What If #1: Dealing with Dragons
Three Years Ago…
“Dragons?” Dr. Sorou asked. “You have dealings with…” He gulped. “…Dragons?”
“Yes, I do.” Princess Celestia replied. “I made a treaty a long time ago with them, but I fear that treaty may soon come to an end.”
“Why?” Dr. Sorou asked.
“Because the parents of a certain dragon are sure to awaken, soon.” She replied. “And I must be there for negotiations.”
Dr. Sorou knew the dragon she was talking about. Spike. He had been a good friend to the Doctor, and he and Twilight were as thick as thieves. Dr. Sorou couldn’t imagine a Ponyville without Spike. “If Spike is somehow involved…” Dr. Sorou asked. “Will he have to leave?”
Princess Celestia nodded. “Yes, he will. If it’s the only way to ensure there remains peace between Dragonkind and Equestria.”
Dr. Sorou couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The Princess would willingly shatter the kinships of some of her closest subjects in order to protect her kingdom, when there was a better way? A way where there would be no sacrifice? The way he was thinking of, there would be no bloodshed, and no tears shed for anyone important. He would have to do research, though. Much research. He stood. “Princess, I thank you for your hospitality, but now, I need to get back to the lab.”
Princess Celestia nodded, understandingly. “Yes, Doctor. It’s always a pleasure to have you at the castle.”
Dr. Sorou dismissed himself from her presence, and began to work.
Present day…
Dr. Sorou entered the library behind Rainbow Dash. “Wow, Spike!” He said, holding out a knuckle for him to bump. “More power to ya, buddy!” Behind him, John and Geo entered the library, similarly congratulating the young dragon and his new fillyfriend. Everyone showed up for the festivities, and enjoyed the congratulatory atmosphere, until Twilight shouted “ENOUGH!”
Everypony suddenly backed away, and began questioning Twilight as to the reason of the interruption of the merriment.
Applejack spoke softly, “Twi, you can tell us anything. We’re your friends and we are here to help.”
“I know,” Twilight answered. “I know that you will all find out one way or another. I was hoping to speak with Spike alone, but you all deserve to know.” She inhaled deeply, the tears threatening to resurface. “I arrived from Canterlot last night. Spike wasn’t home, so I decided to wait, and sent the Princess’ chariot away until I summoned them again.
“I must have fallen asleep because the sun was up and Spike was gone this morning when I awoke. I didn’t want anypony else to know that I was back before I was due, so I waited for him to return so I could tell him –”
“Tell me what?” Spike interrupted.
“To tell you that you need to come to Canterlot because…” she lost yet another battle with her overpowering tears. Spike hugged her harder, upset with his best friend’s sadness.
“Because your parents are looking for you.”
The room fell deathly silent then. Rarity’s jaw dropped, Rainbow Dash stopped flying, Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened and Fluttershy simply whimpered again.
“My,” Spike worded slowly, “parents?” Twilight nodded, closing her eyes.
“I don’t think I understand, Twi,” Applejack found herself wanting to pull Spike closer to her.
Twilight looked at her and said, “I think you do, AJ. They have come to Canterlot.”
“You mean my mom and dad are still around, and they’re in Canterlot as we speak?”
“Yes, Spike. That is what I am saying,” Twilight confirmed.
“And they want to see me?” Spike’s eyes widened at the possibility of seeing his true mother and father, something he secretly wished since his hatching. Why then, was Twilight so sad?
The realization hit him. “They want to take me with them.” Twilight nodded, clenching her teeth and holding back her sobs.
Dr. Sorou looked grimly. “I knew it would come to this.” He stated, as Applejack shook her head in disbelief of what she was hearing, fighting back an onslaught of tears. She looked over at Dr. Sorou. Everyone did.
“You knew?!” Applejack exclaimed through choked tears. “You knew all along, and you didn’t tell anypony?!”
“I didn’t need to.” Dr. Sorou reasoned, a look of seething anger crossing his features. “Princess Celestia told me about her treaty with the dragons three years ago. Since then, I’ve been preparing a third option, in case their negotiations went poorly for Equestria.”
“A third option?” Twilight sniffed. “What do you mean?”
Dr. Sorou took a microphone from his PDA, and sighed, as he steeled himself for a command he thought he’d never have to give. “Commence Operation: Immovable Object.” He stated, before moving out of the library. “Come on with me, everyone.” He called, waving for his friends to follow him. “I need to speak with Princess Celestia.”
“We’re going to Canterlot?” Twilight asked. “How are we going to get there?”
As if on cue, a robotic flyer from Dr. Sorou’s lab descended, and touched down in front of the group. “Much faster than a Pegasus chariot, that’s for sure.” He said, climbing into the back of the machine. “Hop in. Everything will become clear once I meet with the Princess and the Dragon’s leader.”
