Chapter One: The Kind and Generous Trixie
I am not Darth Faust, and I don't own My Little Pony. I am also definitely not Rowan Atkinson, and I don't own his Blackadder Christmas special, which this silly fic shamelessly borrows from, which in turn borrows from Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." Cover art is also not mine, since that belongs to SouthParkTaoist on DeviantArt.
Boy, I don't own a lot of things. How impoverished I am!
Hope you enjoy the first chapter of this silly story. Now, I better finish the next two before the 25th!
Chapter One: The Kind and Generous Trixie
“Isn’t it exciting, Luna?” Princess Celestia asked giddily. “We’re going to celebrate our first Hearth’s Warming Eve together since your long holiday.”
Princess Luna rolled her eyes (a strange body language expression she learned recently) at her sister’s choice of euphemism. “Verily, our enthusiasm is boundless. Pray tell, what activities shall we partake this merriest of nights?”
Celestia’s horn glowed, and she removed her tiara and collar with her magic. “You’ll join me in a little tradition I started a few hundred years ago. We’ll disguise ourselves as commoners and give gifts and honors to the virtuous. It’ll be fun.”
Luna thought for a moment, and she too removed her royal attire. “Very well. We shall join you, dear Sister. Have you in mind candidates of purity and merit to reward with our blessings?”
“Oh, I know of a very special pony…” Celestia slipped into her disguise.
At the end of snowy Lilac Lane, in humble Ponyville, was the magic shop of an azure unicorn named Trixie, the kindest and most generous pony in all of Equestria. Most ponies would be in their homes the wintry night of Hearth’s Warming Eve, but Trixie stood dutifully behind her counter. She occupied herself with charming more bottles of her famous magical mess remover as she waited for customers.
The bell tingled, and through the door entered two unicorn colts. “Hello Snips, Snails,” Trixie greeted her two young assistants. “Did you get the ingredients?”
“Yep,” affirmed the short, chubby one. He levitated a bucket over and behind the counter. “I got the uh… purple plants.”
“And I got the Helix pomatia, just like you asked,” said the lanky one slowly and absently. He too deposited his bucket of findings.
“Good, good. Just another hour before we close the store and then we can have own little Hearth’s Warming Eve celebration.” Trixie smiled at her two assistants who shared her home. They were like family to her, and in fact, they technically were. Trixie had taken them in ever since that tragic accident last year with the squirrels, a steamroller, and two tons of marbles. “Now, Trixie has gotten the presents.”
“And we made the cards!” Snips announced with pride. “I did the drawing.”
Snails magicked a card out of satchel and gave it to his employer. “And I wrote it. Took me all morning.”
Trixie opened the card. It was inexpertly decorated, but she knew it was a labor of love. “‘Have a happy Hearth’s Warming,’” she read. “Um, Snails? ‘Hearth’s Warming’ has an apostrophe.”
“Aw.”
“And an ‘H’… and an ‘E’… an ‘A’, an ‘R’, a ‘T’, another ‘H’, an ‘S’…” Trixie looked at the card again, and decided to stop there. Snails had somehow done the impossible and managed to write ‘Hearth’s Warming’ without getting any of the letters right at all. “Still, Trixie knows you worked really hard on it, and that is what matters.”
Snails stared off into space, as he was wont to do. “Thanks, Trixie.”
“Hey, what about a tree?” Snips said suddenly. “We can’t have a Hearth’s Warming without the tree!”
“Never fear, boys. Trixie has that covered,” Trixie assured. She opened a cupboard and levitated out a fir branch. “Trixie got this special discount Hearth’s Warming twig.”
“That doesn’t look like a tree, eh?” Snails observed keenly.
“Well yes, it is a bit small,” Trixie conceded. “But it is not the size that matters. It’s where you put it.” She inserted the branch into a candleholder and proudly set it on the shop counter. “Besides, with the money we saved, we have a whole year’s profits to spend on fun at tomorrow’s festival.”
Snips bounced excitedly. “Ooh! Ooh! How much?”
“Seventeen bits,” Trixie answered proudly.
Snails frowned. “We’d have more if you didn’t give away so much money to charities.”
Trixie sighed. “Yes, that is true. But in the measure of cheer and compassion, we are rich indeed.”
