My Little Golem

by Plonq

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Dark, Twilight Sparkle, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 10100

While animating the inanimate is not technically approved, it is not specifically forbidden either.

Forbidden magic is only forbidden when somebody explicitly forbids you to do it. This does not preclude possible consequences from engaging in poor magic practices.

Twilight Sparkle gets distracted in the middle of dabbling in questionable magics and things go downhill from there.

Published 2012-09-15 14:54:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-01 15:53:14 UTC

Cutie Mark Contretemps

“Spike, you shouldn’t feel threatened by this gem golem,” said Twilight Sparkle without looking up from her book. “Wasn’t it just last week that you called me a slave driver? Don’t you want a mindless servant who obeys every command without question?”

“I don’t know, Twilight,” said Spike hesitantly. He was wringing his hands nervously and looking up at the seven foot, sparkling monstrosity standing between two of the towering bookshelves. “The princess was pretty angry with you when your last creation went on a destructive rampage through the town. You promised her you wouldn’t do it again.”

The pony sighed and turned a page in the dusty book. It had taken a bit of digging to find My Fyrste Golem: Ye Darke Arte of Abominable Anymation in the dingier recesses of the Canterlot library. “I promised her that I wouldn’t reanimate the dead any more. I said nothing about golems,” said the purple unicorn. “Aren’t you looking forward to having another body around here to help with the cleaning and cooking? Won’t it be nice to have a meal that isn’t full of shed scales?”

“I guess,” said Spike, though he sounded less-than convinced. “But she won’t be happy if she has to wipe everypony’s memories again. She said it could cause brain damage and lead to the Pinkie-something-or-other.”

“Pinkiefaction,” said Twilight Sparkle primly. “If you erase a pony’s memory too many times, the mental discontinuity in their brains can lead them to a state of cognitive dissonance with regards to reality, like what happened to Pinkie Pie when the sonic rainboom scrambled her frontal lobe.” When she noticed that Spike was blinking mutely, obviously too confused to even formulate a question about her statement, she said, “It will make them loco in the coco. Don’t worry yourself, Spike. In a worst case scenario, if this gem golem doesn’t work out, you get to eat it. Now don’t break my concentration while I power up its heart.”

The young mare closed her eyes, drew a breath, and suddenly the air in the room became charged. If Spike had sported fur rather than scales, his hair would have been standing on end. When the pony began to murmur under her breath, the strange, arcane words nearly made his scales stand on end anyway. As she chanted, the room seemed to morph as if it was growing and shrinking at the same time. The air grew thick in the dragon's nostrils, and Spike felt as if he was building up a potential charge like the kind he would get from shuffling across the carpet before touching the unsuspecting Twilight Sparkle on the back of her ear.

It was only the introduction of a persistent, but polite rapping at the door that broke the magical mood in the room.

“Now who could that be?” said Twilight, shaking herself out of her magical reverie and trotting over to the door. She cracked it open just enough to poke her head through the egress. “Oh, hi Apple Bloom. What brings you here?”

“Mah cutie mark,” said the filly matter-of-factly, pushing past the older mare into the library without missing a beat.

“Oh, your cutie mark,” said Twilight Sparkle dryly, back-pedalling to keep the filly in full view. “What a surprise.” She paused a moment and added, “Wait, why aren’t you in school?”

“Ah told Miss Cheerilee that ah felt another case of cutie pox comin’ on,” said Apple Bloom. “So she told me to go home an’ rest up. Sis says all that education stuff just fills mah little filly head with funny ideas that I don’t need anyway.” The young filly seemed to notice the golem for the first time, and her gaze fixed on it while she spoke. “I was talkin’ to Granny Smith about it again today, an’ I asked her if getting mah cutie mark would make other girlie issues start to happen. She said somethin’ about cutie marks being one of life’s little miracles, an’ then told me ah should come into town and talk to you about it.”

“Good old Granny Smith, always so full of wisdom,” said Twilight Sparkle tightly. “You’ll get your cutie mark when it’s your time, sweetie.” As she was speaking, she locked eyes with Spike over the back of the oblivious filly and made frantic head motions toward the kitchen.

“Is that there thing supposed to be flashing yellowy green?” asked Apple Bloom, staring up at the giant golem.

Twilight Sparkle spun in alarm. “What? No! I mean, things flash all the time in here. You know the library, always full of flashy things,” she said with exaggerated glibness, stepping furtively between the filly and the golem. She gifted the young pony with a cheesy, disarming grin. “So what did you want to ask me about cutie marks?”

Apple Bloom bobbed left and right, trying to see past the mare. “Well, I still ain’t got it for one thing,” said the filly, momentarily conceding defeat to the older pony. “And ain’t it s’posed to be from something you’re good at?” She looked imploringly into the older pony’s eyes. “The problem is I ain’t good at much of anything but whining. I don’t want a cutie mark for whining.”

“Oh, Apple Bloom,” said Twilight Sparkle with a forced, commiserative laugh. “I’m sure you are good at more things than whining – in fact I think you should head over and talk to Rarity. She can teach you how to complain instead.”

Rather than being appeased, the young filly seemed discomfited by the news. She lowered her gaze and shifted uncomfortably on her hooves. “But I don’t like whining or complaining,” she said sadly. “Ah haven’t ever told this to my sister,” she said, reducing her voice to a nervous, conspiratorial whisper, “but ah don’t really fancy apples very much neither. What if my cutie mark is something apple related? Ah might be good at something I really hate!” Tears welled up in the young pony’s eyes. “Twilight, what if mah cutie mark is for something I don’t like? Haven’t you noticed how a lot of cutie marks match the pony’s name? Mah name is Apple Bloom, so maybe it’s predisposed or sum’in.”

“Apple Bloom, look at me,” said Twilight Sparkle firmly. She had to raise her voice a bit to be heard over the growing hum from the golem. Apple Bloom raised her head and looked at the older pony. “Actually, look just a bit to my left,” amended the purple mare. “A bit more… perfect!”

“OK, I’m lookin’ over there, but what…” began the filly.

WHANG!

Apple Bloom’s red bow flew across the room as she crumpled to the floor. The dragon, who had crept up behind her unseen, dropped the cast iron pan he had been holding.

“That hurt!” he said sourly.