*
The flyer drew closer to the Canterlot castle, with Dr. Sorou at the helm. “Alright, everyone. Let me state my peace. Then, we’ll see if the dragons want to renegotiate their contract.” The tone in which Dr. Sorou said this worried everyone in the flyer. The Doctor had never taken such a tone before.
“What are you planning, Doctor?” Geo finally spoke, as the flyer made its final descent.
Doctor Sorou unbuckled his seat belt, and moved to the back of the flyer. “Not planning, Geo.” He looked back, and gave a foreboding smile. “Planned.” He faced forward, and the group saw Princess Celestia approach, an unreadable expression upon her ageless visage. They all bowed, humbly.
“It is a pleasure to see each of you.” Celestia stated. “I only wish it were under more pleasant circumstances.” She sighed lightly. “Please follow me. Spike, your parents are waiting.” The little dragon followed behind the regal mare, barely keeping up with her billowing, celestial tail. Through the audience chamber and down the cavernous halls lit by countless torches set aflame, the group proceeded. The starry sky met them upon their final approach to the royal gardens.
Before Spike’s eyes could register what they bore witness to, a great voice preceded any understanding, “Hatchling of so many years before, stolen and yet kept safe, thou hast returned at last!” Spike shrank before the crimson-armoured male who received him. The large head of Royum Dadaelus swayed to face his mate, speaking, “Timid, is he not?”
“It is to be expected when all others tower above you.” Royum Nalthanida’s cool green eyes met the fiery ones of her husband.
To this, Dadaelus simply grunted and faced Celestia, “You ponyfolk have made him soft, and have dulled his senses with your kindness, your laughter.” Steam rose from his flaring nostrils. Spike cringed and the ponies brought themselves closer to him, as Twilight mentally prepared herself for a quick teleportation to spirit the group to safety, should the elder dragon’s temper grow worse. Geo and John fell back in fear, and Dr. Sorou merely glared angrily.
“Being in the company of the purveyors of the Elements of Harmony,” responded Celestia, unmoved, “I would expect nothing but great things from your son, my old friend.” Dadaelus grunted dismissively. “Do not write him off so easily.”
“I assure you, Celestia, that if I deemed him unworthy of his heritage, he would not have lived so long as he has before my presence.” Dadaelus drew himself to full height as his claws raked across the prim lawn, producing deep gouges beneath his steel-black claws.
Celestia’s expression did not shift with this display, but simply said, “My gardeners will not be pleased with those gouges, Dadaelus.” The Dragonlord returned to his relaxed position on all fours, a dangerous smile upon his reptilian lips. A long silence settled between the pair of rulers.
Nalthanida lowered her head and locked her green eyes upon Spike. When she was level with him, she spoke softly, saying, “Come to me, little one.” Spike gulped and obeyed, shuffling quietly toward her great snout. When he was mere feet away, the lady dragon drew a deep breath and inhaled his scent. Instantly, her large eyes widened with recognition. “Thou were the egg that I would have named Severezhad, had thee survived the hatching. The smallest and softest of my entire clutch, yet cherished all the same.”
“Mommy?” Nalthanida grinned as Spike’s own emerald eyes widened, his ear pricked with a sound he had all but forgotten. Her voice was a sensation that echoed with the undeniable truth. These were his parents. His very soul bore the brunt of that truth. He reached a claw out to her and pressed it gently upon her blue snout.
Twilight wanted to say something, anything, but she simply stared at the exchange. It was so seamless, so natural. She watched as the lady dragon extended a hand toward him, scaly palms open, welcoming. She dreaded his step toward the dragon and wanted to scream when he did. But, before he went any further, his head turned and their eyes met. Hers, a pleading purple hue, moistened with ready tears, while with his, a faint emerald glow, much like his mothers, denoting both uncertainty and fear of submission.
“Let us go now, Severezhad.”
Applejack crept closer to Doctor Sorou, and nudged him. “Partner, if yer’ gonna say something, it’s now ‘er never.” She said, as she met eyes with Spike. The doctor merely shook his head. “Not yet.”
Spike’s eyes then narrowed as he turned to face his mother,“No.”
“What?” Dadaelus barked, shocked. His eyes brightened into malicious red torches. Nalthanida drew her head back, her icy eyes melting with hurt before they evaporated into rage, though she said nothing.
“I said no.” Spike glared at the towers of scale and anger that stood before him.
“Then you condemn Canterlot and these ponies to death!” Dadaelus bellowed. He reared his great head back and fire sprang from his mouth in an upward plume. Twilight and the rest of the ponies ducked and hid themselves. Celestia and Sorou stood perfectly still.
