The Cutie Mark Cluckers

by Mind Jack

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sweetie Belle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Apple Bloom, Comedy, Scootaloo, Fluttershy, Random
Length: 2444

The Cutie Mark Crusaders become substitute chickens. Hijinks ensue. A cockatrice makes an understandable mistake.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders become substitute chickens. Hijinks ensue. A cockatrice makes an understandable mistake.

A commission for The Wandering Commenter.

Published 2022-03-01 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-03-01 19:20:01 UTC

The One With Feathers

The Sisterhooves Social was a Ponyville tradition that was beloved by everypony in town. It had been going on for decades, and likely would for decades more.

It was a race along an obstacle course. Typically, all the obstacles were farm or garden themed. The teams would carry eggs together, mash grapes into jelly, and jump through simple tire courses.

The obstacles had changed a little this year.

"Applebloom!" Sweetie Belle called desperately. The two of them had decided to enter together this year, to give their actual sisters some time to themselves. Currently, Sweetie Belle was dangling off a balance beam, over a lava pit.

The town council really shouldn't have trusted Lightning Dust to design the obstacle course. Especially for the cheap price she offered.

Applebloom hauled her back up onto the narrow, wooden beam, somehow managing not to fall off herself. "Come on! We got a lead! We gotta make it bigger!"

Indeed, they had successfully navigated the smashing-together walls, laser traps, and monster that insisted on asking riddles to get a sizable gap between themselves and the other competitors. But it could be closed quickly if they didn't get moving.

They made their way across the balance beam, and galloped towards the next obstacle: an unassuming chicken coop.

Applebloom kicked in the door, and stopped in her tracks.

Sweetie scooted up behind her, wondering why she'd stopped. When she saw it, her eyes widened to the size of Luna's mighty moon.

Their friend and fellow crusader, Scootaloo, was a prideful and headstrong filly. The last thing they would ever expect to see was her in a white chicken hood, wearing a fake beak on her nose, and sitting on some eggs.

Yet here she was.

"Hi girls!" She greeted.

"Uh… Hi…" Applebloom said hesitantly.

"Sorry," said Sweetie. "We were just a little taken abawk." Applebloom elbowed her. "I mean aback!"

"Oh right!" The pun sailed over Scootaloo's head like most other pegasi. "I forgot to tell you. None of the farmers could spare any actual chickens this year. So they hired me."

"That's… huh." Applebloom was weirded out, but had to admit, it was a pretty clever idea. "They're paying you?"

Scootaloo nodded excitedly. "Quite a bit, too."

"I guess the nest egg must have been pretty big." Sweetie yelped as Applebloom elbowed her again for her pun.

"Oh buck yeah!" Scootaloo agreed. "I'm putting it towards my college fund."

"Don't use fowl language." This time, Sweetie blocked the elbow with magic.

Applebloom swiped her magic off with a glower. "Ya know, this doesn't sound like a bad job. I could use some extra bits too."

"I did accidentally mess up one of Rarity's dresses recently. I should pay her back." Sweetie put a hoof to her chin. "Although, it's kinda weirding me out… I'm having an… egg-sistantial crisis."

Scootaloo and Applebloom shared a look, and nodded.

Both of them elbowed Sweetie Belle, who just laughed.

"I'll get you guys the number of the agency I'm working for," Scootaloo promised. "But uh… we really should continue the race."

For the first time, they noticed a line of impatient sister pairs waiting outside the coop.

Applebloom and Scootaloo looked at Sweetie Belle, who glanced at the eggs, then back to the door. "Time to fly the coop!"

She and Applebloom took their egg and dashed off.

Though they ended up losing the Sisterhooves Social, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were rather excited for the next day's activities.

"So, we just sit on these eggs all day?" Sweetie Belle asked.

The three of them were all wearing white chicken hoods, and fake yellow beaks. The company in charge of substitute chickens had been surprisingly fast, as if they did this far more than any of them knew.

"Yup!" Scootaloo confirmed. "It's not that hard. Our contract also says they have to feed us."

Their current client was Applejack. Apparently her chickens had gone on strike, and she needed replacements until it could be resolved. Applebloom's older sister had been rather surprised when the Crusaders showed up, but had already paid, so just let them get to work.

"How did you even find this job?" Applebloom asked. "This seems a bit too specific to just find in the newspaper."

"A talent scout tracked me down," Scootaloo replied. "Apparently flightless pegasi are actually good for this kind of thing."

"And your aunts were just… okay with that?" Sweetie Belle asked, concerned.

"No," Scootaloo corrected. "But my parents thought a job would be good for me. So they said yes anyway. They asked surprisingly few questions."

