Crystalline Boulders and Mozzarella Sticks
Pinkie Pie was nervous. Also excited. Nervouscited? Yes, but more than that too.
She paced along her little worn track and squinted again at the town clock tower in the distance. The treacherous hands had barely moved since she last checked it thirty seconds ago. Where was she?
She was panicking and she knew it, but what else was she supposed to do? Maud's letter had asked to meet outside Hearty Grains Bistro at seven and it was seven o’ nine. And it didn't help her nervous energy one bit that her sister was supposed to be bringing somepony special she wanted Pinkie to meet.
The letter hadn't explicitly said that her "somepony special" was "a special somepony" but Rarity had insisted that it was there in the subtext (subtext Pinkie still hadn't been able to see no matter how hard she squinted, but she trusted Rarity's advice).
Which meant that this wasn't just a friendly dinner between sisters and also meeting a new friend, oh no. This was her big sister introducing her new secret coltfriend (or maybe marefriend, if Marble’s guess was right) to her family. Which made it Important. Important with a capital I and underlining.
Thus, Pinkie was just about ready to burst from her boiling emotions. Excitement that her sister had finally found someone. Nervousness about if they'd get along well (she could get along with anypony but the rest of her family would be a harder sell). And maybe just a teensy tiny sliver of shameful jealousy that two of her sisters had now found special someponies before she had. But that sliver was easily buried under the weight of everything else.
She checked the clock again. Another thirty seconds. Maybe somepony had swapped some gears around during cleaning and it was running at the wrong speed.
She glanced back to the restaurant behind her and briefly made eye contact with Second Serving, the hostess. She smiled and Second replied with a slightly more forced smile before making a small gesture with her head. Pinkie shook hers in return. They didn't even need words anymore; they'd had the same talk so many times. Obviously she couldn't just go wait inside like Second wanted because Maud wasn't here yet and she had to be up and ready to say hi to her and her plus one the very second they arrived. Plus if she sat down then she'd see everybody else eating and get hungry and be tempted to order just a snack for the wait and then ‘just a snack’ would turn into some breadsticks and then an appetizer and next thing you know she'd end up full before Maud even arrived! So of course she had to wait outside.
Just in case, she pinged her Pinkie Sense for anything incoming she needed to know about. The feedback from the various twitches across her body was... fuzzier than normal. There was the flank-twitch hoof-tap combo that meant she was going to meet somepony new, but she already knew that. Then there was the double ear flop that meant she was being watched, but she knew that too (Twilight hadn't totally pulled her tail behind the cover of the bushes and Rarity's opera glasses were peeking out from between the leaves). But that was where the easy readings stopped. The tummy-clench-mane-itch-tail-corkscrew meant something big was coming, but nothing clearer than that. Could be good, could be bad, could be something next week and not even connected to her sister.
But what worried her most was a creeping feeling like maple syrup running down her spine. That was new and she had no idea what to make of it.
"Hello Pinkie Pie."
Pinkie jumped a full foot in the air. "Maud! You're here!" When had her sister learned to teleport? She hadn't seen her coming at all!
"I am." Though her voice was calm, her eyes were filled with excitement and nervousness. In one slow blink they told a story of eager anticipation, joyous reunion, and simmering optimism. She'd always had very expressive eyes.
Pinkie leaned in and turned the landing from her unexpected jump into a big bear hug. "I'm so happy to see you!"
"It's good to see you too. I'm sorry for the delay, there was an issue with the train."
Pinkie scoffed, then said the scoff aloud for good measure. "Pshaw! I didn't even notice."
A moment of sisterly silence passed as they both basked in the joy of seeing one another again.
"Sooooooooo..." Pinkie crooned leadingly, her eyes darting around for any sign of their mystery guest. "You said you had somepony special you wanted me to meet."
Maud nodded. "I did."
Pinkie craned her neck around once more, yet aside from Second Serving behind them they still looked to be alone. “Is he gonna be late? We can go inside and get an appetizer if you want. Maybe some oozy cheesy mozzarella sticks?” Her mouth watered at the very thought.
Maud shook her head. "No. He's already come. He's just shy." She looked down and said to the ground (or maybe a very teeny tiny coltfriend?!), "You can come out now. We're here."
At her words, something about the ground beneath her changed. A flicker of movement drew in her eye. Maud’s shadow was… wrong. Too dark, too long. It twitched, even as Maud herself stayed perfectly still. The edge rippled and Pinkie stepped back as her sister's shadow distorted and twisted. It grew larger and longer as it pulled away from her, darkening until she couldn’t see the rocks and grass beneath at all.