The bell chimed, and in stumbled a plum earth pony mare. “Hello Berry Punch,” greeted Trixie. “How might Trixie help you on this fine Hearth's Warming Eve?”
“Oh, it’s *hic* horrid!” the inebriated mare hiccupped. “I don’t have *hic* two bits to rub together. I’m broke! And I can’t afford *hic* to buy any food for me or my little Berry Pinch. The kind and generous Trixie must *hic* help me!” She put particular emphasis on the title the residents of Ponyville liked to call her.
“But what about the prize money you won at last month’s All Equestria Absinth Chugging Tournament?”
“New liver,” Punch hiccupped. She took a breath mint from her saddlebag and popped it into her mouth.
“Well, there must be something Trixie can do to help you…?” She spied the breath mints. “Ah! Those mints might be just what Trixie needs. How much did they cost you?”
“One *hic* bit each.”
Trixie did her best to be diplomatic. “Miss Punch, Trixie suspects that to be a… slight exaggeration.”
Berry Punch started wailing uncontrollably.
“Well, it is Hearth’s Warming Eve, so have ten bits,” Trixie conceded.
The plum pony went from distraught to indignant in an instant. “So you don’t *hic* want all them, then? There’s seventeen of them!”
“Miss Punch, you have the frail body of an alcohol-wreaked mare, but the mind of a criminal genius. Here, take seventeen bits.” Trixie exchanged her money for the mints, and Berry Punch quickly left without saying another word. “What a jolly mare.”
Snips sadly watched the earth pony mare disappear down the street through the window. “She looks like a drunken idiot to me.”
“Now, now, Snips. You shouldn’t judge other ponies by their recreational activities. Why, just remove the alcohol from that ‘drunken idiot’ and you have a–”
“Sober idiot?” Snails supplied, looking hopeful.
“Erm…” Trixie was spared having to answer by the doorbell. The door swung upon, and two very tall and imposing unicorn mares entered. The larger of the two’s coat was pure white and somehow seemed to glow, and her multicolored cyan, turquoise, azure, and purple mane and tail rippled in a phantom breeze. The slightly smaller mare’s dark coat had the opposite effect of her companion’s by making everything around her dimmer, and her flowing mane was an almost immaterial star field. Both tall unicorns wore monocles, black silk top hats, and suits that bulged strangely behind the shoulders. Snips and Snails gazed at the strangers in awe.
“Good evening,” Trixie greeted the strangely familiar newcomers. “May Trixie help you?”
“Good evening,” the white mare said sweetly. “We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Hearth’s Warming Eve.”
“Oh Celestia,” Trixie said, slightly overwhelmed.
The dark unicorn projected an audio tsunami. “AND WE HAVE GLEANED GREAT TALES OF THY KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY!”
Trixie twitched her ears to make sure they were still working, and blushed. “Oh, one tries…”
“So please…”
“Yes?”
“Could you be a dear and give us ten bits for the virtuous old mare at Sweet Apple Acres?” the white unicorn concluded.
“Ah,” Trixie said, hiding her disappointment. “Well, Trixie would love to oblige, but she no longer has any money to give.”
“THEN PERHAPS THOU CANST BESTOW UNTO US WARM ATTIRE, SO THAT WE MAY NO LONGER BE ASSAILED OUTSIDE BY THE INCLEMENT WEATHER THAT RAPS THE WINDOWS AS WE SPEAK!” the dark unicorn suggested.
“Oh… well, you are in luck. Snips, Snails, please retrieve the two red packages from the back room.” Trixie’s two assistants glumly departed through the back door.
“Some wood for our fireplace would also be greatly appreciated,” said the tall, white unicorn. Trixie sighed and levitated her Hearth’s Warming twig out of the candleholder and gave it to the two strangers. They stood in silence…
Trixie attempted some conversation. To the dark unicorn, she asked, “Your manner of speech is quite intriguing. Say, are you… foreign?”
“NAY!” the mare replied after a slight pause. “WE ARE AN EQUESTRIAN SUBJECT, AS THOU ART! WE ARE BUT A HUMBLE ACTRESS AT THE GLOBE THEATER, WHERE WE NOW RECOUNT THE ANCIENT TRAGEDY OF THE LUNAR PRINCESS’ SEDITION!”
“Ah, Trixie understands. Your costume is commendable.”
