Tirek Season

by TheDriderPony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, Main 6, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 6525

A wrong turn at Albuquerque throws an unexpected wrench in Tirek's plans for total domination

Tirek is a juggernaut. A nonstop bullet train on the fast track to becoming the sole source of magic in Equestria (and it's de facto ruler).

But what happens when this unstoppable force meets an immovable will?

A will that's more than eager to resort to cheap tricks and humiliation tactics to balance the karmic scales?

At that point... it's open season.

Tirek Season.

An entry for the Who Crossed Over My Little Pony? contest.

Cover art by the impeccably talented Mutter_Butter.

Special thanks to mushroompone for prereading and feedback.

Published 2022-03-27 17:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-03-27 17:10:00 UTC

What an Ultra-Maroon

Trees trembled and the earth quaked as Tirek, the Mightiest Centaur and scourge of Equestria, drove himself forward with the magic of thousands of ponies pumping through his veins. Victory was close, so close he could almost taste it on his lips. He'd consumed the magic of the feeble citizens, laid waste to their worthless excuse for royal guards, captured their so-called heroes, and even the princesses were little more than pale husks huddled on the same plinth of rock he once called home. Now, with only one creature standing in his way, his mind focused on her with laser precision as he roared his challenge to the heavens.

"PRINCESS TWILIGHT! COME OUT AND FACE ME!"

She would come. He knew she would. Her philosophy of friendship made her easy to manipulate, just like it had with Discord. All he had to do was keep shouting until she showed up, then reveal his hostages. It was a plan so simple, it was foolproof.

It was around this time that, had Tirek been more aware of his surroundings, he might have noticed a furrow of disturbed dirt snaking its way between the hills of Whitetail Woods. He failed to notice as it sidestepped trees, made a hard turn around a boulder, or crossed underneath a bridge that spanned a creek.

In fact, the minor disturbance of dirt went completely under his notice until it was suddenly quite literally underfoot, and the weakened ground sent him tumbling tail over teakettle into a patch of thorny bushes.

It traveled for another twenty feet before coming to an abrupt stop in the middle of a clearing. After a moment of pregnant anticipation, a lanky rabbit-like figure burst from the soil.

"Here we are! New York Comic-Con at last! Where the fanboys flock and where I'll finally get the last autograph for my collection, or my name ain't Bugs Bunny! And I… I..." His joyous cries died on his tongue as he noticed the distinct lack of skyscrapers and cosplayers nearby.

He scratched his head between his ears. "Wait a minute. Unless dey gave the island back to the natives, dis don't look like Manhattan to me." He shrugged and plucked himself out of the hole he'd created. "Oh well. Musta overshot it a bit. Looks too clean to be Joirsey, though. I'd better find a local and ask for directions."

Off in the bushes, Tirek groaned and sat up, nursing a massive goose egg on his head where he'd struck a rock.

"Ah! Dere's one now!" Bugs Bunny sauntered over and tapped the still-dazed centaur on the shoulder. "Eh, pardon me, Mac, but can you tell me how far off I am from the I40?"

Tirek groaned and did his best to incinerate the insolent creature that had dared to trip him... but it was hard to focus with the stars and little birdies still circling his head, so the most he managed was a garbled growl.

"Huh. Maybe he don't speak English. Eh, parlez-vous Français?" Bugs tried, "Hablas Español? You-a speak-a dey Italiano?"

"Mfphl stah-spaanan..."

Bugs shrugged and turned away. "Nevermind. I'll figure it out myself." He pulled a map from his hole and sat down to try and plot where he'd gone off course. "I knew I shoulda taken dat left turn at Albuquerque."

A dark shadow suddenly fell over him, drowning out all light. He glanced up to see Tirek towering over him like a mountain. "Hey Doc, you mind? You're blocking my light."

He turned back to the map and opened a fold upward. As he traced along a road with his finger, the shadows began to fade in a warm orange glow.

"Much better. Thanks." The light grew more intense, brightening from a lantern to a fireplace. "Bit much now, you got a dimmer switch or something?"

A beam of violently glowing magic fired from between Tirek's horns, taking out the top half of the map and a few dozen feet of dirt and rocks beyond it.

"Whoa!" Bugs sprang to his feet, a hand waving the smoke off his singed eartips. "Watch where you're pointing that thing! You'll put somebody's eye out!"

