Humanity and Ponykind

by GenericFriendship

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Profanity, Adventure
Length: 9753

The critically acclaimed (within Equestria) story of Humanity’s ambassador to Equestria.

In the future, Humanity will inevitably develop the technology to travel the multiverse’s vast and infinite expanse. Following this development, the US Government and Military wish to make first contact with another universe and have located an Earth-like planet within said universe that harbors intelligent life. Richard Jay Mattheson is their choice for who will first meet with these new species and lay the groundwork for communication between them. The unexpected factor is that the dominant species are anthropomorphic ponies. Richard will have to teach the ponies what he knows about humanity, and in turn, he will learn things about himself and this new world he wouldn’t have thought possible. All of this and more in the critically acclaimed Equestrian Volume written by Mr. Mattheson himself: Humanity and Ponykind: An Autobiography

Published 2022-03-01 05:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-03-30 03:18:38 UTC

Chapter 2: What in the (new) world?

[] Chapter 2 []

I conversed with Princess Twilight, and she consented to take me in during my stay in Ponyville. There I was able to visit the beautiful Castle of Friendship, her place of residence, all at her behest.

Richard Mattheson, once he had been released from his temporary imprisonment, was free to walk about Ponyville. The place seemed similar to Earth, but the sights, sounds, and smells were all just a bit off. There were no loud sounds of the city in Ponyville, only the quaint noises of the flora, the fauna, and the townsfolk. Richard plunged a finger into his ear frequently, still unadapted to the serene quietness. In addition to the sounds there were the smells, and the place absolutely, positively reeked.

Richard knew this place was inhabited by anthropomorphic horses, and that there were bound to be divergent sensations akin to the vastly different lifestyles of the ponies, but divergent didn’t even begin to describe it, for it was like nothing he’d ever smelled before in his monotony of city-boy existence. Unlike the still pungent but storied and familiar smells of the big city, here instead were the smells of the open country and the rugged farmland, the muddy footpaths leading through town, and the botany stands waiting for those seeking flowers on the open street corners. Doubtless, the sanitation here was much less prominent than on modern-day Earth, making the fact that ponies are less susceptible to germs all the more apparent. Speaking of the ponies, the other smells came nowhere near close to the most apparent (and by far the most pungent) of them, which was that of the hamlet’s animal residents. Not only did the Ponies give off an understandable sort of ‘horse smell’ that made the human eye water and scrunched up the human nose, but the entire town was run amock with dogs, cats, pigs, and other wild creatures that knew not the hindrance of a cold processing plant. The lack of cleanliness meant that Richard’s attire quickly became filthy, his shoes and the cuffs of his dress pants caked with mud, not to mention the sweat from the overbearing rural heat and humid climate. It was thankful then that Twilight had led him through town at an urgent pace, not stopping whatsoever to tour the valleys and explore the rivers, at least not for the moment. Instead, she took him directly past the quaint hills of the countryside, right towards a tall, crystalline structure that stood prominent on the eastern outskirts of the town proper. They stopped right in front of its massive front doors, and Twilight gestured a proud hoof to the majesty of the structure, a place she claimed was her own - a respective castle for a respective princess.

Richard scanned the front of the castle, his small eyes slowly rotating upward from the base to the topmost tower. His mouth dropped open like a trapdoor.

“Is this castle made out of crystal?”

It was gigantic, resembling something like a mystical tree in a children’s storybook, and the sunlight gleamed and refracted off its surfaces into jubilant colors that bounced seamlessly into the horizon. For all of its majesty, however, it sincerely lacked any kind of practicality in the way of battle. There were no battlements, no parapets, and no turrets to speak of, least of all a drawbridge and an accompanying moat. Richard wondered how a peaceful hamlet like this had an unfortified and defenseless castle… and yet, the town had soldiers milling about in gleaming armor. It wasn’t easy to figure the answers out on guesswork alone, that much was certain.

“Really?” Twilight asked Richard, shifting her gave over to him with an eyebrow arch and an incredulous smile. “I mean, they’re not that common in Equestria, but I’d have thought there’d at least be a couple, based on what you told me about your homeworld.”

Richard had taken the time to tell Twilight he was from not just another place, but an entirely different celestial body. That had been a shocker for her, but she’d gotten over it quickly enough, and had instead resorted to asking lots of semi-aggravating questions.

“... Not really. Crystal’s not exactly a readily available building material on my planet, and by the time we humans even had the means to use crystal, we’d lost interest. Now we use things like concrete and cement for the most part, though some of our buildings use primarily glass.”

Twilight’s eyebrows rose sharply as she took this inference in.

“You have buildings made entirely of glass?!” she exclaimed sharply. “How could that be safe?! What if one fell?! Isn’t glass easily shattered?! What if-”

Richard waved a hand to ease her, but he accidentally touched Twilight’s relatively small face in the process. He immediately retracted the hand bracingly, akin to momentarily touching hot burning coals.

“Oh shit-, uh, sorry.” Richard said quickly, leaning down to Twilight. “You… you alright?”

Twilight blinked, as she mentally scrutinized the momentary sensation. She seemed lost in thought for a moment.

“Oh, uh… it’s- it’s alright!” she said suddenly, reciprocating the apology. Then she fell silent again, thinking, and Richard rubbed his arm awkwardly as she did. Then she looked up to him slowly, and Richard’s guilt multiplied.

“Uhm… Richard?” she asked, curious and quiet.

“Yeah?” he responded likewise, wondering if he’d hurt her at all whilst mentally chastising himself. Nice going, ‘Dick’ Mattheson, what a way to go and blow your first actual friendship with someone. After she gets the scolding or unhappiness towards you out of the way, you better hope you remember how to not be an absolute tool, you-

“Could you… do that… again?”

He stared at Twilight, wondering if he’d heard her correctly. He stood there, dumbfounded and in shock.

“Er- wha?”

“I uh… felt something, a feeling of sorts.” Twilight explained, if a bit awkward. She rubbed a foreleg across her other foreleg shyly. “I… want you to touch my face again.”

“Twilight… are… are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Oooookay,” Richard replied, reluctantly sticking out his right hand. “Please tell me if you feel pain, alright? I am… not a horse expert.”

“Alright, I promise,” Twilight replied firmly, with a serious gaze. “Now go ahead.”