Snips and Snails returned with the red presents, and Trixie levitated them behind the counter where the strangers couldn’t see. Wincing as if in physical pain, she removed the wrapping paper and the cards she had written, and surrendered the two scarves within to the two tall unicorn mares.
“Oh, they’re lovely,” the white pony said after she tried on the scarf that would have been Snail’s. “Thank you so much.”
“WE ARE MOST PLEASED BY THY OFFERING! THY KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY WOULD BE REPAID, WERE WE NOT A PAUPERIZED ENTERTAINER! WE THANK THEE!” The two imposing unicorn mares curtsied, and left the shop.
Snips scratched the floor with his hoof, eyes downcast. “So… were those our presents, Trixie?”
Trixie sighed. “Yes, yes they were. Trixie is sorry,” she answered sadly. “But those ponies were in need and… Trixie will make it up for you. That she promises.”
“There’s still Celestia,” Snails said brightly. “Since we’ve been so good, maybe she’ll come down our chim-in-ey and leave presents in our stockings tonight, eh?”
Trixie managed a weak smile. “Of course. Well, let’s not keep her waiting. I say it’s time for bed…”
The three unicorns closed down the shop and retired to their rooms in the back. Trixie went to bed hoping Hearth’s Warming Day would turn out better than its Eve.
High up in the sky outside, a blue police box materialized directly over Trixie’s home. Gravity, determined to prevent any more laws of physics from being broken, promptly let the box fall…
Chapter Two: Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey Stuff
Chapter Two: Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey Stuff
CRASH!
The blue police box smashed through the ceiling and landed right next to Trixie’s bed, waking the azure unicorn with a jolt. She shrieked when she saw the hole in her roof and the offending projectile.
The police box door swung open, and out stepped a rather unremarkable looking brown earth pony stallion with dark, spiky mane and an hourglass cutie mark. “Sorry about that,” he said brightly – he sounded like he was from Trottingham. The brown stallion then pulled a pointer of sorts with a light at the tip out from… somewhere. He aimed the tool with his muzzle at the ceiling, and after a few seconds and a strange pulsating, buzzing noise, the roof repaired itself seamlessly. “Shonic shrew’riber,” he said with the tool still in his mouth, answering Trixie’s unasked question. He then stowed it away, probably into some invisible, hyperspace pocket. “Quite useful for fighting aliens, tying up loose plotlines, and home repair. Anyway, where are my manners? Hello!”
Trixie stared at the visitor, and it took her a moment to find her voice. “Um… hello? Can Trixie help?”
“No thanks, no. I just popped in to say hello.” The stallion held out a hoof to shake. “I’m the Doctor, how’d you do? I’m just doing my usual rounds at this time of year, showing misers the errors of their ways, that sort of thing. But of course I won’t be having any trouble with you, since you’re such a good pony, right? The ‘kind and generous’ Trixie, your neighbors call you.”
Trixie blushed in embarrassment. “Oh, Trixie isn’t any better than any other–”
“No need to be so modest,” the Doctor insisted. “You’ve earned that. You’re a fine mare, and quite a breath of fresh air from the ponies I usually deal with this time of year. Why, just down the street there’s a mare trying to scam her way into marrying a prince.”
“Oh dear. So tell me, how do you convince these ponies to change their ways?” the azure unicorn asked, still in her bed.
“Simple, really. I just take them on a trip in the TARDIS…” He launched into an incomprehensible explanation about the blue police box and ‘wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff.’ “…and I show them their past, or glimpses of their future. That usually scares them into behaving.”
“Wait, you’re saying you can travel through time in that box?”
“Of course! But as I said before, none of that will be necessary with you, Trixie. Oh no. I’m glad you turned out to be such an outstanding pony, considering your heritage. I had lots of trouble with them.”
“Really?” Trixie asked curiously. “What were they like? Trixie admits she doesn’t know anything about her ancestors.”
The Doctor gave her a knowing look.
“That bad, were they?”
“That they were,” the brown stallion said, nodding vigorously. “Some of the most foulest, connivingest ponies I’ve encountered… Tell you what, how about I just show you?”
“Oh, no. You’re a busy pony, and Trixie doesn’t want to waste your time on her behalf.”
The brown stallion laughed. “I’m a Time Lord. I have all the time in the universe! It would be my pleasure.”
Trixie’s curiosity got the better of her, and she agreed. What was the worst that could happen?
