Dr. Sorou's What Ifs.

Alright, let's see what we can do here. I have my permissions, I have my ideas, characters set, Let's do this!

Well, someone's enthusiastic.

Gah! Joker?! How'd you get in here?!

I broke in, that's how. By the way, you need a new window. And I locked your door so you're nice and safe.

Oh, uh...thanks?

Don't mention it. Seriously, don't mention it. Word gets out that I helped keep some schmuck safe, I'd have to slit your throat and throw your cat in a wood chipper to get my reputation back. Hoo-hoo!

I'll take it as a courtesy that you aren't doing that now.

You should. Anyway, so you're the guy who got spinoff rights, huh?

Erm, that's right. I asked RainbowBob's permission, and he said yes. I even credited him in the description.

Good. 'Cause if you didn't, I'd give you a Columbian Necktie.

...Do I even want to know what that is?

Oh, it's real fun! First you open your victim's windpipe with a box cutter, and then you reach up into their throat, and-

Ah-da-da-da-dah Just stop right there, I don't wanna hear anymore.

Hmph. Fine. So, what's so special about this version of the story, anyway?

I'm writing in my OC, Lt. Dr. Ace Sorou.

A Lieutenant AND a doctor? Heh. Marty Stu much?

Well, he does have a lot of faults, and is actually a pretty three-dimensional character. I think that balances him out.

Balances him out? Heh. He's got a military station AND a doctorate. How old is he?

Erm, twenty four?

And what's his doctorate in?

He's got several PHDs, but he's particularly proud of his Mechanical doctorate.

Let me guess. He's a mad scientist with an army of killer robots.

...

Wow. Marty Stu'd AND unoriginal. Hold on a second, I think I have Professor Ivo's number. He's gonna want a word with you.

Wait, you have Dr. Robotnik's number.

Wrong Ivo, chuckles. I'm talking about Anthony Ivo.

Just give him a chance, please. I guarantee you, you'd like him if you gave him a shot.

Didn't say I wasn't gonna give him a shot. Hell, I'm already being written into a fanfic about a bunch of technicolor midget horses. That's another thing, what's wrong with you people? You're a bunch of grown men who get hard-ons for anything with hooves.

Now you're just trying to get under my skin. I won't fall for that. Anyway, I'm glad you're gonna give this a chance.

That's right, kiddo. But I warn you. If this story isn't halfway decent, I'll turn your intestines into Christmas decorations.

Don't you mean "Hearth's Warming Eve decorations?"

Whatever! Wipe that grin off your face and get writing!

Alright, I'm starting from the middle of RainbowBob's first chapter.

*****

"Twilight and friends, I thank you all for meeting me here. We have much to discuss." Celestia spoke from her throne. When a letter from the Princess arrived, asking Twilight and her friends to host the next Grand Galloping Gala, Geo insisted on coming along. And when word spread to the other guys, they insisted on accompanying their lovers, as well. Doctor Haywick and Spark Plug, too nervous to be with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in front of the Princess, decided to tour Canterlot, as they had never seen the city before.

Who could blame them, anyway? Imagine meeting your girlfriend's mom. Now imagine if you were dating a member of the royal family. Now imagine that any member of the royal family could zap you into oblivion with magic. Yeah, for anyone who's never met Celestia before, it'd be a pretty nerve-wracking experience. That just left Spike, Geo, John, and Ace, the last of which decided that he was going to use this time to "complete some military business at Headquarters," rather than take leave. Cheap ass.

Applejack, ever the eager and impatient pony, spoke first, "If ya don't mind me askin' Princess, what are we doin here anyway?"

"Applejack!" Twilight said, "I explained on the train trip over here that we were personally hired by Princess Celestia to host the Grand Galloping Gala."

"Oh, right." Applejack chuckled, nervously. "Sorry 'bout that sugarcube. You were goin' on and on, ah guess ah kinda blacked out 'fer a little bit."

