Echoes of Family

by I Thought I Was Toast

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthology, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Bat Pony, Royal Guard, Slice of Life
Length: 31048

A family of one is as good as a family of none. Each voice it holds adds yet more richness and echoes to the depths of the cave, and it's often best to take a step back and listen to the song a family makes as a whole.

A family of one is as good as a family of none. Each voice it holds adds yet more richness and echoes to the depths of the cave, and it's often best to take a step back and listen to the song a family makes as a whole.

This is an anthology of one shots running parallel with She Drives Me Batty. Each and every one of them are going to be from PoVs outside of Night's to better look into the lives of her family in ways I can't or don't want to explore in the main story. Each one shot will be marked with it's narrator and any additional tags.

A Batty-verse Story Reading Just a Little Batty and She Drives Me Batty first is highly recommended to avoid any confusion.

Cover Art Artist is KatChan

Prereaders and Editors:
Dreams of Ponies
jowijo
Level Dasher

Published 2022-02-16 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-30 20:19:42 UTC

Be It Feather or Leather It's in the Blood (Tempered)

“Alright, cadets. Today is the day.” Decked in full armor and pacing back and forth, I paused for a moment to smirk at my troops. “You’re turning the big oh-five. You aren’t colts anymore; you’re stallions!”

My two little soldiers were lined up in less-than-perfect attention as I strutted before them with my back straight and my chest out. Rolling gave a squeaky yawn before rustling his wing and picking his nose, while Red was running back and forth as he dug through the brush—scaring away all the prey he was looking for.

“Yeah, we’re big boys now! Hiiiiiyah!” Smushing a small bush with a karate chop, Red pouted as he was rewarded only with crackling twigs. “Dad! There aren’t any bugs here!”

“Oh, there are plenty of bugs in these woods, Red,” I chuckled. “Whitetail woods is just crawling with critters, but you aren’t gonna find any stomping around like that. Come over here, Red, and let me show you the ancient and noble art of butt-waggling—second only to eyebrow-waggling in things you two must learn as my sons.”

“But Daaaaad!” The little bugger’s ears splayed back as he whined up at me. “I already know how to waggle my butt!” He turned to wave his rump at me for emphasis.

“Aye! You do!” With a great, rumbling laugh, I stepped forward to rustle his mane and ruin his pout. “But! Give me this, will you? It’s your old stallion’s favorite part of the lesson.”

“Heehee! Fine, fine! Stop! Lemme go! Ahhh! Rolling, help me!” Giggling up a storm, Red flailed in my grip as I picked him up to noogie him.

“Rawr, I’mma hunta!” From behind me, Rolling lunged, wrapping his hooves around my neck as he leapt to free his brother.

“Hah!” The forest shook just like my shoulders as I howled in laughter and tumbled to the forest floor to play my part as a big, scary beast. We tussled and rolled while the two of them bit and bucked like mad, and eventually I let them slip free so they could scramble atop and ‘pin’ me.

“Alright, boys. You have your fun?~” Grinning up from under them, I growled without breaking a sweat as the two of them panted and scowled just as ferociadorably as Night used to. Rolling back to my hooves, the terrible twosome squeaked as I easily shook them off. “Now come! It is time to waggle thine butts as best princess would say!”

“Yeah, best princess!” Rolling hopped to his hooves to immediately start waggling, while Red pouted and crossed his hooves. The little bugger still had a thing for Twilight.

That was fine, though. He was allowed to be a heathen as long as he stayed that cute.

“Seriously, though.” Sinking low to the ground, I waggled my rump with true purpose. “Like me, my stallions! Head low, butt up, wings at the ready to pounce!” In a good and proper stance, I slunk forward in looming silence. My eyes cast about in the shade of the trees as I looked for wriggly morsels.

The troops and I had scared all the good stuff away in our rumbling rompus, however, and so I carried us deeper into the forest. We waggled our way in, a conga line of jiggly death and despair. Soon, our silent dance brought us back into the midst of cricketsong and skittering snacks. They were slower this time of year, more sluggish, as they played us a slower song.

Winter was coming soon, but we would find them first. There would be no bunkering down for our prey this season! Their deaths would be swift, merciless, and quick beneath our fangs.

Well, teeth in Red’s case, but he had honorary fangs.

Each of us sent out little clicks as we swiveled our ears, and Red turned his head to match as Rolling and I scouted potential prey. Squinting our eyes, we looked through the brush, little buggers scuttling just out of sight. As we finally reached a good spot, I held out a hoof to motion the boys still, and it was there that we formed a circle with our backs to each other and our eyes casting about.

Watching, waiting, our butts swayed like metronomes to the cricketsong as we each picked out our initial prey.

“Reeeee!” It was Red who struck first, the little rascal. Wings buzzing, he went straight for the big boys and crushed the head of a massive centipede before it even knew what hit it. The long wriggling body squirmed and flailed in its death throes as he lifted it, no doubt wriggling all the way down as he slurped it up.

It wasn’t on the list for dinner, but such a catch could hardly be ignored after presenting itself. He didn’t break a sweat—hay, he licked his lips—like the well-trained colt he was.

Rolling gave a scree of his own as he leapt from cricket to cricket. His hooves were swift to grab and twist the heads, sending his prey swiftly to the stars above. His hard work piled up quickly, though, for some reason, he wasn’t eating any as he worked. We would have more than enough for both the kabobs and the salad, so I left him to that as I looked at various logs to find a different kind of prey.

My mighty hoof was more than enough to crack one open and reveal the large nest of huddling ladybugs. Before they could scatter to find more warmth, I struck with my shadow, wrapping them in chilled darkness and suffocating them within. It kept them crisp, crunchy, and the perfect size to grab a hoofful and toss them back for a quick bite.

Several more logs followed as I gathered beetles, termites, carpenter ants, and anything else I thought might vary things up. Red continued ignoring the dinner list to hunt for fun, while Rolling…

“There a reason that you’re just adding to the pile, sport?” I gave a rumbling hum as I paused in my collection to watch Rolling. He licked his lips and looked at the pile of crickets next to him, but didn’t even snap up one. “Go on. It’s your birthday!~ You’re allowed to have some fun while hunting—doubly so on a day like today!”

Rolling scrunched his face as he responded, little gouts of smoke rising from his ears as he stumbled over the words. “M’mnt… M’m not gonna eat bugs no more. Topaz says they have feelings too.”

Err… say what now?

I blinked for a good half a minute, my only other motion being my ear flicking idly as I kept track of Red on his rampage through the forest around us. He’d galavanted off without me and Rolling—because of course he had—but at the very least, he was staying close as I stared at the impossibility in front of me.

“You aren’t… going to eat bugs anymore?”

“Eeyup!” Rolling nodded.

“But you’re fine with hunting and killing them?”

“Uhhh… whoops?” He frowned as he looked down at his pile of prey. “Nuh-uh! M’m not gonna hunt anymore either, then!” With that said, he crossed his hooves and sat down.

“Ummm…” Great. I had made it worse. How could I possibly fix this? It required tact and a gentle guiding hoof.

Well… either that or an obnoxious brother, but I’d save siccing Red on him as a last resort.

“Topaz.” Rolling the name over my tongue, I hummed and mulled it over, trying to recall his classmates. “Isn’t she the one who already has a cutie mark?”

“Yuh-huh!” My pride and joy nodded oh-so-vigorously. “It’s a bunch of bugs!”

“Right.” I remembered her now. She had a trio of ladybugs for a mark, and was already in glasses from squinting at her specimens. Cute as a bug—pun totally intended—but also definitely on the high track to being an entomology nerd. “Uh… sport, are you sure she said feelings and not feelers?” I tried to grin; it was only a little forced. “She’s the one with a butterfly collection. Getting them all picture perfect and preserved is a hay of a lot more mean to them than enjoying the circle of life.”

“Mhmm! I’m sure! She called me a big, fat meanie during recess yesterday, and all I did was ask to eat her apple! She wasn’t gonna eat it; it had a worm in it!” He sniffled. “I don’t like being a meanie, or any of the other stuff she called me, so I’m not gonna eat bugs no more!”

I had a sudden flashback to dinner last night, and what I had thought was just him being a bit picky with his maggots.

“So…” Buck, I had to be careful now. “Rolling, I appreciate the sentiment—”

“The senti-what?”

“Your feelings, lad. I get where your heart’s coming from. You’ve always been a bit sweet and soft.” He opened his mouth to protest, so I cut him off at the pass. “In a good way, not a wimpy way. It’s not like you use straws.” I reached out to ruffle his mane. “Problem is… uh… you kind of need to eat bugs to get by, buddy. We aren’t just giving them to you because they taste good.”

“But… feelings…” He unleashed the big guns on me, pouting with Starlight-grade mind melters.

If I hadn’t been trained to take a shot from the princess herself, I’d have turned into a hot, gooey pile of dumbass right then and there. “Look, son. The circle of life is a strange and mysterious thing. The stars aligned, and we were made to eat bugs. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing! Think about all the bugs there would be if there weren’t frogs or spiders or nature’s built-in fly swatter.” I cracked my tail like a whip for emphasis. “They’d just keep coming and coming until there’d be too many to feed. Would you rather they die slowly from an empty tummy or quick and clean between your teeth?”

“Well…” Rolling bit his lip and looked down.

“Dad, dad, dad! Look! It’s been like, two whole minutes and it’s still kicking!” Before Rolling could decide, Red ran up and spat a giant centipede into his hooves.

Well, it was half a centipede.

Kind of….

He’d picked off all the legs on one side, and the poor thing was flailing about.

“Red!” Rolling’s shrill, little squeak of horror could have shattered glass. He stared at the centipede, his mouth agape, and I watched all my hard work go straight down Red’s gullet as he finally ate the thing.

Well, he ate half of it. Apparently those lessons on sharing were kicking in, because he held out a good chunk of the poor, twitching creature to his brother.

“Wha? You wan’ shum?” he asked, mouth full and one cheek puffed out as he crunched and ground the carapace down.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Rolling backpedaled into me. “Daaaaaad! See?! This is why I’m never eating bugs again!”

One gulp and licked lips later. “Huh? Are you still being a wimp over what Topaz said? Stop being a weichei! They’re just bugs!” Red waved the last of his snack towards Rolling with a horseapple-eating grin before he snapped it up. “Now, come on! There were more of them that way! We can dig them all out, round them up, and pull their legs off one-by-one to see how long they last!”

“Hold on there, bucko.” I reached out to grab Red by the nape of his neck as he turned to run back into the woods. “First off, don't call your brother that, and second, don’t play with your food. Hunting may be fun, but you have to respect what you eat. You should go for quick, clean kills, not torturing the poor things.”

“What?! But you did that to all the ladybugs and stuff over there!” He pointed to my personal haul with a frown.

“No, Red, I put mine to rest as fast as I possibly could without damaging their shells.” I shook my head. “The recipe calls for them like that. You ripped off the legs of that centipede and watched it squirm and thrash for over two whole minutes. It was probably in horrible pain the whole time.”

“But…” Red looked between Rolling and me a few times before he crossed his hooves with a huff. “Fine! Whatever! I’m sorry!”

“Heh. No, you’re not.” I reached out to ruffle his mane. “But for today, that’s fine. I’m not looking to get into an argument. I just want you to think about it.”

“Rolling’s still a weichei, though.” There was another huff as Red kicked the ground. He mumbled under his breath, but my ear caught it all the same.

I sighed, and shook my head before turning back to Rolling with a smile. “Now, then.” I hummed as I considered just how to go about making up my lost ground. “You still don’t wanna eat bugs, huh?”

“Mrgmrff…” Squirming before me and looking away, Rolling’s ears splayed back. “It’s not like I don’t wanna… But it’s mean.”

“It’s not mean!” Red snorted and stomped.

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Boys, boys! Settle down now.” I reached out to drag them both out of their slapfight and into a totally-not-a-headlock hug. “Now is not the time for fighting unless you want me getting in on the fun!”

“Ack! No! Leggo! You cheat!” The two of them flailed fruitlessly in my grip.

“No, that would be your Mom.” I chuckle. “Now are you two done?” There were several more seconds of struggling before they both fell limp and made overdramatic choking noises. “Yeah, yeah, ham it up.” Nonetheless, I let them go, and watched them roll back to their hooves and scowl at each other.

Hard to believe I’d considered siccing Red on Rolling earlier. He was just getting under his skin in all the wrong ways. Still, the slap fight did not continue, so I nodded and turned to start gathering our haul.

“I’ll tell you what, Rolling. If you really don’t want to eat bugs anymore, there is a solution, but you aren’t gonna like it.”

“R-really?” He looked up while biting his lip, clearly expecting some kind of dad-stardly trick.

“Eeyup.” I may have been wearing a guano-guzzling grin, so it was understandable. “You see, as it turns out, only a day dweller could be evil enough to invent MRE’s, and for a long time they weren’t made with thestrals in mind. Now, that’s fine if you were shipped to a place where you could do your own hunting, but get shipped up to the frozen north? Bah! They gave you something far worse than MRE’s back in your grandpa’s day.”

“W-worse than MRE’s?!” Rolling’s eyes were wide. “But… but… the omlet!”

“Mhmm.” I nodded sagely. “You tell me, sport. What’s worse? The thought of eating those every day? Or being forced to eat those on top of these big, nasty, plastic pills? Cause that’s your other option. You don’t have to eat bugs, but then you’d have to take medicine every day to avoid getting sick.”

“Nooooooo!” He reared back as if stricken.

“Yes!” Looming high, I spread my wings to cast him in shadow. I’d found a way in, it was time to go beyond ham, and maybe stretch the truth a little just to make sure. “Pills the size of walnuts that you’re forced to swallow whole! An entire hoof’s worth!” I held my hoof out for good measure, booping his snoot with it to fill his head with ideas. He was smaller than Night had been, so my hoof was even bigger than his head. “And if you can’t swallow, there’s always the other end…”

It was definitely enough to get him to rear back once more with a whinny and topple onto his haunches.

“That’s more medicine than I have room for in my tummy….” He stared dazedly up at me.

“Exactly.” I nodded. “And as a growing colt? You’d need more than that. There might even be so much that you have to take some every hour on the dot just to make sure you have room for the next batch. You’d be cursed! Cursed with nothing but eating plastic forever!~”

Giving my most evil laugh, I grinned at him as smug as a slug. “Now does that seem worth giving up delicious and tasty bugs?”

“No!”

The hug was instant and vicelike; it made me immediately regret going whole ham. Still, a little scare was far better than malnutrition. Much better the lad grow up big and strong.

“Then gather up your crickets.” I gently ruffled his mane. “We need to get back so your Mom and I can make dinner.”

“Ahhhh, really?! But hunting is so much fun!” Red irritably buzzed his wings from where he’d been stuck under my watchful eye.

“I can always take you next time.” With a rumbling chuckle and grin, I started gathering our haul. “Maybe one of these years if you show a little restraint, I’ll even teach you how to butcher any pigs and chickens for special occasions—and only for special occasions.” I narrowed my gaze briefly at Red. “I already know what you’re thinking.”

“Wha— Huh— Hey! Don’t look at me like that!” Red pouted. “I can totally be unfun. But why would I want to? Come on! Please! I can handle it! I promise! I wanna play with the big knives!”

“Aaaaand that right there is why we don’t let you, sport.” I pulled him and Rolling up and onto my back once the saddlebags were loaded. Felt strange to grunt at so little weight, but age was funny like that. At least I could still bear it and more easily enough; I just felt it now.

And that certainly made training with Night or wrestling two manticores at once a bitch, but what was life without a challenge?

As I walked us back through the forest, I watched for the occasional falling leaf and simply contemplated as the twins bickered on my back. Responses to shush them when needed were automatic at this point, and so I could just savor the chill autumn air for a bit.

It was… nice.

Soon, it would be nicer, not that the twins knew that. Morning had agreed to start throwing them bigger parties this year, and Pinkie was probably putting in the last minute touches right now.

It gave me an excuse to take the scenic route and walk through town, letting me nod and smile at the ponies we passed.

We finally did reach home, though, and I unfurled my wings to take us up. Pausing outside the door, I cocked an ear, and sure enough there was the hustle and bustle of little hoofsteps getting into place. Rolling was too busy tussling with Red on my back to hear it, and so, with a big old grin I opened the door, walked inside, and relished feeling the little buggers topple off my back with a squawk and a screep as all their classmates jumped out to yell surprise.

“Happy birthday, boys.” I chuckled and picked them up to set them on their hooves as they gaped at all the balloons and streamers.

The cake was an enormous five-tier triple chocolate fudge decorated with caramel candies and candy-coated cockroaches, and a mountain’s worth of games stood in their boxes in the corner. Princess Twilight had lent Starlight for an hour just to expand the inside of the house with a little magic as the old single room schoolhouse was now fully devoted to being a kindergarten. Their class was big, and we needed the extra space to host it at home, but just watching the twins’ eyes light up as their friends peppered them with questions made it worth it.

Most hadn’t ever been up into our dark and spooky home.

Stepping around the gaggle of foals, I headed for Morning to give her our hard earned hunt and a kiss.

“Welcome home, love.” With a giggle, she ran a hoof down my back but was otherwise off to the kitchen to start preparing my haul into a big bowl of bug salad.

I snagged one last hoofful of ladybugs as she went, chomping down with a happy hum and turning to lean on the wall to better watch and chaperone everypony. Pinkie had gotten a good half the class into several games of Twister, while the rest were happy to cheer as they watched. Red was clearly cheating as he tickled his brother with one wing, but such was life with siblings.

There was one filly just staring hungrily at the cake, but really, who wouldn’t salivate over—

Wait…. Glasses. Three butt bugs. A notebook and pencil taking notes. It seemed a certain somepony had come to the party despite all her protests of ‘Bugs have feelings!’

Edging forward with a grin, I snuck up on the little bugger as she squinted at the candy coated cockroaches in the candle light and furiously scribbled a sketch in her notebook. It was… surprisingly good for a five-year old, but then again, she was the first in her class to get a mark. Definitely a nerd, but a nerd with purpose.

