Author's Note
Incredulous
The Ponies
Pony Jerry Seinfeld was standing on stage at the comedy club, doing his little bit as the opening credits play.
“Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the pegasi. Because when you really stop and think about it, according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a pegasus should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The pegasus, of course, flies anyway because pegasi don't care what earth ponies think is impossible.”
And yes, pony Jerry Seinfeld’s cutie mark is a bee.
Jerry walked into his apartment and found the entire living room completely covered in pink boxes. The kitchen counter, sofa, table, and even large swathes of the floor were littered with the offending packages. His face contorted in confusion as a batch of canned laughter played out, entirely inaudible to the distraught comedian.
He picked up a box off the kitchen counter and read aloud: “My Little Pony? Applejack? What the hell?” He glanced around the room with visible confusion written on his face.
More laughter, his life was nothing but a joke.
Kramer burst into Jerry’s apartment with his signature brand of eclectic bravado, and the disembodied voices responded with a resounding cheer. He grinned a goofy grin at his neighbor and said, “hey buddy.” As he casually strolled over to Jerry’s refrigerator to grab a peach.
“Kramer?” Jerry pried evenly. A small bout of laughter could be heard.
“Yeah?” Kramer responded with some difficulty, his mouth half filled with fruit. The laughter roared once more.
“What is going on in here? What is all this?” Jerry gestured to the chaos within his home as he spoke.
“They’re ponies Jerry.”
“Ponies?”
“My Little Ponies.” Kramer clarified.
“I can see that, but why are they in my apartment?” The voices laughed heartily at his dismay.
“You know that little mom and pop toy store over in Queens? The one next to the 7/11?”
“No I don’t.”
“You don’t?” Kramer asked incredulously, leaning in closer.
“No, should I?” Jerry shrugged.
“Well, I had hoped you’d heard of it. Now the story won’t have as much zing.”
Jerry shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“But there’s no zing Jerry! No zing!” Kramer did some jazz hands as he spoke, giving a bit of pop to his words.
“Kramer!” Jerry shouted in his signature goofy pitch, which forsook any semblance of seriousness in favor of levity.
Kramer nodded, leaning on Jerry’s counter. “Alright! So, Tommy’s Toybox-”
“I’m sorry, what?” Jerry tilted his head.
“That’s the name of the store Jerry! You see, there’s no zing!”
“The ponies Kramer! Get to the ponies!” Jerry balled his fists in front of his face as though he was doing a pull-up.
“The store burned down.”
Kramer took another bite of his peach.
“What?”
“It’s gone Jerry!” More laughter, lest we the people forget when levity must be had.
“What does that have to do with the ponies?”
“I’m getting to it! Jeez, it’s like you don’t even care about Edward.”
“Who?” asked Jerry.
“The owner of Tommy’s Toybox!” Kramer once more responded incredulously.
“Tommy’s Toybox is owned by a man named Edward?” asked Jerry in disbelief.
“Well it was. Does that matter?”
Jerry shrugged again. “Well it just feels a little misleading.”
“Maybe it was a pseudonym.” Kramer snapped his fingers and pointed at Jerry. “Like Joey Ramone.”
“Who?”
Kramer gave Jerry an incredulous look as he flailed his arms around for a moment.
“ANYWAY. They were liquidating all the remaining stock. On account of-”
“The fire yeah I got it.” Jerry waved his hand.
“I got all this dirt cheap Jerry. Dirt cheap!” Kramer flashed a big doofy grin at Jerry while the voices laughed on.
Jerry gestured around the room. “Kramer this is junk! Who’s gonna buy all these My Little Ponies?”
“You scoff now Jerry, but these will be worth a fortune in a few years.”
Jerry picked up a box and looked it over. “Who the hell is gonna buy a secondhand Seawinkle.” More laughter. “Seawinkle?” he repeated, and was met with more laughter.
“Jerry, don’t you see? These are all discontinued! They were just sitting in the storeroom gathering dust! Soon people will be lining up to buy My Little Ponies!”
Jerry shrugged. “If you say so. What’s wrong with your place? Why can’t you keep the ponies across the hall?”
“Jerry… What if I’m ‘entertaining’? All this junk might give off the wrong impression!”
“Of course. Wouldn’t want anyone thinking you’re eccentric.”
Kramer nodded his head and said, “yeah.” Big laugh-track for that one.
“So you gonna see her again?” George asked Jerry while flipping through the channels on Jerry’s television, while sitting on Jerry’s couch, and drinking a can of soda from Jerry’s fridge.
