Introducing Good Times
It was a fucking bright Equestrian day. Anemically-yellow badass poney supreme Sunshine Smiles strode through the Poneyville market on a mission for celery. High quality only. As he made his way to the designated stand, Sunshine noticed he hadn’t seen this particular quivering mass of a vendorponey before- this was gonna have to be fixed (immediately).
Sunshine set his posture to funky mode and took off sunglasses he wasn’t wearing. His aggressively manly voice began, “The name is Smiles. Sunshine S-*putnik*” He sneezed. Making good impressions was hard.
It really didn’t help his situation that the average poney isn’t very smart to begin with. While chewing on his grassy mane, the vendor responded, “Hiya there, Smiley Sputnik! Come buy my somma my celery, now in fourteen flavors!”
As well good as that was, Sunshine achieved a small level of momentary sanity. “Uh, screw this.. celery’s rate gross,” he rasped. Also, I lied earlier; his voice was in actuality grating and sickly, like some sort of asthma hound.
Turning about, he reared up his hind legs to accentuate his point with a good kick. But the stand had moved ten paces to the left. Ground met Sunshine.
“Ahgawdnooo!” Feeling like a lung had popped, his slice-of-toast cutie mark was rubbed in apprehension. It wasn’t really his, I think he was borrowing it from a friend. Successfully making toast was likely beyond Sunshine’s capabilities. Anyway, now in a state of fear for his little life, Sunshine Smiles went to visit the doctor poney.
“Omg! What if I’m now dying?!!” he asked the aged doctor poney, whose cutie mark was a little heart making a sicky face. Sunshine Smiles was now sitting in an examination room of Poneyville’s hospital, admiring how sterile-white the walls and tiles were. Bit space-age, ain’t it?
“Mister Sunshine, I’ve already told you. We gave you all the tests available, even that little brain-scan thingy, and you checked out fine!” said Dr. Healthy Heart
“But I don’t feeeel fine! My foreleg feels loose and this one seems a bit stretchy! Lookit, they’re nah even the same length!” Sunshine whined.
The doctor reached into his pocket, “I’m just gonna prescribe you some of these pills, then. They’ll cure anything! Unless they don’t, in which case they won’t. No refunds.”
“Okay, these are rate wicked medicines but I think I needa operation. Gimme some robot legs.”
Healthy Heart paled a bit. Patients weren’t supposed to know about those, oh god what if he accidently leaked corporate secrets?! They would do things to him! He was too pretty to be an organ donor!
Giving a weak smile, he only said, “Get the poney hell out of here, you crazy kid.”
As Sunshine left, a janitor came in. “ Hey, I ‘member you. Didn’t you lose your medical license a few years ago?”
Sunshine Smiles walked aimlessly through town. The pills were some reassurance, but his midlife crisis had already started. How could Sunshine ever rest easy knowing most of his life was already over? For the first time it occurred to him, Omg I’m not gonna live 4ever!
Absolutely terrible, this catastrophe could not be allowed to stand. He was gonna have to take this up with the manager. And then it occurred to the dying poney that the manager of Equestria, Princess Celestia, is endless herself! She could infect him with it!
Unfortunately, this was another problem. His friend Felix once went to see the princess and said she was backed up for months. I don’t got months to wait in line, I’ll fuckin’ starve to death!
If he was gonna die in a line, it would be for an MSI concert. Past experiences reminded him, if ya got connections, they let ya cut in line. And Twinkle Spinkle is like best mates with the princess! Reinvigorated, Sunshine decided to go visit her at the library.
It took him a few hours to get there though, because he really had made a habit of avoiding books and Twilight smells like trumps.
Now entering, he groaned at the scene before him. His fears were confirmed, there were no hot mares here. Just Twittle Spittle chatting with her friend Rarity; also her little dragon cleaning things in the background. The librarian could use some exercise and Spike stirred feelings inside that he did not want to acknowledge. That only left Rarity, who looked far too horsey for his taste. Phrenology would probably reveal her to be one of those pompous that ate squirrels off the road when noone was looking.
“Welcome to the library,” her smile quickly deflated, “..Sunshine Smiles.”
