Communications Breakdown?
AU: Please just assume Yona and her classmates wait until they're at least eighteen years old to attend the School of Friendship, ok? (Logically, the School of Friendship should be a special post-secondary institution creatures attend AFTER they've already learned a standard school curriculum.) Also, Cozy Glow never existed.
On the lawn in front of Ponyville's School of Friendship, two creatures talked.
"You have to understand," a greenish, nondescript earth pony said. "It's not that I don't like you. You're the sweetest girl I've ever met. It's just that...a relationship needs good communication, to really work. And that's something we don't quite have."
"What that mean?" Yona asked, shaking her horns. "Yona talk fine. Yona get A plus in speech class."
The pony grimaced. "You do know speech class is graded on a special curve, right?"
"What curve?"
The pony dug gently at the ground with one hoof. "That means...when they hand out grades, they take into account that yaks can't really talk Ponish very well. So they...make allowances."
"Sandbar call Yona stupid? Yona NOT stupid! Yona smart!"
"Um...I'm sure that's true. And I wish you the best of luck finding another very smart yak to be your special somecreature."
Tears welled in Yona's eyes. "This what called breakup?"
Sandbar sighed. "Yes. This is what ponies call a breakup. I'm so sorry, Yona."
Yona raised her face skywards, and wailed. "Yona sad. Yona so sad, maybe never happy enough to smash ever again!" She curled up into a little...ok, maybe a rather large ball, but she seemed a bit smaller than her usual exuberantly happy self.
"I'm so sorry, Yona. But the sooner we part, the sooner we'll get over it." Sandbar turned and walked away, sniffling.
Behind Sandbar, a large ball of shaggy fur shuffled into the Friendship School's ground floor lounge, hopped up onto a large couch, and cried.
***
"Yona," a pale purple unicorn mare said. "Are you ok?"
The yak's shoulder shook with heaving sobs. "Yona fine. Is pony blind?"
"I'm so glad! SOME of our foreign exchange students never master sarcasm. At least not in Ponish."
"Go smash yourself, Starlight."
"Excellent Ponish grammar!" Starlight patted Yona's shoulder. "You're such a great student."
Yona uncurled enough to look Starlight in the face. "Starlight not helping. Yona want better counselor."
"Um...I don't know what to say."
"Yona suppose Starlight's USUAL level of competence, not know what say."
"If there's anything I can do to help you--"
"Yona have idea. Twilight Sparkle very smart. Maybe SMART pony help solve problem."
"Eh-heh. Well. I can't tell you NOT to ask her. She's a busy pony, but maybe she can make time for you."
"Yona thank. Goodbye." The yak uncurled further, hopped off the couch, and shuffled towards Princess Twilight's office.
***
Waiting in the headmare's office, the yak got up from a chair. "Wait boring. Nothing interesting to do?" She accidentally brushed against Twilight's desk, and a thick folder fell to the floor, spilling papers all over.
"Oops. Yona pick up, make tidy." As Yona picked up the mess she'd made, she noticed the phrase "Beanis Brand Information Injector." A little more reading revealed technical specifications about data transfer speeds and direct information transfer between intelligent creatures and wearable, body-insertable all-vegan bean-based technology.
The yak forgot her manners, and studied the documents eagerly.
Soon she knew what she had to do.
***
In front of a high school in another world, a large stone pedestal glowed. A shaggy-looking thing rolled out across the lawn. The creature lifted a forelimb in front of her own face. "Huh," she said. "Yona guess Portal not designed to change yak."
A shaggy alien creature the size of a Volkswagen bug strolled down the sidewalk, heading towards the seedier part of the city.
***
Early the next morning, a yak strolled out of an interdimensional portal in the basement of Princess Twilight's castle, whistling cheerfully.
"You!" Starlight said as the yak strolled though the castle's kitchen. "What are you DOING here?"
"Yona got lost. What your excuse?"
"I LIVE here."
"Yona live in Ponyville too! Until end of term."
Starlight shook her head. "I don't have time to properly scold you right now. Maybe after my third cup of coffee. But for now, get out of here, and go to the School of Friendship."
"That where Yona go anyway!"
"Great. Now get out of here."
***
Yona looked fondly at Sandbar. Her tongue darted out of her mouth and licked creamy white goo off her upper lip. "Yona like whip cream!" She took another sip of her hot chocolate. "Whip taste good." She eyed the greenish pony hopefully. "Sandbar like eat whip cream with Yona? Maybe smear cream on Yona? Yak fur make anything taste better!"
"No. We broke up, and that's final. I shouldn't have even let you into my room."
Yona sniffled. "But Sandbar best boyfriend Yona ever have."
"And that's another thing!" Sandbar said indignantly.
"Yona hurt Sandbar feelings? Yona sorry." The yak sniffled again.
"I was never your boyfriend!" Sandbar shouted.
"Never?" Yona reached up to wipe her eyes. "Never ever? Yona was fool. Yona feel so stupid."
Sandbar said, "You aren't a fool. So many people assume I'm a good-looking, sensitive young stallion who likes girls. But the truth is, I'm a flat-chested lesbian futa."
"What that mean? What difference that make? Sandbar is Sandbar."
