It was a 3-2 count. Three balls, two strikes. I was one strike away. One strike from joining Don Larsen as the only pitchers to pitch a perfect game in a World Series, and the first to pull it off in a Game 7.
Twilight would approve of the “perfect” part.
The pure, absolute silence from the crowd sent chilly shivers down my spine. It was almost unnatural. They should be cheering or booing, but they knew they were mere moments from witnessing a once-in-a-lifetime event. My mouth would have been shut too if I were them.
But the batter standing between me and World Series history was none other thanMike Trout, one of the best batters in the game and a two-time American League MVP*. His iron stance at the plate was flawless, radiated raw indomitable power, and his glare bellowed “This ball’s not getting by me!” Had to ignore my shoulder’s soreness from throwing over a hundred pitches. No–what soreness? I only felt the baseball tucked inside my left palm and soon-to-be victory.
It was now or never. What pitch should I go with to mark my name, Eric “Buggie” Reed, into the realm of World Series legends? Four-seam fastball? No, I already threw it back-to-back. Changeup? No, too obvious a choice after throwing two fastballs. Perhaps a slider? It is my go-to pitch, but Trout could be sitting on it instead of my changeup.
“Throw them your slider.”
“Whoa!” Geez, that killed the mood, and my hand’s grip on my ball failed. The ball just barelymissed my feet when it fell. The fun mental vision of a packed baseball stadium and field said bye-bye; the boring true vision of my bedroom said hello. My “catcher” was a pillow, by a wall, with an open glove I had propped in front of it.
I whirled around to the voice that shattered my focus: a giggling Twilight Sparkle, standing in my doorway while floating a plate of cookies with her magic. I suppose if anyone bore some right to ruin my fun, it was her. The pony did let me live in her castle after finding me in Equestria over a year ago. She even went on to act as an “Equestrian big sister” to me.
“Hehe, sorry if I startled you, but what great baseball-related feat were you imagining yourself accomplishing this time? Pitching a perfect game or winning a ‘World Merries’ again?”
“Both, and my world call it the ‘World Series’, not ‘World Merries’.” I massaged my left shoulder and chilled some of its stinging. Maybe I should have pretended to throw over a hundred pitches, but where’s the fun in that? “At least you can remember my favorite pitch’s name. Those baseball books you read paid off, though you learning enough to become a pitching coach for me isn’t happening anytime soon.”
Twilight stared down and pawed the floor, quite sheepishly I’ll say. “Yeah, it was a silly idea. But, after you told me you missed your high-school pitching coach and his lessons, I couldn’t help but try.”
“I know, and thanks.” Gotta give the kind-hearted mare an “A+” for effort. I picked my ball off the floor and tossed it onto my bed–I was tempted to throw one last pitch at my still-waiting glove, but my sore arm’s tightness demanded otherwise. “What's up with those cookies?”
“Oh, right, I forgot why I came.” She trotted into my room and up to me with her plate of cookies. “Can you test one of these? I baked them and they contain a new ingredient I invented.”
“You invented a new ingredient?”
“Yep!” She answered with a proud smile, lifting her head up just as proudly. “It doesn’t have a name yet, but it contains properties of a synthetic hybrid of chocolate and nuts. However, someone who is allergic to either or both can safely eat these cookies. Not only that, they are low in fat!”
The cookies looked like your plain ‘ol cookies. No chocolate chips, nuts, or anything decorated them. I leaned forward and sniffed them, then my eyes widened. My nose hair screamed from the putrid smell assaulting them and practically receded into their follicles; I snapped my head back. My stomach tightened, said “no way you crazy pony” while probably fading white, matching the color of my shirt. The souring, nose-killing stench from those cookies was something kids of rotten eggs and blue cheese might produce.
P and U.
“What do you think?”
“I think that if you’re worried about becoming overweight, try exercising more, or exercising period.”
“Very funny,” Twilight said with an eye roll and in a not-so-amused voice, “but just take a quick bite.” A smile returned on her face and she added, “Don’t worry; they may…smell a bit due to my new ingredient, but I promise they are perfectly safe.”
“Tell that to my stomach.” I patted my previously mentioned organ, or belly to be more technical. “It’s still mad about the time I tested your semi-sweet potato muffins. I had never barfed so much in a single day before!”
