Darkness Awesome Finally Goes to Earth
From where he lay in bed with Princess Luna, Darkness Awesome appeared the picture of contentment. He had found and defeated all the villains in Equestria, he had defied the orders of his mother, Princess Celestia, and he was going on a hot date with Cadance, Princess of Love, after Shining Armor betrayed her and broke her heart. Life as Equestria's most valuable alicorn was about to pay off big time for him.
Alas, happy endings are something Darkness Awesome is quite simply too awesome to experience.
A portal tore open between time and space and none other than Donald Trump poked his head through. "Darkness Awesome, I heard you are a terrific hero, the best. I need you to help me with something."
Darkness Awesome rolled his eyes. "Again, Donny? Do you need me to talk to your wife about you?"
Trump shook his head solemnly. "Got someone trying to be tougher than me. I need a hero, not a friend. You're my hero."
Darkness awesome grinned sheepishly. "Lead the way, I'll help."
Trump gestured next to him in the portal and Darkness Awesome jumped right in.
When Darkness Awesome awoke on Earth, Trump was gone. The thing that woke him up was a distant mortar shell exploding. Immediately, Darkness Awesome leapt into the air and flew toward the sound of the explosion. It wasn't cool unless he was the one doing it.
What he found was a Russian artillery battery bombing a building of innocent school children.
As he took in his surroundings, the artillery lobbed another shell into the air. Darkness Awesome gasped and flew to catch the mortar, stopping it inches from landing on the building and leveling it. He then flew the shell back over to the artillery battery and chucked it into the artillery, blowing it and all of its operators to high heaven.
The immediate threat removed, Darkness Awesome flew back to the school building. He bucked the front door down and dashed in, shouting, "Where are the children? Is everyone okay?"
An adult man pointing a firearm at Darkness Awesome shouted, "Хто ти блять?"
Darkness Awesome stared at the gun, then at the soldier, his eyes clearly piercing daggers into him from behind his dark sunglasses. "Don't make me ask again, motherbucker."
The man, clearly uncertain how to respond, stammered out, "What—you?"
Darkness Awesome replied, "Your savior." He then flew through the building, looking for the women and children. Despite not finding any, he was certain that he had done the right thing in helping the innocent Ukrainian people in the schoolhouse who only had weapons for self-defense by solving their Russian artillery problem.
Darkness Awesome departed the schoolhouse and began patrolling the countryside, looking for Russian tanks to zap with magic. Despite Darkness Awesome's belief that he had entered an active warzone, a remarkable number of civilian-looking buildings still stood, and no military equipment seemed to be patrolling the roads.
Perhaps Trump had mistakenly teleported Darkness Awesome to the wrong place? That didn't seem right, though. Trump never made a mistake in his life, he always did the right thing. There must be a reason Trump brought the most powerful alicorn in Equestria here.
As if ordained by fate, a fighter jet screeched just over Darkness Awesome's head, nearly hitting him. That bastard. Darkness Awesome immediately took off after the plane, accidentally going so quickly that he performed a sonic rainboom over the Ukrainian countryside, catching up to the plane and climbing up to the cockpit. He glared at the confused pilot, then climbed to the wing and punched it with his hoof, causing the plane to immediately lose stability and start spinning out of control. As the pilot reached to eject himself from the cockpit, Darkness Awesome grabbed his hand and pushed it away, then punched the control panel, preventing him from escaping safely. The pilot stared at Darkness Awesome in shock, then Darkness Awesome took off from the plane, leaving the pilot careening toward the ground, where he crashed into the hillside in a fiery explosion.
Immediately, three more jets flew past Darkness Awesome. He quickly caught up to the nearest one, grabbing the nose of the plane and steering it directly toward its comrade. They collided and debris rained down along the hillside. The final jet made for the nearby city, though its maneuvers indicated it was unlikely to be making for a target on account of both its wingmen exploding. Darkness Awesome, uncaring as to whether the Russian plane intended to hit a target or not, flew directly through the cockpit, shearing the nose off and causing the pilot to fly out of the top, colliding with the body of his plane and falling unconscious before plummeting to the ground.
Seeing three planes explode over the city, a woman saw the dark shape of her savior flitting through the sky, exclaiming, "Привид Києва!"
Darkness Awesome nodded his head. He was truly a savior to these people already. However, this was not going to end the war. He needed to go to the source.
Russian slaves were milling about the shopping plaza of Moscow, purchasing Hot Topic shirts and McDonald's burgers for their evil Russian slave masters with millions of rubles. Despite their clear oppression, they seemed none the wiser, having lived under the boot of Putin's regime for so long that they no longer realized they had been robbed of their basic human dignity.
Thankfully, one brave alicorn saw their plight and wanted to fix it. Permanently.
Darkness Awesome streaked into the mall, a blur of black and red that smashed through the window of one of the stores. Then he breathed fire into the shops and lit them all on fire. People ran screaming from the building, their apparent appreciation for what Darkness Awesome was doing for them being waylaid by their imminent danger. Darkness Awesome chose to forgive them their trespasses, as he was one of the most humble, if not the most humble creature in existence.