Richard stuck out his hand and put it onto Twilight’s face. She shook a little.

“Uh… like this?”

“Uh…” she said, feeling it out. “Move it upward, right to my forehead.”

“...Alright.”

“Yeah.” she implored. “Now… try rubbing a little.”

Richard unwillingly began to stroke her forehead, cringing all the while. Twilight’s response was to close her eyes, gently and purposefully. Her face curled into a grin, her head moving towards his hand to get further contact with his hand, which was now shaking near-violently with circumspection. She let out a noise like ‘mmm!’, which threatened Richard’s eyebrows to achieve liftoff.

“I don’t know why…” she said slowly. “... but that feels… really good. Really, really good.”

At this comment, Richard’s hand immediately shot backward and away from Twilight’s forehead, his face contorted with horror. Twilight’s eyes opened again and, seeing Richard’s mortified expression, her grin faded away quickly.

“Why’d you stop?” she asked, clearly having enjoyed that.

Richard’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Inside, his mind was racing.

Was I petting her?! Should I be allowed to do that?! Isn’t that technically demeaning her, or is it affection instead?! What are the implications of a human and a pony being in a relationship?! Oh my god, what the hell have I done?!

After a tense few seconds of mental insanity, he finally spoke quickly, and with his words having little coercion.

“I- uh- let’s- just- uhm. D-Didn’t you say you were going to show me your… castle or s-something?”

Twilight snapped back to reality. She giggled haplessly, apparently having forgotten due to the moment that had just been exchanged.

“Oh. Right, ehehe. Sorry, I just… I got caught up in what we were doing.”

Richard frowned deliberately. Though his training had covered sapients whose physical bodies were closer to domesticated animals, Richard did not consider that apt at all for Twilight. Yes, she was a literal horse… but no, she is not a pet or some kind of lower lifeform! She may look like it, but she was an equal to him, at least that was what he thought. He forced himself to push the negative thoughts regarding what had just happened down into the recesses of his mind and instead chose to follow Twilight bracingly into her gleaming crystalline home.

The interior was just as massive as the exterior, with nominally fewer crystals used inside. Instead, the walls seemed to be colored and smoothed-out stone, with crystal used only as an accent to the doorways. Richard supposed that if it were pure crystal, the concentrated heat would be overwhelming, but at the moment he was more focused on the majesty of what he saw rather than the temperature. The hall was giant, like a veritable Buckingham palace in its own right, with doors and stairwells all along the walls of the vestibule they stood in. He did a sweeping 360 across the room’s breadth and gave an awestruck exhale.

“This… place is gorgeous, I’ve never seen anything like it. Although…” Richard reared up a hand to shield himself from the stray refracting rays that streamed into the room. “it’s… really bright in here.”

Twilight was beaming with pride. She bent a hoof and scraped the ground in a lowly manner, turning the other way and blushing.

“Aw, it’s nothing… Oh! You haven’t met Spike yet! Spike!”

A short, squat purple-and-green reptilian creature similar made his way into the main hall, walking on two legs rather than four with a determined ‘pitter-patter.’ He had spines rather than hair, slitted eyes, and a lizard-like tail.

“Oh, hey there, Twilight!” he greeted casually. “How’d everything in town? Did you find out what was going-”

Spike halted before Richard, who stood there, tall as a dickens. His eyes slowly scanned him from the bottom to the top. Richard looked down at him (Spike was quite small) and he waved a hand awkwardly.

“Uh, hi there… Spike. Nice to, ehm, meet you?”

Spike gawked at him and pointed an accusing claw at his fleshy, clothing-covered chest.

“W–W-Wuh… what is that thing?!” he exclaimed insensitively. “I-It’s a monster!”

Twilight, annoyed at her friend’s comment, scooted in front of Richard as if to defend him. Richard gave a slight flinch and then adjusted his glasses.

“That’s not a monster, Spike!” she rebuked. “That’s Richard, and he’s my friend!”

Richard blinked vacantly, pointing a wary finger at himself and gazing at Twilight incredulously.
‘ “I’m your friend?”

Twilight turned around and smiled at Richard, arching an eyebrow.

“Of course, Richard! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, uh…” Richard began to respond, but he could not find an answer that reasonably denied hers. “Uh… I guess that makes sense?”

Twilight cocked her head a little, confused as to Richard’s response.

“Whaddya mean ‘you guess’, Richard?” Twilight asked questioningly, wary with enthusiasm. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Spike watched this silently, still getting used to the sight that a human was. He slowly stopped jittering, but his eyes darted from Twilight to Richard. Richard nodded his head awkwardly and adjusted his glasses again.

“Yeah, I get what you mean, it’s just…”

Richard trailed off. Twilight eyed him now.

“Just what?”

Richard coughed.

“Well, it’s just that… we kinda met only a half-hour ago. I don’t even really know you that much, and here you’re saying we’re friends all of the sudden.”

Twilight still didn’t understand. She moved over to Richard and looked closer at him.

“I mean, it’s simple, isn’t it? I’m showing you into my castle, we’re talking and exchanging information…” she said, smiling again. “That means we’re friends! Don’t tell me friendships are weird in your world?”

Richard thought about this for a moment, scratching his hair. He fiddled with his glasses, that dang nervous habit of his. It was true, friendships were different on Earth compared to Equestria.

“Uh, yeah, got me there.” he said, with an awkward chuckle. “Usually, you don’t consider someone your friend for… something like that. Acquaintance maybe, or even an associate… but not a friend. Friendships are usually more… intimate. They even usually include a greater amount of giving and taking most of the time. They’re different like that on Earth.”

Earth. Twilight had heard him refer to that before, the mysterious world of Earth that he hailed from, supposedly. He hadn’t said much about himself, but it sounded like Earth was very different. Twilight couldn’t help but smile again.

“Well, Richard, let me be the first to tell you that here in Equestria, there are lots of friendly ponies who’d like to be your friend, regardless of obligations!”

Richard looked down upon her. Equestria, an unfamiliar name… was that the place he was in, Equestria?

“So… I presume you want to be my friend?”

Richard seemingly hadn’t warmed up to the idea of friendships being so casual and easy to formulate, but he would adjust in time.

“Of course! You’re a real nice guy, and I’ve never even seen a human before. I’d love to be your friend, Richard!”

