EGX, the biggest gaming event in the UK, delayed due to a certain pandemic, but now, I was finally here, excited for a major announcement from Relic. I had caught word that this was going to be the Con where they’d give to their fans what they wanted out of Dawn of War 3 for so long.

Yes, the game managed to live long enough for it to get an expansion, much like with Dawn of War 2, but unlike the games before, it would be difficult to make them standalone, so I was eager to see if they’re planning on sticking with their older plans for expansions, or if they intended to make it a full upgrade to the game as a whole. That second possibility was exciting, they know the mistakes, and giving it one big fix and adding more into the mix with new factions, units and a whole new campaign was something that made my eyes spark with fantasies of Grimdark carnage.

Of course, the waiting was the worst part, it was going to be another hour before Relic came in to make their special announcements, and I had already passed the time trying out all the new indie-game booths this year, so now I was stuck in the food-court, eating away my boredom so as to not hog one of the games to myself the entire time.

“Quite the appetite you have, Stranger, so much that it risks spreading to another’s own meal.” I heard a voice say jokingly on the opposite side of the table I had sat at, looking over I find a man in an almost uncanny cosplay of the legendary merchant from Resident Evil 4… at first I had assumed it was someone I know I should stay away from, but I waved it off, it was you who was supposed to come to his store, not for him to come to you.

I immediately moved my hand away from the plate of fries that I had absently reached for earlier. “S-sorry, I didn’t realise someone was here, thanks for not taking offence… it’s funny, the Quarantines have all lifted and yet you’re the only one still wearing a mask.” I joked.

Seeming to not want to be outdone, I noticed his cheeks shift upward as he smirked, and he proceeded to open his robe to reveal… rolls of toilet paper. “Got a nice set of rare things still, stranger.”

I lost it, genuine, belly shaking laughter, that shouldn’t have been as funny as it was, but it felt so needed. It's nice to joke about all the chaos people caused during the first days of the disease. After that we just sat back and talked about why we were here, apparently his friend badgered him to sell a bunch of props he made while dressed as that to prank people, and when I mentioned my reasons to be there, the conversation took a turn into Warhammer 40k and its lore.

We talked a lot, about many of the things you’d expect, though it was a bit hard to keep up since the guy seemed to know a lot of the stories that I found difficult to get my hands on.

“Say, Stranger—”

“Eh, call me Ark, not my real name but...”

“...Very well, Ark, I have a rather strange question to ask.”

“Alright, shoot.”

“If you could be a chaos god, which one would it be?”

I blink, and look, that was a very good question. “... To be honest, I don’t think I could pick one, there’s things about all four of them I’d want to fix.”

“Fix?”

“Like, I know it was a rather joking series, but that TTS show put the thoughts in my mind, it kinda makes sense that the Chaos Gods were about following four major aspects of the universe, Survival, Change, Nature’s Cycle, and Experiences both bad and good, I mean I get they might have reasons for why they became asshats, but they have potential for good as well as bad… they just really wanted to be fucking assholes, but I wouldn’t. If I was Khorne, I’d want to have fights for the sake of honour, strength and justice! Not blood for blood’s sake. If I was Tzeentch, well, he’s a god of change, not of inconsistency, people always tend to think Chaos and Change need to be vastly different states, but then even the act of moving your hand from one place to another is change… that and I don’t think I’d care for using lies, even if I was deceiving someone, using the truth the right way is just as good as a fabricated lie. Nurgle… well Nurgle is stagnancy in some aspects, but he’s also of cycles, nature, life. I'd make all kinds of life, and cultivate existing ones, from microbes to fantastical creatures, and have them work within ecosystems or completely remake them! However, the biggest differences I would make would be if I was in the body of Slaanesh.”

“What would you do as… um… them?”

“Well for starters I’d remove that bullshit ambiguity they have, I mean… for fuck sake it’s like the Imperium, and hell, every Xenos race for that matter are actively psychically blocking the concept of Futa Porn! And hell, I’m surprised the original Slaanesh doesn’t have herself use female pronouns, it’s not like she’d have to lose the cock, go exclusively for guys, or be unable to tempt those who are sexually attracted to men considering she seduces beings that have no sex drives to begin with! Plus there’s also the kind of superiority she could’ve lorded over the other three by being the only ‘Goddess’ of the Dark Pantheon! Moving on from that, even if I had to rightfully fuck over the Eldar -- which is fine because fuck the Eldar -- by swallowing up the essence of all of their gods and only just missing out on their goddess Isha, I’d still be a bit more lenient with the whole thing! I’d probably try and be a replacement deity as an “apology” to their race, answer blessings and such, at the very least fix their little reproductive problems so I could keep feeding on their sexual exploits and all the new tasty souls that’d pop up, but other than that, I’d make it a point to be a goddess focused on good experiences, like pleasure, and art and love! It’s a lot easier to get people to worship and do things for you if you have it be things that feel good in the first place and not just things that are an acquired taste.”

