Who Would Leave Their Son out in the Sun?
A pair of hooves wrapped around Moondancer. They held her close, a forcefield against the cascading snow that fell just out of reach. The hooves squeezed her slightly, rubbing against her fur as they pulled her even closer. Any semblance of space was gone, the two ponies now one. Warmth was shared between them as they watched the snowfall.
Moondancer felt safe, like all that was bad in the world could no longer reach her, could no longer torment her. Everything wrong was burned to ashes by the heat created by the closeness of two bodies. There was nothing but the love that resonated between the two that lay together, enveloped in eachother's embrace.
She looked up from the spot where she lay, her head resting on her lover's chest, into those captivating violet eyes. The ones that she had found herself drawn to so long ago, now a beacon of light in the sea of white that surrounded them. They held so much love and adoration as they stared back into Moondancer's own unbreaking gaze.
So much was said with so little.
A contended sigh, followed by a nuzzle into the other pony's chest. "You know what I think?"
The response was a kiss on the tip of her horn, one which made her heart burst at the seams.
"I'm just," She began, "I'm so glad we could finally put everything behind us and.." She trailed off, trying to find the words. "I don't know how to describe it. I just want you to know, that I've never been happier than I am, at this moment. Here with you, I feel so, well, at peace. Like I can let go of everything and look ahead to a bright future, because of you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want to thank you for.. for everything."
A few moments of silence passed, soundtracked only by the snow softly hitting the ground.
"..I wish I had chosen this life, though."
Everything faded in an instant, the white of the snow overtaking all else.
Moondancer awoke to find that she was hugging herself, her blanket held tightly against her in the absence of another. That was what had given her the fleeting sensation of warmth.
A sigh, fogging up the glasses she had forgotten to take off before falling asleep.
Her arms were crossed one over the other, like she was a corpse resting in an overturned coffin. She turned from her side onto her back, a yawn leaving her as she tried to cling onto the last remnants of sleep. It didn't work.
A crushing weight trapped Moondancer in place the moment she tried to move. Her body ached all over. All the energy she'd had was drained immediately, her limbs going limp as she was reduced to staring at the ceiling, the aching throughout her body growing.
Another day, another struggle to get out of bed in the morning.
She pressed her hooves against her eyes as she tried to steady her breathing. In, then out. In, then out. She rubbed her eyes before removing her hooves, the stars that filled her vision now gone.
"Celestia.." She groaned, her voice coming out gravelly. It scratched her throat to make any semblance of noise. Her mind contemplated many things— the bird violently smashing its beak into her window, the buzzing in her head that foretold a migraine, the uncomfortable dryness of her mouth —until, with another resounding groan, she used all of her willpower to force herself up and into a sitting position.
Two books that had lay face down on the bed alongside her were tossed onto the floor at the motion. A third had been knocked off at some point in the night by her periodic leg movements. The noise of the pages rustling stirred her slightly. She slowly, slowly leaned over to check if there was any damage. None that she could see, thankfully.
Of course her first instinct was to make sure her precious books weren't damaged. They were the only things she still had, the only things she hadn't thrown away. All that she did was read, or study to get better at the magic that she knew she would never actually use. It was all pointless, just something to bide the time, but she'd rather that than do anything else.
If she had to go for too long with nothing but her thoughts, then there was no telling what would happen. So she filled her life with words that she wished she could write, stories she wished she had told, instructions she wished she would follow.
She took a single glance at the spines of each book before returning them to their proper place in her library. She knew the library more than she knew herself. All the books were well-worn from years of use, some of them she'd kept from her foalhood. Getting knew ones would require leaving the comfort of her home, and she couldn't have that, even if the comfort was dwindling.
Moondancer removed her blanket and left the warm clutches of her bed. The frigid air bit at her, leading her to slip into her sweater. Shivers still racked her body even after the sweater was put on.
The pounding on the window ceased, but the pounding in her head continued.
Her gaze was drawn to her desk, where upon it was a face down picture frame, a stained letter, and a knocked over bottle of ink, creating a black puddle which held a broken quill.
Every part of her was screaming at her to ignore the scene, to throw all of it in the garbage and forget that anything had ever happened. Her memory of the prior night was fuzzy at best, even more reason to move past whatever had transpired.
But alas, the rational side of her was ignored as she took a seat at her desk. She looked down at the blotchy letter. It held only a few words.
I'm sorry. I love you.
It was the only legible text, the rest either crossed out or covered in spilt ink. Dried tears marred the page, leaving darkened pools scattered all over.
She read the sentences again, aloud this time.
"I'm sorry. I love you."
Confusion clouded her mind. Her pulse quickened, but she couldn't explain why. Her gaze fell to the photo. Something was drawing her to it, pulling her closer and closer until she tentatively picked it up.
Only the frame was lifted. The photo fell out, fluttering to the table alongside tiny shards of glass. Moondancer swept the glass into a nearby garbage can and picked up the photograph. Her hooves began shaking as soon as she saw the contents.
Six friends sat together under the shade of a tree. Her, and her old friends. All of them were staring into the camera, wide smiles on their faces. All except two.
