A Tightrope Between Light and Darkness
Luna’s eyes fluttered open as she woke up in the guest room of Fluttershy’s cottage, waking up to the chirping of birds and paws scurrying around the woodboards. Fortunately she wasn’t waking up to the animals herself with the door shut and locked, but she would have to soon enough. Every time the sun began to set, Luna’s body would jolt awake on instinct, and she would step out to her castle balcony and pull the moon up as the stars began to appear in the night sky. But for the past week, it was not a balcony, but the darkness of the forest. Unlike Canterlot, there was only the sounds of owls and crickets to listen to during her task.
Luna slipped out of the covers and walked to the door, opening it and closing it quickly before the rodents could dash past her. Stretching her wings and her neck, Luna shook her mane and walked to the kitchen, where a single raspberry pastry with vanilla drizzle was waiting for her.
If only Celestia could stick with these and not the pancakes drowned in whipped cream and every fruit known to ponykind!
Luna ate the pastry within less than ten minutes, and proceeded to leave the cottage. As she walked up a hillside surrounded by trees, Luna ignited her horn and proceeded to lift the moon as the sun disappeared completely. Luna never tired of gazing at the different kinds of night sky that covered all of Equestria. Even now, there was hurt still seeping in her chest over the ponies that she put in harm’s way throughout all the years. Even with Celestia’s ridiculous culinary tastes, she’d eat them every day if it brought her a inch closer back to her sister each time. They were in a much better place now, but Luna knew in her heart that they still had a long way to go. The words that came out of her mouth, the bitterness and lies she told herself until she believed the only way to peace was to destroy her sister and take over, and experiencing the cycle in her head over and over again for a thousand years, having it tear apart her insides until she couldn’t tell up from down anymore...that took more than a couple of years and getting rid of the Tantabus to fix.
Walking back towards the cottage, Luna turned to the red blanket nearby where Fluttershy waited for her. Smiling and glowing as if the sun had never left, Luna felt the pain further twist in her chest. She couldn’t bring herself to believe she deserved that smile, or the grass underneath her for that matter.
Fluttershy’s smile faltered.
“Luna, I know that look,” Fluttershy shook her head. “Just come here and sit with me, you can do that, right?”
Princess Luna nodded, taking another few steps and sitting on the blanket where she could smell Fluttershy’s floral scent from there. This cycle of succumbing to darker feelings with the more love she was given had to end soon, she had to believe that Celestia never wanted her to feel like this, whether it was over a thousand years ago or at this very moment. The hardest part was that no matter who she pointed the hoof to, it was just a mask for the mirror looking back at her. The mare that either blamed herself too much or too little…the mare of dreams and nightmares.
Fluttershy put her hoof on Luna’s, and Luna felt the fear seeping away as she focused on Fluttershy’s gaze.
“Shhh,” Fluttershy whispered. “Tell me what you were thinking about, Princess Luna. Was it the Tantabus, the day you were banished, or your time on the moon?”
“A little bit of all of them,” Luna admitted.
“And…” Fluttershy paused. “Are any of these happening right now?”
“N-No,” Luna sighed. “But you don’t understand Fluttershy…I may get over this guilt, but I can’t accept your love, my sister’s love, or anypony’s for that matter.”
“And why is that?” Fluttershy whispered.
“Because I don’t deserve it, I can’t have done all of these horrendous acts and possibly be rewarded with your forgiveness and friendship,” Luna sighed. “It hurts more each time, but I can’t just bring myself to say no to it. Oh for Starswirl’s sake, what kind of a pony does that make me?”
“One that needs love,” Fluttershy responded. “Luna, you might be mad at me for this.”
“Mad at you for wha-” Luna gasped as Fluttershy lunged for her, embracing the blue alicorn in a way where her forelegs pressed against her chest and her wings against her back. She squirmed, never enough to actually escape the pegasus, and that was part of the game she played with Fluttershy at the expense of both their hearts. Fluttershy, or Celestia for that matter, would always fly back to her for the glimmer of love they saw in her. And just as they flew close enough to see the years of pain and trauma that shattered her, Luna would swipe that light up and throw it away into the darkness. One night, she told herself, perhaps she would make a different choice.
“Just breathe with me,” Fluttershy told her, breathing in as Luna did the same.
Luna breathed in, imaging the Tantabus flying to the moon and disappearing out of sight. Fluttershy and Luna were flying above the night clouds in the image. The night sky was a dark purple and the clouds were vaguely pink and blue underneath the white stars, and Luna focused on the image as she felt a burning in her heart that cried out to her, begging her to stop the cycle. It was easier said than done.
Luna breathed out, and with Fluttershy hugging her in a tight grip, repeated the same breathing motions several times as the raging fears and anger faded into the background for the time being.
“I know the guilt may feel insurmountable, but I can help you get through this,” Fluttershy whispered, pulling back from the hug to meet Luna’s eyes. “We all love you.”
“I know…” Luna looked away.
…and that’s the worst part.