“Well, well, well.” I smirked a little as she jumped and whirled to face me, her eyes widening as she looked up at me and then lingering on my fangs. “What have we here, hrmmm? A loner not interested in the party?”

“I… umm… I…” Blushing black, Topaz looked down. “My dad made me come, but I don’t think Rolling or Red really want me here. I said… things… yesterday.”

“Dads do have duties to meddle.” I nodded and hunkered down to be more on her level. “What kinda things did you say to my boys, hrmm?”

“Stupid things.” She frowned before glancing up at me and quickly looking back down, slowly pulling her notebook to her as she started to sketch my fangs. “I… didn’t know bat ponies had to eat bugs, but Mister Booky kept me after class to explain it. And then I went to the library, and the library had all kinds of books.”

Giving a large, wide yawn, she rubbed her eyes with her free hoof. “Too many books to read in a night. Too many books with stuff I don’t get. Why is eating bugs a good thing, Mister Mettle?”

“Mmm…” I hummed and scratched my chin. “Well, if you want the short answer, I’ll tell you what I told Rolling earlier today. You know how bugs need to eat?”

She nodded, opening her mouth to say something but thinking better of it as she bit her lip.

“Well, think about what would happen if all your favorite bugs were left to eat their fill without ever being eaten. They’d eat and eat and eat, and eventually, there’d be too many bugs for them all to eat their fill. Bugs would go hungry or not be able to find homes, and does that sound fun?”

“No….” The little filly pouted up at me.

“It is simply part of the circle of life.” I nodded.

“And… Rolling asked you the same thing?” Topaz squirmed under me and looked over her shoulder at the still ongoing games.

“He did.” I chuckled. “You had quite the effect on him.”

“I’m sorry….”

“Don’t tell me that! Tell him!” I gave a loud laugh, and nudged her towards the others. “Go on, then.”

It took a bit for her to squirm her way over to Rolling, and then there was the most adorably awkward scene of the two of them just murmuring at their hooves. I probably should have been paying attention to what they said, but I'd be damned if I wasn’t off and picturing the wedding already in my head.

But no. Morning already gave me crap for being too meddlesome with Night. If it happened it happened…

Didn’t mean I couldn’t have fun with it in my head, though. The kids were just so darn cute. Or at least, they were until Red thought it was a good idea to butt in and dump a hoofful of his trophies from earlier today in Topaz’s mane.

“Ah, the joys of brothers.” I chuckled and went back to the wall as Topaz shrieked and started trying to clean her mane of all the torn off legs.

Wild Bat Chase (Mercy)

Buck all those stories that begin on a bright and sunny day in the park. If this was idyllic, I’d rather be inside and licking Mettle’s old Night Guard armor clean. I was hot as balls, and it was the freaking middle of autumn.

Maybe it was the cloak…. If it was the cloak, though, I’d rather burn. This was the cloak Checkmate gave me. It smelled like him—smelled like us—and I’d be damned if I was just gonna leave it in the house.

At least Pushing was enjoying herself. She was off some… ten trots away? She was never far as she poked about for bugs and frogs and birds. She was mostly good about staying close—maybe she did that for me, though. Foals are smarter than you’d think.

With a squeaky, victorious cry, my little star brought her hoof up in triumph as she caught something. From the sluggish wriggling and the croaks, it was definitely not a bug, and she wobbled back over from the side of the pond to show off her catch to me.

“Mmmmmpfffft!” She gave a happy hum that turned into a raspberry as she held out the wet and slimy amphibian to me. The poor thing shivered miserably in the autumn air, staring up at me with big, sad eyes as it gave another slow and feeble croak.

I graciously took it from her with a smile and leaned down to nuzzle her, and that was all the encouragement she needed to burble and give me kisses every bit as sloppy as her father. Then it was back to the pond for more treasures and goodies.

One of my ears swiveled to keep track of her as always even as I laid back in the shade of my tree and closed my eyes. Each trip back had gotten progressively splashier, but their echoes were enough to tell me the pond was little more than a big puddle.

The frog gave another croak—this one even slower than the last—and so I gave it the only mercy I could and ended things quickly as I tossed it down my gullet. Letting it go would only lead it to Pushing dragging it back to me.

Cold, slimey, and nowhere near wriggly enough. Most would have probably put it at a flat one out of ten; I gave it a five, if only because my mouth had sucked on at least three types of slime that tasted way worse than frog sweat. Such was the curse of being a bold and intrepid adventurer.

The splashing had stopped by this point, though a few well placed clicks pinpointed Pushing as she headed towards a small flock of birds that had landed to pick for worms. She happily tried to chase them as they flew away, only to stop and try and light her horn with a few errant sparks.

The inhibitor ring put a stop to that right quick, and she frowned up at it with big weapons grade eyes. “Mmnna! Mmnnaa!” Bringing a hoof up to pick at it, her futile struggles resulted in her circling in place and rolling in the grass, staining the pristine white coat she’d gotten from her father.

“Mmnammammma!” Huffing in frustration, she finally stopped flailing about and pouted up the tree where the birds had retreated to. It just tore at my heartstrings to see her hold out a hoof and jump as if that would be enough.

Surely a little break wouldn’t be that bad, would it?

Peeking around, I fired a rapid series of clicks just to make sure no other witnesses were currently looking, and then I rose to go over to my frustrated little filly and hug her. “Hey, squirt. Come here. Let momma Mercy pop that ring right off for you. Just don’t go nuts, okay?”

“Mmmmmmna!” With a shrill cry, Pushing hugged me back tight before looking straight back at the tree and furrowing her brow in concentration. “Babbna mahmna!” With a burbling battlecry, her horn sputtered to life, and with a pop it was a bird that was next to me and my daughter in the tree.

I stared at the dazed little bird for a moment, then looked up to make sure that yes, that was in fact my daughter hanging on a now empty branch and gamely swinging her hooves at the birds that had scattered to the next tree over.

Pop.

Then she was in the next tree and the birds scattered again. “Mmmmna!”

Pop.

Pop.

Pop.

“Well, shit.” I sighed as it became clear she was lost in her little game. She kept popping farther and farther away and I had to move fast to keep up. “Pushing! Pushing, stop! You’re really pushing your luck right now, you hear me?”

“Mmnaaaaaaaa!” She clearly didn’t as she belted her shrill little battle cry at the top of her lungs, a chain of things left in her wake as she kept using her father’s spell to chase after the birds. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t really run; she had magic on her side.

Left, right, over, and under, the amount of aerial tricks I did to keep up with her and her prey was absurd.

She didn’t fall—because she was my girl, and she was damn good to boot—but she could fall, and that thought left my stomach in all kinds of knots. Damn ring, this was all its fault. It had to be. She was all pent up with magic now. There’s no way she could swap this many times if I’d just left her ringless like I wanted.

Annoying as the surges were, they were all she had to defend herself, and—

And she just swapped with a bird mid-air! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I zooped down and caught her—because I’m me, and I’m just that good—but the sheer audacity of my daughter knew no bounds as she giggled and nuzzled me the instant she was in my grip. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was cocking my own patent pending grin at me, but no, she was just burbling as innocent as always.

“Haminamammina!” She purred and squeezed my neck before holding up a manically flapping bird in her telekinesis.

“Yes, dear, that’s very cute.” My smile might have had a bit too much fang to it after that little heart attack, but inside I was more than hot and gooey with pride. “You should let it go now before you hurt it.” And before we got any more stares—not that I gave a rat’s ass what they thought, I just didn’t want word of this getting back to Mettle or Morning.

“Mmnaa!” My progeny was less than pleased as I tried to nudge her terrified trophy out of her grip, pulling it closer and hugging it like a teddy bear.

Rookie mistake, really, though I couldn’t blame her with her being less than a year old and all. As soon as it was in range, the bird gave her a good scratch and peck, and Pushing cried out, all but shoving the thing away. I snapped at it as it booked it and hissed, because now it deserved more than a good scare, but it nimbly dodged me and was on its way.

My blood boiled at that, but Pushing was more important.

She was sniffing and wailing and flailing with a passion, so I flew her back to our tree where my saddlebags were and got to work patching her up nice and good. She screamed bloody murder as I sprayed her cuts and washed them, but even as my ears splayed back I smiled.

That smile grew as she suddenly stopped and stared at her cuts, probably shocked at how the spray made the pain just disappear. That, of course, merited her trying to lick it up, and I had to nudge her away from doing that, ’cause I knew just how nasty that stuff tasted from a similar first experience.

“Probably won’t scar.” I hummed as I wound the bandage up. “But I’m counting this as a battle wound, and you know what that means!” From within the bag, I brandished my camera.

“Bllrptffff— Hic!” Pushing threw up her hooves to mimic me as she blew a raspberry in response. It was interrupted mid blast by a hiccup, and she toppled backward from the force.

“That’s right, kiddo! A photo!” I righted her and wrapped my foreleg around her, leaning in to take a shot of us both. “Saaaaaaaay ‘Hot dam!’”

“Hiccup!” The camera flashed, Pushing’s horn flashed, and I was left with a very confused colt in my arms that was definitely not my daughter.

“Mom!” Even as the poor colt opened his mouth to start crying for his parents, my ears had already locked onto the shrill screams of Pushing some fifty trots away. She was being held by an earth pony mare who was looking at her in bemusement, and then with another hiccup said mare was holding a half-eaten hoagie from somepony’s picnic.

Off in a flash, I flew to her and shoved her own bundle of joy back into her arms, ignoring the beehive mane as it angrily loomed over me to threaten talking to my manager. Cocking my ears, I tracked Pushing’s cries, soon finding the picnic in question where she was bawling up a storm as she looked in just about every direction but mine.

“Maminmi— Hic!” Just as she saw me and looked like she might settle down, she was gone again in a flash of light and replaced with a very confused squirrel staring up at the picnickers.

“Hey! Hey, are you even listening?!” Nightmother above, the mare next to me just would not shut up. She even had the gall to grab me as I moved to go keep after Pushing.

“Ma’am.” I stopped ever so briefly to bare my fangs at the high snooter next to me. “You don’t let me go and I will bite your hoof off. You got yours back already, so fuck off.” That got her to let go, if only for a moment, and I was off and past the picnic to follow the sound of hiccups and crying as it hopped about the park.

“Thanks a lot!” The father of the family having the picnic angrily shook a hoof at me as I passed. “It took us three days to make that potato salad! Three days!”

I barely paid him any heed as Pushing’s hiccups were already carrying my sweet, little girl away and into town. Booking it after her, I slowed down only to smile and wave at a very bemused pair of local guards as they stared after the trail of swapped items and disoriented ponies Pushing was leaving in her wake.

They weren’t Dawn Guard, thankfully; it would be annoying to tangle with any purple fuzz. When the pair turned to start rapidly discussing how to catch my runaway baby, I was free to fly full speed again with them distracted.

It was a bit strange that other than the Guard, the townsponies were shockingly blasé about the whole affair as I zoomed past them. There was the occasional sourpuss much like I’d run into in the park, but most ponies just kept going about their business or even laughed at the situation.

One time I’d almost caught up with Pushing, only to crash into the table she’d been crying on a moment before. The waiter of the restaurant was nice enough to help me to my hooves, and only one patron was complaining about the new fly in their soup. The others just kept eating their swapped dishes like this was just another Tuesday—and to be fair, I’d seen some wacky shit and heard wackier stories since moving in—but it said a lot about Ponyville that they thought this was normal.

They were my kind of ponies.

Still, I tossed the waiter some bits as an apology, ate the offending soup fly, and was back on my way, following the trail of hiccups as they carved their way through town. My ears perked as the trail took a turn to the right ahead of me, and I took a risk trying to cut it off at the pass. A slight right had me coasting over storefronts to meet the stormfront that was pushing forward, and I finally managed to get ahead of my little darling just in time for her to pop into view atop a windowsill planter. She flailed about, half planted in dirt, and wailed loud enough for all of Canterlot to hear.

“Pushing! Down here! Look down, now. Momma’s here!” I quickly rose to meet her.

For a split-second, I didn’t think she’d heard, and then her sniffles settled slightly as she looked down. “Mamina?” Her eyes widened as she saw me, all snot and tears forgotten as she held out her hoof. “Momm— Hic!”

And she was gone again.

Just as I’d gotten ahold of her hoof…

At least I knew where she ended up. As Pushing’s wail of despair ramped back up, it was matched by the shrill, panicked shriek of a fashionista who had just lost her designer saddlebags and was now wearing a filthy, dirt-covered unicorn on her back.

“Rarity, quick! Her horn! Accessorize it!” I acted on instinct, turning to toss the magic suppression ring in their direction. I had a glimpse of Pushing lighting her horn for a panicked swap, and Rarity—Nightmother bless her soul—had the presence of mind to short out Pushing’s spell mid-freakout.

She lit her horn for a quick, little dispel, and she caught the ring in her telekinesis to fit it snugly in place before another hiccup could carry Pushing away. All of this, of course, happened as the fashionista wailed like a banshee over the dirt, tears, and snot smudging up her coat, because prissy noble-wannabe or not, that mare was a hero, an Element, and far more deserving of a title than upstarts like me or ‘daddy dead-to-me.’

She had instincts, and damn good ones, too.

“Thanks for that, Rarity.” I panted and stumbled a bit as I landed, moving to take Pushing as quickly as possible so the mare could start casting every conceivable cleanliness charm she knew as a quick fix until she could get to a shower.

“No problem at all, dear.” Without a little ball of filth clinging to her, she was remarkably quick to regain composure, tossing her mane back and giving a giggle that was only partly forced. “Don’t tell me.” She fluttered her lashes. “You snuck off the ring again and something unexpected happened.”

“Hiccups.” I briefly glowered as the offending noise made its presence known once more. Poor Pushing was so tuckered out now that she was back in my hooves that she could barely sniffle as I rubbed her back and burped her to rid us of the menace.

“Ah.” Rarity nodded and gestured for us to walk with her. “I remember a similar issue with Elusive, though his surges were always more… flashy than dangerous. Come along, then. Let’s get you two cleaned up.”

I hesitated a moment before following. “Are you going to tell on me?”

“Moi? Do you really think so little of me, darling?” Rarity looked over and tilted her head. “I know why you prefer her ringless. Plenty of unicorns, including myself, feel the same.” She stopped and leaned in for a brief hug. “She might be more of a hoofful than most, but as long as you can handle it… Most of the time, any trouble her surges get her into those same surges will get her out of. The rings are mostly made for non-unicorn families that don’t wish to deal with the headaches.”

“So you get it, then?” I blinked. “But this is your ring.”

“There are always exceptions.” Rarity backed up and shrugged before returning to slowly sauntering home. “My parents tried a lot before they got the ring, but well… I may not be the strongest unicorn, but I’m sure you’ve noticed just how many things I can levitate?”

“I may have. Yeah.” I was actually surprised there wasn’t a block long parade of shopping bags following us right now, knowing her. She only had seven— no, eight bags floating around.

Rarity giggled as she saw me eye her haul, briefly twirling and making the bags bob and weave. “Well, telekinesis is good at a lot of things. I could pick locks, I could pry nails out of boards, really, there wasn’t much they could do to stop me other than magical castration; my horn kept dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night to find geodes.”

“You can pick locks?” I arched a brow at her. “Damn, girl.”

“My horn could pick locks, not me.” With a titter, Rarity stepped forward as we arrived at Carousel Boutique and pulled out her keys from her saddle bag. “Surges let unicorns do a lot.”

“Mmmm… so the swapping might only be temporary?” I turned back to look at Pushing, curled up and asleep on my back.

“Indeed.” Walking us inside, Rarity was quick to put her bags down. “You have it worse than most with her swapping about, but you would be amazed at the chaos even unicorns with more ordinary parents get up to. My mother comes from a long line of homebodies, and, well, my grandmother used to tell me all sorts of stories about her. Gingerbread revolutions, multiplying brussel sprouts, I could go on and on. Trust me, it’s not just your dear, little Daisy. You just happen to be in the unfortunate spot of having to consider whether or not your daughter needs a ring whether you want it or not.”

“Mom?” Little Elusive meekly poked his head in as we started down the hall. His foalsitter followed, and I hissed on seeing the Pink one. She giggled and waved manically at me, exchanging a few words with Rarity and mentioning something about an ‘eye flutter, knee twitch, frog hop combo’ before she pronked on out the door.

“Why, hello, darling~” Bending down to hug her son as he crept forward, Rarity bent down to be at eye level with him. “I know I promised to have fun with you when I got back, but I ran into my friend Mercy here on the way home and she needs a bit of help. Do you mind if I help her first then come play with you?”

Elusive’s ears drooped, but he nodded and ran off to his room. So well-behaved just like Night had been, I didn’t know whether to be jealous or worried for the lad. I guess as long as he wasn’t guarding the cookies instead of stealing them….

“There. That gives us some time.” Rarity smiled as she stood up. “I must say, though, hissing at Pinkie, really?~ I thought you liked her.”

“It’s a mixed bag,” I grumbled as we stepped into the kitchen. “She has no off button when it comes to her mouth, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”

“You’re far too paranoid. I’m sure as far as she knows, you both just played to your heart’s content in the park.” There was a squeak from off in the kitchen as Rarity lit her horn, and the sound of running water drifted in from further in the house. A wet towel and soap soon followed, and I gingerly lifted Pushing so we could gently sponge her down as she slept.

And yes, Pushing was that tired. She did try to grab at me with a sleepy yawn as we pulled her off, but as soon as she saw I wasn’t going anywhere, she was back to sleep as Rarity and I both dabbed her.

“So…” Rarity hummed. “Tea? Coffee? A shot of whiskey as usual?”

“You know me so well.” I sighed and shook my head. “Just one shot and a pinch of salt if you got it. I’m going home soon enough.”

