A Noire Way of Thinking

by black night sun

Rating: mature
Tags: Tragedy, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthro, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sex, Science Fiction
Length: 12097

The Journey of the Two of different worlds, sent to a third... with some changes, of course. = )

WARNING.
Story may contain some characterizations and other general things some may find unfavorable. If you do not wish for your religious views to be offended in any way at all, then DO NOT READ. If you don't care, then please enjoy the likely not the best characterization of those within.

If you decide to read despite the warning, you waive your rights to complain. Constructive Criticism is allowed, but if you just yell and scream then your comment will be removed. If your comment starts a argument, it will be removed. So please refrain from wasting everyone's time time.

The Journey of Two people who, after sacrificing themselves for their respective Earths, were displaced and somehow managed to land in the same Equestria.

Published 2022-03-10 22:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-07 21:47:47 UTC

Chapter 1, The Ending to Beginning...

Author's Note

I'm going to repeat this for those that didn't listen. This is your second and Last Warning. If you do not wish to be religiously offended, DO NOT READ

Otherwise, have a nice day and hope you enjoy the story!

Chapter 1, The Ending to Beginning...

"Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

A single line, echoed. Whether be by some act of providence or as spiteful rebuff, a single human, haggard and bloodied breathed what could be their last. Right eye swollen shut, tattered garb stained with coppered blood, spine dragged along jagged concrete by a creature of unfathomable description.

The eight foot, six hundred pound and leathery behemoth growled in rage, slamming a clawed foot down upon the human's leg before dragging him anew.

Through grit teeth and a bloodied smile did the human find strength enough to whisper: "I forgive you…"

Not wishing to waste more time upon what they believed to be a nuisance to their ill spent time, the demon beast tossed the ragdolled human to a pair of salamander like beings, the two quickly hoisting the human onto a pillar and tying him up.

Whatever archaic language they spoke, it sounded as if thousands of nails screeched upon abrasive stone… yet where one of these beasts sounded boastful almost to the point of schadenfreude, the other was remorseful in a way.

The boastful of the two cackled before leaving, flinching as the human shouted, "Remember, God loves you!" Spitting as they left, all that remained was the remorseful of the two, quickly fiddling with a golden and black medallion etched with a five pointed star.

"I didn't think demons could feel remorse," The human managed to say as the demon chuckled sadly before speaking once more… oddly enough having said something along the lines of "yaeshua" before removing the medallion from their neck and adorning the human with it, "This is going to hurt, isn't it?" The human asked as the demon nodded slowly, eyes closing halfway before leaving.

Once they were a distance away, the human was finally able to see just where these demons had taken them. To their left was a dilapidated building that may or may not have been a museum once, to their right a ruined street way littered with debris and shattered husks of business offices… and below them… a lake of blackened tar.

Slowly, a crowd of demons began to gather at the edge of the dark waters, cackling and jeering at the prospect of their display as the first fires were lit. The black sea lit ablaze as if coaxed to life by hellfire, the flames rapidly spreading to the human in the center of this lakebed as they shouted in absolute defiance, "Remember my brothers and sisters, God. Is. GREAT!!"

"Oh this is pain, this is a deep pain," As the flames burned higher and hotter, the metal round their neck hummed and glowed, "Oh cool, it gets WORSE!!" Yet… somehow they managed to catch the angered screech of one of the beasts.

"You STUPID boy! Do you realize what you've done!? You've created a Martyr!!"

And soon… all was black… until… light.

The human, their every ache and pain gone as they feel a weightlessness to themselves, "Well, at least I'll be able to see my friends and family again," As they said this to themselves, the medallion that had somehow stayed with them began to glow again

"I am sorry, human," A scratchy, unearthly voice said weakly, "For what we have done to ye, for what we have done to thy kinsmen… for this we can not be forgiven. I only hope that this small gift shall lead you to a life greater than this…"

"Can you tell my mom I kept my word? Before you send me off to wherever I'm going?" The human asked… yet the medallion had ceased it's glow before breaking… and causing the human to swiftly plummet back down. Angling himself down as to face the planet, the human slowly outstretched their right fist forward, somehow channeling his faith into his fist as the world went black.

-Meanwhile-

In another world… in another time, in some vast expanse of star filled realities a goat-like traveler did soar. Through countless aeons and times long lost, the child-like entity flew as if guided by mindless force until…

"Heh, looks like it's the end of the line for me…" The goat child heard, immediately finding a window to a ruined reality, spying a young man on his last leg and holding a green, pineapple shaped object etched with a cross, "You want me… COME GET ME ASS-WIPES!"

STOP

With that, the image stopped

EXPAND

The small window overtook the expanse of stars, the goat child observing the cockily smiling young man as he threw the object to the floor as brilliant light began to expunge itself from within it.

Surrounding the human had been a ring of insectoids, leathery beasts, and salamanders, to the human's right had been a ruined building of steel and glass.

The goat child smiled.

YOU

Time resumed once more, the human gone as holy fire rocked the landscape.

White. A soft, blanketing white… followed by a freezing cold.

"Cold!!" A small child shouted, "Wait… why does my voice sound like a mixture of Chara and Betty?" The feminine child asked no one as they dug themselves out of a thick blanket of snow that still managed to reach up to their waist. Before they could question more, their mind began to flood with a plethora of visions and memories foreign to them… yet somehow quite familiar. Blinking away the intrusive thoughts, the child looked down to find themselves wearing a green sweater with a single horizontal yellow stripe. Below that had been a set of a pink skirt seemingly cut off at their knees by force, purple leggings, and knee high dark brown boots. Another mental wave struck her as they saw an image of a cute faced girl, two rings within her eyes surrounding the pupils. The inner ring is a bright shade of pink and the outer a bright shade of red with blackened veins. Her hair was a moppish yet long flowing brown ending in pink and red highlights that covered her left eye.

She did not yet know it, but there was a menacing hatred within this seemingly adorable child, "Oh shit, I'm Chara Noir now… I'm definitely not getting into heaven."

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this, another did stir. Shaking themselves out of their daze, the now girlish child turned their attention to a mound of shaking snow. Before long, a pair of short horns popped out of the snow… followed by a mass of white fur and a chubby goat-like face, muzzle and all.

"Shit that's Asriel," Chara muttered absentmindedly.

"That is the last time I take a grenade from some homeless guy!" 'Asriel' shouted as he struggled to free himself from the cold confines of the snow.

"Okay, not Asriel," Chara commented to herself, "Probably someone like me… lucky bastard got innocent floof while I got murder children."

Grunting, Asriel looked at the child in confusion, "What the hell are you on about?"

"Feel the top of your head," Chara replied as Asriel did just that. With a high pitched goat bleat, Asriel immediately fell back into the snow, Chara breaking out into raucous laughter, "That's funnier in person!"

"Oh this is funny to you!?" Asriel shouted as they clawed themselves out of the snow once more. They had been wearing a similar sweater to Chara and a pair of black slacks.

"I was tortured to near death, burned to death, denied heaven, and on my way back I decided to nuke that side of the continent with faith," Chara proclaimed, "So yes, I do think this is funny."

Asriel blinked a little at this, "Wait… that huge blast at the tar pits… that was you!?" The goat child questioned.

"Yeah, Satan's probably spitting in fury right now, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall right now," Chara replied with great amusement.

-Somewhere, in Nev- I mean Hell-

"That heaven's damned cheap son of a-" Fury. Fire. All those demons within close radius of the fallen angel of Rage fell to the sheer force of unchained destruction before said angel was backhanded into the ground by an even angrier and practically blazing fallen angel of Light.

"Well I'm so glad we are all so ROYALLY NETTLED!" The fallen archangel raged as he stomped on what was once heaven's appointed challenger, "One meaningless… brain dead… insignificant MONKEY dared challenge us!? Challenge ME!? WHO ALLOWED THIS!?"