Richard’s heartstrings twanged like an elastic band. He couldn’t believe that Twilight outright loved the idea of befriending him. Hadn’t he only just met her about 3/4ths of an hour ago? Not even his mother had been this eager, and here this pony princess who was probably way more important than he was (that he’d only met recently) wanted to be a friend… his friend. He didn’t know what to say, and his lack of coherence grew as he looked at Twilight, who was smiling in the most friendly, happy gesture he’d ever seen. His heart melted.

“So, you’re the leader of this town… thing- uh, Ponytown, right?” Richard asked quickly, changing the subject with visible holes in his sliding from topic to topic. “Are, uh, are you the leader of Equestria, too?”

Twilight chuckled at Richard’s evident lack of knowledge, but not in a spiteful or vindictive manner. Rather, the idea that Richard needed to be taught how the world worked made her very excited considering that’d often mean research and studying… and she could practically see the amazing session they would be having! There could be flashcards, book reviews, and written open-ended questions… but for now, that would have to wait until Richard was settled.

“That’s Ponyville, silly, and I’m not the ruler of Equestria either.” she informed him, giggling some. “That’s Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, they’re the ones who-”

Suddenly a thought struck Twilight, and her pupils dilated.

“Oh no!” she cried suddenly, “You haven’t met the Princesses yet, and you’re an ambassador too! Should I send a letter- or should we meet them in person?! Oh, here I am talking your ear off when we’re about to have the first diplomatic meeting between an inter-universal species in history, and stupid Twilight Sparkle is holding it up!”

As Twilight began to hyperventilate, Spike hurried over and jostled her.

“Twilight, Twilight!” he exclaimed as he brought her to her senses. “Calm down! I’m sure there won’t be any records about you hypothetically holding up this… Richard guy.”

Richard nodded quickly in agreement.

“Everything you’ve been saying has been… really informative. Confusing, but informative, and I’m very… very grateful for everything you’ve been telling me. I’m… glad that you’re my friend, Twilight.”

Twilight slowed her roll, but she still seemed distressed. Her breathing slowed down, and she calmed.

“Thanks, Spike, and thank you, Richard.”

She thought for a moment, as Richard and Spike comforted her.

“Richard, can we get you a nickname?”

Richard jolted at the sudden request. He looked at Twilight pondering.

“A nickname? Is… is Richard not good enough?”

“No, no!” Twilight said quickly. “It’s just… it’s kind of formal, and it’s a mouthful. I was just thinking we might be able to come up with something short.”

Richard nodded carefully, and they set to thinking. After a moment, Twilight had a burst of inspiration.

“What about… Ren?”

“Ren?” Richard perused, giving the name a mental analysis. “Well, that’s not what I expected, but…”

He adjusted his glasses again, thinking it over.

“I guess it’s alright. It’s probably the coolest nickname I’ve had, actually.”

Twilight smiled happily, and Spike gave a bit of a smirk.

“Ren, huh? I guess that’s a neat name… I’m still keeping my eye on you, though… Ren.”

He did an ‘eyes on you’ gesture with Richard as the target. Richard suddenly wondered how much pain he’d be in if he’d accidentally poked his eyes out with those clawed fingers.

“Now, about these Princesses,” Richard said, changing the subject much stealthier this time. “What’s the deal with them?”

“Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are the rulers of Equestria, and they live up in Canterlot. (Richard swallowed a snicker, but sadly not a snickers bar) They’re essential to the power dynamic, and without them, we’d probably have greater difficulty in raising the sun and moon-”

“In raising the what?”

But at that very moment, a loud ringing echoed through the castle halls (and considering the length, it echoed pretty easily). Spike snapped to attention, and in a very servile manner, marched over down the hall to the front doors. Richard and Twilight looked in his direction.

“Who could that be?” Twilight asked no one in particular.

The sound of the grand front doors opening echoed after the ringing, chasing it away. Spike let out a gasp of surprise, prompting Richard and Twilight to follow after.

“Princess Celestia! W-We didn’t know you were coming!” They heard Spike say.

“That’s alright, Spike.” a heavenly voice replied cooly. “Alicorn Princesses have a way of knowing when they’re needed.”

After meeting Twilight, I soon gained the pleasure of meeting Princess Celestia. She was about as tall as I was and quite kind to me, and I shall scarcely forget all that she did for me, but at the moment she merely chose to introduce me to the surrounding area. With her and Twilight’s guidance, they showed me around the places of interest in Ponyville, and I found myself quite well-acquainted thereafter.

Richard hadn’t expected Princess Celestia to be as tall as he was, nor did he expect her to look as she did. Considering Twilight’s far more ordinary demeanor, he expected most of these supposed ‘Alicorn Princesses’ to be like Twilight in being casual and simple. Instead, Celestia seemed a goddess given flesh. He stood there, shaking a little, as he stood eye-to-eye with her. She was beautiful, radiant, and her hair was a literal rainbow. He was honestly speechless.

“You must be Richard Mattheson.” she began smoothly, “It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person. I had heard an unfamiliar creature had appeared in Ponyville, so naturally, I decided to investigate.”

“It’s great to see you, Princess, but you didn’t have to do that!” Twilight replied happily, “I’ve been handling the whole showing-Ren-around thing. We’ve been getting along great, right?”

She looked to Richard for confirmation. His eyes were still locked with Princess Celestia’s, and he had scarcely moved.

“Ren?” she asked, in her musical tone of voice. “So you already have a nickname for our guest.”

“I-I-I…” Richard stammered, his throat dry and his head empty. “H-Hello.”

Celestia smiled warmly at him, which helped to melt the tension and ease his cold feet. Then she laughed in a pleasant, gratifying kind of way.

“You’re such a card, Richard,” she said. “I can tell you’ll be making things interesting for us ponies here in Equestria.”

Richard stood there, in total shock. He didn’t know whether he should kneel before her or shake her hoof. Naturally, he handled it well.

“T-Thank you, uh, your majesty?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Richard internally screamed.
Or… maybe he didn’t. Princess Celestia gave a pleasant chuckle. Her laugh was like the dewdrops on sunshine.

“So, if I may be the first to ask, how was it that you made it here? As far as what I have been able to hear, you appeared following a sudden burst of energy.”