“Mmmm… fair enough. You are welcome to stay a bit, you know.” Narrowing her gaze upon Pushing, she scrutinized the filly’s foreleg for any more signs of dirt before moving on. The shot was poured and the salt was gathered without her even looking, and I downed both lightning fast.

Barely resisting the urge to slam the glass down on the table, I sighed in satisfaction at the burn. “No, I know you’re busy, and I don’t want to get in the way of your time with Elusive. Thanks for the offer, though.”

I brooded a bit in silence as we kept cleaning Pushing. Rarity didn’t needle me, but she did pour me another shot, which I took despite my earlier insistence on only one. The company was nice; the lack of judgment was nicer.

“Do you…” I bit my lip. “…think I should tell them what happened?”

“Things will certainly be more dramatic if you don’t and they find out.” The sink turned off as we finished and Rarity levitated the towels out. “Everypony appreciates honesty, dear.”

Ears drooping, I looked away. “But… if I tell them, I just know I’m gonna get that look from Night. Tempered and Morning aren’t so bad, but sweet milk of Luna, Night has a whole, bucking sycamore trunk up her ass. She makes me feel worse than my own parents ever did about breaking the rules.”

“They are the rules, darling.”

“Yeah, and Pushing is my foal.” With a growl, I bared my fangs. “I came to Ponyville because I wanted help from Mettle and Morning, not Night. Don’t get me wrong, I love the pipsqueak to death, but she’s just so…” Head falling slowly, I sighed. “She used to look up to me just like she did her Dad, Rarity. I miss that.”

Patting me on the back, Rarity’s smile fell. “Well, things aren’t likely to get any better with that as long as you’re chasing after her parents.”

“So what? I’m not allowed to be happy, then? For Luna’s sake, Rarity, Morning is more understanding than she is—you’re more understanding!” As Pushing stirred in her sleep, I tried to cut my hissing even further down. “It just… hurts. It’s like she doesn’t love me any more.” I sighed and sank to my haunches.

Rarity tutted at that and snapped her tail like a whip against my rump. “Now, now. I shan’t be having any of that in my house. She is merely having a hard time adapting to the situation—just like you. I’m sure if you give it enough time, you’ll both find your peace.”

“You really think so?” I frowned and half heartedly scowled up.

She tittered back and fluttered her eyes like mad. “I know so. Your life is a trashy romance novel, Mercy, and those don’t have unhappy endings~ Even if things with Mettle and Morning don’t work out, I just know your bonds with them and the foals are too strong to break.”

“You and your romance novels. Fine, I’ll tell everypony at dinner.” I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Life isn’t one of your books, though, Rarity. Not everypony gets a happy ending.”

“You’d be surprised~” With a laugh as bright and blinding as the sun, Rarity beamed with all the intensity of the cursed orb itself. “I’ll hook you up with Princess Cadance sometime. We can all have tea and coffee as she tells you a few of her more interesting ‘stories,’ my own included.”

Sanguine Lies and Battle Cries (Tempered, Drama)

Storm clouds rumbled in my wake as I flew towards Mount Canter. Rain and lightning brewed as I brooded, and my scowl was fierce enough to put somepony’s hoof in the grave. A growl rolled in the back of my throat like a pending avalanche with nowhere to go, and I had to fight not to turn back towards Ponyville where the guano-guzzling target of my ire lay.

As much as I wanted to help Night by grounding that bullying piece of sun-roasted shit into dust, though, I couldn’t, and terrorizing the Everfree had gotten boring. I needed something more… productive. I couldn’t help Night, but maybe I could help a certain somepony else in the family.

Mercy was getting better, but she still needed all the help she could get. Circling up and around Mount Canter as I looked for the entrance to the Undercity, I was ready to get her that help.

Blood is thicker than water; that’s how the saying goes. I shouldn’t have to fly in looking ready for a fight, but sometimes water flows free and blood is left to fester and rot.

My eyes locked on the cave marking the entrance high above, and I could just imagine Bitter Bite already sneering down at me. Up and up I circled, conserving my energy by mostly gliding and using thermals to rise. It was a slow journey, and I was stuck brooding for most of it. I finally made it as I landed a bit more heavily than was proper, and it drew the attention of the guards.

“Hail.” Several of them approached. Only one drew close. “Can’t say I’ve seen you before, traveler. Is that an arrow in ye knee?”

“I must be getting old, then.” It took some work, but I managed to ditch the scowl and chuckle. It helped a little, surprisingly enough, so I kept the smile going rather than dropping it. “There was a time when my wife and I were famous as troublemakers around here.”

“Is that so?” The guard cocked his brow. “If I could ask for your name and the purpose of your visit, then?”

“Tempered Mettle.” I smirked as the guards immediately perked up a bit more. Hard to say if it was my position in the Dawn Guard or my old rep still holding strong, but now they were really paying attention. “As to why I’m here, well… it’s personal, but I certainly don’t plan on spending the day in a cell, so if you’re worried about me causing trouble…”

“Sir—” Ah, so they did know the rank, at least. “—no offense, but whether you want it or not, trouble tends to find you here. I’ve seen your file. It’s required reading for everypony on the force here.”

“Still? Hah!” Throwing my head back, I gave a loud, echoing bark of laughter. “I don’t know if I should consider that a victory for me or the nobles. You’d think they’d lighten up when I only show up a few times per year at most.”

“You and your wife have made quite the impression, sir.” With a chuckle, the guard rubbed the back of his head and rustled his wings. “You may not be the type to care for the politics of it all, but the nobles are.”

“Aye, and us thestrals never forget.” With a sigh, I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “You might as well send a message ahead to get my favorite bunk ready, then. I may not be here to cause trouble, but the pony I plan on meeting might.”

“Understood, sir.” With a nod and a salute, the group of guards dispersed as their spokespony waved me in. “Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but we always get it fixed quick, don’t we?”

“You do the best you can.” I saluted back as a show of respect before mozying my way deeper in.

The caves were as twisting as ever, though there were a lot more thestrals bustling through them than twenty years ago. Foals laughed and squabbled in the early night before school, while adults were busy bustling their way towards work. There were moonfire torches everywhere rather than scattered about like drops in a pool of darkness, and I even saw a few ponies from the other tribes going this way and that.

My destination was deeper in, though, and the crowds soon thinned, as did the light. Much like Canterlot above, the old neighborhoods of the Undercity were a place where nobles lived and tried to forget the other ninety-nine percent of Equestria. They took tradition and made it borderline sedition. And sure, there was a time right after the Nightmare first came and claimed the life of Princess Luna that we thought of leaving Equestria.

But we held to the vows we made to the Nightmother. We didn’t forget why she fell, and in time we forgave those responsible.

That was the part thestral nobles conveniently forgot sometimes, and it was a big reason I was raised topside rather than down here. I could see the caves just dripping with arrogance. There were family murals that took up entire tunnels but edited out mistakes to ‘save space.’

Their estates were almost as big as their egos, taking up at least one enormous cavern—sometimes more. Where Canterlot nobles prefered stately manners, Undercity nobles built mini-fortresses to sit in the center of their domain before carving into every last wall, stalagmite, and stalactite to further expand their influence.

The largest noble clans were as big as a small village; they were those who had absorbed and consumed the smaller families in their bids for power. The size and scope of it all would be impressive if not for the fact that far too many acted with all the ‘nobility’ of spoiled swine.

And yet, here I was, before one of the biggest estates.

Young, hot-blooded mares and stallions flew in formation within the massive cavern. The armor they wore marked them of the clan, not the Equestrian Guard. I would have a lot of ponies to fight through if things went really bad, but even Bitter Bite couldn’t be that stupid.

A few flights took notice of me as I casually walked up to the gate, and they turned to bank towards a stalagmite off to the side that was clearly a barracks and office. The house guard had a training field erected there, and the youngest recruits were busy working there.

As I stopped at the gates, the guards eyed me warily. “Lord Bitter Bite has no scheduled appointments today.”

“Good.” Nodding towards the miniature castle behind the gate, I chuckled. “That just means I’ll be able to barge in with less fuss. Tell Lord Bitter Bite that Tempered Mettle is here to see him, and I’m not leaving until I do. If he says to turn me away, tell him I’m more than willing to meet him in the ring instead. This is important.”

The guards noticeably increased their numbers at my name, but they did indeed send somepony winging off to deliver my message.

Settling on my haunches with a smirk, I was content to wait while the others watched. “So, then, how’s the family, hrmmm? There must be quite the power vacuum with Mercurial just up and ousted from the clan.”

Some of the guards narrowed their eyes, while the one closest to me snorted and rustled his wings.

“You have no idea.” There was a rank of some kind decorating his shoulder, but I barely paid attention to ‘important’ house politics, much less all the nitty-gritty details dominating each and every house’s custom guard. “You would do well not to mention her in your meeting should Lord Bitter Bite meet with you.”

“Aww, now that’s a shame, ‘cause Mercy is the whole reason I’m here.” I winked.

One of the guards immediately flew off at that, while the others went from wary to tensed. “Sir—”

Odd. What a strange time to get formal. They looked about ready to leap a charging rhino.

“—I don’t know what she told you, but the rumors are just that, rumors.” The guard licked his lips and shifted his stance to be a little less attentive and a little more combative. “The staff got spooked, Miss Mercurial made a scene like she always does, and it blew a little misunderstanding way out of proportion.”

“Hrmmm…” I squinted and leaned in with what may or may not have been something between a gravelly growl and a resonant hum. “Rumors, you say? Mercy hasn’t really told me anything beyond the fact her old fart dumped her.”

“She hasn’t?” The guards all blinked. “Well, I guess that’s just more proof the maids like spreading rumors, but if you don’t know what you’re about to walk into, you should know—”

One of the other guards—a sleek and wiry mare—kicked the guy. “Shhhh! Don’t tell him!” She looked at me with awe bordering on fear. “Do you want to get beaten to a pulp? I don’t care if it’s a rumor! You’re poking a bugbear if you tell him!”

“Oi, oi, oi! Back off!” With a few hisses and swipes, the officer batted her away. “I get you’re scared, but the other option is one of the sunblasted maids telling him, and what do you think will happen then?”

Shaking my head, I chuckled. “Look, I’ve seen Bitter Bite do a lot of scummy things over the years, and what I haven’t seen, I often got to hear about when Mercy needed somepony to bitch and moan to. If she didn’t tell me, it can’t have been that bad.”

The two guards looked at each other, unsure, but before either could say anything, the messenger was back and I was being waved in.

Wait, no. It was a different messenger. The one from before had been a bit leaner.

Still, she waved me in, and with the gate open, I advanced. The guard was getting more active as the night advanced. More flights were out, and several platoons were marching in a training yard off to the side. I blinked as I received a bloody escort on my way down the main path—a platoon splitting to take to either side of me and march me in.

I was led not to the clan hall and the throne, but down through halls lined with armors and weapons of all kinds. Spears, axes, swords, and claws, it was quite a collection. The rug was a deep, bloody iron color, no doubt the kind of ‘red’ that day dwellers paid top money for. And when the weapons ran thin, there was a variety of statues, tapestries and carved reliefs to take their place.

I was being taken far deeper into the belly of the beast than I expected, and I didn’t know what to think of that. I saw a few maids, but I didn’t even have time to nod or say hi before my escort scowled and scared them away. When we finally stopped and I was let into a room, it was three floors down, and I was audibly locked in what was definitely an old prison cell for hostage nobles.

The paranoid old bat. Maybe I should ask Mercy what happened. This was a bit much, even for Bitter Bite.

Still, given it was a cell for nobles, it was pretty cozy. When I tested the couch, I found it was plush enough to sink right in. There was a downright ancient icebox in the corner—empty now, but I imagine it was good for chilling wine—and there were several shelves of books as well as an easel complete with canvas and paints. Paintings of moonlit landscapes decorated the wall, and each was skilled enough to be a window for those missing the sky.

The arch across from where I had entered led to a lavish bedroom just glittering with silver and freshly lit candles. It made my stomach squirm to look at, though, and so I stepped back out to settle on the couch to wait.

I did not have to wait long, though the thestral who entered was not the pony I was expecting. One of Bitter Bite’s wives slunk in with a look over her shoulder and a tray with a steaming kettle and tea cups balanced on one wing. Setting the tray down upon the coffee table, she refused to look at me as she prepared a cup for us both.

As she pushed my cup towards me, though, she finally looked up, and I could see how deep the lines around her eyes were from fatigue. “Honored Captain. I know our families rarely get along at the best of times, but do join me, will you? The niceties must be observed, and my husband certainly isn’t going to play along—at least, not with you.”

“Heh, well, I have a very punchable face, or so I’ve been told.” The little act of kindness had me grinning like a loon under moon as I accepted.

“Given your association with my daughter? It’s understandable.” The mare sighed. “Ah, but where are my manners? We meet so little, I don’t know if you’ll recall, but I am Lady Mist Wing, mother of Mercurial Moondust and former first wife of Lord Bitter Bite.”

“Hrmmmm…” Scratching my chin, I thought back. “I do have vague memories of a mare as pretty as you being the only one to not glare bloody murder at Morning as she was carried away by the medics after securing her right to be my wife.”

“Yes, well, day dweller or not, she fought well.” Mist Wing rustled her wings and frowned. “And unlike my husband, I prize strength above all else. That’s why I was the one who pushed our house’s claim on you back then, despite your own house being so minor; I did not care one way or the other if you still married Morning. Even before the schattenkrieg, my intel indicated she would be a strong mother, one worthy of teaching your foals.”

“Oh? Is that so?” I arched my brow. “Would have been nice to hear that years ago rather than think your whole house was nothing but a bunch of blutknallers.”

With a shrug, Mist Wing sipped her tea. “So you say, but I had my position as first wife to consider at the time, and Mercurial—bless her rebellious, little soul—continued to chase after you in part because she thought her father and I both disapproved. It was in my best interests to be a blutknaller.”

Humming, I sipped my own tea, failing to hold back my now guano-guzzling grin. “And it isn’t anymore, huh? I guess Mercy leaving really shook things up.”

“You have no idea.” Mist shook her head and tutted. “If you did, I doubt you’d be as amused. Surely you noticed the extra security? My husband has been expecting you to storm the castle for quite some time, while my sisters are all fighting over who will officially replace me as first wife. I only ever bore one foal, and without Mercy? Hah! The only reason he didn’t cast me out as well is my connections.”

Breaking her gaze away, she stared into her cup, brow furrowed. “That… is neither here nor there, however. We don’t have much time. There’s only so much the staff can do to stall my husband without invoking his wrath, and—niceties aside—you need to understand just what you walked into here.”

Chuckling, I shook my head. “You’ve given me more than a good idea what—”

“Mercy wasn’t just kicked out of the house, Captain. She had to run.”

I paused for a moment, smile shrinking, and Lady Mist Wing pressed the advantage.

“As I’m sure you’re aware, bastards are rather common among the topside nobles, but we have our fair share in the undercity as well.” Her gaze shot back up, suddenly razor sharp. “There are… systems in place for such cases, some less public than others. For mares, it is quite common to hide the pregnancy signs under illusions and dresses before giving the foal up for adoption. The usual rumors always surface, but hide it well enough and most nobles will politely look the other way.”

“Aye, and?” There was a low growl in the back of my throat, but for now that was it. I was still grinning even if it was forced. “I know well enough to know Mercy wouldn’t do that to Pushing.”

Her next sip was slow and measured as our gazes speared into each other. “Yes… little Pushing Daisies. It is an apt if morbid name, I suppose. Unfortunately, she isn’t a thestral. I have told you, however, that all I care for in my legacy is strength. The father wouldn’t have been my first choice, but he was more than adequate based on his record, no matter what my husband thinks.”

“And what does your husband think exactly? Just spit it out if we have so little time.” I tried not to loom, I did. She was playing me like a fiddle, and I could see that, but if she was implying what I thought she was implying…

“Mmm…” It was her turn to hum as she looked up at me. “I tell you this, and you must not murder my husband.”

“A statement like that isn’t exactly helping.” This time I didn’t hold back the growl.

She tsked. “Yes, but I would appreciate some restraint all the same. Don’t be stupid, and don’t declare schattenkrieg for no reason. At this juncture pressing any sort of attack will do more harm than good. It’s his word versus ours, and he will have the majority of the family back him up. I am looking into options, but—”

“Just tell me already, ya damn bat!” I stomped a hoof and snorted. There was enough drama at home with Night and the bully. I didn’t come here to add to it.

Looking up at me with her piercing gaze, Mist Wing waited until my breathing was slowed and I sat back down with a huff. “Are you calm? Good. Bite your lip, and stay that way, because when Mercy came to us, she was only here to settle her accounts and willingly drop her claim to the house. My husband didn’t want to deal with a succession crisis; he made the mistake of trying to convince her to give the foal up for adoption.”

I bit my lip hard, drawing blood as my muscles tensed.

“Yes, you can see where this is going, can’t you?” Mist Wing’s calm smile broke as she sneered and spat onto the pristine, patterned rug. “When Mercy refused, he took matters into his own hoof and tried to take the foal himself. This deep in the house where only the most loyal of our guards are allowed, there was little she could do. Fighting them all was suicide, not that she didn’t try. The only reason she got Pushing back was because the foal had a magic surge and managed to teleport to her. I got there just in time to watch my daughter run with the foal vowing bloody murder on all our heads.”

For a few seconds, the only sound was that of the rumble of thunder slowly climbing my throat. My eyes flashed like lightning as I rose to loom like a storm-cloaked mountain, but as I took my first step towards the door, Lady Mist Wing was there before me to put a hoof on my shoulder.

“Enough, Captain. Justice will not be served if you call for schattenkrieg here and now.” She glared up at me as I snorted. “You could hope for a duel to the death at most, and would that really solve anything, hrmmm? Give me time, and I will give you all that and more. I want my husband to break for this; I want him to shatter under soul-crushing despair and shame.”

Grin growing hungrier and hungrier, Mist Wing was looking less and less like a posh noble and more and more like her daughter. “When the Nightmare comes to take him, I want him to know his death is the beginning of the end for such traditions.”

