Episode 1: Wait... this is...
Once upon a time, in a land known as Equestria, there was a perfect pretty purple pony princess by the name of Twilight Sparkle. Once a librarian, the purple pony had become a nation-wide hero amongst her peers after discovering and using an ancient power, the Elements of Harmony. Through the power of friendship and magic, she and her gal pals had vanquished many dark and terrible villains upon multiple occasions. They had battled literal nightmares, defeated dark lords from other timelines, even traveled to other universes. They had quite frankly won against more evils than most creatures would ever hear about.
However, it could never have prepared them for what was about to happen.
Twilight sat in the study of the Castle of Friendship, with a vanilla white unicorn by the name of Rarity. The two seemed to be stuck in a debate over whether Twilight's fur coat was purple, violet, or lavender. Rarity appeared to be winning the argument.
"All I'm saying, dearie, is that I know my way around a decent color scheme, and the difference in shade is absolutely paramount to-" She never got to finish that sentence as a large rumbling shook the earth beneath their hooves. Simultaneously, a flash of light flashed from out the window. It only lasted a few seconds, but the silence was soon eradicated by violet hooves.
Twilight looked out the window, searching for the disruption and noticed what appeared to be smoke in the distance.
"Something's happened at Sweet Apple Acres. I'd normally chalk it up to Rainbow practicing one of her feats but that seemed a little..."
"Beyond her scope of abilities?" Rarity offered. A new voice made itself known.
"More like less destructive than Rainbow usually is. Twilight, what in Celestia's name happened?" A green and purple baby dragon walked up to the addressed unicorn who responded with a determined expression.
"I don't know, but we're going to find out."
Five pastel colored ponies came galloping through Sweet Apple Acres, suspecting that Applejack, the sixth member of their group, had already made her way to the spot of disruption. Twilight led the troop of ponies, two of which had taken to the sky.
"Oh dear, oh dear, I really hope nopony is hurt." A yellow pegasus asked in a worried tone, "That explosion was so loud, all the little critters were terrified."
Twilight nodded, mid-trot, "I'm not sure Fluttershy. Luckily it seems it was in the middle of the acres so if nopony was nearby we shouldn't have to worry." They ran around a large rock, moving forward at a decent pace, "If it is simply a phenomenon, we'll write a note to the Princesses. If anypony is hurt, we'll keep them in stable condition until we can get them to a hospital. If it's a threat-"
"Then we'll beat it to a pulp and save the day again like we usually do." The scratchy confident voice came from the second flair, a blue pegasus with a prismatic mane. Twilight merely nodded, not having quite the confidence of her counterpart.
They were very close to the location now and they began to slow down as they noticed a familiar orange pony standing behind a bush observing something.
"Applejack, is everything okay? We came as soon as we saw... whatever that was in the sky."
The golden maned equine turned and nodded, she pointed to what appeared to be a crater in the middle of a clearing, two figures could be seen but were slightly obscured by the dirt and smoke.
"Good thing yall made your way here. Not entirely sure how to handle this right now."
"What do you mean?" The ponies looked where she was motioning and noticed one of the figures was completely motionless, while the other was tossing and turning.
"Well... I've been here for a short while, those two things seem to be what caused all this but..."
"HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN' SHIT ASS EATING SON OF A BITCH!!"
"...that one's been swearin' up a storm the whole time." Everyone aside from Applejack and Rainbow cringed from the obscene swearing.
"That Goddamn bastard.. Fuck that hurts ARRGNN!"
"What about the other one?" Rarity was the first to speak, though nervously. Applejack shrugged.
"I'm pretty sure he's muttering something under his breath. Something along the lines of 'my body is pain incarnate'." She crossed her arms as another string of curses came from the clearing, "I've been sittin' here tryin' to decide what to do."
Twilight smacked a hoof to her face, "Well obviously they're in pain right now. I think the best course of action would be to take care of that first." She proceeded to step out from the bushes they were hidden behind, much to the behest of her friends who reluctantly followed. Once close enough they could pick more features now that the dust had cleared.