She leaned her head to my stomach/belly. ”Stomach, I promise these cookies are perfectly safe, as my regular sweet potato muffins are.”
“That wasn’t meant to be taken literally and you know it!” I flicked one of Twilight’s ears, prompting a cute giggle out of her mouth as she pulled her head away. Man are her giggles adorable, or adorkable in Twilight’s case. “Anyway, Princess of Baking, why you running to little ‘ol me for help? Spike’s the cooking expert between us, and Pinkie makes even Spike look like a baking rookie.”
“I don’t know where Pinkie is, but I did ask Spike. He sniffed my cookies, then he said he forgot Rarity had asked for his help.” Twilight gazed upward, probably in thought, and tapped her cheek. “He must have been really late, because he hurried off to see her.”
Lucky for Spike, the cookie baker's ability to see through lies needed work.
“Then what about Starlight? Now that I think of it, won’t feedback from another pony be a bit more useful?”
“Starlight ran off behind Spike before I could ask. Unless I track down Pinkie or another of our friends, I’m stuck with you.”
“Wait, ‘stuck’ with me–okay, I’ll pretend that wasn’t nearly as insulting as it sounded.”
“It wasn’t. Besides, hehe, partly in thanks to our school, Equestria’s races are bonding with each other at an unprecedented level, and this is still only the beginning,” she said almost giddily, and hopped in place a few times, looking adorkable. Twi has been so excited about her school and its progress, and seeing her so happy warmed some joy in my chest. Even if I wouldn’t bend on feasting on her blasted cookies. “You being a human even lets you be abetter choice to test brand-new foods.”
“Why?”
"I may make these cookies an option as a snack for our students. Spike could help vouch for how dragon students might like them, but you could be a more…universal taste tester.”
The poor things. If that alicorn had the ovaries to serve those cookies to our students, I could picture said students lining up to my office there. Although I wouldn’t be answering questions about how ponies do things from an “outsider’s” perspective, my main role as a “non-native bridge to pony society” for non-pony students. I’d be answering other questions.
“So come on, try giving a cookie a little taste.” Twilight floated the plate near my face; my nose hair unleashed another scream.
“No!” I pushed the plate away.
Twi shoved the plate to my face again, to my nose's dismay. “Pleaaaaase, Buggie? For me?”
I took a step back to get some distance from those cookies, but I was in big trouble. Twilight had put on her pleading smile! Did her eyes actually sparkle? Either way, I couldn’t say “no” to that face! Too cute to turn down!
With no one around, besides Twilight, and her face pounding my willpower into pushover jelly, I groaned. Sorry stomach.
Wait–that was it! She was there! Genius!
“I got a better idea.” I shoved those cookies away once again, then pointed a finger at the Princess of Adorkableness. “How about you eat it?”
Twilight’s irresistible smile wilted to a far easier to say “no” to frown, as she pointed at herself. “Me?”
“Yeah, you! As its creator, you know way more about your ingredient ‘X’ or whatnot than me, so why not?”
She stared at her cookies, her frown wilting further. A lump rolled down her throat. Good, this would be fun. “W-well, I…”
“You said they’re safe, right?”
“Of course eating them is safe! I wouldn’t have asked you to eat them if I thought they were unsafe.”
“So instead of begging me or one of the gang to act as your guinea pig, be your own!”
That coaxed another eye roll and huff out of her. “First, I’m not experimenting on you, so this hardly counts as you being a ‘huinea pig’ or whatever that human expression is. Second, uh, I already ate, so I’m full.”
Twilight’s stomach growled. Out popped a sheepish grin from ‘em lips. Busted!
“Tell that to your stomach.”
“Oh, that wasn’t–er, ponies’ stomachs when full, uh…” Twilight sighed. Must be fresh out of excuses. “Okay, I’m a bit…unsure of its taste, but your stomach is stronger than mine. Humans have strong stomachs!” She said, ending with a snort. One of the times she sounded not like a sapient pony, but a pony due to her ending snort.
Flattering me and my species. She’s good.
But not good enough, and a delicious idea popped into my noggin. I was going to enjoy this. “Fine.” I grabbed the plate from Twilight’s magic. I skipped to my dresser, laid the plate down as I picked up a cookie with my other hand, and skipped back to Twilight. “After I say something, I’ll think about playing taste-tester.”