Richard somehow found his footing and launched into a bare-bones explanation of how he got here.

“I used it, and I kinda just got plopped down into Ponyville… and simultaneously caused a fracas.”

Celestia chuckled lightly, whilst Twilight worked out this new information, her gears turning rapidly. Celestia continued with the conversation while Twilight contemplated.

“I understand that you are new to our world, and are unfamiliar with my little ponies. That is why I would hope my former student would be up to the task of showing you around.”

Twilight perked up suddenly.

“That’s a great idea, Princess! C’mon, Ren! I haven’t even shown you Ponyville yet!”

“Wait, can I at least sit down for a little bit-!”

Magic radiated around his briefcase-less hand (he still carried his things with him, and they had been returned to him following his release), and it was yoinked in the direction of Ponyville. Twilight led along down the dirt road they had come from, the warm spring sun and the crystal-blue sky adding to the perfect scenery. There he went with Spike and Princess Celestia in tow, jaunting along through town at a leisurely pace. Once they got into town they saw all kinds of Ponies, ones Richard had never met, who surprisingly stopped trotting and waved at him kindly. All the hostilities seemed to have vanished. Then, he was pulled up to a group of 5 ponies who were sitting outside a cafe. They noticed them and headed over to them.

“Hey, Twilight! Hi, Spike! Hi, Princess!” the pink one greeted with spunk, before goggling at Richard. She gasped. “Omigoshomigoshomigosh! A new friend!!”

The pink one attempted to run off but was stopped by the blue one.

“Hang on, Pinkie… at least get to know this… thing before you go throwing it a party.”

“Oh, right!” the one called ‘Pinkie’ said in response. “If I can get to know a friend, then I can throw them an even better, super-duper DUPER party!”

She bounded around Richard, who warily swiveled his head to keep up. He was getting dizzy from trying to follow her direction.

“Eugh… can you please slow down?”

“Nope!”

The rest of them moved up, where Princess Celestia pointed a hoof.

“This is Mr. Richard Mattheson. He is a new creature called a ‘human’, and he will be staying with us for a while. I hope you don’t mind keeping him company during his tenure here in Equestria.”

“Of course not, yer majesty!” said an orange one, donned with a rancher hat. “Howdy thar, Ree… Rrr… Richard was it? Mighty fine ter meet yeh!”

“Uh… likewise,” he said, shaking her hoof. “Uh, I can’t say I’m too familiar with any of your friends, Twilight.”

Twilight waved a hoof to the rest of them.

“These are my friends, Ren! (“Ren?!” asked some of the other ponies) That’s Pinkie Pie-” the one called Pinkie let out a noise like ‘squeeee’, “Rainbow Dash-” The blue one with a rainbow mane crossed her hooves cooly. “Applejack-” the orange one tipped her hat. How she did that without fingers, Richard didn’t know. “Rarity-” a one as white as Celestia but with a plum mane sent a hoof through her hair flourishingly. “And Fluttershy!” one that was daisy-yellow with a pink mane blushed and hid her head.

Richard adjusted his glasses, and let out a shaky ‘heh’.

“Well, uhm… it’s nice to meet all of you.”

But Twilight just beamed.

“There’s more where that came from! We’ve got to show you the whole town!”

Suddenly, Pinkie rocketed right in front of Twilight with a crazed look on her face.

“Twilight!” she cried, “You’ll let us come with Ricky, right?!”

Ricky?! Richard thought, wondering how she’d even come out with that apt nickname. How many nicknames am I going to get?

“Of course! Anypony can come along!” Twilight announced, grabbing his hand magically again and pulling him along, an entire crowd of ponies in tow. “Come on, Ren! We still haven’t gone into the market yet!”

“Oh, what I have gotten myself into?” Richard asked himself worrisomely, as he was tugged along by a mob of happy ponies.

“Is it cake?” asked Pinkie enthusiastically, “I love getting into cake! It’s always super-duper yummy!”

“It was a rhetorical question, Pinkie, but I guess cake is nice.”

“You betcha, and I make help bake the yummiest cakes in Ponyville! You should trot by sometime!”

Richard’s posture became a bit lower. It was going to be a long day…

Act I: Overture (Chapter 1)

Humanity and Ponykind: An Autobiography

By Richard J. Mattheson

Canterlot Castle Publications

To Twilight, who is a fantastic friend above all others, and was my council when the embers of my mind were near extinguished. This book is dedicated to you and every one of your friends. Which is, to say, everypony and I.

[] Act I: Overture []

[] Opener []

To you dear reader, I am Richard Mattheson, and I am writing this because I have obtained a significant amount of information over my many years of living in Equestria. The information of the mind does not bode well if it is not shared, and what good does a story have if it is not remembered or cataloged? Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to write of my travels with those I became acquainted with, and what I shared in terms of human knowledge to the ponies of Equestria. It is a long and rollicking tale, so forgive me if this book takes up many an hour to read and digest. In fact, it might cause a swift bout of indigestion if not chewed methodically and appropriately.
To begin my story, it all started about 2 years ago human time, on the planet of Earth. Earth is the birthplace of the human species, or homo sapiens, and the place that I am proud to call my home. I was working a job in the government of the United States of America, the largest and most powerful of the Earth nations at the time. I had been given a special task, which was to make first contact with a new world, happening to be your world. Like all things, I handled it perfectly and was entirely sure of what I exactly had to do.

Richard Mattheson was entirely unsure of what exactly he had to do. Well actually, that’s not fair to say… Richard did know what he needed to do, he was just really unsure about where it might lead from there. Being unsure of himself was a thing that had been an ingrained part of his personality since his days of childhood, almost to the point of sheer absurdity. Yet at the same time, it was not unfounded that he was as wary as a trout and as skeptical as a politician if you’ll pardon the completely incidental political reference. You wouldn’t be unfounded to assume he simply chose to be unsure whenever the mood suited him, but Richard was not the type to make use of human emotion in such a fashion.

All that matters is that right now, that second, this was one of those times he was, in fact, quite unsure of himself. Being unsure wasn’t fun, by all means, it was quite messy with the perspiration, and made him feel uncomfortable, but it was something he endured as he did with many things in life… and now was of no difference.

