Applejack Has a Run-in with the IRS
"Is Miss Applejack there?"
A loud pounding was coming from the door. The voice was unrecognizable, but it's professional tone sounded vaguely familiar to Applejack. She caught bad vibes from whoever was behind that door, but approached it anyways. But before she could open it, Apple Bloom, the young and ecstatic filly raced over to the door and swung it wide open.
"What could I do you, er, Applejack for?"
She squeed ecstatically at the tan-coated stallion with suit and tie standing outside. The Apple family rarely got any visitors out here other than from Applejack and her friends, so expectedly, they were eager to please.
In the meanwhile, Applejack had recognized that tone and quickly hid herself away. It wasn't time was it? It wasn't really them?
"Miss Apple Bloom, do you know where your sister, Applejack is?"
"Sure do, she's- wait a minute.. how in the hay do you know mah name?"
The stallion let out a chuckle and adjusted his aviator shades at her question.
"Why, we're the government. Of course we know everyone's names! In fact, according to the Canterlot databases, we also know that you buck an average of 657.82 apples a day, your ip address is 187.902.1.72, you've nearly burned down Sugarcube Corner when baking cupcakes with Pinkie Pie, and you also had a crush on-"
Suddenly, Granny Smith, barged in and started giving the stallion the stinky eye.
"Now wha' do you think you're doin' out on our property causin' a ruckus?"
"Apologies, Granny Smith and Apple Bloom. Name's Pesky Tax and I work for the Internal Revenue Service, the IRS. I'm out here to see if Miss Applejack's here. If she isn't, we'll be on our way."
"And juss' why do you need to see her?"
"Well, I know you Earth Ponies aren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but deducing from my name, I think you should realize that she's been overdue on her taxes, Granny Smith. Canterlot requires bits for government projects and programs. How else do you think you're going to get the healthcare you need when you do inevitable shrivel up and die, but we charge exorbitatnt prices just to keep you breathing?"
Apple Bloom piped up.
"Wha' are taxes Granny?"
Granny turned to Apple Bloom and calmly explained:
"Dear, it's the government tryna' steal all our hard-earned bits."
Turning back to Pesky Tax, her expression grew more sour than an actual granny smith and she spat on him.
"Mah Applejack don't need to pay you devils a single bit! The whole lot of you spew the same thing over and over again. Ah' don't need you're healthcare! Ah' don't need those oxygemuffle things keeping me breathin' nor a deathbed! Ah'll work as long as I live, keepin' this farm runnin' with or without you stinkin' thieves!"
"I was afraid it would come to this."
He placed his hooves in his mouth and gave a whistle. 3 stallions magically teleported themselves right behind Pesky Tax, one of them wielding a rocket launcher, the other a minigun, and the third a pear, the Apple Family's worst enemy. PeskyTax now reiterated himself. "Now, where is Miss Applejack?"
Applejack had expected this. From where she hid, she had stashed an AR-15 and was sticking a magazine in it at the moment. Only one problem. She had hooves. "How the hay am ah' going to fire this thing?" she muttered under her breath as she fiddled with the weapon.
Pesky Tax heard her complaints and perked up his ear.
"I think we found our target." He shoved right past Granny Smith and Apple Bloom and forced himself and his cronies into the living room, where he found Applejack trying to fit her hoof into the trigger guard. "It looks like you're having trouble, Miss Applejack. You're under arrest for evading your taxes and failing to pay a sum of-"
But Applejack had heard enough of his snobby voice. She abandoned all hope of firing the AR-15, as beautiful as it would've been to tear 4 government officials to mincemeat. Tossing up the rifle, she turned around and reared her hind legs, and bucked the rifle straight into Pesky Tax's left eye.
A scream of pain was let out and his bogeymen jerked away in shock, paralyzed by how quickly the situation escalated, despite the fact they're holding weapons capable of obliterating an apple farmer. Applejack quickly took advantage of this and dashed out of the house and into the apple orchards, thinking of where she could go. She would hope her friends could help her against the IRS.
After Pesky had finished crying like a filly, he screeched at the dumbfounded stallions. "GET HER YOU NINCOMPOOPS! HER TAXES GO TO YOUR PAYROLL!"
The stallions snapped out of it and started hoisiting their weapons. Launching rockets, spraying the apple apple orchards with lead, and hopelessly throwing a pear at her, thinking it would do anything. Due to the poor handling that hooves give, Applejack was able to get away scot-free.
"TWAHLIGHT!"
Applejack bursted through the friendship castle, panting and wheezing. She looked up to see all of her friends, giving her concerned looks. Applejack's usually level-headed enough to be able to deal with her problems without going full frenzy mode (at least that's what the writers were supposed to do), so when Applejack panics, all hell's broken loose.
Twilight zapped herself to Applejack's side. "What's wrong Applejack?"
Out of breath, Applejack let out a small string of words that she hoped would make sense to her friends, but all that came out was, "Tecks... IRS... Gun... Money."
Obviously, her friends hadn't understood what the fuss was about because they were good citizens of Equestria and paid their taxes.
"What was that daarliing?" Rarity asked, trotting closer to Applejack.
All it took was a glance at Applejack's state to worry Fluttershy. "Aww you poor thing. She needs water, she's out of breath."