“Why?” Spike shouted back. “Why am I suddenly so precious to you! Where were you all those years ago?” Black smoke puffed from his nostrils. Nalthanida simply stared at her son. Eventually Dadaelus brought himself to look upon his defiant offspring.
“I’ve lost you once, Severezhad.” The lady dragon brought her head low so that Spike could see her at his level. “I am willing to do whatever it takes to never lose you again.”
“Even burn down Canterlot?” Spike asked.
“I would burn the entire world if I could but have all my children return to me.”
“All?” Spike became confused.
“Yes,” Dadaelus interrupted. “You were the last among several Royumi.”
“But the only one to survive.” Celestia chimed in as both adult dragons eyes fell upon her.
Finally, Dr. Sorou began laughing. Laughing like a mad man. All eyes suddenly focused on him, as he continued this laugh. “Alright, alright.” He said, trying to compose himself. “This has gone on long enough.” He stepped forward, catching his breath. “Dadaelus, was it? You have how many dragons ready to burn down Canterlot?” He asked.
Dadaelus huffed out a cloud of smoke at the arrogance he perceived in Dr. Sorou. “One-“
“-Thousand.” Dr. Sorou said in unison, nodding. “I thought so.” He then resumed his manic laughter, before taking a deep breath. “Then I’ve already won.”
A look of confusion and anger crossed Dadaelus’ face. Between his son’s refusal to cooperate, and the arrogance of this creature, he was at his limit of patience. “Explain yourself at once! Or be beheaded!” He drew a claw back, ready to strike the Doctor.
“Ah, ah, ah!” Dr. Sorou said, wagging a finger, and opening his coat, to reveal a device connected to his chest. “If my heart stops, or if I think I’m in danger of being killed, then you can kiss your sorry asses goodbye! Now settle down, and have a seat! You’re gonna wanna hear this!” The ponies were completely shocked by the Doctor’s behavior. John and Geo looked flabbergasted.
Geo started towards him. “Doctor, what’s going-“
“You shut up, too! And back off!” The doctor said, staring Geo down into moving back over to the ponies. Dr. Sorou then faced Princess Celestia. “Now then, your highness. I mean no disrespect, but what I do now, I do not as a citizen of Equestria, but in service of Equestria. You are indeed a wise, fair, just, and powerful ruler. But you are hardly a General or a Conqueror. In most cases, this is a good thing. But your inability to prepare for battle has brought us to this impasse.” Slowly, Dr. Sorou turned to the garden’s balcony, and walked toward it. He stopped, gazing down at Canterlot below. “You could say I’m something of a…patriot. I do not respond kindly to threats against my country in any capacity. That is why I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”
Just then, a Pegasus of the Royal Guard was seen swooping down into the garden. “Your highness!” He called. “I bring an emergency message from our garrison near the Dragonlands!” All attention was on the newcomer, save for the good doctor’s, who was raptly observing the streets of Canterlot. The Pegasus trotted immediately up to the Princess, and bowed his head. “There is a great host of machines, gathered on our side of the border! They seem poised to strike at the Dragonlands at any moment!”
“Don’t worry, they won’t attack unless I tell them to.” Dr. Sorou announced calmly, and confidently, as all eyes began to focus on him. “Messenger, why don’t you give us an estimate of the troop count in the host? How many machines are there?”
The Messenger looked to Celestia, whose shocked expression looked back at him. She slowly nodded. “T-Ten thousand strong, at least.” The messenger stuttered out.
At this, Dr. Sorou began laughing. “Only ten thousand?” He guffawed, looking back at the messenger. “You call that an estimate?” He inhaled sharply, turning back to his place at the balcony. “That’s not even half of the guns I have pointed at the Dragonlands.”
Dadaelus let out a roar of outrage. “Fool! You dare mock dragonkind with empty threats?! We dragons are mightier than any contraption you can build!”
“Are you?” Dr. Sorou asked, smirking. “Because it just so happens I designed these weapons to specifically eliminate dragons.” Dadaelus let out a flash of flame, which Dr. Sorou ducked, before righting himself after the discharge was over. He brushed himself off, before giving the dragon a mean look. “Temper, temper.” He said, reminding him of the monitor hooked up to his chest. “You don’t want to cause the extinction of your race, do you?” Once he saw that Dadaelus was settled, Dr. Sorou continued. “Good. Now then, as I was saying. I have spent the last three years researching weapons capable of penetrating your scales, and armor capable of withstanding your flames. After gaining a sample of dragon DNA, I was able to clone a hide, and a breath weapon, to great effect. And using these clones, I developed a particle beam capable of piercing dragon armor, and a heat-resistant alloy capable of deflecting dragon’s flames. I then used these materials to secretly construct an army of battle-bots in hidden factories across Equestria, specifically designing them to hunt down and destroy dragons.”
