Someone Steals Rainbow Dash's NFTs

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random
Length: 2122

It's not about the art, okay? It's about owning something unique! Or at least something that was...

Art thieves? In Equestria? It's more likely than you'd think!

Once again, notorious big brain mare Rainbow Q. Dash has gotten herself into a mighty pickle, and it's up to her friends to help her unpickle herself!

You hear that? She's Pickle Rainbow!

(She's not actually Pickle Rainbow, no one says that, I don't know why I put that there.)

"...as a cry of anguish at the continuing failure of the world to see this lunacy* for what it is, more power to its elbow." - Loganberry, Louder Yay

Audiobook by The Mystery Fluttershy Fan!

Quick review by abrony-mouse!

Published 2022-02-19 15:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-19 15:10:02 UTC

No, you know what? Screw you! *funges your tokens*

No, you know what? Screw you! *funges your tokens*

Someone Steals Rainbow Dash's NFTs
by Present Perfect

"Whoa, nelly!"

Applejack thrust a hoof against a nearby apple tree, steadying herself as the ground shook beneath her. Twilight took to the air, nimbly avoiding the worst of the shaking.

"Now I see what you mean!" She eyed the ground like she could never trust it again.

"It's just been these last couple o' days." Applejack let out a breath as the quake subsided. "Been in all different parts o' the orchard, too. None of us can make heads or tails of it."

Still hovering, Twilight tapped her chin. "Have you noticed any pattern in the location of the quakes? Are they always in this part of the orchard?"

Applejack frowned at the tree roots beneath her hooves. "Well, no, I hadn't thought to look at it that way. But now that you mention it--"

Whatever she was about to say apparently didn't matter, because at that moment, Twilight was pile-driven into the ground at lightning speed by The One And Only Rainbow Dash.

"Twilight! Twilight!" she shouted, though it sounded more like "Thrmgwmphplgrt" because she had also face-planted into the soft, supple orchard soil.

"Grnglfmrfpl," said Twilight Sparkle around a mouthful of loam. Once Applejack had helped her to her hooves, she clarified, "Get off me! Rainbow Dash, what in the wide, wide world of Equestria is going on?"

"Theft!" cried Rainbow, sinking to her knees and throwing her hooves up to the heavens. "Pilfering! Stolen goods! I've been robbed blind! My life is ruuuuiiiined!" And she broke down into big, disgusting sobs.

Twilight and Applejack shared a look. Moving over to place a comforting leg around Rainbow's withers, Twilight said, "Rainbow, c'mon, what's wrong? Take a deep breath and tell me, I promise I'll do anything I can to help."

Hooves over her eyes, Rainbow could only hiccup in between sobs. Finally, she managed to choke out, "Th-they s-s-stole my art!"

Twilight and AJ agreed they should all find somewhere to let Rainbow calm down. Applejack had suggested cider in the barn. By the time Rainbow Dash had asked for a second mug of cider, Applejack figured she was feeling calm enough to milk the situation for a free taste of the good stuff. But could she really blame her friend? It was good cider, after all.

"Now start from the beginning," said Twilight, taking a seat on a haybale across from Rainbow. "I never knew you were an art collector!"

Rainbow took in a long breath, had another pull of cider, and breathed out.

"Yeah," she said, voice trembling, "just recently, I've started investing my crypto into minting NFTs on the blockchain."

Twilight looked at Applejack. Applejack looked at Twilight. AJ was pretty sure her friend's eyes had swirling spirals in them.

"What," she asked, "did any of that mean, exactly?"

"You mean haven't heard of the blockchain?"

Rainbow Dash had never been tested for autism, but in that moment, her face lit up with the excited, anticipatory glee only someone about to indulge in gushing about their current obsession could have.

"Okay, so, the Diamond Dogs, right? They've got this exploratory mining operation going on right now."

She got up and started to pace, gesticulating to punctuate her words.

