Split Apple
19 - Euphoric Dysphoria
Previous ChapterNext Chapter"Ah..." He considered himself. "I like me."
"I like you too." She made a quick scribble in her floating pad. "Let's start there. Tell me what you like most about yourself, your current self."
"Hm." He flexed an arm, showing off the muscles under the fur as best he could with a grunt of effort.
"Very strong." She got the hint without words, scribbling. "You like being an earth pony?" He nodded swiftly. "But... I hear your alter ego is quite good at flying and magic." Her brows fell. "I would love to discuss your magic use in detail, but that's another topic... Do you feel... awkward, using those new facets?"
"Nope." He thought back to when he first got the powers. In the dream, right? Well, it was a dream, and everything made sense in that dreamy way. Still, he woke up, as a she. And... they just went right along with it. "Nope... Um..." He leaned in towards Twilight. "Can we... not talk here?" Chatting in public, especially about that, was getting to him.
"Hm?" Twilight hopped to her hooves. "Where would you prefer?"
Big Mac upended his carrying dish into his mouth, chomping the last of his lunch and closing it tight. With a great swallow, he pointed to Twilight's castle. "Ayup?"
"Marvelous!" She looked quite happy at his choice. Her horn glowed, then became bright, and the world vanished. Thankfully, it came back almost as quickly. They were in Twilight's castle, her seated on her throne. "There we are. Please, sit wherever you are comfortable." She waved about the friendship map and the many chairs of the other friends of hers."
Big Mac considered them, but taking any of those didn't feel right, so he just sat at the table on the floor. "Thanks..." He pointed up at her horn. "Magic?"
"Indeed." She was still scribbling busily. "Which I hear you can do."
"Not teleport... Um, actually..."
"I did hear about your special gift." She put a hoof to her chin. "I can only teleport so far, but you can cover great distances. I'd love to see that, but that's the other you. This you doesn't do that."
Big Mac felt a strange bit of relief, and he wasn't sure why. "Nope... I'm Big Mac."
"And a fine pony you are." She scribbled softly. "Now, this will sound odd, but it seems... to me that you have entirely separated your two identities. Is this accurate?"
"Hm. Nope." He inclined his head slowly. "We're the same person, in here." He tapped at his chest. "Two in one. One's waitin' fer the other to go to sleep. More like she's watchin' silent-like... I do the same when it's her turn. But we are the same. It's hard t' explain 'xactly... I am Big Mac... but I'm also Orchard Blossom. But not right now. Right now, Big Mac."
Twilight paused in her writing. "Fascinating... So if I commented on how ruggedly handsome you were?"
Big Mac began to color, becoming a darker red in a hurry.
"I am joking, slightly. You are a handsome pony, but I'm not interested, that way." She scribbled anew. "Not through any fault of your own. I'm not generally interested in that kind of thing."
"So ya wouldn't mind if you were a stallion then?" He looked at her with growing confusion.
"I didn't say that." She set her paper down in her magic. "I am a mare. I am very comfortable with that part of my identity. Becoming a stallion would be... undesirable, and probably very disorienting. What I don't care for is... being with other ponies, that way. I adore friendship, but feel no need to explore what most call 'the next step'." She rolled her eyes. "As if friendship was just the start, some prerequisite to something else. Silly."
It was a time in Big Mac's life to be exposed to many different views. The idea of just saying 'no' to the whole thing was a new concept. "Huh..." It was also a new way to look at Twilight. "Ya... Ahem." He cleared his throat nervously. "Sorry... now ah got questions."
"Today is a learning day." The quill leaped upright and resumed writing, though her eyes were on Big Mac. "Now, you have a girlfriend. This isn't a secret." Even if he did color a little. "Does your attraction change at all between your two identities?"
"How would that help nopony at all?" Sure sounded more like Twilight was just poking into his personal affairs!
"There are ponies who want to become more of their ideal self, but are worried that they may lose contact with cherished friends, or paramours. Either is a terrifying thought, and can paralyze a pony from action. Knowing how yours went would be a boon. Were their difficulties? An adjustment period? Or were all parties understanding from the start?" Twilight was leaning in slowly, her quill dancing. What was she writing? She was too far away and it was upside down, making reading it a challenge.
"Alright..." He tried to capture that image in his mind, of confused ponies that could be helped with his situation. Maybe a unicorn with big fake wings they wanted so bad to be what they were, enough to wear them all day every day. Would their friends accept that? "She was confused, an' so was I... But she recovered even faster than I did... She learned, um, about herself... Can't promise that'll always happen. Um... coulda not... Still, I'd say honesty is the best policy." He crossed his arms. "Just ask mah sister."
Twilight snorted at that. "She does have a few things to say about honesty... Princess Luna mentioned you two seem quite close. Are you sexually active in both identities?" Asked with all the fervor of asking if Big Mac would like lemon lime or cola flavored drinks for lunch.
Big Mac batted at the air as if he could swat the question away. "Ya sure that's..."
