“What the fuck is this!?” I heard one of my teammates scream as I made my way back to the barracks after departing from Princess Luna’s room. Quickly picking up my pace I rushed to the barracks and the source of the ruckus.

“What’s going on?” I asked, throwing the doors open. Everyone was huddled around someone in the middle of the room and none of them paid my entrance any attention. I made my way over to the crowd and in the middle was Marie. As I lowered my eyes, my blood ran cold. “Is that what I think it is?” I asked one of the others in the huddle.

“I think it is.” he answered, before asking. “Marie, what did you do for a living before you joined the program?”

“Huh?” Marie looked up at the source of the question. “I was an editor for a magazine. And a damn good one I might add.” seeing that Marie could still joke in her current state brought me a small bit of relief. I once again glanced down at her hand, seemingly printed on the back of her right hand was a piece of paper with a red marker crossing out sections of it.

“Does this mean we’re all gonna get cutie marks while we’re living here?” another team member asked and I felt another spike of fear, shuddering at the thought of what my mark would look like and what it would say about me.

“Did anyone else wake up with marks on their hands or anywhere else?” I asked, glancing around the room. All I got were a few “negatives” and people shaking their heads. “Well if no one else had a mark then we can’t say for sure if we’ll all get one.”

“Now come on.” I said, swatting at people to move away. “Give Marie some breathing room, you’re gonna suffocate ‘er” After Marie was free from the crowd I began making my way over to my bunk, but was interrupted by a new guest.

“Rise and shine humans.” A guard's voice boomed as he threw open the doors. “Oh,” he let out more sheepishly. “You’re all already awake.”

“We did have to live on a government base before we all came here,” Mark replied. “We didn’t exactly get to sleep in. Although I’m surprised you were the first awake Anon.”

“The more time you waste sleeping the less time you have to work.” I stated matter-of-factly

“Anyway.” the guardpony piped up again, “Your carriages will be here soon, get your things together and I’ll escort you to the front of the palace.”

Hearing this news my mind once again drifted back to the thought of where I would be headed after leaving the castle. I was curious as to what Ponyville looked like nowadays. As we already knew, the events of the My Little Pony TV show were based off of stories here in Equestria. The proof that they actually happened being Twilight Sparkle and the other princesses. The events had happened decades or even centuries before the creator of the show ended up here.

“You heard the pony, everyone get your bags ready and line up.” Mark announced, causing everyone around me to instantly scramble to get their stuff and file in line. I also didn’t delay with my packing, and quickly went to the back of the line.

* * *

The walk through the castle was uneventful, just militarily following in a single file march. Eventually we made it to the front of the castle where a line of carriages were waiting to take us all to our various new homes. Standing just next to the line were all three of the princesses along with a dark grey mare I don’t recognise.

“Greetings everyone.” Luna’s voice boomed, not quite the Royal Canterlot Voice, but loud enough to command authority. Her mane was in a long braid, a single purple rose still peeking out of one side. “Best we do this efficiently to get you all out of here as soon as possible. When my assistant Pitch Feather reads off your new place of residence please step forward and show her your paper slip. Understood?”

A collective “Yes Your majesty.” rang out before names start being called and carriages are loaded.

“Prance.” Pitch feather read out, Marco quickly stepped forward and held up his piece of paper. “Appleloosa” Mark came forth and presented his paper before getting in the carriage which then got pulled away. “The Crystal Empire.” This time Marie went up to claim her ride. “The Griffon Empire.” 12 Stepped forward to get in her ride as well. Of course the quiet one I know next to nothing about got to go to the only country that actually serves meat.

By now there are only four of us left and the rest of the team is on their way to their new countries or cities. “Manehattan” The couple Jack and Amy both step forward both holding identical slips with the same destination. Good for them, at least the government wasn’t cruel enough to split them up. “Ponyville.” My stomach sank a little finally hearing it get called out. I took my first step forward and showed my slip to Pitch feather, making sure to keep the back and with it the fake name covered.

“Have a safe trip, and try not to get into too much trouble in Ponyville.” Twilight told me as I approached.

