Many Words That Drown My Head
To whoever is reading this, I hope you give my journal a good rating as I'm very new to this whole writing shin-dig.
I've never touched more than I had to, ~~made college a living hell with the number of formatted essays my English teachers wanted.~~
Uh I'm getting off track, Twilight recommended I make a book out of the experiences I've been through, being an alien and all. Celestia was even a fan of it, as especially was Luna although I still have my gripes of my therapist being also an immortal goddess ~~and a crush of mine~~.
Ahem anyway, as such I've decided to start small and make a journal as Luna requested, obviously Twilight asked more for the idea of another book to put her muzzle in, albeit cute, Luna protested saying something along the lines of 'taking small steps in the new world'. Whilst Twilight still wanted to say making a book would be great for others, ~~mainly her~~, Celestia actually backed up her sister.
Truth be told, I felt nothing about it all but Luna insisted this would help for, yuck, 'my feelings.'
With much back and forth she finally got it through me, ~~by cheating with her adorable charm~~. So sorry if the scribbling out is often, I'm again, very new to this whole writing thing. I'm a bit, well more than a bit, self-conscious of how I go along with this. I mean I could be horrible at this and as soon as the princesses look at it all I could be told off, the whole bunches of pages being ripped with a distaste for my wording and horrible storytelling! ... Okay maybe I'm over exaggerating but it is a valid fear! ...I may have also lied-
I'm looking at this journal and at first, I wanted to indulge with a bit of lying and sprinkling, not to a horrible extent of course, more like, not making me seem like a complete dork? Let me explain, I wasn't lying about the whole fear of making a book and the failures I may put out, nor was I lying about the events that led to this predicament.
What I have been lying about is this whole written thing, I mean I'm bad at writing yes, no way around it sadly, but I haven't spoken why I say this. I'm a bit of a nerd, I like reading, absolutely adore its world crafting and its expressiveness, I just- when I try to write I feel as though well, I'm not worthy of it? I have spoken a bit of it with Luna, which makes seeing her harder to find not adorable, she's quite the mare, honorable, well-spoken, kind, and generous. When I speak with her outside of it all my heart just flies-... Erm getting off-topic again! Hah... Erm- yes well, partly the reason she wanted me to write this journal was to play along the lines of writing, I'm sure she knows I like to do this, talk about myself I mean.
...Wasn't very funny was it? Ugh, if you couldn't tell I'm completely flopping on this storytelling part that is kind of important, I'll just make this quick. She knows about my hobbies and interests and on more than one occasion has joined and helped me expand more. Bless her heart, she tries so hard for me and I'm just expelling my feelings and become a complete mess to her- no, she told me to stop talking like that. Anyway she wants me to write about myself, use this as a diary and format for the book, and that's where I come in to talk about myself...yaaaaaaay...
I'll start from the beginning, I'm Astral, a thing called a human from an alternate universe that we call the Milky Way, I'm the only of my kind to be here, as of what we know... I mean in my world all these creatures are myths, unicorns, pegasi, all that jazz. So the question is out whether I was the first. But enough about other people, you're here for me! ~~*jazz hands*~~... Okay, that was dumb to add, going to strike that out- so I've been plopped into this world after what I was told about was, a squirmish of evildoers.
How did I react to the whole, new world? I thought I finally croaked, I mean sure I was 23 but never too young to find out you've gone crazy right? I've been more of a smooth going though, and just went along with whatever happens, it was and still is exhausting walking on this thin line of living. Sorry, you're not here to listen to me go on about my existential nightmare of a life, anyway! Somewhere on the tight rope I walked, I found it easier to just busy myself with tasks as I've been here, Ponyville, I mean. Help here and there with small tasks that ponies needed, at first it was mentioned to make the ponies and me more comfortable in the cohabitation. The princesses made it clear it was more optional but a nice way of introducing myself in the small quaint town.
I guess that was the start of something, more buried, I, of course, was a little apprehensive of the idea but soon it grew on me and it worked like a dream. I learned to gain a few friends along the way of building my reputation, help derpy, the loveable mess she was and still is, with delivery. I helped a bit with some handiwork with Doctor Hooves, got to help Lyra with a research paper about my kind, this is where I talk about the previously dropped subject. Apparently, humans were something of a myth, a big fanatic of folklore she was, Lyra, I mean. I kept messing around and helping where I could, not all great like that time I tried my hand at cooking with Pinkie... That ended with a few sick ponies, but I'd like to think I've done a lot more good than bad... ~~Or maybe I've messed up more than I did?~~
No, none of that, anyway as I've been saying, I've been being acquainted with the residents of the lovely town. Learning of friendship and all, so it's been rather nice all in all, no trouble in paradise!
...