He decided to cut to the chase, “So listen, Twister Spilikin. The thing what ‘appened to me today, I busted ma insides and I’m gonna die!”
“How fitting,” Rarity haughtily turned up her nose at him. “Really Twilight, I don’t think you should allow such crass earth ponies in here. It offends the senses.”
“I don’t like it either,” she sycophantically agreed, “but public libraries are required to serve non-unicorns by law.”
“Yeah, legal system. So knock off, ya sket.”
“Hmph, I was leaving anyways. Some of us have jobs,” Rarity made for the door.
“O-ok then! See you tomorrow.. right?” Twilight’s voice rose a pitch. Rarity didn’t respond as she exited. Facing Sunshine again, her tone darkened, “So what was it you wanted anyway?”
“You needa take me to the princess cuz I was fuckin’ walking down the street and these pills are messing meh up! I was ‘bout to play marbles like some bag head.”
“Why the poney heck would I ever introduce you to Princess Celestia?” she replied, using anger to hide feelings the topic had brought up.
“Cuz I need to live foreva or I’m gonna like die.”
“Oh, you want what’s called immortality.”
“Yeah, imstalitee! I need her to gimme some,” he replied, proud of his plan.
“Still not helping you. We don’t even like each other,” Twilight scowled, adopting an aloof pose.
He reverted to the time-tested tactic of physical threats, “If ya don’t help me, I’ll hafta bust you up.”
“I’m not afraid of you,” she asserted.
Sunshine considered this. She did have a lot of weight on him from all those chips. Thinking quickly, he countered, “Don’t be a fooking seizure mouse. Look, the mayor says you gotta help meh, mayor’s orders.”
“Aww she did? Fine. I’ll take you to see the princess but I won’t like it.” Gullibility:1 Twilight:0
At this point, Spike remembered he was also here. “Hey guys, can I come too?!”
“Sorry Spike, you have chores to do. Clean up this mess.”
So they had boarded the train to Canterlot. Sunshine slept and Twilight read the whole way, which made the trip pretty uneventful. What a boring couple they would make. Now at the castle, the unlikely duo were stopped from entering the throne room by a pair of royal guards at the doors.
“Who goes there?” The closest guard sternly inquired.
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s personal- hold on, Cherry Cola? You’ve known me since I was a filly.”
“Yeah, I just wanted to be dramatic. Things get so boring around here,” he deflated. Stepping around a shrinking Cherry Cola, they let themselves in.
“That guy was rate weird,” Sunshine Smiles intelligently observed.
“Just so you know, there’s no way this is going to work,” Twilight remarked.
They entered the massive throne room. The chamber had gone through severe renovations, now painted erratic colors with works of modern art strewn about. Sunshine particularly liked the bouncy castle installed in a corner. On her throne was Princess Celestia, accompanied by a statesponey.
“Friendship, friendship,” she was muttering to herself.
“Old Miss Witherspoon, please, the minotaur armies have invaded and are raiding Stalliongrad! We need to produce more weapons!” appealed insignificant statesponey.
“Everything’s alright, dearie. We’ll stop them with the power of friendship! Have our soldiers hug more,” Celestia ordered, demonstrating with a little hug to herself.
She noticed the intruders and signaled the nameless statesponey to leave, announcing,
“My credulous student, you did not warn me of your arrival! Quick, we need a do-over! Brb.”
Celestia promptly left the room.
“Like, wut da fuck is this?” Sunshine was getting impatient with all this weird crap.
“Well,” Twilight blinked away tears at the sight, “A few years ago, the princess’s age finally caught up to her. That was when she sent me to Poneyville.” Twilight brought out the letter, emotional baggage compelling her to keep it on her person. One day, she would end up burning it in defiant indignation.
It read:
Dear twilight sparkle,
my most mental student, it has come to my attention that you our creeping the fuck out of my other students so i’m hiding you in poneyville. have fun!
ps. suck my cock
love,
Old Miss Witherspoon
“Haha, true, you is mental!” he agreed, blissfully ignorant of the irony. “But if the princess has a-”
Then, with all the regal poise and sophistication of an obese turnip, Princess Celestia reentered the room. The royal plot was here.