He stood on a high platform raised over the side of a large cylindrical room, the walls lined with cold metal and crowded with a gaggle of scientists and men in military uniforms. Several monitors, terminals, and other complicated machinery read off numbers and figures that no doubt contributed to the preparation of the large machine in the center of the can-shaped chamber. Richard had been preparing two weeks for this day, complete with healthy breathing exercises and meditation, but despite all of his scattered training and the confidence of his peers he still felt wholly unprepared for his assignment.

This’ll be fine. He internalized, trying not to have a panic attack. They’re all counting on you. You can do this. Just remember your training.

Richard felt only slightly better, which was actually from the handkerchief he had used to wipe his forehead clean of sweat and not the flashback to what had caused this whole debacle in the first place.

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

Richard had asked this when he had walked into the office of General Mason, a prominent man in a decorative uniform with a barrel-chest and a shaved head, on one keen and lazy Saturday afternoon. Richard had been working with the US government as a linguist, messenger, and general office hand for about a year’s time, not to mention a few excursions at a diplomat, translator, and political informant to boot. All of this amounted to a somewhat undistinguished yet unique career in government, and Richard had originally gotten into his position because of a mixup rather than intention. Since his accidental hiring, he had found himself the exact kind of hapless bather the sharks of the US government wanted for a lapdog, and he had been set to work on a modest pay packaged in with mostly a bunch of insurance benefits. Now he stood in General Mason’s office, presumably to be briefed on a brand-new assignment, one that he hadn’t been directly formed of but knew was important to some extent.

General Mason nodded and waved him over. Richard made his way reluctantly towards the desk and sat down on a comfortless wooden stool, while General Mason reclined in a cushy office chair. Mason reached a bulky arm across the varnished burgundy, easily shaking the comparatively puny hand of Richard Mattheson.

“Welcome, Mr. Mattheson.” the General greeted warmly, exchanging pleasantries likening to a man being polite for something specific he wanted. “How are you doing today?”

“Very fine, thank you, sir.” Richard had replied, a mixture of pitiful gladness and stiff formality to his words. “May I ask why I have been summoned?”

The General nodded then and shifted about. His hands folded together and his elbows came to rest on his gleaming desk. A sly look was adopted on his broad face.

“Mr. Mattheson, are we to understand that you are capable of diplomacy?”

Richard nodded shortly, not knowing how in the world he had been pinpointed for diplomacy, considering the alternative diplomats to be chosen over him. He let out a small, unwilling chuckle.

“Well, um, yes,” he said cautiously, a faint grin to meet Mason’s. “I suppose you could say that. Done a bit of diplomatic work, here and there… but I’m no pro or anything.”

Richard scratched the back of his head and chuckled in concern, clearly trying to downplay his already poor usefulness. The General continued to smile.

“Move in closer, Mr. Mattheson.” he beckoned, waving a hand again.

Richard scooted noisily towards the desk, his stool screeching and scraping across the hardwood floor, until his knees were only an inch away from the front of Mason’s desk. Richard tucked in his legs and held them away, for it was more than his life’s work to touch the desk of someone this important. General Mason leaned in close, smiling purposefully at Richard.

“Mr. Mattheson, we have a highly important mission at stake, and we believe that you are the man for the job.”

Richard fiddled with his glasses absentmindedly. It was a frequent habit of his, meddling with the hinges so that they were parallel to the floor. Whenever Richard was excited, nervous, or even terrified, he would adjust his rounded spectacles so that they sat perfectly on the bridge of his nose. Sometimes he did it for no real reason, and nobody had ever bothered to ask why he did it, which was completely fine with him. Even he didn’t really know why, it was just a habit. Nothing more.

He blinked methodically as if his adjusted glasses still did not permit him visual clarity.

“Wh-wha… me, sir?” Richard inquired, confused and in wonder. “Surely you don’t mean…”

“Of course, you! No mistake about it.” General Mason continued hearteningly. He stood up from his chair, hands behind his back, and paced behind his desk. Richard’s eyes turned to follow his movement, but he remained rooted to the stool. “Now, on to business. This assignment is top-secret, classified all the way, so I don’t want a word about this to anyone once you’re briefed.”

“B-But… why me of all people?” Richard asked as he fiddled with his glasses again. General Mason looked at him with another gaze of gratification.

“Because, Mr. Mattheson, you are talented, and we all can see that.” the General added confidently, though it seemed a bit more for encouragement than fact. “I don’t wanna blow too much smoke up your ass, but you’re the exact kind of guy we need. Expendable. Experienced. The perfect choice.”

Richard didn’t know whether to be flattered or highly offended. General Mason had a look of plausible deniability and continued despite any reservations.

“Your training starts tomorrow, report to the main hall at 0600 hours. We’ll brief you on the mission, what your main objective is, where to go from there. I’ll be honest, I don’t put much stride in these things, but I know you're a good man. So I… no, we trust you to do this right. You understand?”

Richard gulped and gave a slow nod, though, in reality, he may as well have found better clarity in TV static. Not understanding was just the tip of the iceberg, and a mountain-pile of questions was being built up underneath his fragile exterior. He raised a hand to try and assert his concerns.

“W-Wait just a minute-” Richard began, but the General gave him such an indulgent look that his words faltered. Knowing he had him pinned down, The General moved up and proceeded to shake Richard’s now moistened hands with a firm grip.

“Attaboy! You’re dismissed.”

Richard slowly rose from the stool and shuffled quietly out of the General’s office trading the hardwood for linoleum. He stood there, shocked, in the middle of the hallway. Then he went to thinking… what was he supposed to do? He had tried to say something, but the General had a forceful personality. Besides, how could he turn down a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this? To actually be remembered as more than just the one pencil-pusher who gave people coffee (the General liked it black with some honey) was something guys like him dreamed about in their beds, talked about around the water cooler, and thought about when sitting at their desks type-tapping away.

It was decided then. Richard was about to be the Sputnik I of his new mission, and he didn’t know what the butterflies in his stomach thought about that.

In hindsight, Richard could’ve obviously refused the General, or at least might’ve tried to stand up for himself… but in the wake of the moment, his head was vacant and his mouth was dry. Now he stood there, his mission and his things the only thing to guide him on his brand-new and totally manageable job: making contact with a foreign planet and establishing diplomatic relations. No sweat, or actually, lots of sweat… for sweat beads were forming on his pale brow now, just underneath his raggedly combed brown hair and the apprehensive and nervous expression that formed his face. His knees were buckling, his breathing was heavy, and never had Richard ever wanted to both not be and be at somewhere this badly before in his life.