Sandbar blushed. "Two differences. 'Futa' sounds kinkier than 'I have a really big clit,' and sounding extra naughty can be fun. But the other difference isn't so much fun. Some colts used to taunt me by saying I had a cock but no balls."
"Some colts say stupid things."
"But those colts who taunted me weren't wrong. I really don't have any balls."
"Why anycreature care? Sandbar is good Sandbar."
"Without balls, I can't spurt giant ropes of creamy, salty cum like in clopfics. Some ponies get disappointed."
"No problem. Now Yona have enough creamy salty cumspurt for both of us to have good time. Yona want show you something." Yona stood up on her hind legs, and used her front hooves to part the long, shaggy fur hanging down from her lower belly.
"That...what IS that? I didn't know you even had that."
Yona smiled proudly. "Yona did not have, before. Yona go on quest, find way to satisfy Sandbar. Now Yona communicate better."
Sandbar's mouth twisted up wryly. "I'm sure you're great in bed, Yona, but when I was talking about communication yesterday, that isn't what I meant."
"Yona show you. Yona teach good!" The yak grabbed Sandbar's shoulders and pulled the pony's face towards her crotch. "Open wide, Sandbar!"
Sandbar sighed. "Who told you I liked taking strapons in my mouth, anyway?"
"Nocreature TELL Yona. Yona smart, pay attention, good guesser. Yona see how Sandbar like to eat carrot dogs, put mustard on and lick it off over and over."
Sandbar sighed again. "Well, I guess just ONCE couldn't hurt." The pony's mouth opened. A long, supple tongue stuck out, and delicately licked the object strapped onto Yona's body, which was a harness-mounted piece of communications hardware that in no way counted as a sexual organ. It wasn't like Yona even HAD a real penis.
"It's ok," Sandbar said. "It isn't really straight, if my big, meaty futashaft doesn't touch another genuine futashaft."
"Less talk, more data interchange protocol! And make sure swallow!"
***
Sandbar lay back against the couch's backrest. "Wow! That was really amazing."
Beside Sandbar, Yona stroked Sandbar's short chest fluff. "Yona liked too."
Light seemed to flash in Sandbar's vision. "What was that?"
Yona patted Sandbar's belly. "Sandbar's tummy full of good stuff. Now the magic happen."
"What magic?"
"No worry. It what Sandbar wanted. Better communication."
Sandbar's eyes flashed brighly enough that Yona could see the light. "What's happening to me?"
"It ok. Over in seconds."
A flood of information seemed to flow from Sandbar's stomach into the pony's brain. "Whoa!" Sandbar said. "I can see so much. A whole village on fire, on the shoulder of Orion Mountain. Seashells crunching underhoof in the dark, while yaks sing 'O Smashingbaum' in eleven-part harmony. All those moments...preserved in time, like I was there myself. And I guess you really like rain, too. And you're so good at math, and so many other things..."
Yona patted Sandbar's head. "Now Sandy understand. So much in yak brain. Yona very smart yak."
Sandbar's lips pursed. "Yona, you are a very smart creature. But this still doesn't bridge the gap between us. The difference is still too great."
"What wrong, Sandbar?"
"Geniuses intimidate the buck out of me. I've always been afraid that when I talked, really smart girls were ignoring most of what I said, wondering when I would shut up. And now...now I know what that's really like, from the other end." Sandbar's hooves covered the pony's face. "Now I know I've bored you to tears so many times, with my vacuous remarks and tedious coltsplaining. How can I ever forgive myself?"
"Sandbar smarter now. Sandbar can do better!"
"No, I can see the truth all too well. I know more now than I did earlier this morning...but I don't have the brains to think of anything smart on my own. My conversation will STILL be vacuous. The best I could do is repeat what I've read from your mind, things you already know, ideas you already have. And that isn't good enough."
Yona gripped Sandbar with one foreleg. "But Sandbar so pretty! Yona like watching Sandbar's mouth move. Words don't matter."
"No." Sandbar's head shook. "No, my pride won't let me be just a pretty face. A himbo who isn't even a him. Goodbye, Yona." Sandbar jumped up and ran out of the room, stopping only to open and slam the door.
Yona sighed. "If Yona so smart, why Yona can't solve love problems?" She eyed the door longingly. "But Sandbar right, Sandbar stupid. Sandbar stupid enough to storm angry out of own room, leave Yona inside."
A few minutes later, somecreature knocked on the door. A very purple-sounding voice said, "A little bird told me there's a genius in here looking for a smarter-sex girlfriend! I just revised the Friendship School's sexual harassment policy to recognize that the power differential between a princess and almost anycreature else is so great, whether the princess is or isn't a school administrator hardly even matters!"
Yona shouted, "Yona on rebound. Go away!"
"Is it ok if I try later?"
"No call Yona. Yona call you!"
"Ok. But please don't just shut me out forever. I really think we could make a great couple, if you'll give me a chance."
"Fine. Maybe Yona give chance, LATER."
"Thank you! You won't be sorry!" Adorable-sounding purple hooves trotted away down the hall.
Yona sighed again. "Not today. But maybe someday. Maybe someday, Yona ready to give love another chance."
