Twilight stood transfixed as a massive glowing changeling-like spell-suit, easily ten times bigger than Canterlot High rose from the building's roof, phasing through concrete and earth. Twilight wobbled as the world around her shook as the giant machine steadied itself, and a comparibly small capsule protruded from the figure's withers.
White smoke billowed from the inside of the cockpit as a section of the black casing retracted, and a bacon-haired figure stepped out, holding an expensive looking-cigar. The girl looked at Twilight with a smug grin, puffing her cigar. She wanted to say something, but a coughing fit overtook her.
"Are you alright, Sunset?" Twilight asked with a quirked eyebrow and an inward chuckle. Sunset glared at the cigar for a moment, before throwing it away.
"Well, if it isn't saucy Twi!" She said, chuckling as Twilight's face turned a shade of crimson.
"ONCE! I forgot clothes were mandatory ONCE!" Sunset ignored her opponent's excuse and checked her left hand.
"Just a little too late, as usual." She continued, pulling out a smoking pipe and puffing it, forcing a string of bubbles to pop out.
"Shimmer!" Twilight bellowed, pointing her finger at the girl. "Impressive little toy you got there. But your plan ends here." Sunset laughed out loud.
"Idiot." She said curtly. "You're not ending our plan, you're expanding it." She shook her pipe at Twilight. "Checked Fimfiction lately?"
"Pfft." Twilight pulled a ringing phone out of her pocket and answered it.
"Twilight!" Her trusty assistant's voice sounded a bit more irratated as usual. "I'm a fucking dog Twilight, why'd you put me on phone duty-"
"Get to the point!" Twilight cut Spike short, understanding that the writer's too lazy to justify the first of the many plotholes yet to come.
"Some Leech's last fanfic has been denied entry."
"What, why?"
"It's degenerate bullshit, that's why!" Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Didn't stop them before." The reply caused Spike to sigh.
"Someone posted the google docs early, now the whole Site is up in arms!"
"Show me!" Twilight ordered, a flue of screenshots arriving to her in an instant. "How did they..."
Wholesome Mane 6 Waifufagging
A Healthy Relationship
A Family Picnic With No Porn
"The story leaked early..." Twilight murmured, deep in thought. "Then Susnet's plan is ruined."
"The hell it is!" Spike exclaimed. "Look at what they're saying."
'Handholding? That's the most repulsive shit i've ever read, get this monster off the site.'
'A present father figure? That's stretching my suspention of disbelief.'
'No porn? On my featured section? Unlikely. Ban this fag.'
"The story just went life, and they're already calling for blood!" Spike continued, clearly distressed.
"But the other porn fics still remain." Twilight remarked, confused at the outrage.
"And yet degenerate boners were ruined." Sunset ponted out.
"By degenerates!" Twilight argued. "Besides, a dozen of frustrated anons is tragic, but nothing to start a major ban wave over."
"That's just the spark, Twi. The excuse we've been waiting for. Fimfiction wanted this ban wave for years!" She smoked her cigar and bagn pacing back and forth. "The Founders knew degenerate shit was good for the traffic, eleven years later their legacy lingers on."
"Fitish fics..."
"They left us their greatest 'tags'." Sunset stopped and turned to Twilight. "Porn, fetish, anthro~ Welcome maxims for those with no life, without things to do off the internet. Give yourself up to the whole. No need to better yourself, you're a gold sponsor! You're number one! Then the only value left is the number of views~ Traffic economy! And we'll do whatever it takes to keep it hummin' along! Even fetish fics. Especially fetish fics!"
"Bullshit!" Twilight retorted, all the while trying to find a way out of this retarded spur of the moment crackfic.
"The founders planted the seeds, we don't need them around to filter and foster their tags any longer. We're spreading them just fine ourselves." Sunset spewed insanity, wildly gesticulating her arms. "Every man, women, and, God forbid, child..." She filled her lungs with air and yelled. "We're all sons of the founders now!"
"Are you high right now?" Twilight genuenly wondered.