Spike remembered shedding a scale three years back. A scale that the good doctor was very interested in obtaining. At the time, he seemed harmless enough with it, but looking back, the Doctor’s adamancy scared him. “You used me…” He said, looking up at Sorou in disbelief.
Dr. Sorou looked solemnly at Spike. “Please, Spike. Understand that I had no choice. We have no assurance that the Dragons will not simply turn around and destroy Canterlot once they have what they want.”
Lord Dadaelus growled. “You dare question the honor of a Dragon’s word?!”
“I do!” Dr. Sorou retorted. “The only honorable dragon I know is Spike, and he was raised by ponies!”
“You will address him as Severezhad!” Dadaelus demanded.
“I will address him as a friend!” Sorou shot back. “And if you have a problem with that, I dare you to take my life, and ensure that there’s no stopping my forces from crushing your lands!” Surprisingly, Dadaelus settled again, knowing he was beat. The only thing stopping him from killing Dr. Sorou was the fact that there was an army poised to strike at his home, a fact that Sorou was milking to the last drop. Sorou began chuckling, then laughing again, his maniacal cackle scaring everypony (and the other humans) there. He inhaled, and looked at Dadaelus. “And my suspicions are confirmed.”
No one spoke, but all continued to have eyes on Sorou, expecting an explanation. “I’ve crunched the numbers. You dragons are pretty big, and I’ve seen the amount of gems, meats and vegetables you consume. According to my calculations, the Dragonlands can support an estimated number of around, two thousand dragons. Afterwards, I delved more deeply into that number. I know your culture. Other dragons attack nests that don’t belong to them, and destroy the eggs there, to ensure the survival of their own genetic material. It’s Darwinism at its finest, or worst, depending on which way you look at it. Now, I’ve calculated the size of families. It would be around two to five dragons per family, with each family having zero to three children.
“Suffice to say, when you add it all up, you’re near your population cap. You either need to declare war on another nation, or destroy part of your own civilization just to support your own eating habits. Thus, we can’t trust that you won’t attack Canterlot anyway, once we hand SPIKE” Sorou put emphasis on Spike’s name, knowing that Dadaelus didn’t like it. “over to you. This leads me to believe that you just don’t want to needlessly sacrifice any draconian lives in order to ensure the survival of your own species. Am I hitting close to home?” Dadaelus, not wanting to answer him, let out a short bark of outrage. Sorou smiled menacingly. “I’ll take that as a resounding ‘yes.’ Oh, but it gets worse, doesn’t it?” The dragons were paying rapt attention to Sorou, wanting to slaughter him, but staying themselves. “Y’see, after factoring in families to your population cap, I estimate that roughly half of your population are hatchlings and juveniles. And half of two thousand is…” He grew silent, a wise smile showing on his face. “How many dragons did you say were ready to strike Canterlot?”
“One…”The dragon lord hesitated. “…Thousand.”
“Five hundred fathers, and five hundred mothers, correct?” Sorou said, triumphantly. “So, if all the dragon’s mommies and daddies are here, because you don’t seem the type who would put kids on the battlefield…” He looked grimly up at Dadaelus. “…Then who’s in the Dragonlands, defending the children?”
A collective gasp and shouts of disbelief echoed from the ponies. “Doctor, you can’t be serious!” Princess Celestia exclaimed in fear. “Please, think about what you’re doing! They are younglings, for goodness sake! They…they don’t deserve to die!”
“Well maybe, the dragons should’ve thought of that before they positioned their forces outside of Canterlot, Princess!” Sorou reasoned. “They should’ve thought of all the innocent mares, colts, and especially foals living in this peaceful city, and how, if they razed it to the ground, they would’ve ended up killing thousands of innocent creatures! If they show such blatant disregard for our own young, then maybe we should do unto them, what they would do unto us! It’s a package deal! If they consider our children to be a viable target, then there’s nothing saying we can’t go after theirs!” Before anyone else could speak, Dr. Sorou pointed a finger up in the air. “Now, how this is going to go down depends entirely on the decisions of one individual.” He pointed at Dadaelus, and glared at him. “The moment one of your dragons so much as sneezes in the direction of Canterlot, my armies will march in to your nesting grounds, and kill every dragon there. But if, perchance, every dragon you’ve summoned returns to their nests peacefully, and in an orderly fashion, without a single drop of pony blood spilled, then my forces will withdraw, and return to storage until they are needed again.”
“You would have us leave without our child?!” Nalthanida spoke.