"Wow, really? You don't say Fluttershy?" snorted Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy ignored Rainbow Dash's sarcasm and quickly grapped a cup of water and nursed Applejack back to health, enough to speak coherent words. "The IRS, they've come after me. They just knocked on mah door and started demanding that I pay mah taxes, but obviously, that's theft, so ah' didn't give in, but then they started to pull out rockets and miniguns and PEARS and... and.. I came to you guys for help. Ah DARNIT, they must've followed me. No no no no ah' led them to you guys. They're going to... they're..."
Twilight shut her up. "Calm down Applejack. Let me run it again. You didn't pay your taxes?"
"No! Why would ah'?"
"Because it's your obligation as an Equestrian citizen to pay them!"
Rarity intervened and pulled her drama couch over to start bawling over the IRS. "Excuuuse me Twilight! Applejack is right! Those rats don't have any right to tax us! Do you know how much my business has suffered from them? The horror, HORROR! I'm apalled by your boot licking!"
"Boot licking? Then don't live here! Take your business somewhere else!"
Soon, it turned into a civil war of bickering and bantering over the morality of the IRS taxation.
"I've worked my whole life to be in the Wonderbolts! They don't deserve my minimum wage payroll! It's bad enough that I'm not insured."
"How else is my animal sanctuary going to function?"
"We should be advocating for an overthrow of the monarchy anyways!"
"This castle wouldn't exist if I didn't get subsidies!"
"They're grimy hooves have no right to take mah' bits!"
"My party planning cave needs the funding to run! Do you know how much your business can tank when other ponies learn that it operates on child labor!?"
Everypony shut up and looked at Pinkie.
"Whaaat? You guys didn't really think I was a supernatural pony that managed to have the bubbliness and enthusiasm to throw parties while having the stress to plan everything, craft my party supplies, clean my confetti cannon, and stalk everypony to know what kind of party I should throw for them on a weekly basis, did you?" She gave a cute Squee.
Twilight was just about to zap Pinkie into the mirror pond and rid Equestria of all her child labor antics until her doors exploded open to reveal Pesky Tax.
"APPLEJAAACK!"
Twilight glared at Applejack. "I'm disappointed in you." She charged her horn and teleported herself to Pesky's side, dissociating herself from the treasonous mess that Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity were. Fluttershy and Pinkie followed, flying and sproinging their ways over.
Applejack had expected this. She had them take the political compass test the week before and they were all dirty authoritarians or even worse. Leftists. She braced herself, giving a good look at Rainbow Dash and Rarity. The elements of Loyalty and Generosity, willing to sacrifice themselves to help a dear friend.
Rainbow leaned over to Applejack. "Psst, AJ. How much do you owe them anyways?"
"Er, uh, 1 bit if ah' recall. Ah' live off of apples so ah' barely pay any sales tax."
Rainbow and Rarity's mouths dropped to the floor.
"YOU OWE A BIT?"
"Darn right. You sure you ain't gon' deaf Rainbow, 'cause I think I said it pretty clearly."
Rarity was just about to smash Applejack with her drama couch. "YOU MADE THIS MUCH TROUBLE BECAUSE OF A BIT?"
"Well it's theft Rarity! They can't tread on me!"
Twilight shouted from across the room. "The hay's going on over there?" She wanted to get this over with so she could return to her royal duties as princess and exploit the taxpayer's money to repair the doors Pesky just obliterated.
"Can you believe in Twilight? AJ owns A BIT!"
"ONE BIT?"
"Yes darling! She just made me waste my drama couch over a bit!"
Twilight furiously turned to Pesky Tax. "You harassed my friends because of a BIT?"
"Well by definition, harassing is the act of aggressive pressure or intimidation. My intent was not to pressure nor intimidate, just make her pay her due to Equestria."
Twilight was now fuming. But she couldn't just blame Pesky for being petulant over a bit. She flew over to Applejack and looked her dead in the eye. "You owe them a bit and you're refusing to pay them."
"Yup! Darn r-"
Twilight gave Applejack a firm hoof-slap across the face and proceeded to give her a bit. She was an alicorn and supposedly to live for hundreds of year. She did not want to die from a stroke right now dealing with Applejack and the IRS. "Give this to Pesky Tax. It's on me."
"Bu-"
Twilight's horn was now cackling and beaming with anger. "DO IT!"
Applejack jerked away and threw in the towel. She trotted over to Pesky Tax and slapped the bit into his hoove.
"Happy?"
"NO! YOU STILL OWE ME AN EYE!"
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Not mah' problem. If only Equestrian healthcare wasn't so demanding on tax money and costing thousands of bits just to buy a pill."
The pear-wielding stallion piped up. "Why don't we just use our horns and just manifest a new eye for you?"
Pesky Tax grumbled "Because the writer hate the IRS and refuse to help us out."
With the stallions now trotting away back to Canterlot, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Rarity was resting on her drama couch, relieved that it didn't get damaged in the firefight that could've happened. Rainbow Dash checked her account and made sure she was on top of her tax payments. Fluttershy was just glad that the bit was paid and her animal sanctuary wouldn't fall into disrepair because nopony in this world is generous enough to help out animals. Twilight felt a migraine coming and took two aspirin pills, secretly hoping that she would overdose herself and fall into a coma to get a rest from Ponyville and their antics. Applejack was hoping that she would be able to get into a conflict with the IRS and buck them to kingdom come and into the Equestria Girls universe where they can harass the humans there.
And Pinkie... she hoped to slink away and avoid Twilight's wrath at least for one more day.
Author's Note
First fanfiction. Was fun to create. I advise you to be as critical as you want since I'm still getting into this!