Swiftly, two rotund demon beasts in metal armor approached the king of hell as they dragged with them a beaten and battered angel, unceremoniously dropping him at Lucifer's feet, "I suppose you think I have something to do with this…" The angel spat, Lucifer only jeering at him.

"Metatron, how is God's scribe these days? Hmm?" He asked with mock curiosity before planting his heel on the floored angel's cheek, "Ah, yes. Now I remember… I had you put in charge of my… what do the monkey's call it?"

"An itinerary?" Metatron asked before having his jaw dislocated.

"Ah yes, the itinerary for that petting zoo…" Lucifer drawled, "Remind me of the day's event, hmm?"

"You mean when you decided to make an example of that human to the other humans you seem to swear up and down you hold no fear to-" Once more Metatron had his somehow mystically repaired jaw broken once more, "Proving my point…"

"Who were the demons in charge of our spectacle?" Lucifer asked as Metatron sighed.

"Dead, literally melted…" The chained angel replied, "Much like you'll b-" It did not matter how many times Metatron would so miraculously heal himself, the king of hell found great pleasure in silencing him.

"That human's soul. Where. Is. It!?" Lucifer questioned as he was now face to face with the once scribe of God.

"The soul no longer exists in our reality," Metatron replied with a smile, "A reward for services rendered against you I would fa-" Metatron's skull found itself caved in as Lucifer calmly began to think.

"No… Father would not allow a soul who had done so much to be thrown to hell yet be denied heaven…" With a hum and a subtle shake of his foot as if to clean himself of his fellow angel's gray matter before pointing at Satan, the fallen angel having raised themself from the ground again, "You, go find everything that soul loved in this world. I know how much you enjoy studying these brainless chimps."

The rage filled angel only grunted before his body compressed into that of a frail man hidden by a blackened cloak and leaving.

-We now return to our heroes-

"So… demons," Asriel asked as he trudged through the snow, "What's up with that?"

"Well, it was the end of the world until I happened," Chara replied with a bit of pride, "Put a stopper on that with my last move."

"You… do know the rest of the world was still a shit show, right?" Asriel questioned, "Yeah sure, you killed a lot of demons… but there were still more out there."

"Well yeah, but I also made a demon free zone they can't enter from," Chara explained, "And if they can't enter, they can't take over."

Shrugging, Asriel looked along the horizon for any sign of life, "Fair, fair… hey, you maybe know where we are? Last thing I remember was blowing myself up."

"Please tell me you said God is great before you did so," Chara practically pleaded.

"Nah, kinda thought the joke would be a little tasteless considering the circumstances," Asriel replied before perking up, "Hey, I think I see a castle."

Chara stopped as realization dawned on her, "Ohh… I know where we are…"

"So how fucked are we?" Asriel asked as he set his sights upon the castle.

"Not nearly as much as you think…" Chara said as she looked at the black crystal castle as she watched a line of anthro ponies chained in a line below it.

A glint caught the eye of the two of them. In the snow nearby were two golden lockets, shining faintly with red light. Chara went over and picked them up, confusion on her face. There was a feeling on the lockets, she could just barely not put her mind to where she had felt it before. Whatever or whoever the feeling was, they felt… close. Safe. Like a best friend lost to the annals of time.

"What's with the pendants?" Asriel asked curiously, though, a glint in his emerald eyes seemed to paint a different tale.

Chara took no time to place a locket over her head, the gold, heart shaped box now nestled upon her chest as if… there was a feeling of correctness about it. To her, it was as if someone just at the edge of her memories had given her a gift. A memento of times forgotten.

To the goat however, it was as if some unknown force pulled him forth, grasping his arm with a mixture of gentle force, "Uh… there's two of those things, right?"

"Yeah? Mine's right here," Chara replied as she poked her locket.

"Can I uh… have the other one?" Asriel asked as if pained to even ask. Much to his surprise however, the pink shaded girl tossed the secondary pendant which he managed to catch with some difficulty.

Meanwhile, a red and pink spherical… existence appeared from seemingly nowhere, it's most defining (read: only) features being a set of thin oblong shaped eyes and two rows of what seemed to be an endless ocean if over three hundred and eighty six teeth. How a tiny floating blob no wider and larger than one foot five inches managed to hide such a frighteningly impressive set of teeth had been a mystery to him.

Chara gasped excitedly at the creature, "My own Akumu!? Nice~" The 'Akumu' in question quickly began to rub itself against the girl's face, a goofy grin on its face as it purred.

"Okay… murder orb," Asriel commented as he fiddled with his locket, seemingly uncaring as the Akumu growled.

"Down, Akumu~ He's useful for now," Chara chastised with a motherly tone.

Asriel only rolled his eyes as he managed to open the pendant just as a grand howl would echo upon the wind, a dark and foreboding smog emanating from within the castle just out of reach.

"Oh sure… that's not ominous…" Asriel murmured as he gave the insides of the locket a quick look before quickly closing it shut with a single snap, almost as if fighting against emotions long since tucked away.

Unfortunately, the shadows exhumed from the castle began to grow, not in part because if any increase in mass… but because it was getting closer.

Though the pair could not quite discern just what the cloud of darkness was, it did not stop whatever was inside of it to look upon them. It was as if the moving inkblot exhumed a dark hunger, practically licking its lips if it had any to view.

Chara gulped as she took three steps back, "Well, this is bad," She murmured as her hair began to flare, slowly turning pink.

"Oh gee, you think?" Asriel replied with some level of snark, though quite obvious he was just as afraid of the situation.

The mound of writhing shadows landed, a dark and sinister chuckle echoing from the fluctuating mass of darkness as a shining, silver knight's boot gently stepped upon the snow as if but a feather. Another step came with it another mass of shaped metal, attached to these armored shins had been an equine humanoid in skin tight black pants, armored gauntlets, a billowing crimson cape… yet no chest armor or helmet as if to showcase a more than impressive pitch black fur covered and chiseled torso and villainous visage.

"So an anthro universe!" Chara exclaimed.

Chuckling once more, the semi armored equine looked at the pair with some level of glee before said glee was tempered upon looking down at Asriel, "Ah, some interesting guests," The equine commented, seemingly mulling over something Chara had said before disregarding it, "However, it is rather quite a shame to see that one of you is… male."

The cold shock Asriel felt when the equine said 'male' was not something he had ever expected to feel, beads of cold sweat slowly forming as they trailed along his brow.

"Come child," The equine gestured to Chara with his left hand as a mass of shadows formed into a massive sword within his right, "There is no need for you to witness this… culling," His voice carried with it promises of cruelty laced with a threat of corrupt pleasures.

"He sounds like fucking Darkseid," Chara whispered before turning to Asriel, "Asriel, I'm going to distract him while you get the fuck out of here and get help."

"Don't have to tell me twice," Asriel replied as he prepared for a sprint.

Chara once more turned her attention to the equine, summoning a solid pink scythe with a jagged red blade… the weapon itself quickly causing the semi amiable being of darkness to scowl in unfettered rage, "You would use such a traitorous arm against me!?" He shouted as his shadows flared.

"It's the weapon of the bete noire," Chara replied with wavering courage teetering on absolute fear, her hair now very nearly pink and practically glowing.

The equine paused before blinking… eyes squinting at his target's glowing hair as well as her current emotional state, "The 'black beast', you say?" The equine asked as he held his four foot long three foot wide solid mass of shadow in both hands, "Is that what you are?"