“Thank you Princess.” I responded. “I hope I’ll see you again some time, perhaps if I’m ever invited to a ball or gala I’ll be sure to say hi.” I pass twilight and move closer to my carriage. “And I hope to see you again soon as well Luna. Perhaps in one of my dreams.” I whispered as I passed the princess of the night so only she could hear me.

I boarded my carriage and a thought accrued to me as we began to pull away. I probably shouldn't have done it, but although I’d never admit it, when it came to things I shouldn't do I was nothing if not indulgent. I took out my quill and ink, and ripped a small piece of paper out of one of my notebooks and jotted down a quick note. “No harm in making sure the thing works.” I mumbled to myself.

“Dear Princess Luna, Try not to miss me too much, signed Anon Filler.” My note reads, and as I finished writing my signature, the note was swept up in a flash of dark purple fire. ‘Cool’ I thought, some of the more ~~paranoid~~ dedicated members of our team had sent reports back last night before going to sleep. I believed it to be pointless considering we hadn’t even been gone for twenty four hours so no one should be expecting word from us. All the notes written however had disappeared in a quick flash of white light, no fire.

I turned around and managed to catch the sight of a small purple fire appearing in front of princess Luna and spitting out a note. Upon reading said note Luna proceeded to glare daggers at my carriage as it pulled away, but she paused when we made eye contact and I took the opportunity to give her a smile and a small wave. She gave a small pout at my action and subtly waved a hoof just above the ground.

If I could get in good graces with one of the princesses then I wouldn’t have to entertain Silver as much to find out the goings on of the royal palace. Silver was a nice pony and all, but she was far more forward and expecting then I cared for. “Seriously, who kisses a person they just met because ‘I haven't fucked someone of your species yet, wanna try it?’ I mean come on, how long would I need to keep the act up for with that mare.” I rambled in my head.

Luna was a far easier partner, at least in terms of upkeep. She would be hard to court at first, but once the first step was taken, the rest of the walk would be, well a walk in the park. Plus If she ever truly needed me to commit more I could always use the loophole of, “If I have sex with her in our shared dream then I’m not actually violating my orders.” Plus if she still wasn’t satisfied then it was far easier to get ‘creative’ in the dreamscape then real life.

* * *

After a short carriage ride due to the fact that it was flown to Ponyville, we finally landed. I was told to exit and bring my luggage to the town office and they’ll tell me where I’ll be staying for the foreseeable future. Upon exiting the carriage I was instantly enveloped by pink, I was being squeezed so hard I instinctively reach for the knife usually strapped to my lower back but manage to halt my movements both because I knew this was not a threat and because it wasn't there anymore due to the restrictions back on earth. "I need to find a place to get new weapons as soon as possible" I thought absently to myself.

After a few moments my feet were finally put back firmly on the ground. “Hi I'm Pinkie Pie welcome to Ponyville I heard we’d be getting a visitor from Earth staying with us you’re a human right I’ve never met a human before you have to tell me all about your world some time I’m sure it’s really cool they never told us what day you’d get here so I didn’t have time to plan a welcome to Ponyville party yet so I’ll start working on it right now it was nice meeting you bye.”

And just like that without even taking a breath Pinky had sped off. “Is that really the original pinky Pie?” I wondered. “I know she was kind of considered a freak of nature, but how the hell is she still alive?” Twilight was one thing, she’s an immortal alicorn so I expected her to be here, but Pinky? I did not see that coming. She was different too, her voice was obviously different from her voice actor back on earth. Surprisingly it was actually a pitch or two lower and she never once even gave off the impression she required oxygen to function. Her fur was also less pale, it was closer to the color of her mane from the actual show, her mane being only a slight shade darker than her fur.

“She’s as lively as ever.” one of my carriage guards comments. “You’d think after living for almost two centuries she’d lose some of that energy. Seriously, how is anypony supposed to even understand her when she talks that fast?”