“If you can call him that.” Sorou stated. “No, I’m giving him a choice. And I expect both parties to respect the choice he makes. He will either stay in Equestria, with the friends he made, and the people he’s grown to know and love, or he returns with you to the Dragonlands, and you raise him like the parents you were supposed to be.” The Royam couple looked at each other. “You need not agree with this deal, because I’m not giving you a choice. The choice is his, and whatever choice he makes, both armies WILL withdraw peacefully, and no war shall be waged between Dragonkind and Equestria. Do I make myself clear?”
After a long and hesitant silence, Royam Dadaelus spoke. “Truly, you are a worthy opponent. Were it a pony making the same threats, I would’ve scoffed, and had him slain. But you…you are different. You are of a species who knows violence and war, a species which thrives in battle. Your insight has granted you a terrifying advantage. You are willing to sacrifice your very innocence to protect that which you care about, and you disregard the consequences of your actions, if it means the safety of your way of life. All are admirable qualities.” Dadaelus looked over to Celestia. “Princess, you have my word. No matter what the decision of our son, we shall leave in peace.” The Royam dragons turned to Spike. Spike looked up at his parents, and stepped forward.
Spike sighed. “Mom, dad, I’m sorry. But there are ponies here that I care deeply for, and I wouldn’t be the dragon I am today if it weren’t for them.” He stood firmly where he was. “My decision is still ‘No.’ I’m staying here.”
Nalthanida looked heartbroken, and Dadaelus tightened his expression. “I see. In that case, we have no choice. We shall leave.” Dadaelus and Nalthanida began beating their wings, the gusts of wind almost being too much to bear. “We shall dismiss the Thousand, as promised. Farewell, Equestrians.” And with that, the dragons took off into the sky, leaving the ponies and the humans down below.
After they were out of sight, Sorou grabbed the microphone from his PDA. “Keep me posted. Once confirmation that all dragons have departed Equestria has been obtained, Operation: Immovable Object will be considered a ‘Success.’” He put the microphone back, and quickly made for the exit, but was quickly intercepted by a seven colored streak across the air.
“Hold on a second!” Rainbow Dash said, her expression full of scorn. “You wanna tell us when you decided it’d be a good idea to create an army of killer robots?!”
“I don’t need to explain myself to you.” Sorou stated, shoving Rainbow Dash out of the way, and continuing back toward the exit.
“Yes you do!” Twilight exclaimed, both hurt and angry that a friend would do something so drastic. “It’s completely immoral! Especially the way you threatened to kill innocent children!” She hugged Spike close to her, tears welling up in her eyes. The doctor ignored her, continuing on his way. “Do you think the very lives of everyone on the planet are nothing more than your playthings?! Don’t you care about any of us?!”
At that last statement, Dr. Sorou shot a glare back at the group. If looks could kill, the entire garden would be a field of corpses. Sorou sighed out his frustration, and turned away from the ponies. “I do care. It’s because I care that I did what I did. I gave Spike a chance to remain with the ones he loves with no ill consequences to the rest of Equestria.” Sorou turned towards the exit. “But after I’ve shown what I’m capable of, I fear I may never go back to how I was before. You won’t want me anymore, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be in my lab.” At this, Dr. Sorou left, taking his flyer back to Ponyville.
What if #2: Don't send in the clown! Pt.1
Alright, let's see what we can do here. I have my permissions, I have my ideas, characters set, Let's do this!
Well, someone's enthusiastic.
Gah! Joker?! How'd you get in here?!
I broke in, that's how. By the way, you need a new window. And I locked your door so you're nice and safe.
Oh, uh...thanks?
Don't mention it. Seriously, don't mention it. Word gets out that I helped keep some schmuck safe, I'd have to slit your throat and throw your cat in a wood chipper to get my reputation back. Hoo-hoo!
I'll take it as a courtesy that you aren't doing that now.
You should. Anyway, so you're the guy who got spinoff rights, huh?
Erm, that's right. I asked RainbowBob's permission, and he said yes. I even credited him in the description.
Good. 'Cause if you didn't, I'd give you a Columbian Necktie.
...Do I even want to know what that is?
Oh, it's real fun! First you open your victim's windpipe with a box cutter, and then you reach up into their throat, and-
Ah-da-da-da-dah Just stop right there, I don't wanna hear anymore.
Hmph. Fine. So, what's so special about this version of the story, anyway?
I'm writing in my OC, Lt. Dr. Ace Sorou.
A Lieutenant AND a doctor? Heh. Marty Stu much?
Well, he does have a lot of faults, and is actually a pretty three-dimensional character. I think that balances him out.
Balances him out? Heh. He's got a military station AND a doctorate. How old is he?
Erm, twenty four?
And what's his doctorate in?
He's got several PHDs, but he's particularly proud of his Mechanical doctorate.
Let me guess. He's a mad scientist with an army of killer robots.
...
