The Knight and the Potion Seller
Click.
“Is it on?”
“I don’t know…”
“The screen’s black.”
“There’s a blinking red light.”
“Does that mean it’s on?”
“I… don’t know.”
“Come on, Rainbow, hand it over.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
“... Pft!”
“What?”
Suddenly Applejack’s face appeared on the screen. She raised her eyebrows at Rainbow Dash and held out a black disc. “You left the cover on,” she said.
Rainbow Dash stammered. “Y-You… Okay, sure, blame me! I’ve never used one of these things, how was I supposed to know?”
“I’m not blaming you, Rainbow.”
“Whatever. Let’s just set it up.”
Fluttershy, waiting patiently with the three-legged stand, held it steady while Applejack screwed the camera down on top of it. When they were done, its screen showed the living room of the cottage, and Rainbow Dash stepped out in front of it.
“Hello Ponyville!” she sang. “No - Hello Equestria! Yeah, that’s better!”
Fluttershy’s voice came quietly: “Sorry, can you step a bit closer? You’re a little out of focus.”
“Huh? Uh, sure, how’s this?”
“That’s good!”
“Okay then. Hello Equestria, this is Rainbow Dash talking. I mean, well, obviously it’s Rainbow Dash, you’re looking at me - who else is this stylish? This cool? This incredobviously amazing?”
Applejack snickered. “That ain’t a word!”
“Oh, and ‘ain’t’ is?”
The camera turned slightly to show Applejack, who noticed, and blew her mane out of her face. “Sure is! I made Twilight look it up in the dictionary once. Hooh, that look on her face…”
“Well, fine. But you ‘ain’t’ introduced yourself to Equestria yet. Tape’s rolling.”
“Sure. Howdy, Equestria. This here’s Applejack, proud member of the Sweet Apple Acres family! Here in the west end of Ponyville, we make the best apples there is.”
Rainbow Dash rubbed her forehead. “An advertisement? Really?”
“If I’m gonna make a statement to all of Equestria, I ain’t just gonna talk about boring old me.”
“You’re not boring…” Fluttershy commented, drawing two sets of eyes to the camera. “Um, sorry. Please continue.”
Applejack smiled and nodded, but Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and disappeared in a streak of colours. She reappeared pushing a confused Fluttershy into view.
“W-Wait!” she cried. “I can’t-”
“C’mon, Shy,” Applejack prodded. “Just say something about yourself.”
Fluttershy’s long hair obscured her face - her breath was still. She turned to Rainbow Dash, who shrugged, and asked, “Well, what’s the matter? There’s nobody else in here.”
Applejack looked back at the camera. “Ah.”
“What?”
“Fluttershy, you don’t have to talk to all of Equestria.”
The pegasus sighed, but still sat low, hiding from the lens.
“Oh, right,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, why don’t you just say something to Ponyville, then?”
An eye appeared behind the pink mane, but no sound was picked up.
“Hmm. What about… just the ponies we know? Our friends and family.”
Rainbow Dash added, “Yeah, that’s like, hardly anyone. Only a few dozen ponies. And a dragon. And a griffon. Err… and a donkey?”
Fluttershy spoke in a barely-audible whisper: “That’s still… a lot of ponies.”
Applejack sighed, and walked behind the camera, beckoning Rainbow Dash to follow her. “Okay, sure. How about just us?”
Fluttershy stood up a little, her face now fully visible. “Just the six of us?”
“No, no, I mean just Rainbow, me, and you. How’s that sound?”
She thought about it. “That’s… easier to think about. But, I mean, we’re all right here. I don’t need to introduce myself, do I?”
“Well, go ahead!”
“Um. Okay then…” Fluttershy stood up fully, and faced the camera. “Hi, um, you two. I’m… my name is Fluttershy, and I like animals and plants, and things like that.”
Applejack hummed. “Hmm. Step closer, Shy, you’re not quite in focus.”
“Sure. Is this good?”
“Hmmmm. No, that’s worse…”
Rainbow Dash butted in. “Wait, I got it. The guy who sold this to me said it had some auto-focus-majig. Should be one of these buttons.”
“Um, you know, I could just step back…”
“Come on Rainbow, the focus comes from the lens. We just gotta turn that ring at the front, and-”
“Woah, quit it, that’s making it worse! Hooves off, I know what I’m doing here!”