"Only half…" Chara replied as Asriel used his fur coat to his advantage to sneak away, "The other half is human, My mother was the first black beast named Betty Noire. My father was Chara Dreemurr, also known as the 'Demon Who Comes When You Call His Name'…"

The equine cackled loudly before jettisoning forward, the swing of his blade having been barely blocked as she was pushed backwards, "Well then, child of Beast and Man!" The equine declared with outstretched arms, "You have the honor this day of being beaten, utterly destroyed and remade into the greatest of honors… as my concubine~" Chara looked at him in horror as she took a step back a pit forming in her stomach and her hand clutching her scythe before him as if trying to keep him away.

With a flick of his wrist, the dark equine rose up from the snow no more than fifty black crystal formations shaped like swords, the glowing three foot long and one foot wide blades circling around him as he smiled wickedly. With a villainous roar, the blades all pointed at Chara before jettisoning forward.

Hair now completely pink and shining, Chara declared: "ZA WARUDO!" In the blink of an eye, all fifty blades now had a pink glow to them as they circled around her.

Scowling, Sombra eyed the child critically, magic enhanced vision shifting from what were his blades to the child's glowing hair. Nodding once with, to him, was a rather surprising amount of admiration. Chuckling, Sombra snapped his fingers and… snapped them again. Blinking, he lost his smile as his blades remained on Chara's side, "I see… so! Would this be the power of the Beast, or the 'Man'?" He asked with some growing annoyance.

"Oh, this is the power from my mother's side," Chara replied easily, "You don't want to know what I got from Daddy Dearest~"

Scoffing, Sombra smiled once more as a hundred more blades rise from the ground, his horn now aglow with shadowed energy. Rushing forth, the ocean of blades split in four even groups of twenty five, fifty attacking from her left and right, twenty five flying past her and another fifty attacking her straight on as shadows enveloped his fists. Practically outnumbered, Chara did her best to meet the blades head on but found trouble managing so much as twenty of her fifty available swords while Sombra had no trouble at all, seamlessly controlling the sharpened blades to fly past her or impale her.

"Novice!" Sombra declared as he closed the distance between them, taking a sword and using it to sever the child's right arm from her shoulder, "You are centuries too early to wage war, let alone spar against me!" Though his declarations were harsh and pointed, he did flinch thinking he may have gone too far with removing her arm from her body… until a primal instinct flared within him, his eyes immediately focusing on a black, bubbling ooze sputtering from her opened wound.

Those droplets that touched the snow hissed and melted away the snow as if it were an acid as her arm began to reform slowly. The growing out in his stomach made itself more noticeable as that primal emotion bubbled within him evermore, as if being influenced by this black tar… this more than familiar feeling…

It was Hate.

Fall of the Crystal empire and rise of Liyue

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Returned memories and A brave New soul.

Chara walked into her new throne room. When she got there, she saw something laying on the throne. It was a Tiara styled crown, made of some purple material. It was decorated with a purple heart-shaped crystal in the front, with red, green, and yellow on the left and Blue, teal, orange on the right side.

Suspicious, Chara glared at the tiara. Chara snapped her fingers, and a guard came into the room. “Guard? Touch that tiara for me.” She ordered. The guard nodded, marching over and tapping the tiara with a finger.

After a suspenseful few seconds of a whopping nothing happening, Chara hummed. “Okay. You may leave.” Chara said, the guard nodding and leaving.

Picking up the tiara, Chara sat in her throne. Looking at it, Chara smiled. “This chair is really comfy.” She commented, putting the Tiara on.

And she was flooded with m e m o r i e s . . .

One week had since passed since the fateful day of Sombra's death. The newly christened kingdom of Liyue having experienced a prosperity and industrial revolution never before seen upon the planet both child and goat found themselves on… and yet…

Not an hour prior to the current day and the child had found themselves curled upon their throne, a single thought, or lack thereof, haunting them in ways they could never fathom as hard as they try.

"I can't remember…" She whispered as she desperately clutched her head, "Why can't I remember the name of my best friend?"

She had very little time to strain her memory, much to her own misfortune, two guards having burst into the throne room, "My queen!" A soldier declared, "Princesses Celestia and Luna of Equestria have arrived."

"Shall we escort them inside?" The second soldier asked.

"Y-yeah, yeah," Chara replied, "Just bring them on in."

The soldiers nodded, slow to leave yet quick to return, the princesses of the sun and moon as well as the Elements of Harmony along with them.

"Presenting Equestria's envoys!" The first soldier declared, "Princess Celestia Solaris, Princess Luna Celinas and the Knights of Harmony!"

"Knights…" Applejack spoke up, "Ya know, that's got a mighty fine ring to it~"

"Knight?" Rarity asked before the shock reached her, "KNIGHTS!? BUT! BUT THAT'S-"

"More than you could ever ask for?" Rainbow asked as she hooked an arm around Rarity's neck, "Yeah, I get it's not your foalhood dream, but you gotta admit that it's still big on the ladder."

"This deserves a PARTY!" Pinkie Pie declared as she started to throw fistfuls of confetti around the room.

Twilight audibly coughed at this as she stood next to Celestia and Luna, "Girls, remember what we're here for."

"So what are you doing in Liyue?" Chara asked, elbow on the arm of her chair and chin on her palm, "Here to make a contract? You'll find I've made a few more laws in homage to Rex Lapis."

Celestia blinked at this, something within her informing her that this name carried with it a divinity not of this world… but now somehow connected to it, though barely at that… but how.

"Liyue…" Celestia whispered, rolling the name along her tongue as the night princess and the Elements stared at her, "You… brought upon the domain of an outer god to Equis," Outwardly, Celestia looked calm and collected, but within? Within her mind and heart warred against her reason, raging at her conscious mind to nip this problem where it threatened to bloom.

"Yup, I brought the god of contracts in on this," Chara replied happily, "He's the strongest of the archons and he's my personal hero~"

"How quaint…" Celestia murmured with a smile.

Luna, Princess of the Moon, looked at her sister and nudged her side, "Ahem, dearest sister? Should we not begin discussions of… that?"

"That?" Twilight asked as she looked at Luna, "I thought-"

"Excellent idea, Lulu," Celestia replied, cutting Twilight off, "Chara, was it?" She asked with as sweet of a tone as she could muster.

"Yup, Chara Noir," The girl replied before raising a finger, "Actually, it's Queen Chara Noir, Princess Celestia."

The solar diarch nodded at this, "Ah, yes… that is actually what we are here to discuss."

The girls behind the princesses looked at each other with confusion, "Um, Princess?" Fluttershy spoke up, "I thought we-"

"Miss Chara Noir," Celestia continued, "I'm afraid-"

"Yes, Miss Celestia?" Chara cut in, a smirk working its way on her face, Kumu sitting upon her lap as Chara pets them.

Celestia could feel a vein in her brain snap as she sighed, "As it currently stands…" She looked at Luna, the two nodding in conjunction as they threw their hands back, the Elements of Harmony shooting off from their place with their respective bearers and into their magical grasp.

"Princess!?" Twilight shouted as she and her friends were put in floating magic bubbles just as her own Element was taken from her.

"We can not allow a being so fueled by darkness to preside over these lands!" Luna declared, "Even if they are naught but a child."

"Well Luna, they let you stay on the throne after trying to kill everyone with eternal night," Chara retorted, "Now, activate the Soul Shields. Kindness first, followed by the rest."

"We shall not abide such a jab standing still!" Luna shouted.

"Now sister!" Celestia declared as the magic of the Elements began to activate.

"And while that's happening," Chara spoke up, not at all worried, "Let me give you a little tidbit about human souls. There are seven natural types, I personally use Determination. Got it from Daddy Dearest, you'll be facing the other six types which are as follows."

As the magic reached a fever pitch, a swirling corkscrew of magic slammed the barrier… to no avail.

"First is Kindness, that's the green one," Chara explained, "It mostly revolves around healing and shields. The second is Patience, it revolves around time and when mixed with a certain other, teleportation."