"That's the idea," Tirek said grimly as he charged a second shot.

"Yipe!" Bugs took a running leap and swan dived back into the exit of his tunnel, scant seconds to spare before another blast grazed the surface and turned the grass to ash. He popped up a moment later in the middle of a scorched crater.

"Well now you're just being rude!" He launched himself up, grabbed hold of the centaur's horns, and tied them in a bow under his chin.

"Dere. Dat oughta teach ya to—"

Tirek slammed a massive boulder onto the rabbit, crushing his witty comeback into nothing.

After a few seconds of silence and stillness, Tirek nodded in satisfaction of the pest being squashed. "What a strange and annoying creature. A distraction?" he mused as he shook his head, returning his horns to their proper place. "Maybe that worm Discord had a few scraps of power left after all. What a pitiful attempt."

With the pest disposed of and no more witnesses left to his inglorious tumble, Tirek continued on his prior path, yelling out for Princess Twilight to come and face him.

In the clearing, the boulder wiggled once, twice, three times. A small path of churned dirt wormed out from one side before Bugs Bunny popped out, nursing a bandaged lump on his head.

"You realize, of course, this means war."

Trickles of sweat ran down Twilight's body as she tried to catch her breath, her burning lungs demanding more air than her mouth could take in at once. Even for a pony gradually adjusting to bi-weekly monster fights, a clash of titans across miles of countryside was more exertion than she was used to.

Every muscle ached and screamed for relief, and yet paradoxically her magic reserves were filled to bursting, eager to spill out and overclock every spell she cast. The crater she stood in was testament to her overwhelming power.

And yet... it wasn't enough.

Even with four alicorns' worth of magic crammed into her body, she could only fight Tirek to a standstill. She might know more spells and even have more magic, but in a protracted battle of attrition it was clear her physical stamina would run out long before his.

But even as her body struggled to recover, her conscience was forced to grapple with an impossible choice.

"So, what'll it be, princess?" Tirek managed to make the title sound like an insult. "Your friends, or all the alicorn magic in Equestria?" He gestured behind him to the wager of this sick game. Her best friends: weak, drained, and imprisoned in impenetrable magic bubbles. Though at least, not impenetrable to sound, it seemed.

"Don't do it!" Rainbow Dash yelled, her voice distorted by her cage. "We're not worth it!"

"Don't let 'im trick ya!"

"We'll... we'll figure something out. Or, you will. You always do."

"Just kick his flank and show that meanie pants who's boss!"

But she'd already tried that, at the cost of several mountains, countless acres of rolling hills, and her library.

Tirek's hoof pawed at the ground, digging a furrow deep enough to use as a grave. "My patience is growing thin, princess. Make your choice."

In the end, what choice even was there? Her answer had been decided from the moment he made his ultimatum. Everything else was just her fear and insecurity.

Twilight took a deep breath and tried to quell her hammering heart. "I choose... I choose..."

"Ehhh, pardon me…"

Twilight blinked in surprise as an unexpected voice interrupted her heartbreaking decision. She turned to the source to see...

"Is that a rabbit?" came Fluttershy's muffled voice.

"A rabbit in uniform?" Rarity amended.

It looked like someone had taken the idea of a rabbit, stretched it over the frame of a juvenile minotaur, then given it an outfit halfway between a police officer and a census taker. Twilight glanced at Discord, but he looked more surprised than anyone. Maybe even a little... awestruck?

He strode forward with casual ease, heedless of the tense atmosphere. "Sorry ta interrupt, but if anyone here’s the owner of a '77 Pontiac Firebird with ‘GET T-RKT’ plates, I just thought you should know your meter's about to expire."

Tirek paled in an instant. "No! My wheels!" he cried out in abject horror before rushing off the way the rabbit had come. "Wait! I have change! I have chaaaaange!"

As the sound of thundering hoofbeats faded into the distance, the rabbit smirked and dusted off his hands. "Dat takes care'a dat. Oughta keep the big gorilla busy for a few minutes anyway." He ripped off his uniform and threw it away into the bushes, but not before pulling a carrot from the pocket. He munched it idly as he meandered towards Twilight.

"Ehhh, what's up, Doc? You dat princess he was yelling about?"