Twilight rolled her eyes and huffed in annoyance. "I hope you girls will at least take this seriously. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to throw the biggest pastry of the year for the Canterlot nobility."

"That's right, Twilight." Celestia said patiently. "I am sure your last visit to the Gala wasn't an overly enjoyable experience. Which is why this year I want all of your help in setting it up. You all did such marvelous work at Shining Armor and Princess Cadence's wedding that I knew you'd really liven up the Gala this year." A content smile formed on her lips.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down in bursts of excitement, clearly ecstatic about throwing another party. "This is going to be the best Grand Galloping Gala ever! It's gonna be known as the Mega Galloping Gala, no, the Super Galloping Gala, no, the Ultra Super Mega Awesome Galloping Galapalooza!"

"Okay darling. No need to get over-excited." Rarity said to Pinkie, before realizing who she was talking to. "At least tone it down when the aristocrats arrive."

Pinkie perked up. "Cats! That's what the theme of the party will be! We'll have have cat costumes and cat cupcakes and cat balloons and cat-"

"Pinkie, I said aristocrats. Not cats." Rarity calmly explained to her overzealous friend.

"-and actual cats can be there! We'll put one in each party gift so everypony can have a kitty! Then we'll have cat cake and cat pie and cat sandwiches, not actual sandwiches made from cats, just some that look like them. And then we'll-" Pinkie kept on making her plans for the party preparations, clearly lost in her own gab. Ace chuckled.

"I'll handle Pinkie." Ace assured Rarity. "You guys get your assignments for the party."

Rarity smiled. "I will never understand how you manage to keep up with her, doctor." She replied. "She must be an absolute terror to your work."

"She's easy to deal with, once you figure her out." Dr. Sorou replied. "I should know, I married her." Ace left Rarity to converse with the other ponies, and headed over to Pinkie. She listed off the things she would need to get ready for the party as she pronked along the walls. Ace grinned at her, and timing his movements just right, suddenly reached out, and caught her.

Surprised, Pinkie looked up, and smiled at her husband. "How do you keep on doing that?"

"What's in your special muffins?" Ace replied.

Pinkie giggled. "I can't tell you that, silly! It's a special secret!"

"There's your answer, Pinks." Ace shared a quick smooch with the Pink pony, before putting her down. "Now, what do you wanna do with the party? And how can I help?"

Pinkie began bouncing in front of Ace, chattering. "Like I said, it's gonna have a cat theme! Everypony is gonna get a kitty, and we can have cat shaped foods! Ooh, even better! We can have the food look like cat treats! And we can have cat dishes instead of drinking glasses! And-WOOP!"

Ace caught her again, and swung her around in a full circle, stopping her line of thought. "Pinks, not everypony likes cats." Ace said, hugging her. "Some ponies might be allergic to cats, and won't be able to be around them. I think you should change the theme."

Pinkie considered Ace's suggestion with a sigh. She frowned in a childish pout, crossing her arms. "Well, maybe not cats, then. We're gonna have to come up with something else just as fun that won't cause anypony to have allergic reactions." She then wrapped her hooves around Ace's neck, and fluttered her eyes with a smile. "Any ideas, hubby?" She asked. Ace blushed, smiling nervously, and cursed himself for being so susceptible to Pinkie's charm. Pinkie stifled a giggle, as Ace struggled to find something to say. "Oh, you look so cute when you turn red, Acey!" She exclaimed, bringing her face close for a kiss. After planting a big wet one on him, she gave a laugh, leaping out of his arms. "Well, if any ideas pop up, let me know. I'm gonna see what the party area looks like. I need to know how much space I have to work with to maximize the amount of party!" She began trotting off, leaving Ace in a lovestruck gawk.

Just then, a blue orb of light appeared out of nowhere near the throne, blue cackling electricity emitting from its center. Fluttershy hid herself in a small ball, hoping to be unnoticeable to the strange orb of light. Applejack and Rainbow Dash took defensive positions, although both were nervous (and a little scared, but they'd never admit that) at what the light meant. Rarity stared, fascinated at the glittering orb, while Twilight was confused why a orb emitting a strange blue light and electricity could even be there. Pinkie Pie stopped trotting off, and moved up next to Ace, curious as to why a blue ball had appeared.