“Yes, it’s bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said, noticing the azure unicorn’s surprised look when she stepped into the TARDIS. “Remember, we’re here just to look. So don’t touch or say anything, and stick to me like a limpet. Good? Good.” He worked some levers and buttons, and the police box started shuddering. “Now, hold onto your hooves! Allons-y!”
A veritable blizzard raged outside the ancient unicorn palace. In one small room, an azure unicorn mare found herself cornered by her two bumbling servants.
“Come on, milady,” a short, chubby pale cyan unicorn colt pleaded. “Just give the cracker a little pull.”
“Yeah, it’ll be fun,” added his gangly, dull yellow companion. The two young colts wore shabby, faded tights and ruffs. “We saved up for this for months.”
The Sly and Guileful Lady Beatrix rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Fine.” She telekinetically took hold of one end of the winter solstice cracker and gave it a tug. There was no bang, but just a pathetic pop. The two colts flinched anyway from the anticipation.
“Yes, terrifying,” Lady Beatrix said dully.
“And look, milady Sly and Guileful Beatrix, there’s a present inside!” squeaked Shears.
“Yep,” said Slugs. “It’s a joke death warrant, and you give it to a friend. Funny, eh?”
Trixie crumpled up the tiny parchment and levitated it into one of her gown’s pockets. “Hilarious.”
“So, did you get anything for us, milady?” the two servants asked excitedly.
“It’s nothing, really,” said Lady Beatrix nonchalantly.
“Aw, thanks,” Slugs drawled.
“No, it’s really nothing. Beatrix couldn’t be bothered to get you two sluggards anything,” she explained. “Beatrix spent every bit on this stupid thing for the princess.” Lady Beatrix gestured to an exquisite painting of their monarch, complete with a deployable red velvet curtain. “She better well like it. She dropped enough hints. She’s about as subtle as an arrow in the kneecap. Now, stay here. Beatrix has a present to deliver.”
The Sly and Guileful Lady Beatrix covered up the painting with the red curtain and levitated the ensemble with her and through the door. A few corridors later, she entered the throne room, and was greeted by a scene of absolute chaos.
Princess Platinum was seated on her throne, shouting orders at passing servants, who busied themselves with tearing apart wreathes, banners, and other solstice decorations. Clover the Clever sat in the corner, face-hoofing.
“Good morning, your Highness,” Lady Beatrix said brightly. “Winter Solstice again, what joy. Don’t you just love this time of year?”
“No, I hate it,” Princess Platinum replied grumpily. “In fact, I’ve just abolished it! I’ve made a royal decree to plug up all of the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and execute anyone I see trying to curry my favor with presents.”
“Ah.” Lady Beatrix levitated her curtained portrait behind her in an attempt to hide it. “Well, Lady Beatrix just wanted to say hello, so now she’ll be off. Good day–”
“Beatrix!” the white unicorn princess said suddenly, pointing a hoof at the concealed painting. “What’s that?”
From long practice with her sovereign, the azure pony kept her cool. “Oh, this? It’s… it’s a window.”
“A window?”
“Yes, but you seem to already have one here, so sorry to disturb you, your Highness.” Lady Beatrix levitated the portrait and bid a hasty retreat out of the throne room.
She returned to Shears and Slugs, who were still in the waiting room. “Wonderful. There goes seventeen gold bits in the chamber pot.” She floated the portrait to the taller of her servants and smashed it over his head.
“Ow,” Slugs said. He then struggled to extricate himself from the large canvas that now served as an awkward and very expensive ruff.
A smug, immaculately groomed white unicorn stallion with a blond mane entered with his head held high. “Morning, Aristoprat,” Lady Beatrix greeted. “Beatrix hopes the solstice festival brings you the traditional mix of good food and violent flatulence.”
“And season’s greetings to you too,” Duke Aristoprat returned warmly with mutual hate. “May your stockings fall into your hearth and light your house on fire.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you. Now, Beatrix should warn you that the princess has banned the festivities, so you shouldn’t upset her by getting her any presents this year,” the azure unicorn warned.
“Thank you for the advice, Lady Beatrix. I will of course, consider it.” The duke returned an ironic little bow, and left the room.
Beatrix stamped her hoof on the stone floor and gave a shout of triumph. “Ha! Now he’s as good as dead.”