One of the men in uniform cleared his throat loudly. Richard jumped a little and turned to the Colonel, who had been calling for him. He was another important military figure, though not as important as General Mason.

“Alright, Mr. Mattheson,” he said importantly, his steely gaze piercing Richard’s faltering eyes. “We’re almost ready for you. You’re about to be the first man to cross the multiverse and make first contact with another planet. We’re all counting on you, so try not to die until we contact you in a month, got that?”

Richard nodded with reluctance but tried not to let it show. He had to keep wiping the sweat off his hands so that his briefcase didn’t slip out of his shaky grip. He tried his hardest to be brave and look confident, but he screwed up his courage and felt his posture sink.

Alright, no big deal, of course. Walk in the park. Cakewalk. Any other walking analogy. All I have to do… is be transported through some experimental transportation device, meet an entirely new species of intelligent life, and formulate good relations without dying or messing up. No problem there. Easy peasy.

The Colonel clapped him on the back. The General was too busy observing the machine, so the Colonel had taken up his role of emboldening in his absence.

“That’s the stuff,” he replied happily. “get in there, quickly! Don’t want to use more power than we have to, and this thing chews through volts like you wouldn’t believe. Got all your things?”

Richard gave another hesitant nod, before actually checking to make sure he had them. He was wearing a moderately sized rucksack that rattled with possessions, a cheap suit moistened with exudation, and a brown leather briefcase he was clutching shakily by the handle. Everything was here, his papers, his provisions… all the bare necessities and basic essentials for crossing spacetime and transcending reality. To be frank, there was no level of preparation for traveling through the multiverse, and Richard knew he was going away from his home and everything he knew and loved, but there was little going for him here on Earth anyway. The Colonel walked away, said something to a man in a lab coat that Richard didn’t attend to, and he smiled warmly at Richard.

A tight metal door on the east side of the room slid open automatically with a click, showing the way to a metal staircase leading down to the base of the cylindrical room.

“Head on down, Mr. Mattheson.” a scientist told him. “Take your time, if you need… this is a big step.”

Richard nodded and he did take his time, pacing his way down the stairwell with footfalls that were more analogous to lead weights. After a minute of stairwell descent that seemed more like an hour, Richard made it to the base of the platform, the bottom of the cylindrical chamber. There was a large, round platform, brightly lit and surrounded by a large overhanging contraption, likened to a beacon. Then, the loudspeaker crackled to life, hanging overhead nearby. Richard realized he was breathing deeply, with slow, heavy breaths.

“Alright, Mr. Mattheson.” it informed, “Once you’re down there, step onto the platform.”

Richard felt his mouth turn into a hot sunny day. It seemed like he had a mile to cross to get there, but just like that, he was on the platform. He coughed a little in an anticipating manner, and his head turned to the platform that hung above him. It hummed with noise again.

“Resonance frequency online.” the loudspeaker announced. “Locking on to signal, establishing course.”

Richard realized sweat was dripping down his nose, and he wiped it away absentmindedly as he traveled skyward, the platform he stood on raising him up so that he was eye level with the platform. He adjusted his glasses again to ease himself, but it only held off the butterfly nest in his large intestine by a short moment. If there were anymore apprehensive, Richard might’ve choked on those butterflies, but he managed to force them down after exerting great mental effort. Didn’t help he was so high up, and his head was swimming now with a nauseous feeling known commonly as a ‘fear of heights.’

A sonorous sound echoed through the chamber, alongside a piercing beep. The loudspeaker hummed again.

“Connected! The subject of transport is locked on and the course is calculated! Initiating transportation sequence…”

It was hard to believe Richard would be leaving his reality for a completely new one, and he was going to be the first of his kind to do so, provided the government didn’t cover this whole operation up. The Colonel leaned in and pressed the intercom button, and looked right at Richard who was quaking in his size 7.5 dress shoes. The Colonel’s gaze met him, those piercing gray eyes boring into his dull green ones.

“Good luck, Mr. Mattheson, and god be with you.”

A loud humming pierced Richard’s ears, and the machinery around him began to rotate counterclockwise. Richard tried not to flinch at the fast movement around him, and suddenly, something occurred to him.
“Actually, I think I left the oven o-”

…and then he couldn’t see anything but streaming lights all around him, and he felt like he was traveling at the speed of light, which was a fair assumption to make. The experience was like being hit with a flashbang and flying at Zero-G at the same time, except it was also like falling through a vortex, for gravity released him and he flailed through the space wordlessly. He cried out to try and stop it, but the reality around him was warped and shaped and mutilated until there was nothing and everything. It felt like everything was moving around him, but he could only feel what passed by for fractions of a second.

Then, all at once, everything suddenly stopped. Reality took shape around him again, he could see, and he was real again. Richard found himself somehow standing right-side-up when he landed, but the force of his transportation caused him to buckle and sprawl across the dirty trek before him. Richard was grateful that his perception had finally returned to normal and that nothing in his body seemed to be misplaced, but the heavy landing had knocked the wind out of him, and he gulped the air. Lightheadedness, exhaustion, and nausea gripped him. His briefcase lay forlorn on the ground, he could feel his sweat pooling in his armpits, his head swimming with disorientation. If he lived through this, he’d swear never to travel via experimental teleporter if he could help it.

If I can manage it, he thought to himself, I’ll walk to another dimension. Teleportation’s overrated anyhow…

He might’ve simply laid there forever, exhausted, sprawled, and heaving in the muck of the dirt. Contemplating the ethics of experimental teleportation for hours on end, until the heat death of the universe… if it weren’t for a pair of objects that thudded into the dirt in front of him. Richard looked up to one of them and saw some sort of brightly colored pillar, completely smooth, with the bottom rounded and flat but not squared or sharpened. When Richard shifted to look at it, he found it lifted away from him, and he raised his eyes to follow it. What he didn’t expect was where it came from.