“Oh, I’m sure she didn’t feel a thing,” said Twilight Sparkle, “Though I think somepony is going to have a bit of a headache when she awakens.”

“It hurt me,” said Spike, wringing his hands together tenderly. “My claws are ringing. Why did we have to knock her silly?”

“Spike, Spike, Spike,” admonished Twilight Sparkle as she levitated the limp pony and started winding her way toward the back door. “Get her ribbon and I will explain on the way. We need to get her out of here.”

Spike bustled over to grab the ribbon, casting a furtive sidelong glance at the golem that was now starting to vibrate along with its chartreuse pulsing and hum.

“She was starting to ask forbidden questions,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Ponies are not supposed to question predestination, or it may lead them to thinking about free will, and how everything in their lives seems to be scripted.”

“Oh, right,” said Spike. “The Lorax.. er, Lorry…”

“The Lauran effect,” said the the pony with a mixture of pride and affection. “You have been listening. Now let's find somepony to keep little Miss Apple Bloom distracted while we come back and clean up..."

The rest of her words were cut off as Spike closed the door behind them.

Meanwhile in the library, the golem’s shaking became more violent before it suddenly stilled. Gem scales flaked away from its head, revealing malevolent, glowing red eyes. Its gaze turned languidly left and right, sweeping the room in an unearthly radiance as it took in its surroundings. With a sound reminiscent of crushing stones, it raised a leg and took a tentative step forward.

Then another.

Fabulousity

Rarity had an unspoken agreement with her friends; if the door is open then you are welcome to come in. If it is closed, then you are still welcome, but you will be interrupting design work. When this selfsame work was disrupted by a persistent knock at the door, she carefully rolled up her measuring tape and muttered, "Oh do please be a paying client." Business had been a bit slow over the summer months and she was using the down time to arrange her fall lineup. She was seldom in a visiting mood when she was in the zone. If it were her friends, she would be forced to engage in shallow pleasantries. She might even have to maintain an elegant air of magnanimous tolerance thinly overlaying injured vexation. How tiring!

She quickly coiffed her mane back into shape with a hoof and composed her expression before she approached the door. As she walked, she quietly rehearsed a pleasant brush-off for her friends. "What an unexpected surprise! It is delightful to see you, dahlings, and if I had the time, I would love to show you the line of fall fashions I have been working on today." If it was a customer, the responses flowed automatically. Rarity was a natural born salespony who, in her father's words, "could sell dirt to an Earth pony if you put her mind to it."

When she opened the door, she was slightly relieved to see Twilight Sparkle on the other side. Of all her friends, Twilight was the least likely to demand a lot of her time. As the least gregarious of her friends, the young unicorn generally had paying business in mind rather than idle chat when she stopped by the shop. Spike was perched high on her back, and as usual he was obviously first dressing and then undressing Rarity with his eyes despite his best efforts not to. Before she could utter her rehearsed greeting, Rarity noticed the state of Apple Bloom.

The filly was standing – barely – by Twilight Sparkle's left forequarter. Her mane was a tussled mess, and where her bow should have been was a hastily knotted ball of fabric. As the filly wobbled on her feet, her pupils were alternately dilating and contracting to pin dots. Rarity gasped.

"Oh my goodness," said Rarity, aghast, "dahling, what happened to your precious little bumpkin bow?"

"NOT THE ROOT CELLAR AGAIN, GRANNY SMITH!" yelled Apple Bloom in alarm, unfocused eyes staring vacantly into space.

"I really, really hate to impose," said Twilight Sparkle, shimmying hastily in front of the teetering filly and donning the self-effacing grin of one who really really hated to impose. "Apple Bloom stopped by the library for a visit this morning, but something urgent just came up, and I wondered if you would mind terribly watching her for a bit." She flinched at the sound of a rumble and crash in the distance, biting her lip and dancing from hoof to hoof as she glanced furtively over her shoulder. "Also, something landed on her head and I think she might have minor brain damage."

"Mind? Why, I would be delighted," said Rarity, whose keen brain had already spotted an opportunity in the situation. "I was hoping to work on my fall filly fashion line today, and now I have a perfect model. Come Apple Bloom, we'll have you looking fabulous again in no time." She extended an invisible magical tentacle and gave the filly a little nudge in the rump, pushing her toward the open door. Rarity turned and called back into the shop, "You can take a break if you like. I've got a real filly now." She was answered by a meow of relief, and the sound of a cat jumping down from the work table.

"Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers," slurred the filly as she tottered unsteadily into the shop. Rarity quickly followed her inside, and shut the door.

"Maybe I should stay too and hel…" Spike started to say, but Rarity did not hear the rest over the latching of the door.

In short order, Rarity had the young filly looking proper and presentable again. The little yellow pony was less wobbly, but still seemed to be a bit more dazed than usual. The mare coaxed the young pony up onto the fitting stand and immediately launched into a flurry of cutting and measuring. She kept up a constant banter as she draped fabrics over the filly and cut them into shape.

"You're a lovely model – you complain much less than Sweetie Belle. I wish you were not yellow and red though, it makes it such a challenge to match colours that don't clash. Still, you have your sister's full flank, which will help me flesh out my more voluptuous fits."

There was a sound in the distance, reminiscent of rending wood and breaking glass. Rarity paused. "Oh dear, I hope city hall isn't collapsing again," she said aloud, with the hollow concern that came of practice. She contemplated heading outside for a look, but once you had seen city hall collapse enough times, it all started to look the same. "Where was I? Oh yes, let's just pin this here…"

"Ow!"

"Oh dear, I am sorry!" said Rarity sincerely. "You stretch out the fabric more than I was anticipating. I take pride in not injuring my models. Pray tell me you are all right."

"I'm fine," said Apple Bloom slowly. "I've had much worse down on the farm." While she spoke, she was blinking in confusion and looking around the shop. "If you don't mind me askin', Miss Rarity, what am I doin' here?"

"You are helping me to design my fall fashion line," soothed Rarity. She quickly basted two pieces of fabric together with a couple of flourished stitches and draped them over the filly. She eyed her handiwork, wrinkled her muzzle in disapproval and flung the fabric into the growing pile in the corner.