It wasn’t the attempt to stop me that did so, so much as the bloodthirsty glee in her eyes as she grinned like a loon under moon.

There was already so much to take care of at home. Night needed me. Mercy needed me. Morning and the twins needed me.

Justice could wait until it wasn’t so tainted with the thirst for vengeance. Hadn’t Night just gone through that lesson herself? Fighting here and now would send the wrong message. I didn’t even know if what the mare before me was saying was true.

I needed… I needed to get out of here before I did something I regretted.

“You have nothing to fear, Lady Mist Wing.” Deep breaths, Tempered. Deep breaths. “I won’t be picking a fight today. Given what you’ve told me, though, my entire reason for being here is pointless, so I’ll just be on my—”

Of course, just as I reached the door, it opened to reveal my mortal nemesis, completely surrounded by a squad of elite guards decked from head to hoof in heavy armor and weapons. There was a pause as I looked out at him, my façade almost instantly crumbling before I even had a chance to raise it. My breaths grew heavy and almost pained as I tensed to hold myself back, and the entire lot of them took a step back as the guard clustered tighter around their lord.

“Bitter Bite.” I finally managed a nod. “Change of plans. I don’t need to see you. I don’t need to hear your venom. I just need you to understand one simple thing.” Stomping hard enough to crack the floor, I glared with all my might. “If I ever hear you or one of yours is in a two-mile radius of Ponyville after today, I will fly up here and end you, understand?”

Bitter Bite glowered from the safety of his meat shield. “If you’re referring to the rumors—”

“Ah, ah, ah! No!” I held up a hoof. “True or false, I don’t care anymore. I came out to bucking bend down and get your help if I had to, not get sucked into more family drama. You will stay away from Mercy. Period. Understand? Don’t test me on this or it will be the last thing you do. Are we clear?”

There was a tense moment of silence before Bitter Bite nodded curtly, eyes narrowing like daggers.

“You’re lucky I’ve got enough guano to dig through or I’d be tempted to call a blood feud right here and now.” With one last snarl, I started forward and they parted for me. There was no escort as I left. None dared raise my ire.

I’d made myself clear.

The flight home was… complicated. It was calm, yet I couldn’t escape the feeling it was the calm before the storm. My mind was insistent on brooding, and my soul was more than willing to take the whipping. The two pincered my body from either side to make retreat next to impossible as I tried to truly calm down.

Deep breathing? Didn’t work.

Basking in moonlight? Didn’t work.

Flying, singing, hunting, and even giggling didn’t work; curse the Pink one for her loony advice, I don’t know why I thought the last might work.

I needed snuggles, stat.

I wanted to pull Morning close and drown myself in her mane. I wanted to hug Mercy tight and whisper it was gonna be okay. I needed some sort of anchor to pull myself back, because, stars above, I was above Ponyville already, and I was still this close to flying back and taking the easy road.

I’d taken the scenic route home and flown through the night. The gray light of dawn was on the horizon, and I still could only see Bitter Bite’s smug, punchable face whenever I closed my eyes.

As soon as the house was in sight, I dove right for it, not really caring if I crashed into the front door. The only reason I stopped to put it back together was to avoid worrying the pipsqueaks, and I left a quick note for Night to have her make breakfast for the twins. It was picking the lesser of two evils to lie about it being a part of her punishment while she was suspended.

Knowing her, she’d start getting up even earlier to make breakfast every day. She wouldn’t even consider I might have meant just for today, but it was better to let her assume that than to let her in on all this.

She had enough on her plate as it was.

Speaking of, I slunk through the halls and poked in her room to smile down at her as she slept. Staying at the door, I slipped my hoof through the shadows to slip her alarm off and let her sleep in. Then, I did the same for the twins.

I hardly dared breathe through it all, my chest tight as if a single breath would unleash Discord himself. As I finally made it to my room, though, I took a deep breath and the familiar smell of mine and Morning’s personal lair finally calmed my raging heart a bit. Poking inside, I softly shut the door and turned to pounce and tackle Morning out of bed, but I paused on seeing another figure snuggled up quietly under Morning’s wing.

Mercy looked… small… as she slept. Without the ever-present cocky and guano-guzzling grin, she took up a lot less of the room. Sure, she had the bite to back up her bark, but here and now—seeing her with her guard down—all I could see was the stuff she tried to cover up. She was the one pressing into Morning to be held tight.

It was a stark contrast to just about everything I thought of when I thought of Mercy. It was… not wrong, but… jarring?

Mercy was meant to laugh in the face of danger and charge forward when others were smart enough to turn tail and run. If there was one pony I could count on to face impossible odds with me, it was supposed to be her.

Morning, bless her star-touched soul, was the one I trusted to get everypony out and keep them safe. She was the one who would grit her teeth and leave the Princess to her duties, because that’s what the Dawn Guard does; we leave the apocalypse to the Princess, and we make sure the poor schmucks caught up in it stay safe. We weren’t meant to get involved, and yet…

If only one of us had to stay behind and buy Princess Twilight time… between Morning or I, we both knew it would be me.

Sinking into the bed with a heavy, rumbling sigh, I wrapped the sleeping duo in a massive hug. Nightmother above, I couldn’t even think about it. A spear to the heart in service would be preferable to thinking about life without Morning.

“Naughty girls, cuddling without me.” My growl was less than half-hearted, my eyebrows barely waggled. “Get over here and share some of that with me. I’ve been through Tartarus and back.”

Morning groaned as she stirred and buried herself in my floof. “Mrgmrff… Tempered? What time is it? The two of us stayed up until two in the morning waiting for you.”

“Did you now?” My heart fluttered a bit as I gently pecked her, but it was the good kind of flutter. “You sure that had nothing to do with your advanced cuddling session? I take it the steely-eyed mare on a mission insisted on still going through with the date after it was canceled the first time?”

“She did, but it was actually Night who sold me on the idea.” Morning mumbled as she rested her head on my chest. “All things considered… it wasn’t that bad.”

“‘Wasn’t that bad’? Ha!” And the cocky grin was back. There was no sign of the mare Mercy had been moments before as she salaciously rubbed against me. There was… a surprising show of restraint for a mare that loved getting her hooves everywhere. “From where I’m sitting, it went about as well as I could expect. With you two having slowed to the speed of flooding molasses, I thought I’d need way more than a single date to end up between the sheets with you.”

“Mercy, don’t read into it too much.” Morning shook her head. “You know it’s not like that, and you still have a long way to go. Tempered should know better than to have jumped in. What if Night or the twins see?”

“Don’t care right now.” I hugged tighter. “I need cuddles now, and Mercy needs them even more.”

“Well, well, I don’t know about cuddles, but I certainly need something~” Damn it, Mercy.

Leveling her a look, I shut Mercy up with a little peck to her forehead. “Shush, you. I just got back from your father’s, and I’m not in the mood to play that way. We are gonna have a talk in a few, but for now both of you just drown me in cuddles. I wanna remember the good old days, when the biggest piece of drama I had to worry about was sneaking salts into the barracks. Remember those days? Remember getting good and smashed and just relaxing in a pony pile while staring at our hooves?”

Morning had gone quiet after I’d kissed Mercy’s forehead. Buck. Was she mad? I hadn’t meant it like—

Ohhhh… that’s the ticket. Nevermind. No way she was angry if she was nuzzling like that. “What happened?”

“You did what?!” Mercy—on the other hoof—squeaked shrilly and loudly. Suddenly grabbing me tight, I wasn’t sure if it was an attempt to hug me or strangle me. Seemed like both with how she was shivering. “Why the buck would you—”

Resting my forehead against Mercy’s, this time I didn’t tempt fate. “Look, Mercy, you are family here. Second wife or not, we will take care of you. I was going to go see about getting your father to help. Maybe it would’ve meant bending down on one knee, or maybe it would’ve meant a bout in the ring, but that’s what I went in thinking.”

Morning pulled her head back to look between me and the quivering Mercy. “Tempered… What. Happened?” Her brow furrowed as a feathered wing stroked Mercy’s back.

“Did he try anything?! Did he—” Mercy’s grip tightened to the point I could hear bones grinding. “Did he say anything?”

I gave a long, deep hum as I gathered the shadows around us to give Mercy some way to keep her pride. Her face was starting to get damp, and I didn’t want her pulling away in embarrassment; even I couldn’t see as I finished. My own wings rustled as Morning added her other wing to the mix, the feathers tickling my barrel as she brushed my side in comfort.

“Heh… I didn’t give him a chance.” Within the warm, solid darkness, I clicked to find Mercy’s face and wiped her tears away. “As it turns out, rumors are flying after you left, and your mother was particularly bloodthirsty as she told me the worst of the lot. I was… just about as ready to kill your father as she was after she told me, but I needed to hear what happened from you.”

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, my tail twitched as I ran a hoof through her mane. “You don’t need to give me details if it’s too hard to. Just tell me if what your mother said is true. Did Bitter Bite try to take Pushing from you?”

There was a moment of silence as Mercy and Morning let my words weigh in the air.

Mercy, Nightmother bless her soul, couldn’t speak at first. She just nodded into my chest and started to sniffle.

Morning, on the other hoof, stiffened against me with a gasp that steadily transitioned into a growl. “The motherbucking cunt did what now, Tempered?” She thwapped me with a wing. “And you bucking walked away?! Of all the times for you to show restraint, you picked—”

Her lips were still soft despite the edge to her voice. “I know, I know. Trust me, I love having your approval to rip him a new one, dear, but think of everything Night is going through. I don’t want to send her the wrong message.”

Wings rustling violently as she took a deep breath, Morning’s voice was thankfully back to being hushed. “You still could have taken this to the day courts.”

“Day courts? Morning, I wasn’t there when the kidnapping happened. I have no proof or means to press charges. Mercy could press charges—” Yet she wouldn’t if the increase in shivering was anything to go by. “—but it would be her word versus most of her family. Those not in the know just think it’s a rumor. Do you wanna waste the one shot we get on a coin flip of who cries wolf loudest?”

Pulling Morning closer, I rested my head atop hers, guiding it to Mercy so Morning could feel how the other mare was desperately nuzzling my chest. On feeling Morning, Mercy jumped ship to nuzzle up into the crook of her neck.

“Our best shot is to wait, Morning.” Closing my eyes, I could still see Bitter Bite’s face, but the urge to lunge for the throat was good and buried under the desire to snuggle. “Mercy’s mother is looking into what options there are. She wants more than a duel to the death over this; she wants to make a statement that the noble clans will remember for a long time to come. Give her some time, and let me ask Princess Luna for advice. I don’t wanna drag her into this, but she might know something we don’t at the very least.”

When Morning opened her mouth with a harsh inhale of breath, I gently cut her off with a squeeze. “We have time, Morning. Statute of limitations is a thing, and I don’t think Bitter Bite will have the stones to come down and try anything after I threatened him on my way out.”

“Y-you… You what?” It was easy to see that Mercy was not used to crying. She was extra-snotty, and she struggled with speaking. All the emotion flooded out without control. She clutched both me and Morning tight, all pretense of cockiness gone. Whatever fight she’d had had bled out of her, and now she tried to strangle me for a different reason.

“I made it quite clear to your father that you were to be given space, dear.” I gave the lightest of squeezes to encourage her to lean even more into me and Morning. “He won’t be bothering you out here, and you’re free to raise Pushing in peace. Your mother said you fled promising bloody murder, but I can only imagine how terrifying the thought of losing your last connection to Checkmate would have been. You don’t have to ever see your father again if you don’t want to.”

I risked another kiss. “We are family, and blood is thicker than water. I will gladly make Bitter Bite pay for you; you should focus on being happy and out of his shadow.”

“D-dummy—” Half-sob, half-snort, Mercy slugged my chest. “—the saying doesn’t work when we aren’t family family.”

“And if I offered to do a blood rite and make that bit official?” It was Morning who offered first, and that made me smile. “I still don’t know about making you a second wife, but a sister? Mercy… Mettle and I would do just about anything for you.”

“Morning, I—” With a strangled choke, Mercy released her grip on me to clutch Morning. “Pushing was so scared. No matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t reach her, and she just kept crying and crying, and— and— Nightmother above, I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t surged. I couldn’t reach her; I couldn’t protect her; I was gonna fail her just like I did her father, like I fail everypony!”

“Shu-shu-shu-shu-shush…” Morning wrapped Mercy in a second wing hug. “Don’t spiral. I know you’re stronger than that. You may be brass, bold, and even reckless, but I would never, ever call you a failure. I don’t care that you’re a loose cannon. I don’t care that you’re a troublemaker. When push comes to shove, I have more faith in you than most ponies I know.”

Rolling on my side, I settled in to wrap around Morning as she curled around Mercy. Their voices dropped from whispers to the barest murmurs of sound, and I did my best to give the two privacy as I played the role of best rock.

As much as I wanted to crush Mercy in my hooves, it was… probably for the best. I’d pushed the boundaries as it was, and Morning was able to console Mercy as one mother to another.

No, it was better I rest my head on Morning’s body and let myself get distracted by clicking at the pair of shapely rears before me. Let the two nuzzle in peace. My job was simply to be there.

Time passed. I don’t know how much.

It was hard to keep track when well-distracted.

It was about the time a loud and panicked screep rang through the house from Night’s room, though, that I knew I’d have to move soon enough. “Why is it so bucking late?! Sunblasted, guano-guzzling twerps! I swear if they turned my alarm off again!”

“Mrgrmmff…” Wrapping tighter around Morning and Mercy, I put off the inevitable for another fifteen minutes or so. Two whole snoozes. That was all I was ever allowed. No point in breaking that habit now.

Once. Twice. My tail whip cracked against my favorite, Glorious body pillow. Might have been just a little inappropriate to be tapping that flank right now, and I could feel Morning’s glare burning a hole in my coat, even in the darkness.

But it was worth annoying her to get Mercy to giggle.

It helped, and that was all that mattered as I left the two to their cuddling and rose to go take a shower. Hopefully, Princess Twilight would forgive me for being late. Was always a mixed bag with her. On the one hoof, I was tardy. On the other, I had a friendship problem to deal with. Best not to tempt fate more than necessary, though, so I showered as quickly as possible and sauntered into the kitchen to see how my little super soldier was holding out.

It was… a not-quite war zone as I stepped through the door to find a rather frazzled Night at the stove and frying a hash of hay, potatoes, and crickets. Red and Rolling were poking into just about everything, and Night had to keep moving to intercept them before they could do any real damage. Honestly, it wouldn’t have been so bad to let them bang some pots to their hearts' content, but Night was the cook right now. It was her kitchen and her rules.

“Morning, squirts.” I smirked.

“Dad!” The twins rushed up to hug me, while Night turned and started forward only to hold back.

“Are you alright?” Poor, sweet Nightingale… She was so adorable when she squirmed; I wished it wasn’t because of all the guano hitting the fan. “I thought I heard screeping before I got up.”

“Mmm… I’m about as well as I can be, Night. Was just having a talk with your mother and Mercy.” I made sure to properly distract the twins with a bit of roughhousing as I looked between them and Night.

“Is Aunt Mercy in trouble, then? The date wasn’t over by the time I put everypony to sleep. Did she… did she try something?”

“Heh, heh, no, kiddo. There was no excessive use of cooties. Just a bit of cuddles as we made sure your Aunt knew she was welcome here.” I ruffled Rolling’s mane as he tried and failed to bite me, but my eyes were on Night’s. “Wanted to make sure she knew Ponyville was the best place for her and Pushing.”

“Okay…” She bit her lip and looked back to the hash with a frown. It sizzled and crackled as I breathed deep of spuds and other goodies. As my ears flicked, I heard the distant giggle of two mares having a splash war with their wings in the shower, and a ghost of a smile crossed my face.

Looks like the family just… got a little more batty.

Author's Note

This... is actually something I've been considering for Mercy for a while believe it or not. Her chapters in She Drives Me Batty are peppered with all sorts of small and subtle hints that were going to lead up to the big reveal this chapter before I realized that this bit wasn't something I should cover from Night's perspective, especially considering people's reaction to the thing currently going on with Crusty in the main story. It's just too much shit for Night to handle at once, so some of it needs to happen outside her perspective.

Love is War (Diamond)

“Finally.” Putting the brush down, I smiled in the candlelit mirror and perfection smiled back. It was a carefully crafted lie—one I’d spun a million times before and one I would continue to spin until the day I died.

A lady’s reputation was built on her looks, after all. At the very least, I was going to look the part. Acting the part? I was still figuring that out; I probably always would be. I had the looks down pat, though, and I made sure every filly and colt in Ponyville knew it.

With my makeup and mane taken care of, I carefully picked up my Diamond Tiara™ and set it in its proper place. As I sashayed out the bathroom door, I found my fillyfriend lazing in her bed and reading a book of some kind. She was very pointedly not looking in my direction, the faintest of blushes on her cheeks, but I could see her ears swivel as they tracked me.

“Oh, Night~ I’m ready~” With my most ladylike titter, I slipped up to her and between our two beds so I could lean in to whisper in her ear. “Aren’t you gonna look at all my hard work before we go out? Or are you only avoiding my gaze because you’ve been sneaking clicks at my flank this whole time~?”

“Screep!” The poor, little, adorable foal looked up with the most preciously wide eyes as she snapped her book shut and backpedaled to the other side of her bed. Looking back over her shoulder at the entrance to our cozy little cave, she first squirmed, then frowned before taking a deep breath and putting on one of her ‘Guard’ faces. “Don’t scare me like that, Diamond. I don’t want to disturb any of the other guests. This is a Cave Inn not some sleepover at home.”

“Teehee! I know! You and me with a room all to ourselves~” My grin grew as she forced herself to keep her composure.

“A room right next to Mom and Dad’s.” Night snorted and tossed her head back. “They’ll know if we try anything funny.”

