BOOKS
Everypony has their thirty seconds eventually... I'm just here to make it come faster.
Hello, my little muses. My name is Author Tempus. This is my confession. If you are reading this, I am either in court or at the gallows. If Celestia has mercy on me, I will hopefully be at the gallows...
I am but a mere biographer. I write the stories of a pony's life. Not famous ponies, mind you. I write about ponies who are... Bad. Very bad. So bad -it makes me sick and they need to die-.
Ahem. Sorry about that. My work is a... Touchy subject for me... And I think my editor is looking to replace me.
But he would never do that. I know it. I'm the best reaper-- Er, biographer... On the force. It WAS my talent, after all.
See, when I was younger, my mother -that dirty cheating whore- went out with a friend. It turns out that she was sleeping with him. My father found out. He was devastated. They needed to pay. So I killed them. It was easy, really. But I felt guilty... So very guilty...
So I wrote the story of their life on their hides. I cannot tell you how much better I felt after that. It felt... Justified. It made me feel happy, knowing the story of my mother and her lover would live on.
Although I still told nopony about it, in fear they would think me insane. -I'm not insane, I'm really not.-
The next day... Just one day later... My father slept with another mare. He was just as bad as my mother -and he needed to die.- I did to him and his lover what I did to my mother and hers. It felt good. I knew that this was what I was destined to do. I got my cutie mark the next day. I woke up with it.
A hooded pony walked up to me. They handed me a note and disappeared. I think it may have been the editor himself... But, I digress.
As it turns out, somepony liked my work. But why wouldn't they? I also discovered I wasn't the only one who did this. But I was the first to have it as their special talent. This was a letter to hire me. I was going to be payed to do what I liked the most. I was never happier in my life. And that was the happiest I was ever going to get.
Of course, as a young colt I wasn't old enough yet. So my mentor, a pegasus named Raindrop Skylight, took me under his wing and taught me the basics of the job. -He was a terrible pony and I hated him and he needed to die-, it was under him that I perfected my form. And I caught him. He killed a pony who didn't deserve it. -How was I supposed to know I would end up like him???- I disposed of him quickly. His biography wasn't a good one. He had a bad history. Those are the ones the most fun to write... All the bad. It makes me feel justified. That's always a good feeling.
My editor took notice. I was getting full jobs now. Imagine, me, a simple freelance biographer getting commissions. It was a dream come true.
-This really hurts, you know...-
By Luna, it was enthralling! Stalking a pony to judge their character... I felt like the hand of Death.
And I was, to be quite frank.
My very first commission was for a unicorn named Starlight Red. It was an honor, really. Red was one of my closest friends. I would have been more than happy to do a biography for free. Getting paid was a bonus.
I got to following her. It wasn't hard to stay hidden. She is completely oblivious to her surroundings. So clueless and frail -and I miss her so...-
I did catch her. She was gambling. That was bad. I had my pencil ready. I walked up to her, slowly so she wouldn't hear me. It shouldn't have mattered anyway. But she turned around. She saw me. My pencil was in my mouth.
"Oh, hey Author! What are you doing here?" Red asked -in her sweet and innocent voice-.
I had to kill her. She saw me. I panicked.
Without a word, I took the pencil in my hoof and lunged at her. I was aiming for the neck, but she moved...
I scraped her eye. The blood poured out and pooled on the floor beneath her.
"A-Author... Wh-Why...?"
I hesitated. I shouldn't have... I showed weakness.
But I got her. Right in the neck. She stopped moving, the pencil still there.
I shoved the lifeless body into a bag. My cleanup crew would take care of the blood. I brought her to my home, to my basement. I took out my knife. There was still a lot to be done. I still had to write her biography.
I bore the knife into her flesh. The smell of the blood... I hadn't noticed it before. It was intoxicating.
I shook my head. I couldn't be distracted. My first job was already going horribly. The kill was sloppy, the hide was mangled... I was nervous. Having finally finished removing the skin, I dried it to be used for the biography I was to write.
-It really was a nice biography... I kept it with me, even now...- My editor, to my surprise, was happy with my work.
My next target was a pegasus named Gray Moon. He was wanted for rape. There was already evidence to support this, so I had no need to stalk him.
His kill was much cleaner.
