What remained of the door fell to the ground, leaving an awkward moment of silence as both parties stared at each other. On one side was Rarity and Spike committing crimes against an entryway of a retirement home, and on the other was former Princess Celestia, levitating an enormous mug so large it looked more like a stage prop than an actual drink holder.
The moment passed, and Celestia’s unexpected guests entered the room proper with concerned looks on their faces. Celestia let out a sigh, took a swing from her mug, and gave her visitors a deadpan look in return.
“My front door was unlocked, you know,” said Celestia.
“Sorry. I think we took that turn a little too hard,” said Spike.
“We’ll hoof the bill. Time is of the essence, and we require your assistance immediately,” announced Rarity.
“Let me guess: Twilight Sparkle’s been acting odd lately, and you were hoping I’d have an explanation or possibly a solution?” said Celestia in an annoyed tone.
“Your spot-on first guess tells me that you very much have them. I respect you a great deal, Celestia, but good heavens am I tired of cleaning up after your patch-job solutions. If you anticipated trouble then why, pray tell, did you not see fit to tell us sooner?” demanded Rarity.
“Seriously, you’re not a Princess anymore. We’re not going to take ‘to teach a lesson’ as an answer this time,” added Spike, arms crossed.
“Oh no, not this time. Believe me, I would have been happy to warn her about this one, pain in the flank that it was. And before you ask, the reason I had to stay quiet is the same answer to what’s happening to Twight: the title of Ruler of Equestria is cursed,” said Celestia.
Rarity and Spike blinked and looked at Celestia in disbelief. Celestia just took another swing of her mug.
“Oh yes… that’s the stuff. Dark beans of life and happiness, how I’ve missed you…” mumbled Celestia.
Perhaps it was the absurdity of what she’d just heard, but Rarity couldn’t help notice something off about the former Princess. It wasn’t just the horrible case of bed-mane, the haggard look in her eyes, or her almost out of character snarkiness, but the scent coming from her mug was wrong.
“Wait a minute… are you drinking coffee? Since when did you enjoy anything other than tea?” asked Rarity.
“Since always. I was just unable to take my drink of choice more often than not because of the curse until this morning. And let me tell you, if I have any say in the matter, I’m never drinking that leaf water again in my life. Millennia of tolerance does not magically become preference. Not when it comes to caffeine,” said Celestia.
Again, Rarity and Spike could just stare in disbelief as Celestia took another swing of coffee. This was not going the way they’d expected it to. Still, Twilight was in trouble, so Spike shook his head to clear it and pressed on.
“Ok, so Twilight’s been cursed. I’m sure she’d argue on whether curses are an actual field of magic, but that’s besides the point. Where did this curse come from, and what do we do about it?” asked Spike.
“Ha. If there was something we could do about it I would have gotten rid of it ages ago,” said Celestia with a scoff.
Ceelstia took yet another swing, emptying the mug. She then levitated over an equally oversized coffee pot, and filled her mug right back up. Rarity couldn’t help but wonder just how many of those oversized mugs of caffeine Celestia had already drunk that morning.
“The curse was put on the title the moment Luna and I took it. There was a bit of an incident right before our coordination, you see. Princess Platinum had objected to us being rulers, and insisted that she should be the one to take the title. So Luna and I, little troublemakers that we were, decided that the only appropriate response was to prank her,” said Celestia.
“Prank her? Um… I have several questions,” said Spike.
“They can wait until story time’s over, Spike. So, after being rather publicly humiliated, Platinum managed to pull herself out of the river and make her way back to the throne room. She, begrudgingly, decided to cooperate and let us take the throne. But she also declared that if we were going to be Princesses, we were going to have to start acting like it. And then cast the curse to make sure we would,” said Celestia.
“So.. the curse makes poneis act more regal?” asked Rarity in confusion.
“Oh, no. This is Princess Platinum we’re talking about. Even after learning the values of friendship she was a spoiled noble with an ego bigger than Rainbow Dash’s. Her idea of acting like a proper Princess was drinking fancy tea, eating fancy foods, wearing fancy clothes, and having the peasants do all the real work. She thought nothing about being courteous, respectful, or even slightly polite to others,” deadpanned Celestia.
There was another moment of awkward silence as Celestia took another swing, while Rarity and Spike shared uncertain looks.
“Of course, she also considered politics to be the greatest sport invented by ponykind (Tartarus knows why) and paperwork to be her favorite hobby, so the curse didn’t do anything about them. Shame really, could have used some level of enjoyment out of slaving over that desk for so many years…” mumbled Celestia.
“Wait, back up a minute. So all these years you only drank tea because Princess Platinum thought that was what it meant to be a Princess?” asked Spike.