"Oh," said Apple Bloom. She was silent for a long while before she spoke again, enunciating slowly as if thoughts were still coming hard for her. She winced, and rubbed her head gently with a hoof. "I think I must have hit mah head somewhere. It hurts somethin' fierce, and mah memories are kind of scrambled. The last thing I remember, I was heading up to talk to Miss Twilight about mah cutie mark, and then suddenly here I am."

"Well, I know a thing or two about cutie marks," said Rarity. "Now chin up dear, I need to fit the silk neck piece. You are very good at this. Perhaps this is your calling."

Apple Bloom was quick to voice her disapproval. "I don't reckon I want to be a pin cushion when I grow up," she said sadly. "Ah have aspirations. I want to be… eep!" She finished with a squeak of surprise as Rarity whisked all of the fabrics away from her and stacked them on the table.

"All done," said Rarity, spinning her measuring tape into a roll and laying it on top of the pile. "I will sew it together later." She turned and wrapped her right foreleg around the filly, pulling her in for a reassuring hug. "Cutie marks don't work that way, Apple Bloom. You cannot just order your cutie mark to appear; it has to come to you naturally. It may not be what you expect, but when it comes, you will realize that it is what you wanted all along." Rarity extended her left hoof and pointed it in an arc around the shop. "It could be anything."

"Anything?" breathed Apple Bloom in excitement as her wide eyes followed the sweep of the mare's hoof.

"Well, within reason, dahling," said Rarity quickly. "Don't set your sights too high; after all, you're just an earth pony."

The filly looked like she was trying to muster up a suitable reply when she felt the ground tremble slightly. She exchanged a quick glance with Rarity, and assumed her expression probably matched the mare's puzzled look. "You felt that too?" she asked.

The two ponies stood in silence for a moment, staring toward the front door. They could now clearly hear the sound of shouting and screaming outside. There was another crash, closer this time.

"Whatever is going on out there?" wondered Rarity with a tiny tremor of concern in her voice, but neither of them made a move toward the door.

"Spike, get away from there!" came a familiar shout from the other side of the wall. A moment later, there was a tremendous thud, and a noise that Apple Bloom would later describe as like the sound of Big Mac running the apple cart over a wooden crate of milk bottles, but being played backward. "Put that down," shouted Twilight Sparkle again from the other side of the wall. "I command you to put that down."

Now the two ponies did head over to the door. Rarity flung it open and then shrieked as a milk cart crashed to the ground a few feet from her shop, spraying glass, milk, and wood splinters in an arc in front of it.

"I said to put it down, not throw it," yelled Twilight Sparkle, glaring up at something out of sight to their left. "You're a bad golem!"

"It must be that that thing she was buildin' in her library," said Apple Bloom with a quaver in her voice as she backed further into the shop again.

Rarity looked back in puzzlement. "What thing ?" she asked.

"Th… that thing," whimpered the filly, rearing up and pointing out the door with her left hoof.

Rarity looked outside as the "thing" walked into sight. This time she did not shriek. She screamed. Three heads turned toward the sound; Spike, Twilight Sparkle, and the golem.

"Rarity, no!" said Twilight Sparkle frantically. "Get back inside and close the door. It's attracted to noises. It feeds on fear."

The white pony tried to obey. She tried to step back into her shop, but she had locked eyes with the thing, and suddenly her legs did not want to work. Its crimson gaze was the end of joy, life, love and everything that made life fabulous. In a distant, less paralyzed part of her mind she heard somepony screaming and realized that it was her. She also heard another shout from nearby.

"Spike, get inside!" A moment later, something heavy and purple tackled her head over flank back into the shop as the door slammed shut behind them.

Rarity stood, panting now that the spell of the creature's gaze was broken.

"Twilight Sparkle," she demanded between gasps, "what is that horrifying, yet strangely alluring gem-encrusted thing?"

"Rarity," replied the other unicorn, "I think I may have done a bad thing."

I Gave You One Job

"Twilight Sparkle," said Rarity in a stern tone laced with a delicate fringe of mild hysteria. "Please tell me that you did not do something silly, like reanimate the dead." The white mare's nostrils were flared in alarm. She had pulled herself back to her feet, and was facing the door with her legs splayed and head lowered in a defensive stance.

"Reanimate the dead?" said Twilight Sparkle a little too glibly. She gave a quick, nervous chuckle as if the idea was too silly to contemplate. "That would be reckless and dangerous. Especially after last..." She clamped her mouth shut with an audible click of teeth and pulled herself back to all four feet. As she was standing, her eyes darted around the room for ideas. The purple unicorn was not a violent mare as a rule; in fact she avoided conflict by nature, and considered violence to be the last refuge of scoundrels. Still, she would not have turned up her horn at an obvious weapon in the seamstress' shop. A Golem Friendship Ray would have been awesome, for instance. "Why would I ever want to reanimate the dead?" she continued cagily. "You have no memory of me doing that, do you?"

"You don't have to belabour the point, it was just a question," said Rarity tersely. Her nostrils flared again and she gave an angry whicker. "I don't care so much for the walls if it busts in here because the paint is starting to look a little shabby, but if that thing so much as rustles the faux fur fringe on my Let It Snow pre-winter line…" she said, scraping the ground menacingly with a hoof. "It shall know the wrath of a seamstress wronged!"

"Say, why ain't that thing tried to break through the wall yet?" asked Apple Bloom shakily. She lifted the hoof that had been covering her left eye while she cowered on the floor and peeked toward the door. "I was sure we was goners, but now I don't even hear him."

"That's a good question," said Twilight Sparkle in a tone that betrayed equal parts relief and puzzlement. In her short dealings with the creature, she had found that once it fixated on a target, it would dumbly pursue it over – or usually through – any obstacle in its way. The longer she thought about it, the more she wondered why there were not gemmed fists busting through the walls and showering the ponies with tacky rococo decor and shabby paint.

"Ungh," moaned Spike dramatically. The poor little dragon was curled into a foetal position, lying on his side and cradled in his own tail. Rarity gasped.

"Spikey?" she cried in alarm. She abandoned her adorably aggressive pose and bolted over to the hapless dragon. She swept him up in one motion, and reared up so that she could hold him in a protective embrace. "Poor little Spikey Wikey. What did that big, awful creature do to you?"

"Uh, Rarity," began Twilight Sparkle uneasily.