Ace snapped out of his trance, drawing the sword on his hip. He cursed himself for not bringing his energy weapons. Geo and John looked at the orb and got ready to move, thinking that at any moment, lightning would shoot out towards one of them.

Celestia approached the orb apprehensively, ready to protect her ponies in case it got dangerous. All ponies, except Fluttershy who was covering her head, gawked at how the orb grew larger, the electrical sparks becoming more and more violent. Eventually, like a water balloon filled with too much water, it popped.

Blue smoke exploded in all directions, the occasional spark drifting in the field of smokey blue. Flapping her large wings, Celestia was able to dispel most of the smoke to the edges of the room, except in the center where the orb originated at. Hidden in the smog was a tall figure, its form and shape indiscernible.

After several seconds of tense silence, the figure moved. It seemed to be approaching the girls. Leaping into the figure's path, Celestia shouted, "Stop! Take no step further!"

It ignored her, instead it continued to walk ever closer, until the smoke finally stopped clinging to its body, and the ponies got their first look at the bizarre creature.

The ponies had Geo and his friends to draw reference on, so they could tell the following. The figure was a male human that stood about six feet tall, with a lanky, yet wiry, body. His skin was a bleached white, his hair a messy bright green, his lips ruby red, and he had a pair of crimson irises tinged with yellow eyes. His clothing was the strangest thing about it. A royal purple tailored suit, a carrot orange shirt, a sewage green vest, a green string bow tie, matching light purple gloves, and impressively made shoes. The outfit was completed with a bright yellow flower on the jacket. He looked like a colorblind child who had dressed themselves in a costume store.

Both the human (if it could be called that) and the ponies stared at each other, the ponies stupefied at the human's unexpected arrival, the human mildly amused at the sight of the ponies. The other humans in the room gained a cocked eyebrow from the newcomer, as if he wasn't expecting something like him. Slowly, its ruby lips parted to reveal dark yellow teeth that looked like they haven't met a toothbrush in years. The lips soon resembled a smile, ringed with laugh lines.
The ponies were familiar with large grins, which they've seen plenty of in Pinkie's company. But this smile, it stretched from ear to ear, psychotically so, an unnatural sight that was made only worse by the devious gleam in the creature's eyes.

"Well, if it isn't some colorful midget horse thingies! And here I am without any carrots and sugar cubes!" He said, the voice high in pitch for a male. Had they not met humans before, they would have been completely surprised this man could speak. Rarity glanced over the human's attire, and promptly fainted out of shock.

Noticing the fainted mare, the Joker looked over at Rarity strangely. "Was it something I said?" He asked.

Ace kept his sword trained on the newcomer. "Who are you?! How did you get in the throne room?!" He demanded, striding foward confidently, leaving Pinkie to stand with her friends.

The disturbing grin was still plastered on the Joker's chalk white face, even as Ace drew within arm's distance of him. "Now, now. Where are your manners?" The clown asked, pushing the blade out of the way. "You don't see me waving overly long razor blades in YOUR face as if I'm overcompensating for something, do you?"

Despite the obvious jab at the size of his pride, Ace thought logically. He didn't recognize this person, and the guy didn't appear to mean harm. Despite the ragtag appearance of his suit, there was nothing indicating foul play afoot. Ace sighed, and lowered his sword, but kept it drawn, just in case. "Alright, let's try again." Ace admitted, bringing a hand up to his chestplate. "My name is Dr. Ace Sorou. I'm a Lieutenant in the Equestrian Royal Army. What's your name?"