From here, Darkness Awesome infiltrated the Kremlin by dressing as one of the guards, using one of the uniforms he'd jacked from an officer using the bathroom, which Darkness Awesome had reached by climbing through a vent. As he made his way to Putin's office, he reflected on his journey thus far, all his heroic deeds and the innocents he had saved. Thankfully, the Russians weren't real humans, only the Ukrainians were—otherwise he may have had to worry that he'd gotten a little overzealous in his retaliation for the poor women and children of Ukraine. Perhaps, at the end of this journey, the Russian people may be free to break the shackles of their imperialism and instead be more like the Ukrainians—peaceful, happy, and pretty much the exact opposite of the Russians, since they are two completely separate and distinct people and there is practically no genealogical overlap between the two.
Before he knew it, Darkness Awesome was standing before the doors of Putin's office. Two guards paid him little mind, as if confident in their leader's superhuman strength to defend himself. In their defense, they hadn't met Darkness Awesome. They didn't know what they were in for.
Darkness Awesome bucked down the door, causing both soldiers to exclaim in surprise, then point their guns at him. He ducked and they fired at the same time, killing one another. Darkness Awesome didn't kill unless it was absolutely necessary.
Putin had already risen from his chair, as if expecting a hostile visitor. "Ah, Darkness Awesome. I have heard much about you."
"Ah, so you've heard of me."
"Yes, I just said—"
Before he could finish his sentence, Putin had a hoof pressed to his throat, restricting his breathing. Darkness Awesome put his face inches from Putin's as he whispered, "Time's up for you, motherbucker."
Putin only chuckled. "Perhaps time is up for both of us."
As if responding to Putin's words, a siren began to wail, heralding a danger that Darkness Awesome hadn't realized. A miniature sun appeared outside the window, followed by a rushing of air, a shattering of windows, and a blinding pain. Darkness Awesome was disoriented sufficiently that he couldn't tell which happened first and which was last. All he knew was that this Putin guy really wanted him dead.
Unsurprisingly, Darkness Awesome emerged unscathed. The Kremlin had disappeared, and Putin had disappeared with it. All that was left was a crater.
Darkness Awesome sensed this wasn't over, though. Beneath the rubble lay a massive shape, slowly moving, as if a new sinister creature was being born.
Eventually, Putin managed to move the rubble off himself, his now shockingly bulky body tensing its muscles as it completed its transformation. Putin laughed loudly. "The US dogs thought they could nuke me to death, did they? Well, I can absorb radiation. Nothing can stop me."
Darkness Awesome flew down and punched Putin right in his fucking gut.
Putin let out a gasp of shock and surprise. Darkness Awesome followed this up by planting his lips on Putin's, not like a kiss, Darkness Awesome isn't gay, but sort of like how Dementors suck out souls in Harry Potter. And Darkness Awesome just sucked the radiation out of Putin, and Putin kept all the excess skin and looked like a used condom, laying sadly on the floor.
Darkness Awesome wasn't done yet, though. He hauled Putin up and chained him to a chair, then began tearing his fingernails off one by one, stabbing a hot poker into his eyes, peeling off his skin. All the shit Putin deserves.
While he was being tortured, Putin managed to cry out, "Why are you doing this to me?"
Darkness Awesome simply responded, "Because I'm the good guy."
Eventually, Putin bled to death, but as the color finally drained from his face, Darkness Awesome realized that the face looked a little rubbery. He decided to try pulling it away, and Putin's face was removed to reveal none other than Joe fucking Biden.
Darkness Awesome gasped. "Why, Joe! Why would you betray your own people!"
Joe smiled wryly. "Fuck the voters. I wanted a war."
Darkness Awesome shook his head. "Well, I'm ending it." Then he fucking chopped Joe's head off.
Darkness Awesome flew over Moscow, proclaiming to the people, "Your leader is dead! Donald Trump is the true leader!"
The people began crying out in adoration and appreciation for Darkness Awesome. He didn't understand their words, since they were in Russian, but he was sure they were happy with what he'd done.
Darkness Awesome then personally flew to Putin's house where he encountered his hot wife. I mean, none of Putin's wives are/were hot, but like, they probably used to be back when he first married them. Just imagine his wife is hot, okay? So Darkness Awesome sees her and is like, "So, you're a widow now."
Putin's wife simply gazed at Darkness Awesome and said, "Take me." Darkness Awesome then partook in some interspecies relations.
Following the double assassination of Putin and Biden, the world entered into an era of peace and prosperity. Trump and his legion of loyal followers stormed the Capitol and retook the White House, and all the globalist leaders apologized to Darkness Awesome for their part in facilitating military power and perpetuating genocide amongst their allies. For his part, Darkness Awesome no longer intervened directly in global affairs, knowing his work was done, and if humanity was to ever be anything like Equestria, they must solve their problems on their own. He'd gotten the ball rolling, and that was enough.
Alas, while he solved all of Earth's problems, Equestria was far from safe as well. While he was relaxing in bed with Abigail Shapiro, another portal in time and space was opened, and Princess Celestia poked her head through. She exclaimed, "Darkness Awesome, my son, I need you!"
Darkness Awesome laughed in her face. "I needed you in all my years growing up, Mom. You were never once there for me. But in the interest of being the bigger person, I will humor you. What is it?"
Celestia looked Darkness Awesome in his eyes. "Luna is pregnant."
Darkness Awesome jumped out of bed. "But Luna is chaste!"
"She is." Celestia nodded solemnly. "There has to be some dark magic at play here. I need your detective skills to figure out what happened to my sister."
Darkness Awesome flew through the portal, clearly wanting to help his wife reclaim her purity and clear her name. But that, my friends, is a tale for another time.
Author's Note
Back from the grave to give you this shit.