It bulged in the center, a pillar of darkness rising that slowly assumed the shape of a hoof. A second followed it, rising up and out of the shadow like an inky puddle till it set on firm ground. The hooves braced and pulled the rest of her shadow up behind it as the darkness solidified into the shape of a stallion that made Pinkie's blood freeze in her veins.
His was a figure she'd only ever seen at a distance, but one she'd never forget.
"Such an ignoble way to travel," he snarled, teeth glinting dangerously in the evening light. "I feel like a piece of luggage."
"It was your choice," Maud said idly. "I offered to pay your train fare."
He stomped his hoof and the patch of cobblestone turned to jagged crystal. "It is the principle of the matter! Trying to make me, me, pay for a ticket? Absurd! They should be thankful for my mercy for sparing their miserable lives."
Pinkie, meanwhile, could not breathe.
Her brain was swarming with a thousand thoughts like angry butterflies and her stomach had dropped down into her hooves. She couldn't think, couldn't speak. Her tongue had tied itself in a knot and she couldn't seem to make her eyes focus on anything for more than a blink.
Crystal. Grey. Cape. Maud. Smoke. Black. Tyrant. Teeth. Danger. Stomp. Shadow. Maud. Snarl. Evil. Scoff. Crystal. Train. Red. Necklace. Monster. Maud. Danger. Danger! Danger!
Maud turned away from the shadowy figure with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry, Pinkie. I got distracted."
Distracted? Maud didn't do distracted! Her focus was like a diamond drill!
She stepped back and gestured to the sulking stallion. "Pinkie, this is my coltfriend, Sombra."
The millennium-old tyrant —cape red as blood and mane black as coal— straightened up and scoffed with courtly indignation. "That's King Sombra, of the Crystal Empire and all her territories, thank you very much."
Maud arched a brow. "Sombra, king of the pull-out sofa and all its ottomans, this is my sister, Pinkamena Pie."
He turned to her and his eyes narrowed in a glare that could freeze ice. "Yes. We've met."
That was enough to snap Pinkie out of her shocked fugue. "We... have?"
"Indeed. I remember all who cross me."
Pinkie swallowed hard.
"However!" he declared, throwing back his cape, "as your role in my demise was relatively minor, you ranked merely two hundred and third in my list of enemies. As such, in light of your familial connections, your transgressions are minor enough that I am willing to overlook them for the sake of my paramour."
"Ah... thanks?" she replied. Already things were not going the way she'd expected, in several very big ways. "I'm glad you're not... upset about it?"
His cape fluttered in the breeze as he... posed? Definitely posed. No way that was a natural posture. "Such grudges are beneath me. A dragon does not concern himself with the buzzing of flies, nor does a king bother with the doomed revolutionary machinations of the peasantry.” He transitioned to a different pose, equally dramatic, but with more thrust hooves. “But it is not enough that I wipe the slate clean. My chosen dearest wishes for us to be on friendly terms with one another, and thus I have decided that we shall become the closest of confederates! Sworn allies by which not even the tides of time itself can separate!"
Sombra took a step back to make room for another sweeping gesture and, in doing so, put himself right in the path of Pokey Pierce. It was nearly a miss, but Pokey's shoulder still bumped into Sombra as he passed.
"Oh, sorry mate."
Sombra's eyes narrowed into a fierce glare. When he spoke again, his voice was low and dangerous. "You have made a grave error in judgment. From this day forth, count yourself among my enemies, you wide-hipped fop. My vengeance shall be swift and merciless as soon as I deal with the one thousand and forty five ponies who rank higher than you."
Pokey's pupils shrank to pinpricks as they jumped between the snarl, the crown, and the cape. Then he turned and ran, shrieking like a filly all the way.
Maud nodded to herself. "This is going better than I expected. We should eat." She moved towards the bistro's doors, the dark lord and repeatedly toppled tyrant quick to follow.
"A fine idea. Servant!" he barked, breaking Second Serving out of her frozen shock. "Your finest table for myself, my lady, and my newest compatriot! Somewhere away from the riffraff where we may converse in peace." Second turned on the spot and dashed inside like the Pale Mare herself was on her hooves. Pinkie scrambled to follow.
The walk through the restaurant was tense, which wasn’t at all helped by their hostess seemingly set on guiding them along the most roundabout route to their table. Wherever they walked, a ripple of stopped conversations spread out from their path. There was a nearly visible second wave as ponies recognized Sombra, tensed up, saw Pinkie trailing him, just as quickly assumed things were under control, and relaxed.
At least, Pinkie hoped they were thinking something like that and not falling under some kind of dark magic spell when Sombra got too close.
The walk also gave her a chance to corral her thoughts. Yes, it was Sombra, the real deal as far as she could tell. No mistaken-identity, no pony-that-happened-to-look-just-like-him, no hallucinations-making-her-see-villains-where-there-were-none. Not this time, at least.