A big fat grin flashed on Twi’s face and her eyes sparkled again. This time I knew they did. “You will?! Great! Tell me anything!”
“Eat up, girl!”
My hand’s grip on the cookie tightened. It lunged for Twilight’s mouth and rammed into its suddenly sealed lips. I pushed against them, and Twilight shook her head, mumbling, “Uhm-uhm! Uhm-uhm!”
“Open up, big sis! It’s time you be your own ‘huinea pig’!”
“Uhm-uhm! Stmm! I memmt it!”
I latched my free hand over Twilight's muzzle–even alicorns need to breathe. A sharp shake of her head threw off both my hands, and I got no idea how its force didn’t knock the cookie out of my hand. She spun toward the doorway, but I jumped in front of her and forced the cookie against her lips again.
“It’s no use! Take this and chow down!”
Between struggling to keep Twilight’s swiveling head in semi-check and cutting her off each time she turned to attempt an escape in a tight dance, my muscles started to flag and grow wobbly. Not good. I had all but forgotten my left arm’s soreness, but its sting’s reminder alarm was worse than eight alarm clocks firing at once. Or, the yelling of a single Pinkie Pie.
Time for plan “B.” I’d have to act immediately afterward, or I’d risk becoming the first human to get blasted into the sun by an alicorn.
“If you don’t eat, I’m burning one of your books!”
“WHAT?!”
Knew those words would get the Princess of Books’s mouth open, which I stuffed with her cookie. Her eyes bulged and she spat the cookie out, largely intact, then furiously wiped her mouth with her hooves. She spat out crumbs as she did, and this was a sight to behold!
There’s never a camera around when I really need it. But, it says something about those cookies' smell that they seemed no less unappealing when coated in pony drool.
“So, how was it?” I asked with the best smirk I could muster.
The baker’s stomach grumbled. She flew out my room in a purple blur, triggering a wind gust that blew some papers on my dressers to the floor. The heaving grunts and moans from, likely, the bathroom reminded me that Equestrian ponies have an ability ponies from my old world don’t possess: barf.
Guess Twilight’s stomach wasn’t completely empty.
“Hey, Twi! If you can hear me, want me to give your compliments to the chef?!”
“You…*groan*...be quiet!”
“Was that a ‘no’?!”
“Ugh!”
I took that as a “no.” Love that mare. Twilight Sparkle might sometimes be a royal pain, albeit a friendly one, but she can be a great source of entertainment.
I glanced over toward the rest of the cookies on my dresser, and another delicious idea came to me. I could have fun with Starlight later, if I tell her the cookies are, well, delicious, despite their stench. I’d just need to get to her before she learned Twilight’s “review” of them.
Author's Note
Uh-oh! Starlight might be in trouble. If Eric's plan works, let's hope she doesn't get too mad and be a good sport.
*Before someone says that Mike Trout is a three-time AL MVP, due to the timeline of where this story takes place, Eric was pulled into Equestria before Trout won AL MVP for the third time in 2019. Thus Eric only knew of his first two AL MVP awards.
(Bonus chapter) Target: Starlight Glimmer
Where was she?
I combed Ponyville after I left Twilight’s castle to look for Starlight, but she was AWOL. Spike didn’t know, the gang didn’t know, and even Trixie didn’t know where she went! The risk of eating Twilight’s cookies couldn’t have freaked “Starie” out so much that she fled Ponyville without a word!
Something was up. Chrysalis still wanted Starlight’s head on a silver platter and was at large–something I try to avoid thinking about. Maybe–no, that couldn’t be it. My paranoia struck again. Like Twilight, Starlight has taken the role of an “Equestrian big sister” for me too, and the thought that she might be…NO!
Running around Ponyville like a madman was getting zilch done, so I decided to make a beeline back to the castle, and busted through the front door. Maybe Starlight already returned and I missed her. Why didn’t I check there sooner?
“Starlight?! Are you here?!”
“Yeah, I’m in my room! Is something wrong?”
Whew, what a relief! My paranoia could take a hike for now.
Wait–the cookies! I forgot why I was even looking for her!
“No, nothing’s wrong, but I want to ask you something! Stay in your room and I’ll be right there!”