Neither Applebloom nor Sweetie Belle knew how to respond to that, so they moved on. "Lucky this job is legit then," Sweetie said awkwardly.

They sat still for a long time. There was surprisingly little to do in a chicken coop. But they would not surrender! They would not give into fatigue!

"This is really boring," Scootaloo complained. "Can we go home yet?"

"Not til Applejack and Fluttershy finish negotiating with the chickens," Applebloom replied.

Out in the pasture, they could see an army of chickens glaring down a very nervous Applejack, while Fluttershy spoke on her behalf.

Scootaloo gave a yawn. "Maybe we should have brought some books or something."

"I could sing," Sweetie suggested. "I've been practicing."

"I guess it couldn't hurt," Applebloom said with a shrug.

"Yeah!" Scootaloo agreed, perking up. "I know you've been working crazy hard. I wanna hear how you're doing!"

Sweetie blushed a little. She nestled around a bit, getting comfortable, and took a deep breath.

"...So while she can meet your demands for better chicken feed, there's no real way to install indoor plumbing or a coffee machine in the coop."

The feathered horde started bawking in protest, refusing to accept the compromise relayed by Fluttershy.

But suddenly, one by one, they stopped, listening. A heavenly sound drifted down to them from the direction of the coop. They all turned towards it.

Then they charged.

"Aaaaaah aaaaah aaaah aaaaaaaaah!"

Sweetie Belle's song was a charming aria, sung clearly and smoothly. It was enough to bring tears to the eyes of Applebloom and Scootaloo.

"Aaaah aaaah AAAAAAGH! What's going on!?"

Her singing turned into a scream as a clucking tide flooded the coop, jumping up onto the raised nest around Sweetie, with one even jumping onto her head. "What are they doing!?"

"Oh my!" Fluttershy said in concern as she followed them in. "Calm down, little chickens! Can you please tell us what's going on?"

One hen bawked defiantly at Fluttershy.

"What's she saying?" Applejack demanded.

"Your new queen?" Fluttershy translated in confusion. "Beautiful siren? What are you talking about?"

Sweetie Belle blushed. Fear turning to bashful embarrassment.

"Well, at least they're back in the coop," Applejack said with a sigh. "I guess that means you three can go. How's twenty bits sound for your pay?"

Scootaloo and Applebloom started to stand to accept, but Sweetie Belle stopped them. "Fifty bits."

Applejack rolled her eyes. "No. Y'all ain't even been here that long."

"But I got your chickens back."

"You didn't do it on purpose."

Sweetie looked up at the chicken on her head. It had anger in its eyes. "Revolution…" she whispered.

"What?" Applejack said, tilting her head.

"REVOLUTIOOOOON!"

A deafening cacophony of caws erupted from every chicken in the room, as the battle began.

"Well, we got paid a hundred bits, and unionized the chickens," Scootaloo said as the Crusaders made their way to their next job. "Not bad for our first job."

Though they couldn't see it, a serpentine shape followed along behind them, staying hidden in the bushes.

"Next up is some chicken races," Applebloom read from their list of jobs for the day. "Apparently some rooster is getting uppity, and we need to calm him down."

"How uppity is he?" Sweetie asked.

"Apparently he scared everypony off, and mauls anypony who comes in."

"Sounds like a job for three brave crusaders in chicken hoods!" Scootaloo crowed.

They made their way to a small racetrack on the outskirts of Ponyville. A terrified receptionist hiding behind the counter just pointed into the racetrack, refusing to speak.

The entranceway was covered in claw marks. It was unnerving how silent the place was.

Something scurried across their path, too fast to see clearly.

Applebloom gulped. "Y'know, they said in the paperwork that even Fluttershy's stare couldn't settle this rooster down."

"Maybe my singing can," Sweetie replied, voice a little shaky. "Like it did with Applejack's chickens. Let me try…" She opened her mouth, and…

"AAAAAAGH!"

The ambush came out of nowhere, as a behemoth of a rooster, nearly as big as they were, jumped up to claw at Sweetie. Panicked, the crusaders ran out of the tunnel, into the light of the racetrack.

But now they were cornered, with a fence separating the track from the bleachers, and the other exits. It was built to keep chickens from escaping, and apparently that included substitute chickens.

They turned to face their attacker as he emerged from the shadowy tunnel. The rooster had clearly been in a lot of fights. He was covered in scars, including one across a milky, blinded eye.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle backed away, but Applebloom stepped forward. "Hey! What are you being' a bully for!? You're scaring everypony!"

The rooster let out a deafening caw. They all had to cover their ears at the sheer volume.

Applebloom growled. "Sounds like somepony just needs to teach you a lesson!"