The camera shook and squeaked as the two ponies fought over it, out of view.
“Girls…”
“You just said you’ve never used one before!”
“I said hooves off! It’s mine, I paid for it, I get to use it!”
“You don’t even know how to use it!”
Random buttons were pressed. A jumble of text overlay appeared on the screen, then the colours inverted, then everything was wiped away by the outline of a star, before reappearing moments later as a collection of puzzle-pieces bouncing into place.
“Um…!”
“Just-! Move-! The ring-!”
“No way! It’s right here, I got-”
“Stop it!” Fluttershy shouted. “You two are always fighting! Why can’t you get along?”
The argument stopped abruptly.
“Oh…” Rainbow Dash spoke. “No, we’re just… I’m… Sorry.”
“Yeah, sorry, both of y’all,” Applejack agreed. “This is silly anyway. It’s your camera.”
The camera was righted, and a set of hooves stepped away from it, but, suddenly, there was a beeping noise, and the camera hummed and vibrated.
“Woah, hey, it worked!”
“Nice!”
“Oh, that’s good!”
“But…”
Fluttershy was now in focus, but her face had been distorted such that her snout and eyes were stretched twice as wide as they really appeared.
Rainbow Dash burst out in laughter and fell to the ground, bumping the tripod and pushing Fluttershy slightly off-center. Now the middle of her face shrank inward, making her jaw and forehead look relatively large. Unaware of the effect, she just raised an eyebrow.
“Um, what happened? Applejack?”
Applejack walked over to Rainbow Dash, nudging her with a hoof and making her gasp, though this did not stop her laughter. “Come on, Rainbow, what’s so fu-oh! Heh.”
“What?”
“That is pretty funny, I’ll admit,” Applejack said, as she flipped the viewscreen over for Fluttershy to see.
When she saw it, she blushed, and covered her face with her hooves. “Oh no! I look like a stallion!”
“Naw, it’s funny!” the earth-pony assured her. She flipped the viewscreen back over. “Honestly, it makes you look a little bit like one o’ them Royal Guard types I always see hanging around Twilight these days.” She nudged Rainbow Dash again. “You think we busted it?”
Rainbow Dash finally recovered her breath enough to speak. “What do you mean ‘we’?”
A silent moment passed.
The pegasus stood up. “Sorry. Uh, no, I mean, the guy who sold it to me said it had all these crazy features. Maybe this is just one of them. Oh, Flutters, could you nudge over to the right a little?”
She did. “Like this?”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack both laughed again, making Fluttershy shy away from the camera. “No, wait, it’s okay! Just go back there. We’re not laughing at you, Flutters.”
Applejack steadied her breath. “You know what this makes you look like? That one chemist type that came to town the other day. Had all these funny tinctures and extracts and so forth.” She flipped the viewscreen again. “You remember her?”
Fluttershy looked between the lens and the viewscreen. “That’s very rude,” she said.
“But it does look like her, don’t it?”
She cracked a smile, despite her attempts to hide it. “Yes, I suppose it does, a little bit…” Then she moved her head to the side. “Oh! And here’s the stallion again.” She pushed her eyebrows down and cleared her throat, affecting a deeper voice. “Excuse me, miss, but- Oh, that’s terrible.”
Rainbow Dash was on the floor again. Applejack chuckled and said, “What was that? Keep going!”
Fluttershy had to stop laughing herself, but soon she recovered, and spoke low. “Excuse me, miss, but I was wondering if I could buy a potion from you. If it’s not too much trouble…”
“Oh! Oh-oh!” Rainbow Dash jumped in place. “Remember how the chemist sounded? She was like…” Her voice croaked, and she was struck with a coughing fit.
“Naw, that wasn’t quite it,” Applejack commented, a smirk heard through her voice.
“That’s still really rude!” Fluttershy chided. “But she wasn’t that bad. She sort of sounded like, um, why not-” she coughed as well, though her attempt was far better. “Why not come closer, dearie?”
“Yes! That’s it! Keep doing that.”
“But it’s mean! Why should I make fun of her?”
“You’re not making fun of her!” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s a completely different pony. A made-up pony.”
“A character.”
“Yeah! A character.” Then she shouted into the air: “LIGHTS!”
Nothing happened.
“Uh, lights, AJ?”