“Shut up and act natural!” Twilight made a duck face.
Celestia settled onto her throne, mumbled some more, and screeched, “Welcomes to Twilight Sparkle and friend!”
“H-hi Princess, I couldn’t help noticing you have some ponies stuck to the walls. Maybe we could let them down?” Twilight shot Sunshine a warning look as his mouth opened.
The sentiment was thoroughly lost on him. “Sup, Witherspoon Lady! I’m Sunshine Smiles!”
“What a disturbing request, you should get your head checked,” Celestia shifted her attention, “Hmm, do your smiles taste like SUNSHINE?”
“Well, I dunno ‘bout that but I needa live like forever, my fooking insides hurt!”
“Oh? A noble pursuit indeed, says I! But I must consult this matter with my royal advisor, Maudlyn,” she turned her back to them. Witherspoon took off her tiara and began whispering to it. This lasted several minutes.
After much deliberation, a royal servant was ordered to fetch an enchanted chalice. “Maudlyn is in an agreeable mood this day!” the princess declared, doing an authoritative little jig.
“What, seriously?!” Twilight cried out, wide-eyed. A guardsponey imperceptibly rolled his eyes.
As the servant returned, Princess Celestia snatched the chalice with her magic and turned away again. It looked like she spit into it, but Sunshine figured his eyes were out of tune. Doctors are all shills, man.
“Miss Witherspoon declares that Sunshine Smiles shall be granted his desire of immortality! Drink this,” Celestia gave him the Elixir of Immortality, snickering a bit. What a troll.
“Can I be immortal, too?” a certain purple unicorn pleaded.
“Is she always this bitchy?”
“Yeah, she’s a right bellend,” Sunshine clutched the drink to himself, taking a sniff. “Gonna get proper wasted on this shit”
Inhibitionless, he chugged it down, like a fish out of water getting back into water. The empty goblet was dropped, a clatter echoing through the chamber. Everyone stared on in suspense as he began to spasm, pupils dilating. After doing a spot-on impression of a jellyfish, the placebo’s effects wore off.
Righting himself, Sunshine Smiles smiled so hard it was messy. “Now it’s time to.. live poney!”
Awww yeaah!!
The Logical Course
Sunshine Smiles was out on the porch at Sweet Apple Acres, chilling with the other elements of harmony cause they’re the cool kids. No one had invited Twister Sprackle though, she still smelled like trumps.
“Lookit this guys,” Sunshine shouted like a retarded can of yams. He attempted to climb an apple tree like a retarded basket of yams, but gave up after fumbling for a bit. “Ne’ermind, I’s gonna do it later”
“You mess up my apples; I’ll whoop your ass, boy,” growled Applejohn Wayne, the gruff cowboy. What a hunk.
Not one to be outdone on stupidity, Pinkie Pie chipped in, “What if I’m a snow-storm leopard?”
“Get the poney hell away! I dun want that shit,” Rainbow Dash scooted elsewhere, bumping into Fluttershy.
Fluttershiv reached for her knife, but Rarity ruined the moment.
“Not leprosy, you birdbrain. I really must make some unicorn friends,” snooted Rarity in her charmingly racialist manner. Since she didn’t resemble a mime enough already, more powder was applied to her face.
Deciding she weren’t welcome ‘round these parts, Johnjack Wayne took off his belt. “You messed up my apple air, now I’m gonna whoop ya!” What happened next is a matter of interpretation.
Since this story is about him, it was up to Sunshine to move the plot forward. “Thas some bangin’ shit, but like, I needa do something rate fun,” He said, plopping his on the ground. Sunshine struggles with responsibility.
So Scootaloo arrived to visit Apple Bloom.
“Hiya guys! Is Applebl -man, that’s awful- Is Applebloom here?”
“Fuck off, Scoots. We forgot her at Poneymart again,” Rainbow Dash lazily replied, scratching her extra-hairy butt.
“Yeah, is gonna be like a week before they mail her back lol.” Sunshine knocked hooves with Rainbowbear, similar to a high-five but twice as awkward. Then increase the result by 20%, divide by 10 seconds and factor out the quotient.