"Urp! Rarity," gasped Spike in distress.

"Hush, don't try to talk," said Rarity gently, then her eyes steeled. She hugged Spike close with one foreleg, and she shook her free hoof angrily toward the front door. "Poor little Spike, this atrocity will not go unpunished. Somepony will avenge you. Your grievous injuries will not be in vain."

"Rarity, he's not injured," said Twilight Sparkle dryly.

Apple Bloom eyed the diminutive dragon carefully as he struggled weakly in the bigger pony's grip. "I'd be careful how hard you squeeze him, Miss Rarity," warned the filly. "Leastwise after ah seen what happened with some of our hogs back on the farm."

"In her homey, backward way, Apple Bloom has it basically right," said Twilight Sparkle reassuringly. "He's not hurt, but he's very, very full. The little piggy has been gnawing the golem down one bite at a time, but he's only a tiny dragon."

"So evil… b-but so tasty…" stammered Spike weakly, "Rarity, I know I will hate myself later for saying this, but could you please not hug me so tight?" The pony loosened her grip, but before Spike could breathe a sigh of relief, there was a tremendous THUD from the door, and suddenly he found himself crushed again as two more ponies joined into a trembling group hug. Somewhere deep in the reptilian recesses of his brain, a slightly smug little voice said, "A guy could get used to this." Outwardly though, he said something much closer to "Gah!" as the air was forced from his lungs, and he barely managed to not regurgitate half-digested gems all over Rarity.

"Hey, since when do you lock this thing?" demanded an indignant voice from the other side of the door.

"Rainbow Dash?" said Rarity and Twilight Sparkle in unison. Rarity's horn flared white and the door flew open.

Another unicorn would immediately recognize that Rarity executed a simple change state spell, which altered the potential of the bolt lock and the door. She merely switched them from their current rest state of "locked" and "closed", to their simplest alternate potential state of "unlocked" and "open". Although she would never say as much to her friend's face, Twilight Sparkle found the choice to be inelegant and its execution uncharacteristically crude. This was what separated the seamstresses from the scholars in unicorns.

An earth pony would have watched it with a mix of awe and distrust, viewing it on the same level of magical miracle as water transformed to cider, or hay into apples. Earth ponies also struggled to understand things like tides and magnets, which is likely why most of them tended to end up in careers such as garbage collectors, farmers, bakers or pole dancers.

Finally, pegasus ponies were dimly aware that other, different ponies existed. They seldom bothered themselves in the affairs of the ground-pounding breeds, magical or otherwise. At best, a pegasus might have noticed that the closed door was now open and given no further thought as to how it arrived at that state. Pegasus ponies had a well-deserved reputation for being narcissistic, boastful and brash. Still, for all their faults, at least they weren't earth ponies.

"There you guys are," said Rainbow Dash with a hint of recrimination in her voice. That she had flown headfirst into a closed door only moments before was quickly pushed from her short term memory as unimportant. She fanned her wings excitedly; stirring up small eddies of dirt from the flower boxes outside. She stopped flapping long enough to fix the other three girls with a disapproving, and slightly perplexed frown. "Why are you all standing in here doing a group hug? You're missing all the awesome excitement outside!"

Twilight Sparkle ignored the question. "If you're out there, then where is the golem?" she asked, donning her own perplexed frown. The ponies remained in their tight group embrace.

"He's on his way toward city hall," said Rainbow Dash. "He's smashing everything in his path." As if in reply, they heard a distant scream and the sound of wood splintering.

"Why would he go after city hall?" asked Apple Bloom. The three other ponies blinked at her as if she'd suddenly started speaking in tongues.

"Well... of course he would" said Rainbow Dash. She pointed a wingtip at the filly and looked pensive for moment as if actually considering the question, then shrugged. "You'll understand when you're older, kid." She made a show of polishing a hoof on her chest. "I thought you guys might want to come out and see me in action, because that monster is going down." The others finally extricated themselves from their mass hug – much to Spike's relief – and trotted, blinking, out into the street.

"With the two of you helping, we might have a chance," said Twilight Sparkle. "I wish Applejack were here too, but at least Pinkie Pie's not around." She pulled a roll of parchment and a quill out of thin air and magically held them aloft. "Now we just need to formulate a plan of attack…"

Rainbow Dash launched herself into the air and hovered a few feet above the other ponies' heads. "Way ahead of you, sister," she said. "This situation calls for action, not plans, and the wheels are in motion. All I need you girls to do is stay in the clear and watch the show." She reared up in swung a couple of air punches with her forelimbs. "I know you're used to seeing me do amazing things, but could you try and look extra impressed today? Some extra whoops and applause would help. With all the noise and excitement, there might be important people watching me work." With a flick of her tail and a beat of her wings, she turned and began a swoop toward city hall before pulling up short. She swung back around over the other three ponies and dropped a small shower of leaflets.

"Oh ya, and make sure you hand these out to anypony who looks important." With a powerful beat of her blue wings she streaked off toward city hall. Twilight Sparkle picked up one of the leaflets and felt a swell of pride in her chest.

"Rainbow Dash is super grate and would make a awesum Wonderbölt."

"Wow, even I can see she can't spell so good," said Apple Blossom as she dutifully scooped up the leaflets.

"You should have seen her writing before all my tutoring," said Twilight Sparkle, who was also gathering up her friend's flyers.

In a whoosh of wind, Rainbow Dash swooped back over the others and hovered in place, scattering the rest of her ungathered papers to the wind. "OK, so I was giving some thought to that whole 'planning' thing you mentioned," she said, making air quotes with her hooves. "And I'm willing to entertain ideas. Should I drop pumpkins on its head, or do a sonic rainboom?"

"You can't just use a physical attack against this thing. It has no soul. It can't feel pain." said Twilight Sparkle. "This is going to require cunning and subtlety, and the three of us working together."

Rainbow dash rubbed her chin with the back of her right hoof in thought. "OK, I think I see where you're going with this. Sonic rainboom it is." She gave a broad wave to the three on the ground. "Later, skaters. Love to talk, but I've got a town to save. Let's see how this guy likes a sonic rainboom to the face." Before the others could respond, the pegasus pumped her powerful wings and swooped toward city hall, climbing high above the tops of the buildings as she flew.