“Huh?” Slugs said, with the painting still stuck around his neck.
“Yeah, didn’t you just warn him about the Princess?” piped Shears.
“It’s called a double bluff,” the unicorn mare explained. “Aristoprat will undoubtedly do the opposite of what Beatrix tells him, get the princess an enormously expensive present, and queeeak!” She made a cutting motion across her neck with her hoof.
“So… he’ll turn into a duck?” asked her lankier young servant.
Beatrix rolled her eyes. “Yes…”
Later, the two unicorn nobleponies were in the throne room before Princess Platinum. Duke Aristoprat now wore a large cape that concealed an odd lump on his back.
“Welcome back,” the princess began, but then she noticed the bump in the duke’s cape. “Aristoprat, what do you have under there? You better not be hiding a present,” she growled.
The azure unicorn mare smiled. She was going to enjoy this.
“A present, your Highness?” said Duke Aristoprat. With a glow from his horn and a flourish, he pulled out a fabulous jeweled crown. “But of course!”
Their sovereign gasped. “Oh, that’s fabulous! I love presents!”
Beatrix face-hoofed with a little more force than was necessary.
“It’s wonderful! I’ve forgotten how much I enjoyed presents. I’ll have to give you lots of presents to reward you.”
She turned from the smugly smiling duke to a stone-faced Beatrix. “And what about you?” the Princess asked. “Do you have a gift for your Highness?”
“Erm…” Beatrix stalled.
“I want presents!” Princess Platinum demanded. “Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don’t, I’ve got something nice and shiny for you. It’s called an axe!” After a few more seconds without any response from Beatrix, the princess made up her mind. “Right! Do you have any last requests before I have you executed, Lady Beatrix?”
“Uhh… yes! There is one little thing,” she said, an idea popping into her head. She levitated a crumpled piece of parchment from her gown. “Lady Beatrix has always been a great admirer of your Highness, and you, Duke Aristoprat. It would be a great honor if Beatrix could have both of your autographs to keep her company in her final moments.”
They accepted, and scribbled their signatures where Beatrix indicated.
“Thank you. This means so much for Beatrix,” she said. Then, with mock horror, “Oh, oh dear!”
“What is it?” asked the princess.
“This piece of parchment your Highness just signed appears to be some kind of death warrant!” Beatrix said theatrically.
Princess Platinum gasped. “Is there a name on it?”
“Oh dear, so there is. It’s hard to read this terrible, foalish writing but it says… ‘Duke Aristoprat!’ That’s it!”
“WHAT?” the white stallion exclaimed. “It’s a trick!”
To his horror, the princess only laughed. “And a brilliant trick indeed. Say, Sly and Guileful Beatrix, I think I’ll execute Duke Aristoprat instead. And that means everything he owns is now yours.”
Beatrix, now Duchess Beatrix, curtsied elaborately. “Thank you, your Highness. You are too kind.” She gave a smug smile at Aristoprat and motioned towards the bejeweled crown he had purchased. The stallion glumly passed it over to her, and she gave it to the princess. “Season’s greetings to you, your Highness.”
Trixie and the Doctor were back in the TARDIS, and their bodies were now opaque again.
“Was gluing Trixie to your side all that necessary?” the azure unicorn asked, rubbing a sore spot with her hoof.
“I did say you had to stick to me like a limpet,” the brown earth pony stallion answered. “The invisibility wouldn’t have worked otherwise.”
“Quite. But anyways, that was quite… exciting!” The scene of Lady Beatrix’s trickery kept replaying in her mind.
“Exactly! A horrible pony, wasn’t she? The kind that gets your blood boiling.”
“Yes, but she was clearly a very clever and charming pony…” Trixie noticed the stern look on the Doctor’s face. “But, yes, you’re right. A disgraceful pony. Disgraceful indeed.”
The Time Lord patted Trixie’s shoulder with a hoof. “Indeed. But good thing you’re such a great improvement on her and all the others.”
“Others?” Trixie asked, intrigued. “So there’s more?”
“Why yes. Would you like to see…?”
And so Trixie and the Doctored hurtled through time yet again in the blue police box. The azure unicorn saw things that were amazing and inspiring – generations and generations of Trixies, all going by different names and monikers, but all scheming and backstabbing their ways to wealth, power, and glory.