Jerry shrugged. “I guess. The date went alright, and she’s nice. It’s just that…”
George extended a hand, encouraging Jerry to finish the thought. “It’s just that?”
“I dunno. Something was missing.”
George nodded, squinting his eyes. “Something huh? So that’s where we’re at now? You can’t even be bothered to vocalize what’s wrong with these women? ‘Oh something’s missing.’ Yeah right.” George scoffed.
“Oh come on. You’ve never rejected a woman for no reason?”
George gestured to himself. “Jerry please. Look at me. Some of us don’t have that luxury.”
There was a long pause while a laugh track played, during which Jerry made a number of goofy faces.
“It’s not like I’m breaking it off yet. Maybe I’ll see something in her after another date.” Jerry rebutted.
“You’ll see something? I’ll tell you what I see, a human woman who wants to have sex with you. Is that not enough?”
Jerry paused. “You know, some people want more out of life than sex.”
“Pft. Liars.”
“No really. I read this psychology book a while ago, a lot of people say that it’s actually self-improvement that leads to happiness.”
“Or you can just have sex, and skip that step.” George snapped his fingers.
Jerry rolled his eyes.
“You gonna tell me what’s going on here by the way?” asked George, setting his can of soda on top of a My Little Pony castle play set.
“It’s Kramer. He bought a bunch of these My Little Ponies from this toy store that burned down.”
“Which one?”
“I don’t know, Tommy’s Toybox I think?”
“Tommy’s Toybox burned down?!”
Laugh-track.
“Yeah. Kramer bought a bunch of these discontinued pony toys. He thinks that he’ll be able to resell them to collectors or something.”
George’s eyes lit up. “Really? Is there good money in that?”
“I don’t know, maybe? What kind of person collects this kind of stuff.”
Jerry and his new girlfriend were in the hall outside his apartment. Their second date had gone well, and as Jerry unlocked his door he thought to himself:
She’s fine. George is right. She’s nice, after all. There’s really no reason to dislike her.
As he opened the door, she gasped.
“Oh. My. God.”
“Look, I forgot these were here. My neighbor, he bought all these from this toy store that burned down, it’s a whole thing-”
“I didn’t know you were a Brony Jerry.” She said seductively.
“I’m sorry what?” Jerry leaned in. Big laugh-track from that one.
“It’s okay! I’m a huge Pegasister! MLP is my life! Look at all this merch! I can’t believe it! It’s like I died and went to Equestria!” She squealed like a little girl and started to rifle through all the My Little Pony toys scattered around the room.
And there it is.
“Jerry, I have an idea. How about I invite a few of my girlfriends over, and we can have a little fun. How does that sound?”
Then again...
“And you’re certain the toys are in mint condition?”
George smiled a goofy conman smile. “Yes sir Mr. Barfman. Mint condition ponies! Right Kramer?”
Kramer nodded and said, “Giddyup.”
The man frowned. “It’s pronounced Beroufmon, Mr. Costanza. And I’ll be the judge of wether or not these toys are fit to be in our collection.”
Kramer opened the door to Jerry’s apartment, and the three men were met with the horrifying sight of several grown women in the process of playing with the My Little Pony toys in a completely normal manner. Jerry was sitting on the couch watching television, clearly trying very hard to not lose his cool.
He glanced at his friends standing in the doorway and said, “Hey, how’s it going?”
Mr. Beroufman poked his head into the room. “I wouldn’t exactly call these ‘mint condition’ Mr. Constanza. Thanks for wasting my time,” he said before storming off.
“Jerry! Do you have any idea how much that man was going to pay for these ponies?” George shouted.
“No.” Jerry responded.
“Well neither do I! Now we’ll never know!” Another big laugh-track for that one.
A woman tapped Kramer on the shoulder and asked, “Who do you think is best pony?”
Kramer made a face. “Well, I would assume it’s subjective.”
The woman looked puzzled, but accepted his answer.
Jerry’s girlfriend ran up to him and gave him a hug. “Jerry, this was the best date ever! I can’t wait to go out with you again!
But then out of nowhere, Twilight Sparkle teleported into Jerry's apartment.
"Jerry Seinfeld!" she shouted with urgency. "You are maidenless. I've come to offer you an accord. For you seek the Elden Ring. Only you can be the sussy impostor and get that epic victory royale. You must have the wholesome 100 moment and defeat ultra-instinct Big Chungus."
Jerry made a face that looked like he was about the swallow his own tongue.
Then time froze and the credits rolled.