Sombra the magical tyrant, scourge of the Crystal Empire was in Ponyville... and dating her big sister. Apparently. And he wanted to be friends with her specifically. Didn't that just fill her brain with an explosion of questions.
It was suspicious. Super duper suspicious. But it was also hard to reconcile her mental image of a brooding tyrant king with the bombastic stallion strutting along ahead of her. Aside from scaring Pokey, he wasn't even really doing anything evil. No wave of dark magic, no mind control (hopefully), no zoning-law-violating towers of malevolent crystals. Okay, magically lifting a bunch of ponies out of their seats so he wouldn't have to squeeze between them was pretty rude, but still not really evil.
She found herself at a crossroads. On one hoof, it wouldn't be the first time a bad guy had pretended to turn over a new leaf in order to trick her and her friends. Could she even trust Maud's opinion on a stallion known for mind control spells? On the other, not many villains opened with publicly declaring their intent to form a friendship. Usually that was her technique. Plus, he had Maud vouching for him (by dating him. And how had that happened?).
But Pinkie was, at her core, a pony who believed she could make friends with anypony, so she elected to put aside her preconceptions and give him the benefit of the doubt.
For now.
But if he tried any funny business, Twilight's castle was spitting distance away. Canterlot too, if you were really good at spitting, which she was.
They were led out the back to a small table in an adjacent patio area that was otherwise empty. Maud sat down first and Sombra quickly claimed two chairs and proceeded to lounge across them like he was in some kind of smoking parlor. With no other options left, Pinkie took the last available seat. Second Serving practically threw their menus at them before scampering away.
The silence was deafening as Pinkie fidgeted in her seat. Silence was not her forte, but even the Second-Best-Friend-Maker-in-Ponyville (Twilight took first place, of course) wasn't sure how to start a conversation with a stallion who was maybe-reformed, maybe-evil, and definitely dating her sister. Maud, meanwhile, consulted the menu with an appraising eye.
Luckily, the silence was short-lived, swiftly executed by Sombra's next declaration. "What a meager establishment this is. No musicians, no dancers, not even enough servants for every customer." He rapped his hoof on the table. "Cheap composite stonework. If this is the best this village has to offer, a radical change in leadership is needed for its own good."
"It's the nicest place for the price range," Maud mused as she turned a page. She glanced up and met his gaze. "Unless you were planning on paying for the meal yourself?"
"...it is acceptable. It would be unfair of me to hold a farming village to the standards of my Empire's capital." He turned his attention to Pinkie. “So then. Pinkamena—”
“Pinkie’s fine,” she piped up. “It’s what all my friends call me.”
He nodded. “Very well. Then I shall call you that as well. You may call me either King Sombra or Your Highness.”
Pinkie bit her lip. Not exactly the warmest introduction. But friendship was probably a new thing to him. “That’s kinda formal. How bout I call you KS?” she countered.
“...No. Even under the truce of friendship. Stations and decorum must be accounted for.”
“Sombrinator?”
“No.”
“Sommy K?”
“Not if you value your life.”
“Meet me in the middle then. How about just Sombra?”
“No,” he insisted.
“Yes,” Maud corrected.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Sombra alone will suffice. Be thankful for my magnanimousness in allowing you this courtesy. Such is one of the many benefits of an allegiance.”
Pinkie grinned in victory. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. If a bit pushy on the friendship angle. “Thanks! So you and my sister, huh? I gotta say, you’re not what I was expecting.”
“Indeed.” He seemed to preen at her words. “Any mare would consider themselves lucky to even catch my gaze, to have been granted my attention is an achievement worthy of merit in itself.”
That… sounded like a compliment. Maybe? Maud seemed to think so, if the twitch of her ears meant anything. “How did you two meet? Was it love at first sight? Oh! Did you try to take over the Crystal Empire again and Maud happened to be there on vacation and your eyes met across the battlefield but she was forced by her sense of justice and heroism to take you down but you still met up after and started talking while in prison?”
Sombra scoffed and Maud gave a small snort of amusement. “Not hardly, our tale is much more— ah! Finally! One moment.”
Unfortunately, his story was cut off by the sound of chattering teeth and knocking knees heralding the arrival of a teenage waiter who was sweating like yak in the dragonlands in the Summer.
"H-h-hello. M-m-my name is Fry a-and I'll be your s-s-server this evening.”
"You!" Sombra bellowed, his features twisting into a rictus of anger out of nowhere. He thrust his menu in the colt's face. "Just what do you call this?"
"T-the wine l-list, sir."
"Well I call it an insult! You dare present us with this mockery of a selection and expect us to not take offense?" He slammed his hoof into the table, denting it. "I demand satisfaction! I demand retribution! Your wings and the right hoof of whatever superior allowed this will suffice, if barely."