“Horrible, horrible… but, she actually managed to steal Princess Celestia’s Hearth’s Warming presents?” Trixie asked, amused by the exploits of the last ancestor they observed.
The Doctor nodded. “Yes, I remember that well. Quite the shocker of the century.”
“So, there is something to be made out of being bad, isn’t there?”
The brown stallion shifted uncomfortably. “Well yes, being bad can lead to material success, but that’s not the point. What makes a pony is not riches or power, but the soul. And you’ve got one of the best ones I’ve seen,” he complimented.
Curiosity egged her on. “Trixie is curious, Doctor. What would the future be like, if Trixie wasn’t good? If she had been just like all of her ancestors you’ve showed me?”
“Good heavens, is that the time?” the Doctor said suddenly. “I’m sorry, but I really must drop you off and move on.”
“Please, Trixie would love to see Hearth’s Warming future!”
“Oh, no, no. It’s terribly grim and dark, and you’re better off not seeing it.” The Time Lord punched in the coordinates to return to the present.
“Doctor, Trixie insists. Please.”
The time traveling earth pony sighed. “Fine. But this is the last trip…”
“ALL HAIL EMPRESS URANIUM, SUPREME MISTRESS OF THE IMPERIUM OF PONYDOM!” Hundreds of voices reverberated throughout the cavernous throne room.
“And hail to you, underlings,” the white unicorn with the elegantly curled purple mane and tail answered. Although a dainty mare, the empress towered over all others by virtue of her gold powered armor as much as her tall throne. “I have summoned you here to Holy Equestria, to greet the return of our invincible imperial legions. Approach Grand Inquisitor, the Cruel and Merciless Megatrix!”
A massive pair of doors dilated open with clouds of steam, and an armored azure unicorn pony wearing a tall, wide-brimmed hat entered. She walked across the anti-gravity platform that spanned a nigh-bottomless chasm. Following her on a chain leash was a hideous, two-headed cyborg pony with jet packs on its back. Both heads were of unicorn colts: one was a light cyan and with chubby cheeks and beady little eyes, and the other was a dull yellow and with huge ears and a long neck.
“Greetings to you, your Omnipotent Imperial Majesty, on this hallowed Apogalacticon.” Grand Inquisitor Megatrix doffed her hat in salute.
“What news of the heresy in the P0N3–V1L sector?” Archduke Doolb Eulb sneered from a grandiose, but lesser and lower throne than the Empress’. The white, blond-maned unicorn stallion was an impressive sight in his armor, but Megatrix was far from intimidated.
“Good news,” the Inquisitor answered, addressing not the Archduke but the Empress. “Two hundred billion heretic souls begged for your forgiveness, so the Cruel and Merciless Megatrix gave them your compassionate, warm embrace of thermonuclear fire.”
“And what of the sinister, alien Eldeer, who instigated this heresy?” Doolb Eulb interrogated.
“Nothing a plague of Dire Squirrels couldn’t handle,” Megatrix answered coolly.
“Excellent!” cried Empress Uranium. “I was wise to trust you with our most dreaded weapons. Now, bring forth the gift with which you honor me on this sacred Apogalacticon.”
The Inquisitor bowed slightly and said, “Your Omnipotent Imperial Majesty, from a place where the stars begin and end, your servant Megatrix bring you this…”
The two rocket pods on the back of her cyborg slave parted, revealing a compartment. Out of it and towards the Empress floated an abnormal artifact that, save for its simultaneously shining and light-devouring coloration, was completely indescribable. “Woah,” both heads of RazorMollusk said.
“You dare to desecrate Holy Equestria with a xeno trinket?” raged Archduke Doolb Eulb, and hundreds of voices in the cavernous hall chorused their agreement. “I say you should be cast into the Warp!”
Empress Uranium held up a hoof, and the throne room went instantly silent. “What is it, Grand Inquisitor?”
“Well, how about Megatrix just shows you?” she said with a smile. The artifact pulsated and hummed, and there was a brilliant flash. Everyone in the throne room save for the Inquisitor and the Empress had vanished. Also gone was their armor, and the Empress felt strangely hot as the naked, azure unicorn mare waltzed up to her throne with confident strides.
“And now your majesty, Megatrix must respectfully insist that you hand over to her supreme command of the Galaxy, strap on some unnecessary lingerie, and join her harem this afternoon.” The Inquisitor was now nearly muzzle-to-muzzle with the Empress.
