Some days, I dream. I dream I'm pink, surrounded by spires of crystal. At my side, a pony stronger and wiser than any thoroughbred. We live our lives preaching harmony and love, beginning a family of our own. We stand upon our balcony and look over our kingdom with pride. We gaze into each other's eyes, feasting upon a wealth of love and trust. He takes my hoof in his and I know it will only get better from here.
Some days I dream I am tall and majestic. I rule with a gentle but firm hoof, supported by my friends and family. I dream that I win all battles, overcome every challenge and know all the right answers. I am beloved by all, their trust unwavering. Every stoic face hides a smile for me when I pass, and every little child's eyes glow when I greet them by name. Everypony preens at my tinkling voice, motherly and friendly.
Some days I dream I am young. The world functions by my hooves, as it would've fallen long ago without them. My life has barely begun, and it's already outshined many's full cycles. By my side I have a paragon of trust and support, love and kindness, honesty and generosity, loyalty and laughter. Our bonds are pure magic that we use to make a stagnant world a better place.
Some days, I don't dream. I wake up the same as I've always been. My coat blends into the ever long shadows, hiding from a world that never needed me. I wake up, finding the same eyes in the mirror that belong to my lousy figure. I groan through a stretch and hear my own low timbre, deeper than any mare's should be. I open my door to see the fur on my very guard's hackles raise in fear. I walk the halls where my own staff avoid my gaze.
Some days, I dream I am better than I. I dream of ponies that accomplish greater and steal the hearts of the people while they do it. I dream of ponies I admire and idolize. I dream of ponies I wish I could be. I wish to mean something, to do something, to feel something. I want to gallop horn-first into battle, hearing the front lines chant my name. I want to write peace treaties, and have the pleasure to sign my own name along with theirs. I want to be in the newspapers, praising me for bringing something advantageous to our humble lives.
I want a lover to consume my thoughts and yearn for their presence when they're away. I want someone to hold me during long nights and cold winters. I want to be someone's one and only, their most treasured possession, their brightest star, their greatest victory. I want to be worth fighting for. I want someone worth dying for.
I want friends to consume my day. An activity for two, for three, for many. I want group hugs, group photos, group anything. I want to do team building exercises, and one on one book studies. I want to teach and be taught new ways of thinking. I want to craft and build and perform with someone at my side, joining me, encouraging me, accepting me and my shortcomings.
I want to grow.
For many years I have laid stagnant. I am the same mare I have always been. I wear the same clothes, have the same ideas, have the same dreary outlook on life. I see many different faces, but they all blend into the same. I treat ponies as if they're made of glass and avoid them, just as I believe they avoid me. I drag my hooves and become just the burden I believe I am upon my own sister. I lament why the ponies sing the praises of the other alicorns, when I have done nothing to deserve my own.
Is this where I lie? In a bed unwashed and unmade, surrounded by what if's and I should's? Will I do something to turn this wild maelstrom of depression into something controlled? Can I dispel this curse I've cast upon myself? Why, despite all the strife I give myself, is there a part of me that doesn't want to?
Where would I even start?
Lavender hooves close a book that they should have never opened.
Hours later into the same day, those same hooves paced the same stretch of flooring, not far where they held the very book of their anxieties. The book, intimate in details and likely meant to be surreptitious for all but the writer, left an ache in the heart of one of the very ponies mentioned within its lines. Twilight Sparkle did not know what to do with this information.
The book felt too personal, too visceral to have come from anywhere but the deepest recesses of the heart, and left little guesswork in the author. There had always been a divide between the lunar princess and the general public, but Twilight was unaware that it led this deep into her psyche. The implications worried her. Not only for the health of one she considered a friend, but of her friend's ability to drastically change her world, and not for the better.
Twilight internally chastised herself for the thought, but could not render it invalid. The tip of her right hoof dragged across the crystal floor as she finally slowed to a stop. The tightness in her chest became more apparent with the lack of distraction. With a shudder, she decided there was only one route to take.
"I would like to meet with Princess Luna," Twilight's confidence broke momentarily. "P-please. If she is available that is."
The secretary took her nervous smile with slight incomprehension and shock before stating the princess was free without even checking the clipboard upon her back. "I can arrange a meeting with Her Highness in her study in the west tower. I trust you know the way?"
"Yes, I remember," The alicorn dryly chuckled, "I'll get out of your mane, eheh.."
Twilight's arrival in the study was largely unnoticed, beyond the servants in the halls that seemed to regard her with slight confusion, nearly hidden behind the required stoic composure. A smartly dressed mare entered through a side door she had not noticed and delivered a small platter of hors d'oeuvres. Her initial sample became eating half of the selection in her wait for the princess to arrive. Said arrival did not go unnoticed once the time came.
Princess Luna entered the room majestically, head held high with an emotionless face that lasted all the way until the door clicked shut behind her. Suddenly, she seemed to wilt under the pressure of the world for a moment and Twilight wondered if she would've noticed without her recent insight to Luna's thoughts.