Wow. Marty Stu'd AND unoriginal. Hold on a second, I think I have Professor Ivo's number. He's gonna want a word with you.
Wait, you have Dr. Robotnik's number.
Wrong Ivo, chuckles. I'm talking about Anthony Ivo.
Just give him a chance, please. I guarantee you, you'd like him if you gave him a shot.
Didn't say I wasn't gonna give him a shot. Hell, I'm already being written into a fanfic about a bunch of technicolor midget horses. That's another thing, what's wrong with you people? You're a bunch of grown men who get hard-ons for anything with hooves.
Now you're just trying to get under my skin. I won't fall for that. Anyway, I'm glad you're gonna give this a chance.
That's right, kiddo. But I warn you. If this story isn't halfway decent, I'll turn your intestines into Christmas decorations.
Don't you mean "Hearth's Warming Eve decorations?"
Whatever! Wipe that grin off your face and get writing!
Alright, I'm starting from the middle of RainbowBob's first chapter.
*****
"Twilight and friends, I thank you all for meeting me here. We have much to discuss." Celestia spoke from her throne. When a letter from the Princess arrived, asking Twilight and her friends to host the next Grand Galloping Gala, Geo insisted on coming along. And when word spread to the other guys, they insisted on accompanying their lovers, as well. Doctor Haywick and Spark Plug, too nervous to be with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in front of the Princess, decided to tour Canterlot, as they had never seen the city before.
Who could blame them, anyway? Imagine meeting your girlfriend's mom. Now imagine if you were dating a member of the royal family. Now imagine that any member of the royal family could zap you into oblivion with magic. Yeah, for anyone who's never met Celestia before, it'd be a pretty nerve-wracking experience. That just left Spike, Geo, John, and Ace, the last of which decided that he was going to use this time to "complete some military business at Headquarters," rather than take leave. Cheap ass.
Applejack, ever the eager and impatient pony, spoke first, "If ya don't mind me askin' Princess, what are we doin here anyway?"
"Applejack!" Twilight said, "I explained on the train trip over here that we were personally hired by Princess Celestia to host the Grand Galloping Gala."
"Oh, right." Applejack chuckled, nervously. "Sorry 'bout that sugarcube. You were goin' on and on, ah guess ah kinda blacked out 'fer a little bit."
Twilight rolled her eyes and huffed in annoyance. "I hope you girls will at least take this seriously. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to throw the biggest pastry of the year for the Canterlot nobility."
"That's right, Twilight." Celestia said patiently. "I am sure your last visit to the Gala wasn't an overly enjoyable experience. Which is why this year I want all of your help in setting it up. You all did such marvelous work at Shining Armor and Princess Cadence's wedding that I knew you'd really liven up the Gala this year." A content smile formed on her lips.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down in bursts of excitement, clearly ecstatic about throwing another party. "This is going to be the best Grand Galloping Gala ever! It's gonna be known as the Mega Galloping Gala, no, the Super Galloping Gala, no, the Ultra Super Mega Awesome Galloping Galapalooza!"
"Okay darling. No need to get over-excited." Rarity said to Pinkie, before realizing who she was talking to. "At least tone it down when the aristocrats arrive."
Pinkie perked up. "Cats! That's what the theme of the party will be! We'll have have cat costumes and cat cupcakes and cat balloons and cat-"
"Pinkie, I said aristocrats. Not cats." Rarity calmly explained to her overzealous friend.
"-and actual cats can be there! We'll put one in each party gift so everypony can have a kitty! Then we'll have cat cake and cat pie and cat sandwiches, not actual sandwiches made from cats, just some that look like them. And then we'll-" Pinkie kept on making her plans for the party preparations, clearly lost in her own gab. Ace chuckled.
"I'll handle Pinkie." Ace assured Rarity. "You guys get your assignments for the party."
Rarity smiled. "I will never understand how you manage to keep up with her, doctor." She replied. "She must be an absolute terror to your work."
"She's easy to deal with, once you figure her out." Dr. Sorou replied. "I should know, I married her." Ace left Rarity to converse with the other ponies, and headed over to Pinkie. She listed off the things she would need to get ready for the party as she pronked along the walls. Ace grinned at her, and timing his movements just right, suddenly reached out, and caught her.
Surprised, Pinkie looked up, and smiled at her husband. "How do you keep on doing that?"
"What's in your special muffins?" Ace replied.
Pinkie giggled. "I can't tell you that, silly! It's a special secret!"
"There's your answer, Pinks." Ace shared a quick smooch with the Pink pony, before putting her down. "Now, what do you wanna do with the party? And how can I help?"
Pinkie began bouncing in front of Ace, chattering. "Like I said, it's gonna have a cat theme! Everypony is gonna get a kitty, and we can have cat shaped foods! Ooh, even better! We can have the food look like cat treats! And we can have cat dishes instead of drinking glasses! And-WOOP!"