"They can even create soul strings, able to grab most anything, even the ethereal. Very useful against souls. Next is Bravery, the orange one. Good for delayed attacks," Said the child as several round, orange bombs lined themselves around the sisters as their eyes went wide. "It can also redirect attacks, send a spell powered by bravery and you can change its trajectory mid-flight.” Chara stated, one hand lazily in a snapping position, ready to unleash the bombs.

Fourth is Integrity, good for bladed weapons and what’s now making you kneel. For the weapons, it can make them either to make them longer or sharper-" Several dark blue spinning disks appeared around the necks of the now gravity encumbered princesses.

"Oh and that. Fifth is Justice. It may just send beams of energy at people, but it has a great passive. It literally turns the evil within someone into literal poison. This ability is called karmic retribution," Two, ethereal, yellow colored revolvers now pointed at the two princesses, light building at the ends of their barrels.

"And sixth is Perseverance, it can copy any spell or magic sent my way perfectly and can pierce through any and all resistance," A counterclockwise burst of energy gathered at the impact point of the princesses spell, taking on a dark purple sheen.

"Finally, my power, the Red Soul trait, is Determination. It allows me to weave fate to my every whims, so even if you did kill me…"

Every Soul spell went off, a controlled burst engulfing the two in a rainbow light, "I could just will myself back into existence."

The bubbles holding the Element Bearers fell, many falling forward as they had continuously struck against their prison. Twilight was the first to truly react, blowing away the smoke from the intense discharge of reality shattering magic and revealing the nigh dead sisters. The others however rushed to the throne, putting themselves in between the fallen diarchs and Chara… though their backs were turned to Chara.

"T-Twilight?" Celestia spoke up, her hand reaching out to the terrified bookworm… only for her to back away.

"You don't have to do that," Chara spoke up, "They tried killing me, I reacted with equal force~ Six artifacts of immense power against six artifacts of immense power… I think mine won~"

"Ain't no pony blamin' ya, yer highness," Applejack spoke up.

"As… shaken and confused as I am, I reluctantly agree," Rarity added.

"I've read up on Wonderbolt rules of engagement, and this is not in line with that!" Rainbow declared.

"I came here for a party," Pinkie murmured, the color having drained from her hair, "This is not a party…"

Fluttershy, though usually meek and silent, glared daggers at her so called rulers, "You… attacked a foal… a defenseless little animal…"

"Defenseless!?" Twilight shouted in confusion, "Did you not see what that throne did to the princesses!?" Said princesses had incredibly severe wounds, Celestia having lost her right wing, Luna missing the entirety of her horn and both sporting third degree burns.

Chara only waved this off, "Hey hey, this isn't a problem for any of you, Knights of Harmony, but…" She then glared at Celestia and Luna, "These pieces of trash? Get them out of here."

"Yes, My Queen!" The soldiers who stood on the sidelines declared as they picked up the fallen princesses.

"Make sure they don't die though!" Chara shouted, "Can't have a fucking world war start just because these two incompetents died."

Suddenly, all the magically inclined felt a sense of wrongness. Pitch black pools formed in the ground underneath the two princesses, and green tipped black tendrils erupted from them. They pierced the two near-dead princesses, crying out in pain as it filled them. “Void energy…” Chara said, backing up a bit in her throne, going a bit pale at the sight.

With a final burst of green, the tendrils seemed to be forcibly retracted back into the pools. The pools only lasted a moment longer before being sucked into non-existence. The green writhed over the forms, and the ponies watched in awe as Luna regrew her horn and Celestia her wing with booths burns being healed. Every second as the green slowly did its work was filled with the agonized cries of the solar and lunar monarchs, as if every nerve was making them pay for daring to be injured at all.

The excruciatingly painful ordeal was actually enough to knock out the pair of royalty, the soldiers looking at the other before shrugging, lifting them up and taking them away. The Elements found no calm in the moment however as they walked towards their respective trinket… the gems having lost their luster.

"This… this doesn't make sense…" Twilight whispered as she fell on her knees, her horn glowing as her frantically moving eyes shined with the same arcane force, "But why would… and at the cost of the Elements… There's a reason somewhere… There needs to be a reason somewhere…"

"Don't think of it as Celestia," Chara spoke up as the girls looked at her, "But as a crazed tyrant coveting the powers of another country."

Twilight's Magic had stopped, the spell having taken an obvious toll if her bloodshot and crying eyes were any indicator, "I can't accept that!" The lavender unicorn cried out, "Celestia wouldn't just-"

"Egghead!" Rainbow shouted as she put her hands on Twilight's shoulders, "You saw it! We saw it! What were we here for!?"

Twilight had started to hyperventilate, "We… were here to…

"To 'Free' the Crystal empire?" Chara asked with a roll of her eyes, already knowing Celestia would try to dethrone her for being 'Dark'.

"No!" Twilight shouted, her breathing having calmed as she covered her eyes… only to open them again as she felt fairly powerful healing magic wash over her. She blinked a few times in surprise, looking at the child before her.

"I'm 'Dark' but I'm not evil. You definitely overused whatever spell you were using so I healed you as a show of good faith." Chara said with a shrug of her shoulders getting back on her throne, it was a comfy throne after all.

Twilight murmured a weak 'thank you' before taking a few breaths, "No, we… we were to discuss trade negotiations and maybe host modern day cultural events so as to ease the Crystal Ponies into our current time… but-"

"But then Celestia threw all that away like a big meanie pants," Pinkie said bitterly, Fluttershy right behind her as she rubbed the pink pony's shoulders. Chara stayed quiet as she listened to the ponies that she actually liked still.

"What are we going to do now?" Rarity asked, "What if…" She then audibly gasped, "What if we're forced into war!? That! Would be the worst. Possible! THING!!" She then fainted dramatically as her magic summoned a couch underneath her.

"Well the thing is unless you have Gaster, Sans, Omega flowey or Mama and Papa, you're going to be on the losing side." Chara said with a shrug of her shoulders as she knew anybody else from the glitch tell universe would be Cannon folder.

"We don't know those names, yer highness," Applejack offered, "Heck, Ah don't actually think they're in Equestria."

"That's not important right now," Twilight spoke up, "As we stand, the Elements have lost power, whatever trade accords we could have reached have now been thoroughly stamped out… and I have a lot to think about…"

"I'll be willing to trade with your kingdom on one of two conditions being met. One, Celestia and Luna step down from the throne or they come kneeling to me in public and saying they're sorry while using my titles." Chara said with a smirk, let it not be said that Chara was not vindictive.

The other Element Bearers, minus Rarity as she was still unconscious, looked to Twilight, the unicorn not doing so well with being put on the spot, "I… please don't look at me like that… I don't control them. They're our princesses! I… If I can't trust them…" Twilight started to tear up before rushing out, Fluttershy about to rush off to her only to be held back by Rainbow Dash.

"It's the wedding all over again, huh?" Rainbow asked.

Chara mentally asked herself, 'Why do I feel like I kicked a puppy?'

"Well, mighty sorry fer uh… intrudin' on yer kingdom, yer highness," Applejack offered, "If it's any consolation, Ah would not mind tradin' a few barrels a apples witcha."

"None of that formal shit," Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack balked at this, the pegasus trying to hide her giggling, "I don't really care for that I only use it to deal with pompous assholes, and I wouldn't mind trading with you besides you guys are always welcome back. Bring your family if you want, hopefully I'll be able to create the altered reality domes by the time you get here." Chara said with a pleasant smile as she really hated the fact she was a ruler now.

"Y'all should really watch that tongue a yours, missy," Applejack chastised. Chara gave her an amused look.