The colt turned bone white and his wings clamped to his sides like a scared clam.
"Sombra," Maid said lightly.
"Yes, dearest?"
"Current laws don't consider maiming as viable compensation for an honor debt."
He gave the wine list one last irritated look before tossing it away and sitting back down. "Feh. Of course they don't. How typical of a nation steeped in Celestia's soft-hearted limp-wristedness. Then in place of a wing I demand our appetizers be free of charge." His eyes flashed with purple flames. "It's the least you could do to settle affairs."
Poor Fry nodded like his head was coming loose and Sombra grinned. "A wise decision. My dear?"
Maud hummed contemplatively for a moment before lifting her gaze to her sister's. "Is the hay salad good here, Pinkie?"
"It's fine." She'd never had it, but it was a dish that was hard to mess up. Her attention was somewhat occupied elsewhere.
"Two hay salads to start. And waters."
Sombra growled. "I dislike salads. They are bland and tasteless. And I want wine."
"You’re having a salad; you need more fiber. And I am not paying for a wine you know you'll dislike just so you can complain about how inferior it is."
"Fine. Water will suffice then." He glared at Fry with renewed force. "But know this, whelp. I demand only the freshest water from your purest crystal chalice! I shall know if it is otherwise and you shall beg for my mercy as I rend the flesh from your—bzzt!"
A harsh buzzing noise cut through the air like an angry wasp. Sombra twitched at the sound, his rant cut off mid-word. After a moment he grimaced and continued. "I shall be most displeased." Somehow he made that sound more threatening than spelling out the threat.
“Pinkie, did you want an appetizer?”
She glanced at the menu that lay forgotten on the table. She knew most of Ponyville’s food scene by heart, but Sombra’s sudden one-eighty in personality was making it hard to remember at the moment. “I’m good.”
“Are you sure?” Maud pushed the specials menu page across the table. “Their mozzarella sticks are two-for-one.”
On second thought, some cheesy courage might be just what she needed to get through the evening.
A few minutes later they were alone again.
Pinkie tried to pick up the conversation where it had been cut off. “You were saying how you two met? Something about it not being ‘eyes locking across the battlefield’?”
Sombra scoffed. He did that a lot, she noticed. Or maybe that's just what his normal laugh sounded like. Another reason to try and get to know him better. “It was a meeting borne of desperation and fear by the usurper, Cadenza. After months of barely weathering my relentless assaults on her throne, that weak and cowardly excuse for a royal chose to lay a trap of foul and ancient sorcery.”
“Princess Cadance was tired of him resurrecting himself every few weeks,” Maud corrected. “No matter how many times she killed him, he always came back and tried to take over again. He is very bad at dying.”
Another scoff, this one more affronted than mocking. “Bad? I am bad at nothing! My skills in all fields are unparalleled!”
“Simply terrible." Maud shook her head. "He has died more than anypony else, but not done it successfully even once.”
“I could!”
“Then do it. Die.”
Pinkie gasped. Where had that come from? Telling a pony to go die? Even if it was Sombra, weren’t they supposed to be a couple? Was she bearing witness to the fastest break-up in romance history? She readied herself to jump in and push Maud out of harm’s way if he turned violent.
Instead, he just rolled eyes. “Well, obviously I can’t do it now, now that my soul is bound to you.
“Wait, what?”
“That was the usurper's solution,” Sombra nodded like that was a totally normal thing to say. “She bound my soul to a living body, both limiting my power and tying me to an inescapable watchdog.”
“Oh. Okay…” The idea took a minute to drip through Pinkie’s thoughts. “And she picked my sister because...?”
Maud sat up slightly in her seat and her eyes brightened. “She asked Twilight for recommendations for incorruptible ponies. My name was first on the list.”
That… actually made a lot of sense. If there was anypony who could resist being corrupted and swayed to the dark side, it’d be Maud. “Okay, I guess I can see that. But how did you go from that to,” she gestured vaguely, “special someponies?”
“Oh it is a long tale,” Sombra chuckled. Not a scoff this time. Progress! "One filled with triumph and failure, shouting and frustration, imprisonment and— bzzt!”
He flinched at the noise and Maud finished for him.
“He likes crystals. I like rocks. It was a natural progression.”
Sombra gasped. “You cannot condense such a vibrant tale of my victory into such a pale conveyance!”
“Your victory?”
Pinkie leaned back in her chair and turned over this new revelation as Maud and her date turned the conversation to something that sounded rather personal.
Princess Cadance had put them together. As a warden/prisoner situation, sure, but seeing as they wound up a couple anyway, she couldn't help but suspect ulterior motives. Maybe Cadance thought that getting Sombra a marefriend might temper his aggression. It worked with Discord, hadn't it? Or maybe it was an accident and her natural shipping skill just leaked into her search for a good guard. Either way, having the Princess of Love sign off on the relationship was a major plus.