The Supreme Mistress of Ponydom’s blush turned to a sultry smile. “I thought you’d never ask…”
“Don’t ask me to do that again,” the Doctor said, breathing heavily. He entered the space-time coordinates to return to Ponyville. “I’m glad I remembered what that device did, otherwise I don’t care to think about what would have happened.”
Trixie was barely listening. “So let’s get this straight. If Trixie was bad, then her descendents would rule the entire galaxy?”
“Yes, but would you be happy? Being ruler of the galaxy is hard work – just think about all the paperwork and conferences! Now, I’m sure this little adventure through time points to a very clear lesson.”
“Which is…?” Trixie prodded.
“Which is that the rewards of virtue are spiritual, and all the better for it,” the Time Lord said with a smile.
“So you don’t think that the very clear lesson is that bad ponies have all the fun?” Trixie inquired, with sudden fire in her heart.
The brown pony didn’t miss a beat. “Nope! The advantages of virtue are infinitely superior. Why, just look at yourself. You have your own shop, two young assistants who look up to you like a mother, and the adoration of your entire town. Isn’t that something to be thankful for, and proud of?”
“Ah. Of course it is. Thank you so much, Doctor. You’ve given Trixie much to think about,” the azure unicorn said as the TARDIS materialized in the middle of her bedroom.
The Doctor patted her with a hoof, and then led her out the door and back into her room. “See? I’m glad you’re such an upstanding pony. It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Trixie…”
That night, Trixie slept better than she had in years. Her dreams were indeed sweet.
Chapter Three: The Great and Powerful Trixie
Chapter Three: The Great and Powerful Trixie
“Trixie! Trixie! Wake up, it’s Hearth’s Warming Day today!” two young colts hollered from outside her door. Trixie stirred, wanting to stay asleep and relive a particularly vivid dream, but ultimately her two assistants won out. She groggily got out of bed and met the two colts in the living room.
They were rooting hopefully through the stockings they had hung over the fireplace, and predictably, they found nothing. “Aw, looks like Celestia was too busy to give us presents this year, eh?” Snails said.
“Don’t be too unhappy,” Trixie assured, levitating the stockings to her with her horn. “If you look very carefully, there are some things in those stockings from Trixie.” She sat on her haunches and rummaged through the floating stockings with her forehooves. “In fact, they’re things Trixie made for you.”
“Those are the best kind of presents! What are they, Trixie?” Snips asked excitedly.
Trixie withdrew her hooves from the stockings and proudly presented them to her assistants. “They’re hooves. They’re for hitting ponies with.”
She bopped Snips and Snails on the nose. “And the best thing about them, is that you can use them again–” She hit them a second time, harder. “–and again, and again.” She delivered two more hits. “Now, what do you say?”
“Ow?” Snails rubbed his nose. “I mean, thank you?”
“Think nothing of it. After all, Trixie thinks nothing of you.”
The two colts looked at each other in confusion. Then their ears perked up at a rapping sound on the window. “Is that Berry Punch?” asked Snips.
Trixie walked over to the window, and behind was indeed the perpetually inebriated mare. Trixie swung the window inwards and the plum pony leaned her head through to speak, only for Trixie to slam the window in her face. “No, Snips. You’re simply imagining things.”
Faint knocks from the storefront door entered the living room. Snips and Snails made a move towards the front, but Trixie stopped them. “Don’t let anyone inside until Trixie opens the shop herself, after her shower. So about forty minutes.”
An hour later (Trixie decided she should brush her mane), she left the comfort of her room for her shop. “Let her in,” she ordered to her assistants. Snips flipped the CLOSED sign to OPEN, and Snails unlocked the door.
Berry Punch stumbled inside, all covered in snow. She had been waiting outside the whole time. “Hello *hic* Trixie!” she burped, smelling of sherry. “You have to help me! I’m all out of money *hic* and I don’t have anything to eat! Surely a pony as kind and generous as you could *hic* spare something for me and my little one?”
“But of course! Trixie knows of just the thing.” Her horn glowed as she levitated the bucket of ingredients Snails had collected the previous day. “You want something to eat? Take this.” She overturned the bucket of little shelled mollusks with her magic and forced it over Berry Punch’s head. “That’s a bit for each snail, so you owe Trixie seventeen bits by tomorrow. And don’t try to squirm your way out of this. Trixie knows where you live.”