"Let me check." Sunset checked her empty left hand once again. "Yes. High on Equestrian spirit!" She made her way back to the capsule, taking a seat on a comfortable chair inside and closing the door. The capsule retreated inside, and a loudspeaker-assisted voice boomed from the inside.
"Let's dance!"
The two figures stood opposite of eachother, huffing and puffng from the exertion. Both of them looked quite bruesed, Sunset from the somewhat unexpected extraction from her makeshift metal gear reference, and Twilight from existing in this hellish piece of fiction. Eager to finish this quickly, the latter started speaking.
"Fetish fics, porn, degenerate tags... What makes you better than the rest of them?" She jumped Sunset, landing a masty hit to her ribcage, causing her to stagger. "If Fimfiction is rotting, you're another degenerate dry-humping the pile!" She snarled, kicking Sunset's chin, sending her crashing into the capsule behind her. The bacon haired girl slowly stood up, wiping her chin.
"All right, the truth then. You're right about one thing... I do need traffic. And likes. Wanna know why? 'I have a dream.' "
"What the fuck?"
"That one day every mentally challenged chimpanzee on this site will control their OWN featured section. A site of the TRULY free, dammit." Sunset rushed Twilight, uppercutting the latter.
"A website of STORIES, not clopfics. Ruled by QUALITY WRITING, not horny pandering." She smacked Twilight in the face, sending her flying backwards.
"Where the individual changes to suite the guidelines, not the other way around. Where power and justice are back where they belong: in the hands of the people! Where every man is free to write- to read - for himself!" She elbowed Twilight in the gut, eliciting a shallow breath from her.
"Fuck all these limp-dick displaced protagonists and chicken-shit crossovers." A hit to the arm. "Fuck this 24/7 fimfic spew of clopfics and 'Human in Equestria' bullshit." A kick to the leg. "Fuck 'Equestrian pride.'" A blow to the groin. "Fuck the featured section!" A spit in Twilight's general direction.
"Fuck all of it!" Sunset spun her right arm, charging a heavy attack by holding R2. A moverful hit sprawledTwilight on the ground, the shockwaves ruffling some feathers all the way in Japan.
"Fimfiction is diseased. Rotten to the core. There's no saving it. We need to pull it out by the roots. Wipe the slate clean. BURN IT DOWN!" Sunset stomped on Twilight's abs, the only thing saving the latter from death is god-tier plot armor and the author's lazyness.
"And from the ashes, a new Fimfiction will be born! Evolved, but untamed! The weak will be purged, and the strongest will thrive - free to write what they see fit, they'll make Fimfiction great again!"
"What the hell are you talking about..." Twilight managed to croak.
"You still don't get it. I'm using horny as a business to get elected as a mod... to end horny as a business! In my new Fimfiction, people will write and read for what they BELIEVE. Not for patreon money. Not for clout! Not for what they're told is right. Every man will be free to fight his own wars!" She stomped Twilight's gut a good fifteen times, realistically turning her insides to mush. Finally, after landing on Twilights insides with both of her legs for the final, sixteenth time, she planted one leg on her chest and pulled out a smoking pipe.
She stepped away, turning her back to the unfortunately still alive mare turned woman, and puffed her pipe.
"So, what do you think?" She asked expectingly.
Laying flat on the ground, her eyes on the night sky, Twilight evaluated her situation. She could A: Keep fighting Susnet, likely winning through some 'Magic of Friendship' bullshit and dragging this pathetic excuse of a fic for another couple thousands of words. Or, or, she could do the sensible thing and end her suffering quickly.
"I... I was wrong about you." She replied, Sunset immidiately coming to her side. the bacon haired girl helped her up, dusting Twilight off.
"I'll rid this site of pointless bullshit, Twi." She said, extending her hand and nodding.
Twilight returned the gesture and shook Sunset's hand. The latter enveloped the former in a hug and patted her on the back.
"Let's fucking do this." Twilight said, finishing this stupid fucking fic.
Author's Note
Some random bullshit that came to my mind during my dentist's appointment today.
Hope you enjoy.
Sorry in advance.