“Hm… you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”

I shrugged. “I tend to have a crazy amount of free time, again, I’m not sure what reasons the gods have for what they do, but hey, I don’t want to be like that, just rampaging evil dickbags that only think with their ethereal stomachs and snatch souls for quick power boosts that they could get in far better, more long term ways! I mean, their existence was formed because of the thoughts and emotions of LIVING materium creatures for fuck sake, that’s a pretty big hint that eating souls isn’t the only way to get stronger.”

“I’d believe the ‘crazy amount of free time’ part… so, you’d want to be all four gods and try to be good versions of them.”

“Hey, it’d be difficult, but I’d want to do it, and like I said, Chaos does not have to be evil.”

“And… you’re certain that focusing on only half of the aspects of the dark gods would be stable?”

“Well I mean the normal Chaos Gods do that anyway and they seem fine, so there shouldn’t be a problem with me going for the more positive side of the Empyrean instead, right?”

He clapped happily. “I suppose not, tell you what Ark, take this.” he places down a strange black metal medallion, with golden details and in the shape of the eight-pointed star of chaos. “This has been the nicest conversation I’ve had at one of these conventions in years… sorry for leading you on like that.”

Oh fuck.

With a sigh, I pick up the item and look it over, knowing damn well if I was right, I was already doomed. “... this is the part where I get sent to Another World, innit?”

“Yup.”

“Fuck, okay, was waiting for the announcement even worth it?”

“No, the guys they partnered up with for the expansion got them to introduce Pay to Win and Loot-box mechanics.”

Somehow getting pushed into an alternate universe doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Was the last thing I thought before I blacked out.

The first thing I felt was… well it wasn’t really a headache, rather just this sense of fatigue and confusion, with a feeling of familiarity as I looked upon the strange alternate realm I sat within, the ethereal colors of Red/Blue/Green/Purple surrounding me with pulses of energy that seemed to Flow/Spark/Drift/Pulse through the ‘air’ told me of something unique, especially with the rather colorful yet mystical plane I was resting in, land masses that did yet also did not connect with each other in strange and unique ways, which seemed to reflect a strangely faded overlap of a more physical realm… considering what that Asshole/Merchant/Shitstain/Bitch had said, it wasn’t too hard to figure out that I was in the Warp… however the planet was not something I recognised immediately, yet the brief attempt to see if I could reach anywhere else in the galaxy proved to be a bad idea, as there seemed to be some massive psychic barrier in place, keeping me and the planet in or possibly everything else out, technically making it so the world had never felt the touch of Chaos or the other Grimdark powers… wasn’t exactly fun discovering the wall the hard way.

“Agh! Fuck, my head!”
“Agh! Fuck, my head!”
“Agh! Fuck, my head!”
“Agh! Fuck, my head!”

...Wait a minute… I immediately noted not only was my own voice rather Rough/Echoing/Deep/Female, I could sense three other voices much different from my own. Looking out, I managed to see three other colored realms similar to my own, and sitting in the centre of each, were three of the Chaos Gods staring at everyone else with the same sense of shock and confusion as I had, it seemed all except Khorne/Tzeentch/Nurgle/Slaanesh was present… but that’s when it hit me. Me and the other three deities of the Dark Pantheon immediately raised our right limbs into our view, I managed to get a good sight of the Claws/Tendrils/Stubby Fingers/Soft Womanly Hand that made up my own appendage, making it clear that I was the missing god of the four… and the realizations hit harder.

I looked at the other three beings, their expressions, emotions, epiphanies, they had all been just like my own, so there was no way I was a Displaced among three true Chaos Gods, and then, I remembered how my conversation with the Merchant ended with my decision that I couldn’t really choose between the four, that I would’ve rather been all of them. This revelation was met with a response I found justified, and as expected, the others agreed.

“Oh… FFFUCK US!!”

Author's Note

this was originally meant to be all color-coded, make the whole thing nice and dynamic... but Fimfiction likes to eat the color modifiers from Google Docs so instead you're just getting this like it is.

I would not be opposed to putting it back if someone could figure out how to paste the colors in without them being eaten so I don't have to manually set all the colors in over here.