“Hi. I’m Pinkie pie, welcome to Ponyville.” I begin to recite from memory as I go back to the carriage to get my luggage that I wasn’t able to take out before being bear hugged by Pinkie. “I heard we'd be getting a visitor from Earth staying with us. You’re a human right?.” I pause my speaking as I do another inventory check of my bags before resuming. “I’ve never met a human before, you have to tell me all about your world some time, I’m sure it’s really cool. They never told us what day you’d get here so I didn’t have time to plan a welcome to Ponyville party yet, so I’ll start working on it right now. It was nice meeting you bye.”

I glanced over at the guards as I stepped back out of the carriage which both had rather perplexed looks on their faces. “What? You said you couldn’t understand her, so I assumed you wanted to know what she said.”

“You really got all that? That’s actually kind of scary.” At that comment I decided I had everything I needed and began to make my way towards the town office.

It was a bit odd, in the castle everything seemed bigger. Obviously you could just chalk that up to being grand because it was, after all, a castle. But even here in a small town everything seemed just a little bigger than what I was used to. The table and chairs outside were thicker and more sturdy, the doorways were a bit taller. Even the alleys seemed wider, more like small side streets.

I finally reached a small building tucked away on one of the back alleys and opened the large front door to find out just where I’d be living from here on out. As I entered the mare behind the front desk perked up and leaned over her desk slightly. “Ah, you must be the human the Princess said would be arriving today. Give me a moment to go fetch Mayor Quickstamp and he’ll have the paperwork for you to fill out.”

Without another word the pony hooped out of her seat and trotted into a closed door on the back wall. I took a look around the small waiting area before the pony emerged again, this time with another just behind her. “Hey, I’m Mayor Quickstamp, you must be the diplomat from the human world.” the pegasus said lifting their hoof, although it was curled back and lifted higher than I was used to.

I let out a small amused sigh as I realised what they were doing. I balled my fist and raised it a bit away from their hoof and at the same time we hoof/fist bumped. “Sup, I’m Anon.” I said, adjusting to the ponies demeanor. Interactions always went smoother if you could match the other person/pony’s energy. “I was told I had to fill out some paperwork and then you’d tell me where I’ll be crashing.”

“Yep,” she said, reaching back and pulling out a few loose papers and handing them over. “Fill these out best you can so we can get a better idea of anything you might need while you’re staging here. After you’re done we’ll get you set up at Carousel Boutique.”

I still at that last sentence going slightly rigid, slowly looking up from examining the papers in my hand. “Wait, as in…”

I’m cut off by a small chuckle from the Mayor. “Not too surprising, the element of generosity agreed to host our important guest.” The mayor then begins to walk over to the coat rack in the corner before slipping a tan coat off it and on her back accompanied by a matching fedora.. “I've got meetings go to and projects to help with, so I'll be out of the office for the rest of the day. Just give those papers to Steady Quill here when you’re done and she'll let you know how to get to Carousel Boutique.”

"Great." I cursed internally. "So no only is Pinkie still here, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say all the element bearers were still alive and kicking. The government really does love keeping information us and the rest of the public don't they."

“I’ll see you at home later.” Quickstamp says giving Steady Quill a peck on the cheek who blushed furiously in return.

“Wow,” I let out, moving towards one of the large chairs. “Even Equestrians can’t resist their secretaries. Maybe we have more in common with ponies than we originally thought,”

That was the first thing that earned a full outburst of laughter from the laid back Mayor. “I like you.” they declared, giving a firm pat on my back as they passed and made their way to the door.

Quickstamp gives a small wave to me and Steady Quill before closing the door and leaving us in what Steady Quill probably thought was an awkward silence, since she felt the need to fill it. “I-it’s not like w-we’re hiding it or anything. We’ve been dating for almost two years, and the whole town knows.”

“The public displays of affection just take some getting used to?” I offer, checking off a box to clarify that I, in fact, could not photosynthesise.

“Yeah. I mean, I like how laid back and carefree she is, but sometimes I wish she’d give me a little warning before doing some of the stuff she does.“ Steady Quill rants a little bit.

“I’m required by human law to inform you that I’m not a licensed therapist.” I can’t help the slight smirk that takes over my lips and I tick off the last box to inform that I do indeed need to breathe oxygen.

“RIght.” Steady Quill huffed, but she had a smile on her face. “All done?” She questioned.

