Chapter 1: My Little Furon: Brainstems are Magyk
As we open up, we see the residents of Ponyville atop a large hill. Many picnic baskets were set out, and large blankets were set out over the grass. All the ponies were there; the most noticeable one was a pink mare that was jumping all over the place.
"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my GOSH!" shouted Pinkie Pie, jumping all over the place like a filly who had too much sweets. "I can't believe there's going to be ANOTHER star shower! I mean, what are the chances of that happening! Like, 3.14-"
"Alright, settl' down there cowpony!" Applejack said to her bouncy friend. "Now, ah know another star shower is pretty an' all, but ar' they worth getting this excited about?"
"Are you kidding?" Twilight said, glancing up from her astrology book. "We're lucky enough to receive one star shower in a century, but two? That's, well, simply…"
"Astronomical?" asked Spike, who was pouring drinks for everypony.
"Exactly," said Twilight Sparkle. She then glanced up at the starry sky. "Oh, guys, it's starting!"
So everypony shushed and gazed up at the night sky, looking upon the raining meteorites that were burning up in the atmosphere.
"Hey, Twilight," Fluttershy asked her violet companion, "do you think there's life out there, you know, in the stars?"
"Well, certain assumptions would have to be put in place," answered Twilight, "but if Princess Celestia and Luna created the stars, maybe they also created other planets, and put intelligent beings on them as well."
"Wow," said Fluttershy, her mind marveling at the possibility. "Just think, when pony and alien could meet for the first time! It would be the greatest moment in Equestrian history!"
Silence passed over them, broken only by Pinkie's, "Oh, look at that one! No, that one! Oh, and just look at that one! It looks like it's getting closer!"
"Pinkie Pie, that's impossible," said Twilight, looking on the accused falling star. "Meteorites would completely break up in the atmosphere. One couldn't possibly survive…the…process…"
Her eyes, along with everypony's elses, widened as she realized that the meteor was getting closer to them!
"Hit the deck!" Rarity screamed, and everypony proceeded to cover and cover their heads with their hooves. The falling object barely missed them, passing overhead and landing deep in the Everfree forest.
"What was that?" Applejack asked.
"I don't know," said Rainbow Dash, "but I'm checking it out!" With that, she sped into the Everfree forest.
"Rainbow Dash, wait!" Twilight Sparkle shouted at her impulsive friend. Shaking her head, she, along with the rest of the Elements of Harmony, ventured into the forest.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight whispered to her pegasus friend once she caught up to her. "The Everfree forest is a dangerous place, especially during the night! What were you thinking when you rushed in?"
"I was thinking, 'Hey, what are the chances I'll ever see a crashed star ever again?' The answer: zip! Anyway, we're already here."
It was true. The Mane 6 had finally reached their destination. Many tress were wrecked, and there was a deep ditch leading to a smoking…
All of their jaws dropped.
"That is not a meteorite." Twilight stated.
It was a big, round metallic object, with blinking lights on the outside. On the top of it was an orange dome, though it was broken from the crash. Static could be heard from inside the cockpit.
"Other life." Fluttershy stated simply. Rarity almost fainted then and there.
"But, if that's a ship… where's the pilot?" Twilight asked. As everypony thought this over, one could almost hear words being formed from the static…
'Cr…o…'
'Cryp…to…'
"Crypto…"
"Crypto…"
"WAKE UP, YOU FILTY WASTE OF CLONE GELL!"
A small grey alien snapped open from his sleeping.
"Cryptosporidium-140, reporting for duty, sir!" he said, snapping a salute to his awakener. That is, until he truly saw who it was.
"Ah, now Poxy, why'd ya have to wake me? I was having a wonderful dream of killing all humans…and I think you were in it."
"This is no time for slipping, Crypto," said a holographic Orthropox 13, except it wasn't Orthropox 13. When the real Pox, now emperor, sent Crypto back to Earth, he decided to give him a little bon voyage present. This 'present' turned out to be a HoloPox unit, downloaded with a copy of the brain of your's truly. Though Crypto was reluctant to receive such a gift, deep down, he knew he could only let Pox boss him around.
Though days like these made him regret it.
"Can you keep it down, Pox?" the Furon clone asked his employer, rubbing his frontal lobes. "It feels like I've just gotten my brain smashed with a lemon wrapped around a gold bar."
"Yeah, well maybe if someone didn't fancy a joy ride while intoxicated, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess, would we?" Pox snapped at his viewed underling. "I knew I should have banned you from the stuff after what happened to your previous incarnation…"
"So he bowled himself over with that big boulder, so what? I'm still 110 percent operational, baby! Just call in the saucer and we can go home."
"The saucer is downed, no thanks to your fancy driving, and- wait…" Pox paused for a moment, staring out in the distance. "That's not possible…"
"What's not possible? Come on, Poxy, fill me in with the details here!"