“And you act like they wouldn’t want us trying anything funny. Your Dad tried to buy us the volcanic hideaway suite instead.” I poked her chest. “You turned down not just free but private hot springs for our whole weekend getaway. I am allowed to tease you as punishment, hrmmm?” Leaning in to peck her cheeks, I finally pulled back to give the poor dear her breather. “Now, are you really gonna take me out looking like that?”

“Looking like what?” Blinking bemusedly and still a bit starry-eyed from me being so close, Night looked down at herself. “I look just fine.”

She looked more than fine, really, but that wasn’t the point. Sure, her coat was the perfect shade of grey that she could get by looking scruffy and rugged or smooth and silken. Sure, her mane was one of those cursed few that managed to keep a fairy tale windswept look no matter what she did to it. My fair, sweet Nightingale wasn’t the type of mare to need to slave away at a mirror for hours on end to look just right, but I’d be damned if I was going to let her get away without doing anything on a date night.

Giving a great and heavy sigh, I crawled onto her bed and prepared to punish her once more. “Wrong answer, my dear. If you really can’t tell, though, I’ll just need to get you ready myself. Careful not to squirm too much or you’ll mess up all the attention I just gave my coat~” I pressed close, tail swishing over to my bags to grab my emergency brush. The bathroom was much too far away—I had a point in need of making now. Raking it through her mane was a simple task, and so I was free to devote most of the next ten minutes to shamelessly making sure she was stiff as a board.

Night squeaked a few times, and purred at others. One time she growled, but it was a good growl, not a bad one. Sweet Celestia, it would be nice to hear that growl more often, but a lady was nothing if not patient. I could wait for my knight to be ready. To do otherwise would cause nothing but scandal.

Once I finished with her mane and tail, I cracked my tail against her flank and pulled back. “There, that’ll do. Now, where oh where art thou taking me, noble knight?”

“Well, I do have a bit of a surprise for you later, but… I thought you might like to go on a bit of a walk?” Night’s face was guarded as she gave a small, almost invisible smile. “Mom loves visiting here. It, uh… gives her an excuse to stay extra close to Dad.”

“Mmm… I can certainly see the appeal.” Hiding my smile behind one hoof, I giggled as Night stood and stretched in the candlelight.

Cozying up to her, I slipped under her stretching wing to let it wrap around me. It fell easily, no rustling or fuss of any kind. I slipped it around me as casually as any other dress or cloak I’d worn a million times before. Warm as always—I could never tell how much of that heat was her and how much was me—my heart fluttered as we walked out and into the blackness of the unknown.

We were on the third floor, and the only distinct shapes to be had were the railings that looked out into the large and echoing lobby, and the curtained entrances to other caves in the wall.

“Get ready for the tricky part.” Night nipped my ear and held out a hoof to stop me. “Stairs are just ahead. If you want me to carry you like last ti—”

“I am perfectly capable of doing this!” I instantly bopped her nose. “If your Mom can do it, I can.”

“Mom flies up to the room, Princess.”

“And? She would take the stairs if she were an earth pony!” I huffed.

“If you say so, Diamond, but stick extra close, then, hrmmm?” The smirk was audible as Night pressed closer and squeezed her wing tight. My ears swiveled and strained as she gently guided me to a staircase and led me down it with utmost care. It was absolutely and utterly terrifying, and I bit my lip hard, unable to stop from shaking with every step.

In the end, we made it down, though, and I was rewarded with a happy purr from Night as she nuzzled me. “You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“Oh, I think we both know I did.” Back on a level floor, it was easy to smirk at Night.

“Mmmm… whether you play at being tough as nails or a damsel in distress, you’re still as cute as a button.” Nipping my ear a little harder than before, Night entwined her tail in mine. “You should have just let me have that one and saved yourself the risk.”

“I knew you’d catch me if I fell.” Bumping my hip against hers, I laughed to hide how loud my heart was still pounding in my ears. “Maybe next time you should just sweep me off my hooves and take me without even asking?”

“Aye. Maybe I should.”

Hook, line, and sinker. Now to just count back from ten and see how long it took her to—

“Errrr… W-wait a minute. I didn’t mean it like that.” And there it was.

Giggling, I reached up to pat Night’s cheek. “You rarely ever do. Now get your mind out of the gutter. We have a walk to go on.”

“Me?” With a huff of her own, my marefriend half-frowned, half-smiled. “You’re the one who just never quits teasing.”

“Once a bully, always a bully.” Sticking my snoot up high, I gave a perfectly practiced laugh. “I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again. If you have a problem with it, then maybe you ought to put me in my place.”

Ahhh, that one always got her. Every. Single. Time. I couldn’t use it too often, but it was always worth the wait to see her response.

It was so sinfully delicious to watch her eyes widen and her emotions war inside her.

But alas, my knight was too honorable to take advantage of the invitation, as always. There was no being swept off my hooves. I wasn’t flown back to the room and punished. No, all I got was the joy of watching her squirm, and that cooled when I gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek and a nudge to the shoulder.

“Your damsel in distress is waiting for you to lead on, love.” That got her going again. Always did and always would. Best way to fix a broken toy soldier was to wind it back up and remind it of its mission.

Night easily jumped at the reminder, pulling me close again and leading on like I hadn’t scored a major hit.

Even the lobby of the inn was dark and indistinct as Night led me through it. I could barely make out the outlines of shadowy figures coming and going. They flitted about in the darkness, little more than blurs of motion at a distance.

My knight in shadowed armor pulled and nudged me with gentle firmness out into the city, and my heart only pounded more as we traversed the darkened streets of the Undercity. At first we had at least a few silvery torches and glowing mushrooms to guide us by, but Night quickly stole me deeper into the mountain where few daydwellers ever tread.

The deeper we went, the more thestrals there were, and the blurs of motion in the darkness would turn almost dizzying as I pressed close to Night and let her lead on. My ears swiveled at every little whoosh of air and every clack of a pebble. Quiet as it was, every sound seemed to explode in the silence. A drop of water from the stalactites would crash into the ground like a waterfall breaking upon the earth.

It was rare for words to be exchanged at a volume I could hear, with most thestrals mumbling quietly to what I assumed were others. A few shopkeepers were polite enough to talk at levels I could hear, but Night was always quick to remind me we had plans before I could pull out my purse and go feeling about in the dark. A quick nip of my ear and a purr about coming back later were all it took for me to melt back against her and move on.

I pouted as she teased me more and more in her own way. Our meandering walk took us past tailors, jewelers, salons, and more. Once we passed a spa, and while nopony was out and acting as a crier for their services, I could smell the hot springs and feel the steam leaking out of the cavern entrance.

“Night~” With my most piteous whine, it was my turn to nibble her ear. “I do so love walking with you, but I can’t wait anymore. Come on. Let me buy something.”

Nightingale chuckled as she pecked my cheek in retaliation. “No. We’re running a little late as it is. Perhaps if you had taken less time to get ready?”

“Or maybe you should have taken a less scenic route.” I grinned up blindly at her.

“Mmm… You saw through that, huh? How could I not, though? The sound of your heart fluttering is just too perfect not to savor.”

“It is, huh? And just what else about me do you find flawless, hrmm~?” Keeping my gaze locked on the outline of her head, I fluttered my lashes and smirked as the stars in my eyes were reflected by her slitted purple irises.

“Heh… What’s not to find flawless? Your silken coat? Your silver tongue? Your voice is a balm for the soul and your flank is candy for the ears~” Night squeezed her wing and I shivered at her words. Really, it was a wonder I had any patience left after all this time. Whenever she wasn’t a nervous wreck, she was just so…

“Ah! We’re here, Princess!” And there she went, scattering my latest schemes down the drain. She wielded neither passion nor charm nor guile as her weapon. She was simply herself as always. This time it was nothing more than a simple, heartfelt nuzzle as she ushered me inside, but that was all it took sometimes. All my thoughts and plans on getting her to take the next step—few of which were classy or ladylike at the moment—evaporated into thin air.

She was being nothing but the gallant knight, and I had almost let my nobility and grace slip away.

A lady was nothing if not patient. Jumping her before she was ready would do no good. Toe the line. Bend it. Tease it maybe. Take it to the edge of breaking and no more. Nightingale would be the one to make the move when she was ready. Acting in haste would do nothing but hurt in the long run.

Yes, yes… focus on the long-term investment just like Daddy always said. Sure, I could do something drastic to get her where I wanted, but having a throne to sit on was far less appealing than a strong and commanding knight. It was far too risky to try.

“Errr… Diamond? Equus to Diamond?” Night’s voice pierced through my still scrambling thoughts.

Huh? What? Oh! Horseapples. I should have been listening.

“Yes, love?” My smile was immediately back to sparkling.

“Are you happy with your surprise? You’ve just kind of been standing there.” Pressed against Night as I was, I could feel her shoulders slump at her words.

“Screeheehee! I don’t know that she even heard you, Night.” That voice was… Echo’s? “She seemed pretty distracted when you dragged her in. What did you do to her, I wonder~?”

“Heh… it was nothing more than normal and way less than you and Fang boast about.” Night squirmed just a little against me, so little I doubted Echo could even see it.

“Teehee!” Time to regain control of the situation. “Honestly, Echo, you give Night too much credit. The poor dear is still too shy to make The Move, after all. I was merely…” Hiding my smile behind my hoof was always a good way to make Night sweat, but it was hard to hide it fully with how large my grin was. “…scheming on how to best nudge her into action.”

“Screep!”

There it was. Between Night’s squeak and Echo’s titter, my mission was accomplished. It would be nice to actually be able to see my marefriend’s face, though.

“Is that so?” Oh, thank Celestia, Echo was lighting a candelabra. I was starting to think this whole surprise was going to take place in the dark. Casting my eyes about as the cave was slowly lit, it was pretty clear Night had taken me to her friend’s house and workshop. “Well, come on in! My house is your house!”

Finished works stood in stoney silence at various points in the storefront, and each was exquisitely carved. The stone itself looked as smooth as silk, the ponies and other creatures so real and lifelike I could swear if I reached out I’d feel nothing but fur or feathers.

One carving of an owl dangled from the ceiling, a bird of prey so meticulously carved that I actually stepped back on instinct. Its eyes glittered with topaz in the dim candlelight, and it was perfectly posed to be swooping down to attack its prey.

Echo yawned as we followed her from the storefront back into the living room. Unlike the storefront, the living room was absolutely spotless and pristine. It almost seemed weirdly so, but as I cast my gaze about, I found antique furniture, a bowl of expensive candies on the coffee table, and shelves loaded with tea sets lining the walls.

“Wow, uh… Nice place? Not exactly what I expected of you and Fang.” Oh, poor, sweet Nightingale. She didn’t get it, did she?

Echo laughed as she moved to pick up a plain, serviceable mug from the table. “Not what I was expecting, either, but we needed a room to meet with any nobles wanting to commision me, so we have to make do without a normal living room.” With a shrug, she gave us a mischievous smile. “It gives us an excuse to get the most out of the bedroom, at least.”

“Mhmm.” With a nod, I carefully settled down on the couch. “Presentation is everything when you have clients like that. Daddy once said he’d actually prefer just a single smaller house if he could afford it, but…” I waved a hoof in a circle trying to find the words. “It would have hurt his image to downgrade after my whorse of a mom left? Even if all our houses are kinda lonely with just him, Randolph, and me, consolidating down would just come off the wrong way at this point.”

With an imperious sniff, I rolled my eyes. “At least, it would come off wrong to all the shallow ponies out there who like to hoard wealth and status like my mom.” My bitter sneer turned into a smile as a tea kettle’s whistle echoed from deeper in, and as Echo rushed off to come back with one of the fancy tea sets to pour me a cuppa and give Night her own mug of coffee. “You’ve got good taste and service, though, if you’re starting the kettle before every meeting. I just feel bad over how much this room must have cost you just so you could start getting commissions. I’ll make sure Daddy starts recommending you at business meetings.”

“Really? That would… That would mean a lot.” Echo’s playful smile melted into something warm and wholesome.

The tea was delicious and cozy in the candlelit room, a very good blend, though not an expensive one. “Well, I mean, I’m assuming my surprise is a commission at this point.” I turned to look at Night with an arched brow and when she nodded, I brought my smile back to Echo. “There’s no reason not to help you out and spread the word.”

“That’s so nice to hear! Thank you, Diamond!” As Echo swept me up in a hug, she trapped me in a vice grip. Discord damned, training obsessed thestrals. She was thin as a whip, but that just left me feeling like I was being strangled by an anaconda. “Screeheehee! Oh, this is going to be the best! I’m sure that’ll get me all kinds of offers! Honestly, it might leave me too busy since my dad is insisting I finish school this year, but that’s a problem for future me!

“For now, all I gotta do is focus on carving you the single best life-sized sculpture I’ve ever made!”

A lady does not spit take, and so I daintily paused, counted to five in my head, and then finished sipping my tea. Setting my cup down, I glanced up at my knight in shadowed armor, and she had the decency to blush and scratch the back of her head.

“Too much?” She finally managed a grin and a chuckle.

“I was going to say not enough.” My smile was small; my eyes glittered as I made sure my lashes were just so. “Not if you were hoping to make a crack at me. We both know my ego is bigger than that.”

Looking back at Echo, I resumed sipping tea. “Now, then. You want a life size statue, so I assume you need me to pose?”

“More or less!” With a big, horseapple-eating grin, she nodded. “With any luck, I’ll have everything I need by the time we’re done, but I can’t guarantee that. Everypony sounds different, but some have subtler timbres than others.”

“Timbres?” My ear flicked as I cocked my head.

“Teehee! It’s like pitch or frequency but more shady and mysterious.” Echo reached in her smock to pull out a notebook. “Timbre is kinda where you lump all the weird things that make sounds unique together. Think of it like a pony’s sound signature.”

Licking her lips, Echo slunk forward to coo softly at me. “Of course, getting an idea of what I need for a whole statue off of one click is silly. When you’re ready, I’ll be lashing this tongue of mine all over that pretty body of yours like a whip.”

“How fun.” Giving her my best smile, I tittered. Rolling with that little comment would surely leave my knight rustling her wings like mad.

Just. Like. That.

Yes, dance for me, Nightingale Mooncrest. Dance to my whims. If I have my way, this little gift of yours will give you a nose bleed every time you see it.

Oh… but there were so many ways to do that—so many poses for my statue to have. Should I go for something radiant and stick it outside my house? Or should I go for something a little more risque and have Daddy build another wing to the mansion’s art gallery to store it in?

Mmm… with the former I could tease her mercilessly in front of witnesses, while the latter—being a gallery—gave me an excuse to take a picture of her reaction every single time. I could hang them up, and make them their own piece, a dedication to our young, puppy love.

Finishing my cup, I set it down in its saucer and rose from the couch. “Let’s start, shall we? Where would you like me to pose for you?”

“My actual studio is right this way and further in.” Echo waved a hoof for us to follow, jotting notes all the while. Her tongue clicked on occasion, but given how frantic her notes were, I’d bet good bits she was whipping out a supersonic storm.

“Gotta give you credit, Night!” Echo paused in her notes to laugh as we were led back and down some little caves in the back of the house, trudging down into what looked like a quarry full of pony-sized blocks of rock. “You sure know how to pick ‘em. She walks with more grace than half the nobles I’ve met. I’m looking forward to seeing what she sounds like standing still.”

“I call her my princess for a reason.” Night took deep breaths as we walked to regain her cool, and by the time we were led before a podium for me to pose on she was back to little more than a ghost of a smile and mischievous eyes. It wasn’t quite a full-on Guard face, but she was preparing herself.

If only she knew what I had in store.

Hopping up on the podium, I started with the classic. Head reared back and held high, I angled my head down and hid a smile behind one hoof. My eyes were half-lidded as the podium let me look down on my big, fearsome knight for once, and though it got her to blush, Night’s stoic façade otherwise stood.

I was going to have to try harder than that.

From one pose to the next, Echo was happy to wait and let me figure out what I wanted. She knew what I was after. I could see her sneaking glances at Night’s reactions even as she took notes and clicked like mad for every pose. Sometimes she even helped me, suggesting I twist or move some part of my body just so.

For the most part, my marefriend contained herself, though, and so eventually I resorted to my secret weapon, just to see how she would react. There was no couch down here to really sell it, but the podium was just large enough that I could lay myself upon it and pose like one of those Prench mares.

The result was… most immediate and satisfying as Nightingale gave a good, hard gulp and looked away with madly rustling wings. Not a full-on route as she would call it, but I had most definitely won with this pose.

Which is why it was a shame I couldn’t use it. Daddy would kill me if I—

“Oh! That’s perfect! Stay just like that!” Echo burst into a frenzy of movement, circling around me and launching click after click with her tongue as she furiously scribbled. If I tried to move, her shadow reached out to nudge me firmly back in place, and she listened to neither Night’s protests nor mine. “No, no! That’s the perfect pose for a perfect mare! Trust me on that! I’ll even give you two statues for the price of one if it's that embarrassing, but I am using this inspiration!”

Tossing her head back, the artisan tittered like some mad scientist. “You made your bed, now lie in it!”

“What?! No…” I attempted to whine at Night, but Echo’s shadow insistently poked me until I behaved and made the pout saucy instead of cute. “Night! Tell Echo to stop being mean. I don’t need a free statue if it’ll just make Daddy angry.”

“You brought this upon yourself, dear.” As much as Night attempted to take the high road and address me stoically, I could see what thoughts were really in her head as her eyes lingered on me and she gave the tiniest smile. “Besides, it would be rude to refuse such… generosity. If you really are against it, though, I suppose I might just keep the second one all to myself in my room.”

Such boldness. Why was it suddenly so hot? “I-I can’t even— Nightingale Mooncrest, how could you? A knight is supposed to protect their princess’s decency! Help me! Save me! Free me from these shadowy chains!”

My oh-so-noble knight’s smile rose another fraction of a millimeter. It was nothing an untrained eye would notice, but it sent shivers down my spine. I knew what that look meant.

“No.” She said just one word.

And yet… that one single word was like a death knell from her. Strong, firm, and with utter conviction, I would break myself bashing against that rock.

