Troll Tutorial: How to Troll Equestria

by Remag

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Violence, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Tragedy
Length: 1800

A comprehensive guide to pranking Equestria using the silliest and funniest tactics!

We will be following the steps of P̵̣̔í̵̩ň̶̥k̸͚͂í̶̘ë̴́ͅ ̶͍̉p̸̬̓ȉ̸͜ḙ̴̉ as she attempts to show everyone how to properly troll everyone in Equestria.

Published 2022-02-21 04:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-21 04:50:00 UTC

Trolling Commence

Step One: Go to Zecora's house.

Pinkie Pie bounced down the trail to Zecora's house to pick up some special ingredients for her newest batch of cupcakes.

"And they're going to be delicious, Mr. Narrator! I have to make my BEST cupcakes for the Gala tomorrow and Zecora has all I need!" Soon after she said that, a voice was heard in the depths of the forest. It was too far away for Pinkie to make out the words, but it almost sounded like the creature was in pain.

Step Two: Investigate the Noise.

"Funny, I don't remember Zecora moving her house closer! Wonder who that could be!" Pinkie gleefully shot into the forest, searching for her new potential friend. The voice never seemed to get louder no matter where she went in the forest and before she knew it, she was lost. "Uh oh." Pinkie took a minute to examine her surroundings, completely unsure of where she was.

"That's funny, I don't remember this part of the forest." Pinkie's brain workers tried their very best to try to find which part of the forest she ended up in, but it all eventually came up blank.

Step Three: Meet A New F̴̧̑r̶̞̊i̷͕͘ê̶̦n̷͖͗d̶͉̀.

The voice eventually returned to the confines of Pinkie's ears, this time much clearer, "Good to finally meet you, Pinkie."

"Hello? Are you in my brain?"

"Not necessarily, no. I'm a little bit lost and I need your... help to get home."

"Okie Dokie Lokie! Where do you live? I live in Ponyville with allll my friends, TwilightSparkleRainbowDashFluttershyRarityApplejackSpikeLyraBonBonPinkiePieohwaitthatsme!"

"STOP!"

"Huh?"

"I don't live here. I'm just visiting and I got lost."

"Well why didn't you say so? I'll help you! What do you need?"

"Just let me do something real quick..." Pinkie's smile started to fade.

"Is it just hot or is it me in here?" Her eyes began to droop.

"Perfect. Goodnight, Pinkamena. See you soon." Pinkie fell asleep as the voice began to laugh.

Step Four: B̷̺́e̵̦͌g̸̖̅í̵̘ṇ̸̋ ̵͎͌T̵̽ͅh̷͚͒ẽ̶̦ ̸̞͂T̵̹͗r̷̒ͅo̶̞̒l̵̬͆l̷̗̉i̷͜͝n̶͇͆g̸̟̀

Zecora was growing impatient. It was unlike Pinkie to be late to something so important to her and it was making her uneasy.

"Perhaps I have just misheard the day, or maybe the creatures have kept her at bay."

Her patience was soon rewarded by a familiar pink pony on the horizon, but something was off. She wasn't hopping around in her casual manner, nay, she didn't appear to have any pep in her step at all. She was walking... normally.

"What a turn of events for the strangest of folk, It makes me wonder if she found Poison Joke." Despite Zecora knowing what Poison Joke does to Pinkie, she was holding out hope that nothing was wrong with her. Eventually, she made her way to Zecora.

"Hi."

Zecora was stunned for a good few moments, Pinkie was smiling, but it didn't feel sincere, her voice was in a slightly lower pitch, but her main didn't seem to be deflated in any way.

"Good evening, Pinkie Pie, might I ask what's with that 'hi?'"

"Oh y'know. Stuff. Got a bit lost on the way here. Nothing I couldn't handle." Zecora slowly nodded.

"Right... well, I can't seem to remember what you were needing, do you mind doing a bit of repeating?"

Pinkie's smile grew impossibly wide, wider than normally impossible for Pinkie, it was almost reaching back and touching each end of her lips. Zecora slowly began to back up.

"I knew you were not whom you had appeared, whomever you are, just know that I am one to be fea-"

Before Zecora could finish her sentence, she began to cough as gas began to build up around her. She looked inside her house to see Pinkie pie over the cauldron putting in ingredients and reading her book.

"Three parts Poison Joke and one part normal Oak, right? This troll may be my greatest yet..."

Zecora continued to cough, "You won't... get away with... what you're doing, you're... ah... I... should be snoozing..." Zecora collapsed on the ground, sound asleep.

"You have your fun with your thinking and mulling... I should get back to doing mass amounts of trolling." Pinkie looked to the nearby town of Ponyville and grinned.

Step Five: Find Some Helpers.

Pinkie put the book in her mane and continued on back to the town she came from, smiling and humming to herself all the way. The creatures of the Everfree sunk back when Pinkie looked at them, as if she had an aura of power around her deterring the creatures away from her.

"What's wrong, little friends? Scared of a cute, innocent horse? How about we play a game?" A few timberwolves slowly walked out into the path.