"Yeah, you might offend her poor sensitive ears," Rainbow snickered… only to yelp in pain as Applejack dragged her out by the ear, "Ow ow ow! Hey!"

"We should have a party some time," Pinkie said softly before following along… but not before picking Rarity up, vanity and all.

Fluttershy looked first at her leaving friends before looking at Chara, the small girl saying, "You're the kind of person I'd want as a friend," This shocked her and made her forget the casual curse word, "I've never really had a friend before…" Smiling sadly, Fluttershy walked up to her and smoothed her hand along her head.

"I'm sorry to hear that," The buttery pegasus murmured, "I… would like to be your friend too," With a short ruffle of her hair, Fluttershy quickly ran off to follow her fellow Element Bearers.

The soldiers who happened to be close by actually heard some of this exchange and looked at each other, realizing slowly that the whole of the kingdom placed a child on the throne. A surprisingly kind, intelligent and mature child who only held the interests of the kingdom at heart… but a child nonetheless.

-Celestia-

Rumbling. It was soft, rather bumpy… the sounds of sliding metal interspersed itself with thoughts- memories… Memories. Celestia stirred, her head bumping against a cushioned seat as her eyes snapped open, her magic flaring until she realized where she was. Her surroundings included a rather lavish room in what she could only assume was the Friendship Express, her nation's only train.

Burgundy walls stamped with silver Fleur emblems, the signature of one of house Platinum's many families. The seats were well cushioned and snoring in front of her was her sister, garbed in somewhat armored regalia.

"What… happened?" She asked herself softly as she shook her head, memories or thoughts of an event that had transpired. An asinine turn of events really, one would call them a day time fever dream, "I must be imagining things… Lulu? Lulu, wake up," She urged as she shook her sister awake, the lunar princess immediately reacting the same way she did until she settled.

"S-sister? What hath transpired?" She asked, wincing as she gingerly rubbed her horn, wincing again.

Pain. Physical. Pain. Celestia blinked as she left her sister to her own devices as a part of her attempted to flex her wings. One first, the left… nothing was wrong. The second, the right one… wince. Pain.

Physical pain.

"L-Lulu… something is wrong," Celestia whispered with quiet fear, "Terribly wrong…"

"Where for art the Elements?" Luna asked, "Magic, was't she not with us from when'st we began our sojourn?"

Twilight! 'Of course!' Celestia thought as she opened the cabin door with her magic, immediately wincing as she got to her feet. That heavy feeling returned with a vengeance as she immediately ran for the cabin she knew the Elements to be in… only for it to be empty.

She had failed. Her plans, her machinations… failures each and every one. It was going to be a long ride home.

The subtle sound of ceramics echoed in the fairly roomy rest area within the Crystal castle. Rarity and her vanity chair had been deposited off to the side of the blue walled and amethyst floored room, the girls sitting in a ring around a crystal coffee table.

"So?" Applejack spoke up first, silently thanking Spike, the group's green and purple baby dragon as he handed her a tea cup.

"I just don't like how you five keep betraying me is all," Twilight said calmly, already having been served her tea.

"And I liked it better when I didn't have to serve a drama queen throwing a hissy fit," Asriel snarked, Rainbow and Pinkie spitting into their cups.

"Dude?" Spike questioned with a harsh stare, Asriel only rolled his eyes.

"No no, Spike, he's entitled to his opinions," Twilight offered, "Even if they're factually wrong."

"Twilight, the princesses lied to us," Fluttershy said just as calmly.

"No they didn't!" Twilight quickly shouted before clearing her throat and recomposing herself, "They just… omitted the truth."

"Oh so they pulled the wool over your eyes," Asriel cut in.

"Why are you even here!?" Both Spike and Twilight shouted.

"Better question, why are you defending her?" Asriel asked of the dragon.

"She's my mom-"

"He's my assistant-"

Asriel looked first at the dragon and then at Twilight before looking at Spike again, "You have no problem with her not sharing your sentiment?"

"Hey! I'm important enough to Twilight, that's more than enough~" Spike said proudly as he raised his nose into the air.

Asriel blinked before sighing heavily, "Okay… fine. Be a little slave child. You, Purple Smart," The goat questioned, not at all paying attention to the girls, two of which held serious expressions while the other two tried to hold in their laughter.

"My name is Twilight," Said 'Purple Smart' replied, Rainbow and Pinkie finally losing out to their schadenfreude.

"Purple Smart," Asriel repeated, "Tell me why again you feel like you can justify attacking a small child."

"She has dark magic! Celestia even said so!" Twilight shouted.

Asriel nodded, arms crossed, "Okay… who here remembers what went down in the throne room?"

"Ooh! Me! Me me, pick me!" Pinkie cheered as she waved her open hand in the air.

"Souls traits, Sugarbomb! What are they!?" Asriel questioned as he pointed at Pinkie.

"Oh, oh oh, I know this one! Trick question!" Pinkie said with unbound excitement as she bounced on her chair.

"Patience," Fluttershy spoke up, giving Pinkie an apologetic look, the party pony deflating a little as the pegasus huffed and returned to her seriousness, "Perseverance, Integrity, Justice, Determination, Bravery…" She put much emphasis on justice before mellowing out and smiling, "And Kindness."

"I think I hear some bias there," Asriel said with a teasing, but still serious tone.

"Those are just abstract concepts!" Twilight shouted, "Any villain with half a brain could rattle off a list of pleasant and hopeful words!"

"So why aren't you dead?" Asriel asked coldly, Twilight immediately shocked still as she focused on his eyes, "Go on. Answer the question, Purple Smart," Twilight wanted to blink, to look away… but it was like she was transfixed. He slowly began to march forward, seemingly growing in size as black markings began to appear on his body, "You know damn well that pint sized, naive child could end you with nothing but the press of a button… yet here you are. You are alive while your leaders were put on the first train back to their home. So tell me how you don't exist anymore, I'll wait."

Twilight started to shiver, the cold of the Northlands seemingly having rolled in… that was until Pinkie's audible gasp snapped her out of it.

"Oh my gosh, you hit puberty!!" Pinkie declared, the other girls now looking at the five foot nine inch tall goat man towering over Twilight.

"S-see!" Twilight shouted as she pointed at Asriel, "He just used dark magic and threatened my life!"

Asriel sighed, "Okay, this is new and I get tensions are high… but no one's threatened your life."

"The boy's right, Twi," Applejack spoke up, "Ain't gotta lie about something like that."

"Oh like you can talk!" Twilight shouted, standing up and pushing Asriel out of the way, "Can you even tell lies apart anymore!? How's the Element of Honesty these days!?"

"Yo, low blow egg head!" Rainbow shouted.

"And apologize to Asriel," Fluttershy added sternly, "Or is it okay when you put your hands on a critter, pony or otherwise?"

Twilight blinked at this before taking a critical look at Asriel before her eyes widened, her magic washing over the now shuffling goat. When her magic did whatever it was it was doing she smiled smugly, "Hah! Apologize to this amalgamation of dark magic!? The fact he even threatened me should be enough to send him to Tartarus, or worse-"

"Twilight don't y'all finish that sentiment," Applejack growled.

Twilight scoffed, "What? Is it so wrong that as a dark mage he'll end up the deepest pits of-"

"Then what about princess Luna?" Fluttershy asked coldly.

"What about our Princess? She's a pony," Twilight replied easily enough. This had been the proverbial straw as one of the Elements that the girls had taken care of and placed on a small chair had cracked, "What was that?" The cold seemed to return as Spike hastily went to the Elements, holding the tiara that held Magic gingerly.

"Twilight?" The dragon whispered softly as he presented the jewel, "Is… is it supposed to look like this?"