That being said, 'falling in love with your jailor' didn't feel like grounds for a super healthy relationship. Bit of a power imbalance there.
Still, it helped put aside some of her lingering worries that this was all an elaborate scheme to Sombra's part. She tuned back into a conversation that seemed to have spiraled off in a strange direction without her.
"It's poor planning, that's what it is! No walls, no outposts. Why, I could march in an army from any direction and take half this town before the other half knew I'd arrived."
"It can afford to be. Ponyville is naturally defended by the Everfree Forest and the Ghastly Gorge to the South and West, and an army would have to break either Canterlot or Cloudsdale first to come from the East or North."
"Hmph. Yes, I suppose those are valid factors. But suppose I bridged the Gorge with crystals?"
"Then you might have a chance to begin a campaign on Ponyville."
"Begin a campaign? Preposterous! Victory would be assured!"
Yep. Definitely a weird conversation. What kind of pony visits a new place and immediately starts judging its conquest value? And yet, as Pinkie peered closer, she could see Maud was smiling. Smiling her thin little smile that most ponies missed, the one she did when she wasn't exaggerating it to make strangers feel comfortable. And she wasn't even talking about her rocks or family! Debating battlefield strategy was a weird hobby, but if it made her smile...
"Pinkie, you are a local, correct? Familiar with the terrain? If I were to come through the forest—"
"You'd lose half your army to monsters and the other half to exhaustion.” Maud shook her head. “The Everfree is not to be underestimated."
Sombra paused at that and arched his eyebrow. "Oh? And yet you claimed to have lived there comfortably for some time."
"Yes."
"In a forest of horrors that could wipe out my armies?"
"Yes."
"Where only the strong survive by dominating their foes through sheer force and power?"
"You'd know a thing or two about domination."
Sombra belted out a thick and choking guffaw. "Ha! Oh, you wish, you saucy wench!"
Pinkie blinked in confusion. A what now? That sounded like what happens when an engineer tries to make a pizza. Was this flirting?
She coughed, not wanting to interrupt, but definitely wanting to move the conversation elsewhere. "Why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself? I already know everything about Maud, but almost nothing about you." She had prepared, many years ago, a Coltfriend Questionnaire of things to grill any of her sister’s possible paramours about, but a lot of the questions like ‘where did you grown up’, ‘what school did you go to’, and ‘what are your thoughts on foals’ felt a little shallow when most of the answers were a matter of historical record.
Sombra leaned back in his seats, casually poised as if merely waiting for a painter to come and capture his glory. “What’s there to tell that is not already carved into the history of the world? I was abandoned as a foal, raised as an outcast in a society that neither would nor could understand me, beloved by only a single filly who eventually grew up and became the living embodiment of that which caused me the most pain.” He waved his hoof in a nonchalant manner. “So, like anyone would, I channeled that pain and rejection into raw magical power, overpowered my oppressors, wrested control of the Empire, and seized everything that was once denied to me, establishing myself as the Crystal Empire’s once and Forever King.”
Silence reigned. Even the birds and bugs and diners inside the restaurant quieted down (which kinda gave them away as eavesdroppers). Pinkie gave a dark lord a long look over a rigid smile. “That’s… nice. But I meant something more like your favorite cupcake flavor or your hobbies or something.”
“Bittersweet chocolate with raisins,” Maud supplied. “And his hobbies are crystals.”
“Crystals!” Sombra rasped as starry glee filled his eyes. “Oh I have much to say on the matter of crystals! Their mathematical symmetry, their geometric perfection! I could speak for hours on the glory and splendor that is crystals!”
“He can," Maud confirmed with a nod. "It was a lovely first date. Though lately I've been turning him on to other phenomena.” She paused. “Geological phenomena.”
Pinkie blinked in surprise. Was that…? No. Normally she could read her big sister like a book, but even she couldn't tell if that had been intentional.
“I built the Crystal Palace, you know.” Ebony light flared from Sombra’s horn and a tiny replica of the Empire’s iconic tower grew from the table. “Magnificent, I know. An eternal testament to my power and legacy that will outlast even the stars themselves! You’re a Mare of the Earth as well, are you not? Surely you can appreciate such elegance.”
Pinkie wisely elected not to mention how easily the world's smallest alicorn tended to blast holes through it like a party cannon through tissue paper. “That’s very impressive.”