"Have you ever heard of the game 'Search and Destroy?'"

Step Six: Attack With No Hesitation.

Twilight Sparkle was making her way towards Sugarcube Corner to pick up an order she made earlier that day.

"How was I supposed to know that it was almost dusk? It's not my fault my books don't show what time it is. Actually, that would be pretty handy, maybe I should-" Howling interrupted Twilight's musings. "Huh? Those sounds like timberwolves, but they usually don't come out this early in the season..." She began to run towards the noise before coming across trails of blood and guts. She spotted several bodies all around, none of them recognizable, but all of them completely dead. She continued to run towards the edge of town, chasing the noise. After a few minutes of running, she spotted about twenty timberwolves surrounding Applejack.

"APPLEJACK!" Twilight teleported behind the timberwolves.

"Ah might need some help here, Twilight!"

"Working on it!" Twilight fired multiple magical beams into the timberwolves, destroying them one by one before eventually getting to Applejack.

"Ah'm mighty glad to see ya, ah was just on my way back to the farm when ah was ambushed out of nowhere! Ah thought them timberwolves didn't come out yet?"

"That's what I thought too, but apparently something's gotten them agitated. A few ponies have already died, their corpses being unrecognizable. Get everyone to the town hall. With any luck, they won't stray too far from the Everfree." Applejack nodded and ran off towards some houses.

Suddenly, Twilight sees Pinkie walking away from the Everfree without a care in the world.

"Pinkie! Get away from the Everfree! The timberwolves are attacking!" She turned to look at Twilight, still holding her eerily calm smile.

"Oh, is that so? I was unaware they were called 'timberwolves'. It makes sense, I suppose. In any case, I don't think I have much to worry about. We've come to an understanding of one another and I don't see us having many issues. You on the other hoof..." A loud stomp was heard from the center of Ponyville. Twilight looked back to see a giant timberwolf towering over the town. She looked back at Pinkie, but she had already disappeared.

"This is not good."

Step Seven: Take Over The Country.

"Status report!"

"It's not looking good, sir! Our defenses can't take much more of a beating before we're done for!"

"I'll inform the princesses of this. We need to evacuate soon."

"Sooner than soon. We might only be able to fend them off for another hour or so if we're lucky."

The soldier began to sprint to the throne room to deliver the bad news. He quickly opens the doors and bows.

"Your majesties, it's time to go! We have but an hour." Celestia and Luna both nodded in understanding and stood up. Using their magic, they managed to create a solar eclipse, a warning sign for all of Equestria that the princesses were retreating and that all citizens should flee the country when possible.

Celestia and Luna were about to leave the room when they heard heavy breathing coming from the other side of the door.

"Guards, check the rooms in the castle. I have a feeling we have unwanted visitors."

One of the guards opened the door to reveal Pinkie Pie, much to the relief of Celestia and Luna.

"Doest thou bringth good news to us?"

Pinkie's face slowly formed into a neutral expression, "Oh it was horrible! Ponyville was attacked by a horrible monster! Twilight tried to fight it, but it ended up being too strong for her and it killed her!" Celestia's face drained of color.

"Our last hope... With one of the Element Bearers gone, we can't use the Elements of Harmony to fix this. I can't believe the timberwolves were the ones to finally get us."

Pinkie's smile returned, but this time her cheeks were much more defined and her lips near the ends of her mouth weren't as wide. Her eyes narrowed and arched upward as her face turned whiter than Celestia herself. Pinkie's body expanded as two arms ripped out of her sides and it took only a moment for the arms to rip apart the rest of the host, revealing an extremely skinny figure, completely black save for the face.

"Who said anything about the timberwolves?"

"W-who are you? What have you done with my student's friend?"

"I am known by many names. However, you may call me..." It craned it's neck so it was eye level with Celestia, it's eyes turned black and soulless, "The Trollge. Now. Submit to me and you will be granted power beyond your comprehension. Failure to do so will result in your bodies becoming new hosts."

"I would never submit to a creature such as yourself!"

"We do not appreciate thoust manner of tone when addressing us!" Luna exclaimed while charging up her magic.

"Very well then," The Trollge grabbed a potion and threw it at the two alicorns' hooves, "Such a shame you weren't harder to defeat. I quite enjoyed this little excursion." The alicorns began coughing and soon feel into a deep sleep.

"Well? What do you think? I told you I could think up the silliest story!" Pinkie exclaimed as she finished telling her story around the campfire.

Everyone was staring at Pinkie Pie for a solid minute in complete silence. Eventually Twilight spoke up.

"Right. I think it's time we get some sleep if we can." Everyone else muttered their approvals before heading off into their tents for the night.

"That's not what I was expecting. I'd think everypony would like a bit of warning." Pinkie smiled and winked into the forest.

Author's Note

First MLP story done! Tbh, this was just kinda a test to see if I could make a coherent story. Now that I know I can, I might try to make some more eventually. But please know, I don't do things very consistently. I'll probably stick to short stories instead of longer novel-length stories.