What DO You Eat Anyway?

by Malory

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Random, Human, Main 6
Length: 1219

"Why are you sweating? It's a simple question."

"Why are you sweating? It's a simple question."

Published 2024-10-02 07:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-10-02 07:50:00 UTC

Oh no...

I choked on my tea, spitting some back into the cup as the hacking coughs rattled through me. Gasps of shock came from all six mares sharing the table with me.

"Hold on, I gotcha!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she flew around my back and prepared to Heimlich me. I suppressed my choking long enough to shake my head wildly and bat at her hooves. I was reasonably certain she would accomplish nothing but crushing my ribs.

"I'm fine!" I croaked out as she returned to her seat, disappointed she couldn't be a hero for Equestria's first(?) human. "Just went down the wrong pipe." I sat their, catching my breath and hoping the conversation would resume and carry on from the question.

It didn't. Silence prevailed in the room. A long, patient silence. Anticipation for an answer. One I had no intention of giving, and so I continued to "catch my breath" long after I needed to. Anything to stall and ride out this silence. In just a few seconds they would move on.

"Did ya hear my question, pardner?" Applejack asked.

Shit. She's getting close to resetting the counter. Need to head her off.

"The one about the orchards? Lots of orchards where I come from. All kinds of apples." That should do it.

"Ya already answered that one. I was askin'--"

"Did I?!" I spat that out a little too quickly. "I didn't remember. Are you sure I told you everything about the orchards?"

"...I was askin' what else you humans eat?"

The clock stops and resets in my mind. Oh no...

"Yeah, what DO you eat anyway?" Pinkie Pie added on. "Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess!"

I sipped my tea and stared through her as that mouth yammered out every conceivable sugary good that pre-diabetic brain kept stored away, locked deep within that sickenly sweet subconscious. I pretended to listen, nodding every now and then. The sip I was taking lasted too long though.

"Are you alright, darling?" Rarity asked. "You've been on that sip for ages!"

I slammed the cup down, causing her to jump. Fluttershy was barely visible save for a pink curl poking up from under the table. Twilight was confused. Applejack was probably asking herself what in tarnation was wrong with me, and Rainbow Dash was just plain weirded out.

Pinkie was still talking.

"I, uh..." No words came to mind. Good! Keep them busy. Stall them. Wait... if I stall them too long won't they get REALLY suspicious?

"What's the matter?" Twilight asked. "It's just a simple question. I'm actually eager to hear it myself! It could help make you comfortable while you're here, on top of helping with any future delegations should other humans appear!"

"Riiiight," I said slowly, my eyes shifting and-- oh no. Abort. Abort! ABORT! You look too shifty! They're gonna press!

"Seriously, what's your problem?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You're acting all weird on us."

"Yeah, you're lookin' mighty perturbed there," Applejack added.

"Oh my, you're sweating darling!" Rarity said.

"Am I?" I wiped my brow. Oh, that's a lot of sweat. I could fill a shot glass with it.

"Why are you sweating?" Twilight asked. "It's a simple question, really!"

"I KNOW." I pounded my fist on my chest and cleared my throat, getting that voice crack out of my system. "I know. Simple question." I went for the tea again.

Pinkie was still talking.

Alright, it was time to deflect.

"Well, what do you like to eat, Applejack?" I asked.

The mare stared at me. A stare that told me that she had read through my feeble attempts to deflect - and besides, the answer was obvious. Damn it. I should have asked Rarity. In fact...

"Yer gettin' a mite cagey on us mister--"

"RARITY! I meant Rarity. Sorry, Applejack, I... misspoke."

"M-Misspoke?" that threw her off. "That ain't yer na--"

"Well, I daresay while you seem a tad... uncomfortable," Rarity began, eyeing me with pity. "I shall answer your question by confessing a recent terrible addiction of mine."

The girls (sans Pinkie, who was still talking), collectively gasped. "A terrible addiction?!" Fluttershy nearly fainted at the words.

"Oh darlings, don't look at me like that, I'm simply exaggerating." She gives a sheepish grin. "Though if I sunk too deep into this addiction I may not fit into this Fall's ensemble! How scandalous would that be?"

I was relieved - glancing around the table I could see all of them were distracted. Finally. I quietly sighed, letting my shoulders relax. The sweat on my temple cooled. My heart beat slowed. All was peaceful at last. They would certainly forget when hearing about Rarity's addiction to... to what exactly?

"Have you girls ever heard of a 'croque monsieur'?" she asked.

"What is that, some kind of fancy little appetizer on a stick?" Rainbow Dash asked, bringing her hooves together to emphasize the "little".

Meanwhile, my brain started to hum. Croque monsieur? I knew what that was. What was it? A bourgie French grilled cheese, right? It was more than that... eggs... milk... cheese... a lot of cheese... and...

"Doesn't that have ham in it?" I blurted out before realizing it.

All the girls shut their mouths and looked at me. Except for Pinkie, who despite everything continued to blabber a list of... "food" at this point. Not that it mattered to me. I was frozen in place. The sweat reheated and started to pour again. My heart fluttered so quickly I could not longer hear the pulse in my eardrums. I was done for. Doomed. They found out my horrible carnivorous tendencies. I would be chased out of town for sure.

"Why... yes darling," Rarity said with a slight smile. "It does!"

My brain stopped but my mouth kept going. "What? Wait, but it's meat."

"It is," Twilight confirmed slowly, confusion on her face. "Does that... bother you?"

"Doesn't it bother you?" I asked. "I-I thought ponies ate... you know? Oats... hay... flowers... salads... sometimes an egg but like... I thought you were herbivores."

Everyone around the table finally caught on and they all tossed this notion aside in their own ways.

"Ponies don't eat meat often," Fluttershy said. "But we do need protein..."

"Why do ya think I raise pigs?" Applejack asked.

"Fertilizer?"

"Well, true, but that's a poor investment! Don't you know nothin' about farmin'?"

Truthfully I didn't. I was a city boy. "So you're all telling me I've been working myself up trying to hide how I'm an omnivore this whole time for nothing?"

Nods all around. Even Pinkie, who had finally stopped to tell it like it is.

"Well gosh, what did you think we were going to do when we found out? Banish you?"

I set my tea down and heaved a sigh. "I'm an idiot," I said. "At least now I know I can talk about my favorite steak!"

Blank stares all around.

What a moment to finally remember that the cows were very much citizens around here.

Author's Note

Half of this was in my drafts for at least three years at this point, I thought it was simple enough to finish and push out at 3 AM.

Pretty sure this has been done before but hey it was the journey, not the destination.