White Noise

by Ninjadeadbeard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1204

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then there was something. Mostly regret, on Twilight's part.

Princess Twilight has heard about the concept of static, or White Noise, being the “background sound of the universe” from Sunset Shimmer, and now wishes to share this fascinating experience with the students of Miss Cheerilee’s class.

Gods help them all.

Published 2022-03-25 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-03-25 05:00:01 UTC

Kaboom

Once upon a time, long before there was ever a magical land of Equestria, there was nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. No light. No sound. No matter. No energy.

There was only one thing in all the universe. In fact, there was only one thing that comprised the entire universe.

Princess Galactica.

This truly ancient, wondrous being was an alicorn above any that came after. She was more beautiful than anything that ever existed before (which was nothing) or since (which is everything). Her coat, mane and tail were all the same color; a galactic nebula of swirling colors and lights. Looking upon her was like looking upon the entire night sky all at once. And her cutie mark was a brilliant starburst, though we must keep in mind that stars, at this point, did not yet exist.

Now, one might think that, being the only being in all of existence, she would become quite bored. But, no! In fact, Princess Galactica was quite content with existing.

She was existence, after all. And within her mind and body and soul, every story and tale and song rang true.

Princess Galactica was complete. She was content.

But then, one day, something happened.

“Hm?” she asked the utter void. “What was that?”

She’d thought she’d heard something. And when you’re everything, hearing something that’s not you can be quite troubling.

“Must have been the wind,” she reasoned. Then, her celestial brows knitted together as she considered what she’d just said. “But there’s no such thing as wind… oh!”

She’d heard it again!

It was coming from somewhere near the back! Or, middle?

Galactica craned her eternal neck around, and started scouting out possible locations for where The Noise had come from. After a few moments, she heard it again, and narrowed her search to…

“My stomach?” She stared at her perfect, svelte little belly, and wondered how it could possibly be the source of…

There it was again.

It was a most peculiar sound. Like a growl. Or a murmur. Since Sound didn’t exist yet, Galactica had trouble determining which.

“Was it something I ate?” she asked herself. “No, that’s silly. I haven’t eaten anything yet. Because food isn’t a thing. I am being silly.”

But still, it was odd that she could hear it. And so, Princess Galactica leaned in, and watched her belly most suspiciously. She watched it with intensity. She gave it a lick, just in case taste could tell her something.

It grumbled again.

“Huh…” she wondered aloud. Deciding to be proactive, she gave her stomach an explorative poke with her horn. “I wonder what…”

And then, she exploded.

Scootaloo’s eyes widened as Twilight reached the end of her tale.

“Whoa… awesome!”

The rest of Miss Cheerilee’s class seemed to all agree, since the entire room full of colts and fillies erupted into cheers. Even Cheerilee herself applauded the Princess of Friendship as she came to the end of the story.

“Was that really how the universe began?” asked the pinto-colored Pipsqueak.

“Admittedly, probably not,” said Twilight with an excited smile. “But, as we learn more about our universe through the magic of friendship and science, maybe we will find out how the universe came to be one day. In fact…”

Twilight took a few steps to her left, and approached the mysterious object she’d brought with her to Miss Cheerilee’s class. She gripped the edge of the sheet covering it, and with dramatic flair she revealed it… dramatically.

The whole class oo’d and aah’d as they witnessed the unveiling of the mysterious machine.

“It’s so… beautiful!” said Apple Bloom.

“It’th athtounding!” said Twist.

“What is it?” asked Silver Spoon.

Twilight waved one hoof in front of the device.

“This, my little ponies, is called a Radio!”

The colts and fillies oo’d and aah’d again. Its dials were certainly shiny, and its finish was certainly flashy.

“What does it… do?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Twilight cheered, “I’m glad you asked! Actually, it doesn’t do too much at the moment, I’m afraid. I had it imported from… ah, a friend. A friend who lives very far away…”

Nopony noticed the way the Princess’s forehead briefly broke out in sweat.

“B-but once I can secure the funding,” she went on to say, “it will allow us to broadcast shows, and plays, and even songs, all across Equestria! Why, everypony will be able to communicate with their distant friends and relatives as well, almost like giving everypony the power to send messages with magic!”

Ooh’ing and Aah’ing commenced again.

“What does that have to do with Princess Galactica, though?” Diamond Tiara sneered from the back row of the student body.

Here, a twinkle came into Twilight’s eye.

“Why, everything!” she exclaimed. “My friend Sunset Shimmer explained that where she’s from, when you turn on a radio but don’t tune it to a station or frequency…”

Twilight didn’t need the signal from Cheerilee to know she was losing most of the students. Just the look of their eyes glazing over was enough.

“… uh, nevermind the reason. My friend showed me how to do it anyway. Basically, if you’re not using it to listen to music, you can hear something called Static, or White Noise.”

She lowered her voice to a dramatic whisper that would have made even Trixie Lulamoon applaud, and then added:

“The Background Noise of the Cosmos!”

There were no ooh’s and aah’s on that one. There was no need. Twilight knew she had them again in the way that every foals’ eyes were now transfixed on the radio, their mouths all agape in shock and delight.

But then, Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed.

“Wait… wouldn’t that mean we could hear Princess Galactica exploding?”

All the other foals glared, or stared, in utter stupefaction at that comment, and even Cheerilee and Twilight couldn’t hide the pale grimace from their faces.

“I… don’t think Galactica was really real, Scootaloo,” Twilight quickly recovered. “But I think it will be a remarkable learning experience to hear the true background sound of our own universe.

“And so,” she reached out and took hold of one of the radio dials in her magic, “without further ado…”

The radio hummed to life. There was a crackle, and a pop. A low hiss began to build.

Miss Cheerilee squinted at the futuristic machine strumming to life.

“.... vetolastforever…”

“Does it sound like a voice to anypony else?”

Twilight stuck out her tongue, and tried to hone in on the signal, a momentary spark of wonder and curiosity filling her very soul.

And then…

“—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—WHHHHYAMISTILLBURNING???—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—THISPAINCANNOTBEDESCRIBEDONLYFEEEEELT!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—THEREISONLYHELLANDIAMITSVICTIM!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—PLEEEEEASEKILLMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!—”

Dead-eyed, Twilight switched the radio off. She didn’t move for several seconds, hoping against hope that somehow… nopony else had heard that.

The fact that the ooh’s and aah’s from before were now drowned out by crying foals took another minute to fully register with her.

“This was a mistake…”

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

New Discovery. Universes whose creation was caused by an exploding deity sound very different from those caused by impersonal explosions.

Does Wallflower still have any pieces of that Memory Stone lying around? I could use some good news right now.

Your friend;
Princess Twilight Sparkle