The clown let out a laugh that shook Ace to the core. Ace regarded the clown with suspicion. "I'm glad you asked, Doc!" The Joker said, as he began pacing. "I'm a man who only wants to see one thing in life; a smile on everyone's face. I want everyone to realize that they shouldn't take life so seriously, that they should take a step back, look at their lives, and be happy at the comedy of it all. The Joker's the name, and making the masses laugh is my game!" After that little speech of his, the Joker handed Ace a card a joker card from a poker deck. "My card."

Ace took the card, and cocked an eyebrow. He looked at the card, and back at the Joker. "Funny." He said sardonically, a coy smile on his face. "The Ace meets the Joker."

"Ooh! Ooh! What a twist!" Pinkie shouted, dashing up. Geo tried to stop her, but Pinkie was just too quick, and Geo ended up tripping over Twilight. "I like to put smiles on everypony's faces, too!" Pinkie said, hopping.

"Pinkie, lass, don't go near him!" Geo said, getting up, and making sure he didn't crush his wife too much. "We don't know if we can trust him!"

Pinkie giggled, looking back at Geo. "Oh, Geo. Don't you see? He's a clown. Clowns don't hurt anypony! Clowns make ponies laugh!" Pinkie turned back to the Joker, and began barraging him with questions. "Do you do card tricks? Can you tell good jokes? Can you-WOO!" With a practiced hand, Ace came around, and caught Pinkie in his free arm.

"I'm afraid Geo's right, hun." Ace reasoned. "We don't know this man very well. He could be a con-artist, a thief, even a murderer."

Joker gasped, his hand covering his open mouth. "I'm shocked that you would accuse me of such a thing." The Joker said, throwing his hands up in the air. "Why, I wouldn't hurt a fly. This accusation has hurt me deeply. For shame, for shame upon you, Lieutenant, or Doctor, or whatever you call yourself!" The Joker turned around, his shoulders sagging. Pinkie stared accusingly at Ace, as she wrestled herself out of Ace's arm.

"Acey! You shouldn't go around saying mean things about people you don't know!" She told him, landing softly on her hooves. "Look, you made him sad! You should know better than that!"

Ace started, shocked that he was suddenly the bad guy. "What? I'm not trying to offend him, I'm just saying-"

"No excuses, Acey! If you don't have anything nice to say, then you shouldn't say anything at all!" Pinkie demanded, putting her hoof down for emphasis, before tugging on the Joker's coat, and looking up at him in sympathy. "It's okay, Mr. Clown. My husband didn't mean it. I don't think you're any of those things."

At this, The Joker spun around, his glum expression gone. He picked up Pinkie in his arms, and held her at arms length. "You truly mean that?"

"Sure! You're a clown after all, so you must be super duper fun!" Pinkie explained with a giggle. "That makes you a friend of me!"

"A friend! And a pink pony too! Every six year old girl back on Earth can now officially suck it!" The Joker said, hugging Pinkie tightly to his chest. She returned his hug with an equal gut wrenching hug she was famous for. Ace scowled for multiple reasons at this development.

*****

And I'm gonna have to make this a two-parter. This chapter was a lot longer than I originally planned.

That's because you copied RainbowBob word-for-word in half the chapter, you talentless hack!

Well this IS RainbowBob's story. I don't want to butcher it, I just want to add my own spin on it.

Oh, don't worry. It's already butchered. It's like you took a hacksaw to it!

Why do they call it a hacksaw, anyway?

Shut up. You may have cleaned up the spelling and grammar, and you may have thrown in your own lines, but it's mostly me and your character talking to each other, and giving our introductions! It's painfully obvious you wanna stick your dick in a certain pink pony, and you made your character out to be the suave Marty Stu that I thought he was gonna be! What made it worse is that you missed most of my gags! I didn't even get to zap any wierd winged unicorns this time around! Whoops! Spoilers!

That's why I'm separating this What If into two parts. So I'm guessing it dissatisfied you?

Oh, majorly. You're going to have to do waaaaay better with your next chapter!

Then I suggest you keep me alive long enough to write it, and not deck the halls with my innards.

You drive a hard bargain, but..Ah, what the hell! You have an extension! You'd better make your next chapter better than this one!