the radioactive guard

by Mr 3

Rating: mature
Tags: Royal Guard, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 3403

a guard with a secret, with no known past to pony kind in a would ran by mares, given a unwanted responsibility and a secret to keep, how will he survive the pony land

a guard with a secret, with no known past to pony kind in a world ran by mares, given a unwanted responsibility and a secret to keep, how will he survive the pony land

Published 2022-06-25 15:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-27 05:18:28 UTC

Chapter 1

In a bar in Manehattan a lone stallion walks in catching the eyes of a few drunk mares. Looking around he sees that there are booths on one side room, and the stools by the bar on the other, and on one of those stools is a familiar face,"Phil is that you" he said while approaching the figure.

Phil brakes his stare from his drink and turns around to spot the one who called him," Anonymous is that you? God damn man what is the chances of us meeting again, hear get up here" he speaks while patting to the stool beside him, "how long has it been?"

Hopping on to the stool "it's bin too long, 3 years I think. What have you bin doing sense the last time?"

"Well learning my place here, met some nice mares, and I got a few foals on the way", he says proudly.

"your in a herd? With foals on the way? Damn you are one lucky man", the bartender walks over and asks Anon for his order, and he orders a whiskey.

"How is the old man?"

That question killed the mood,"he didn't make it out of the valley" Phil asks what killed him," the worst way possible in our line of work"

"Rest in peace the old man" they sat in the bar not speaking to each other like they both know that they were giving a moment of silence to him. after a little bit Phil speaks,"what uh, what about you? what have you bin doing for the past few years?"

"I work in the royal guard, my role job in the guard is to be the personal body guard of Princess Celestia".

He nearly takes a spit take hearing the news,"wait what? YOU of all people or ponies alike are a body guard to thee Princess Celestia, ruler of equestria and basically the god of the sun? That Princess Celestia?" Anon noded with that Phil responded with one word,"spill".

"Are you sure, it an't a short story. I mean I got a few hours but still".

"Don't care, I just want to hear a story"

"Alright so I left about 3 months after you did, when I got over the mountains I found a pony settlement, and because mares are men and stallions are women in what ever fucked up place were in, they thought I was a scared stallion or something, hell most were flirting with me more then trying to help. After that event I got out of that town asap eventually finding Chariot and enlisted into the guard"

"You have to admit these ponies can be fucking adorable"

"No shit, a few weeks ago the princess of the sun acted like a real hor- I mean uh, our larger pony equivalent"

"Right, I forgot that the H word means whore", Phil starts to chuckle," yeah I don't think calling the ruler of a country a whore in a country that loves their ruler is a good idea", the pair of stallions chuckle to them selves."Well there are all ready a lot of horses is this country what is one more, speaking of witch is that saying true about the taller the stallion the bigger there 'equipment' is" he asks.

Anon gives his friend a deadpan face,"why do ponies keep on asking me that question, I know I'm tall but, if you must know yes it is true, at least for me. Are you happy now? Are you happy that you know that the taller you are the bigger the dick you have between your legs" he says catching a few mares attention. Realising how loud he said that information,"god damn it why did I say that out loud" he mumbles angrily.

"Looks like you fight mares off with a stick eh"

A mare hops on to a stool besides you and seductively asks you,"hows it going big stuff", Anon gives a small growl to the mare then looks to the mare and tells her to "buck off" and to "go back to your mare posse", and she does just that returning to her friends in a booth.

Phil looks at the stallion with shock,"how could reject somepony like that she's hot, and why couldn't you letter down early" he questions.

"One, I know, I know she is hot, I rejected hotter, being good looking is a two edged sword, sure you get all the mares, but after about a month of being asked out weather for a date or just wanted a one-night stand type deal, it got annoying. Two, if I told every mare off politely I wouldn't have time to do anything done"

"Did you take of there sex offers", Anon told him no,"why not"

"If I did mares would want me even more, and these mares are trying hard, the other day a mare tried to get me in bed by dressing up in a bridle, saddle, and all that. Sad part that was her seconded time trying that, and that was the third mare to try that. I still don't know if it was more cute, hot, or kinky. Anyway can I get back to the story I was telling before you interrupted me, I can? Good, where did I leave off, right, enlisted in the guard and was the top of my class, I uh, I think I broke some drill sargents or , I-I broke something with those ponies. I say that because I was stronger, faster, smarter, and more 'scarier' then the mares, and that is from the mares whom I battled, for our final test"

"Did you do the- I did the rebel yell" Anon finishes for him and phil starts cracking up, "if it works it ain't stupid" Anon throws at him.