She magically seized hold of the drunken mare and booted her outside into the snow. Hardly a moment later, there were knocks on the door. Trixie swore under her breath. “Get that, and whoever it is, slam the door in their faces,” she ordered to her assistants as she left for the kitchen in the back. “Trixie is going to make herself some tea, and she doesn’t want anyone wasting her time.”
Snails quickly rescued the stray Helix pomatia oozing on the floor to make the shop look more presentable, and Snips answered the door. In stepped the two massive unicorn mares that had visited the previous day, and they were wearing a familiar pair of scarves to go with their top hats and monocles.
“Good morning, my little ponies,” the white unicorn greeted. “Is your employer, the great philanthropist known as ‘the Kind and Generous’ Trixie here?”
“Uhh, she doesn’t want to be disturbed right now,” Snails answered slowly, eyeing the strangers’ scarves.
“OUR VISIT WILL BE WORTH HER TIME,” insisted the dark mare. “YOU SEE, WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA.”
“Both of you?” asked Snails.
The white unicorn chuckled. “No, but I am Princess Celestia.” Snips and Snails immediately prostrated themselves, and when they rose, the immortal alicorn of the sun explained, “Yesterday, your employer Trixie passed our little test with her selfless generosity. We have come to reward her virtue with fifty thousand bits and the title of Baroness Trixie.”
“HERE ARE OUR ROYAL SEALS,” said Princess Luna, and each alicorn levitated to the unicorn colts their respective crescent moon and sun medallions.
“And I believe these are yours,” Celestia said as she removed the scarf from her neck. They returned Snips and Snail’s presents, and even the discount Hearth’s Warming twig.
Trixie stormed into the store from the back. “What’s with all this shouting? Trixie said she is not accepting any guests!” She slammed the door in the faces of the royal alicorn sisters, leaving them outside in the snow. Trixie returned to the back to enjoy her tea, but her sense of victory was short lived. Her assistants not only let the tall mares back in the store, but into the dining room.
“WE FLATTER OURSELVES, BUT WE ARE TRULY GUESTS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.”
Trixie set down her teacup and stood up from her cushion. “Why, Trixie must apologize. It’s not often one receives a Hearth’s Warming visit from such distinguished visitors.”
“SO THOU KNOWEST OUR IDENTITIES, AT LAST?”
“Well, if Trixie is not much mistaken, you are the first place winner of the Equestrian Starving Deaf Actresses’ Guild’s Most Annoying Caps Lock Abuser Competition.” She turned to the radiant white mare. “And it is quite overwhelming for her to be accompanied by the poster filly for Micolt Jackson’s Nose Job and Coat Bleach Corporation.”
Both tall mares opened their mouths to protest, but Trixie cut them off. “Shut it, fatsos! You’re no doubt trying to impress Trixie into giving you something, but Trixie sees through your tricks. Gone are the days when those Parasprites called the residents of Ponyville could just leech off Trixie’s hard work. Oh no. Trixie is a new mare now. The Great and Powerful Trixie owes nothing at all to those layabouts, and nopony is going to stop her from attaining the glory she rightfully deserves. Now stop wasting the Great and Powerful Trixie’s time and get out!”
The visitors stared sternly at Trixie, who gladly returned the favor. Then, without a word, they left.
The azure unicorn smiled and returned to her tea. Her mind raced with great thoughts and plans. She would sell the magic shop – she didn’t want anything tying her down – and leave the wretched town of Ponyville. She would use her considerable magical talent for other uses…
Her pleasant musings were predictably interrupted by her assistants. “Um, Trixie? You know those unicorns were actually Princess Celestia and Luna, right?”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, Snips. What would the royal Sisters be doing here?”
“They came to reward you for being the kindest and most generous pony in Equestria by giving you fifty thousand bits and a fancy title. Uhh… Baroness!”
“Snails, they couldn’t have been the Princesses. If they really were Princess Celestia and Luna, they would have given Trixie their royal seals.”
“Ooh! Like these ones?” Snips and Snails levitated the sun and moon medallions onto the table.
The Great and Powerful Trixie gave them a careless glance as she sipped her tea. “Yes, just like tho–”
THE END