"Hello Twilight. Is there any particular reason you have called for me today?" Luna paused for a moment in her walk, the lifted forehoof meeting the ground in a standing position instead of continuing to step forward. "Not that I take issue, I am merely curious."
Twilight looked at the mare before her. All she could feel was shame. The signs were all there, the underlying nervousness, the lack of eye contact, backtracking to make sure she caused no offense. She has been so blind to one of her own friends.
Twilight resisted the urge to get up and hug the mare and instead began to speak. "It's been a while since we've gotten to talk as friends. Lately we've just been on 'princess business,' but we haven't had any 'hang-out' time. It's definitely been far too long since I've gotten to hang out with one of my long-term friends." Twilight put on a bright smile. She knew she was laying it on a bit thick, but she got the reaction she was hoping for, a small smile.
For the evening, the two political powers talked casually, if a bit hesitantly at times. The blue princess's demeanor gradually changed to something more positive, opening up a bit more about her considered hobbies that she had yet to start. Soon, the conversation was less carried by the younger, and more held by the older. Excitement flared in her heart.
She spilled about dreams of gardening, growing her own produce to eventually make a wondrous stew for her beloved sister. Floriculture was another thought, so she may arrange beautiful flower bouquets for the palace staff. The talk of the dirt and grime led to sewing, where she would make her own overalls and undershirts for the task, as it wasn't like such conventional things came in her size. The lunar princess's eyes sparkled like her stars, talking of weaving her own tapestries for the Night Court, and changing them out each eve and morn. The ideas and dreams in her heart brought a childlike smile to her face. There were no worries, no doubts, no self-hatred, only her goals spread before them.
Twilight listened to the princess spill a little piece of her soul to the room, her heart swelling with Luna's trust that her words were safe between friends. Reflecting on her own thoughts from earlier that day, she was in disbelief that she thought this poor mare could possibly turn to something so dark once more, with so many hopes and aspirations of such simple things. Things she has never been able to do, thrusted into pomp and circumstance at such a young age. The princess, no, Luna, was just so happy.
Twilight decided to push her luck.
"You know, I think we could make some headway on at least one of your ideas. There's a few hours left of the day, why don't we try one in your room?"
It was here that for the second time that evening, Luna paused. Whether it be the conversation having taken some of her great walls down or not having put up her guard yet, she stuttered out a response. "W-well. I am… not so sure about that. Perhaps some other time, or maybe somewhere else?" She paused and seemed to search for an excuse. "My suite is a bit of an... Organized chaos, as it were."
Twilight's heart twisted in her chest. The poor mare had dissolved so quickly once out of her comfort zone. She could already see her beginning to put on the face of the typical royal countenance. Her stomach twisted again for what she was about to say. Her eyes screwed shut and reopened with a calm hardness.
"I saw your journal."
Luna didn't seem to understand the sentence. For a moment she stared back at Twilight with mild confusion, before the terrifying idea of what she might mean implanted in her head. Twilight caught the look of growing horror with a solemn nod. Luna's eyes dilated and morphed into a thousand-yard stare, looking straight through Twilight like she wasn't there. Her expression slackened while her chest filled with a hollow, terrifying void of fear. The younger mare's demeanor began to crack.
"I-I didn't read much. I don't think it was even meant to end up in my library from Celestia's shipment. I was curious because it was unlabeled and hoof-bound--." She chewed the inside of her cheek, forcing herself to meet the unseeing gaze of Luna, who appeared smaller than before."If I had known what it was, I would've never opened it. But I think it's for the better that I did."
Luna's eyes snapped back to her, as if registering her for the first time in the last several minutes. Her eyes pleaded for an explanation, an elaboration. Anything. Twilight obliged.
"You are… Hurting. Far more than I ever imagined you were. You hate where you are, and what has become of you. Your self-image has been completely tarnished in your eyes. You want to be anypony else, to escape the life you've been dealt, to escape your own self-perceived shortcomings. You need a break from the cycle." A sad smile wormed its way across her lips. "I'm here to help you, no matter what it takes. No pony should have to face this alone. Especially a pony that's been so alone already."
Luna stared into Twilight's eyes, searching for answers. Despite everything laid clear, she did not understand. Words would not form in her mind. No denials could form in her throat. All she could do was stare into the eyes of the little alicorn who held so much warmth for her, and just needed her to grasp on. A pang of sadness flashed across the younger princess' face before she stepped forward, towards the dumbstruck mare. Luna took a step back, unsure of her intentions, unsure of what to do herself. Her jaw worked as if to form words, but her lips never parted. Her eyes looked down to the lavender mare as she closed the distance. Without hesitation, the younger mare wrapped her arms around the princess, who felt her carefully built walls crash without a word.
In a little used study, a millennia old princess fell to her knees in the arms of another. In a little room in a lonely tower, a mare sobbed into her friend's embrace.