"Anyway uh, well then I was assigned to the thrown room, there thinking is to keep me close to the safest place in the country, and the safest place in the country is around the princess, so there you go, but the story doesn't get interesting till the 3rd day on the job. Now I noticed on my second day the princess was looking tired, and on the third day I found out she hasn't slept in 8 days, out of her own stubbornness. I'll continue my story as soon as I am able to wave down this bartender"

Author's Note

Our journey has began.

chapter 2

Anon is trotting down a hall in the Counterlot castle, Anon is a unicorn stallion that is a few inches sorter then Princess Celestia, no wonder way mares love him, with a red coat and a blond main and tail with a white horn. Trotting into the thrown room you are able to hear a noble speaking to the princess, well not really talking some were in between the tone of the 'disappointed parent' and 'enraged karen'. Slowing to a walk he approaches a guard he doesn't know the name of,"what is the situation"

The guard looks to him and nods,"well classic noble walks in like she owns the place then starts complaining about something stupid, it helps the noble that Princess Celestia hasn't slept in about 8 days"

Anon stares and the guard," are you telling the truth?" he asks, and the mare nods,"sigh, avenged me if I end up dead or in the dungeons" the mare looks at him confusingly and watches as he walks up to the noble and sternly but loudly speaks to her,"listen hear dip shit, do you know who you are talking to, that is Princess Celestia, the ruler of this country, so what ever it is it can wait", the mare begins to speak but he bets her to it," is someone dying", the mare nods no,"is there a plot against the princess", the mare nods no," is the world ending" now you can tell he is pissed off, the mare nods no,"so what is it" before she could answer she ran out of the throne room as fast as her little legs could carry her.

'one down one to go' the stallion thinks to himself. He whistles to the guard we was just talking to and tells her," go let them know court is closed for a few days" wanting to avoid his wrath she did what she was told. Walking over to the princess that was blearily awake, getting closer to her she mumbles,"how can I help you to day my little pony"

"First off you can go to bed, then stop working your self to hard, it is my third day and I am not letting you fall asleep on your thrown on the 4th" you scold her," come on get up, I'll escort you to your bedroom chambers, or what ever they may be called"

"Guard, I'm alright, I just need a" she yawns "a cup of coffee and I'll be right as rain"

"Bullshit, you would be right as rain when you get some good shut eye now lets go", the Princess was both confused and shocked, confusion was mostly from how tired she was, but the shock, that was from somepony treating her like a pony, not a goddess who's word is law, but like a average mare.

At the moment, Celestia was slouching making Anon taller then her, giving her the allusion that the guard in front of her is bigger then her and at the moment stronger then her ,"ok ok, give me a second to get up" she gets up on for legs and shakily walks a few steps before falling, but luckily for her Anon was there to catch her before she completely fell.

"whoa, are you alright?", he asks her but in response all she did was rub her head into his neck with a happy sigh,"come on get up" she didn't get up,'if she can't stand she isn't going to make it to the bed', he thinks,"I guess I am caring you then" she gives off a adorable pout and mumbles,"I am not a foal"

"Well your acting like one so deal with it", he lifts her up with his magic and puts her on his back,"for how big you are you are really light" she blushes for some unknown reason from that comment. On the way to her chambers, mares from the guard look flabbergasted seeing the all mighty Princess Celestia being carried by a guard, and the only stallion guard in history to join the guard.

Reaching the the doors of the princesses bed room there were two guards station there," is the door unlocked?" the guards said nothing and did nothing, just stared in shock, "this is getting old", he mumbles,"well buck you then just stand there with your hoof up your flank" that got them to move and Anon swore they ravel the speed of moms barging in to a room to accuse there kid of doing something. The guards close the doors behind anon with a clunk after walking in the room, finding the bed he lifts up the blankets and levitate the princess underneath them and covering her up,"now stay here and sleep, I'll come back in a few days see how you are".

Opening the door, the stallion see's the guards are no longer at the door. Anon pulls the door closed as gentle as possible but still creates a large clunk. Starting down the hall Anon thinks to him self,'I should get back before the captain noticed that I left my pos-' -CLANK-. Anon stops in his tracks and looks back seeing Celestia out of her royal attire with eyes widening clearly trying to sneak off, "do you really think you sh- and your running, you couldn't walk to your room but your able to run" he states giving chase to the princess.

Anon couldn't tell whether she was was running away for fun, or actually running away and failing, ether for having a large rear or the lack of sleep, or both, but the fact was, she wasn't fast, he was able to catch up easily. "Princess you ain't going to work, your going to your bed".

Looking back to see Anonymous chasing after her a goofy smile was pasted on her face,"no I'm not, I'm never going to sleep!" then promptly running into a wall of conveniently placed boxes, all this happening with in 50 feet of the princess room door.

Anon gives a small chuckle at her predicament, seeing Celestia in a pile of boxes with the," I got caught stealing from the cookie jar" witch the rumor around the castle is she does this often, but didn't get caught, yet. "come on princess lets get you back to bed and out of those boxes, not in that order but the main points, too bed and out of boxes" he helps the alabaster alicorn out of the destroyed pile of boxen, then tries to run but the unicorn catches her in his magic,"no you don't" the alicorn tries to use her magic to counter his magic but fails,"you can't use your magic right?" she nods "well after 3 days of staying awake your body shuts down your magic to save energy, it is a rare fact that not many ponies know because nopony in there right mind stays up for 3 days, the only reason I know because I wasn't in the right of mind"

Going back to the princess room and placing the princess into her bed and making sure to tuck her in tight this time, and this time she was 100% asleep,'I should go find rope or chains or something just in case she gets any ideas, probably should hope she won't throw me in the dungeons, or fire me' he thinks to himself.