"Wait!" called Twilight Sparkle in desperation as the three took off toward the centre of the town, leaflets scattering in their wake as they ran. As they slid to a stop near the scene of pending carnage, they could just see the pegasus climbing into the sky.

"Twilight," said Rarity frantically laying a hoof on the other unicorn's shoulder. "If she does her sonic rainboom, won't that shatter every gem in it? There has to be a better way. Those poor gems!"

The purple pony shook her head. "She won't shatter the gems, Rarity. I built this thing, and I know what it can withstand. She will shatter every window in Ponyville if she does a sonic rainboom that close to the ground, but all she will do to the golem is anger it."

"How could she make it any angrier?" asked Apple Bloom. "It's already smashin' everything. What'll it do, smash things to even smaller bits?"

"Hey!" called a distant voice above them. "How am I supposed to do this if you're not paying attention? I gave you girls one job. One job. Watch and cheer."

"I guess she's right," sighed Twilight Sparkle. "Let's watch her do her thing. At best it works, and at this point I don't think she could possibly make things worse." Spike shot her an askance look of disapproval.

The ponies dutifully watched as the blue pegasus quickly dwindled to a tiny speck in the sky. Even the dim golem seemed to figure out something was afoot, and it turned its crimson gaze toward the heavens. A hush of anticipation fell over the town, and in the silence many later swore they heard a distant cry of, "Geronimo!" As they watched, the speck in the sky began to grow in size, leaving visible vapour trails in its wake as it gained speed. The air itself seemed to stretch around the pony as she drove toward the ground, distorting like a latex balloon under the point of a dull needle.

As she neared the ground, it became obvious that the winged pony was performing a parabolic fly-over. At the lowest point of her arc, exactly ten feet above the head of the golem, the air around her erupted with the force of a housing bubble in an explosion that was felt more than heard. Ripples of rainbow-coloured air roiled away from the centre of the blast as the shock-wave thundered over the city with the force of the Friendship Express.

"Eeeeeeyaaaaa!" came the triumphant, doppler-shifted yell of Rainbow Dash as she swooped over her friends in the upward arc of her curve. A rainbow contrail followed as she passed. "Nailed it!"

Although they would later discover other consequences of the low-altitude sonic rainboom, like the birth of a two-headed pig and the collapse of Mrs Cake's prize flan, there were four immediate results. The first was that, as Twilight Sparkle had predicted, every window in Ponyville shattered. The second was that every pony within one hundred yards of the blast was sent tumbling by the force of it. The quite-unshattered golem became angered, and finally it glowed a bright shade of puce and grew to half again its size.

Finally Apple Bloom stared deep into the heart of the sonic rainboom. Her mouth fell agape, and her pupils dilated until her irises were just a memory. She stood, transfixed for several seconds before she shut her eyes tight and gave her head a violent shake.

"Ah have looked into the heart of the fire of friendship, and I have seen the truth! Cutie marks are preordained by our names at birth. Free will is an illusion!" she cried in despair. "We are kept in the servitude of blissful ignorance and ruled by a cult of personality."

As luck would have it, Twilight Sparkle was there to break Spike's fall when he was sent flying by the blast. Perhaps it was luckier for Spike than it was for the pony, who ended up with a nasty bruise to the brisket as a result. It also afforded him the opportunity to elbow her gently in the ribs and say, "Eh? Eh? Nice foreshadowing."

"This is not my fault," she said defensively, "but I will admit that I was wrong. Apparently she could make things worse."

Dear Princess Celestia

“Oh! This is awful, simply awful!” wailed Rarity. Even as she uttered those words, a makeshift patch from City Hall's previous ravages peeled away and crumbled to the ground in a rainbow-coloured cloud of dust. Fat tears welled up in her eyes as she regained her feet and shook debris out of her ruffled coat.

The mare’s lament could have applied to almost anything that had happened so far that day, so Twilight Sparkle took a shot in the dark. “Don’t pay any attention to Apple Bloom's nihilistic ramblings, Rarity. She’s just a confused little filly!” she said.

“Ramblings? What ramblings?” cried the other unicorn. “I’m talking about my coiffure! I spent all day in the parlour yesterday and now just look at it. No, I mean don’t look at it!” She raised her right foreleg to brush a splinter of wood out of her mane and gasped between tears. “I chipped a hoof! I can’t be seen out in the town looking like this!” The mare reared around and began galloping through the debris field back toward her boutique.

“Rarity, wait,” called Twilight Sparkle. She half turned to follow the mare, but on her other side she heard Apple Bloom talking again.

“…and that’s why all truth is malleable.” The young filly had accosted a confused stallion and was shouting earnestly in his face.

“But surely consensus reveals the preferred truth,” countered the stallion.

“All things are subject to interpretation,” retorted Apple Bloom. She had grabbed the poor pony on either side of his muzzle and was boring into his eyes with the fanatical passion of her gaze. “Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.”

“She’s got a point there, Twilight,” said Spike, who had wandered up to stand by the mare’s left flank. He took a step back again when he noticed that the mare was panting through bared teeth, and her eyes had taken on a slightly wild look that usually spelled danger.

“Spike, good,” she said with an unnerving calm. “Take down some notes while I assess this situation. Apple Bloom is spreading dangerous philosophical dissension, Rarity is freaking out over trivial things - well, that's normal at least - and Rainbow Dash just broke every window in Ponyville.” There was a metallic rending sound as the freshly-enraged golem tore the metal bow off a recently completed interpretive art piece in the town square. “And there goes Leon Trot’s Key,” added Twilight Sparkle. She graced Spike with a wild-eyed smile that was anything but reassuring. “This is bad, really bad, but I think I have the inklings of a plan to salvage some good out of this.”

Spike was not shy about voicing his dissenting opinion. “I dunno Twilight,” he said. The little dragon had quietly moved to place the larger pony between himself and the golem. “From my angle down here, I’d say we’re pretty screwed.”

“That’s the voice of defeatism, Spike,” said the unicorn with a reproachful tone, "but sometimes I forget that you're a baby dragon, and you lack the maturity to see the bigger picture." Her horn flared mauve and a nearby flower pot righted itself. She extended her reach a bit more and a broom and dustpan quickly flew into action, sweeping up the spilled dirt around it. “See? It's like nothing ever happened,” she said with a chilling giggle, as the dustpan emptied its contents into the pot. “We just need to start with the small things and the rest will fall into place. In fact, I think I feel a song about that coming on right now...”