"Only, instead of using their claws or shovels or whatever to dig, they've got this chain. And the chain, see, it's made up of big linked blocks. I think they're wood? Or maybe metal? I dunno. But it's not important!

"What's important is, they have this big, huge chain hooked up to a machine that spins it around a whole bunch. And that's what tunnels through the dirt and rocks and stuff. You with me so far?"

Twilight shrugged and looked at Applejack, who also shrugged.

"It's like..." Dash tapped her chin for a moment. "Remember that time I had to go to Sugarcube Corner and help Pinkie Pie snake out the Cakes' pipes after burrito night?"

Applejack's nose wrinkled. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Twilight turning green. Neither of them would ever forget the smell.

"It's kinda like that, just not as gross.

"You're both doing really well, by the way! Not everypony can really grasp the subtle intricacies of all this stuff, y'know." Rainbow Dash grinned like someone who thought they could grasp the subtle intricacies of a situation beyond their ken.

"So, the chain goes spinning around and around, and it digs up a bunch of stuff. If it gets too far out, they stop it and add another block at the machine end to give it some slack. It's a pretty slick setup, if you ask me."

"They let you watch it or somethin'?" asked Applejack, scratching her hat.

"Nah," said Rainbow with a shrug. "That's just what the guy who sold me my first BiteCoins said."

From her mane, Rainbow produced a coin. It was a solid third bigger than a standard bit, the right size to take up the surface of a frog, and a good deal thicker as well. The word "Bite" had been stamped on one side, along with a picture of a Diamond Dog gazing stoically into the middle ground. Rainbow flipped it over, to show the word "Coin" and what they could only surmise was a depiction of the aforementioned Block-Chain. The whole thing was a dull golden color, not actually gold, but close enough that it might fit easily into somepony's collection.

"This baby right here?" Rainbow said. "Five hundred bits, easy."

Applejack whistled. "Whoa nelly! They're mintin' super-valuable coins outta what they mine? I might need to get in on this!"

"I mean..." Rainbow put the coin away and waved her other hoof noncommittally. "Not really? They just sort of gave me this and told me how much it was. There was a bunch of technical jargon I didn't really pay attention to."

"All right," said Twilight, in the manner of someone not all right with anything, let alone the status quo. "So the Diamond Dogs are digging up coins or something in the middle of nowhere. How does this relate to your... What was it? Double-you-tee-effs?"

"NFTs." Dash rolled her eyes. "That stands for Non-Fungal Tokens. 'Cause they don't have any fungus or mold growing in them. That's very important." This last bit she said as though she understood fully what it meant and therefore had a keen grasp of its significance.

"Uh," said Twilight, "okay. So they're giving out wooden tokens that are... clean."

"No, not wood." Rainbow poked at the floor for a bit. "How to explain it? Like, okay, you know how I said this was all about art?"

AJ and Twilight nodded.

"So the art is stored in a warehouse somewhere. I don't know where, it's the NFTs that are important here." She stood and began pacing. "They're like, a spot on a list that tells you what art you own." She stopped and jabbed a hoof at them. "This is very important. The NFT tells you that you own a piece of real art in a warehouse somewhere that the Diamond Dogs are keeping safe for you."

"Or they were keeping safe for you," said Applejack, her eyebrow raised.

Rainbow winced. "You don't have to rub it in."

"So what happened?" Twilight said, her attention focused on Dash. "Did somepony break into the art warehouse and steal it all?"

Rainbow Dash sighed. She groaned. She all but swooned from the drama.

"If only!" she moaned. "Then it would still be unique!" She heaved a great sob from deep within her core. A single tear tracked down her cheek.

"They took a picture of my art!"

Applejack glanced at Twilight to see her wearing the same frown as herself.

"Not sure I'm following you there," said Twilight. "How are you going to show other ponies what the art piece looks like if you don't have pictures of it?"

The grinding of Rainbow's teeth became audible. "That's not the point! Who cares what the art looks like? The point is I own it! Me! Rainbow Danger Professionalism Dash! Not some random pony with a camera!"