"I...yes?" she replied uncertainly. "But who are you?"

The rabbit did a fancy bow and tipped a hat she could have sworn he'd just tossed away. "Bugs Bunny's the name," he announced cheerily. "And it looks ta me like you've got a bone ta pick with ol' tall, red, and angry too."

After such a grim day, she couldn't help but laugh. "That's putting it lightly. He's a monster who's stolen the magic from nearly everypony in Equestria, dethroned the princesses, kidnapped my friends, and blew up my library."

Bugs munched on a carrot. "Yeah, sounds like a real jerk." He took one last bite and tossed the leafy stem aside. "What say you an’ me team up to take him down a peg?"

Twilight's heart soared for the briefest of moments before reality sent it crashing back down to earth. Of course she wanted help. She was desperate for any sort of miracle to help tip the scales in her favor. But as much as she wanted it, it just wasn't fair.

"I... couldn't possibly ask for your help. Tirek's too dangerous. I can't detect any magic in you but that doesn't mean he can't hurt you physically." As thankful as she was for his offer, he’d surely only get hurt and be one more weight around her neck.

Contrary to her expectations, Bugs simply waved away her concerns as he pulled out another carrot. "Eh, I've faced worse. Dis Tirek guy's just the latest in a long line of Elmers, Crushers, and Ali Bahmas."

A guttural roar and the sound of something massive crashing through the trees and getting louder cut short his rebuttal. "Speaking of whom." The centaur was positively livid as he charged back into the crater, steam blasting from his nose like a freight train.

"I don't know what kind of trick you pulled, but you'll pay dearly for it. I don't even own a car!" His eyes narrowed and flashed with recognition as he focused on Bugs. "You!"

"Me!" Bugs countered, "We've got some unfinished business, you and I."

"Not for long." Orange light filled the clearing as Tirek began to gather a ball of destructive magic.

"Oh no you don't!" Bugs shouted as he bounded forward with a few loping strides and hurled himself into the air. His aim was high and true, and the apex of his flight took him just high enough that he could snag the magic ball right out from between Tirek's horns.

He landed flawlessly on the lip of the crater, the ball spinning idly on a single finger, perfectly balanced. “Ha! I still got it!” He smoothed out the wrinkles on a worn old uniform he now wore: orange-and-blue-trimmed white gym shorts with a jersey that read ‘Tune Squad 20th Reunion’ across the back.

He dribbled the ball a few times, testing the bounce of it and rolling it across his arms and back from one hand to another.

“Give that back!” Tirek snapped.

“Not happening, Doc. Hey Miss Charlie! Catch!”

Twilight tried to catch it—she really did—but in the few seconds it took for her to realize he was talking to her, the ball of doom was so close that all she could do was put up a shield.

It bounced off with a rubbery noise, arcing nearly straight up. Bugs made a valiant leap... but Tirek's height advantage let him grab it well before it neared the ground.

The centaur took a threatening step forwards. Another. A third—

*Fwee!*

A piercing whistle sounded out through the clearing, making all present flinch.

“Foul!” A tall and strangely familiar-looking rabbit dressed in referee’s stripes declared as he stepped out from the bushes. “Foul on Number 66, traveling. Visiting team gets a free throw.”

Tirek grumbled but dutifully passed the ball to the ref before retreating to his side of the court. The referee tossed it straight up in the air where it hung for a moment before falling straight back down in the hand of jersey-clad Bugs. He lined up his throw, aiming for the basket strung up between the centaur’s horns, reeled back… and threw.

His aim, unfortunately, was a little low, and the ball smacked Tirek squarely in the face.

And exploded.

“Oops,” Bugs said. “Missed.”

Tirek wiped sooty residue off his face to the sound of ponies snickering in their bubbles. He shot them a glare and silence was restored.

“Enough of these games! Let's see you pull these tricks of yours once I take your magic for myself!"

"My magic," Bugs deadpanned.

"Yes! Your magic, your mana, your prima vis, your kokoro-mai; whatever you call it, give it to me!"

Tirek unhinged his jaw and began to inhale. The air remained still, but the magic in it swirled and began to disappear down his gullet. At first his power found nothing to latch onto, but then—

"Alright, you asked for it."

—there was something dense and solid in the stream. He opened his eyes just in time for something white and creamy to hit him in the face and blind him once more.