“That was awesome,” yelled a voice from above and behind Twilight Sparkle.

“Thank you,” said the unicorn, and for a moment her smile flickered to something more genuine. She had discarded the broom and dustpan, and was righting a table and two chairs. She flinched slightly at the distant sound of a golem putting its huge fist through one of the remaining walls of city hall.

“Not you, me,” said Rainbow Dash who was hovering overhead and patting her chest with both hooves. “Did you see me out there just now? “ She pumped her right hoof for emphasis. “Boom! I painted this town in rainbow. I was amazing!”

The appearance of the pegasus appeared to pull Twilight Sparkle a few hoofs back from the brink of madness. “Amazing? That's one word for it, I guess,” she said sarcastically. “I mean, you managed to break every window in town and empowered the golem even more.”

Rainbow Dash gave a pleasant, if slightly dismissive laugh. “Eh,” she said lightly as she buffed a hoof and admired it in the flickering firelight of a shop that had caught fire, “you’re so five minutes ago. Stop trying to make this not about me. You have to admit that was a pretty impressive sonic rainboom.”

“It was pretty impressive,” said Spike.

“Well, yes, it was impressive,” admitted Twilight Sparkle sheepishly. “It made me tingly in all the good ways, but I really thought you were going to hurt yourself doing it.” At first Spike nodded emphatically in agreement before his expression twisted to one of perplexion as he glanced askance at the unicorn.

“Yes!” cried Rainbow Dash, pumping her right foreleg in the air triumphantly. She held a hoof to the side of her muzzle and lowered her voice. “Hold that thought for later." She dashed a quick circle overhead and continued, "Sometimes you really do seem to get me Twilight Sparkle. I think that’s why you’re my favourite pony - after me, of course.” The young pegasus did a powder-blue back-flip of delight in midair and rolled out of it into an upward glide. “Gotta run,” she called over her shoulder. “I’m going to go see if any Wonderbolts witnessed my awesomeness.”

Spike waved to the parting pony and then yelped in surprise as he found himself wrapped in purple forelegs and tumbling backward violently. A moment later, a large part of the cheap, plaster frieze from city hall crashed to the ground where they had been standing.

“OK, Spike, I guess it's time to admit it,” said Twilight Sparkle as she gently placed her sidekick back on his feet in front of her. She held her head low with her ears laid back in defeat. “It's possible that a golem spell is above my current magic tier. It’s time to appeal to a higher power while there is enough of Ponyville to be worth saving.”

“You mean…?” Spike jabbed a fore-claw meaningfully toward the sky.

“Yes,” said the unicorn, “Spike, take a letter.”

The dragon held up the quill and parchment roll he'd readied earlier with the nib poised over the paper, staring at Twilight Sparkle expectantly. The purple unicorn paced back and forth in front of him, visibly composing a letter in her head. Her eyes brimmed with tears, as much from humiliation as from the smoke and dust that was permeating the air of Ponyville.

The mare often paced while she thought, and this instance required some especially deep thinking. She would have to word the letter in such a way as to elicit help without necessarily ceding culpability; the blaming and hoof-pointing could come later. “Dear Princess Celestia,”

“Dear… Princess… Celestia…” muttered Spike as he scratched out the words onto the parchment.

“HELP!!!”

“HELP…” he paused. “That's all capitalized, right? How many exclamation points was that?”

“Yes, and three,” said the pony. “I know that it is not grammatically correct, but I want to emphasize the direness of the situation.”

Spike rubbed his jaw thoughtfully with his index talon, being careful not to touch himself with the tip of the quill. “Are you sure you won’t want to use four or five then?” he asked, “because things look pretty bad.”

“Just three,” said Twilight Sparkle with a wan, indulgent smile as she nudged him gently out of the way of a falling piece of concrete. “More isn’t always better.” With a purple pulse of her horn, she flipped the little dragon onto her back and galloped out of the path of some wall sloughing off the burning shop nearby. “You will understand when you’re older.”

When they were clear, Spike hopped off her back again and and tossed her a frown of disapproval over the condescending tone. He dutifully wrote in three exclamation marks, but his skeptical grimace suggested that he felt that the situation definitely warranted a few more.

“Now sign it your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle and read it back to me,” she said.

Spike scratched out the final words, cleared his throat and read back the note. “Dear Princess Celestia comma HELP exclamation exclamation exclamation Your faithful student comma Twilight Sparkle period”

The pony frowned. “You remembered to capitalize the word princess, right? In this context it is part of a proper name, and I was so embarrassed the last time when…”

“TWILIGHT!” implored Spike.

“I suppose you’re right,” said Twilight Sparkle, wringing her hooves nervously. “I’m sure that given the gravity of the situation, she won’t send me to remedial grammar school again for such a minor infraction.”

Spike rolled up the scroll, held it in the tip of his claws and launched it into the ether in a wash of green flames.

"You did capitalize it though, right?"

The little dragon crossed his arms and looked down his snout at Twilight Sparkle. "In all the excitement, I don't remember," he said, "but what does a baby dragon know about capitalization?"

The unicorn sighed and shelved the topic for another day, but it was clear to both that the dragon would pay for his impudence later. She tapped her hooves together in thought. “The princess moves her lips when she reads, Spike, so that gives us a few minutes to coordinate our alibis before she responds!” She was going to say more, but she noticed that the golem had gone ominously quiet. Twilight Sparkle frowned and turned. "That can't be good. Now what is it up to....!" The golem had turned its attention from destroying property and was now focusing its confused, baleful attention on something small and bouncy and very very pink.

“Pinkie Pie, no!” yelled Twilight Sparkle.

Friendship is Delicious

If Pinkie Pie heard the other pony's cry of alarm, she gave no indication. Spike raised a foreclaw as if he were going to make a sardonic observation about her, but what he said instead was, "Oof," as he found himself flung unceremoniously onto the unicorn's back as she broke into a gallop toward the earth pony.

“Pinkie, what are you doing? Don't you understand that thing is dangerous!” called Twilight Sparkle as they neared.