So Scootaloo left to visit Sweetie Belle. False alarm.
Finished with business, Applewayne Johnjack declared, “That was a good one but now Ah need to cool off. Ah say we head to the saloon and fetch us some whiskey.”
Just the three of them headed to the bar. Rarity was busy wallowing in her misery and leaking fluids while Fluttershy was engrossed in writing a gorey fanfiction. Pinkie Pie had stopped moving a while ago after taking a handful of pills, the general sentiment being that it was for the best.
They entered the Crippled Zeeber, and then had to sit down by the door for a while as their eyes adjusted to the poorly illuminated atmosphere. The smell of ciggies and sweat permeated the crowded air. The kind of sweat a poney gets from not bathing for the better part of a month; Sunshine knew this from great experience.
“Enough of this pussyfooting, Ahm gettin’ me a beer,” Johnapple Wayne strode for the bartender, bumping into a few tables on the way. Except the tables were knocked out of the way instead of AJ.
“Yea, rock on my main man!” Sunshine attempted to follow suit. His path more resembled a game of pinball, but he made it with minimal scarring. Rainbow Dash climbed off his back (the lazy), and they ordered some drinks.
Sunshine examined his drink and was pleased to note it had only a few specks floating in it. This is the high quality shit, gonna get this done real hard.
Now, getting stupidly intoxicated sounded good to Sunshine, but witnessing violence had been a bad influence on him. The blighted-yellow poney was all hyped up and craved action, like a jack-in-a-box waiting to become a jack-outside-a-box.
He only managed a sip of his liquid before climbing on a table. “Okay, we’re gonna start a bar fight, yeah?” he shouted.
In this lighting, quite a few poneys mistook him for a sandwich. That was all the excuse the bar patrons need to let out their repressed anger from unhappy childhoods. A significant number of them were immigrants from Pedophiledelphia.
Sunshine wasn’t overly concerned. The princess gave me some rate good immortality, he thought as the brawl broke out. He lept off the table and tried to pummel the unicorn closest to him. Instead, the aqua-colored mare caught his hoof with magic and countered with a buck to the stomach.
He flew back into the clutches of a fellow earth poney and appealed, “Hey, come help meh bust up that sket!”
“That’s my fucking marefriend.” Oops.
The cream poney socked Sunshine hard in the snout and his nose began bleeding. The rest of the bar was in a frenzy while he continued taking a beating from the two mares. Applejohn Wayne was adding more than his fair share to the carnage, while Rainbow Dash just watched as she got wasted.
Eventually, the fighting paused as light abruptly spilled into the dim bar. Fluttershy stood at the entrance, a rusty machete in her mouth. Forgoing her typical bashful behavior, she boldly pointed at Sunshine and declared, “You.”
Lyra let him go, and he precariously righted himself. He turned his bleeding, pulpy face toward Fluttershy and inquired, “Oh, ya wanna see my wilkins?”
Her glare intensified, but she merely said, “You’ve had this coming for a long time, dickhead.”
Everyponey watched on (from a safe distance) as the murderous mare made her way toward him. Sunshine rose onto his hindlegs and adopted an old-timey fisticuffs stance.
“I’m gonna sort you out then,” he confidently commented, oblivious to the end. Fluttershy tightened her hold on the machete. In one swift motion, she sliced open his exposed stomach.
Almost casually, Sunshine stared down at his spilling intestines. “Methinks this looks proper cool, but I actually wanted ta keep those.”
Fluttershy made an extremely witty remark, but no poney could hear her soft voice over the screaming. The poor dear should really see a speech therapist. Perhaps someone ought to start a charity fund for her.
As Sunshine lay dying on the ground, the last thing he heard was Rainbow Dash. “That was fucking rad,” she exclaimed as she imitated masturbating the penis she so desperately wanted.
I’s gonna need some tape.
“That messed up hard, dinnit it?” Sunshine Smiles said aloud but no one heard. The room he found himself in was emptier than Miss Witherspoon’s box on a romantic summer evening. It reminded him of the waiting area at the poney dentist. There was a steel door straight ahead, but it appeared locked.