I was having some sort of a streak after the first ten or twenty... I've lost count, to tell you the truth. My editor sent me another letter. It told me that I was a replacement for a previous reaper, one named Pinkamena. She turned her victims into cupcakes. I personally like my biographies better. Apparently, she had gone insane and made herself into a cupcake. -By Luna, isn't that what I'm doing now...- That would never happen to me, I thought, I'm much more strong willed.
The letter also informed me that I was free to judge my own targets. -I was free... Free...-
I patrolled Ponyville, searching for misbehavior. An earth pony cornered a mare in an alley. I waited for him to dispose of the witness before getting him myself. I sneaked behind him and knocked him out. -Why didn't I try to help her...- His story was full of hate and abuse, and his death was no different.
I had quite a collection of biographies now. But I needed more. -Always more... Always more, you greedy colt!-
I would take anything now. A stallion showboating. A mare showing a bit more plot than she should. -It all made me sick...- My... Methods of getting... Parchment... For my work. I started skinning ponies alive. It was more fun.
Did you know how much you can learn from a pony just from their screams of pain? It's a delightful sound! -Oh, by Luna's mane, make it stop!-
That's when it happened. I had already snapped, long ago...
But this was the last straw.
It was around the local Ponyville school. Her...
Her name was Dinky... -I didn't mean to... I didn't want to...
She was just a foal... So young... She didn't know any better...
I... I brought her to my home... To skin her...
I brought the knife in...
Her scream... It wasn't like the others...
She had done nothing wrong... Not once.
And here I was... -bastard- Skinning an innocent filly alive.
I let her free. The wound was bad, but Nurse Redheart was-- No, that's right... I killed Redheart... -I'm fucking worthless... Can't even do my own job right...-
Some... Somepony will help her... I know it...
But the blood... It will lead to me...
Maybe I want to get caught though... Maybe that's why I'm writing this... -FUCK THIS HURTS!-
The... The painkillers I've used... are wearing off... I'm sorry everypony... I truly am sorry, Red... Most important... I'm sorry to you, my editor, Fl
Everypony has their thirty seconds eventually... I'm finally getting mine.
Upholstry
"Life is like... A comfy sofa! It's amazing, but as time goes on, it wears out..."
Missy Futon awoke excitedly to a brand new day. A brand new day where she got to do her jobs, which she loved. Missy makes furniture. It's her talent, really. She makes some of the best darn furniture in Equestria. And it's all thanks to the local ponies who help make the furniture! By help, of course, I mean they are the furniture. Missy is a reaper, part of an organization sanctioned by an unknown leader to stop criminal activity by permanently disabling the criminals. Every reaper has a different method of doing this, and every reaper has a different definition of criminal activity.
One pony writes a biography of the offender on their own hides. Another, more famous one was Pinkamena, who would bake the victims into cupcakes.
Missy made furniture. And she loved it.
She jumped out of bed, directly into her store. Hers was the only one that was made of normal materials. She may be a homicidal maniac, but she's not sick. I mean, who knows where the ponies who made up the furniture have been?
The little bell on the door to the shop rang. A customer approached. It was show time.
"Hello, and welcome to Futon's Futons and More! What would you be looking for today?" Missy chided in a whiny voice.
An earth pony stallion stood at the entrance. His coat and mane were a light gray and he wore a monocle.
"Yes, I'm looking for a table and I heard you were the finest upholster in the area."
Missy smiled brightly. "Why yes, I am! You heard right! I just happened to have made a table yesterday!"
Using a simple levitation spell, she brought the table into the main shop room. It was made from two ponies, a couple if she remembered correctly. Their bones made to look like wood so as not to arouse suspicion. It was flawless, just like all the other furniture. Truly, Missy would get employee of the month! Well, if GRIMM had employees of the month...
"Hm, yes. That table is exquisite. How much do you want for it?" the pony asked.
Missy mentally rubbed her hooves together. "Well, normally I would charge 500 bits... But you seem to really like it. How about 400 bits?"
"Hm, yes. That seems like a marvelous deal. I'll take it." The pony reached into his saddle bag and pulled out a large gold coin. "I'm sure this should about cover it, yes?"
Missy could hardly contain her excitement. That table was probably worth 100 bits and she was pretty sure it was haunted by the ghost of the pony she used to make it, but she sold it for quadruple the price. "Thank you, sir! I hope you enjoy your new table!" Missy beemed.