"Oh, did you say my 'kokoro-mai'?" He heard the rabbit ask through the sound of raucous laughter from the prisoners, "I thought you said, my 'coconut pie'. My mistake."

He scowled the ponies into silence once more and tried to shake the sickly sweet goo off, but the cream was clingy and the flakes of shaved coconut caught in his fur like barbs.

Meanwhile, Bugs Bunny pulled Twilight towards the forest. "C'mon Charlie, let's scram before Kirby's angry grandad recovers."

"But my friends—"

"Ain't gonna get any more captured den dey already are. Don't worry, I got dis trick dat always works but I need a bit of help to pull it off."

A heartbeat more of deliberation passed, then Twilight followed, choosing to put her trust in this strange new friend.

Tirek's hooves ground rocks and branches to dust beneath him as he followed the faint trail left behind by his fleeing quarry. Each step channeling the rage that churned within him. Never in his life had he been so utterly humiliated and insulted! He wouldn't stand for it! The only solution was vengeance. He'd catch them and exact his revenge, finally crushing the last dregs of resistance at last. No trickster rabbit or juvenile pony princess would stand in his way. He would have victory! He would have dominion! He would have—

Tirek burst through the edge of the tree line into a clearing and stopped in his tracks. All traces of all anger fled from his body as he was confronted by a vision of loveliness

Before him was a lagoon of crystal clear water, fed by a waterfall off a nearby cliff and rimmed with cattails and bulrushes. On the bank, half-hidden in the reeds, was the most beautiful centaur maiden he'd ever seen.

She was petite, dainty even, like a doll compared to his muscled bulk, with delicate willowy limbs. Her coat was a glistening lilac that faded to sterling silver as it climbed her torso. She was crowned with a curling pair of slender silver-ivory rams horns that sat nestled among luscious golden locks. She wore a tribal-patterned bandeau across her chest, while her stomach and front legs were hidden by the tall grasses and a slip of a skirt.

It was like a scene brought to life from the book of fairy tales he'd been read from as a child.

He'd never seen a more beautiful sight.

He stood enraptured as she slowly turned and fluttered her long, feathery lashes, beckoning him with a coy little smile and giggle.

"Why, hello there, you tall drink of water. How do you do?" she drawled in an intoxicatingly exotic accent, "Ah wasn't expectin’ to meet such a fine and strapping young centaur in this neck of the woods. Would you care to... join me for a dip?"

Then her expression fell.

"Oh dearie me," she fretted, "but the lagoon's so small, and you're so big, I fear we may not both fit. Alas, if only you were a mite bit smaller."

Some voice of reason in the back of Tirek's mind tried to form an argument, but was quickly crushed. Too big? That was no issue. He had more magic than anything else in the world! He could spare a little.

He pulled at the magic within him, draining it out not as a spell, but as mana in its rawest form. His body shrank by a foot as it formed a ball of iridescent blue that glimmered in all colors of the rainbow. He lifted it from between his horns and offered it to the lady. "For you, my dear." No sense letting it go to waste.

"Oh, Ah couldn't possibly. My dietician said never to eat a ball of magic bigger than my head."

"I insist."

She swallowed and smiled nervously, obviously flustered by his generosity, before taking the ball in her hands.

"Ah, thank you. Well... bottoms up." She bit off three bites around the center, leaving the ball of magic cored like an apple before that too was tossed in her mouth. She swallowed and covered up a small lady-like burp. “Thank you, that was—” her jet eyes shot wide open “—oh! That has a real kick to it.”

He scooped up a cluster of wildflowers and twisted them between his fingers until they formed a bouquet. "For you," he said.

She took a deep sniff, dislodging a few petals that slowly drifted down towards her skirt.

"Atchoo!" came a sneeze from below her waist.

The sudden jerk of movement caught one of the skirt's ties on a reed and the whole garment ripped away, revealing a pair of rabbit legs and the blushing face of Twilight Sparkle.

"Sorry," she said. "Allergies."

Ecstasy drained from Tirek like he was infested with changelings. The emotional void just as quickly refilled with rage. The suddenly very rabbit-like face gave an awkward smile, as if asking him to overlook this little hiccup in their relationship.

Tirek shot out a hand to grab them.