Ace caught her again, and swung her around in a full circle, stopping her line of thought. "Pinks, not everypony likes cats." Ace said, hugging her. "Some ponies might be allergic to cats, and won't be able to be around them. I think you should change the theme."
Pinkie considered Ace's suggestion with a sigh. She frowned in a childish pout, crossing her arms. "Well, maybe not cats, then. We're gonna have to come up with something else just as fun that won't cause anypony to have allergic reactions." She then wrapped her hooves around Ace's neck, and fluttered her eyes with a smile. "Any ideas, hubby?" She asked. Ace blushed, smiling nervously, and cursed himself for being so susceptible to Pinkie's charm. Pinkie stifled a giggle, as Ace struggled to find something to say. "Oh, you look so cute when you turn red, Acey!" She exclaimed, bringing her face close for a kiss. After planting a big wet one on him, she gave a laugh, leaping out of his arms. "Well, if any ideas pop up, let me know. I'm gonna see what the party area looks like. I need to know how much space I have to work with to maximize the amount of party!" She began trotting off, leaving Ace in a lovestruck gawk.
Just then, a blue orb of light appeared out of nowhere near the throne, blue cackling electricity emitting from its center. Fluttershy hid herself in a small ball, hoping to be unnoticeable to the strange orb of light. Applejack and Rainbow Dash took defensive positions, although both were nervous (and a little scared, but they'd never admit that) at what the light meant. Rarity stared, fascinated at the glittering orb, while Twilight was confused why a orb emitting a strange blue light and electricity could even be there. Pinkie Pie stopped trotting off, and moved up next to Ace, curious as to why a blue ball had appeared.
Ace snapped out of his trance, drawing the sword on his hip. He cursed himself for not bringing his energy weapons. Geo and John looked at the orb and got ready to move, thinking that at any moment, lightning would shoot out towards one of them.
Celestia approached the orb apprehensively, ready to protect her ponies in case it got dangerous. All ponies, except Fluttershy who was covering her head, gawked at how the orb grew larger, the electrical sparks becoming more and more violent. Eventually, like a water balloon filled with too much water, it popped.
Blue smoke exploded in all directions, the occasional spark drifting in the field of smokey blue. Flapping her large wings, Celestia was able to dispel most of the smoke to the edges of the room, except in the center where the orb originated at. Hidden in the smog was a tall figure, its form and shape indiscernible.
After several seconds of tense silence, the figure moved. It seemed to be approaching the girls. Leaping into the figure's path, Celestia shouted, "Stop! Take no step further!"
It ignored her, instead it continued to walk ever closer, until the smoke finally stopped clinging to its body, and the ponies got their first look at the bizarre creature.
The ponies had Geo and his friends to draw reference on, so they could tell the following. The figure was a male human that stood about six feet tall, with a lanky, yet wiry, body. His skin was a bleached white, his hair a messy bright green, his lips ruby red, and he had a pair of crimson irises tinged with yellow eyes. His clothing was the strangest thing about it. A royal purple tailored suit, a carrot orange shirt, a sewage green vest, a green string bow tie, matching light purple gloves, and impressively made shoes. The outfit was completed with a bright yellow flower on the jacket. He looked like a colorblind child who had dressed themselves in a costume store.
Both the human (if it could be called that) and the ponies stared at each other, the ponies stupefied at the human's unexpected arrival, the human mildly amused at the sight of the ponies. The other humans in the room gained a cocked eyebrow from the newcomer, as if he wasn't expecting something like him. Slowly, its ruby lips parted to reveal dark yellow teeth that looked like they haven't met a toothbrush in years. The lips soon resembled a smile, ringed with laugh lines.
The ponies were familiar with large grins, which they've seen plenty of in Pinkie's company. But this smile, it stretched from ear to ear, psychotically so, an unnatural sight that was made only worse by the devious gleam in the creature's eyes.
"Well, if it isn't some colorful midget horse thingies! And here I am without any carrots and sugar cubes!" He said, the voice high in pitch for a male. Had they not met humans before, they would have been completely surprised this man could speak. Rarity glanced over the human's attire, and promptly fainted out of shock.
Noticing the fainted mare, the Joker looked over at Rarity strangely. "Was it something I said?" He asked.
Ace kept his sword trained on the newcomer. "Who are you?! How did you get in the throne room?!" He demanded, striding foward confidently, leaving Pinkie to stand with her friends.
The disturbing grin was still plastered on the Joker's chalk white face, even as Ace drew within arm's distance of him. "Now, now. Where are your manners?" The clown asked, pushing the blade out of the way. "You don't see me waving overly long razor blades in YOUR face as if I'm overcompensating for something, do you?"