“Of course I am. It’s amazing how quickly you can get things done with a nation’s worth of enslaved labor and proper motivation. Though I still endeavored to learn everything necessary in the fields of mathematics, architecture, and geometry in order to ensure perfection in my creation.” He gave a haughty sniff. “Back in my day being called a Scholar King meant something. Unlike the nobility I’ve seen these days, sniveling nepotees and barely educated children trying to run a nation. Inconceivable! Never could I have imagined such—bzzt!”
Pinkie took the chance to redirect with a question. “What’s that buzzing noise I keep hearing?”
"An infernal piece of magical—bzzt!—choker!" Sombra bleated out.
"It's a rehabilitation charm," Maud said. She lifted a hoof and parted the thick fur of his neck to reveal an intricate golden choker with a large blue stone. A matching bracelet graced her wrist. "For when he starts backsliding into bad habits. Princess Cadance insisted."
"Another indignity heaped upon me by the usurper. A debt which shall be repaid in blood and—bzzt!— Argh! Where is our servant!?" he snapped and slammed his hooves on the table. He turned to a window that led back inside (just in time for a couple of ponies who'd been not-so-sneakily trying to listen in to disappear around the edges). "How long can it take to prepare water and salads?"
"Server," Maud corrected. "They may be understaffed or overbooked."
"Even if they are, this wait is inexcusable!" Black lightning crackled across his fur as he stood, shooting off in tiny bolts to zap the table and chairs and decorative plants. "It seems even in this supposedly enlightened modern age, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself."
"What are you going to do?" Pinkie asked.
"I intend to march into their stronghold and demand to speak with a manager!"
"Sombra..." Maud said warningly.
"They will live," he clarified, "but by the time my wrath is sated, they shall yearn for the sweet release of death after I use their own mediocre kitchen tools to—bzzt!—convey my displeasure."
His piece said, Sombra turned and stomped inside, the bricks of the patio crackling and gleaming with crystalline sheen with each step.
"Is it okay to let him go off on his own like that?"
"He'll behave."
"Okay then!" Pinkie clapped her hooves together then steepled them. "Maud."
“Pinkie.”
“...Sombra?”
“Yes.”
“He's kinda... intense.”
“He's very passionate, yes.”
“And shouty.”
“Bombastic.”
“And he orders ponies around a lot.”
“Good leadership skills.”
"Maud, he was an evil sorcerer who seized control over an Empire and ruled it with an iron hoof!"
"Correct. He was. Now he is my coltfriend and usually sleeps in my spare bedroom."
Pinkie appraised her sister with a gimlet eye. “...you're not under any kind of mind control, are you?" she asked suspiciously.
"If I was, would you be able to tell?"
That was a good point. She would be able to tell. So then what was the deal? What had her so hooked that Maud—one of the most level-headed and reasonable ponies that Pinkie knew—was willing to look past all of Sombra’s… everything?
“He’s trying very hard, you know.”
Pinkie’s ears perked up at the unexpected comment. “Huh?”
“Sombra. He’s determined to get your approval and has been on his best behavior all evening. This is the first date we’ve been on where he hasn’t thrown somepony out of a window or turned something to crystal and declared divine sovereignty.”
“But… why would he care so much about what I think?”
Maud sighed and gave Pinkie a look that said it shouldn’t need to be said. “Because he wants me to be happy and he knows that I care about what you think. So making you unhappy will make me unhappy, which is why he’s being so much more over-the-top than usual. He’s playing to the crowd.”
Before Pinkie could probe further, the stallion in question returned, smoke leaking from the corners of his eyes and a dissatisfied snarl on his lips. He fell back into his chairs like a collapsing storm. “It seems that mongrel of a servant has chosen to abandon his post rather than continue to perform his duty and serve his betters. Such insolence! I shall not let such an affront as this go unpunished! I shall track him down and make him rue this grave insult to my lady and her sister! He'll spend the rest of his days as a crystalized coatrack and the heads of his superiors will decorate my mantle!”
“But what of the salads?” Maud asked.
“They will be here shortly. The chef swore it on his life.” He settled back down onto his makeshift lounge. "What matters were discussed in my absence?"
Pinkie moved to redirect. "We were—"
"Pinkie was asking for reasons why I like you."
"Oh? Did you tell her of my immeasurable magical prowess? Of my impeccable sword handling skills? Of how the light dapples through my coat?"
"Of your outrageous modesty?" Pinkie suggested with an eye roll.
"That as well."
"No," Maud replied, "But I was about to tell her about the time you sabotaged one of your coup attempts in order to steal a vintage wine from the palace cellars for my birthday."
The dark lord stiffened and suddenly seemed very interested in looking elsewhere. "Yes, well... it would have been wasted on that usurper."
"And the regolith jewelry from the reliquary? Those would have been wasted in storage as well?"
"A-Absolutely!" Was he... blushing?
"And when you kidnapped an actor so you could take his place and correct the inaccuracies I pointed out in the play, even though the role was a silly caricature of yourself?"