Sweetie and Scootaloo watched in awe as Applebloom charged and tackled the rancorous rooster. The two combatants were quickly lost in a cloud of dust, claws, and hooves.

The two onlookers stood stock still for a moment. Then Scootaloo left for a moment, and returned with a bag of fresh popcorn, which she shared with Sweetie Belle.

When the dust finally cleared, Applebloom stood atop the rooster, which looked stunned at having been defeated. She was covered in scratches, and had a notable black eye, but she stood tall and proud. "Bet that'll teach ya to be such a jerk chicken!"

"Great job!" Scootaloo praised. "Although… it kinda makes me wonder why they needed substitute chickens for this. Couldn't they have just called animal control?"

From behind the fence, a stallion with a net shakily peeked out. He had a hat with the animal control logo on.

The rooster got up. The stallion ran away screaming.

Applebloom readied herself for another attack, but none came. Instead, the rooster bowed like a martial artist.

The CMC shared a look. "Looks like you… earned his respect?" Sweetie guessed.

The rooster turned to leave through the tunnel.

"Are we just gonna let a super aggeessive rooster out into town?" Scootaloo whispered.

"I mean… our job was to get him out of the racetrack," Applebloom said, looking at the list of jobs.

They looked at each other, shrugged in unison, and left.

"So y'all're tellin' me y'all can't lay eggs?"

This conversation with a confused egg farmer, whose chickens had joined what was becoming a massive protest movement of frustrated farm fowl, had been going on for well over an hour.

"We. Do. Not. Lay. Eggs." Sweetie Belle's words were accentuated by the soft, cathartic *thunk* of her head against a fence post with each word.

"But y'all's contract says you're substitute chickens."

"We can't do everything chickens do!" Applebloom said in exasperation.

Scootaloo, who had long since given up, flopped onto her back in the shade of some nearby trees. She had failed to beware of two things: she had chosen to rest in front of the Everfree Forest, and a dark shape was currently slithering towards her.

"Then I want my money back!" The stallion demanded, stomping his hoof.

"You haven't even paid us yet!" Sweetie snapped.

Behind them, Scootaloo yelped, and the bushes rustled.

"Don't show weakness, Scoota… loo?" Applebloom turned, finding Scootaloo gone. "Scootaloo?"

"Don't ignore me!" The stallion growled. "A hundred bits, now!"

"Do we have time for this?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"I don't think so," Applebloom said. "Go for it."

Sweetie Belle nodded, and took a deep breath. "REVOLUTION!"

"Wha—?" The stallion was taken aback by the response. Then he was taken abawk, as Sweetie Belle's mighty, feathered army came down like the fowl fist of justice.

Scootaloo couldn't really see in the dark of the Everfree. But she could feel the scales of her captor coiled around her, and she could hear the soft clucking from up ahead. She had no doubt that she had just been captured by a cockatrice.

She was set gently into a mound of dry grass and vines. It must have been some kind of nest. Oh no. Is this thing about to feed me to its chicks!? Use me to teach them how to turn things to stone!?

But there didn't seem to be any chicks or eggs present.

She looked up, noticing the creature looming over her. It had something in its beak. Oh. That's what's going on.

The chicken army thundered through the Everfree like their legendary dinosaur ancestors. Applebloom rode on the back of the rooster that she had fought. He had met them about halfway into the forest, covered in an unidentified red substance, and they were too scared to turn him away.

Cockatrice tracks weren't all that hard to follow, so thankfully it didn't take long to emerge into a large clearing.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle gasped at what they saw occurring.

The horrifying, chicken-headed serpent was curled around Scootaloo, who was stretched out on her back, munching on an apple. "Oh! Hey girls!"

"What the hay is going on?" Applebloom demanded.

"She thought I was a baby cockatrice, so she adopted me," Scootaloo explained. "She's been feeding me apples."

The cockatrice nuzzled Scootaloo on the cheek affectionately.

They had all been expecting an epic battle, so now none of them were sure what to do. "I mean… it really can't be worse than her actual parents," Sweetie Belle whispered to Applebloom.

"Well we still gotta get her home," Applebloom whispered back.

The rooster marched up to the cockatrice, and crowed.

The cockatrice tilted her head, and cawed.

The rooster cooed.

After a moment of looking Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom over, the cockatrice nodded, and slithered past them, down the trail from where the army came.

Everything was silent.

"Well that was anticlimactic," Applebloom said in disappointment.

"Yeah," Sweetie agreed. "It leaves a really fowl taste in my mouth." She paused. "It tastes like chicken."

There was another beat of silence.

Thunk.

"Ow!"