“…Fine.” A ladylike growl purred its way from my throat as I relented, my mind already whirling for ways to win the next battle in this most wonderful war of love.

Author's Note

I doubt I'll use Diamonds PoV too much as her voice seems the kind best savored in small doses, but this was definitely one of my favorite things to write in a while. Trying to capture the essence of "lovingly manipulative" was fun as heck, and it really gets across how Diamond is still struggling to channel her inner bully into better avenues.

Old Clicker (Tempered)

The new recruit stared me down with a cocky grin bordering on a sneer. The dossier on the desk before me was full of so many black marks that it barely had room for the name King Cobra, and Princess Twilight had given me her own personal report to go with it.

That was never a good sign.

I leafed through the Princess’s hard work, and only years of training stopped me from rubbing the bags under my eyes and sighing. “It’s rare for us to think about taking in a private. If it were up to your record alone, I’d boot you out right here and now with your history. Princess Twilight seems to think we might be able to salvage you, though.”

“Salvage me, huh? And how does the Princess plan on that, sir? I don’t do friends unless they come with benefits.”

Oh, sweet Luna, the way his smirk grew as he said that. Bless Twilight’s dorky, little soul. Taking in all the good misfits I understood, but it was ponies like the schweinhund in front of me that really made me question her so-called smarts sometimes.

“You do know you’re still on probation, right?” I bared my fangs at him, but he just laughed it away.

“What are you, her dad? I’m always on probation. That’s nothing new.”

“Oh really? You do know that if you mess up here, you’re getting discharged. This is the last of far too many chances.” I stood from my seat and put my forehooves on the desk, leaning over it to look down and glower at the little snake.

“Last chance to bang a princess, maybe, but I got other options.” Cobra shrugged and rustled his leathery wings. “Got a couple invites from the personal guards in the Undercity, and I know the folks back home actually value a good scrap. Honestly, I should have enlisted there like my parents wanted.”

I blinked before settling back to start reading Princess Twilight’s report a little more carefully. “Where are you from, Private?”

“Griffonstone.”

“Raised by griffons?”

“No, sir. Raised by wolves.”

“Answer the question.”

“Thestrals, sir. I'm the first generation of a new colony.” He sighed with all the ire of a pony who’d had to explain that far too often. “And to answer your next question, no, I don’t know if my blood is ‘pure.’”

“Why do you think I’d want to ask about that?” I arched my brow.

“Cause that’s what all the nobles in the Undercity asked?” He rolled his eyes.

“Pfft. You’re in Ponyville now, private. Things are a little different here..” Flipping the picture frame holding one of several family portraits around, I tapped the beaming image of Morning. “That’s my wife and your co-captain. You ever suggest we’re like those blutknallers, and she will make you eat dirt.”

“You’re saying that damn fine piece of flank can fight?”

A bit of chuckling wiped the smirk off his face. “Speaking from experience, she gives as good as she gets. If you don’t believe me, Private, you can find out for yourself when she gets back from her month of leave. Just try to lay a click on her, and she’ll hoof you your ass on a silver platter.”

“That only tempts me more, you know.”

“Of course, it does. Princess Twilight wouldn’t risk her neck to pick you if you were even close to sane.” I closed his file and dropped it on my desk, groaning as I stretched and sat back. “Your funeral if you do, though; don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I let him stew as I kicked back and closed my eyes. He had enough discipline to stand there, waiting, but I could hear him grinding his fangs. Finally, I lazily opened a single eye and smirked at him. “No need to stick around. You’re already dismissed. Go meet your new mates in the barracks, and we’ll see whether or not you're a good fit over the next few days.”

Cobra grumbled as he left, but hopefully he had a better idea about just how differently the Dawn Guard did things.

A few moments of peace and quiet were all I got before Tempest Storm stomped inside the office snorting steam. Sparks danced and crackled off of her broken horn, and the way she glared over her shoulder and out the door spoke volumes.

“I take it you met the new recruit?” I hoofed her the dossier to browse.

“Met him. Slapped him. Told him if he hit on me again, he’d really get to ride the lightning.” She angrily flipped through the papers, only stopping to glare at the occasional picture.

“That’s certainly one way to press charges.”

“Shut up, sir.”

“I’ll take him off your squad if you don’t think you’re up for breaking him in.”

“I haven’t met a pony I couldn’t break yet, sir. You know that.”

“There’s a first time for everything, Sparky.” I didn’t even flinch as the nickname earned me a warning shot. “You look at his track record, and every single fight he picked was with a mare or stallion twice his size. The only thing bigger than his ego is his craving for punishment. If he gets a kick out of having you step all over him, we might need to transfer him over to Glimmer’s squad.”

“You think that will be any better?” Tempest threw her head back to scoff.

“I didn’t offer because it would be better. I’m offering as a friend. If you don’t want to deal with him, I’ll call him a lost cause and dump him on Glimmer. I honestly don’t think we’ll be keeping him. He sounds like the kind of idiot I might’ve been without Morning.”

Tempest squinted over at me, frowning. “That’s rather harsh on yourself, sir.”

“Is it?” I laughed even as I sagged backwards. “I don’t know. He made me feel like I was looking in a mirror that could turn back time, and buck did it make me feel old.”

“Old, sir? You still hit just as hard as the day we met.” She rubbed her chestplate where I’d bucked it earlier in a practice match.

“Aye. I hit just as hard, sure,but I used to be able to go three whole days without sleep and just laugh it off like an idiot.” I rolled my shoulder and gave it a good, loud pop. “Can’t laugh off pain anywhere near as well, either.”

With another snort, Tempest closed Cobra’s file and slipped it in her saddlebags. “I warned you I had a new trick to get out of grapples. Most ponies can’t laugh off almost dislocating a shoulder.”

“Yeah? Well, I was able to laugh off broken bones.” A growl rumbled in my chest as I shook my foreleg a bit more. Walking to the door, I followed Tempest out and down the hall. “Used to be that I didn’t even feel it while the adrenaline was pumping.”

We passed more than a few guards as we carried on down the hall. Most of them gave us waves and smiles. I nodded back for the most part—waved at a few. Tempest was ever the brooding, silent type and did nothing more than nod back.

She muttered under her breath as we went, mulling over my words and weighing her own carefully. “If you’re really that tired and achy, maybe you should sleep instead of taking so many double shifts?”

“You know I can’t do that. Work is piling up as it is.” It stung me to shut her down, especially knowing she was probably right. It was a constant war to keep myself from yawning in front of the troops, but any sign of weakness would lower morale.

Tempest’s muttering intensified, and my ear flicked as I heard her debating if offering to help was worth the ‘risk’ of promotion.

“We’ve had that talk before, Tempest. You and Glimmer won’t be climbing the ranks any further unless you want to.” I shook my head. “If you want to help, I’ll take it.”

She looked at me, eyes narrowing as we stopped at the intersection that would take us our separate ways. “You promise?”

“Why would I lie about that?”

“You wouldn’t, but I know who Princess Twilight will insist on if you and Morning step down.”

There was a moment of silence as I said nothing and studied her. Nopony else was around—thank the Nightmother—but I still had to claw and wrestle a response up and out of the deepest recesses of my soul.

“Where’d you hear about that?”

“The walls have ears, sir. Upon your orders, no less.”

“Don’t give me that.” I couldn’t help but groan. “You and Glimmer know damn well those wards are only there so we can keep an eye on Twilight and her friends without butting in. They aren’t there for eavesdropping on meetings above your clearance level.”

“With all due respect, sir, you are her friend, and you were meeting with her off the books.” Tempest hid her smirk behind an impressively stoney glower, but I could see the corners of her lips inching a few millimeters upwards.

“Once a villain, always a villain,” I grumbled. “Don’t tell any of the others. It’s still not a sure thing, and we won’t be stepping down so much as we’ll be stepping to the side. Like it or not, Morning and I are starting to lose a bit of our touch. It should be you and Glimmer leading the troops when the Elements are needed, not me and Morning. If the two of us need to pass on our role as co-captains to make sure the others follow you without question, we will. It’s not retiring to take a bloody desk job and manage the sun-blasted paperwork.”

Tempest rolled her eyes and trotted up to poke me in the chest. “You don’t sound too convinced about that. We’ll talk about it later, though. All of us—together. You want me to be Captain? You can start by avoiding any more secret meetings with just you and Twilight. No going behind my back.”

“I only kept it a secret because Morning and I still aren’t sure it’s necessary, but understood. You want to be treated like a captain? I’ll treat you like a captain.” Giving her a salute, I smirked as her eye twitched. “For now, go see if you can straighten out Cobra.”

Tempest stormed off in her typical stomp-happy fashion, while I headed down a different hall for one of the libraries. It was always best to look in those first when hunting for Twilight, and even though the first one was empty, I knew I was on the right track. There was a mountain of books in need of reshelving, and a trail of freshly crumpled papers and ink splatters meandered out another door for a different library.

A single dejected guard was bravely digging through the books to put them back, and I nodded to him as I passed.

“Hey, Mettle.” The unicorn looked at me with the face of a pony who’d dived straight through Tartarus and left his soul behind. “You wouldn’t happen to be my backup, would you? Twilight promised me back up.”

Shaking my head, I gave him at least a bit of help by having my shadow eat all the discarded papers and ink splotches. “No back up from me. I’m just hunting for the Princess of Pages and Plotbunnies. If I run into anypony while chasing her down, I’ll send them your way, though.”

“Thank you, sir.” He was so eager to salute that he accidently knocked all the piles he’d been sorting over in a giant avalanche. “Ughhh… why can’t we just let the castle take care of this? Wasn’t it made to do stuff like this?”

“It can, but you know Twilight.” I sighed. “She thinks it polite for Castle if we clean up anything big, and honestly, I can’t argue with her ever since the spaghetti incident.”

“Ummm… I don’t think I was here for that.”

“Be glad you weren’t.” My eyes glazed over at the memories. “Foals were born in that pasta, soldier. There was marinara everywhere.”

“Foals were what?” Couldn’t blame the boy for stepping back.

“You heard me, and that’s all I’m going to say.” I shivered and slapped myself a bit to bring me back to the present. “Just know that in cleaning up after the Elements, you save us all. Castle gets stressed just like everypony else.”

Peeking up and over his shoulder at nothing in particular, the poor fellow gulped. “I should have read the manual better. This explains so much.”

“No pony reads the manual.” I snorted. “’sides, if you’re saying you didn’t know about Castle, he likes it that way. He’s quiet, he’s humble, and he gets a perverse, little kick out of seeing faces just like yours. Not much a sapient castle can do for fun, so we try to let everypony figure it out on their own.”

“Thanks, sir. I hate it.”

The lights flickered as I left, and I smirked at the high-pitched yelp that followed. “Mettle! What the buck is this?! Why is there a letter with my name on it?!”

I just smiled and went on my way, pretending I hadn’t heard him. It would be more fun for Castle that way.

My shadow was quick to snap up the trail of papers and ink, dumping it into the darkness. It led me on a long wandering trail from library to library, and more than a few other guards needed extra back up just as the first poor soul had. With all the half-written speeches she was throwing away, my shadow was gonna have indigestion for weeks.

I finally found her, though, the little troublemaker. She was sleeping in a bookfort so spic and span that it could pass all the Ponyville building codes, the perfect picture of everything princesses weren’t.

Cute, adorable, and drooling up a storm as she softly snored. A few of her books glowed softly as the protective enchantments in them worked overdrive to fend off their own master.

“Oi, Princess Pipsqueak, you really gonna just lay there and nap after all the work you just dragged my soldiers into?” I nudged a book out of place, and blinked in surprise when I got nothing but a muffled groan in response. “This is what you get for pulling an all nighter at your age, missy.”

The groans grew louder as the bookfort shifted and fell in on itself. The head of my majestic charge poked itself out of the rubble with a yawn, and as her pearly whites chomped shut, she stared at me, unblinking.

“Five more minutes, dad.”

I rolled my eyes and reached out to pull her from the paper pile before she could retreat back in. “You made your bed, and now you’re gonna lie in it. There must be half the force cleaning up after you. What were you thinking?”

“That the kirin are insane to have invented a form of poetry only four words long.” With a long drawn out groan, Twilight buried her head in her hooves even as she levitated up three different scrolls and quills to start writing more trash. “How am I supposed to fit everything I need in four words?!”

“Relax, Twilight. Breathe.” I set her down and brushed off a spare book or two. “You freak out like this every time the kirin delegation is due, and every time Autumn Blaze spouts enough word vomit to give both you and Pinkie a run for your money.”

“I don’t vomit my words.” Twilight bonked me on the forehead with her first failed attempt. “They’re as calculated as they are verbose.”

“My point is Autumn doesn’t really care for ancient kirin tradition or solemn four word greetings.” I bonked her right back before having my shadow eat the crumpled scroll. “I don’t get why you try.”

“I try because I always promise I’ll have one for her next time.” Despite the resistance, she was in fact breathing.

Best I moved us on before she could spiral back. “Right…. Remember when I said you made your bed and had to lie in it? Forget your bed, princess; jump in mine.”

“Really, captain?”

“Yes, really.” A cheeky grin crossed my face as I tsked at her. “Why? I’m just being metaphorical. Don’t tell me your head is in the gutter again.”

“My head only goes to the gutter because you’re a horrible influence!” She rewarded my impudence and thwapped me with her wing. “Discord damn you! I didn't catch stuff like that before you and your wife showed up.”

“Pffft! We had to train you to defend your sweet, innocent soul somehow. Something you’re gonna need with the new recruit.” I started picking up books, but Twilight’s horn lit to almost instantly reshelve everything.

“Oh, horseapples! The new recruit is here already?! I completely lost track of time!” Her horn glowed, and my tail flicked it on instinct to disrupt her teleport.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m here.” My grin fell into a more serious scowl. “He showed up, and I know you mean well, Twilight, but I really don’t think he’s going to work out.”

“What makes you say that? I figured you two would hit things right off.”

“Twilight, I’m going to level with you.” Setting a hoof on her shoulder, I tried to soften the blow by keeping it short and sweet. “The guy literally said he doesn’t do friends unless they come with benefits. He’s here for one reason and one reason only as far as I can tell, and that’s to buck your brains out.”

“Is there a problem with that, Mettle? It’s better than when they fawn over me and think I’m perfect.” Giving a little grin, she shrugged my hoof away and slugged me. “Besides! I got my big, grizzly Captain to defend my sacred chastity.”

“Yeah, I suppose you do.” I sighed and slumped back with a groan. “Speaking of that, though, Sparky and Glim Glam heard our little retirement talk.”

“Ooof.” Twilight shook her head and instantly fell to her haunches. “I can’t imagine they were happy about that.”

“Sparky wasn’t. We’re going to need us all to get together at some point to seriously hash things out.”

“Is there really a need to do that until you’re sure stepping aside is necessary?”

“It. Is. Necessary.” I glowered at my charge and she had the decency to look down and away. “I know that now more than ever. You may not like it—neither do I—but if Morning and I don’t step aside, your students are never gonna meet their full potential.”

“I’m sure there’s another way to—”

“Discord damn it! No, there isn’t, Twilight!” I slammed a hoof down. “This is the last hurdle for them. Once they’re the captains, no pony—not even them—can make any excuses. They’re more than reformed, but they keep holding themselves back! If you really want them to see how far they’ve come, we need to make them captains the same way Sunbutt made you a princess. That’s just how it works. Morning and I had our time, and it was fun going everywhere and kicking butt, but now, you need somepony new.”

As my anger melted from me, I too oozed outward, collapsing in a puddle of old stallion goo. “It sucks. I know, but I still have a bit of fight in me. I’m not gonna just leave you. Why are you so hesitant to commit to it?”

“Because I know you don’t want it?” Twilight chucked another crumpled up paper at me. “One of us needs to act worried for you, and you’re too tough to. You talk about it being all necessary and good, but I know you. It sucks for Morning, but for you? You must absolutely hate it.”

“I will deal with it.” Another groan, another listless wing twitch. “Stars, I’ll take another job if I need to. Maybe I’ll moonlight at the post office or something. I can handle the paperwork by day, and deliver extra large packages by night.”

“Moonlight at the… Tempered, be serious. I’m really worried about you between this and everything you have going on at home.”

“Yeah? Well, don’t be. It’s under control. I trust Night more than I trust myself when it comes to doing what’s right, and Mercy…” An image of her thrice damned father briefly floated before my eye, but I gutted the schweihund and buried the corpse deep in the recesses of my mind. “…okay, you should be worried about that one, but I know your sentence at my trial will be fair and just.”

“Please don’t joke like that…”

“Better that I joke about it, than go through with it.” I rumbled darkly as I stood. “Besides, if I had my way, you would have never known about what Mercy is going through in the first place. That letter was for Luna, not you and Spike. You talked with him about that, right?”

“I made sure to give him a six hour lecture on not opening other ponies’ mail, yes.” Twilight frowned. “It’s a crime for a reason.”

“Six hours? Stars above, I didn’t expect you to go for his throat.” I mosied over to help her to her hooves. “That’s enough to kill some ponies.”

“Noooo…. Don’t remind me of that. You can’t prove it was my lecture that did it!” Twilight’s wings covered her face as she squeaked and blushed. “The doctor said it was old age!”

“Oh, right! I forgot about that!” With a big, booming laugh, I patted her back. “Didn’t mean it like that. Seriously, thanks for giving Spike Tartarus for me, and thanks for keeping what Mercy went through quiet.”

“Just be thankful none of the girls have asked. I won’t lie to them.” The adorkable little bundle of fluff puffed her chest up, and spread her wings. “Though… I think Rarity might suspect something.”

“Oh?” I arched my brow. “Wouldn’t surprise me, but what makes you say that?”

“She’s the biggest gossip in Ponyville, but when it comes to Mercy, all she ever gushes about is whether or not you three are gonna herd. I get why she doesn’t gossip about Pushing’s dad, but it’s weird for her to not wax poetic over Mercy having come from a noble family.”

