoid it as best she could.
"Wowzers! Dat's toxic!" She had to pull one hoof away from Bloom's neck to waft it in front of her face.
Diamond Tiara giggled with sick glee, "It is, isn't it? How's it feel, Apple Bloom, knowing that even my FARTS stink worse than yours! I truly am superior in every conceivable way!"
"Well, 'side from noticin' when there's two ponies standing right behind you."
Diamond and Babs froze at the mystery voice.
Both snapped around to see Applejack and Big Macintosh staring down at the display before them.
"Gulp."
"A-Applejack! Big Mac! Whadda pleasant surprise! You see, this ain't what it looks like! We was just playin'!"
Applejack raised a brow.
"Well, if you two fillies like farts so much, I think me and Big Mac here can cook up a punishment that you'll find real funny."
"Eyup."
"Matter of fact, I think we'll have to rain check our delivery 'till tomorrow. My tummy's actin' up somethin' powerful. Yours too?"
"Eyup."
"And I had a whole bushel of bean stew for dinner last night. I reckon this ain't gonna be pretty."
Diamond Tiara looked at Babs. Babs looked at Diamond Tiara. They let Apple Bloom slip free and instead hugged each other. Apple Bloom leapt out from under her cousin's grasp to join her older siblings.
"Phew! Can I help? Babs sittin' on my belly like that's got me gassier than a hot air balloon too!"
The three members of the apple family encircled the two bullies, who now had very little to say. They huddled close and both gulped down a breath of fresh air, while they still had the chance.