"That- I-" he sputtered, losing nearly all of his intimidating aura. "I thought we said we wouldn't—"
But Maud pressed on. "Or even a few nights ago after dinner, when I brought out the rope and you finally—"
"D-Dearest!"
His strangled shout was punctuated by a quarter of the table shattering under his hooves. A blush crept across his face like embers under his ashen fur.
"...I can fix that," he muttered, the words barely audible as a patch of blue crystal grew to fill in the table's missing portion.
"You see?" Maud said, turning to her silenced sister. "Despite appearances, he's actually quite soft and affectionate."
No!" Sombra cried, clinging to the shreds of his dignity, "I am mighty and powerful!"
"Just a big softy. Like mica."
"That— that is the opposite of what I am!"
Maud paused and thought it over for a moment. "That is true. In some ways you are incredibly hard."
Pinkie blinked and blushed. Okay, that one had to be intentional. Even Sombra had gone from pink to a ruby-like crimson.
"As hard as rock." She gestured and tugged on his shoulder. "Kneel down for a moment."
"A king never kneels!"
She raised an eyebrow. "I've seen evidence to the contrary."
"That—bzzt!—there are exceptions." Cowed, he followed through and knelt on the floor, only then coming to proper eye level with them. Maud rose from her chair, reeled back, and walloped her hoof into his side so hard it whipped up a miniature whirlwind! He barely even budged. She sat back down.
"Muscles like granite. He can buck a pony-sized boulder sixty lengths."
Pinkie held back a gasp. That was almost as far Maud herself could! And no one bucked better than her sister!
He positively glowed under her praise, all embarrassment seemingly forgotten. "But of course! Back in my day being called a Warrior King meant something. My body is as much a weapon as my magic. No usurping sorcerer is ever prepared for sudden martial combat!"
"S-sir? Ma'ams? Your starters are ready."
With the arrival of food, conversation slowed down. Sombra continued to wax poetic over everything that caught his attention and Maud reeled him in when he got too caught up in a monologue.
And Pinkie took everything in.
Every casual comment and careless remark. Every blush and smirk and frown and glare. Was that a negging compliment or was it just Sombra being old fashioned? Was Maud cutting him off or finishing his sentences? What kind of topics did they dance around? Every scrap of information to help her look beneath the surface of their words to find the truth of it.
And the more she looked, the more her worries seemed to fade away.
Despite being a terrifying evil sorcerer who conquered a nation and ran away with it for a thousand years, Sombra was a surprisingly interesting pony to talk to. Once you got past the yelling and demanding (though she didn't miss that for all the shouting he did at the staff, the other diners, and the noisy birds, he never once raised his voice against Maud). If she closed her eyes, it was easy to pretend he was some young nobility from Canterlot, bursting with pomp and radical political opinions and a degree of entitlement.
Meanwhile Maud seemed to ride on his energy, contributing much more to the conversation that she normally would. Telling jokes. Getting into little back-and-forths with him.
They fit together, in an odd way. Like pieces cut from two different puzzles with the same die. The combination was unexpected, but seemed to be good for both of them.
There was just one last thing that weighed on her mind.
As the waiter cleared away their dessert plates and set out coffees, Pinkie straightened up in her seat and put on her most serious expression. Technically it was supposed to be a scary older brother filling this role, but with none available she figured could pull it off as a scary little sister instead.
Sombra seemed to notice her suddenly determined gaze and stopped laughing at his own joke long enough to address her. "What is this face you're making?"
"If you need the restroom, they're inside to the left," Maud said.
Pinkie stopped trying to pull a scary and intimidating expression. Apparently she still needed more practice. "This is my serious face. For serious questions. Questions that may make or break what I think of this relationship."
Sombra accepted her gravitas immediately and straightened up like a colt in class. Maud's eyes flickered with worry and widened with an unspoken question. "Ask then," he said.
She took a deep breath and steadied herself. "Sombra. What exactly are your intentions?"
His seriousness passed quickly for a leering grin. "My intentions? Pinkie, my newest compeer, you could not begin to fathom the depths of my intentions. My ambitions are endless, a yawning chasm of—"
"No, wait, lemme rephrase it."
His mouth snapped shut and she was treated to a glare. Ooookay, apparently he was only okay with Maud cutting him off. Noted.
"Let me put it like this.” She squared up her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “Do you still want to take over the Crystal Empire?"
"Absolutely." He answered without hesitation. "Equestria as well. I shall conquer every land under the sun and bind them together under my heel!" He made a wide gesture and let his foreleg wrap around Maud's shoulders to pull her in. "With her by my side as my Dark Queen, none shall stand before us and I shall lay the wealth of nations at her hooves!"