Carrying the plate of Twilight’s cookies I had picked up from my room, I walked inside Starlight’s room. She sat on her bed while working on a new kite lying in front of her, and a few new ones lay by her bed.
That pony sure likes kites.
“Did Twilight tell you about these cookies she baked?”
Starie lifted her head to face me, and nodded. “She did. She asked Spike to test one, but they smelt horrible! I ran off with Spike after he lied about Rarity needing him, so Twilight couldn’t try to ask me to do it.”
“Did you talk to her after that?”
Starlight shook her head. “No. I’m not even sure she’s still in the castle.”
Wonderful. My target was clueless. Easy pickings!
“In that case, you don’t know what you missed!”
“What?”
“She asked me to taste them, and–”
“Oh no!” Starie yelled, her hooves slapping onto her cheeks. “What was I thinking?! I’m so sorry I left without warning you Twilight might–”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” Couldn’t let her start feeling guilty, especially with what was coming. “I’m glad you took off without warning me, because these cookies are good.”
“What?! Twilight’s cookies?! Are you serious?!”
“No. They are delicious! Twi could be the richest pony in Equestria if she mass-produced and sold these cookies!”
“Whoa. They really are delicious?”
“Would I lie to you?” I asked with the most innocent smile I could summon. Even sheepishly scraped the floor with my foot for extra innocence points.
“Yes, for pranks.”
“But–” I raised a finger; I only needed one hand to hold my plate. But she had a point, so I lowered it. “Okay, then would I lie any other time?”
“Well,” Starlight answered as her eyes rolled thoughtfully upward, “I can be…sensitive. You might lie if you were worried about hurting my feel–”
“Starlight, you know what I mean!”
“Hee hee, I do. Sorry.” She rolled off her bed and trotted to me. “So, these cookies really are tasty, huh?”
“I can’t even describe it, but let’s put it this way: when Twilight ate her first one, it left her speechless.”
“Wow.”
“And knowing Spike, when he finds out how good they are, he might eat them all at once. You better chow on one while you still can.”
“If you’re serious, I’ll try one. Here goes nothing.” Starlight floated a cookie off my plate and took a bite. Thought she’d hesitate at least a little.
But hold on–where were the gagging and spitting? Did she toss the rest of the cookie in her mouth while smiling?!
“You were right! This is delicious!”
“IT IS?!” I slapped my cheek and cleared my throat – had to focus all my willpower just to calm myself – and asked, “I mean, uh, it is?”
“Well, yeah. You said they are, so why are you so surprised?”
“Surprised? I-I’m not surprised! I, uh, thought you’d have a…stronger reaction.”
Starlight puzzlingly tilted her head sideways. “You thought I might sing a song over it or something? Equestrians can’t resist singing when we’re in the mood, but that cookie wasn’t good enough for a song.” She straightened her head, her lips curling up into a sly grin. “Oh, and as Pinkie said last Hearth’s Warming’s Eve, we are gonna get you to sing your first song someday!”
Pinkie just had to open the singing request floodgates. No one cared about my singing “skills”, not even the Princess of Curiosity, till Pinkie opened her big mouth about how I never sang. Now they want a performance! “I…forget it. But, if you want a song out of me, prepare for a LONG wait!”
The singing-lover giggled, then I gawked at the plate of cookies still in my grasp. How? Why? How?! Those things tasted so bad, merely having one in her mouth for a second sent Twilight flying to the bathroom!
Then again, maybe that wacky ingredient becomes tasty after sitting out for a while? Starlight’s taste in food couldn’t be that different from Twilight’s.
I couldn’t believe I was picking up a cookie. I forced myself to not breathe through my nose during the quickest bite ever.
Bad idea. A pure, raw, repugnant flavor swarmed my taste buds like killer bees, and I spit that cookie out pronto! What Twilight use as a base for her ingredient?! Feces?!
My stomach didn’t care what was in those cookies, but its effects: the poor organ twisted. A sinking wave of nausea ordered me to run. Which I did, out Starlight’s room, down the castle’s halls, and to the bathroom. I came inches from crashing into the bathroom’s door before I turned on the brakes to open it. Once in front of the toilet, I finally let my stomach turn inside out and went the unofficial “number three.”