Perhaps I should stop lying as much as I do... I- am sorry for putting such a facade. I would love to say my life is like a dream, having adorable ponies care for a wounded heart such as mine is a blessing. And the living arrangements? Absolutely nothing like any other, being held in a crystal Castle as Twilight soon builds herself to be a single ruler is something of a spectacle. Partly the reason I feel to keep these feelings lying down is to tell myself I need to help Twilight and- no, no, no. I'm sorry, I keep putting excuses and lies to keep myself from just letting me breathe.
Hah... I'm something of a broken record, aren't I? I'm a mess truth be told, these things, these odd jobs I've been doing- they have been something of an escape for me. I'm trying, I really am, to face the reality I live in, the small fine moments that place a smile upon my face, the grace of living creatures around me but-.
It just feels wrong for me, everything from the way I act to the very presence of my sins among them-, they are precious creatures and living embodiments, pillars, of harmony. Actual peace among the creatures that grace upon the land, and yet here I am poisoning them all. I'm laying bare of my faults and problems onto a retired princess, making a mess of the Castle lent to me by Twilight, mucking around as if I know what to do.
I feel like a parasite, I don't have a real job, I don't have real hobbies or some kind of real need to be here. It's as if I was just here for the reason of just being here. And in the end, I don't contribute to anything aside from my simple pleasures and wants of value. I have spoken to Luna a bit of this and she told me it would take time to find that value, but I just don't think that's true, but who am I to question an immortal goddess right?
...Hah, I've been stopping recently, in writing and life, these odd jobs I do, they were meant to stop my mind from meticulously analyzing everything, but now? ... It feels as though my mind keeps going even with the distractions, Lyra and Derpy have noticed but I gave them a half-assed excuse, although it didn't stop the worrying, and questioning expressions. It did give me time to recollect my thoughts. At the end of the day, I found my muscles sore and the weight of my body slouch underneath all the stress, that's the funny thing about thinking of it all. I never gave much mind to the workings of my body, the heft, the blood, and the pumping to work my body. Go make me live for it all, and yet the body does so unconsciously, no commands from me to keep going, just built inside its genetics and commands from other cells. Imagine a world where you were telling your body to keep going? How far would you live till you just say, stop, and it all collapses and dies on you? Perhaps I'm getting a little too close to death nowadays with thoughts but- I can't help but think.
Where do I stop? What's at the end of it all? Heartache, sins, sadness, and death, follow you through in through. These past few weeks I've been realizing that I've been more than anything, waiting to die. The thought is obviously unhealthy but, I'm not really appalled from it, the very end of it all. Maybe I've been burying it all from the start, but when I poisoned those ponies- I felt the voice in my head speak. How I hurt them, how I pained them just being inadequate, how I let the failure of my knowledge, my being, hurt them.
It's hard to see someone you hurt in pain, the dryness of the throat, the plummeting of your heart, and the shiver of your back, knowing you caused it. Yes, I realize I'm being overdramatic and maybe I'm just some grown teenager that never stopped letting his emotions overcome him but- I hate it all. I hate myself for failing to protect them, the fact I'm here having to write this in order to deal with some childhood trauma is ridiculous. I should be able to just get it over with! I don't want to keep hurting people for my own inadequacies!
...Maybe I've said too much...Or maybe I've said too litte, I'm trying to deal with it all in truth, as dire as I make it sound I at least am getting help, even though I may have been forced into it by the same friend who's watching over my progress-.
I find it somewhat beautiful in taste, if by some miracle I do have this journal published, which might I add seems a bit much like Twilight's book-...hm, I suspect Luna may have stolen the idea from her now-, regardless if by some miracle this does become public. I'd like to address the elephant in the room.
Luna, while I may have been rash and in hysteria at first, I want to thank you deeply, the literature, the late-night talks, and the deep understanding and speaking of the stories I've shared with you. It fills me with deep care and astoundment that you've kept your patience with me.
I- well it's safe to say I'm not okay, but it's helping, my friends, my sessions, the princesses checking on me- it's lovely, and I'm glad I am here for it all.
Thank you to anyone reading this, if by any means this journal is out there then perhaps, I have shown an openness to it all. And I am smiling just thinking about it all.
...
Perhaps the journal idea wasn't a bad idea, after all, I've spent so much time writing after only having it for a few days. Maybe I should put more trust in Luna's judgment more...
Author's Note
"Death burns away around me, as it encloses onto me, I feel the breath of love grace my lips as I feel the burns enwrap me..." - me because fuck off I can be poetic!
A little stress relive for me, I've felt a bit, sick of my feelings to say. I mean physically, I've been broken a bit for a while and emotionally exhausted. I'm picking up my pieces, however! So there is good news and I do not intend to take long with future updates.
Could you find a way to forgive me for my prolonged absence of mind?
I am trying to keep up to date with things and I've been hardly the best with my mental health. I'm afraid I feel like my skin is turning pale and my insides become inverted. All metaphorical, I am fully healthy physically of course!
So sorry to keep it all so dramatic, I'm just in no mood to not joke, as I've been in the dumps... Have a great day/or night!