Maud blushed in surprise, but settled into his side with a small smile.
“Your Dark Queen?” That wasn’t right. He was supposed to choose love over power and prove he was reformed by it. Not make power a testament to love!
"Of course! I can think of no pony I'd rather have by my side! She is, in every way, unlike the mares of my day. Strong willed, finely honed, and with a firm and unyielding grasp on that which she desires. She has the spine to stand before me and speak without flinching, and a mind as sharp as diamond. Had I known her in the old days, I would have made her a general in my armies, with a thousand legions under her command!" He looked down and met Maud's eyes with a tenderness unlike anything he'd shown all evening. "But these are not the old days, and I find myself enraptured by things I had never before given thought to."
"And you're okay with this?” Pinkie turned to her sister. “Okay with him still wanting to take over the world?"
"I'm unconvinced," she admitted, "but he makes a good argument, so I'm trying to be supportive of his interests."
"And in return all the bounty of the earth shall be hers!” He thrust a hoof towards the sky as his horn loosed a bolt of black lightning.
“Thank you, dear,” Maud murmured from his side.
Pinkie gathered their attention with an intentionally deep breath before letting it out with dramatic slowness. “Alrighty. I’ve come to a decision. I’ll admit, I was pretty worried at first. I thought Maud might bring home some stallion I wouldn’t get along with. Like some overly literal stick-in-the-mud or a stallion who doesn’t know how to take a joke or is gluten-free sugar-intolerant.” She shuddered at the very thought. “So then I was even more worried when she showed up with one of the last big baddies we have on the books that hadn’t yet been reformed or resealed. But after getting to know him and watching the two of you get along like an old married couple,” she stopped trying to suppress her grin, “I can happily say that I give this relationship two thumbs up!" She brandished her hooves on which she wore a pair of oversized strap-on thumbs, bought exactly for this occasion.
Sombra scoffed lightly and flipped his mane. “What need does a king have for your approval?” But though he tried to hide it, Pinkie still caught a glimpse of a small smile. At this point, telling him that she knew he was specifically trying to win her over and that he didn’t need to would just be mean. Let him keep his pride.
"Thank you, Pinkie," Maud said, "It makes me happy that you like him." She eyed the thumbs with an expression Pinkie couldn't place. "Could I borrow those afterward?"
She popped the thumbs off and tossed them over. "Sure! What for?"
"They'll be useful for showing Sombra my approval later. A reward for his good behavior."
The not-so-scary tyrant spat his coffee across the table. "Maud! Dearest! Such things should be spoken of only in private!"
"We are in private. There's only Pinkie here."
Pinkie nodded. "Yep. Just me. And the waitstaff, the other customers, Twilight and the girls hiding in the bushes just in case, and about twenty-ish royal guards hiding in the bushes beyond them… but aside from that we're completely alone!" Though she couldn't see what the big deal was.
There was a sudden notably distinct lack of rustling from the nearby shrubberies until a refined voice called out, "I was rooting for you the whole time, darlings! Forbidden love is always the sweetest!"
The voice was quickly hushed by a chorus of scolding whispers.
Pinkie took a sip from her coffee that had nearly enough sugar to qualify as a pudding. "Now you've just got to convince the rest of the family. Father will respect him for his strength and Mother will follow his lead, but you know he's probably going to have to fight Limestone."
"And I welcome the challenge!" Sombra boomed, "If she is even half the challenger Maud is then it will be a battle worthy of legend and song! On that note..." He rose from the table, letting the chair scrape and squeal beneath him. "I think a bit of exercise would serve well to help with digestion. I want to see how these modern royal guards stack up against their forebearers. Would you care to join me, my dear?"
Maud waved him off. "No, but you have fun. I'll take care of the bill."
"Excellent! Prepare yourselves!" he cried before launching himself into the bushes atop a rising pillar of crystal, cackling all the way.
Maud drained her cup and rose as well, though far less dramatically.
"Do you need me to chip in?" Pinkie asked. "I think I have some bits stashed near here."
"No need.” She pulled a slim black crystal out of her frock. “Princess Cadance gave me a royal charge card for any Sombra related expenses." A small, mischievous smile flashed across her face. "She forgot to revoke it even after he and I became an item."
The mention of Princess Cadance reminded Pinkie of her one lingering concern that had nearly slipped her mind. "Speaking of her, why do you keep zapping Sombra so much?"
Maud's eyes widened a fraction, spelling out her honest confusion. "Zapping?
"The rehabili-whatsit thing?"
"Ah. That." She nodded in understanding. "It's a truth-compulsion spell to help him be more honest with himself. That's just the sound it makes; it doesn't actually shock him."
She treated Pinkie to a devious grin. "We leave those kinds of toys at home."