Twilight yelped and vanished in a flash of teleportation, while Bugs jumped straight down into a hole in the ground leaving behind a cloud of rabbit-shaped dust still wearing his lipstick and wig.

Tirek roared to the heavens in rage... and in loss.

Meanwhile, back with the forgotten hostages...

"So you think there's like a whole country of rabbit-people out there we've just never met, or is this one of those last-of-his-kind sort of deals like Ahuizotl?"

"This again?" Applejack groaned.

"What? We gotta talk about something. I'm just saying I might wanna find out if he's got some lady rabbit back home or if… y'know."

"Really, Rainbow Dash?" Rarity sat up as much as the sloping floor of her prison would allow. "Of all possible times for you to take an interest in romance, it had to be now? During a magical apocalypse?"

"What's the big deal? The guy's pretty fast and knows his way around a prank. I could do worse." She shrugged and laid back in her bubble. “Besides, Twilight's got this. I'm sure she'll be back any minute now to break us out."

As if summoned, Twilight popped into being with a flash of magic. "There you are! Let's hurry and get you all out of there while he's distracted."

"What'd I tell ya?" Dash smirked. "Wait, where's that Bugs guy?"

*Ding!*

Her question answered itself as a door-shaped section of nearby boulder split down the middle and parted, the rabbit in question rising into view inside a service elevator. He stepped out and the rock returned to normal.

"Dat oughta keep him all mixed up for a bit, but we ain't got long."

Twilight nodded, her face set in grim determination. "Right. It'll take me a couple of minutes to pick apart his spellwork, so everypony keep a lookout for him returning."

Following a chorus of affirmative noises, Twilight turned her focus to the bubbles as her horn's corona began to slowly cycle through a myriad of colors.

"So..." Dash said in the intervening silence, "You come here often?"

Rarity smacked her hoof into her face.

What followed were the most unbearable five minutes of Rarity's life. Between Rainbow Dash's painful attempts at flirting and her unwavering confidence in her success at such, it was nearly enough to give the self-proclaimed romance expert an aneurysm from sheer fremdschämen. She was only saved from such a fate by either Bug's obliviousness to Dash's overt overtures, or polite indifference to it.

Finally, sweet mercy came to the cringing fashionista in the form of Twilight's frustrated shout.

"It's no use!" Her corona winked out, leaving nothing but a thin line of smoke and a scowl to mark her efforts. "Tirek keyed it to his magic alone and not even four alicorns' worth of power is enough to brute force it. There's nothing I can do." Suddenly her eyes lit up and she turned to Bugs. "But maybe you can."

"Me?" he asked. "I got a lot of tricks, but real magic ain't one a’dem."

"But you do have real magic," she insisted. "Tirek's magic. I just watched him give it to you when you were seducing him."

"When he was what now?" Rarity asked, suddenly invested. She was ignored.

"Even if I got it, I don't know how ta use it."

"Just do whatever comes naturally."

"Huh. Worth a shot." He rolled up the fur on his arms like sleeves and made a magical gesture at the prisoners. "Abracadabra!"

Nothing happened.

"Hocus Pocus!"

No dice.

He snapped his fingers. "I got it. Magic needs a wand. Lemme borrow your a second."

"Borrow what—" was all Twilight managed before he plucked the horn from her head as easily as if it were a party hat. He stretched it to twice its natural length and brandished it at the bubbles. "Open sesame!"

The bubbles popped, letting everyone within drop to the ground. Twilight was at their side in an instant, checking for injuries.

But victory was short-lived as Tirek announced his returning presence with a roar.

"Go get dem somewhere safer!" Bugs said, gesturing Twilight away. "I'll keep him busy here."

The freed prisoners stumbled off into the forest with what little energy they had, shepherded by the pegasus Twilight.

Tirek landed in the crater with a mammoth thud, fire in his eyes and a destructive spell flickering in his horns. "My patience is at its end. I'm going to utterly destroy you and take back the magic you stole from me!"

"Well gee, doc. If that's all you wanted you shoulda just said so." Bugs donned a black robe, a pair of round glasses, and a red-and-gold-striped scarf. "Have some magic then. Wingardium Leviosa."

"What is-argh!" Tirek's hooves slipped out from under him as he began to float into the air. "Stop this!" he demanded as he flailed, but it only served to send him spinning. "Stop moving so I can destroy you!"