The cold surrounding Twilight was not enough to stop her from stumbling before the dragon, her hands reaching out to the tarnished and cracked gold tiara as it rusted immediately. Taking hold of the tiara, it had become naught but dust as the cracked gem fragmented and fell into her hands.

"No… why?" Twilight asked as tears began to form along her eyes, "This doesn't make sense."

"Twilight," Rainbow spoke up, "Did… did you forget?" Twilight looked at her swiftly, confusion wracking her mind, "Weren't you the one that showed us not to look at others like… like how you're treating goat boy and half pint?'

Twilight shook her head, "But… but they have dark magic-"

"And what if it was Zecora?" Fluttershy asked.

"Zecora has nothing to do with this conversation!" Twilight shouted, "She's just a harmless Zebra without any magic!"

"Hold, who's Zecora?" Asriel asked.

"She brews potions and such fer us time ta time," Applejack offered.

"So a witch?" The goat asked as he started to pant.

"She does not have magic!" Twilight shouted, "You do! Look! It's hurting you! That doesn't happen unless you're a practitioner of dark arts!"

"There is a lot wrong with everything you're saying and it's getting on my nerves," Asriel said, his chest slowly heaving, "And I honestly don't think you should be allowed to stay in the kingdom."

Soon Chara, Cadence and Shining Armor walked into the room.

"So you're saying Friendship isn't magic?" Cadence asked. The princess of love was a pink tinged alicorn standing at six foot one inch with long and curled at the bottom pink, cream, and violet mane wearing what was no doubt bedroom attire consisting of a white and gold bustier with a blue heart stamped in the middle of her cleavage, garters, thin and small white panties and white boots with gold trim, "Or are you saying other species aren't capable of that?"

"I always knew I should have played more Ogres and Oubliettes with you," Shining Armor added, the pony in very much the same situation. All the five foot eleven, white unicorn pony with fairly long and pointy navy blue and electric blue streaked mane was wearing; was an amethyst colored and gold lined metal form fitting breastplate and a metal armored thong, "I just wish I had known not doing so would make me this disappointed…"

Bedlam broke out as the girls who weren't Twilight and Rarity cried bloody murder as they covered their eyes. Though… Spike however…

"Wait… does this mean I can't be friends with anypony?" The dragon asked, heart obviously torn about everything that happened so far.

"You can be friends with me?" Chara said walking over to Spike and trying to ignore what Shining Armor and Cadence were wearing, Chara's face was beat red from the way she found Shining Armor and Cadence.

"You stay away from my dragon!" Twilight growled out as her horn flared with whatever magic she had left.

"Spoken like a true slave owner… I wonder if you are any different from Sombra?" Chara said, Kumu already coming out of her chest.

"Stop talking about my mom like that!" Spike shouted, though it was apparent his heart wasn't completely in it.

"Kid, she just called you her assistant," Asriel spoke up.

"And?" Shining asked with a bit of worry.

"And what? You heard her," Asriel replied, "He's her dragon."

"Has she ever let him go to school? Or even be a kid? Or is he just a live in unpaid servant? Because where I'm from that's called a slave." Chara said glaring at Twilight with hate so pliable you could see the veins in her eyes pulsating. "He was literally stolen as an egg, hatched and as soon as he could he was made to work…"

"Twilight… is that how Spike was raised?" Rainbow asked.

"No! Of course not!" Twilight argued, "I did everything I could to learn about dragons! I gave him gems regularly, I gave him autonomy, I showed him how to look after himself and taught him everything I was being taught!"

"But did you ever love him?" Fluttershy asked, Spike flinching at this as his own tears began to form.

"Of course she does! She does… right Twi?" Spike asked as he looked at the broken pony, "T-twi?"

Twilight shook as she steadied her breath, "I… do love you Spike. You're… you're my son."

It was Cadence's turn to sigh before a heart broken visage covered her face, "Twilight… that's so very untrue it hurts."

"Wh-what?" Twilight whimpered.

"I can read hearts, Twilight," Cadence replied, "I don't just weave emotions, I can feel them. And it makes me sick knowing how much pain Spike is feeling and how hollow your heart is right now." Chara walked up to Spike and gave him a hug, she may be the spawn of two beings of ultimate evil but she did have a heart and she could not stand seeing Spike in so much pain.

Spike, out of the corner of his eyes, noticed something. A set of softly glowing pink fingerless gloves, the glow orange, and an orange bandana. Reaching over, Spike put them on… and was filled with Bravery.

First days in Liyue

"Spike, wait!" Twilight shouted as the dragon she spent so many years with walked away from her and back to the castle, "Please, lets just talk this over!"

The dragon did stop, his form shuddered before he let go a harrowing sigh, "Twilight, stop," He muttered as he looked back at the confused and hurt unicorn, "Don't… don't make this worse. Just go back with the others."

Twilight could only watch as the dragon disappeared to another part of the castle.

"Twilight, y'all ready to go?" Applejack asked as she placed a hand on Twilight's shoulder, the lavender unicorn flinching before swatting away her 'friend'.

"I need to have a word with the queen…" Was all Twilight said before blinking out of existence, a black wisp swirling out of existence from where she had stood.

Twilight had once more found herself near the throne of the Crystal Empire, her quiet rage festering before ebbing slightly as she heard a rather melancholic heartsong of all things… her rage simmering further at the self implications of loathing and burden… only to erupt once more as she neared the throne, the child queen upon her throne proclaiming herself the world's savior… it's chosen one.

"You," Twilight stated gravely, her struggling magic arcing wildly along her horn as she made her way before the child. Chara immediately activated her throne's defenses in response.

"You self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, woefully insignificant creature."

"I mean I did vaporize half a continent of demons and purified a layer of hell but fuck what I got going on right?" Chara spat.

"Your sense of self importance has been noted," Twilight replied as her fur began to darken, "Besides your obvious lack of political decorum, your unashamed declaration of statistical elevation to that which only the most heroic of ponies have ever achieved…"

"Okay first of all, stop eating away at your own life force," Chara replied, "Second of all, let me tell you a bit of history Celestia left out and Sombra hid away because he didn't expect anyone to find it… why there's only one Draconequus and two Alicorns… it's because they went to war with my race. Your precious, perfect little pony princesses and your hilarious walking freak show were the only survivors."

"Nonsense," Twilight growled, but her eyes tracked the book that was thrown before her. Her first instinct was to turn the tome to ash, but the librarian in her won out for the moment, her mind regarding its aged cover and spine.

"Two immortal races waged war against a group of mortals and the event nearly caused the extinction of all three."

Chara stated solemnly, Twilight slowly reaching for the book and examining it.

"That is the power of a human soul."

The child queen shifted to a more comfortable position in her throne. Twilight's magic settled as bits of her fur regained color.

"Now kindly fuck off. Cadence should be here soon to teach me how to be an actual ruler…"

The child shuddered at the thought of having to deal with all those responsibilities.

Twilight's magic flared for a second as a flat pillar of stone struck the throne's barrier.

"I don't know what you're doing to control Spike… but Celestia will kill you…"

"Alright, bet," Chara replied with a smirk as the pillar of crystal shattered, "Tell Sun Bitch I'll be waiting right here when she wants to run those hands again."

With that, Twilight was gone, Cadence walked in as a black wisp faded from where the once Element of Magic once stood.

"Twilight was here, wasn't she?" She asked with a frown.

"Yup," Chara replied, "And she managed to cram in several dumb action in about two minutes. One, she kept up with the pony's superiority crap. Two, she started using dark magic that has no doubt drained ten years of her life… and three. She ‘warned’ me that Celestia will be coming for me,"

Cadence sighed as she pinched the bridge of her muzzle.

"If I were papa, she would’ve been cut in half. If I were mommy dearest, she would have had her soul ripped out and eaten."