Despite the obvious jab at the size of his pride, Ace thought logically. He didn't recognize this person, and the guy didn't appear to mean harm. Despite the ragtag appearance of his suit, there was nothing indicating foul play afoot. Ace sighed, and lowered his sword, but kept it drawn, just in case. "Alright, let's try again." Ace admitted, bringing a hand up to his chestplate. "My name is Dr. Ace Sorou. I'm a Lieutenant in the Equestrian Royal Army. What's your name?"
The clown let out a laugh that shook Ace to the core. Ace regarded the clown with suspicion. "I'm glad you asked, Doc!" The Joker said, as he began pacing. "I'm a man who only wants to see one thing in life; a smile on everyone's face. I want everyone to realize that they shouldn't take life so seriously, that they should take a step back, look at their lives, and be happy at the comedy of it all. The Joker's the name, and making the masses laugh is my game!" After that little speech of his, the Joker handed Ace a card a joker card from a poker deck. "My card."
Ace took the card, and cocked an eyebrow. He looked at the card, and back at the Joker. "Funny." He said sardonically, a coy smile on his face. "The Ace meets the Joker."
"Ooh! Ooh! What a twist!" Pinkie shouted, dashing up. Geo tried to stop her, but Pinkie was just too quick, and Geo ended up tripping over Twilight. "I like to put smiles on everypony's faces, too!" Pinkie said, hopping.
"Pinkie, lass, don't go near him!" Geo said, getting up, and making sure he didn't crush his wife too much. "We don't know if we can trust him!"
Pinkie giggled, looking back at Geo. "Oh, Geo. Don't you see? He's a clown. Clowns don't hurt anypony! Clowns make ponies laugh!" Pinkie turned back to the Joker, and began barraging him with questions. "Do you do card tricks? Can you tell good jokes? Can you-WOO!" With a practiced hand, Ace came around, and caught Pinkie in his free arm.
"I'm afraid Geo's right, hun." Ace reasoned. "We don't know this man very well. He could be a con-artist, a thief, even a murderer."
Joker gasped, his hand covering his open mouth. "I'm shocked that you would accuse me of such a thing." The Joker said, throwing his hands up in the air. "Why, I wouldn't hurt a fly. This accusation has hurt me deeply. For shame, for shame upon you, Lieutenant, or Doctor, or whatever you call yourself!" The Joker turned around, his shoulders sagging. Pinkie stared accusingly at Ace, as she wrestled herself out of Ace's arm.
"Acey! You shouldn't go around saying mean things about people you don't know!" She told him, landing softly on her hooves. "Look, you made him sad! You should know better than that!"
Ace started, shocked that he was suddenly the bad guy. "What? I'm not trying to offend him, I'm just saying-"
"No excuses, Acey! If you don't have anything nice to say, then you shouldn't say anything at all!" Pinkie demanded, putting her hoof down for emphasis, before tugging on the Joker's coat, and looking up at him in sympathy. "It's okay, Mr. Clown. My husband didn't mean it. I don't think you're any of those things."
At this, The Joker spun around, his glum expression gone. He picked up Pinkie in his arms, and held her at arms length. "You truly mean that?"
"Sure! You're a clown after all, so you must be super duper fun!" Pinkie explained with a giggle. "That makes you a friend of me!"
"A friend! And a pink pony too! Every six year old girl back on Earth can now officially suck it!" The Joker said, hugging Pinkie tightly to his chest. She returned his hug with an equal gut wrenching hug she was famous for. Ace scowled for multiple reasons at this development.
*****
And I'm gonna have to make this a two-parter. This chapter was a lot longer than I originally planned.
That's because you copied RainbowBob word-for-word in half the chapter, you talentless hack!
Well this IS RainbowBob's story. I don't want to butcher it, I just want to add my own spin on it.
Oh, don't worry. It's already butchered. It's like you took a hacksaw to it!
Why do they call it a hacksaw, anyway?
Shut up. You may have cleaned up the spelling and grammar, and you may have thrown in your own lines, but it's mostly me and your character talking to each other, and giving our introductions! It's painfully obvious you wanna stick your dick in a certain pink pony, and you made your character out to be the suave Marty Stu that I thought he was gonna be! What made it worse is that you missed most of my gags! I didn't even get to zap any wierd winged unicorns this time around! Whoops! Spoilers!
That's why I'm separating this What If into two parts. So I'm guessing it dissatisfied you?
Oh, majorly. You're going to have to do waaaaay better with your next chapter!
Then I suggest you keep me alive long enough to write it, and not deck the halls with my innards.
You drive a hard bargain, but..Ah, what the hell! You have an extension! You'd better make your next chapter better than this one!