"Many ponies in this situation are grappling with similar questions." She tapped her quill on the paper. "Any stallion that becomes a mare may be interested in that, or not. The more we know, the more we can help them."
"Yer just curious..." About his private life!
"I can't argue that." Twilight inclined her head slowly. "I am a curious pony. Learning makes me happy. But this research really can help others, so everypony wins. You are a unique case, since you experience both sides, back and forth." She raised her hooves and juggled the male and female sides figuratively. "So, having a hoof on either side of the fence in a way most can't, have you experienced differences between the two at a societal level?"
Big Mac went rigid at the question. The big question. "Um." He hadn't even thought about it! Well, that weren't entirely true... "There's a difference 'tween a princess and a, not princess. Don't think it's all mare and stallion... Ponies expect me--" But Twilight was holding up a hoof. "What?"
"While fascinating, I doubt many other ponies will be crossing that line. We won't be helping much by detailing being a princess." Twilight inclined her head. "And I've crossed that line myself, as has Cadance. If I do a paper on that, I know exactly who to ask, you included." She reached for her paper, resting her hoof on it, her quill still, ready to write. "There are many more ponies standing on the edge of tribal or gender changes, experiencing dysphoria and gazing on the other side of the line they are pressed against, but wondering what awaits them. You've been across it, and back again. You have a unique perspective to offer them."
"Huh..." Big Mac fiddled with his hooves a moment. "Huh... Um... Now... I weren't 'pressed to that line' there, y'see... I was more interested in... the other part."
Twilight resumed her scribbles. "In being a princess?" He nodded. "The power?" He nodded with less certainty. "For yourself?"
"No!" he gusted out, a loud bark that made him shrink with shame. "Ah mean, yes, but no. Power to help other ponies. Ain't the same as wantin' power for yerself, is it?"
Twilight's smile was like a cool balm. "It isn't... That's one of the best reasons to want it, if you wanted it at all. I enjoy helping other ponies too, and other creatures beside. I had no idea what I was reaching for, until it was thrust on me... I thought I was just a curious unicorn..." Her writing had stopped. "And suddenly... princess. With wings I didn't know how to use." She spread them out wide. "Thankfully, that's changed. Oh!" Her writing resumed. "Your wings, how was your adjustment time?"
"Now... that ain't a fair thin'. I didn't just 'get' wings. I became somepony with wings. They felt real natural." He reached a hoof for the wings he didn't currently have. "Miss 'em. Nice to have. The, uh, other me still has her earth pony strong in her. Kinda large, 'specially fer a mare. But her wings work good."
"Fascinating." Twilight scribbled busily. "It seems to me that you, Big Mac, this version of you, actually has more data we can use than we could get from Blossom Orchard. She was born, from her perspective, as a princess. She had all three tribes from the start, and she is happy with that. Am I correct?"
"Ayup." He tried for a better peek at the paper and its growing notes, with very limited success. "She, um, bein' me, is still feelin' out some things, but not her body. We both like that."
"Which leaves you--" She pointed at Big Mac. "considering the other side, that being Blossom Orchard. You are exactly what I was talking about, right now. I didn't expect that." The notes only increased in intensity. "Do you find yourself desiring to be a mare?"
"Um..."
"Or a pegasus?" She flapped her wings softly. "Have you ever expected something to come to you before realizing you didn't have a horn?"
He went stiff, remembering that happening just earlier that afternoon.
Twilight had noticed, more notes happening quickly. "Fascinating... Big Mac, this is something only you can decide, but it appears you may be transtribal. Perhaps also transgender? If you could be you, but a mare, would that make you happier, or not?"
Big Mac slapped the table, using the force to push himself up to all four hooves. "Stop it!"
"I made you uncomfortable... Sorry." Twilight set down her quill, her glow leaving it entirely. "Big Mac, you're a friend. You've been a friend for a long time. I'm sorry if I asked insensitive questions."
Big Mac blinked quietly. He had not expected Twilight to be so reasonable so quickly. "What'd you do with the real Twilight?"
Twilight smiled gently as she stood up and stepped down from her throne. "I know I don't give off that 'feeling', but I've been there. From the other end... There are times when I wonder... Would life be simpler... better... if I didn't have these extra parts?" She curled a wing around to touch her nose to it. "If I was just a unicorn..."
Big Mac's anger fizzled entirely. "Oh... Ah'm sorry... That must be real... Sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Twilight pointed to the discarded paper. "I should be the one apologizing. I had a personal interest in the topic and I didn't say that. I was lying. A little lie, but still a lie." She sat in front of Big Mac. "But I get it, thinking about a different body that you don't have... Perhaps I sound hypocritical, considering I do fly, and even enjoy that ability."
"No!" He quickly put his hoof on her shoulder. "No, ya ain't that! Um... If ya got it... may as well, um, use it... doesn't mean ya gotta like it a bunch. Um... Fluttershy! She got wings, barely uses 'em. More an earth pony mare, if ya think about it... But she can fly, and she does fly."
Author's Note
Ponies are coming out of the closets they put themselves in. Closets make for poor stables, as a note. Do not try to store your ponies in one.
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