Oh man. It was the semi-sweet potato muffin incident all over again.
At last, my stomach finished having a temper tantrum, and I rubbed my head to ease the bedroom’s spinning. Barfing can have a habit of making things spin around you. Couldn’t forget to massage my now-sour, jelly-feeling belly too. Oh, and I definitely couldn’t forget about washing my mouth over the sink, vigorously, to get the remaining taste of that cookie out.
With my surroundings only slightly spinning and my mouth feeling kinda clean, I staggered back to and into Starlight’s room, enduring the echoing laughter cutting through the halls. You got one guess who was laughing. I didn’t notice that I dropped the plate of cookies right before I ran, but since Starlight had it beside her, she must have caught it.
“Your running speed has improved! You should enter the next Running of the Le–”
“Never mind the ‘running’ jokes, wise mare.” I pointed at the wise mare. “What did you do?”
She let out a mock gasp, laying a hoof on her chest. “Me? ‘Do’?”
“Yeah, you, and do! This has your hoofprints all over it!”
“Well, I might have come back to the castle to give you a warning. Then I might have secretly listened in when Twilight tried to get you to eat a cookie, and I might have anticipated you’d try to prank me with them. Next, I might have gotten more cookies from Sugarcube Corner, and might have cast a spell to make them look and smell like Twilight’s cookies.”
The repeater of “might haves” pulled part of her blanket off her bed. It uncovered a second plate of cookies that looked just like Equestria’s worst-tasting cookies. This just wasn’t fair!
My mouth could only emit baffled stutters. Starie levitated off her bed with her magic with a huge, know-it-all smirk few can nail better, and petted me on my head with a hoof. I growled, but I think she likes it when I growl during her pets. Although I’ll admit her counter-prank was executed all but flawlessly.
She ended her levitation, and floated a cookie off the original plate in her magical grasp. “But, to show I’m a good sport, this cookie is one of the disguised ones from Sugarcube Corner, so take it. I promise I wasn’t lying about them being good.”
“Really?”
“Really. They might even help settle your stomach.”
“In that case, thanks, Star–” I gasped. Nearly fell for it! “Oh, no you don’t!”
“What do I don’t?”
“I bet that’s another of Twilight’s cookies, so I’m gonna take one that’s on the other plate! Ha!”
“Darn it,” she said with an outwitted frown. “I almost had you.”
I strutted to Starlight’s bed and snatched one of the cookies from the second plate. I waved it in her direction and said, “It was a nice try, but you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to nail me with the same prank twice!“ I bit into the cookie–no!
It was one of Twilight’s cookies! I coughed it out on the spot, but my stomach twisted again. I obeyed another wave of nausea’s order to run, sprinted back to the bathroom, and went number three again. Well, sorta. Barely anything came out. Still washed out my mouth with the prior zealous effort though.
I floundered out of the bathroom; laughter from a certain kite-liking unicorn further rubbed in how I got outsmarted again! Turned out I was easy pickings.
Once I made it back to Starie’s bedroom – she was snickering to herself with a hoof covering her mouth – I said, “I’ll wake up at 6 AM from now on.”
“Good idea.” She hopped off her bed, carrying one of the plates of cookies in magic, and petted me a second time. I growled for the second time. They may be playful pets, but I still hate them!
But wait–an idea popped in my noggin. I teetered on my feet while I slowly, dazedly, wobbled my head.
Starie’s smile sunk like a rock as her eyes enlarged. “W-what’s wrong?! Oh no, I shouldn’t have tricked you into eating these cookies and I’m so sorry–for real this time! Just hang in there and I’ll–”
Ha, got her! I snatched a cookie from the floating plate and shoved it in that mare’s mouth and stopped my wobbling. Her pupils shrank, and she spat out that cookie out in a flash. Glorious, simply glorious. Starlight looked like Twilight performing the wiping her mouth/spitting out stray cookie crumbs combo. Even more glorious.
I had no idea which cookie was which, but it was either take a guess or let that chance slip by.
“Hey! That–” Starlight’s stomach grumbled –”oh, Celestia, out of my way!” She dashed out of the room in a light-purple blur and gust of wind. Glad my reflexes let me catch the plate in mid-air, and I laughed at the following moaning and heaving, which I’m pretty sure came from inside the bathroom. My stomach was still tender, but laughing felt too good to care.