Applejack sighed. She slowly stepped away, and closed some curtains nearby. The others waited as she made her way around, and the room darkened, and soon, the main source of light was the viewscreen. Only Fluttershy’s distorted face was clearly visible.
“Lights.”
“Awesome. CAMERA!” A pause. “I’m just pausing for dramatic effect, you know.”
“Yeah,” Applejack said. “We know.”
Rainbow Dash pointed her hoof at Fluttershy. “ACTION!”
“Um, okay.” She took a breath. “Who’s speaking first?”
“Hmmm… Got it. The Royal Guard- no, the traveling knight. That works, right?”
“Right.”
“Right.”
“Okay, the traveling knight is… uh… trying to buy potions from the potion seller. Action!”
Fluttershy moved into the knight’s distorted position, and said, “Excuse me, miss, but I was-”
“That’s too polite!”
“Oh, come on,” Applejack groaned. “Let her act.”
“No, seriously, Flutters. Knights are chiv- chival- uh, polite, and all that, but they’re also busy.”
“So… I should be, um, straightforward?”
“Yeah, like, blunt. Straight to the point.”
“Okay…”
She spoke as the knight. “Hello, potion seller. I’m… Um, I’m going into battle, and I’d like to- I mean, I want your strongest potions.”
Both voices behind the camera whispered, “Nice!”
She moved to be the potion seller, giggling as she noticed her face again. “My potions are too strong for you, traveler.”
“Ooh!” Applejack said. “Where’d that come from?”
“Um…”
Rainbow Dash hissed, “Quiet on set!”
The knight spoke: “Potion seller! I tell you, I am going into battle, and I need only your strongest potions.”
The potion seller responded: “You can’t handle my potions, child. They’re too strong for you.”
The knight spoke, more powerfully. “Potion seller, listen to me! I want only your strongest potions.”
Applejack whispered, “Change it up a little, Shy.”
“Shhh!”
“Oh, okay,” Fluttershy agreed. “I think…”
She became the knight again, but less somber. “Enough of these games! I am going into battle, and I need your strongest potions.”
As the potion seller, she said, with an understated glee, “My strongest potions would kill you, traveler. You can’t handle my potions. You better go to a seller who sells weaker potions!”
“Potion seller, I’m telling you right now-”
The seller interrupted, a dark tone in her voice. “You don’t know what you ask.”
“I know what I ask!” he said, desperately. “I’m telling you that I need your strongest potions!”
With venom, she responded. “You can’t handle my strongest potions!”
Rainbow Dash snorted. Applejack shushed her.
“No-one can!” she continued. “My potions are not fit for a beast, let alone a stallion.”
A tear ran down the knight’s face. “Potion seller, what do I have to tell you to get your potions? I need them if I am to be successful in the battle…”
A deep breath. “I can’t give you my strongest potions because my strongest potions are meant for the strongest beings.”
The knight’s throat hitched in a concealed gasp, but he pressed on. “Well… Well then, that’s it, potion seller. I’ll take my business elsewhere. I’ll go elsewhere for my potions and I’ll never come back.”
“Good! You’re not welcome here. My potions are only for the strongest beings, and you’re not of the strongest, are you? No, clearly, you are of the weakest.”
The knight swallowed, and stamped his hooves. “You’ve had your say, potion seller, but I’ll have mine. You’re a rascal! You’re a rascal with no respect for knights, no respect for anything… but your potions.”
“Why respect knights…” came the voice of the potion seller, dripping with evil. “...When my potions can do anything that you can?”
The knight prepared to speak. He held a hoof up, and opened his mouth, but nothing came. Only Fluttershy threw her head into her hooves and sobbed.
“Woah, woah, it’s okay,” Applejack said, coming to her side.
Rainbow Dash was with her quickly as well. “Where the hay did all that come from?”
“I don’t know!” she cried, between gasps. “It just… happened. I was so, so mean…”
“Well, it was amazing! Seriously, Flutters, you gotta give improv a try. I heard there’s a-”
Applejack shot a look at Rainbow Dash, then at the camera.
“Oh. Yeah. Well, maybe we can put this away for now…”
She stood up and stepped behind the camera, as Fluttershy cried into Applejack’s shoulder.
“Now, let’s see, where was that power button again?”
“Big red one on the side, I think,” Applejack told her.
“Oh yeah, here it is.”
Click.