"Oh, hi Twilight," said Pinkie brightly. She was holding a cake balanced on one upturned hoof, but she waved cheerily with the other. "Dangerous?" The pink pony scrunched up her muzzle in confusion for a moment, then grinned again. "Oh, do you mean Mr. Stompy? That's what I've named him because he stomps on things. I asked him his name, but then I was all like, 'Silly Pinkie Pie, golems don't have mouths.' Then I realized that without a mouth, he probably hasn't eaten anything, and I know if I hadn't eaten anything in my whole existence that I'd get really hangry too, so I baked him a cake."

The golem seemed to be slightly perplexed by the pink pony who was not running away. It balled its tremendous jewelled fist and drew it back for a killing blow. As Pinkie Pie continued talking, it seemed to reconsider, and lowered its fist again. Instead, it slowly raised its enormous leg and moved its foot over the pony's head for a good solid stomp. The earth pony seemed oblivious to the enormous foot poised to squash her like a bug, even though she had to bob her head left and right to see around it.

“Hi there Mr. Stompy, I couldn't help but notice you were ravaging Ponyville, and I realized I've never seen you ravaging Ponyville before, so that must mean you're new here. We don't see many golems around town - especially not big stompy ones - and I thought this calls for a cake!" The pink pony reared up on her hind legs and peered up at the golem around the side of his enormous foot. What she did not apparently do was stop for breath while speaking. "I made this cake for you. Sorry that there's a dent in it because a piece of the ceiling came down while I was baking it but I tried to fill it in with icing and I put a sugar flower there to hide it. It says Happy Animate Existence Day but I might have misspelled animate - or maybe existence." Her radiant smile flickered slightly as she added, "Mister Cake usually doesn't let me do the lettering, so I'm a bit out of practise."

The golem paused, and its glaring red eyes flicked on and off several times in what the ponies interpreted to be confused blinking. Finally it lowered its foot, and its body cracked and groaned as it leaned forward, cocking its head in puzzlement as it eyed the pink pony, then the cake in its hooves, then the pony again.

“Go ahead, it's for you," burbled Pinkie Pie. She hiked herself up a bit taller, bobbing the cake meaningfully toward the golem. "I baked some pie weights into it because I thought Pinkie Pie, here's a guy who needs his minerals!" The golem made an abortive reach for the cake, and then hesitated again. “It’s okay, Missus Cake wasn't watching when I used the good chocolate in this one," said Pinkie Pie in a stage whisper, giving the golem a conspiratorial wink. "It's a friendship cake. Oh, right, you just came into existence, so I'll explain it. I baked a friendship cake for you. You eat the friendship cake that I give you, and then we’re friends.”

Endus Maximus

Slowly, as if the concept of obedience were alien to it, the golem slowly reached out an enormous hand and gingerly gripped the cake between two fingers. It looked more like a muffin in its gigantic hand.

The moment it took the cake, the world turned to gold.

At first Twilight Sparkle was confused, then she realized that it had not literally turned to gold, but rather it was bathed in a golden light. She noticed that the ponies around her had stopped moving, not as if they were frozen in awe, but as if time had stopped for them. Her throat closed up slightly as she understood what was coming next.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE, EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” boomed a regal voice from above them.

“Princess Celestia,” said Twilight Sparkle, grovelling furiously. Spike dutifully bowed next to her. “I'm so sorry about that letter. I told Spike that the word Princess was supposed to be capitalized in that context, but he’s at that rebellious age. Also, I may have animated a golem and it went ... a tiny bit berserk.” She forced what she hoped were sufficient tears of regret to her face and looked up to meet the eyes of the princess. Celestia had alighted daintily in between her student and the golem, and was meeting the other pony's look with a stern, judging gaze. The golem, meanwhile - who did not appear to have been affected by the time stoppage - was puzzling over the cake in its hand. It held the cake tentatively up to its face, and then tapped the spot above the chin where a mouth would normally be.

“Your capitalization was correct, and grammar was acceptable,” said the princess, whose stern visage momentarily softened into a warm smile of approval. “I am proud of your use of three exclamation points. I felt it adequately expressed the gravity of the situation without belabouring the point.”

Spike didn't have to see it to know that the unicorn gifted him with an insufferably smug sidelong glance.

“On the other hoof, I am slightly less pleased with a golem demolishing much of Ponyville," said Celestia, adopting a more disapproving and regal tone again.

“I’m sorry princess,” said Twilight Sparkle, lowering her gaze in abasement and shame. “I did it for Spike. The poor little guy does all of the cooking, cleaning and cataloguing. I thought that by creating a mindless slave to take care of the mundane duties around the library, it would free up some of his time to deliver threatening overdue notices to delinquent borrowers.” In the background, the golem had latched a hand onto its chin and was apparently trying to pry open its nonexistent mouth while its eyes remained focused on the cake.

“Where did you learn to animate a golem?” asked the princess. To Twilight Sparkle’s relief, some of the sharpness had gone out of her voice again.

“My Fyrste Golem: Ye Darke Arte of Abominable Anymation,” she answered honestly.

“The abridged copy, or did you steal the forbidden one from the reference section of the Canterlot library?” said Celestia, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

“I didn’t steal it, Your Highness,” said Twilight Sparkle indignantly, forgetting for a moment to grovel. “I went through all of the proper channels. I had it rightly reclassified from forbidden magics to inadvisable magics, and then I did a proper intra-library transfer.”

The princess continued to glower, but the corner of her mouth twitched a couple of times before she gave up all pretenses of anger and burst out laughing. Before Twilight Sparkle could react, Celestia pulled her in close and gave her a hoof noogie on the forehead below her horn. “There’s my favourite student, showing some admirable initiative. You're right, that book should have been reclassified centuries ago.” The unicorn struggled and giggled nervously under her teacher's ministrations. Forgotten behind her the golem had finally managed to wrench open the lower part of its face into a facsimile of a mouth.

The princess put the chuckling pony back on the ground again while Spike breathed out an audible sigh of relief. “I know you did a proper transfer, I was just teasing,” said the princess. “Ruling can get dreary at times; indulge a princess some fun now and then.” She turned to leave, and paused to say over her shoulder, “just be sure to return the book in good condition when you are done with it.”