The only objects in the room were two chairs and this poster on the wall:
“Omg, that is rate funny.” He would look at the poster and giggle a bit, this repeating for about twenty minutes. Unfortunately, nothing good lasts forever, least of all the humor of some half-baked poster.
He tried sitting still for a bit, not on a chair of course, but soon had enough; for Sunshine Smiles has not the aloof perception of a scientist, but rather the passionate heart of a poet.
“Rawr! I’m fooking Godzilla or some shit (lol),” he made dinosaur motions and began rampaging around the room, kicking the chairs. After a particularly satisfying kick, one bounced off the wall and smacked him upside the head. No sense was knocked into him.
“OMG it’s bing-bong time for yoooo!” the dead poney raged, leaping for the spiteful plastic.
He landed on its edge and groaned in pain, the breath having been knocked out of him. Barely recovering, he gave it a right jab. The chair did not dodge and the impact sent pain coursing through his untempered hoof. He repeated with the other hoof and met similar results. Trying a different plan of attack, the poney began to back up. No way I’m losing another fight.
“You can’t beat the Sunshine-man!” he battlecried with all the bloodlust of a bloated caterpillar, charging at his foe.
However, his aim was not true and Sunshine concussed his head against the wall at full speed.
Game Over.
Except our troubled poney was already dead, and there are rules against getting yourself killed twice in the same day.
Coming to, Sunshine noticed he was now propped up on a much more comfortable chair in a luxurious office. The carpeting looked to be a first-rate job and he felt a twinge of envy.
“It is a good thing you’re already dead. I have never witnessed a poney going that mental in the waiting room before,” spoke Princess Luna, sitting behind the desk across from him. She leaned back in her exquisitely-hellish chair and blew cigar smoke rings in Sunshine’s face. Kinda like the caterpillar from the disney version of Alice in Wonderland, that guy was badass.
The earth poney felt vindicated and replied, “Yeah, that chair is a bellend. Ya should fire it.”
Luna laughed and spoke between puffs, “You are a most witty one! It will be very amusing to watch you suffer in Poney Hell.”
Sunshine finally comprehended his state and shot out of the chair. “What the effing crap, I’s in Hell? Miss Witherspoon gave me the imstalitee!! I dun wanna be tortured! Keep ya fooking forks away from meh!”
“Oh no, Hell is much more civil now that I am no longer Nightmare Moon. We mostly just lock poneys in a room with each other, they do all the work themselves,” she explained.
“Aiight, I can’t be doing that. Lookit, I’s like best friends with the Elephants of Herman!” He flailed his arms for emphasis.
“The elements, hmm? Since I am indebted, I have set up a special arrangement for them. I won’t grant you the same but will offer a deal. Some poneys down here are still tormented using traditional methods. If you like, you can work as an employee of Hell; but it will involve mutilating your fellow poneykind. Otherwise, it’s eternal torture with the rest.” Luna gave a sadistic laugh, leaning just right in the dramatic lighting. (She spent most of her free time practicing.)
Sunshine gave it a moment’s thought and agreed, unburdened by moral qualms. I fuckin’ love having connections!
The Princess of Night and Poney Hell raised an eyebrow. The suddenness of his answer birthed some doubts, but it was too late to go back. She had lost face too much already in recent times to appear wishy-washy now.
“Very well then, Sunshine Smiles. Go out through the staff entrance and meet your new boss. He will provide all of the training necessary,” she pointed to it. On the left wall, side by side, were two doors. The regular one was marked ‘Poney Hell’, while Sunshine’s had a Hello Kitty pattern and was labeled ‘Employees Only’.
“Okay, this is rate cool,” he said, fumbling a bit with the door.
Finally getting it open, Sunshine entered the hall and gave one last look at Luna. He burped in her general direction, then the door slammed shut. A step was taken forward, which symbolized his embracement of destiny. Before him was the staff entrance to Poney Hell.
But on the left, there was also a hallway branching off designated as the exit.
He walked out the exit path.
Princess Luna had not thought this out very well.