“Yep. Didn’t matter how much I hated it, I would get cravings that only tea could satisfy. And when it wasn’t tea, it was mountains of sweets because sugar in any form was considered fancy back then. To be fair, I always had a sweet tooth, but it was a constant struggle to keep the pounds off with how much cake I was compelled to guzzle down. And poor Luna had it even worse. The first pastry she genuinely cared for wasn’t invented until two hundred years after her banishment,” said Celestia with a shake of her head.
“I… have several more questions,” said Spike.
“Those answers are personal and I refuse to give them. The need for fancy clothes was even worse. The crown constantly got tangled in my mane, I always hated wearing that heavy thing around my neck, and I couldn’t even sleep or take a bath without being fully dressed because of how naked it made me feel. Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub your hooves while wearing shoes?” asked Celestia.
“Yes, actually,” answered Rarity without thinking.
Celestia and Spike gave Rarity a pair of Looks. Rarity quickly realized what she let slip, gave an awkward cough, and turned away to hide her blush.
“Anyway, the clothes were bad, but the absolute worst was the fact that, as a Princess, it was my ‘responsibility’ to sit back and let others deal with important issues. It didn’t matter if it was an invasion, monster attack, or my own sister going crazy, if it couldn’t be solved with a smile and fancy speech, there was no possible way for me to take care of it. And if I tried anyway, the job would always end up half done. I think you two know perfectly well how frustrating that was,” said Celestia.
Rarity and Spike nodded. Yes, they were aware. They were also aware of the dozen or so angry letters they’d sent the royal sisters regarding this matter. Rarity’s blush grew deeper while Spike started showing his own.
“Oh, and obviously we couldn’t tell anyone about the curse. I think some of our more trusted retainers figured it out on their own, though. Now that I think about it, it might be a good idea to write it down for future generations of the royal staff, now that I can. Assuming Raven hasn’t already done so…” mumbled Celestia.
“Wait, that’s it? That’s all the curse does?” asked Rarity.
“Pretty much. I wouldn’t have passed the title to Twilight if I didn’t think she could handle it. I know it must seem bizarre to see Twilight’s sudden change in diet and formal wear, but I assure you that it’s nothing to worry about. She’s otherwise the same book loving pony we all know and love. She’s even already prepared a new generation of heroes to pick up the slack now that she’s basically useless for saving the world. There will be some adjustment, but I have the utmost confidence this will work out,” said Celestia with a reassuring smile.
“But what about the orange mane? Or the spiked armor? Or the laws about chicken farmers?” asked Spike.
Celestia blinked in confusion, but then got a horrified look on her face.
“Chicken farm- Oh. Oh no. Tell me, is she also wearing a bracelet that looks like a negative rainbow puked on it?” Celestia asked nervously.
“Well, yes, actually. I don’t know what in Equestria that… unusual expression is supposed to mean, but it certainly desibes that hideous thing well enough,” sadi Rarity.
Celestia double facehoofed and let out a long, exaggerated groan. She then finished off her mug again, got up, and rushed over to what must have been the door to Luna’s room.
“Son of a… I knew I forgot something! Luna! Get up! We forgot to warn Twilight about the vault of slightly cursed items!” Celestia yelled as she banged on the door.
There was a loud thud from the other side of the door, followed by Luna opening the door, looking even more disheveled than her sister did.
“Ugh… don’t tell me… she mistook it for your closet, and is currently wearing half a dozen cursed items?” asked Luna in a deadpan tone.
“She’s already invoked the chicken farmer law. We need to get to Canterlot and free her before she turns the guards’ uniforms into speedos!” cried Celestia.
Without another word, Celestia galloped out the door. Luna let out a yawn, grabbed the coffee pot Celestia left behind, and proceeded to chug the whole thing. She then tossed it behind her without a glance back and galloped after her sister.
“I told you that darn thing needed redesigned,” she mumbled as she ran past Rarity and Spike.
Spike and Rarity could only stand and stare at what they’d just heard.
“Slightly cursed?” mumbled Spike.
“Speedos?” mumbled Rarity.
Rarity and Spike shared another awkward look.
“I have… so many questions right now, but I’m not sure I want to hear the answers,” admitted Spike.
“Agreed. Morbid curiosity aside, I believe we should go after them and assist them with… whatever it is they’re planning to do,” said Rarity.
“But there is one thing I still really want to know: what about Cadance? Was she affected by the curse too?” asked Spike as they ran out the door.
Cadance let out a resigned sigh as she lifted a shoe wearing hoof out the bathtub. It was so unfair: she avoided one cursed title just to get stuck with another, and the only difference was that the Crystal Empress was expected to drink coffee instead of tea. Cadance hated coffee.
Author's Note
Another year, another minimum effort April Fools day story.
I think I'm running out of ideas...
And yes, URBC chapter coming soon.