"I am detecting little to no radio frequencies," Pox finally stated. "Unless all of 'hu-mans' have switched off everything electrical, I don't think we're on Earth anymore."
"Then where in the Sam Hell are we?" Crypto shouted, panicking at the thought of so many monkey lives he hadn't ruined yet. There was still so much to do, damn it!
"The only way to gain information is to experiment," Pox stated calmly. "First off, can you still use your PK abilities?"
Looking around, Crypto spotted a large boulder. Focusing on it, he picked it up with little difficulty.
"Careful!" Pox reinstated. "Your last incarnatio-"
"Yeah, I know, I know," Crypto reminded him. "At least he lasted more than 10 years…"
"Now, let's see… ah, I've located your Zap-o-matic! It's…a few feet in front of you."
Speak of the devil, so it was! Grabbing his weapon, he was reminded why he loved cooking things to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit in three seconds flat.
"Alright, now, what can I cook?" he asked. Luckily, some cows heard the conversation and decided to see what the commotion was all about.
"Right this way, Martha," one cow said to the other. "Now, little man, what seems to be the prob-"
"AH!" Crypto shouted, turning around and activating his Zap-o-matic. Instantly, the two cows were 'well done'.
"Mmm…anyone up for barbeque?" Crypto asked, delivering his one-liner.
"If I was actually biological, perhaps," said Orthropox. He shook his holographic head. "Focus, focus! Now, Crypto, I need you to search for intelligent life, and this time, don't fry it!"
Crypto nodded and ran off to find more life. He was knocked pretty far away from his saucer, so when he got there, he was surprised to see something else was there too.
"Pox, what the hell am I seeing here?" Crypto asked, pointing from beyond the cover of the trees.
"Mmm…they appear to be horses, ponies to be more accurate. And look, some of them have wings! And horns!"
"Unicorns! Where was I dropped off: inside a five year old girl's head? Get me the hell out of here, Pox!"
"Not so fast, my impulsive friend. We may be able to learn something from these 'ponies'. Cortex Scan them to hear what they're thinking!"
Rolling his eyes, Cryptosporidium did what he was asked. He picked the purple one first.
'Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I HAVE to report this to Princess Celestia right away! I hope Spike brought a pen and some paper with him…
"Princess Celestia, mmm?" Orthropox questioned, having listened into the Scan. "Must be their leader! Cortex Scan another one!"
Crypto scanned the yellow one next.
'Oh, I hope this extra life form is alright. I just couldn't sleep at night knowing that a poor, defenseless, creature is dying out here…'
"Defenseless!" Crypto snarled. "You've just made my list, pony!" He Scanned the rainbow colored one next.
'Ah man, I totally want to touch that thing right now! But Applejack would probably scold me. Mm, now that I notice it, Applejack has some nice flanks…'
Shaking his head in disgust, Crypto scanned the orange one next.
'Now what in the hay is this? Maybe Grandma wasn't lyin' when she was sproutin' that alien nonsense. And is it me, but is Rainbow Dash starein' at mah cutie marks an awful strongly like…'
"Wait, what's this?" Pox asked, looking at their biometric data. "An anomaly…scan more ponies Crypto!" Doing as he was asked, he scanned the white one next.
'Mm, didn't expect this when I was drinking my coffee this morning. And- oh dear Celestia, is Rainbow Dash checking out Applejack? If she's that's desperate, maybe I should offer her one of my toys after all…
"Yes, yes! I mean, yes to the Scanning, not the-ug, just scan some more!"
Last was the pink pony.
'Oh, what's that? And that! And that! Oh, I wonder what that thingie does, and what does that thing do, and that looks special! Shiny! Pretty! Fancy!'
"Mm, now let's see…oh my Arkvoodle, it can't be! Crypto, quick, create a distraction now, no questions asked!"
Panicking, Crypto picked up a boulder and launched it at some trees. While the ponies turned around to see what the commotion was, Orthropox activated the ship's cloaking generator. When the ponies turned back, it looked like the spaceship had just simply vanished into thin air.
"WHAT!" the purple one shouted. "How did this happen? Guys, get the rest of the town, we need to find that spaceship!"
After the ponies dispersed, Crypto turned back to Pox. "Alright, Poxy, what's got you so spooked? Do these ponies slowly kill of Furons just by standing around, 'cause I swear, I think my package just shrunk a little, if you know what I mean. Hehe…wait, that's not funny."
"No, Crypto, I've found out something else: these creatures are made from Magykamite!"
"…what-ite?"
"Magykamite, or more commonly referred to as 'Magyk', is an ultra-rare element! It has many uses, such as building better energy sources, expanding the mind, being used as a rather delicious spice, the works. And it seems that hidden deep within the brains of these creatures is a sprinkle of Magyk…"
"So we harvest their brains then? I'm liking this plan…"
"NO!" Orthropox yelled at Crypto. "Harvesting the brain greatly dismisses the amount of Magyk in it! Meet me in the morning and we'll start our plans of total world domination then…"
"Yeah, let me just sleep on the cold hard ground," Crypto said, waving Pox off and walking into the forest. "Not like I'm stranded on a alien planet- oh wait, I F#&KING AM!"