“Gossip, she might be, but Rarity always did have tact and a keen nose for trouble.” I snorted and nudged her towards the door. “We can talk about letting her in on it later. We’re burning moonlight, and you have a new recruit you still need to meet.”

“Right.” She ruffled her wings a bit, silent a moment as we walked. “So… what odds are you giving that the first thing he does is make a pass at me?”

“There are no odds on that. It’s a done deal.”

“Great…” She trailed off, glowering into the air ahead of us. “Do I need to worry about getting him to medical? Or are you gonna go easy on him?”

“No idea.” With slow, steady steps, I led us towards Tempest’s favorite place to train her recruits and mince her meat. “That kinda depends entirely on what he says to you.”

“Well, you know the codeword for emergency teleport. Make sure you signal if he’s going to need it.” Her frown turned into a giggle of her own, and she flapped a few times, skipping down the hall. “You know, I’m kind of looking forward to it. It’s been a while since anypony has tried asking me out.”

“Oh… you sweet, summer child.”

“I know, I know.” Twilight thwapped me with her wing and laughed. “He’s not looking for a date. I can dream, though.”

“Say that all you want, but that dream is about to die.” My ears were perked and swiveling to track the various booms and crackles of Tempest teaching our new recruit what for. The storm of explosions and magic might have been muffled by the castle walls, but they were still loud enough that I plugged my ears with shadows and silence before stepping through the door.

It didn’t phase me in the slightest to see the rest of Tempest’s unit hiding behind various bits of cover. Craters and piles of rubble were standard when Sparky really cut loose, and from the look of things, Cobra had her throwing everything in the book at him.

I could see the schweinhund laughing as he juked and dodged Tempest’s best. A trail of sparkling explosions literally trailed after him. At least two giant arcane orbs were constantly spitting out pony-seeking missiles, and a third was forming on Tempest’s horn even as she lobbed a constant stream of projectiles at him.

It made me glad I was wearing my shades. There was enough of a light show to give the sun a run for its money.

No pony saw or heard as we entered, they were all too distracted by the fight. That changed as soon as Cobra banked around and caught a glimpse of Twilight in his peripheral as he shot past us. He blinked, and made the mistake of slowing for a moment until the hot plasma on his ass reminded him of the storm currently chucking lightning at him.

With a yelp and some new singe marks, he shot forward even faster than before, gaining distance on all the homing magic flying after him. A quick, hairpin turn sent him and all the magic chasing him straight at Twilight and me, and grinning like a loon under moon, he had the balls to land right in front of us and wolf whistle.

“Damn, sweetie, mind helping a stallion out? I promise to make it worth your while.” He smiled even as the fires of Tartarus closed in.

Twilight was quick as a whip to dispel every last bit of Tempest’s artillery before it hit us, and even faster to sling a shot of her own at Cobra. He didn’t even have a chance to dodge her, ending up chained in enough magical shackles to bring him to his knees.

“Really, princess? I didn’t expect you to be this kink—” He might have tried to be a smartass, but between me shoving my hoof in his mouth and Twilight lighting her horn again, he shut up fast. As Twilight glared at him and looked him over, though, he waggled his brow and wriggled as much as he could to show off his flank.

“You know… I’m starting to wonder if Captain Mettle is right. It’d be one thing to pull a stunt like that in the field when I’m ready for the unexpected to happen, but here and now? In my castle?” Twilight leaned down, her eyes right in front of Cobra’s. “Tempest is a friend of mine, Cobra. If I had missed one of those shots, she would have felt really guilty over hitting me. Friends don’t hurt friends here, Cobra, understand?”

The poor fellow could do nothing but nod and lick my frog with my hoof still over his face.

“Let him speak, Captain.” Twilight waved me away. “We’re all friends here, aren’t we?” She aimed the question towards Cobra, cracking her words like a razor tipped whip.

“Maybe.” Cobra flashed his fangs at Twilight as I pulled my hoof away. “Do I get an invite to the slumber party?”

Twilight pulled back, her glare melting into a smile. It would have been cute if it weren’t for her putting her hoof on Cobra’s head and gently pressing down. “Only the best of the best get to guard me when the girls are over. If that’s what you want, you better prove your worth to the Captain. Understood?”

Oh, sweet Nightmother. The mad lad really was a masochist. He all but barked like a dog and wagged his tail when Twilight put her hoof down.

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am.”

“There we have it, then!” Twilight beamed at me. “Put him through the paces, will you, Mettle? I think Tempest blasted him with a little too much for her own good.”

“Not my fault he can’t roll over and die.” Tempest panted as she growled. Her chest was still heaving despite several minutes going by. There were more than a few potion bottles scattered at her hooves, and she wavered drunkenly as she scowled. “I warned him, and he didn’t listen.”

“Finally met your match then, Sparky?” I couldn’t help myself.

“Like hay, sir.” Even exhausted, Tempest tossed a shot at me. It was weak, but at least that meant she wasn’t completely burnt out. “If you and Twilight hadn’t showed up, I’d be serving you him on a silver platter like the cockroach he is.”

“Hah! Even I would get sick off of him, Sparky. I appreciate the thought, though.” I nodded to her as she dragged herself over to where Twilight had picked a spot to watch before turning back to the newbie.

He was up and not so much stretching as he was preening and showing off his wiry body to the princess. I rolled my eyes at the sight and did a proper warm up, giving my neck the most satisfying crick as I finished.

“Alright new blood. You want to show off? Let’s go, you little lustmolch.” As I settled into a fighting stance, I shrouded the room in eternal night, setting the stage for a proper scrap.

“Hey, now! Don’t turn out the lights! How can I strut my stuff for the princess like this?” There was no warning as Cobra slipped into his shadow to pounce at me from my right.

He was quick as a snake, so dodging wasn’t an option. I bent with the blow, rolled with it, and took the chance to grab at him. He retreated from my hoof by melting back into the darkness faster than I could follow.

I chased him into the Dark and there we wrestled as one with our shadows, biting and scratching and kicking in a no holds barred scrap. At one point he spat pure, utter blackness right in my face, and then the bugger dived back into the real world while my eyes and ears were blinded.

The little rat with wings toyed with me as he jumped in and out of the fight, and it made my blood boil to see him slip through gaps in my defense that hadn’t used to be there.

With a roar, I stomped the ground and buried the room in yet more gloom. My soul burned bright as the moon as I dragged the shadowlands closer and closer until the floor turned to bubbling black ooze that sucked at my hooves like tar.

Grounded within the dark—one with it in a way that schweihund would never be—I projected myself down and out, flooding the room with hot, tempered mettle. My will was absolute as it commanded lashing tendrils as long and thick as a kraken’s to rise up and strike at my foe.

“Woah, woah, woah, gramps! Chill!” Cobra flapped like mad to avoid the ever looming darkness.

He shot off and out of the ring itself, out over the stands as I herded the little bugger along. He wanted to play dirty? Fine. I would play dirty. Just a little closer to the princess, and we could see just what sort of gumption he was really made of.

Sure enough, as he banked past Twilight, he couldn’t help but give her a smirk and a wave. “Hey, princess! I know you’ve read enough books to know where this is going! Mind being my virgin sacrifi—”

He didn’t get to finish as another tentacle erupted out from beneath Twilight, grabbing her and Tempest in its sticky, goo-like grip and raising them high in the air. The rest of Tempest’s squad followed as I snatched them up before the shock could wear off.

“Mettle?! Mrgrmff!” Couldn’t risk letting an angry princess cook my goose, so I gagged her and kept a firm grip on her horn.

Cobra looked up at her then over at me from where he’d fallen on the floor and I bared my fangs at him with a growl. My coat was frothing from keeping everything up, but I hid it by retreating further in the shadows. My breath came out in shakey hisses, but by masking my face in darkness, I managed to warp and distort the sound to something far more menacing.

“This is why you never risk playing games, rookie. You think it’s easy taking on villains like the Nightmare? This is nothing next to some of what Twilight has faced. If you think you’re hot enough that you can save an alicorn princess all on your own? Prove it. Otherwise you’re nothing but deadweight.”

Cobra looked around at everypony trapped in my shadowy might as I talked, evaluating his situation. The instant I stopped my little monologue, though, he leapt back into the air.

This was good instinct on his part. He didn’t fly for Twilight again like I’d thought he would, and the ambush I’d been laying for him missed.

“Hah! Old buck, the biggest deadweight around here is you. You think I’m stupid? You might have some cool tricks, but I can hear just how tired you are.” Putting on a burst of speed, the idiot shot straight at me and turned to buck me as hard as he could.

It was the worst thing he could have done.

As I flew back and hit the wall, everypony got a good look at me with my frothing coat and heaving chest. When I tried to get up, I stumbled and fell right back down. Things were blurry and my vision was swimming.

The last thing I saw before passing out was Twilight’s eyes burning like white, hot, hungry suns as she descended to throw Cobra on the floor next to me.

I woke up in the infirmary; it might as well have been the morgue.

“Ugh… Morning is gonna kill me.” I groaned as I gingerly tested everything, looking for any injury.

“She’ll have to beat me to it.” Twilight was sitting there and waiting—just as expected. It didn’t make it any less weird than the first time, but it was nice in its own way.

That was until she thwapped me with a wing.

“I can’t believe you did that! It’s one thing to go all out in a fight, but I never gave you permission to enact a cuckoo protocol!” Her glare bored its way down to my bones.

“Well, I mean, I was hardly able to signal you while he was watching.” I took her wing like a champ, though that didn’t mean much with how soft and fluffy they were.

She was so adorkable when she huffed and puffed out her cheeks, “Signal? Tempered, you know there’s at least three different triplicate forms you need to fill out before going all villain on me. Somepony could have gotten hurt fighting back against those tentacles.”

“I figured it would make a good lesson!” I raised my hooves in surrender. “It was the only thing I could think of to get through to Cobra.”

“Well, it didn’t work.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Diving at the villain to impress me is about as bad as hurting my friends.”

“Yeah, I know.” I rested my head back on the pillow with a grunt. “I warned you about him. Where is he, by the way? Did you get sick of him and toss him out?”

“No. I figured he could use a real lesson, so I put him in the fungeon.” Thwapping me a second time, Twilight glowered with ferociadorable might. “That’s where you’re going to now that you’re up. Hup hup! Time to get going, soldier boy.”

Oh dear, sweet Luna. Anything but the Pink Demon and her fungeon.

“Twilight, I know you’re mad at me, but I don’t think I really need the fungeon. How about I just fill out the forms, and—”

“Begone with thee!” Her horn lit up before I could finish, popping me out of the world and through time and space with a teleportation spell.

Twilight’s giggles rang in my ears long after I was gone, and I languished in the ball pit of doom she had dumped me in. Even with the nearby swearing of Cobra and the tittering of the mad demon, I could hear Twilight’s vengeful mirth as though she was there.

“Wow, I forgot how great it is in here! I need to visit the fungeon more often!”

Oh… she actually was here. We were out of sight of the others, though.

“Not up to showing your face to Cobra?” I chuckled as I got out of the ball pit.

Twilight’s head popped out to shake itself. “I got really mad at him. It’s… honestly kind of embarrassing. I can’t remember the last time somepony got under my skin that much.”

“Don’t let it get to you. If anypony deserves the fungeon, it’s him.” Looking around, I shivered at the Pink Demon’s work. I’d had a lot of time to get used to Pinkie over the years, and yet…

Bounce houses, ball pits, and banquets as far as the eye could see. I knew we were still somewhere deep within the castle, but whatever depths of tartarus we’d been brought to seemed to have no walls with how expansive the crystal cavern was.

The tables were loaded with enough sugar to send diabetics into shock. There were pastries, pies, parfaits, puddings…

Peppermints and pralines…

Popcorn and pancakes…

So many sweet little p-words, yet none were as sickeningly sweet as her. Pinkie was still giggling maniacally as Cobra swore his revenge in every colorful way imaginable—adding a few new ones to my book.

They were only a few aisles away, past several carnival games and a roller coaster. There she had him at her whims, blindfolded with his ears plugged by cheap little things that wouldn’t completely block his hearing but would muffle his clicks. He was dizzily wandering around and walking into wooden poles as Pinkie Pie guided him towards a pinata hanging in the center.

The stick to beat it was long discarded and forgotten.

Pinkie gasped as she saw me, and gleefully danced over, passing right in front of Cobra as she did just to tickle him with her tail. “Mettle, you’re awake! Twilight was so worried! Are you ready to have fun?!”

Cobra’s head jerked about at my name, looking everywhere but at me. His ears swiveled, and he must have thought he got a lock on me, because he ran straight to the pinata and got down on one knee, head lowered.

“Kill me.” He said it with absolutely no hesitation, just like Night would.

The sheer contrast was enough to make me throw my head back and laugh. “Good one, soldier! We can’t be going easy on you, though. We both made our beds, and now we have to lie in them.”

“You’re stuck here too, huh?” With a groan, Cobra rolled over onto his back, splaying his legs in defeat. “Guess there’s no point in sucking up, then.”

“There’s always a reason to suck!” Pinkie Pie struck a heroic pose. “I have lollipops stashed all over Ponyville in case we have a sucking emergency, after all! No better way to get that lip-smacking licky goodness than to suck like your life depends on it!”

“Is she for real?” Cobra picked his blindfold up and cursed on seeing the pinata wasn’t talking back.

“Yes, she’s real.” I sighed. “And to answer your next question… you don’t want to know what a sucking emergency is.”

“I was actually gonna ask about the Pink.”

“Oh, right.” I blinked. “No idea, really. You get used to it, though.”

“Twilight says I’m special!” Pinkie beamed with sparkling pearly whites.

“Yeah, ‘special,’” Cobra grunted. “How long are we gonna be trapped down here captain?”

“Until the Pink one gets bored of us, of course.” With a grin, I nudged him. “What’s the matter? I thought you liked getting punished.”

“This ain’t my kind of fungeon.” Cobra snorted as he rose to his hooves. “What am I? Five?”

“Better get used to it, rookie.” I put a hoof on his shoulder, “If Twilight hasn’t given up on you yet, you’re in it for the long hall. She’s gonna salvage you one way or another; she’s already got your weakness pegged. You don’t shape up, and you can expect to be put on duty with Pinkie here a lot.”

“Ohhhh… it’ll be so much fun! I throw parties like this all the time!” As Pinkie bounced between us, she gave a wink that only I could see.

“Oh? And what if I just quit and went back home to Griffonstone?” Cobra huffed.

“Mmmm… well, we can’t stop you from doing that, but are you really the kind of chump to walk away like that?” I bared my fangs at him already knowing the answer.

“No….” His ears splayed back as he finally showed the tiniest bit of humility. Didn't last long, though as he turned and shouted towards the ball pit Twilight had dropped me off in. “I’m just too dang stubborn to give up on banging a princess!~”

There was an eep from Twilight in the distance, and Pinkie giggled maniacally.

“You and Twilight? Teeheehee!” I’m gonna have to tell all the girls~ How far have you gotten and how many parties am I gonna need to—”

“Pinkie! It isn’t like that!” A very flustered and blushing Twilight popped into existence to stuff her hoof in her friend’s mouth. “Tell her, Tempered!”

Looking between Pinkie and Twilight, I shrugged. “I dunno, Twi. He’s still here after everything he pulled today. If I were a betting stallion…” Ducking as Twilight tried to pie me, I laughed.

Poor Cobra was eyeing us all like we were loons—which we were—but it was too late for him to back out now. He’d learn soon enough. I just had to stomp the jackass out of him before Twilight took a liking to him.

Why she always fell for hopeless cases, I had no clue.

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait folks! Like I said in the blog, one of my editors is facing a lot of irl pressure right now, so when he does have time to edit, I often have to choose between him looking over my original fiction or fanfiction, and the original stuff kinda takes priority with me trying to make it as an author. Between that and how long this one shot ended up, it took a bit to get it out.

Verbatim Royal (Mercy)

Deep in the warm and fluffy caverns of solitude I brooded and stared down upon the bane of my current existence. Pushing happily burbled beside me, a frizzy mess of mane and coat. Her hooves waved in the air in the warm winds of the convection currents, more than content to be near me in the darkness as I glared through a hole in the floor at the trio of hot, sexy, scheming backpfeifengesichter.

“Traitors.” I muttered as Mettle and Morning threw back their heads to laugh at the Princess’s joke. “They should know better than to let the enemy in the front gates.”

Pushing responded with about all the tact expected of a foal, blowing a raspberry and stomping on the clouds beneath her. I appreciated the support, but we were on a stealth mission. Gently rubbing her back with a hoof to calm her, a smile briefly crossed my face as I spared her the briefest of nuzzles. My glowering, however, quickly returned the instant I went back to spying.

“I mean, sure, she just wants to help, but they’re my Nightmares.”

“Yes, and if you would bother to come down, you’d realize I’m not here for that. I’m here to see some friends.” I flinched as the Nightmother looked up with piercing eyes. “You may count yourself among them and come down, should thou wish.”

Poking my head out, I bared my fangs in a snarl. “Nice try but I heard you and Night. You’re here about— about—“ The words tore at my throat, unable to come out as I put a hoof to it and grimaced. “—the thing.”

“Ah, yes…” Luna nodded and reached into her shadow to pull out a scroll case. “It would take more than a few days to go over all the old and ancient laws, and I only have a few hours at most.”

She harrumphed with a smile splitting her face as she hoofed the scroll case over. “Now, I know far too well how stubborn you are after these past few months. I felt it best to prepare all my advice in print—just in case. In there you will find both a list of the most pertinent laws still in effect as well as an outline on several options for you and yours to take. Ultimately, however, I am naught but an advisor here, and the choice is for you to make.

“Read it whenever you feel ready—preferably after I leave. There are a few options in there you may not like, and I would like to avoid sullying this fine night with a shouting match.”

“I thought Honesty was one of the Elements, Princess. If all you were here for was to deliver a list, you would have sent it in the mail.” Pushing was poking at me more and more as I talked with Princess Luna, and I had to briefly pull back in to reassure her.