"Princess, wait!" called Twilight Sparkle before Celestia could fly off. She bit her lip and pranced nervously, motioning meaningfully toward the wreckage of the town with her horn. Front and centre among that ruin was the golem, who was still holding the cake in one hand, and poking experimentally around in its new "mouth" with its other hand.

"Oh, don't you worry my little pony," said the princess, with a warm, melodious laugh. "The other ponies will be fine. Their memories of this day will be erased when the time spell lifts."

"B-but the golem, your highness…" prompted the unicorn again, grimacing and making exaggerated motions in its general direction with her horn.

The smile on the princess's face slowly melted to something a bit more morose. "Oh, Twilight Sparkle," she said with a weighty sigh. "When you were animating your golem, did you not wonder why we do not have golem servants in the castle?" She gave her student a wan grin. "That spell never worked properly, and we lost the heart to keep working on it. I don't know why I keep that dusty old book around since it's just a recipe for heartache." She pranced around and stood shoulder to shoulder with the younger mare. "Watch with me," she commanded, "and let this be your lesson for today."

They sat together and looked on in silence as the golem finally figured out the relationship between the cake and its mouth. It tossed the confection down whole. There was a dry, crunching sound as it swallowed, and seconds later a change came over the golem. Its glowing red eyes flickered and suddenly shifted colour to a rich, sapphire blue. It held up its massive hands before its face and stared at them with a newfound wonder.

"Friendship," it said aloud in a deep, gravelly voice, eliciting gasps of surprise from Twilight Sparkle and Spike. "So delicious."

"You can talk?" asked Twilight Sparkle incredulously. She took a tentative step toward the golem, then froze when it turned and faced her.

"I know your voice. You are the Creator." It strode toward her on creaky, crackly legs. Twilight Sparkle would have back-pedalled away if the princess had not stuck out a leg to block her escape. The golem stopped and knelt before her, gazing down at the purple unicorn. Where its gaze had radiated death and hatred before, now she felt an azure wave of adoration and awe sweep over her. "Mistress, I am called ... Mr. .... Stompy?"

"Wait for it..." said the princess in a singsong stage whisper. She was holding up one of her hoofs as if critically analyzing her latest hooficure.

"Please," said the golem, holding out its massive hand toward its creator imploringly. "I exist only to serve you. Say a word and it shall be done, beloved master! Order a mountain brought to your home, and I shall bring it. I implore you, give me purpose... uh..." As it spoke, the hand it was holding out began to crumble away and cascade to the ground in a shower of gems.

"Golem...?" said Twilight Sparkle in alarm. "Princess, what's happening to him?"

"Well, this was disappointing," said the golem, right before its entire body sloughed away into a jagged pile of cracked gems. A single spatter of icing landed in the centre of the pile like a ghoulish adornment.

"That part gets me every time," said Celestia sadly. "Not enough agates, or maybe too may rubies. I consulted with Marelin the magician, but she refused to dabble in golems." The princess sighed. "As soon as they become self-aware, they go to pieces. Literally."

"I – I'm sorry," sobbed Twilight Sparkle, pawing a sad furrow through the golem rubble. "I didn't mean to give you such a short existence. I had plans for you."

Princess Celestia pulled her student close for a reassuring hug. "There now, dear, that's why this was supposed to be filed under inadvisable magic." She kissed Twilight Sparkle gently on the forehead. "At least you've learned a valuable and traumatizing lesson from it. Now you had best work on a plan to deal with the mess your golem made here. I must fly; I promised my royal sister a few rounds of royal mumblety-peg before she goes on duty this evening."

"Yes, a plan! I do plans. Spike, get the plan scroll ready," said Twilight Sparkle, with a purposeful gleam in her eye. Behind her the princess reared up, spread her pretty wings and soared away into the sky.

Spike had wandered over to Pinkie Pie, and was waving a claw back and forth in front of her unresponsive face. “I don’t think I will ever get used to this,” he said, frowning. “Why do we have to wipe their memories all the time? You told me this drives them insane.” He readied the scroll and quill as he'd been instructed, but his eyes never left the motionless pony.

“If they remembered every disaster, and realized how often their town is nearly destroyed, they would be afraid to come out of their homes,” explained Twilight Sparkle. “There are ... preferable types of insane - please don’t do that, Spike,” she added sharply in a matronly tone.

“I don’t get it,” said the dragon, who obediently stopped poking Pinkie Pie with an extended foreclaw. “It’s not like disasters happen all the time; there hasn’t been a disaster in weeks.”

“Right,” said Twilight Sparkle cagily, “it has been weeks.”

“Wait a minute,” said Spike indignantly. “You haven’t been erasing my…” Wherever the thought had been leading him, the train derailed when Pinkie Pie sneezed.

"Hi!" she said brightly to Twilight Sparkle. "You look awful, and I have no idea how I got here, but that kind of describes my whole life." She blinked up at City Hall which, for all its abuse, was still mostly standing. "Wow, what a mess; it looks like something big came rampaging through here." The earth pony did not miss a beat. "Hey, as long as you're here, did you want to hang out for the day? I've got this weird craving for cake. Well, not that weird because I'm always craving cake."

"I… yes," said Twilight Sparkle firmly after a second of waffling. "Yes, Pinkie Pie, I would like to hang out today."

"Hi Miss Twilight and Pinkie Pie," said Apple Bloom, walking slowly up behind them. "I don't rightly know what I'm doin' here neither, but I feel strangely empty and unfulfilled today for some reason." She frowned slightly as if trying to conjure up a memory that no longer existed. "Oh well, I'm gonna head on home and draw a sad cutie mark on mah flank to make up for the lack of a father figure in mah life."

"Big Mac is kind of like a father figure to you," said Twilight Sparkle patronizingly.

Apple Bloom shrugged. "Might even be my father for all I know," she said over her shoulder as she turned to head for home. "They say the Apples don't fall far from the tree."

"Oh. Oh! I remember drawing my first cutie mark. It was a rock," said Pinkie Pie. A moment later she apparently forgot the existence of the filly. "Come on Twilight, let's get some cake," she said, bouncing a circle around the other pony. "I can't put my hoof on it, but I feel like I've had an exciting day that deserves cake!"

As the ponies turned to leave, they distinctly heard a pony in the distance say, "Hey, is anyone else's shop on fire?"

Endus Maximus