AJ and Twilight were pretty sure they could see steam escape from her ears.

"And now they're out there spreading their horseapple photographs around, which means my art isn't unique anymore! I may as well own a hole in the ground!"

And with that, Rainbow Dash collapsed into crying once more.

Twilight seemed to grow sad right alongside her, though the confusion was clear on her face. Applejack held out a hoof to stop her from going to Dash's aid.

"Now let me get this straight, sugarcube," she said. "You're upset on account of the Diamond Dogs gave you some coins they dug out o' the ground with some kinda giant industrial sewer snake, that you then spent to put your name on a dang list that claims you own a piece of art that just anypony can go gawk 'n take pictures at, and now you're out five hundred bits?"

"Probably more like two thousand," Rainbow said with a sniff.

"Goldurnit!" Applejack doffed her hat and slammed it onto the ground. "Rainbow Dash, you idjit, ya got plum hornswaggled!"

Twilight's eyes grew wide. That had been a lot of countryisms in a row.

"Rainbow, when you initially bought those coins from the Diamond Dogs, did they maybe mention anything about getting more bits if you brought more ponies into the system?"

"I mean..." Dash's eyes searched the ground for a bit. "Yeah, actually. I'm not really a salespony though, so I wasn't really planning on doing it." She brightened suddenly. "But if you girls are interested--"

She was interrupted by the sound of Twilight facehoofing hard.

"Rainbow Dash, that's the most basic definition of a pyramid scheme! Applejack is absolutely correct, you've been swindled!"

Rainbow gave her that toothy, excited grin that told you she had only listened to the parts of what you'd just said that she actually wanted to hear.

"Wait, you mean they mint NFTs for whole pyramids? I need to get in on that action, I'd love to own a pyramid!"

Before anyone could continue to inform Rainbow Dash as to just what a dumb, stupid, dumb idiot she had been, an ominous rumble shook the ground.

"Whoa nelly!"

Applejack raced out of the barn, the other two hot on her heels. Outside, trees jolted up and down, shedding leaves, apples, birds and two very confused and embarrassed pegasi. But unlike previous quakes of that afternoon, the three ponies were forced to hold onto whatever was handy (because, as the previous body of this story has proven, Rainbow was too dumb to remember she could fly) as the ground bucked beneath them like a rolling sea.

Trees began to topple as the waves of earth grew more and more violent. There was an earsplitting crack! as something breached the surface.

"Look!" cried Twilight, pointing to it.

High overhead, something long and rectangular did whatever the long, large version of wibbling was. It thrashed and crashed about like a giant snake trying to escape an unwanted rider. The more it moved, the wider the rent in the earth became. The wider it became, the more trees it swallowed.

Rainbow Dash's face lit up, even as she flounced about on the ground like a big, dumb, blue fish. "It's the blockchain!"

The only reason Applejack wasn't weeping internally for the lost trees was because she was certain she was going to die right then. But it was only just.

"Consarnit, Rainbow Dash," she choked out, "your cockamamie chain thing is destroyin' my orchard!"

All of a sudden, the shaking stopped. The giant block snake disappeared back into the earth with a soft "ptui" sound. Rainbow dashed out and scooped up the tiny, shiny object it had dislodged. Then she started doing that annoying thing where she dances in midair.

"Aw yeah!" she chanted. "Aw yeah! I got a BiteCoin! It's worth probably a thousand bits! I'm rich now, whoo-hoo!"

Applejack surveyed what remained after the carnage. Rainbow Dash danced above a featureless wreck of broken earth. Nothing of the orchard had survived.

She pulled her hat down over her eyes.

"Goddammit, Rainbow Dash!" shouted Twilight. She flew up to Dash and smacked the coin out of her hoof. "Can't you see what your desire for material excess over all else has cost us?

"Thanks to the blockchain, now there's No Fucking Trees!"

Author's Note

I just wish laughing at these fucking idiots was enough to get them to stop. :')

Big thanks to Super Trampoline for feedback and encouragement!