“Uhhh… Mercy? Is Pushing in there with you?” As I poked my head back out, There was a hunky statue of tempered steel arching his brow at me.

“What do you think, lunkhead?” I tsked and pulled Pushing close before dropping down through the ceiling to land on the floor. “The only time she’s left my side is when I’ve got a hot date with the two sexiest pieces of flank in town. I’ve stuck to her like glue while living here, and that won’t be changing any time soon.”

“This from the mare who runs at the sight of her mother?” Morning smiled and moved over beside me to play tickle monster, her wings flying fast to make Pushing a giggly mess.

That deserved the biggest eye roll I could muster. “Pssht! I have never once ran from my mother. I just forced her to chase after me. Every second she spent dragging my kicking and screaming ass around was another second of her life wasted and another victory notched in my belt.”

“You know Pushing might grow to be just as rebellious~” Pausing in her assault, Morning turned to stick her tongue out at me.

“She’s welcome to try. I wrote the book on being a rebellious piece of angst; there’s no way she can out brood me. If she sneaks out, I’ll just lurk after her and she’ll never know.” I smirked. “Well, unless she’s so bad I’m forced to give her lessons.”

“That would only make things worse, dear, but to each their own.” Morning was forced to return to her game as Pushing babbled and batted at her, but she kept one ear towards me.

“Quite.” Princess Luna had taken a seat and was watching us with her lips quirked. “Now, if you are firmly out of the ceiling and down here with the rest of us… how about a game of chance and skill~” Levitating out a deck of cards, her horn was faster than black lightning at cracking them open and shuffling. “We have Knave and Fool, Tric-Trac, and even Karnöffel!”

Ick. Karnöffel—the game of ‘pure bloods.’

“Knave and Fool, please.” My face twisted as I moved to flounce onto the couch across from the princess. “I’ll have lived a long and happy life if I never play a game of Karnöffel again.”

“It’s really not that bad, Mercy.” Tempered laughed like a bellows as he sat to my right. “You should play with my brother Courage and I some time.”

“If I’m playing with you and Courage, there’s far better games we could be having.”

“Hah! Careful with those sorts of jokes, now~ You wouldn’t want my wife getting the wrong idea~” He waggled his brow in the way only he could.

“Ohhhh… now there’s an idea.” Morning tittered madly, and both Mettle and I stared at her in shock.

“What? You want to be our fourth?”

“No! I wonder if we could set you up with Courage, though! He’s been looking for ages! And you two are both so carefree and wild!” She clapped her hooves together madly before sitting to my left.

Luna started dealing, eyes sparkling as she watched us.

“Yeah… pass. Last thing I need is another me.”

“Oh, he’s not that bad.”

“And you’re saying I am?”

“Mercy, dear, I love you from the bottom of my heart, but you literally showed up on our doorstep with the intent of muscling your way in as a second wife.”

“Yeah, and? You’ve been loving every second of it.” Baring my fangs in a grin, I blew her a wink and a kiss.

“We literally had to sit you down and talk about rules and boundaries.” Tempered snorted. “You were this close to blowing things before they even began. Hay, I still don’t get why Morning lets you get away with half the stuff she does.”

“Honestly?” Morning shrugged as she looked over at her husband. “I think it’s just that she’s been part of the family so long. You’ve both driven me batty.” She immediately glared daggers at Luna. “No princesses, though. I’ve dealt with enough politics to last me three lifetimes already.”

“No princesses and yet you’re fine marrying not one but two nobles?~” Princess Luna laughed as she collected the first point.

“Are you willing to abdicate your claim like Tempered did?” Hot damn, Morning was on solfire as she arched her brow at the princess of the night.

Luna merely smiled and took the next few tricks in silence. “I suppose I am more than content to stay an Aunt. Verily, t’was little more than a crush.”

“With all due respect, Princess Luna, you literally asked me for foals at one point.” Tempered’s grin was smug as a slug as his card won the next round, and Morning promptly thwapped him with her wing.

“I told you to never bring that up.” There was a bit of a growl in the pegasus’s throat as her hooves crossed her chest.

“No. You said I wasn’t allowed to brag about it.” Tempered’s head rolled back as he laughed and slapped the table. “Talking about it is totally fair game.”

“So is castrating you.” I swooped in to take the next point. “You don’t see me chomping at the bit to chomp your bits, do you?”

“Woah, woah, woah, Mercy. Don’t even joke about that.” He slugged my shoulder and my head snaked out to bite right back.

“Joke?~ Whose joking? You always did need to be knocked down a peg or two!”

“Hah! So says the pot, hissing at the kettle~” The big bugger cheated, swooping in to peck me on the lips.

My face blazed as black as the abyss at the touch, and my ears steamed as I let out the most pitiful screep. “You— You— You!” With a huff, I turned to scowl at Morning just to avoid that cocky grin. “How have you not pinned and plucked him by now?”

“Because I love him, same as you, dear. Don’t make a fuss about foal talk when you’re the one who's here and asking for an in.” Morning snickered and patted my side. “It’s going to be inevitable if you end up second wife.”

“Hmph…” I scowled and looked down at the table.

Stars above. I hadn’t even considered Mettle might want another foal if I hopped on his train. That… that was future me’s problem. Not even a problem really! I probably would have jumped at that chance ten or twenty years ago… if he had picked me and not her….

“Is that gonna be a problem?~ You were never skittish about that sort of thing before~” Morning fanned her wings as she giggled. “In that case maybe you should be banned from the bedroom? Trust me. It’s the only way to be sure we don’t end up with a happy little accident.”

“How about we ban him instead and I get you all to myself?” It was the only obvious counter offer. “The couch is just as fluffy as the bed. He won’t suffer too much.”

“Tempting… tempting…” She tapped her chin and hummed.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Tempered leaned back with a stretch and flared out his wings to cast us all in shadow as he yawned.

At some point the first round had finished, and Princess Luna had started the second. She was suspiciously quiet for somepony here claiming to want to spend time with friends. Her eyes glinted in the candlelight, full of schemes and little stars as she watched us banter.

The silence made the hairs of my neck stand on end. Clearly talking and having fun was all just part of her plan.

“So, Princess! You’ve been quiet~” Only way out of that trap was to go on the offensive. “Is something on your mind? Any questions you want to ask?”

“I was just enjoying your smile, nothing more, nothing less.” The princess of the night smiled softly, face half hidden by her cards. “So no, no questions. Not unless you count wanting to ask when I’ll get another niece or nephew. I honestly didn’t expect to see you three so close when I stopped by. It is… good to know. Tempered and Morning will give you far better help than I ever could.”

Ahhh… horse apples and bug bits. I knew that particular guano-guzzling tone. “Bucking tartarus, Princess. Don’t you bucking tell me you’re feeling jealous. My life is hot garbage not counting these two. You know that.”

“Jealous? Mmmm…” Her face didn’t even twitch. No movement broke the serene sea. It was a face that could give Celestia’s poker face a run for its money. “Perhaps a bit. I would say more melancholic. After my talk with dear Nightingale, watching you three is like looking back in time, and I find myself horribly missing it. Perhaps it’s time to start digging through my guard, hrmm?~ There has to be at least one that’ll catch my eye.”

“None as top notch as me.” Thumping his chest, Tempered laughed. “In all seriousness, I’ve been keeping a list of all the best candidates I know of—Night, Solar, and Dawn Guard—just in case you ever asked. You want me to set you up?”

“Set me up?” Princess Luna’s eyes twinkled but the mask held. “Are you saying you presume to know me better than I do?”

“No, but I certainly know most of your guards like the back of my hoof.” Setting his cards facedown, he focused all his attention on Luna. “That includes the jackasses, the stiffs, the ‘single’ ones due for an arranged marriage, and the ones that dream of you but who are too good to ever say so. Look at it like that, and I’m basically offering you a list trimmed of everypony you should avoid. You aren’t looking for all the bull singles have to go through, are you? After a thousand years of being alone… you should skip what drama you can.”

“I’ve seen the list, Princess. Added a few names myself. Took off others.” Morning giggled as Princess Luna opened and closed her mouth like a fish freshly snapped from the water. “Trust me if not my lunkhead of a husband. Unlike him, I even kept it updated so everypony on it is still single. The last thing you need is to hit on another married mare or stallion.”

“You… worked on him with this? Planned it?” Luna blinked at Morning before her face melted into a warm smile and she chuckled. “Absolutely incorrigible. Both of you. No wonder Nightingale called you meddlesome. I shall take that, and would like to see the list you have for Mercy as well.”

“What?!” I huffed. “As if they would ever—”

“Deal.” Tempered and Morning—both traitors once more—nodded without hesitation or shame. “It’s out of date, but you’ll get a good laugh out of it, Princess.”

“You guys are just awful.” Whoever was pouting, it was totally not me.

“Pffft. Why? Do you think we’re gonna need it?” Tempered’s grin was probably one of the most punchable the big oaf had ever given.

“No, but I— You just can’t— Why would you even— Hmphf!” I stood and picked up Pushing, muttering all kinds of profanity as I blushed my way out of the room. “I’m going to bed so Pushing can get her sleep.”

Up the stairs and into the nursery, I collapsed into my cot and completely ignored Pushing’s crib as I clutched her close and snuggled up. She was quick to hug back and quicker to fall asleep.

Feeling the rise and fall of her chest as she pressed close…

…it was exactly what I needed to face the Nightmares as I too succumbed.

The caverns of the Undercity loomed high, filled with unnatural and murky shadows. An army of slitted and predatory eyes gleamed just out of sight—little stars full of malice and wrath. The sounds of armored hooves thundered and echoed in my ears as I panted and caught my breath under the statue of some long dead idiot who had done nothing of note his entire life. I quietly cursed the day I was born with every profanity I knew, struggling to staunch my bleeding wound with a tourniquet.

“Bloody idiots.” I gingerly took a step as the trickle of blood slowed, and snarled as pain lanced up and down my leg. “Who the buck is barbaric enough to use barbed bolts?”

It was stupid and spiteful, but I stomped on the piece of shaft I’d broken off and discarded. It splintered under hoof, and the sudden movement only dug the barbs in my other leg deeper as I stumbled and almost tripped.

I had to bite my tongue to muffle the scream, but the pain was worth it if it bought me more time; I couldn’t afford to be discovered.

“Heh… any chance you’ve got another miracle in you?” I turned to nuzzle the sniffling little bundle of joy on my back. My smile was fractured, and my fangs were grit as Pushing shivered and clutched my back even tighter at the contact.

“I guess asking for another magic surge is a bit much.” With a sigh, I sank to my haunches and leaned against the statue, bringing the foal around to cradle her in my good hoof.

The hooves were thundering closer; the sound of metal cracking stone and soldiers shouting drowned the last of my flickering hope in a flood of despair.

“I swear to the stars… if that blutverräter actually shot you….” It was not the gruff grunt or growl of a soldier that stabbed at my ears, but the icy chill of the heavenly sky itself.

My heart froze in my chest as reality crashed down on me with the voice. She shouldn’t be here. She couldn’t be here. Princess Luna would never—

A dream, then. But how was she here?!

“Liar.” I wheezed out a laugh as I curled even tighter around Pushing. “You said you weren’t visiting to try and get in my dreams. What did you do? Did you spend the night in Ponyville just so you could muscle your way in?”

“Don’t delude yourself, Mercy. You aren’t nearly good enough at warding to stop me if I wanted to break in. I said I would respect your dreams, and I will. I am not here for you.”

“Bull! Who else would you be here for?!”

“Well, seeing as your daughter was finally kind enough to let me in…” The voice drifted, hoofsteps falling, and I twitched as the entire dream went silent save for the Princess, Pushing, and me.

The little foal finally looked up and over to Princess Luna, turning her gaze back down immediately after locking eyes with her.

“I understand wanting to keep your pain to yourself, Mercy. That’s why I’ve been so patient with you. You aren’t the only one suffering from them, though. It isn’t every night, thank the stars, but you are asking for help whether you realize it or not. You drag Pushing here with you.” Eyes narrowing, for a moment the wrath of the Nightmare itself flashed over Princess Luna’s face. “And I will not have you interfering with my duty to her.”

“Are you insinuating something, Princess?”

“No. I am merely stating a fact. It is not as if you went out of your way to shield her from me, but her wards have always been a perfect match to your own. She’s been subconsciously copying you, and I needed that to stop.” Stepping over to me, she reached out, grabbed the bolt shaft in my leg and yanked hard.

I flinched, expecting it to hurt like Tartarus. There was no pain, though; when I looked there wasn’t even a wound. “For somepony claiming she isn’t here to help me, you’re certainly meddling quite a bit. No guards, no shouting, and now you’re healing my damn wound?”

“Your daughter does not like to see you in pain, Mercy.” She answered without looking at me, instead squinting at the bolt. “These… are illegal. Sister was quite clear about that when I tried to pack them for hunting. Did your father’s soldiers actually shoot you with these? Or is your mind just that dead set on making you suffer?”

“You tell me, Princess.” I tsked and looked away.

“I would if I could, but I have little to go on other than what I can see. I am not going to pry into your memories or subconscious unless you ask me to.” The bolt head clattered as it was dropped to the floor, and Princess Luna’s hoof followed quickly to grind it into dream dust.

For a few minutes, I simply sulked to see if it would chase her away, but she refused to move. “I know daddy dead-to-me has an armory full of them, but no… as stupid as he is, he’s not stupid enough to risk using them. I would imagine the bolts shot at me were dipped in sedative, but I was too damn good to get hit. Couldn’t risk Pushing.”

“Mmm… I see.” The princess loaded a thousand words into her nod.

“And no, I’m still not letting you in.”

“I wouldn’t dream of asking.”

“I don’t care if every night is worse than the last.”

“You were always a bit of a masochist.”

“Stop acting like you belong here! What are you?! My mother?!”

The princesses eyes narrowed at me as I spat at her hooves. “No, but keep that up and I will drag your mother in here.”

“You wouldn’t bucking dare.” I wasn’t sure what sound tore its way out of my throat—something halfway between a snarl and a whimper.

Luna’s face was a mask of stone, and the nightmare swirled with indescribable features lurking in the darkness as she kept it from reforming. “My patience has limits, Mercy. I am here for your daughter’s sake, not yours. If I need to drag in a different target for your ire, I will.”

We stared daggers at each other for a solid minute before I finally yielded and looked away. “Well, the sooner you clean up, the sooner you can get the buck out. Shouldn’t you be giving us something to play with? This dream is a steaming pile of guano right now.”

“Yes… well… I have been holding off as I don’t want to hurt you if I can avoid it.” There was a note of hesitance in her voice, and she hummed as she looked around us. “Dealing with foals this young is difficult. I cannot really guide them through their trauma, only give them comfort. Their nightmares are always messy with the root of the problem being hard to read. Even here… I may know of what happened, but I cannot truly help her until she’s capable of sharing her fears with me herself.”

Clicking her tongue, she looked away. “I often give such foals a break from their pain by solidifying the dream and giving them a bit of time with their parents, so seeing as you’re already here…?”

“You want suggestions from me, then? I’m not the best at this mom thing.” I peeked at her with my head tilted and a half-frown on my face.

“Actually… I was hoping you’d let me look in your memories to give her a bit of time with her father. All she has is memories of you, Tempered, and Morning. It’s… a rather gray area, I know. Some would argue it cruel, but… she’s going to ask you about him someday.” Shaking her head, Princess Luna sighed as I sank to my haunches and gaped at her. “I understand if you’d rather I not; I do not know how deep that wound runs for you. You’d need to stay here and fuel the dream for her, and I wouldn’t want to—”

“Do it!” I pounced and snarled like a feral beast. Grabbing Luna by the chest, I shook her with all my strength. “You should have bucking led with that! Anything to see him again! Anything! You can muck with my nightmares! I don’t care! I’ll give you anything if it means I can bucking give her that!”

My hoof pounded against the princess several times as I heaved for breath. “Anything for a chance to apologize and say goodbye…”

“Mercy, contain yourself.”

The world shook and spun as I was wrapped in a feathery hug.

“I cannot grant your wish if you wake yourself.”

Princess Luna hummed a very old and very familiar lullaby as she held me. “You need calm if that is what you want. Relax~ I can feel your subconscious trying to draw and quarter itself. Just breathe and sink back into the dream. I am not asking for payment. I need no favors. You can still keep me out of your nightmares, if you wish. I only want to look into your best memories of him for Pushing.”

“You promise?” For yet another time that night, I totally did not whimper.

“You have my word, Mercurial.”

The shadows surrounding us shivered and shifted, and the world collapsed inwards with a gentle breeze. It misted, blurred, and eventually cleared to leave us in a cozy little cabin with a crackling hearth.

My eyes burned as I looked around to see frost covered windows and several pictures of me and Checkmate. Princess Luna was nowhere to be found, but I could hear somepony humming in the kitchen and smell the rich scent of hot cocoa.

Pushing burbled happily by my side as I sat there frozen and unsure what to do; I probably looked like an idiot when Checkmate entered and I started bawling.

“Why does love hurt so fucking much.”

Author's Note

Finally got around to Mercy's talk with Luna, and while writing her in all her 'hot mess' glory I remembered an old april fools day story idea from... I think it might have been two years ago at this point? Was debating writing one of those Element of Harmony replacement stories as a joke with the core bit being Tempered, Morning, and Mercy are assigned to guard Twilight during her trip to Ponyville with Nightingale joyriding along.

Not sure who would get what Element in such a scenario, but I had debated that rather than six ponies I would give two Elements each to Tempered, Morning, and Mercy. What I do remember now, though--and still can't think of any way around--is the horrifying and amazing realization that through process of elimination, unless I let Twilight keep magic, Mercy is the best suited for it narratively. She would be the one who has to learn the magic and have the spark to recreate the elements, and that's just... a very surreal thought.

Anyways, probably won't ever have time to write it, so wanted to just share that little plot bunny as I still think it would be a funny story to write as a joke.