It was an alien… or maybe it was an animal… or a sort of cannily-colored creature with bright eyes that shone with curious intent, and a vaguely human-like face with all the features and emotive functions. It looked somewhat like a horse, if obtusely cartoonish, and far too firm in the uncanny valley to be completely equine. It was more like a child’s imitation that had been refined and made real, and it stood before him, a very human-looking expression of fear and wonder.

Then Richard realized there were more creatures, about a hundred of them, pooled around in a messy circle. All of them were staring at the very spot upon which he laid, likening him to a doll tossed aside carelessly, equipped with backpack and briefcase accessories. He slowly grasped said briefcase firmly, lifted himself off the ground slowly, and got up to his feet in the most caring and methodical way possible. Standing a bit crookedly, Richard saw he towered over them like a monolith, making every creature gaze up at him now in a mixture of concern and an overbearing dread.

Richard himself did not know how to respond, for this was the last thing he thought he’d have encountered, being a crowd of human-like equines so multicolored that they made up the rainbow and then some. He slowly drew up a hand to the bridge of his spectacles, which had been jostled by his sudden arrival, and affixed them proper. All their eyes seemed to follow his hand as he moved it, blinked with every flex of the nerves, and shifted with every twitch of a muscle. This silence, in particular, was deafening. Not a creature spoke, nor did the palpable tension permit a cough.

A faint breeze blew and whistled, weaving through what Richard saw a lovely and pleasant little hamlet, a completely idealistic medieval village of beautiful browns, tactful tans, and gallant greys. He looked to the sky, the picturesque cyan-blue sky, with clouds that were the most perfect he’d ever seen in his life. Richard took in an awestruck breath and exhaled.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

My adventure was only just beginning, and shortly after I found myself in Equestria, I was given some lovely accommodations. The mayor of the village I found myself in was sent for to see me, the mayor of a place called Ponyville, a very lovely place indeed. This was where I found myself on that fateful day. To say that I wasn’t in a tricky situation once I arrived in Equestria would be a mere understatement.

To say that Richard Mattheson wasn’t in deep shit would be a colossal understatement. Shortly after he found himself in the midst of what he could only discern to be a pleasant hamlet filled with small creatures that resembled horses, everything else that happened next was an angry blur of him being carted by a mob into a cell. True, he could’ve picked his words better, but he hadn’t expected any of them to faint or call for his arrest (some had, in fact, fainted and or called for his arrest). What followed was Richard being dumped into a cell, chained up and restrained, to await what would likely be some form of interrogation or imprisonment. He hadn’t even done anything either, so he wagered the society he found severely disliked outsiders, and he couldn’t have been more than right.

They might’ve tarnished him with vegetables if he hadn’t been arrested so fast, at a speed in which he didn’t even bother to resist. The cell he had been thrown into wasn’t much better, for it smelled strongly of mildew and wasn’t furnished, but the curious thing is that it seemed hardly used. Dust coated every surface, and the building itself was made of stone walls and thatched rooftops. It didn’t look to be able to stand more than the sun and the elements, but Richard wasn’t complaining… better this than solitary confinement.

Richard had no idea where he was, and considering everything that had just happened, he was starting to become very worried. He didn’t want to die here, especially not in this dark and damp cell. Then the front door opened, light from the outside flooding in and also proving it was a one-room jail similar to a sheriff’s office, where a trio of horse-like creatures stepped inside importantly. There were two outfitted to be guardsmen (though primitively, for they wore plated armor and helms that vaguely resembled that of Ancient Romans), and the third wore a white collar with some kind of puffy caravat. The third stood between the other two, bearing a grey mane and tan fur that gave her a stately appearance, akin to a congresswoman in equine form.

She gazed upon Richard, who laid against the wall with his right arm suspended by shackles and motioned to the two guards silently. The door shut closed behind them, shrouding the room once more in the fade of the shade. The third horse creature approached the cell bars slowly, staring bullets into Richard’s eyes, a grim look to her demeanor. Richard, not knowing how to respond, unintentionally gave her a look of innocence.

“Creature!” the horse creature began crudely. “Can you understand me?”

It seemed he was interpreted as a hostile outsider, so Richard responded as plainly as he could.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, a bit smart about it, but still jittering. “I u-understand you.”

The lady horse creature seemed shocked that Richard was so… placid. There was no anger to him, nor was there any sense of disgruntled annoyance, but instead fearful anticipation.

The horse lady being raised an eyebrow. Her look gave the impression that she still didn’t trust him.

“And… and why are you here, creature?” the horse-lady inquired curiously. “Why have you come to this place?”

“I was transported here…” he answered truthfully, shifting as far forward as he could to be heard. The shackles restrained him from moving more than a few inches. “I came here because I am on an important mission.”

The congressmare looked over Richard again, who sat there in wonder and apprehension and raised another eyebrow.

“What is this… ‘mission’ of yours, creature?”

“I… I…” Richard began, before sucking in his courage. “I came here to pursue diplomatic relations.”

The congressmare blinked vacantly. She had not anticipated this creature was a diplomat, nor as she anticipated that he would be so cooperative. She sidled along a bit and whispered to the guard, who nodded and ran out. The congressmare turned back to him.

“What are you called, creature? What diplomacy do you seek?” she asked, the venom in her tone disappearing.

Richard nodded imploringly and rattled his chain for good measure as if it could potentially gain him her sympathy.

“My name is Richard Mattheson, and I’m the ambassador of humanity,” he explained hopefully, “I was sent here to meet with the sovereign leader of… wherever this is, and to exchange information between them and my species.”

The congressmare considered this, tapping a hoof to her chin.

“You are sure, then? Do you mean you do not wish to harm the ponies of Ponyville?”

Richard had to break out a coughing fit just to stifle his laughter. Following his display that the equine creature watched curiously, he leaned his head towards her.

“Of course not. I mean no harm towards the population of… Ponyville.” he said, stifling another snigger. He had a mission to carry out, he couldn’t blow it over something as stupid as a name… or a pun of a name, as it were. “I come in peace.”

The congressmare seemed a bit weirded out, but she was convinced. She nodded, after a final moment of silent deliberation.

“Very well. Wait but a moment, while I send for Princess Twilight.”

Richard gave a half-hearted and hapless shrug. He didn’t who ‘Princess Twilight’ was, but it sounded like someone important, and any authority he could contact was a bonus. The sooner he was out of this cell, the better, especially since his right arm was starting to cramp up from being forced into a raising-arm position by the shackles. The horse-lady turned and nodded to the remaining guard, and the pair left the building. Judging by the noise, the guard was standing posted outside the door, leaving Richard with his thoughts. He gulped.

