Prince Blueblood strutted in dapper attire across the perfectly manicured grass of the West Castle Courtyard, twirling his croquet mallet like a cane on his way to his next shot. With a precise swing, he sent his ball through the next hoop. He stepped aside to let his competitor take his shot. With a clack of the wooden hammer, his ball came to a rest abutting the first.
"Heh! The balls are touching," Shining Armor said with a snicker.
Prince Blueblood rolled his eyes. "How uncouth."
Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance sat nearby on the garden patio watching the stallions play with their balls. Celestia sipped her Tequila Sunrise, and Cadance likewise with her glass of pink Moscato.
"As if you would know anything at all about balls, Prince Armor!" Blueblood spat.
"You ought to come up to the Crystal Empire and see them for yourself, Blueblood," Shining said. "I think you'd be quite impressed."
"Ha! The very sentiment is laughable!" Blueblood punctuated his sentence with another forced laugh. "Why would I waste my time to travel all that way to see your paltry balls when I have my own massive balls right here?"
"I don't know, Blueblood," Shining said. "My balls are pretty darn big. Just ask Cadance! She's seen them for herself!"
"Oh yes," Cadance deadpanned. "Huge."
Blueblood rolled his eyes. "Forgive me for dismissing the obviously-biased opinion of your spouse. Can you even call them yours, now that you're married? It seems to me they are more Cadance's balls nowadays. In any case, my balls are objectively bigger than yours."
"Oh?" Shining asked in curiosity. "Care to put your coin purse where your mouth is with a wager?"
"Have you lost your marbles? Do you think you can afford my wager?" Blueblood asked, flourishing his royal jewels. "Lest you forget the value of that fishing tackle I got you as a wedding gift."
"And I was very appreciative of it," Shining said with a nod. "It was quite thoughtful of you to know my passion for fishing. To be sure I've gotten quite a lot of use out of my wedding tackle. But my challenge still stands. Shall we see who has the biggest balls then?"
"I can't imagine you or I will ever overcome this impasse of opinions over who has the biggest balls," Blueblood said. "We will need an impartial, objective method to see whose balls are indeed superior."
"What do you suggest?" Shining asked.
"Mayhaps we see who can get the most ponies to come in one night?" Blueblood suggested.
"Ha! Capital idea!" Shining agreed. "I can always get my wife to come!"
"Yes, but if given the choice between us," Blueblood glanced over at Princess Cadance, "I wonder who could get her to come first?"
"It's no choice at all! Me, obviously!" Shining said with certainty.
"Shall we make her our judge then?" Blueblood asked. "Let her see our balls for herself and decide whose are bigger? Even as your spouse I'm confident that she will declare that my balls are the biggest and that I can get the most ponies to come in one night! I have a whole room in the castle just for my balls! I've seen the Crystal Palace! I don't think you have the stones for it! I'd wager I could even get your sister to come!"
"No way!" Shining said. "If anypony knows how to get my sister to come, it's me! There's no way she'd prefer your balls to her own brother's!"
"Perhaps. But I know I can always get my aunt to come! Isn't that right?" Blueblood asked.
"Hmm," Celestia gave a vaguely affirmative groan. "Yes, I'm afraid by my count, Blueblood has gotten me to come more that you have, Shining."
"He's had more opportunities!" Shining defended. "You've both of our balls for yourself, Princess Celestia, which do you prefer?"
"Ah but that isn't the wager, now is it?" Celestia said. "As I recall, it was to see who could get the most ponies to come in one night, yes?"
"Right," Shining agreed. "Well then, I suppose we ought to get to it."
"What do you say, one week's time hence to prepare our balls and give ponies a chance to choose?" Blueblood said.
Shining Armor extended his hoof. "Oh, it is on! Prepare to see just how small your balls are compared to mine!"
"We shall see, just how many ponies you can't get to come, when I can!"
One night, one week hence in the Crystal Empire, Shining Armor stood waiting for ponies to come. He held a stick of 'blueberries on the branch'. There was no neat way to slurp the small blue balls into his mouth, staining his lips. His ballroom was the biggest, and yet, empty. No, he didn't get Twilight Sparkle to come. He couldn't even Cadance to come. As he stood there with his twig and berries in hoof, he burned up just thinking about the idea that his sister and even his wife could prefer enjoying Blueblood's balls.
But in fact, Blueblood faired no better. He stood alone at his refreshment table with his kettle and teabag. He had been so confident with how many ponies had enjoyed his balls in the past. He was so sure that everypony in Canterlot would come that night. He had been looking forward to getting Shining's wife to come. His sister and maybe even his mother too. But alas, he did not have anypony coming, no matter how hard he had tried.
Princess Cadance and Twilight Sparkle knew, just as well as most every other pony in Equestria, including Shining's mother, Twilight Velvet, just who could get them to come the most if given the choice. The one pony whose balls are always bouncing left and right, are always full, and where everypony comes and comes again.
Because Prince Blueblood has big balls.
And Shining Armor has big balls.
But Princess Celestia has the biggest balls of them all!
Author's Note
Happy April 1st