Bugs ignored the threats as he contemplated his new wand. "So that works. What about... Bibbity Bobbity Boo!"

A stream of silver glitter flew out from his wand like a cloud of butterflies, swarming over the hovering centaur. The moment he was totally covered, they burst apart into a shower of iridescent wisps, fading to nothing as they hit the ground. What they left behind was a glimmering silver ball gown, exquisitely made and resplendent with silks and crinoline, perfectly fitted for an irate centaur the size of a house.

"You dare make a mockery of me?!" he sputtered through glossy lips.

"I dare say you make it awful easy." Bugs considered for a moment. "But you know, maybe you're right. Dat look just ain't you. With the tantrums you're throwing, it's far too mature. How about... Fa La Day La Dong Ding!"

This time his wand fired a rainbow beam of musical notes that encircled Tirek's arms, legs, and horns in dancing rings of light. As the notes twinkled and sang, they transformed the gala-worthy ball gown into something more befitting a filly's dress-up chest, with poofy sleeves and striped tights and glittery petal-like skirts.

"When I'm through with you, there won't even be dust left. I will not stand for this kind of humiliation."

"Then why doncha have a seat. Corpulence Maxima!"

Tirek slammed into the ground as his weight suddenly overpowered the levitation spell. All across his body his muscles sagged and drooped into heavy rolls of flab. The stitches of his dress strained and popped as the flesh within ballooned out to immobilizing chubbiness.

Bugs twirled his wand between his fingers as the centaur heaved and wheezed. "Say, this magic stuff is pretty fun. I could get used to th-grrk!"

A meaty fist struck like a snake and grabbed him in his moment of distraction. Unable to move, speak, or breathe, Bugs could only watch as Tirek pulled him close to see his reflection in the centaur's silver nose ring. His jowls and dress melted away as the spells lost their grip on him, revealing pure fury beneath.

"You like games, little rabbit?" Tirek breathed, his voice low and full of menace.

Bugs had no air to make a quip about offering a breath mint.

"Well here's a new game for you. I’m going to take back what’s mine, then you're going to run, and I'm going to hunt you down like the animal you are. Then we'll see how funny you are when your head's mounted above my throne."

He opened his mouth and began to pull. Orange magic flowed out of Bugs, combining with a torrent of purple from his borrowed 'wand'. It gathered together into a pulsating orb the size of an apple cart that hovered just above the centaur's other hand. "You have until I finish consuming this to start running." He reeled his arm back. "In fact, I'll even give you a head start!"

With a mighty fling, he sent Bugs Bunny hurtling through the sky and towards the horizon.

Alone again, Tirek pulled the stolen magic into himself and began to grow once more.

Twilight and her friends stopped to catch their breath in the shaded protection of a rocky gorge. Being drained of magic made running feel twice as tiring as it should have, and even the fittest of their group were flagging.

Without warning, a falling meteor struck the rock above them, sending the whole group into a startled panic. After a few moments, a familiar figure woozily extracted himself from a perfectly rabbit-shaped hole.

"Ugh. Where’s the leak, ma’am?"

"Bugs!" Twilight cried as she recognized him. She helped him down from his hole as he shook away the stars circling his head. "Are you okay?"

"And what about Tirek? Applejack asked, "Did you stop him?"

Bugs grimaced. "Yeah… we may have a problem dere, Horseton."

A roar in the distance drew their attention. Despite being miles away, they could still see Tirek growing. Fifty, a hundred, two hundred feet tall.

"Persistent, ain't he?" Bugs commented as he pulled out a carrot and started painting it purple.

Twilight's legs gave out beneath her and she collapsed to the ground. "It's no use. He has all the magic in Equestria now. There's nothing more we can do to stop him."

"What about the Elements of Harmony?" Pinkie suggested, "Maybe if I can find a pick-axe, I can dig them out of the tree?"

Bugs finished applying the last coat of paint and stuck his completed art project on Twilight's forehead where her horn should have been. "The Elements of Harmony? What are those?"

"They are, or rather, were," Rarity corrected herself, "a set of artifacts that let us channel our friendship into magical power."

Dash nodded. "Yeah, they used to be our go-to way to knock baddies around, but then they got eaten by a tree."