One of the ponies had her face scribbled out, but it would have been impossible to not know who it was. She was too busy reading to take note of the camera's presence.
Then, there was her.
Smiling at Twilight, and only Twilight. A mirror image in terms of style, the only difference being the colors and the expression. Twilight's was hidden, buried beneath the surface. Moondancer had the brightest smile she could have possibly given.
And Twilight never knew, never understood just how much she was loved. No matter how often Moondancer tried and tried to recieve the affection she gave, it was always fruitless. Twilight just didn't care about her that way, so why could she never move on?
Because she was the first pony to ever show kindness to Moondancer. The first to offer friendship, the first to even acknowledge that she was present. So much of her life would have been irreparably worse if her and Twilight had never met.
Twilight was the one who made her work to be better, to grow out of the shell she'd surrounded herself with. It was impossible to name all the good things Twilight brought into her life.
But, conversely, she brought so much pain.
Not all of it was entirely her fault— Moondancer losing her sense of identity was because she tried her hardest to be like Twilight, not because of anything Twilight directly did —but she was always at the root of everything.
Being the only pony that Moondancer truly felt a bond with, it hurt so much more whenever there was a fracture in their relationship. The words cut deeper than they should have, the slammed doors echoed in her mind louder than they should have, and the promises..
She held onto them long after they were broken, hoping against hope that the damage they caused could be remedied.
Over time, the distance between her and the rest of her friend group only grew larger. She devoted all of her time to studying and being with Twilight, leaving no space for anything or anypony else. The connection she had with Twilight could never be replicated with another, so she didn't try. She kept them at arm's length, making idle conversation but never going further past that.
Once their times at school ended they had even less of a reason to spend time together. They still had the occasional get-togethers, but the group drifted into two smaller ones after a short while.
Twilight slowly became detached as well, her focus dead set on her studies. Little time was left for Moondancer, who sat from the outside looking in. She remained there, barely able to conversate anymore, because Twilight unknowingly held the last thread of Moondancer's happiness.
She had to, because things were going to get better, right?
Like a tidal wave, everything came crashing down.
The party was something she would never forget, for all the wrong reasons. The personalized invitations, the first time she had spoken to anyone besides Twilight in over a month. The night before, which she had spent tirelessly baking to perfection with Lemon Heart. The confused and dissapointed expressions on the ponies around her. The failed attempts to comfort her afterwards.
The missing pony, who gave no explanation for her absence.
That one day, those few minutes where she felt complete and utter isolation from the rest of the world, sparked something inside her. She shut herself out, cutting off all the ties she had. Her books became the only things she knew. Leaving the house became a thought of the past, outside of getting the bare necessities. Even then, she didn't get out often.
Living in solitude was turbulent. There were times where she felt great, where she believed that she never truly did need anypony else. Then she would see a photograph, or something else that reminded her of somepony she used to know. The facade would come crumbling down immediately.
Sometimes things would seem impossible, like she needed to be with another pony to truly be worth something. To be happy, she needed a connection. She needed to be loved. She was drowning, and only a lifeboat could save her.
But then she would swim to the shore just fine, and she would go back to feeling less than nothing.
Moondancer's mind constantly pushed and pulled in regards to what she truly wanted— to be alone or to be loved. If she found someone who sincerely cared for her, the void inside her had a chance to be filled, but if she put herself out there again, she chanced getting destroyed beyond repair.
There was too much of a risk involved, so she stayed holed up in her house. She beat herself up for it often, but she'd always remind herself that this was the best case scenario. It was either live in painful seclusion, or have her heart shattered into nothingness.
She'd rather hurt herself than let herself be hurt by another pony.
Her friends tried to reach out at first, concerned when they noticed that she was no longer around. Of course they only cared now, when she was at her lowest. When their help didn't work, they gave up on her, going about their lives and leaving her unbothered.
Was she now at peace?
She should have been. But she wasn't. She was busy musing over the bridges she had burnt and wondering why she had done nothing but ignite them further.
The ponies of the past all hung in the back of her mind, memories too far away to reach but too close to get rid of. She didn't know which she wanted to happen first.
But for now, she was alone.
She set the picture down. Her hooves were shaking far too much to hold it and she was too exhausted to use her magic. It wasn't worth it, she tried to reason. Her eyes fell onto Twilight again.
The Princess of Friendship, she now was. Ironic. She was doing better than ever while Moondancer was left behind, forgotten by many and ignored by all. This was what she had wanted, right? For Twilight to be happy, no matter how much it pained her?
Maybe. But maybe she just wanted to be the happy one for once.
The ghost of a smile crossed her face as she tore the picture in half, though it quickly turned into a bitter frown. A heavy sigh left her, followed by the ripped up photo landing in the garbage.
She stared down at the table, listening to the hum of a faraway crowd just outside her window. If she thought hard enough, she could picture herself out there, talking to others for the first time in who knows how long. Her mind drew a blank, instead creating nothing but an empty oblivion, a black hole that went on forever.
The only thing it housed was her, and her alone.
Author's Note