Knew pretending to be sick would make Starie enter “big sister” mode and drop her guard.
The moaning ceased, and I waited for hoofsteps to approach. They came, and soon afterward the maker of the steps stumbled into her room. “If you’re waking up at 6 AM, I’m waking up at 5:59 AM.”
“Good idea.” I reached out to pet her head, making her growl. Payback is fair play.
After I cut out the petting, Starlight commented, “For a princess and headmare, I’m starting to think Twilight has too much free time. What do you think?”
“Probably. She needs either more books or a boyfriend, so she’ll be bored less often. You all right?”
“Yeah.” Starie smiled, her more usual cheerful one. “But that was good acting you did before. I really thought you were about to faint.”
“Same for how you got me, twice. We’re way better at acting than Princess Celestia.”
“We are, but it’s not hard to outdo her in acting.”
We broke out in laughter. I’ll never forget what we went through when Twi put on a play at the school and made Celestia the star. Let’s just say the Princess of the Day shouldn’t give up her crown to be an actress anytime soon.
“Oh! I got an idea!” Starlight glanced toward the plate in my hands. She put on another smirk. “You wanna get Spike to eat one of Twilight’s ‘delicious’ cookies the way you tried to trick me into eating one?”
I stroked my cheek. “Well…part of me don’t want him to suffer eating the all-time worst-tasting cookies. Then again, he might feel a little left out if he didn’t join the party.” I nodded in agreement, my own smirk building. “I’m game. Let’s do it!”
“Great! When we find him, I’ll pick out the cookie. My spell had the good ones’ appearance slightly differ from the bad ones to let me tell them apart. Do you kn–”
The castle’s front door creaked open. That must be either Twilight, if she had left, or Spike.
“Ten to one that’s Spike. If it is, let’s have some fun with our favorite dragon,” I said and stepped out of the room. Starie followed, carrying the cookies with her, and we waited.
The small figure known as “Spike” eventually came into view in the hallway. Showtime!
“Spike, there you are!” Starlight raised a greeting hoof. “We were about to look for you!”
“You were?”
“Yep! As you know, the Princess of Baking baked some cookies.”
Spike shuddered. “Calling them ‘cookies’ is probably giving them too much credit. I’m glad you finally found Starlight, but did Twilight ask you to taste one? I ran off so fast, I forgot to warn you! Sorry!”
“I’m glad you forgot to give me a heads-up, because they are delicious!”
His mouth dropped. “WHAT?!”
“Trust me, the idea stunned us too, but tasting is believing.” I motioned to the cookies in Starlight’s magical grip. “So give one a try.”
Starlight floated a cookie to him. He picked it from her magic and stared at it, flipping it over a few times, while grimacing.
“Cover your nose if you have to,” I suggested.
With a deep breath, Spike covered his nose and bit into the cookie. I was evil for this. I knew it. But on the other hand, Spike is my “Equestrian little brother” so that means I gotta mess with him sometimes.
“Whoa!” Spike said, with a smile! “Bad smell or not, that is pretty good!”
“IT IS?!” Starlight and I shouted. My eyes remained locked on Spike, but I was quite sure Starlight’s mouth was agape–mine sure was.
“Yeah!” Spike wolfed down the rest of the cookie. “I wouldn’t call it delicious, but I could get used to eating these if Twilight bakes them again.” He fiddled with his claws and took a step forward. “Are you going to eat the rest of those, or, heh heh, may I?”
“You may, and take them all. Starie and I are…full.”
Starlight floated the plate to Spike, and he walked off while chomping on more cookies. Had no clue on what to make of that. My partner in crime and I switched between staring toward the retreating dragon and each other.
Life in Equestria is weirdsometimes.
“Starie, did Spike like those things?”
“Yep.”
“You did give him one of Twilight’s cookies, right?”
“Yep.”
“Should we lie down in case those cookies put us both in a state of delirium?”
“Definitely yep.”
Author's Note
Dragons have much stronger stomachs than humans and ponies, don't they?
If you liked this story, consider checking out https://www.fimfiction.net/story/501479/enzyme-scooped-salad by Dewdrops on the Grass. It has a similar premise, and a comment I made on it even became the inspiration for this story.