Bugs scratched his chin and adopted a thoughtful expression. "Huh. And dese 'Elements'... dey come in a set, one for each of you?"

"That's right."

"Color-coordinated? Comes with a big glowy lightshow?"

"Exactly!"

"Den I think I got an idea that might help." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a slim black rectangle. He tapped it a few times then put it up to his ear. After a moment, he spoke.

"Hey Wiley, I need the login for your ACME Prime account.”
...
“Cause I'm in a hurry and I need the expedited shipping.”
...
“Yes, I'll pay you back. Who do you think I am, Daffy?”
...
“Gotcha. Thanks. I owe ya one."

He spent another minute tapping away at the device before slipping it back away. Almost before it was in his pocket, a sleek quadcopter zoomed into sight from over the tree line before coming to a hover in front of Bugs and offering a small clipboard.

[Package for {WILE E. COYOTE}. Sign to confirm delivery]

Bugs scribbled something with the provided pen and the quadcopter deposited a chest-sized box into his waiting arms.

[Thank you for your continued patronage]

With that, it sped off into the distance.

Rainbow Dash was first to sum up her friends’ collective reaction.

"What."

In lieu of explanation, Bugs started working on getting the package open, a task easier said than done. The box was in rough shape, held together mostly with a mile of tape and a plethora of colorful stickers declaring the contents as "Overstock", "Not for Individual Resale", and "90% Off Bulk Discount". The most prominent and numerous of them was a sticker proclaiming "ACME Original Product", but its claim was somewhat undercut by a poorly scribbled out label printed on the box itself which read "Toei Animation Studios".

“Dere we go,” he said as he wrestled off the last resisting bit of tape. “Dese oughta do the trick.” He lifted the lid and a golden light poured out.

Once their eyes adjusted properly, the ponies peered inside to gasps of shock and surprise. The box was filled with all kinds of accessories and equipment. Bracelets, rings, tiaras and crowns. Staffs and wands and swords and canes. Compacts and pendants and instruments and decorative eggs. All of it in bright colors and generously decorated with gems and ribbons and hearts.

And every item was bursting with as much magical power as any Element of Harmony.

“Take your pick,” Bugs said, “dese things are a dime a dozen when you know where to shop.”

It didn’t take much more encouragement for all six ponies to pounce on the box of prizes, each of them digging through till they found one they liked. Rarity was the first to decide hers; a pendant set with a large cut ruby and dripping with gold filigree. Fluttershy opted for a nearly plain silver flute entwined in a pink silk ribbon. Rainbow Dash dug down to the bottom and found the, as she put it, ‘least prissy’ of the lot: a wide blue and black belt with a fancy mechanism for a buckle. Pinkie grabbed a giant mallet covered in flowing yellow patterns that seemed to shift every time they looked away. Applejack chose a set of gold and emerald bracers that morphed into a pair of revolvers with a flick of her hoof. And Twilight, after looking through every item in the box, eventually settled on an ornate staff topped by a crystal with a remarkable resemblance to her own Element of Magic.

“So how do these work?” Dash asked as she poked the myriad buttons on her fancy new belt.

“Don’t look at me, I’ve never used ‘em,” Bugs admitted with a shrug. “How’d your old ones work?”

”Weeeeeell,” Pinkie began, “Usually we’d just focus on feelings of friendship and the bonds between us and— whoa! I guess that still works!”

All six ponies rose into the air as their chosen artifacts started glowing. Magical potential built in the air like a pressure wave until it reached some critical threshold and the lightshow to end all lightshows began. Radiant beams in every color of the rainbow filled the space from a half dozen miniature stars, jostling for space with bolts of lightning, spinning musical notation, bursts of rose petals, ribbons of pure energy, and rising orchestral swells.

After a minute passed unlike any before in Equestria, six ponies descended to the ground, far greater than they were before.

“Whoa,” Dash’s voice came muffled from the inside of her helmet. “What a rush!”

“These come with outfits?!” Rarity cried out as she nearly fell over trying to get a good look at her ornate dress in its full glory. “Full outfits? Why did our Elements only ever come with accessories?!”

“Whatever the reason, I think this might be exactly what we needed!” Twilight turned in the air, rune-scribed mage armor fizzling with raw power. “Thank you Bugs— Bugs?”