"Hm, yes. Quite." the pony replied, taking the table on his back as he left.
As the door was closing, Missy thought she saw a pegasus coming toward the shop at break-neck speeds. Missy ran as fast as she could to keep the door open, but it was too late. The gray pegasus with blond hair crashed through the door.
"Hello, Derpy..." Missy greeted as sarcastically as she could. "Think you could have at least stopped to open the door?"
The pegasus stared at Missy and the floor. "Oh, you know I have to keep a public image. We can't have ponies suspecting me of being a reaper, now, can we?" she said in a very feminine voice.
"Yes, of course, but nopony is around right now..."
"You can never be too careful. I've heard that somepony has started ivestigating us... Anyway, here's your new assignment." Derpy gave a letter to Missy. It had a pink seal on it in the shape of an s. After this, Derpy left, leaving Missy with a new skylight.
"Well, let's see who I got this time!" Missy thought to herself excitedly.
"Life is like... A comfy sofa! It's amazing, but as time goes on, it wears out... But when you look back at it all, it was worth buying."
Twilight Sparkle awoke as soon as the sunlight entered her window. She wouldn't be able to take care of the library today, as usual, because she had to investigate a string of killings. She was used to death by now, though. One of her best friends, Pinkie Pie, was found guilty of killing ponies and baking them into cupcakes. Of course, this was after she had killed Rainbow Dash and herself. She gave a deep sigh. It seemed like everything she had thought she knew about her friends was wrong.
Rarity was a sadist who threw a sewing machine at her (damn things are heavy) and Applejack became a shut-in because she's scared of the end of times. Fluttershy was the only one who hadn't changed. Together they investigated a string of killings by some organization that called themselves the "Reapers". They know this thanks to Pinkie, who was kind enough to leave quite a bit of evidence behind.
"So, Twilight, what do you want for breakfast today?" asked a young purple dragon. He was always up before Twilight these days...
"I think I'll skip breakfast today, Spike. I have to get an early start on the investigations!" the lavender mare replied.
"All right, if you say so. You know, they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day and-" Spike was interrupted by the sound of the door closing as Twilight left the library.
"Good luck, Twilight..." Spike said to himself.
Fluttershy was busy tending to an injured porcupine when she was jarred by a sudden knock at the door. She knew who it was before she opened it; only one pony who wakes up this early would actually visit her at this time, especially since it was the one they agreed on. She gently opened the door.
"Oh, hello, Twilight. I was... Um... Expecting you..." stated the shy pony.
"Hi, Fluttershy! Are you ready to investigate? I think I've got a good lead that will get us close to the leader of the Reaper organization!" the lavender one retorted.
"Oh, really? What would it be...?"
Twilight paused for dramatic effect, but it just made Fluttershy feel a little uncomfortable.
"Derpy!"
Fluttershy looked surpried. "D-Derpy? The mail-mare? Oh, but... She wouldn't hurt a fly. Not on purpose, anyway..."
"I know, I'm not saying she's a Reaper, but she might deliver their letters without knowing it!" Twilight yelled excitedly.
As if on cue, the bubbly pegasus flew to the Fluttershy's mailbox. Twilight ran to her quickly before she could leave.
"Derpy! Do you know anything about the Reaper organization?" Twilight asked.
Derpy tilted her head, confused. "Do they make muffins?" Derpy replied in a voice decidedly less feminine than that she used around Missy.
"No, they're a group of murderers!"
Derpy shook her head. "If they don't make muffins, I don't know them..."
"Are you sure? Can I see if you have any letters to or from the Reapers?"
Derpy shook her head lividly. "No, no, no, derp! I can't let anypony see the mail! Mr. Postmaster Sir said 'if it happens again, your flank is fired', and I think he means it this time!"
Twilight hung her head and sighed in defeat. Derpy was right, it was illegal to interfere with the delivery of mail. Celestia herself decreed it. She returned to Fluttershy, who stayed behind up the path.
"Did you find anything out, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked.
Twilight shook her head.
"Oh, well... Um... I'm sure that the next lead will be less... Um... Disappointing..."
Twilight had a solemn look about her. "Yeah... The fate of Equestria may depend on it..."