“I hope this ‘Princess Twilight’ is merciful…” he said worrisomely, shrinking up against the wall.

After what felt like another fifteen boring, slow-as-a-snail series of minutes, the cell door opened again. There, a creature that seemed sub-heavenly stepped through… this creature also being a horse, but with wings and a horn, a weird cross between a Unicorn and a Pegasus, two creatures that Richard only knew to be mythical, and yet here she stood. She was lavender, with a mane with short-cut bangs, and a pink stripe right down the roots of her wine-colored hair. She was beautiful, at least for appearance's sake, though she seemed very… casual. She was only the height that the mayor had been, and not nearly as forceful.

The pegasicorn approached, looking at Richard with inherent curiosity. She went as far as the cell bars would allow. Richard cleared his throat.

“Um, is her majesty Princess Twilight busy?” Richard asked. “Or is she bringing me to her?”

The pegasicorn cocked her head and then frowned.

“I’m Princess Twilight.” she said suddenly.

Richard blinked, and then he recoiled in realization.

“Oh! Oh, oh please pardon me, your highness…” Richard begged, moving as close to the wall as he could. “I just- I mean, no it’s my fault I-”

The Princess seemed to be disoriented by all this. She flinched, grimaced, and then interjected into his pleas.

“I-It’s fine! P-Please calm down, sir, you’re not… you’re not in trouble.”

Richard slowed his roll and looked at Princess Twilight again. She didn’t… feel like a Princess, she just seemed like an ordinary pony, as ordinary as ponies go. Her look turned disheartened.

“Listen, sir… I just wanna know why you’re here.” she said, slowly and gingerly. “Mayor Mare said you wanted to pursue diplomacy.”

Richard nodded carefully, and his grin on the wall lessened. His eyes moved closer to where Twilight stood.

“Um, y-yeah! That, o-of course. I’m the ambassador of humanity, and my name is Richard.”

Twilight’s expression suddenly lit up, melting away all the tension that had been built. She giddily clung the bars, forcing her head towards Richard as far as possible.

“Ooh! Ooh!” she said in ecstasy, “You’re an ambassador on a diplomatic mission?! What’s your species like?! Where does your species live?! Does-”

Suddenly she stopped, realizing that she’d gone on another tangent again. Color drained from her face, and then flushed into it again. She stood there, silent.

“If you don’t mind me saying,” Richard said suddenly, “But you don’t seem like the regal type.”

Twilight’s blushing only grew. Then she coughed noisily. Was it that obvious?

“Oh! Uh, yeah, haha.” she responded, a bit nervous. “I’m uh, still kind of new, sort of. To the whole… princess thing.”

She chuckled nervously. If Richard thought badly of her, it didn’t show at all. He had stopped his reclusion, and was now leaning towards her again.

“Were you taken from your parents at birth?” he asked wonderingly. “Or were you never raised for your position? Did you replace someone who died?”

Twilight blinked. Then she laughed nervously at this.

“Oh! No, uh, well… it’s complicated,” she explained. “I wasn’t actually… born into a royal family or anything, it’s uh… it’s a long story.”

Richard chuckled warmly, not missing a beat. He was smiling down.

“I see. Well, I think you’re doing a very good job, for a do-it-yourself Princess.”

Twilight blushed again. She saw that he, like her, was new to their important position… Richard, after all, was supposed to be the ambassador of another species. He didn’t seem so formal to her.

“I’m surprised that you’re an emissary.” she remarked. “I would’ve thought somepony in your shoes would be more formal and straight-to-the-point.”

Richard merely shrugged towards this response.

“I’m no expert diplomat, but I’ve done a lot of reading and studying in my time.” he said simply “I only got this job because I was in the right place at the right time. If I was some kind of whizz diplomacy person, I probably wouldn’t have gotten locked in this cell. Wishful thinking.”

Twilight nodded.

“I can relate, sort of,” she added. “If it wasn’t for a certain fluke, I wouldn’t even be a princess. I was just… helped along by my friends and my mentor.”

Then she realized he was locked away in a dreary and drippy cell. The chain rattling should’ve been obvious. How long had he been in here?

“Oh, no! I’m sorry about what happened… Richard,” the name was unfamiliar in her mouth. “I hope you can forgive me! Ponies here in Ponyville can be a bit…”

“Reclusive?” Richard chimed helpfully.

Twilight deadpanned, but Richard caught a twitch on the edge of her mouth, showing a faint smirk that passed quickly. “Yeah, you can call it that, I guess.”

She leaned down her head, and a magical aura surrounded her horn. The cuffs holding his right arm to the pipe unlocked themselves, and so did the cell door. Richard rubbed his wrists gratefully, then he realized.

“Wait, how the heck did you do that?”

“Magic.”

Richard pretended not to hear this response. The last thing he needed was to learn that magic existed, too. No, he’d ask about this later. Magic just does not exist, it simply isn’t done.

“Thank you, Princess Twilight. You’re very kind for releasing me.”

Twilight beamed at this compliment.

“Please! Just Twilight, no need for any ‘Princess’ talk. All those formalities are a little… blegh.” she said, then stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes as she did. Richard chuckled lightly at this, and Twilight went on.

“If you can find it in your heart to comb this… whole mess over, you’ll find that Ponyville is a great place!”

Richard nodded happily. Twilight sure was nice, especially since most Princesses Richard had read about were either generic in their ‘nobility’ status or rebellious and potentially feverish.

“Alright, you’ve convinced me,” he said jokingly, and then laughed. His shakiness had disappeared. “You don’t have to call me Mr. Mattheson then, if you dislike the formalities so much. Let’s go.”

Richard approached, raised his arm, and gestured towards the door. The iron door handle sparkled, then swung open on its own, and was totally and completely not magic at all. Especially the kind that was done by Twilight’s weird unicorn horn trick thing she did before. Again, Richard dismissed this and went on to the conversation at hand and hoof.

“Lead on, your highness.” he said, with a sly smirk. Twilight rolled her eyes and pretended to be annoyed, but she smiled afterward. Their adventure was only just beginning.