Cadence only nodded at this as she drew closer… noticing the child's face erupting into a mad blush as she turned away, "Is something wrong, your highness?" Cadence asked.

"Why are you still dressed like that?" Chara asked in embarrassed confusion.

“Dressed like wh-”

The princess of love took a moment to review her attire, giving a soft ‘ah’ in realization.

“I haven’t had time to get a spare set of clothing. I probably should have guessed by your age that you haven’t been taught about relationships and reproduction.”

Cadence maintained a poker face while using the most monotone voice possible. Chara was confused about where she was going with this, she also wondered why Cadance hadn't changed yet.

Nodding, Cadence sat down next to the child, her body’s fully bared glory now on sordid display.

“I suppose now would be a decent time to teach you about all this. Bodily functions, wanted and unwanted attractions… political marriages…”

Cadence shuddered for the briefest of moments before shaking away her disgust.

“You’re definitely going to need to know about that moving forward.”

"W-what?" Chara asked, completely blindsided by how asking why Cadence wasn't in a new pair of clothes had steered the conversation into this!

Cadence sighed, but smiled fondly.

“Yeah, I remember being your age too. We’ll start from the top.”

And with that, Cadence began a long, thorough explanation of what to expect as, not only a girl but as a woman with power in power… followed by how to wrap men around her finger and how to then use that finger in… various situations.

“We can go over the more political aspects once you’ve mulled this over for a day or two,” Cadence offered.

Chara, in all her earthly, mortal experience, stared gravely at Cadence. As her eyes dulled , she simply sent a humble thought into the void to any who would listen.

‘God… I’ve experienced Revelations firsthand, slew a myriad of demons and purified a layer of Hell… Why am I being punished again?'

Cadence only chuckled at the stunned child, “Yeah, I remember my first ‘talk’. That poor bandit leader…”

[POV] Canterlot Throne room

“How is there one left? The war ended several thousand years ago, they simply do not have the lifespan even if they survived!”

The ‘clops’ of Celestia’s hooves echoed as she paced back and forth in front of the royal dais. Luna responded from her position glaring out the window.

“I do not know, sister. Some abominations from our past seem to come back from the dead as of late. Perhaps the yaks will order another Ragnorok, maybe another changeling hive.”

The massive doors of the throne room creaked as a light brown stallion with a white mane pushed them inwards. As soon as he could fit through, he darted forward with a book as thick as his head and stumbled to a stop before the monarchs.

The stallion huffed between his words “I got the book you asked for princesses.”

Celestia nodded as she plucked the text from Token’s grasp. Invisible chains jingled as Celestia grunted as she was forced to use her other hand to grasp at a prominent padlock on the center of the cover.

“You may go, Token.”

The unarmored stallion bowed before rushing off and closing the door behind him. The leather bound book clicked several times as glowing chains faded into view before falling off like layers of dead skin. Several minutes passed with Celestia’s horn flashing at intervals before the book finally creaked open.

Luna finally turned from the window to walk over to her sister before asking.

“You did not destroy… that?”

Celestia shook her head at Luna’s scowl.

“No, it is only information, Luna, nothing more. To throw away such would not only be a waste, but a detriment to future possibilities.”

Celestia paused for a moment to flip through a few pages before continuing.

“This situation is a prime example of such wisdom.”

Luna snorted before peering over Celestia’s shoulder.

“Have you found what soul this abomination possesses?

Celestia frowned before responding.

“The human we faced seems to hold a rare sort of soul, apparently mixed souls are extremely unstable, children rarely surviving their early years if they possess one.”

Luna rolled her eyes.

“Imagine that, turning one’s soul into a weapon is poor for your health, who would have thought?”

Celestia ignored her sister as she continued skimming the book.

“I do not remember seeing pink or black before but I do remember red.”

Another moment before Celestia’s face lit up with a grin.

“Ah ha, here it is!”

Luna cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, what does it mean?”

Celestia's face visibly darkened as she scanned the passages.

“Unwavering stamina… saving?... Loading?... RESET?!”

The dark look transformed into shock as her muzzle turned a ghostly white.

“The power to simply ignore death and rewrite fate? Luna, we need to get Discord in here, this is serious.”

The moment she spoke his name a loud pop sounded off right next to her.

“Yesssss?”

Luna started as Celestia gulped.

“Discord, I know we’ve had our differences in the past but you must help us the-”

Discord waved a hand as literal air quotes appeared above his head.

“‘Whole world is at stake’ I know I know. What is it now, a particularly nasty bunny running loose?”
He rolled his eyes.

“Perhaps the water tastes too salty? Oh, oh, I know! You missed my chocolate rain and are now begging me to bring it back! Maybe in a month or two but it’s lemonade season right-”

“A human has appeared and they hold Determination as a core trait.”

Discord did a double take before flashing a pair of sunglasses on his face so he could pull them down.

“A what now?”

Celestia took in a deep breath

“A human has appeared in the Crystal Empire and we need your help.”

Discord blinked before collapsing to the floor in a wild storm of guffaws. He wiped a tear from his cheek as he floated into the air. He pointed a talon at Celestia.

“You”

He snorted.

“Want me.”

He snorted again.

“To help you restore order?”

His voice cracked at the thought of such stupidity.

“And you believed that would happen?”

Discord descended into mad cackles as he rolled around in the air while Celestia’s face went red. Celestia huffed before speaking.

“Don’t you remember what they did to your people?”

Discord grinned back.

“My people? Those angry noodles were all pains in the neck!”

He landed behind Celestia while laying a hand around her shoulders. He stuck out his other hand to wave a burst of power forward. A picture of the quality a toddler would make drew itself in front of the duo.

Several squiggly lines with frowny faces appeared.

“My ‘people’ were all so doomy and gloomy all the time. Never knew how to have a good time!”

Dark clouds and vaguely fire shaped pools of red appeared.

“‘Chaos is suffering’ they said ‘we are the end of civilization’ they said.”

Discord’s grin widened as he wiped the slate clean, leaving behind the only noodle with a smile.

“Those wonderful little apes not only got rid of the competition.”

The crude drawing grew and grew as colors became more defined. Within seconds Discord had faded from Celestia’s side and bled into his creation.

“But made me a god. Why would I be mad at them, if anything I should help the human out!”

Celestia glared at him.

“Then I hope you don’t mind striking a pose for me Discord?”

Discord spun while flashing a matador outfit on finishing with a dramatic flourish and a rose in his teeth.

“Like this?”

A bright flash later left a marble statue of the event. Celestia blinked as she stared at the monument to Discord’s lunacy before jumping as something smacked her rear.

“I know I know, I’m irresistible but you really shouldn’t stare, it’s rude.”

A red-faced Celestia spun to glare at a grinning Discord. She sputtered for a couple moments before being interrupted by Discord again.

“Those fancy rocks did turn me to stone twice I admit.”

He turned to the statue of himself.

“But I don’t know how they’d fare at the moment.”

He tossed a look over his shoulder.

“However, if I recall correctly, they’re suffering some.”

Discord’s voice trailed off as he waved his paw through the air a few times before holding it out in a questioning gesture.

“Separation issues?”

Celestia’s wide eyes and slack jaw sent Discord into another cyclone of laughter. Discord’s cheshire grin was the last thing to fade from view, leaving a disturbing set of floating teeth and eyes that blinked out a moment later.

Celestia shuddered before turning around and screaming. The shock of her sister hanging upside down from a floating cotton candy cloud, covered in chocolate milk, and moaning in delight sent the white alicorn into shock before the world went black.

Nobles and yaks

"So um why did you come to me?" Chara asked as she looked at the two nobles who had come to her complaining about leaves in each other's yard.

"He got leaves in my yard! I want him in chains!"

"I didn't your highness!"