“Yeah, here.” I handed over the papers and grabbed my bags off the floor where they had been temporarily forgotten and began to head for the door.

“Ah, Carousel Boutique…”

“Isn’t too far from town hall in the southern part of town?” I interrupt.

“Um, yes. It shouldn't take you too long to get there.” Steady Quill answers in mild confusion

“Thanks for the directions.” and with that I exited the town office and began to walk to where I’d spend the rest of my time in Ponyville living.

* * *

The walk to Carousel Boutique wasn’t too bad, it wasn’t very out of the way and most of the ponies at least pretended that they weren’t staring. I approached the front door and gave it a few firm knocks before I heard a light trot approach the door. It opened and Rarity gave me a quick once over before her face fell slightly in a look of mild disappointment, but it only lingered for a moment before her smile was back on her face a bit more strained.

“When you heard the term diplomat were you expecting someone in finer clothes and better mannerisms?” I prompted, crossing my arms and leaning against the doorway, trying to cover my own mild disappointment. There was one detail about Rarity no show could have prepared me for, the faintest lingering scent of bleach clung to the fashionista’s fur, covered by heavier perfume, but the scent was still there.

“No darling.” Rarity replied, the slightest flush on her cheeks in embarrassment of getting caught. “I was just surprised, I thought you’d be taller.”

‘Oldest excuse in the book but I’ll take what I can get.’ I thought as Rarity moved aside to let me in the closed storefront. “How often do you have to do it?” I asked, following her into the back.

“Do what?” she asked, only mild confusion in her voice.

“I can smell the bleach in your coat.” At that Rarity still completely and I was forced to stop as well as the fashionista turned her head around slowly but made no move to speak. “I’d rather not be around when you have to refresh it to keep your roots hidden and I’m guessing it’s something you don’t want to have to do knowing I’m wandering around the house.”

Rarity blinked slowly a couple times before turning the rest of her body sideways to half face me. “Usually once every 25 days or so.” She ran a hoof through her coat. “I refreshed it last night so I shouldn't have to redo it for a bit.”

“Alright” I said strolling past her into the kitchen. “Thanks for this by the way, I wasn’t sure you were someone who wanted to put up with this.”

Rarity followed me into the back and began going through one of the cupboards. “You’re nowhere near the rudest person I’ve met, you're a bit blunt, but it's no trouble.”

“I was actually referring more to Pinkie Pie.“ I clarified.

“What do you mean?”

“Well not only am I a human diplomat, but I’m also a new resident of Ponyville. It won’t be too long before she bursts through that door with a party cannon and enough guests to fill the Canterlot Castle ballroom.”

“Oh silk string, I forgot about that, I guess my age really is getting to me.” Rarity wined putting a dramatic hoof on her forehead.

“You don’t look a day over 80.” I deadpanned from the seat at the table I had claimed. Earning a glare from the mare.

“What time did you arrive in Ponyville?” Rarity asked electing to ignore my ‘compliment’.

“A little after Nine.” I said, glancing down at my watch which I had altered to match Equestrian time as best I could. It had taken a lot of reprogramming because according to a guard I had asked in the castle the days here were 18 hours of sunlight and 12 hours of night. That would take some getting used to.

“And how long did it take for Pinky to find you.”

“I hadn’t even grabbed my bags from my carriage.”

“Ah, I see.” Rarity seemed to ponder for a minute before turning to me with furrowed brows. “I do believe we have about 23 seconds.” Because of my love for theatrics and comedic timing I opted to enter a sort of staring contest as we sat in complete silence, only broken by the ticking of the clock. And then, 23 seconds later the front shop door burst open and a loud explosion was heard as confetti drifted in though the kitchen door and booming music began to play.

“Thank you for your generosity, sorry for inconvenience.” I monotoned from my seat.

“Would you like a cup of tea to go with the cake Pinky’s going to shove down your throat.” The mare asked, procuring a kettle as well as some herbs and honey.

“please.”

Author's Note

Still alive ~~barely~~,

Sorry these are taking so long. I've given up on actually having an upload schedule and I'm just kinda writing when I have time or a good idea. Hope you like what I've managed.