They appeared to be strange bipedal creatures, Twilight being the only one that recognized the form. They had fingers, toes, and... other extremities as there seemed to also be a lack of clothing on either of them. While the others seemed unbothered by this, Twilight, after quickly casting a small pain relieving spell over both of them, also covered them up with summoned blankets. Somepony somewhere was going cold right now.
The one that had been cursing sat up, having not noticed the ponies since his back was to them. No longer in any major pain he looked around in confusion, "Where in the hell...?" His sentence ended as he noticed the strange colorful creatures before him. They stared back at him in their own amazement as it seemed this being had a pumpkin for a head.
“What sort of special hell is this?” He thought to himself. Rising slowly and scanning his surroundings, he spotted the human across from him. Said human only seemed to be making groaning noises and the occasional muttered sound. The Pumpkin headed individual walked towards him, crouching down to help him up. “Lemme help you up bud.”
The human turned his head slowly, looking at the fruity guy above him. A moment of awkwardness passed before he spoke, extremely articulately, “Am I high?”
The pumpkin man responded appropriately, “Apparently we’re both high as shit. Though, this is very real, no doubt.”
The sound of a clearing throat came from another location. The human, still on the floor, sat up suddenly, his hands in what could be described as ‘ninja mode’. Before the two of them were six chromatically colored horse-like creatures with huge eyes. The one in front stepped forward.
“Greetings, I am Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to-” Once again, a sentence was left unfinished.
“What are you!”
“Are you going to eat us?”
“Yeah… wait what? Why would they eat us. They’re literal ponies, we could beat their asses easily."
“All carnivorous creatures strip their prey of clothing before eating them.”
P:“That is completely false and ponies aren’t carnivorous.”
“...oh yeah.”
Another moment of silence passed as the ponies felt less and less confident about the situation. With a clearing of her throat, Twilight tried to speak once more.
“Uhm… as I was saying, welcome to Equestria. As he just said, no we are not going to eat either of you. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, one of the Elements of Harmony.”
The human squinted his eyes, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more contemptuous name before. It’s like you’re trying to make someone spit glitter out their nose.” The pumpkin headed one was quick to agree.
“Right? I was just about to say that but with shittier words.”
The two of them fist bumped. A bond had been made as they promptly ignored the ponies in front of them. The human introduced himself, “My name’s Ca… uhh… Carma.”
“Crypto.”
“Currency?”
“You wish.”
“Hey!” They turned to the offending voice. The purple one seemed a little annoyed that their attention was once again being brought to a grinding halt, “Are you two right in the head?”
“His head isn’t right.” Carma pointed to Crypto.
“Damn bro, you didn’t have to say that.. With yo-”
“Not the point! From what I can surmise, the two of you have been transported into our world via some anomaly. I don’t know how or why it has happened, but I don’t think you two should be taking this lightly. We’ve got to get you back home to your families.”
“My entire race is dead.” Everyone turned to Crypto in shock. The human however nodded in understanding. “I'm not bothered by it anymore to be honest, I’ve encountered great friends to lift me up. Plus I got saved because I was sent about 150 years into the future.”
“Worry not, my family disowned me for flirting with fictional characters so we’re basically in the same boat.”
“...that…. that is not the same thing at all but I gotchu.” They slap their hands together but then grip them for a second. The rainbow maned pegasus smiled and pointed at the two beings before them.
“I love this already.”
Twilight however had her mind stuck on one word, “Friends you say? Well, as the Element of Friendship I think it is my sworn duty to help you during your stay here. Let’s make our way back into town.” She charged her horn, and with a pop they all found themselves in the Castle once again. The human seemed to be the only one surprised.
“Gah! New location! Not getting used to that anytime soon.”
“Ahh, teleportation magic, something I use almost daily.”
“Why would anyone need to teleport on a daily basis?”
“I have to travel to a lot of kingdoms and fight corrupted gods.”
“Well whoop dee doo, at least you’ll fit right in here. Speaking of which…” the human turned to the ponies noticeably cover himself up more with the blankets they’d been given, “Do yall got any clothes for us? It’s gettin’ a little drafty in he-”
“First! Friendship!” The violet mare said this, ignoring the unamused and slightly concerned look on the faces of both the newcomers and her friends.
Today is gonna be a long day it seems.
Author's Note
This is actually a collaborative writing project between myself and Zeplen. Some fun stuff.