Closing the princess door for the second time makes a large clunk. A guardmare, the sameone from the throne room a few hours ago on a task to find the stallion that disappered with the princess, walking down a hall connected to Princess Celestia's chambers and spots the stallion doing something to the door,"what are you doing? Ponies have been looking all over for you, what have you doing for the past hour?"

He looks to the mare the back to what he is working on,"trying to lock the door"

She was looking at him even more confused then before,"why not go and get the key?"

"I doubt they would give me the key, and the big foal that we are guarding would would escape from her bed" then the lock made a clunk," ha got it, so who is guarding the throne room?"

"It's lunch time, and wouldn't she be able to unlock the door with her magic?"

"She can't use magic, after 3 days being awake the body turns off it's magic source to the horn bla bla bla science shit I don't understand, now to lunch. By the way I didn't catch your name"

"Honey Star"

"Well it is nice to meet you Honey Star, mine is anonymous, or anon for short" the two guard ponys talked, and she joined the guard around the same time as anon did, apparently all of the new guards are stationed in the castle before being shipped out to a different station.

Reaching the guard's cafeteria a murmur was in the air as well as the smell of food. Now this food was much like cafeteria food but only the good parts, like pizza that was so good you you remember sitting in traffic and think back to that pizza and say,"damn that was some good god damn pizza". After grabbing lunch and finding a empty table a pair of doors open like someone kicked them open, almost braking the hings. The pony responsible was a white unicorn with a brown mane and with a fury of bond in raged Karen the yelled,"WHO DID IT" the sound of her voice even made the walls shutter.

The Restart

The cafeteria stands quiet, the pissed off mare yells,"WHO IS THE MARE OF A BITCH WHO GOT HER TO BED! I WANT NAMES PONIES". At that instant 80% of the occupants point to anon.

Anon then mumbles quietly, "have they never heard of snitches get stitches" then get tackled by the charging mare who now seems not so pissed. Some may say she was happy.

The pissed pony is now a happy pony know thanks the stallion with all her heart, "I have been trying to get the princess to sleep bit she continued to refused", at some point anon stopped paying attention and saw a bag of popcorn under the table he was nocked off of and starts eating it.

At that moment 5 ponies walk in to an office space directly out of a old detective movie, the big wooden desk in the far side of the room. In front if it there are 2 chairs that may look better if they were in a living room. Behind the desk sits a unicorn stallion with green fur and mane, watching the next episode of the story, but then turning the television off. The 5 ponies who have walked in were Princess Celestia, Raven Inkwell, Honey Star, anonymous, as well as Derpy Hooves. "Glad you all could make it".

"Pleasure is ours mysterious producer".

"Right I as a character doesn't have a name. Screw it I don't need a name for this. I have called you all for- yes anon number 3467fu?", seeing anon had his hoof up.

"Why is Derpy Hooves here, she wasn't even planed to be in this story. Did she get lost and followed us here?"

"I just don't know what went wrong"

Back to the unnamed producer,"Eeeeyyyyy, she said the line. But the reason why she is here is because Google has decided she is best pony so congratulations Derpy you are best pony the entire building is made out of muffins. So go nuts" ,before he finished his sentence she was out the door and rapidly started eating.

"The building is made out of muffins?", Raven asked.

"Yes why do you think we always had ants, and the amount we saved on production", the producer walked to the window," it may not make since but hay, we are a bunch of cartoon ponies", At that point the producer spotted the gray Pegasus eating a large chunk of building," ok .Listen to me quickly, we are restarting this story. I simply have no idea how to continue from this point"

" you don't know how to continue the story? But episode 2 was good!", the alicorn told.

"Episode 2 was good we may reuse part of it but I hate episode 1 with a passion it should be burned in the deepest parts of hell. And with episode 3, episode 3 is a train wreck, simple as that. Frankly I have no idea on how to continue it properly to make something truly good", he explains while walking out of the office that was currently crumbling from the support muffins being eaten.

"We are also recasting, Princess Celestia, Ravin, you two are returning, anon what ever your number was, and Honey Star you are gone. good working with you and good luck with the job market." the producer gives the two ponies a farewell, then the floor they stood on fell into the basement.

"should we help them", Raven asks.

The producer looks over to her," they are cartoon ponies they are fine. The only thing that may kill them is the dip, and we store that in the basement". Now thinking on who will replace them," I think Sunset Shimmer my be able to replace her but I am not sure".

"Why not Starlight Glimmer?" the alicorn asks.

"She runs a cult"

"Right right right"

"Anyway, I will figure this out later, but now we restart, alright I hope second time is the charm , If it isn't I am going to be pissed. time to restart".

RESTARTING...

Author's Note

You heard it from the green cartoon horse this story is restarting. Sorry for not posting then posting this chapter perhaps rising a few of your hopes for the story, but stay toned for more of the radioactive guard, and I will do my best to deliver. Thanks for reading.