“Sorry, I know this was kinda supposed to be your thing, but it looks like I was touching one of ‘em without knowing it.” He flipped his now eight-foot long ears over his shoulder and adjusted his bow. “The sailor look’s a little retro, but I think I can pull it off. Still fits the rabbit theme, anyway.” A roar in the distance reminded them of their mission. “Think we oughta take care of things first?”

With a nod, the seven of them rose into the sky, their various magics harmonizing with shared intent into an aura that surrounded them all like a blazing sun of magic. It didn’t take long for their foe to take notice.

Tirek fired a beam of draining magic, but it flickered and failed against them. “How is this possible?” he demanded, “You have no magic!”

“You’re wrong, Tirek.” Twilight rose to the front of the group as she spoke, the light intensifying as it concentrated through her. “You may have stolen our magic, but we carry within us the most powerful magic of all!

Six beams of light arced away from their nexus and slammed into the centaur like mortar shells as he screamed in rage.

“The Power of Friendship!”

“And free shipping!” added Bugs as a seventh, carrot-orange beam joined the others.

Tirek screamed once more as the stolen magic was forcibly torn from his body, shrinking him back down to his wizened and crippled form. The sheer intent to restore and imprison ripped a portal in space straight to Tartarus and send him sailing back into his cage before sealing shut once more.

The stolen magic burst out across the land, like a rainboom a hundred times over. The group of heroes split to help guide it back to the ponies from whence it’d been taken. The Royal Guard of Canterlot rose to their hooves and gave a shaky salute to Twilight and Rarity. The downed pegasi of Cloudsdale took flight once more as their magic surged back to full force on the wings of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Great whoops of joy resounded throughout Appaloosa as Pinkie and Applejack restored cutie marks to the citizens. Even the ponies of Albuckuerque clapped in confused thanks as an unfamiliar rabbit-like figure surfed in on a wave of their returning magic.

Deep in the heart of the Everfree, an ancient magical construct ran through ten thousand contingency plans before eventually deciding “Eh, close enough.” The discarded stalk of a carrot shimmered in rainbow light before transforming into a key and inserting itself into a crystal box. The box shook and shimmered before launching into the sky on a one-way trip to the edge of Ponyville.

Magic had returned. The land of Equestria was safe once more.

Some time later—never mind how long precisely, for there was no way to measure such things in Tartarus—Tirek sat in the corner of his cage and sulked. He’d long since burned out his rage in impotent fury against the bars and floor of his cell. All that remained was despair.

His ears perked up at an odd sound, like a drill digging through rock. He looked up just in time to see a hole in the wall that hadn’t been there before quickly fill itself back up with dirt and stone. Next to it, however, just within reach, was a wrapped present.

Seeing how there was no way to actually make Tartarus worse, Tirek stretched a scrawny arm through the bars and pulled the box back into his cell. It was simple; white with a red ribbon and a card.

He checked the card first. It read:

Dear Tirek.
Just so you know there’s no hard feelings.
XOXO
-Bugs Bunny, esquire

He growled, but pulled the bow apart anyway and opened the box.

It looked like a pillow, but too big for a pony and too small for him, and oddly L-shaped besides. Then he saw the picture on it. There was no mistaking that svelte figure. Those silver horns. The delicate, dainty frame. Those come-hither eyes.

He knew, he knew it was just the rabbit and the pony, and yet part of him couldn’t help but see the maiden. He flipped it over to hide from her gaze, saw the other side, then quickly flipped it back with a crimson blush.

He shuddered. What a cruel present, to make him war with his own mind. There was only one way to sum up his feelings.

“I despise—”

“Trigger word ‘pie’ detected,” said an artificial voice from the supposedly empty box. “Dispensing pie.”

*SPLATT!*

Coconut custard dripping down his face, Tirek felt his rage surge again. “I hate that rabbit.”

Author's Note

"Jones felt that Michael Jordan’s presence in the film completely unnecessary and he honestly couldn’t understand how anyone could stretch the plot into a full 90 minute long movie when it was obvious (to him anyways) that Bugs Bunny could have single-handedly outsmarted the aliens and saved the world in 7 minutes flat."

-Factfiend, 2018, paraphrasing Chuck Jones' response to a question about his thoughts on Space Jam