Episode 2: ...actually not so bad.
About ten minutes into the lecture, the only pony present anymore was Twilight, her friends having snuck out. Twilight finished, now half an hour in, and holding a small stick she had brought from… somewhere, she smiled, satisfied with her work.
“So, are there any questions before we go into Quantum Friendship Theory?” Crypto was the first to respond.
“Yeah, while I gotta admit that was mildly interesting… WHEN THE FUCK ARE WE GETTING CLOTHES TWILIT?!”
“My name is Twilight!”
Carma soon joined in, “Girls really out here getting named after a time of day while I’m still freezing.”
“Yeah, it’s cold as balls right now.” Twilight looked like she was about to retort but stopped and contemplated that for a moment.
“Bu… but scrotums are not inherently cold.”
“We know Twilight, we’re just saying it’s cold in here in our own way, no need to get all biological on us.” With a short sigh, Crypto cleared his throat, “Lemme try this again, can we please get some clothing so we don’t feel as uncomfortable as we feel now? Unlike you all, we wear clothes constantly.” He said, staring straight at her.
Twilight sighed and nodded, “Yes, yes. I apologize. You did just come here from another world and the first thing I did was put you through a speech. I may have gotten ahead of myself.”
Hearing this, Crypto seems satisfied with her apology. “It’s alright Twilight, plus I did say that the lesson was interesting so I’m pretty fine with it.” He gave her a gentle pat on the head. Carma seemed to be the only one who was still quiet.
Crypto turns his attention towards Carma,”Why so quiet all of a sudden?”
A moment passes as Carma seems to break out of the thoughtful trance he was in. He looks at the two of them for a moment before motioning Crypto to get closer to whisper something to him.
“Okay so we already know they’re not gonna eat us, right?”
“Right.”
“Well… if they’re all herbivores… what will they do when they find out we’re omnivores?”
“...oh shit.”
“Is everything okay?”
Instantly the two of them turned to Twilight wearing plastered grins on their faces, deciding to gather information about the ethics of these ponies before saying anything. Crypto was the first to respond.
“So Twilight, what are the rules around here? Since we’re new and we may be stuck for a long while, I think that we should know as much as we can.” The other seemed uneasy with Crypto suddenly having interest in their so-called “New Home”.
Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion, “Well, in all honesty the rules are pretty simple. Be nice is all we ask.” She squinted, “Why do you ask? You’re not planning anything devious are you.” With a look of terror she covered herself with her wings and stepped back, “Your species doesn’t do bad things to mares, do you?!”
Crypto put his hands up in defense, “No, trust me. We may be omnivores but we never eat a horse. It’s taboo even where we come from.”
Carma snickered a bit and couldn’t help himself, “However we do do terribly erotic things to ponies back in our respective worlds. Pretty often actually, and you’re lookin’ mighty nice right about now.”
With a blush and pop, the mare disappeared and Carma went into a laughing fit. He received a slug in the shoulder for his troubles.
“The fuck is wrong with you? That did not help things in the slightest.” Crypto couldn’t help but chuckle a little too. Granted, the situation might not have been optimal at the moment but they could surely explain themselves… probably… hopefully…
Carma shrugged and tied the current blankets they had around his body like a toga and stood up, “Well, since we’re alone, how about some proper introductions. For example, what in Sam Raimy’s Dune Buggy are you? Like, most of the people I know don’t have fruit for their heads.
“I’m a pumpkin mage that got sent to the future after my race got murked by humans and some other races and now I'm fighting evil gods. I made a pact with a demonic being to save my life and yeah i'm part demon now.” Crypto said while swirling a lick of flame around his finger. “What about you? I know you’re a human and all but what other qualities do you have?”
Carma stood up on the couch, and held a hand over his face, the aura of the room changed to one much more sinister as he looked into something unseen by any but himself. A feeling of deathly cold fear came over Crypto as he observed the man before him. Eventually the human lifted his hand and looked Crypto dead in the eye.
“I make bussin’ pancakes.” He said epicly.
After a moment, Crypto silently rose and stood over the human, staring at him menacingly, “Oh really now? Well I can make an omelet that everyone will fall in love with.”
The challenge had been set, and Equestria would never be the same.