We open again to Orthropox and a very cranky Cryptosporidium behind the Sweet Apple Acres barn. Strangely, standing with them is a tiki of Arkvoodle, Lord of the Sacred Crouch.
"Crypto, look at what I found!" Pox exclaimed, clearly excited. Sleepily glancing at the statue, Crypto was shocked into wakefulness.
"Holy crap, where did that come from!" Crypto asked, pointing at the idol.
'Silly Furon, wherever there is genitalia, there shall be Arkvoodle!' Arkvoodle responded in his booming, yet pleasant, voice. 'And there's a reason they call him 'Big' Macintosh, ha! But, seriously, if you can help me destroy their farming equipment, I would gladly activate a landing zone for your saucer. I'll transport you to it right now!'
Suddenly, Crypto found himself up in the air in his saucer, abet that it was in poor condition. Pox appeared next to him
"Alright, Crypto, you remember how to Transmogify?"
"Yeah, yeah, get off my back!" With that, he took off. He hovered over a plow and tractored it in. He then disassembled it for parts, destroying it while repairing his ship. In moments the ship was fixed.
"Goood," said Orthropox. "Now, do it on another one and we can get the Death Ray online!"
Doing as Pox instructed, Crypto quickly got the Death Ray online and functional. Arkvoodle was pleased as this turn of events.
'Alright! Now no more shall these insolent ponies bother the Godlike and Omnificent Arkvoodle with their bucking farming! Landing Zone Activated!'
The Arkvoodle idol sunk into the ground, allowing Crypto a place to land. Once he had and had gotten out of the saucer, he confronted Pox.
"Great, now can I go to the meditation chamber now? My back is killing me…"
"Not yet, Crypto," said Pox. "First, I need some Magyk to study. Find some defenseless ponies and rip their imagination out!"
Crypto rolled his eyes, but ventured out anyway. Pretty soon, he encountered two female ponies traveling down a lonesome path. One was mint green with a lyre on her flank and another was white with wrapped candies. Crypto lunged into the bushes to avoid being seen.
"Alright, Crypto," said Pox, appearing next to him in the bushes. "Focus on one of their brains but don't pop it out! Instead, try pulling out a specific part."
Focusing on the green one, Crypto didn't focus on the brain as a whole, but rather search for a specific part. He found it in the creativity section of the brain. Narrowing his eyes, he began to pull whatever was there out.
"Lyra, are you okay?" asked the white one.
"I don't know, Bon-bon. I feel strange. Like someone is trying to-ah!" Suddenly, a blue pixel like object flew out of Lyra head, heading to Crypto. Her color faded and she slumped to the ground. Her friend instantly ran to her aid.
"Mm, extraction of Magyk from an organic being results in a depressed mood state," said Pox, observing the creature's reaction. He then shrugged his arms. "No water off my back, as they say! Now, for alternate ways to gather Magyk…"
"Oh yeah!" said Crypto, arms head out to receive the Anal Probe. "Let me peg that target, it's sitting right in front of me!" However, what he got was not what he was expecting.
It looked like the Anal Probe, but was colored hot pink.
"Pox?" asked Crypto.
"Yes, Cryptosporidium?" asked Orthropox.
"What. The. Hell. Is this?" he asked, pointing at the re-colored gun.
"Well, biometric scans of these creatures show that if stimulated enough, their Magyk will blow out their diminutive heads." Pox answered calmly.
"Wait, you mean we're…"
"Yes, Crypto," said Pox. "We are literally going to f*!k her brains out."
Crypto turned to the camera before responding. "Why the hell did you not develop this for monkey women?"
"Stay focused, Crypto! Now, I trust you know how to use this gun?"
"Yeah, yeah," said Crypto, charging up the 'Pleasure' Probe and pointing it at the white pony's rear. When it was fully charged, he fired it, sinking it deep in her-
"OH SWEET CELESTIA!" Bon-bon screamed, a foreign object entering her neather regions. She ran around wildly, trying to get it out.
"Oh goddess, oh goddess, oh…yeahhhh…" she finally just laid down and took it. Pretty soon, her Magyk blew out and the piece of Furon technology dismantled itself.
Crypto walked over to the stimulated pony. Although her color had faded, she had a huge grin and her tongue was sticking out.
"Frankly, dear Pox, I'm disgusted with you…and to be honest, myself a little bit."
"Get over it Crypto," rebutted Pox. "They are sure to have some form of defense or military on this world. So, if it comes to it, do not hesitate to…"
Pox paused for dramatic effect.
"DESTROY! ALL! PONIES!"