Chara stared at the self-entitled nobles with a deadpan before yelling "get these morons out of my throne room!" The nobles started yelling and begging for mercy as they were dragged away. And a good majority left not wanting the same treatment.

A blinding white light burned Chara’s eyes as an energetic voice called out.

“Hello there, wonderful ponies of the empire! It is I, Discord, the Lord of lunacy, the Monarch of Madness, the world’s leading Connoisseur of Chaos!”

Fake applause thundered through the room as the light faded to nothing, revealing the grinning madman that Chara knew as Discord

Oh, it’s Discord!

Then a shower of lemonade covered Chara in all its sour glory.

Oh, it’s Discord…

Chara scowled at the grinning draconequus.

“Where is it?”

He blinked.

“Where is what?”

The scowl deepened.

“Where. Is. The. Chocolate”

Discord blinked a few more times before grinning again.

“Oh, I’m sorry my dear but chocolate was so last season. Lemonade is in and it's wonderful!”

Discord made the mistake of closing his eyes with his last grin, which made the sudden flare of pain all the more surprising. Discord’s eyes shot wide open as he plucked a knife out of his snout.

He scowled back at Chara.

“Rude.”

Chara growled.

“I am the queen here, my word is law, now the law is that every month is chocolate month!”

Discord shrugged before snapping up a pink forecast.

“Very well.”

Chara shivered in excitement as the brown goodness fell from the faux heavens.

She stuck out her tongue as Discord faded from reality in a fit of giggles. The subtle retreat saved him from a burst of Chara’s rage as the brown turned white.

“Get back here you heretic!”

Another flash of light burst from behind her and a Discord garbed in all red screamed.

“Heretic, where? Nopony expects the Chaos Inquisition, I swear I’ll root out the cause, you majesty just give me…”

Discord trailed off as he noticed Charas’s glare.

“Uh, no hard feelings?”

The kid rolled her eyes as she sat back on her throne.

“Whatever, let’s just get this over with.”

With a sigh, she straightened.

“Discord, I would like to bargain.”

The self-proclaimed Lord of Lunacy stared at the little queen before him.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded and Discord squealed in excitement.

“It’s been so long since I got a legitimate bargain. What da ya want? Power? Money? Your own personal galaxy?”

Chara shook her head.

“Nah I have enough power, I own an empire made of gems, and a personal galaxy sounds like too much work.”

Her gaze gained an edge it lacked before.

“You get to play your little jokes and have a few laughs as long as it’s not detrimental to the empire.”

Discord’s face lit up with excitement. Chara continued.

“But, you will back us when we need it. Do we have a deal?”

Discord’s head became a blur as he nodded with an outstretched hand.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!”

Chara walked around the throne to pull out a glowing golden sheet of paper.

“Then just sign at the bottom.”

Discord grabbed a phoenix feather out of thin air to write his name at the bottom. The whole paper lit up in flames and dissolved into nothing before a perfect copy of the agreement popped into existence before each of them.

“Oh, I am going to have so much fun!”

Chara grinned at Discord with squinted eyes.

“Oh, I’m sure you will, it was a pleasure doing business with you.”

With that Discord, the Dastardly Devil, the Baron of Boorishness, the biggest sucker this side of anywhere, blinked away to whatever mayhem he would manage.

Cadence came in wearing a new outfit that consisted of a dress that was silky, shiny, and smooth to the touch. It went halfway down her thighs and was colored white with gold trim, the dress hugged her form and left almost nothing to the imagination.

"Are you sure that was a good idea?" Cadence asked with a worried look in her eyes.

Chara rolled her eyes "I know what I'm doing I went through that thing with the thought process of seeing if I could find loopholes in it."

Cadence continued to look worried even as Chara snickered at the thought of how thorough she was.

"Your highness, a yak Jarl is here." A guard said a little worried as Chara groaned in exasperation.

"This is why I say ruling is not worth it," Chara grumbled to herself as she gestured to let them in. Chara watched as a giant fur-covered beast of a man stomped into the throne room. The dreadlocks that hung over his eyes swayed as he lumbered towards the throne. Each step sent vibrations through the floor and his black, spiky armor clinked as it shifted.

He came to a stop a few feet away, looming over Chara before tilting his head. Chara was looking at him bored as she rested her head in one hand leaning to the side and crossing her legs in front of her.

The Yak spoke first.

“WHERE IS QUEEN?”

The wind from The Yak’s question blew Chara’s bangs back and up over her head.

"Oh, you want her? That's nice, hello~" Chara said, derision dripping from her voice as she waved her hand.

The Yak stared for a moment before bursting into a series of guffaws that made the room shudder.

“THAT IS GOOD JOKE LITTLE SKIN THING. BUT QUEEN KILLED SOMBRA, QUEEN MUST BE STRONG, AND YOU ARE SMALL.”

"The only joke here is your dick size," Chara smirks in response.

The Yak tilted his head again.

“WHAT DOES JOKE HAVE TO DO WITH MY FRIEND DICK? AND WHY SIZE? HE MAY BE SMALL BUT HE VERY SMART.”

"I was talking about your penis dumbass and considering you called your friend smart I believe he would barely be able to answer 2 + 2…" Chara said before whispering "I'm surrounded by idiots"

“NO NO NO, SILLY GIRL, TWO AND TWO MAKES FOUR, NOT SILENCE! YOU REALLY SHOULD JUST GO ASK MY FRIEND DICK FOR LESSONS.”

The Yak shook his head.

“I’M SORRY LITTLE SKIN THING BUT I MUST TALK WITH QUEEN NOW.”

"I am the queen you dumbass! I killed Sombra, ripped out his fucking soul, and ate it!" Chara said activating the throne just to show off.

The Yak stared at Chara for a moment.

“HOW DID HE TASTE?”

"Like gumdrops and ice cream…" Chara said sarcastically.

The Yak brought a hand to his chin.

“DO YOU THINK HE COULD BE MADE INTO CANDY? I LIKE CANDY, MUCH MORE USEFUL THAN WHAT HE DOING BEFORE.”

"Oh God, I traded Celestia for this…" Chara said and dawning a horrified expression

The Yak shook his head.

“SO YOU QUEEN, EH?”

"Yep, I got settled with the worst position ever created…ruling over morons, "Chara said with a twitch in her eye.

The Yak stared for a moment before shrugging.

“IF YOU NO LIKE YAKS, THEN IS FINE. WE’LL TAKE PEACE GIFT HOME WITH US.”

"Oh no it's not you that I hate, it's the fact that I have a bunch of whiny bitches called nobles constantly asking me to solve their problems…why couldn't they just work out the fact that the tree is on both of their lawns so both of them should take care of it, not try to shove off the work to someone else!"

The Yak shrugged.

“BACK HOME, NOBLES FIGHT DUELS TO SETTLE DISPUTES. ALL THE HIGH KING HAS TO DO IS MAKE SURE FIGHT IS FAIR. IS USUALLY A LOT OF FUN!”

The Yak grinned as he turned to walk away.

“I WILL SEND PEACE GIFT AND INVITATION TO NEXT DUEL! IT BE ME AND THE BARD THIS TIME!”

"You know what, I'm going to take your advice! Scribe, I'm making a new law! From this day onward if anyone has a dispute they can schedule a duel in my presence and they can literally fight it out!" Chara said with a grin as the black veins in her eyes pulsated.

Before the scribes could reply, a pair of yaks rolled in a life-size replica of The Yak made entirely out of chocolate. One of the yak couriers shouted.

“THIS YAK PEACE GIFT, WE GO NOW.”

With that, the two towers of armored fur left.

"scribe another thing! Yaks are now our friends!" Chara yelled before diving onto the giant thing of chocolate yak and eating her way through it.

Author's Note

Hi all this fic is no longer being co-authored by azure5555